My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 48: Math Blaster

Episode Date: March 28, 2011

After two weeks of terrifying change, we've managed to get the show back on its regular schedule. Though our brief tryst with Tuesday was exciting, we know that there are some folks out there who need a booster shot of wisdom to start off their working week. Well, here you go, wisdom junkie. Suggested talking points: Hot Pocketism, Citizen of Jamaica, Wake and Cake, Deed to the Boathouse, Dad's Rig, Bongotron 3000, Math Boner, Present Fight, No Rules Just Right, Tickle Prostitute

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? For those tuning in that didn't hear all the pre-pro we just did, this is our third take at kicking off this show. Griffin, can you recap for me the last two takes? The first one was a botched attempt to make a joke about Earth Hour, and the second one was a far too soon joke about the passing of Elizabeth Taylor. It wasn't a joke, it was so immoral.

What kind of show is this? I checked the iTunes and it said comedy. I was laughing. This is my brother, my brother meets an advice show for the modern era. We take your questions and we turn them into wisdom. My name is Justin McElroy, I'm your oldest brother. My name is Travis McElroy, and I'm your middle-est brother. My name is Griffin McElroy, and I'm the baby. Adorable, just couldn't be cuter. Pinch these cheeks. Let's get right into it. Hey question, is it acceptable to secretly eat my roommate's hot

pockets if I do more than my fair share of the household chores? Thanks for your help, always hungry. I like that she lives in an economy where work equals hot pockets. I did a lot of work, that's about two and a half hot pockets. Travis, can you explain to me why you assume this hot pocket burglar is female? How did you make that jump? I don't know, it's like in Spanish where certain words have like an inherent sexuality, that's what this is. And you're saying it's hot pockets, right? Yeah. Hot pockets is the, I don't get that at all. Are you saying women are genetically controlled to steal hot pockets? Yes. To steal? I forgot that Travis also refers to vaginas as hot pockets. Almost exclusively. Don't get me started on lean pockets. When I

scan this question, I read it as my mommy's hot pockets. Mommy's hot pockets taste the best. Here's the thing, if you live with this person and I understand your relationship just by reading this question, like you can tell the tenor of this relationship. How could you possibly, he is overworked and the other person has a surplus of hot pockets that he may not notice That old chestnut. You got to get deep. I do more than my fair share of the household chores. The anger, the vitriol is there, it's present. And I got to tell you, if you have that kind of relationship, your roommate already thinks you're eating the hot pockets. Oh, they do. Whether you are or not. Yeah, make the punishment fit the crime at least.

Eat her, what, her breakfast pastries, her turns for shrewdles? Oh man, if someone ate my last strudel, I would be pretty. What if they ate the icing but left the strudel? What am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with this fruit plank? Get it out of here. I can't get this plank in the garbage disposal. Deborah, go clean up the garbage disposal for once. I think, what do they say about like alcoholism? It's like, it's not alcoholism unless you're secretly doing it. I think once you reach a point in your life where you're secretly jammed, very, very discreetly slam jam in hot pockets, you've reached a point where you need help, I think. Yeah, that's a good point. The first step in admitting you have hot pocket abuse is admitting

you have hot pocket abuse. It's really the only step too. Are you saying they should do this in public? Like just wait till your roommate's in the living room and then just loudly. How is your roommate going to learn? Because your roommate's not going to learn anything if you just slam jam while they're not there. No, I'm slam jamming your hot pockets. Yeah, he's like, Martin, I asked you to carry the trash out and you didn't. So now watch me eat this. This was yours. You need to feel it. Don't blame me. I have a disease. I have a disease in top pockets. They are delicious, though. Is there a flavor dependency here? Are there some flavors that's acceptable? For me, if you got meatballs in mozzarella, it might as well be stolen already. I recently moved

cross-country in Michigan to Texas. I left my friends and family and go live with a person I've never met, which brings me to my question, which I feel only you brothers can answer. When telling you where I'm from at the end of the email, do you, I tell you where I currently am or where I'm originally from? Thanks, Jim, from Oh God, I don't know yet. I think when we ask people to do that, to name their locale at the end of the question, it's mainly for like a census. It's mainly so we get a good idea. Not for a tracking purposes. No, we're not going to hunt you down, but we would like to know the cultural smattering of this great country or world of ours because we're international, internationally known.

