My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 47: Sleeve It

Episode Date: March 22, 2011

Hey! You're back. We're back too, though some of us are still weary with the rigors of travel. That won't keep us from wisdoming you, though. We are going to wisdom you like you've never been wisdomed before. Suggested talking points: Moon Almighty, Gravbongin', Blades of Grass, Ponybond, Blessing Power, GriffinSpaceJam.com, Stinkhands, ID4play

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother, my brother and me. This week we're all about the supermoon. What's up? It's like a moon and a half. I got used to a certain level of... I became accustomed to a certain level of moon, but now the standard... It changed the paradigm for moon, for moon paradigms. For me, personally, it was like that one scene from Bruce Almighty,

where he pulls the moon down and he starts kissing on Jennifer Aniston because he has got powers. Griffin, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I just want you to know, I've been meaning to say something for a while, I'm starting to worry about the amount of Bruce Almighty references you make. It's starting to be like a constant stream of Bruce Almighty. I have to relate this Bruce Almighty story to you guys. When the supermoon happened, my bride, my wife, looked at it and Sidney said, that reminds me of that scene in Bruce Almighty, and I told her I hadn't seen it, and she proceeded to over the next seven minutes relate the entire plot of Bruce Almighty to me. I never egged her on, I never said,

uh-huh, do you tell, tell me more, like the whole plot, and then at the end I said, well, that was everything that happened to Bruce Almighty, I guess. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's so surprising to me about that story, Justin. I'm surprised not that your wife went through the pants to tell you what happens, but that it took her seven whole minutes. I know. Well, there's a lot... He gets god powers from Morgan Freeman, and he fucks up with him, and then he gives him back, he learns lessons. Yeah, no, you're ignoring the lessons, though. She went into some of the specific lessons that he picks up along the way, and then she said, and now we're at the end, she said, well, now I guess we're all ready to see

Evan Almighty, which I don't plan on doing that either. This is my brother and brother me, it's an advice show for the modern era. I am the eldest McElroy Justin. And I am Travis, and I am, and I Griffin. I wanted to sound like a knight. We take your questions, so we turn them into wisdom. Let's do it. My life sucks. Oh, here are a few examples why I feel that way. I'm unmotivated, I work at Target, and I never have any money. I would like to go to school and get my education papers so I can do more of the things I want to do in my life. The problem being that I've been to school for a year and dropped out both semesters in a row because of frequent gravity

bong usage. My depression drove me to move across the country, but I'm even more confused. What should I change so I can quit this wretched job? Kyle. Kyle? You need that? You just got to step it back. You got to walk, you know that part of footprints where it's like, where there's a single pair, that's where I carried you. If you look at your footprints, the parts where they kind of go astray and wander into the ocean, or where you set a gravity bong down there. There's a Kyle-shaped indent in the ground, that's where you fell down. And just took a nap for a while. Just took a nap for a while, and then you wandered into Target, the Target Ocean. All of these things unmotivated, you can control that, you work at Target,

you can control that, you never have any money, you can control that. All of these things are within your reach. There seems to be one keystone in place. It's this heavy gravity bong that he's using for doobers. Do you guys know what a gravity bong is? Can someone explain that to me? Sure. You jump off a building, and as you're falling, it's the most extreme kind of bonging you can do. I mean, I don't know what it means, but it seems like every bong is a gravity bong, right? Well, no, there's an anti-gravity bong. No, there's like a, see, that would be fucking rad. It's like a, you put a bottle of marijuana in a bucket, I think, and then as the smoke goes up, there's a change of air pressure and the bottle floats with the weed in it. I don't know. I'm not

a, I don't do this. Let me, I'm going to throw you an answer that I think maybe if you add two letters to an important word in this question, you can change it. Maybe instead of frequent gravity bong, infrequent gravity bong usage. I have an occasional and a regular schedule of gravity bong usage. You can still hit the graph every now and then, but not, not Monday through Friday and then twice on Saturdays, but every other Sunday. Just pretend, just say like, hey, did I do my homework? Well, it's time to gravity bong. Mm-hmm. That's, so that's it. You set up a reward system, like I just ran two miles, time to grab bong, and then you grab bong, and then it probably cancels out whatever. But whatever you do, don't reward yourself before you do something. Like,

you know, I think I've decided to go for a two-mile run. Mm-hmm. I'm so proud of myself, I'm going to hit this gravity bong, and then I would have my dessert first. No, don't do that. It's like sneaking a, sneaking a present on Christmas Eve, except, except you get high, I guess. You get high and you don't do anything and then you work at target. Nothing wrong with working at target, by the way. It's, I think it's the, the most high class of all, um, you know, mega retailers. I think so, definitely. I met a wonderful girl. They got Isaac Mizrahi stuff. Yeah, it's really nice. Some Todd, uh, was that guy Todd? Oldum. Todd Oldum. Todd Oldum gear. I met a really wonderful girl with lots of wonderful qualities and similar interests to

my own, but there is a catch. She's about seven years younger than me. I'm just out of college, we're both of legal age, but I am still worried about the social implications of dating someone who's a good deal younger. I don't want everyone to think I'm some creeper. Would pursuing such a relationship be, uh, condemnable or commendable? Scared of disapproving looks. I'm trying to, this is like one of those brain teasers. There's like, there are three brothers, and one is, you know, Joey's older than Todd, but younger than Right. Roger. I'm trying to figure out what these ages are. It's got to be somewhere between, if she's still in college, it's got to be between