This is a good question, though, because someone was telling me a story the other day that they worked with this person who said that they were from Long Island, New York, and they had lived there to the age of two and then moved somewhere else. Bad news, you were not. It's not where, where were you conceived? Like, that's not it. No, that's not it whatsoever. That's not even close to it. I think that the most important thing is which one sounds funnier with whatever the problem is that you have. Like, if you, if you're originally from some place that rhymes with my roommate smells bad and your question is about how your roommate smells, then I think you go with that one. I think it's all about,

it's all about alliteration. Sure. Is the number one issue here? I think he's the bigger question, the bigger issue here is where do you say you are from in general, in general, just like in life and stuff. I grew up in West Virginia. I went to school in Oklahoma and now I live in Cincinnati. Where the hell am I from? Well, West Virginia. You're a citizen of the world. Yeah, but like, I'm in Cincinnati now. So like, I'm, I might be from West Virginia, but I, when I meet people outside of Cincinnati and they ask where I'm from, do I still say West Virginia? Traps, when I go to Kings Island and people

ask where I'm from, I'll say Kings Island. I'm here now. Look at me. Well, if you lived at Kings Island though, wouldn't you? Like, if you took up residence in Kings Island, if you lived in the Tomb Raider, right? If you guys, yeah, I was, god damn Travis, you're in my mind. I was about to ask which ride you guys wanted to be on. So I could say Tomb Raider because it's obviously the best one to build a residence on. It's gone. Is it really? Yeah, they no longer have the affiliation with the Paramount. Oh, it's a call. They gutted it, but it's still a ride. It's just like the most boring ride. Swing chairs, the ride, the adventure. I think that whatever place you lived in the longest is your, is your, where you're from. I hate, I fucking hate it when people are like,

yeah, I just got back from Jamaica. I'm Jamaican now. It's like, I'm pretty sure you can't just do that. I'm pretty sure no one does that. I know nine or 10 people who came back with dreads and steel drums. So I am now. Love it. They're like, listen to the sound. Feel the sound of steel drums. Feel this rhythm. For Jamaica, I can feel it. You can listen to this rhythm, but I don't think you can hear this rhythm. Does that make sense? Because you're not from, from the islands. Hey, hey, it's a Jamaica thing. If you're not from, if you're not from sunny Jamaica, just get out of here. You wouldn't get it bald head. You don't understand. Hey, listen, I, I, I, I want to hear a Yahoo answer from Griffin. Oh, okay. Let me do that for you. We, we have access.

We pay a subscription fee to the Yahoo answer service. It's pricey. It is rich, but it's worth it. So we can find random strangers questions there and try to, uh, help them make fun of them to help them, help them, help them. Um, let's help this person. This one was sent in by golly, a Ali. Thank you, golly, a Ali. It's by Yahoo answers user oxymoron. I like a nice lemongrass, golly, a Ali ever have that? Hey, it's my very favorite. Uh, oxymoron asks, would it be disrespectful to bring birthday cake to someone's funeral? Well, gosh, like only in the way that that's exactly not the thing. Are there additional details where it just happens to work out that it's a funeral for someone who's also, it's their

birthday? No, but that's like the saddest thing ever. It's really depressing. Although these candles out, you can't know breath. Push his, push his tongue. Maybe there's one more breath in there. We can use the last one. Make a wish. I bet I know what you're going to wish for. There's no gift you can get somebody who's dead that isn't insensitive. Unless it's like, unless it's an extra pillow, a pillow. Yeah, that's about it. Um, sunglasses, a very new priestess, a weekend at Bernie's. I don't, I mean, but think about it this way. Those people at that funeral, they're so sad. They're so sad. And what, what makes you happier than anything in the world than when somebody's