18 and 25 or 22 and 29. Either way, bro, you're not fresh out of college. The freshest, the shine has come off that apple officially. He might be just out of college, but it may have taken him a little longer than it would for a regular Joe. Maybe he's a doctor. Maybe he's a doctor. And if you're a doctor, like this is the expected behavior here. Or maybe he's following the Kyle path through college. Yeah. Take that Kyle. You were taking a graph on hit while we said that, and you choked on it. So you're choking your graph on smoke, Kyle. So I, if you, if you take the existence of the universe, you know, as long as a football field, the existence of humanity would be the width of one blade of grass at the very end of the

end zone. So when you think of it that way, seven years is scientifically speaking, nothing. When you put it that way, I want to go fuck everything that moves and jump off of a bridge, because it doesn't matter. Don't think of it that way. Whatever you do, don't think of it that way. Your life is meaningless. Whatever you do is just the breath in the wind. It is, you know what? In the great cosmic sense, maybe. So if you are happy, if she makes you happy, go for it. What's the point of us giving advice anymore if we're just saying that we're blades of grass on a football field? Life is empty of consequence. Kyle, buy an extra gravity bong and do it twice as much, I guess. Kyle, sell us your gravity bong. I would say that

the difference isn't the age, and it's not even the maturity. It's just like life experience. The person that someone is when they're like 18 is a completely different person most of the time than they are by the time they're like 23. If you're talking action items, was he supposed to dump her because she might suck in a few? No, I'm just saying that is why I think people disapprove of it. I don't think it's inherently the age. I think it's like you're taking advantage of someone inexperienced. So like, you know, that's it. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Yeah, right now, like seven years probably seems a pretty wide gap. When you're 80 and she's 73, still no one wants to see you kiss. I mean, that's all there is to it. I'm going to be honest,

I never want to see anybody kiss. Really? Yeah, like maybe in a movie or like at a wedding or there are a few acceptable occasions. I was at a concert this past weekend at South Pass, Southwest. Yeah, and there was this couple standing in front of me like every like no joke, 45 seconds, two minute and a half, they would turn to each other and just like kiss deep and hard, and that's no good. I'm saying nobody wants to see that. So I guess the advice there is dator, but but don't let anybody know about it. Just keep it like a secret. Like a deep secret. Griffin. Yeah, I got you. You know what I need, boo. This one was sent in by Matthew Oden. Thank you, Matthew Oden. It's written by Yahoo Answers users, Starhawk Mystery. Good start. Go on. That's

an old family name. Who asks? And this question is short, so don't blink or you'll miss it. Okay. How strong is a girl's bond with her horse? Oh, geez. Like empirically? Like you want me to put a number on it? Okay, so you want to talk about an ionic bond. What kind of dynamic force can it take before it snaps? Uh, yeah, in Newtons, please. Yeah, what kind of gravitational pull is that horse putting out? If I were to put that horse in a gravity bong, what kind of water displacement would there be? Eureka. I've discovered. I've put a horse in my gravity bong. I'm really, really high now, but I do. You put your gravity bong on my horse. You put your horse in my gravity bong.

Too great taste to get this hort fucked up. My bond is pretty good with you, but if I could put my mouth on your snoot and stuff pot out of it, I would pretty much, it would be like super strong. Like really, really strong. I don't know that there's a bond stronger than that between a girl and her horse. Especially unless you sewed the girl and the horse together. Yeah, that would be pretty strong, I think. What is the strength of a bond between a girl and her centaur? How about, do you want to hear some answers? Let's see what other people said because there are 24 of them. Oh, good. Oh, good. You know, that means that someone looked at it and said,

those 23 people are sort of describing how strong a bond between a girl and a horse is, let me see if I can get this more on the nose. See if I can hone this down to the real truth. If you love horses, then as stronger as anything else in the world. If they are money makers, then nothing is there. But so if you love horses, I hate so like if the horse has a job. Yeah. So if you love horses, but hey, making sense, then you'll probably be really into horses. All the girls I know that have horses have small feet and they would rather ride their horses than ride their man. So I guess a woman's bond with her horse is perhaps obsessive. What kind of porn was this guy searching for? Hey, listen, he provided us with empirical evidence

to support his assertion that women love horses more than men. And that is if they have small feet. Are there any answers from horses? Just one. This is like, I'd like to stay out of this. How about this? No, I think this was written by a horse. Very strong. Jake and Christie act like mother and son. No, really, they do. He waits for her every night to get there and she brings him a peppermint candy and a carrot or apple. Hey, did you? How was your childhood? It was pretty dope. Every night my mom would visit me and she would bring me a peppermint or an apple and then she would brush my hair and ride me. So I guess it was a pretty good childhood, I guess.

Just like a mother and son, she visits him nightly and brings him an apple. Guys, I think that this person is writing equestrian fan fiction on the Yahoo answers like comment section on a question. This is officially the saddest thing that exists on the air. In this circumstance, not always, but in this circumstance, a side is really, really necessary. Who the fuck are Jake and Christie? Who are Jake and Christie? We don't know them just because you're new. That's not how the internet works. And even better, if it was like a strange name, if it was like, you know, Blue Bitty Blue and Shmackity Bear. Okay, great. It's made up people. But Jake and Christie is like, do I know Jake and Christie?

Which one's the horse? Which one's the horse? Tell me that. That's a good question. Is Jake and Christie the horse's name? Because that might be like an okay, like race and horse name. That would be pretty good. Because it's like the running speed of two people. Yeah, there isn't a word. Horses are basically, if you think about it, horses are just two people. Yeah, they are. Because they're two people with a long neck. Are you thinking of like a Halloween costume? I'm thinking of like, no, no, I'm talking about the actual physiology of a horse. Four legs, right? Right. Double length torso, double length neck, double length face. Hair. Teeth. Yeah. We have those. Jumping. Four eyeballs.

Yeah. What? And two buttholes. There isn't. Mr. Ed was a pretty weird shot. There isn't a word or a million words that could even come close to describing it. Is there not? They're not a million words? I'm gonna, let's see if we can drop a hundred right now. Oh my God. Strong, potent, meaningful, robust horse, horseman. This is my, this is my 20 novel series. It doesn't about how much horses love women and how strong their bond is. It doesn't come close. I wish it came close, but I can't seem to quite get there. Maybe another million words enough to really ram it home. Hey, have you

ever read Secretariat? Yeah, that bitch is like 700 pages long. Not nice try, author of Secretariat. Yeah, nice. No dice. Not close and no cigar. I don't feel comfortable replying thank you when I have sneezed and someone says bless you. I don't know why I should thank them since I have no affiliation with any religion. It seems strange to be considered okay to say bless you to anyone who sneezes. I've tried just not sneezing, but sometimes it is impossible. What should I do in this situation? I usually say nothing. JZ. Why? I would yell, how dare you. You bitch. I didn't know that we marketed our show to heathens. I thought it was mainly religious. Good Christian people. Why don't you

just take the power that that blessing gives you? Blessings are imbued with power. You do understand that, right? When someone says bless you, they're not just being congenial. They're giving you power. They're giving you abilities, I think. They're giving you super abilities that you can use, but only when the super moon's out. Once every 17 years, you harness all the sneeze blesses you get and you can channel them into energy balls, pyrokinesis. I mean, why do you give a shit? The person's doing it to be polite. It's a social custom more than it is sort of a religious one. It's derived from people thinking the devil is jumping out of you when you sneeze. I don't think those people believe that. Do you know the real reason for it?

That's the real reason. That's not it. Sure it is. Not quite. What do you think? I thought it was because when you sneeze, your heart stops and you die temporarily. Your heart stops. Your heart can't beat while you're sneezing, so it stops for a second. People say bless you in case it doesn't start back up again, so then if you die, A, you get to go to heaven, and B, when you get there, you have super abilities. That's also why anytime anyone sneezes, I yell, I get hysteria. Yes. I just Wikipedia it. They're apparently differing definitions. That's one of them, though. I don't think that people were like soups dumb back in the day. I understand that, but I don't think they ever thought. I don't think they were ever wacky enough to think that when

you sneeze, a little bit of the devil jumps out of you. That's what they thought. I hate to break it to you, but that's absolutely true. Sure it is. That it was a demon escaping your body. Then why would they say bless you? Why wouldn't they be like, hey, you got that demon out. To keep the demon from going back in. Then why didn't people just cover their nose and mouth all the time? To keep demons from getting in. People back in the day were so fucking dumb. They didn't know anything. They're so stooped. I think that you just say it and you take the compliment. It's like we've talked about it I think before. I don't know if we've touched on this before, but if you're a meal where someone blesses the meal as part of their culture,

you don't wait until everybody has their head down and their silencer and they go, bullshit. Or like, I'm out. I'm out. Or just wait until they're in mid prayer and then cut like a totally wrong raunchy, raunchy tune or something. You're respected. You don't just disregard it if it's important to those people. This isn't even a religious thing. Who says bless you for religious reasons? When you sneeze, no one's moved by the Holy Spirit. It's just something you say. It's just a reaction. In God, we trust it's written on our money. You don't tear that up and throw it in the face. I hope. How many people do you think have been converted thanks to just a really friendly post-sneeze message? Like, a chew. Bless you. What? I've got

good news. I'm glowing with the spirit. That's such good news. Well, okay. Listen, is this something we can market? Is this something we can capitalize on? Can we come up with a non-denominational like sneeze exchange that you can say that both the sneeze recipient and the sneeze sneezer can say? Let me hit you with this. What about if someone sneezes? You look them down the essay. You sneezed because that's what you're saying. When you say bless you, you're saying, hey, I caught you. What about this one? I've seen better. I think we need to keep any evaluation out of it because that's just going to be too complex. This needs to be something you can just like bank. Something you can just get out on the go on an airplane. What about gross?