like, Hey, there's cake. The question is where you put it. We're at a funeral because you got the line, right? Going to the coffin. Obviously, I don't know. It might be kind of a jam to put it at like the foot of the coffin like resting on the top because then like they say they're tearful goodbyes. Uh, but then like there's cake like instantly afterwards. Yeah. And you can't put it. You can't put on the other side of the room because people spend the whole day like coming up with excuses to not be near the casket. Oh gosh, that cake. I got to just get over there. Whatever you do, just be really, um, delicate and sensitive in the decorating of the cake. Yeah. So what do you, what do you think? Race car, obviously. Race car is fine. I would

avoid a zombie themed cake. A zombie themed cake. A dragon is good. Maybe like a phoenix would be appropriate. Oh yeah. So emerging, especially if they're being cremated. Who boy? I would really get it. You probably shouldn't write on the cake. You're not one year older. You're one year closer to death because they already done, they already done hit that. They are actually one year further from death. Like they're getting actually further from it. Negative one year. Yeah. This is my negative first birthday. It's, it's pretty cool. I can't wait till my negative 16th birthday so I can buy smokes and porn in the afterlife. In the afterlife. Yeah. Afterlife smokes. Hey, I got a question for you. How do I incorporate a quirk into my personality? I work in an advertising

agency, a naturally quirky environment, but I don't know how to start acting thing, start acting quirky. What if I wanted to be the guy who works barefoot? What if I wanted to be the guy who exclusively started wearing neon t-shirts? I feel like certain people can get away with these things and certain people can't. How do I become one who can? Nathan. Nathan, I have a suggestion. Maybe your quirk should be the guy who never says quirk. Can you do that for me? That's like a step one. You gotta, the thing is with so many things in life, the answer is we'll learn that's commitment. You gotta, if you're not going to wear shoes at work, if it gets cold in the office, you gotta commit. You're still no shoes Nathan. Got me no shoes Nathan. Can't back up on that.

And you get, if you wear neon t-shirts, you're neon Nathan. That don't change. You gotta commit. Neon Nathan is good because then if you become like a professional athlete, then that name will carry over quite well, I imagine. Yeah, I would like to give some advice to everybody who's looking to pick up a quirk and all those kids who want to define their personality by coming up with something. If you want to decide if you're the type of person who can, think about if you're the type of person who does. And if you don't already do it, don't start doing it. If you are a person who already does a weird thing, keep up with it. Don't pick up a quirk. Violating the premise of the question. I understand that. It's just like the most frustrating that I'm going to be the

dude who only drinks Boone's Farm. I'm going to be the guy that plays, you know, double neck mandolin. Don't do it. I do think that if you're going to pick a quirk, you should pick something that's useful. Like be the guy who, his quirk is, he knows how to pick locks. Like then you go from like quirk to talent or like special skill, you know? I think everybody on the planet should pick locks. I think everybody should possess that knowledge. I don't think that's quirky. I think if you don't believe in boundaries. If Nathan wore a candy necklace every day, think about that. There's Nathan with his candy necklace. That helps you because you get that sugar boost throughout the day. If somebody else wants to come and nibble on you, they can do that.

What if Nathan was the guy with the prehensile tail? Okay. Don't know how to get that. That's a long way. It's an outpatient surgery these days. Like you're in your out tail. I think that no matter what, people are very perceptive. If you try to pick up a quirk like this, people are going to know what you're doing. And for like the first month that you do it, they're going to judge you silently. They'll be like, oh, Nathan has a cane now? That's weird. But after that, you're going to break through it and people will be like, oh, that's Nathan. He has a cane. He doesn't have a limp or anything. He just carries a cane around. The thing is, it won't be cool until everyone who currently works there has quit and been replaced

with someone else. That's when it will be like a worthwhile, valid thing to do. Right now, it's tough sale. Tough sale. Don't do it, Nathan. You're a beautiful flower already. Nathan, you're better than that. How about your quirk is, you're the guy who can't stop talking about my brother and my brother and me at an advice show for the modern era. That guy never stops. He's always extolling the virtues of podcasts. I should give it a listen. Maybe you should. Hey, I'm wondering if I should start wearing cologne when I go out or dress up. Any recommendation on what I should start, what I should look for to start smelling like a classy dude, sense and sensibility. And that name was created by Travis.

You can't do that anymore. That's perjury. I like it. I like it. That's phelonious. What do you guys wear? Me? Yeah, what's your smell? I'm O natural. I used to do acts, but that made me smell like the inside of an air conditioner after a while. So I stopped. Well, what I imagine the inside of an air conditioner is smelling like rusty. It made me smell rusty and I hated it. Kind of rusty. Now I just slap on deodorant and I use Irish spring soap in case we fresh all day. I love it. I don't like to overpower people. I fly under the radar. I go with an old spice trifecta of old spice body wash, old spice deodorant and little bit of old spice cologne.

And then a dash of actual old spices. This coriander is ancient. Let me get it on my skin. Oh, that's good. Oh, that's really nice. I wear Burberry. I think I think Burberry. They make like bags, right? Burberry. Sure. Bags. Yeah. Yeah. So like I wear Burberry. I think it's called Burberry. The fragrance or smell like Burberry. Do you smear that right on your cumber bun? Or do you like a little ring around your monocle or how does it work? Can you? I have to. Yeah, sure. I have to. First, I soak it. Soak my ascot in it overnight. Ladies love that shit. Yeah. And then I take the deed to the Boat House and I soak it in that and I keep that in my pocket. It's sort of like a... What's that

smell? Let me check my pockets. Oh, it's this Boat House that I have. Here's the deed. It's this deed to the Boat House. It smells like Burberry right now. Just make sure when you apply it, the rule is that your cologne should only be powerful enough to be smelled in the embrace of a lover. Is that the rule? See, you're saying what's the perimeter? That is a good rule. It just makes me sick when you put it like that. I two sprays. The point was, I thought the point was to get the embrace with the smell. Like the people get... If your stink is attracting people from across the room, it ain't attracting people. I gotta go embrace somebody right now. What is that? You've never hunted a smell down. Like, oh, fuck, what's that smell? Gotta get to it. And then you

find it and at the end, there's a beautiful lady or a beautiful man or like a beautiful dog or something. Like it's something... I'm saying your smell influence shouldn't reach that far across the room. Yeah, that's your reach. Your throw is too big. You're gonna affect the taste of people's food in other rooms. It's not a good way to go. And don't forget bloodhounds. You don't want to throw them off. It's cruel. They're trying to solve crimes. I just don't know what smells good anymore, you guys. Well, as to how to pick a fragrance, we gave you some fragrance rules. Just go to your local department store and it's fun, man. Just go and start smelling. Say, hey, this is the kind of fragrances I'm into. Well, you probably won't know that, but maybe some notes

that you'd like. I'd like something with some notes of old leather and sandalwood. Can you hook me up and they'll... That sounds delightful. They will generate a smell for you. I would like to smell like an old book. Can I have that? I bet you they do. Make sure you say... That has to exist, right? Notes of whiskey. That's always good. Is that a real name? Campfire. I want to smell like an old hobo. Can I smell like an old hobo with campfire and whiskey? Oh, this is... Do you guys have midnight hobo in? Is that... Oh, that's refined life. Oh, man, I was trying to drink my chai tea and you just got me right there. So nice. Hey, this is nice, but are you guys... You guys want to do some eco-tourism? You want to take a journey with me for earth hour? Turn those lights off and

come with us. Turn those lights off and come with us on the journey to the money zone. All right. In the driver's seat, Mr. Ryan Schraut. What are we driving? We're driving an eco car. An eco car called... It's very small. Yeah. And it's taking us to a place called PC Perspective. That's Ryan's company. Now, Griffin, tell me about it. Hit me with it. What is PC Perspective? Listen, the world of PC, it's very confusing. Can you... I need you to explain what PC is for. I gotta... Pussy control. Pussy control. What's up, Ryan? Your business rules now. Go ahead. Hey, Ryan, you can use that. He never explicitly says,