I kind of like that. Gross. Stop it. What about, can we try yucky? You're just not getting out. Should we keep it monosyllabic? Hanky. You're hanky. Sleave it. Sleave it. That's good. Next time, for me, sleeve it. Also, everybody knows that you're supposed to cough and sneeze into your elbow now, right? Feels weird. That's the thing to do. All right. So maybe instead of saying any one thing, we can just deliver tips to that person on how they can sneeze better. Yeah. And then we can record it for like 45 minutes. Podcast. Done. Jason, I'm going to give you one last bit of advice. The next time someone says to you, bless you, look at them and go, no, bless you. And then walk away as quickly as you can.

I'm not comfortable with this war on Christmas-esque thing that's going on in this podcast. Yeah. This war on goes in tight. You know, you know all the blessing I need, Griffin. You need the one you do before you eat dinner at a fancy restaurant so you look impressive in front of all your friends. That's really the only one you need because it gets. Well, I also need a free trip to the money zone. What? Let's get paid. Like that's, I need a better liner. The guys that are podcasting yourself, they have a fun little song they sing about paying the bills and being grown up. We sing a song at the end of our thing. That's something. And by we, I mean me.

This podcast, you guys could really start pulling your weight during the jingles. This podcast is bullshit. Yep. How do I know? Because there's a much better podcast. There are several, but we're going to talk about one that paid us to talk about it. Yeah. That's not why we're doing it. You're ruining the fourth wall. The lion and tweed is the story of a college professor of economics and sound studies who plays folk music on the side. He is also a lion. I feel like that should be enough of a commercial right there because if you hear that and you don't like start heading to the lion and tweed.com right now, then you're, um, then you're a monster, I think.

My favorite, I like that it's, it's, it's pretty meta. It's like an episodic musical podcast of fictionalized life. Like it's made up on so many different levels about, you know, a lion. Here's one of the, here's one of the selling points. Here's some of the bullet points we were provided. It's a well-groomed lion stuffed into a corduroy blazer and blue and boot cut jeans. Okay. Cool. There you go. You skanky, like threadbare lion you're used to. And this isn't like a well-groomed lion. This isn't like a Chester cheetah. We're not talking about like a rude dude with tons of attitude. We're talking about the guy you'd, you'd invite over.

This is a classy college professor that you can sit around with. You can talk about Proust and maybe once the night comes up, hit that gravity bomb because you know how you're in the line, you know how professors, you know how college there's artwork by a Rincston round tree of the webcomic subnormality. Um, and there's a, it is a, is described as a new model of music on the internet with focus on the podcast as performance, kind of like what Max Fun does with comedy. I really did that. I always think like I love music. I love podcasts. I can't listen to both at once or it's cacophonous. It's just cacophony and they have blended the two. They blended the two together. I love, I love this and you will too. Go to the lionintweed.com,

follow on Twitter. He's at the lionintweed or subscribe to the podcast and iTunes. If it's just the lionintweed. So have you listened to the first episode that's up yet? Have you listened to it? How, I want to know how much, I listened to a few minutes of it when I, when I was at South by Southwest, but I didn't have time to really digest it. How much devouring goes on? Does he, how many people does he devour throughout the course? I've yet to hit any devourments, devour it. See that seems disingenuous. Like the podcast is really great and it's, um, it's doing some groundbreaking things with music, comedy, fusion, but I need some, I need some wholesale devourment.

Maybe, maybe, uh, maybe they, they wanted to include more of that, but, uh, while they were making the website, it just got too hard or boring or maybe even frustrating. You know? Maybe there was a lot of, uh, a bunch of weird tech issues they had to deal with. Maybe there were some problems with PHP, CSS. HTTP. I don't understand it. I don't know, uh, how any of this works, but I do know, I do know one thing, Griffin. What's that? I know how Photoshop works. Yeah. That one's easy. I'm a Photoshop. You want to put a baby's head on a man's body? I'm there. Man's headed on a baby's body. I got you. Do you want to take my face? Don't resort to grotesque surgery. Do you, do you want to take the cover to the movie Space Jam and cut my face out and

put it on the front of everybody else's faces on the cover of Space Jam? I, yes. I, I did do that already. So don't, don't waste your time. If you know how to use Photoshop, then you can use the Photoshop plugin called Site Grinder 3. It's made by Media Lab. Another Max Fun listener, Tom Summerall makes, makes this. And it, it is just that. It is a Photoshop plugin that lets you turn your Photoshop designs into finished websites. Real, honest to God websites, not just like a picture you click on. They've got content management, edit everything, e-commerce you can add. And soon you'll even be able to make WordPress themes with it too. I know we don't eventually it will become sentient and kill you in your sleep. Yeah, that's the thing. Like I know we don't advertise

bullshit, but this sounds like some phony baloney wizardry. This sounds like some, this sounds like a wizard who made it. That's the last, that's the last blowpoint actually made up by a wizard. Not extant. That's it. I mean, it seems like you, this is like, you can't turn a Photoshop into a website. Think about it. You can't turn, you can't turn a, a, a fruit by the foot into a digital picture frame. Like that's, that's, that's the tagline actually. It says, hey, you dumb mother fucker, you can do this now. Hey, dumb fuck. You know how you go to websites? You're like, I remember these. That's last gen. You can even make awesome face, Facebook fan pages in Photoshop. You go to media lab.com or site grinder.com. And you can learn more about these or, and, or go the line

in tweet.com. If you're hopping around the net, go to both, treat yourself to both of these. And you might end up crafting a, a jingle that goes exactly like this. It's just gonna be tricky because I got it. Wait, you, I have a jingle that goes just like this. I mash them up. It's a mashup. I'm trying to lead you in here. I want to give you, here's a mashup. Girl talk. The lion in tweet is a friend in deep. And he's also a podcast too. The lion in tweet is a friend in deep. And he's also a podcast too. And the lion in time is a fine feline, but don't let him devour you. I gotta do something on media lab.

I made a photoshop with me and my best friend Michael Jordan. Actually it was me and Michael Jordan and the cast of space jam. It was called me and space jam. I got to do another verse. Didn't even mention a thing. All right, here we go. I took me and space jam and I turned it into a website using linear labs. Site grinder technology. You can visit it. Visit it. Visit it at griffinspacejam.com. That was the worst. For fear of dwelling too long. What exactly is the purpose? What is the website for? What are you doing there?

Oh, is it just for your space jam fan fiction? There's a story about me and Michael Jordan. Listen, I got on a hot streak. I was trying to find the exit off of that musical highway and I missed it and then I just had to keep going on the Michael Jordan Express. You had no other choice. What could you do? Oh, Jesus. Oh, man, I'm going there right now, griffinspacejam.com. So thanks to our friends for helping us to support the show. If you want to support the show and this and who wouldn't? And Griffin side projects. Good luck getting that jingle into a commercial, by the way. It's going to be like four minutes long. Yeah, it's email Teresa at maximumfund.org. That's Teresa with an H. My friends never watched

their hands after using the bathroom. We usually get together and play video games. So the thought of unwashed hands touching communal controllers is disgusting. I know they don't because when I go to use it, the soap hasn't been touched and the sink is always dry. Also, it's pretty obvious when you hear the flush and they walk straight out. I hesitate to call them out on it because I don't want to embarrass them by asking them to do so. Is there any way my friends can be encouraged to watch their genital germs off their hands? I'm about to start wearing gloves to our hangouts, Phil. Phil, first off, I just want to celebrate the detective work that you're doing. Yeah, way to go there, Monk.

Hey, get back from hosting Double Dare. My friends don't watch their hands. I would just call them on it. It'd be like, hey, gross, that would you wash your hands? I think you don't want to be that guy. I would say put a sign up. Put a sign up on the bathroom door that says, hey, did you wash your hands? All Phil's friends are required to wash hands before returning to game. Yeah, this means you, Derek. Yeah, that way if you don't single them out, they can think it's somebody else, but they can also be your mind to actually do it. A nice sign would be good. Or maybe like an electric shock collar. Oh, you know what? What if you got some celebrities to help you? And in this case,

by celebrities, I mean us, who are celebrities in the limited definition of our program. Hey, dirty. Hey, dirty hands. Hey, dirty. You want to wash them up for me? They're dirty. Make that your ringtone so you just play it for them whenever they come out of the bathroom. Hey, it's just a macro from our brother, my brother and me. Wash your hands, dirty. Lick your hand right now. Bet you won't do it because you know what's going on there. The one study I need science to do for me. Science is wasting their time with the last one. The one study I want to see is how often people wash their hands when they're alone in the bathroom in like a communal public bathroom and how many wash their hands when there's people in there.

It's got to be like 100% different, right? Did you guys used to hate washing your hands? I used to like not appreciate the act of it. And so I like, I, you know, stick my hands under the water for like two seconds to them flick mud the water on the mirror. And I used no joke. I used to hate washing my hands to the extent that when I would, this was a long time ago. I now understand the value of a good hand wash. But I used to just turn the water on and then turn it off to make people think I wash my hands. I was literally doing, I was exerting as much energy as was required to wash my hands. But in defiance of societal laws, I, I didn't go through with the act.