I'm going to imagine it stands for personal computer, which we all have. Or a pussy computer. Or a pussy computer. I need more RAM. I bet you do. Anyway, personal computers are confusing. Who knows what's going on in there? I don't. Are wizards activating diodes? Who knows? Nobody does, except for PC Perspective. It's a great spot. If you need info on PCs, if you need in-depth reviews on PC components, I didn't know there were components in there. But apparently, there are. And apparently, they have different... They have varying degrees of quality. And that is something that PC Perspective can elucidate for you. I'm thinking about building a new computer, Griffin. Do they have anything

for me or should I just go screw off? No, they'll help you right there. If you want to toss together a fat rig to use the parlance of the hacker community, if you want to access cyberspace on the baddest rig around, then... If you want a real information super highway hot rod. Vroom vroom. You pull into the hardware leaderboard, which is the thing that they have on PC Perspective. Where is it at? ACPer.com slash HWLB. It's right there. It's shorthand for all those things we just said. And it'll give you recommendations for building your PC, which I actually built a PC one time, and I just bought a bunch of shit off Newegg. I was like, oh, I need a RAM. Let me just slap that on there. I need six diodes,

and the computer blew up. It took one of my legs. They got forums where you can chat it up with other people who are searching for perspective, and they talk about PC gaming, which I'm sure a lot of our audience is into. I didn't know you could game on this other than Jezball. I'm pretty into Jezball right now. PCPer.com for such podcasts. They have a show. It's probably better than ours. At least we'll teach you more about computers. We literally know I know nothing about these things that I do my work on every day. I'm on a computer nine hours a day. No fucking clue. That's going on in there. That's PCPer.com, PCPer.com. And they got reviews, community podcasts, check it all out. And while

you're going, you can make sure to hum this jingle that Griffin has crafted. Got to be honest with you. I tried to do some pre-pro on this one early because I was nervous, and I could not, for the life of me, turn PC perspective into a song. So let's see. Let's see how it goes. It's lively hot. I got the chord progression down, but gotta get those parts. Gotta snatch that ram up. Gotta get a cooler chassis for my big fat red. Gotta be a cyberspace wizard on PC perspective. That's not the URL. I'm going to take another stab at it. Nope, don't clap for that. Oh, good. Remix. What I thought was, I want to hear that again.

Hey, Dad. Whoa, that took a weird turn. What's wrong with your rig? I think that it needs more ram and bits and bytes. Do you dig? Let's get together on something for once. PC per dot com. There. I like that. You nailed it. That one had overtones of family in it. It's been strife. There was some strife there. It's like, Dad, I love you, but we just can't get together on it. Let's talk about PCs. I should have just sung Pussy Control. I really missed my opportunity there. I'm going to look up the tabulator to Pussy Control really quick. Yeah, maybe if PC part takes us to the money zone again, which they most certainly will,

they'll, we'll do a riff on a spoof. A hot spoof on Pussy Control. Spoof on Pussy Control. I live by myself and like Griffin, I've been on a lady siesta, internet fist bump. Sometimes after a long day at work, I actually just fist bumped my monitor. Like, why did I do that? I'm alone in our room. Sometimes after a long day at work, I like to have a beer, a beer. Come on. I go to my favorite bar after work once a week, occasionally more than once if I've had a particularly bad day or rough bus commute. Very rarely do I drink enough to be drunk. At most I leave a bit tipsy. I always tip well and never leave my glass sitting at a table for someone else to clean up. My question is this, is it okay to do this? Should I feel a shame for beving out by myself?