I tell you, if a bathroom has a Dyson air blade, I'm about 90 times more likely to wash my hands because I love it. I can't get nothing. Let's make washing hands fun again. Yeah. Thanks Dyson for doing that. Here's the thing that you could do, Phil. What if you started covering the inside door knob to your bathroom and some sort of some sort of unsavory material? I don't know what you, what it might be. Maple syrup, because nobody wants to smell a maple syrup on their hands, right? Like, that's a, that's a bad smell to carry around with you all day. So cover the inside door knob and then they touch it. Maple syrup hands. Oh, gotta wash them anyway.

You know what? Try this, buy a new kind of like really fragrant hand soap. And then when they come out, say, Hey, did you check out the new hand soap? Do you think that it smells good or smells bad? Or I don't know if I like it or not. And then you're not calling them out, but they get all embarrassed because they didn't use any soap because they didn't wash their hands. This is good. I think you got to call them out because that's going to last for like a minute, the pain, the anguish of embarrassment. It's only going to last for a little bit, but the lesson will last a lifetime. Yeah. And try to, try to do it just one on one. I'm not, who am I kidding? He's not going to do that. He's not going to talk to you about it.

Excuse me, Derek. Can I speak to you over here for a minute? Can I speak to the kitchen, Derek? We've known each other for a long time now. We're friends, right? I have a weird question that I'm not even sure we need to answer, but when I was reading it, I enjoyed it so much that I want to share it with you. Okay. Okay. I have a question that's been in my head all week. The other day, I was trying to cut through an apartment complex, the same one I usually do for a shortcut to get to the mall. And a man was walking his dog through there. When me and my buddy started walking through, the old man asked us,

are you going to walk through these apartments? And we told him yes. And he said not to, because there's a man with a gun who lives there, and anyone who doesn't live there, who passes by, he will shoot. I told him it was illegal because it's an apartment building and he doesn't own it. His only responses to all my questions from here on is it's private property in a very annoying tone. We eventually left to go to the mall after 15 minutes wasted. But I've been thinking about other, of other arguments, like what if relatives of a neighbor came by to visit and he shot them or a Jehovah's Witness came by

and his head was blown to bits. Was he lying or is this a really scary situation? This man and the tenants who are threatening people need to be reported from Scott Kay. I would really like it to be true just because I want to picture the scene of like someone walking up to that guy's door and knocking like, Hey, just so you know, my cousin is going to be visiting tomorrow. He's five foot two red hair. I'll have him, you know, do the hands up and announce himself. But if you could not kill him, that'll be super. Hey, can you do me this one solid and not shoot my cousin Brian? He has red hair. Please don't kill Brian on site. You should never murder anybody, right? Like that's our number one piece of advice is that if you're about to murder somebody,

don't do it and go do something else. I don't understand why you do it for something this small. Yeah, it's a it's a great question. Hey, I have a Yahoo answer to cleanser palette with. Give it to me. Just kidding. It's an eHow article. You got tricked again, you dumb bitch. Got me. This one was sent in a long time ago, actually by Jeff DeLong, but I bookmarked it and forgot about it until now. eHow article. Let me see if I can find it difficult. Oh, this one's moderately easy. Good. It makes no bigs, basically. Don't worry about it. Hey, no bigs. You got this. How to talk to aliens.

When you want to talk to aliens, you need to telepathically call them. Don't yell out your window. Hey, aliens, I want to talk. You probably won't get a response. You need to approach this matter seriously by following these steps. Sure. Step one. Step one. Meditate daily. Keep your thoughts pure, like, like attracts like, and you don't want to attract any evil aliens. Focus on good, gentle aliens. Okay. Got it. Hey, who was that that was meditating and brought down these fucking surly aliens that are shooting us? Why did you meditate so hard? Why did you meditate hard on angry things like ID for aliens? Know that aliens communicate telepathically and can hear your thoughts. Call them with

clear intention. Tell them the reason you're calling them. Did you know that aliens can heal your every thought? Hey, every thought, everything you think aliens are just hearing it from space and like, ah, aliens have to be bored as shit. Quick question. Like, what are you? What are you? What is your reason for calling aliens? Think of your reason before. Hey, aliens. What's up? I guess I just want to talk to aliens. I could have a super good reason. I think the reason for calling aliens is the same reason why you'd write an eHow article about how to call aliens. And that is the crippling loneliness. Just like anywhere in the anywhere in that article. Does it give you any steps on how or when to welcome them to Earth?