That's from single dark beer. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. It's totally cool. It's totally fucking cool. Like, you're not getting sloshed and like, I don't know, hitting on your neighbor. You're just having a, you're having a relaxer. Just relax. Alcoholism is just a label the society puts on you. I don't subscribe to labels. You've already, you've already eschewed their expectations for you in terms of pursuing and securing a life mate. Why not just shrug this one off too? You live the life you want. Like a heartbeat's at. Just do it. Drink it up. You're not going to meet anybody nice in your house. I'm just saying. I mean, I know like you're taking a break right now, but that's why he goes

out once a week. I do the same thing. It's like, maybe tonight, maybe tonight, I'll find that special somebody. I'll have one beer and I'll clean up after myself. Ladies will see that part. They will see that. Ladies will see that from across the bar. Like, did he just bust his own table? Get over here. Get over here. Let me just make sure you bring your own rag and your own coaster. And really take care of business. I brought these pretzels myself. You just get me a little bowl or something. I need a bowl for my rolled skull. Listen, I've got a paring knife. You just give me the lemon. I'll just sort of carve it myself. Keep on living. Okay. This is Matthew McConaughey says he likes to party. I think just don't party as hard as Matthew McConaughey. That's my barometer.

If nobody should party that hard, I don't think you can handle it. I've had to re, I've had to reskin my bongos three times trying to live as hard as Matthew McConaughey. Have you been, do you oil them? What? Yeah. You know, I was oiling them. I was using that. I was using that sandalwood oil for the longest time and it did help. You're right. It helped with the tone. It does. I'd say it brought it up a good half step, but the problem is afterwards, there was a lot of residue. Yeah, it's hard because once your hands get slippery, it's hard to break out a good paradiddle once your hands get that slippery. I would always get, as far as like, I was getting like, does the goosh. And when I would get to the goosh,

like my hand would stick for just that fraction of a second. I noticed in my earlier bongo years, I probably wouldn't have, but I need that responsiveness. Oh, I mean, what model are you, what model are you working with now? Is it a, is it an American buffer? Is it a? No, it's a bongotron 3000. It's pretty big in Europe. I'm kind of surprised you haven't heard. I think that that was a game that you and I just played and I think I lost. I think we just played bongo conversational chicken. We all lost, I think. Can you? In case anyone was wondering, bongo chan was my favorite transformer.

He didn't do much, but when he did, it was an L.O. He transformed from a robot into bullshit. Hey, do you want a yahoo? Yeah, redeem yourself. This one's sent in by Andrew binder. Thank you, Andrew. It's by Yahoo Answers user L.O.L. who asks, is it normal to be sexually attracted to? Anybody want to guess? I want to guess my answer. No. Numbers. Numbers. Is it okay to be sexually attracted to numbers? He adds, I admit I am gay. Well, okay. Well, but there are different numbers. There's some nights where I take the algebra book back into my room and jack off to the numbers. Number three is my favorite because it's so sexy. Well, yeah. It looks like a sideways butt. Yeah. That makes sense. It adds up. Or maybe

up sideways balls. There's a lot of things that that three could be. And sideways boobs. It's three is pretty hot. Let's break this question down. The first, my biggest problem with it is that he says, I admit that I am gay as if that has any bearing on the situation. Yeah, whatsoever. That's like, if you're straight in the numbers, then that's cool. Yeah. Or like, is he saying that that's like a side effect is like one out of every 100 people who like people of their same gender also would like to fuck a number? What's the sexiest number, everybody? See this. Listen, we're not ready to have that conversation yet. We'll get to that. But I think that we need to come up with some rules first. Are we talking about fucking the idea of a number?

Are we talking about I have the important thing is not to fuck anything under 16. Well, we're not gonna think anything funnier than that. God, are we? Are we? But I mean, are we talking about like fucking an actual like if we could manifest this number? I think you have to pick which shape would be like the most pleasurable to like rub up against? Do you have a numeral, a numeral or because like there's so many combinations beyond that. I'm saying what is the hottest numeral? We have to set a limit because I could just say like 16,783,492. And then that's a fucking orgy. Once you get that number. Yeah, let's say between zero and 100. No, numeral, a numeral between one zero one zero. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes. It's zero. Nope. It went

zero. It's mysterious. Justin, do you want to guess? Well, zero is not bad. I think seven is the sexiest number. Travis, second guess. Eight. Yep. What's up two holes? How did you get their two holes? Which one tonight? You know, he's down. Do you want the top? Do you want that solid, that solid hefty bottom? Or do you want the narrow, the slightly narrower top? And also it recalls snowmen, which everybody can all agree. Always hot. I shouldn't impress my feelings on people. Here's if I were to defend eight, I would say it's obviously not three, right? Because the three is just half an eight. You cut it sideways right down the front already. Sure. Sure. Why have you got two threes already? It's called an eight. A number one. How are you supposed to

fuck that? Really? Yeah. Zero. That cavity is gigantic. No, yeah, that's just that you're just begging to feel inadequate. Two, I think you could make a case for. It's got a nice curvature, which you guys know I'm a fan of. Yeah, you do like curvatures. The problem with two and five and seven. Yeah, and that's it. Where do you put it? Yeah, I see what you're saying. If you have to have intercourse with a numeral. And that is what we're saying. Right. Then three would be tricky, but I think you could. Yeah, you could do it. Yeah, I think so too. I would like to know when this person discovered this problem because it could have made for like the most awkward math class ever when he's sitting there. Teachers like say I have 12 apples and I take five away. What do

you have? And the answer is boner. Yes. Hey, grandfather, are there any answers? Do people help him out at all? Diana Quimby says, I like 69. Oh, that's cool. Nice try, Diana. Um, so many, so many, um, okay, says, yes, completely normal. Have fun. You're not hurting anyone. I disagree. Now, I agree with the second half of that sentence, but let's not throw around terms like completely normal. You robbed the words of their power. Yeah, like that. I'm a Gleek says everyone has their quirks, I guess. So neon Nathan, guess what? Number Nathan. Hey, number Nathan, what's up with number Nathan? He's over there. He's playing math blaster and he's fucking jerking it so right to math blaster. Number

Nookie Nathan. Number Nookie Nathan. Jerks it to math blaster. I heard on the end. I heard he is the math blaster. He says. Hey, listen, I have, I have a sister who gives the best presents for Christmas and every birthday. She comes up with something so ridiculously amazing that I just can't think of how to top her. I know the idea of presence is not to top the other person, just one time. I would like to win. She's giving me things like a robotic butterfly in a jar. What? How do I retaliate in the present war? Thanks guys, presently stumped. I didn't know that was a thing. How could you? You gotta quit. You think? Yeah, I think you gotta stop the present world altogether. Really lower expectations and then in 10 years get a decent

present and they're like, wow. So you're saying like give someone like a gift certificate that says like I donated a tree in your honor for like 10 years in a row. I got you a goat in a village far, far away. I think, or you could just bow out by getting like the shittiest present ever. Race to the bottom is what I'm saying. Top yourself that way and top yourself below it. Because it's not going to hurt you. She'll pretend that she loves it still, but then she'll be like, oh, um, Michael, Michael just like got me, uh, was his Barnes and Noble gift certificate, but they're closed down. Like give her whatever gift certificate for it. 250. Okay, great. Thank you. Just take her present that she gives you the next year. Give it back to her with a $5 bill

taped to it. Yeah. It's like, what's up now? What's up now? I guess it's a little better this year, because it's pretty good and it's a crude interest. It's a crude value over the over the passing year. This is why I don't like presents because it is a competition. Guess what? It is a competition and you're probably, if you have to ask, you're probably losing. Hey, by the way, it sounds like your sister's secret might be ThinkGeek. So maybe you should go to ThinkGeek and, and check out some of the gifts they have there because then you might be able to beat her that way. Oh, instead of buying the shittiest present ever, just make it. Then she really can't get mad at you. Yeah, you really won't see that coming. What have you done with these clothespins? Michael,