Let's keep going. We'll find out. Okay. Three. Gaze at the stars from inside your home, or you may want to meditate outside in your underwear. This will... It'll draw the sexy aliens. This will save them the trouble of having to remove your clothes so they try to abduct you. Excuse me? No stop. What? No explanation provided nor required. Really? Does it say that? Hey, there he is. I'm going to be, I'm going to be straight up with you. If anyone ever tries to abduct me into space and they're like, oh shit, he forgot to take his clothes off, you're, yes, that's what I want. I don't want to make it easier for them to abduct me into space. Suck me in shit. I wasn't going to go to Earth tonight, but if you look at Dylan down there,

I think he's ready for biz. Like you look at him, he's, he's DTF. Dylan is down. Is it just me, or has Dylan oiled himself up? Well, that'll make it way easier. He is DTBA. Let's get him. Oh man. Well, you did, but see you make it too easy for him. They don't like him. They want a little bit of an alien. They like to hunt. Sex aliens? They love the chase. Oh yeah. They also love a little guy's name Chase. You say your name's Chase and you're out there. They're into it. Persist in your daily meditation call and eventually you will get results. When the aliens appear, you don't need to shake their hands or introduce yourself. They already know who you are. They just want to fuck. Also, they can read your mind and tell that you didn't wash your hands. Yeah. You dirty fuck.

Listen, this seems like a pretty big gamble to take because if the aliens don't know who you are, you are naked and also pretty rude. Hey, we don't need names, do we? Yeah, I guess. Like I'm an alien. This earthling, this earthling Chase0115 is nude and rude and totally crude. He's a bad dude. He's a bad dude with dude. Let's get him. I think we should wipe this planet. Let's get him. Let's fire wiper. Let's fuck. Let's get him telepathically. I'm a fuck you ID4 style. I'm a fuck you like Trent Spiner, is that his name? Trent. Trent Spiner. Trent is brother to Trent though. If I was an alien, he'd be the first one against the wall getting fucked. Okay, Trent Spiner would? I'm just saying, I would teach him

because it would be really ironic because he gets absolutely perforated by aliens in ID4. So, people like they already know how he does, how they get it. He likes it. He loves it. How Trent likes it. He likes it in server? Yeah. Of course, they're not going to bother if he's not already outside and naked and praying to them. And lubed. Cooperate with the aliens at all times. They get angry if you don't take their advice or do what they tell you. They may look spindly, but they can easily control you. Can they? This person's got a pretty robust knowledge of what these aliens are into. Listen, these aliens can easily control me. Why are they worried about if my clothes are off yet or not?

They want to see me strip. Yeah, it's actually incredibly unsexy for them because they don't wear clothes. They don't understand it. So it's armor. They see armor. They see, they're like, why doesn't this guy have natural chitin emerging from the skin? They get angry and they lose their boners and then you don't want to be up there when they lose their boners. That boner is the only thing keeping you alive in space. Also, it's in their hand, which makes ET seem way different now. Talk with the aliens telepathically. Don't say words in your mind. Use symbols to communicate your ideas. Yeah, thanks. No easy to control my thoughts. Yeah, my symbol is going to be a stop sign because I'm being fucked by an alien and I want it to stop. Please. Please don't even bother

telling them what to do. So yeah, what does it matter? Like, I think that your path is pretty well set once you ask them to come down. Hey, PS, do these rules change if you accidentally beam down the angry aliens? Like, should you submit as hard as they're telling you to? Oh, so you're saying if we beam down ID for aliens, then we have an ID for escrow volt against them. If we beam down sexians, what I'm saying is this guy should probably branch a little bit. There should be some some limited branching between if it's an angry alien or a cool alien. I like the idea that every other species, every other alien race in the galaxy, except human beings, can hear thoughts like so they're up there just waiting for someone on earth to call them down naked.

Um, and then come down and just fuck the shit. I'm ready. I just watched earth girls are easy. Let's get it wet. I just want to point out that both movies we've referenced in this conversation have both starred Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum knows about fucking and fighting aliens. Riding, riding their ship, if you like, I can't do this. Riding in their ship, if you like, you I don't think you have a choice. If you may not have a choice, it says you may not have a choice. No shit. You can't do anything they don't tell you to do. Hey, aliens, you just fuck me and it was really bad. Um, can you? My house is just that way. If no, oh, we're going, we're going to. Oh, you're going to have fuck me on your anus. That's very funny. That's really, that's a really good

and a hot spoof. This is nothing like flight of the navigator. This hurts. This hurts everywhere. A picture of me dead. I'm picturing the symbol of me dying. Can you do that, please? Establish an ongoing relationship by telling them we can't by telling them you want to participate in their breeding program. No, it doesn't. It sounds like you already participated. You're in it to win it already. You are down with the road. You're ready. You are on board as much on board as you could be. You're naked and lying in your lawn and thinking about sexy cool aliens like you are in it. How many symbols do these bitches need? Like you're naked. Do they want you to gape it for them?

Yeah. My symbol. Step 18. Reach back. Spread butt cheeks. The aliens love it. Aliens love that shit. Here's how you get alien turned on. In your mind, sing hello by Lionel Richie. Instant alien boner. And then gape it. That's all for the steps. There are some tips and warnings, including don't try to look an alien in the eye. It's almost impossible. Almost. I guess because the position that you're in, it'd be hard to control your body. Don't tell anyone about your talks with aliens. They'll probably think you're crazy. No shit. Don't even post on the internet about your talks with aliens. You may find yourself being followed by men in black or being bozed by black helicopters. Maybe. Or the aliens will get on Facebook and

be like, oh man, Robbie told about our fucksash. I thought that was private. I'm changing our relationship status to angry. I'm changing it from currently probing him in his bowl. I'm changing it from Earth girls are easy to ID for. Sorry. Sorry, Earth. Here comes the fire wipe. And thank you. And thank you to Dylan. We hope it was worth it. We hope you really loved the probing. This is semi related. When the robots finally rise up and overthrow humanity, will Anthony Daniels be given a pass for his portrayal of C3PO in Star Wars or will set performance be seen as robot blackface? That's from Jessica. I don't know what the advice here is, but I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to pretend that

she's deciding whether or not to go visit Anthony Daniels or maybe go see him perform. We can't do that. We can't remix these questions. Remix Kyle from that first question. He was asking about his awesome life and how to make it more awesome. Yeah. He doesn't break his target. He works at Home Depot. I just did that. I don't think the aliens will have any love for C3PO the character. I think I mean he works for humans. I think they're going to see him as something of a of an Uncle Tron. If you know, you don't think so, maybe. Those were the shot, I guess. I'll give you a guffaw, but that's it. That's it. Getting for this. All right. I will give you half a chuckle. I will give you a chuck. Listen, I can't I can't laugh at this question

because we just saw a robot run the fucking train on the best that humanity has to offer a jeopardy. And now this isn't the future anymore, guys. This is this is yesterday. This is like two weeks ago, whatever that jeopardy happened. We are living in the yesterday. We are living in the yesterday where robots just brain fucked Ken Jennings like got deep down in him. Like he was like as if as if Ken Jennings were gaping like Dylan on his lawn. They just got in there. He took him to a whole other dimension of shame. He beat Ken Jennings so hard at jeopardy. Ken Jennings is now impotent. That's true. He can't reproduce right after he finished right after he finished with Ken Jennings brain. He shot off an EMP. Both players are impotent.

I can't even remember the other guy's name because his existence has been wiped from history. He did that because he's a fucking computer. I think that this it's not a joke. If there's if there's a God in heaven above, Anthony Daniels will be dead by the time the robot revelates. They will desecrate Anthony Daniels. They'll probably dig him up, reanimated with cyborg parts and then crucify him. It will be brutal. All right. Well, listen, I want to hear Griffin's last question. But first, just real quick housekeeping things. mbmbam.com is our website. There you can find out how to ask us questions. But spoiler, you just mbmbam at maximumfund.org. Thank you again for supporting the show. If you donated,

look for your gifts. I think in the next six weeks or so, just keep an eye out on the mail. You know, we got a lot to send out. But keep an eye and definitely know if you got like a tote bag or something, let us know when it comes in. Send us a fancy picture of yourself wearing it and carrying items in it. If you want to tweet about the show, make sure you use the mbmbam hashtag. Let me see like quotes and stuff like that. People are always really, really nice about spreading the word that way. We got a question this week from Stephanie who said she loves the show, but the boyfriend showed it to me and always keeps his comedy sources a secret, but she wants to tell people about it. He won't let her. So I say go to Twitter,

go to in person, burn a CD and just hand it to someone. Say here, here, this is for you. I got this for you. Go Facebook, just get around him. You guys spread the word. It's the most important thing. I want to drop some shout outs to all the people I met in Austin. We did a quick impromptu South by Southwest meetup. Me and Jordan Morris from Jordan, Jesse Go did. And it was a good time. It was a fun time. A lot of the world's best people is what they call Austin. Austin, we got the world's best people, they said. And it's true. I know it. I know it as a fact. You know what deep down in your heart? I know it deep down in my heart. World's best pizza, I meant to say people, but also our pizza is pretty good too.

Thanks to everybody spreading the word on Twitter. Thanks to Dorian Byrne, goes to 11 tons of people out there. Matthew Vos is out there. Also Matthew Modine. Vaughn for lots of people. Andy Volhop, everybody, everybody on Twitter talking about the show. Pussy Lake. Pussy Lake. All of our followers are out there spreading the word. So listen, guys, thank you again. Have we talked about everything? Go listen to the podcast yourself, Jordan, just to go to San Diego, America. Judge John Hodgman. A whole kick to it all. And thank you as always. You're the best. This very final question was sent in by Christina Curtis. Thank you, Christina. It's by Yahoo Answers user Marissa Ventura who asks,

Help! My boyfriend keeps shouting Illuminati during sex. Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother and my brother is your dad. School wear on the lips.