I'm looking at it and I honestly can't tell. What is this supposed to be? Is this an ash tray? Because there's a lot of cavities in it. For ash. For ash. For ash to slip through. I'm a hotel housekeeper in Australia. Whoa. We have to try. I should try an accent. Should I do an accent for this question? Yeah, I love that. Oh, I was racially cleaning the room of a guest who was from the state. Is that good? Perfect. It sounds like you were like time traveling and you're like talking to us like in a time vortex. He opened up his wallet and asked me what the usual tipping rate is over here. I told him that unlike in the U.S., hospitality workers here are paid enough by their employer that they don't rely on tips as income and that it isn't necessary. He said,

oh, and put his wallet back in its pocket. I thought tipping was a sign of appreciation for providing a good service. Should I take this personally? Should I not have told him the truth or have I just encountered a cheap dick scrape? Jen. I actually have a theory on this. I think that anytime you go to another culture, more important to you than money is that you don't look like a dipshit. So when this guy got his wallet out and you said, we don't really do that so much, he probably felt like a dipshit so hard that he just put the money away for fear of sounding like a dipshit. That would be my guess at least. You definitely humiliated him. He was embarrassed.

Jen. What I don't understand is why you didn't take this guy to the fucking cleaners. Jen. How much is that tip? Jen. Yeah, over a hundo just because that's how we do it in Australia. Jen. Money means nothing here. We just give it away. Jen. Yeah, so give me some of it. So it would mean a lot to me though if you gave it to me. Jen. This is why I don't travel. Jen. This is it? Jen. I'm serious because I would do this. I would be that guy and I never recover from that shame. Jen. Ever. Jen. But here's what I've learned from traveling. Like you think that someone who is, I used to think when I was younger that if I travel a lot that things would make more, like there is a culture sort of inherent to travel where like

a worldwide culture, you know what I mean? Like something that if you've been in enough places you just kind of grok what's going on. Griffin and I stayed in a hotel last, I guess earlier this month where every night when we would come to the back to the hotel room there were floor mats that said sleep well and slippers. It wrapped up in plastic. We had nightly debates about whether those slippers were free. There's no rules. And since you're in Australia there's no rules just right. Like at the outback. That's what you should tell him. There's no rules to tipping. There's so you're saying just just embrace your ineptity at international affairs. Just like if I'm going to have another if I'm going to have enough shrimp to put on the Barbie, I need you to tip me right

now. Why are you wearing a Hawaiian shirt? You do realize that not all islands are like the same. This isn't like a tropical resort for you. Like we live here. Jen. You're wearing sunscreen. You're indoors and you're wearing sunscreen. My advice is don't be careful not to use the word necessary because I think that people only tip because it is necessary and if you say that's not necessary that translates to don't do it. So maybe say like well you know if you really appreciate the service then we accept tips but it's not required. Tipping is such a sensitive thing. I don't know why this guy would would breach that sensitivity and be like hey do you need this? Like what you've been in front of you? Are you having some troubles? How much of what I have do you need to be happy?

I've got to give. Do you need it to have? I've got a vein open. Come drink. I think next time just say 10% and go about your business. I think that's that's that's also that's kind of a dick move by the way. Don't ask this person what the usual tipping rate is. What what are you thinking? Ask like the somebody somebody else your cabbie or literally anybody else tips. No I'm trying to trouble thinking of people that she would interact with that that would not require tips. A con partial. Nope tips. Have you ever seen the secret of my success during Michael Fox? Not in too long. Yeah I tipped a soda machine in a hotel once. I just put another dollar in. I was like that's for you. Good job. For a second I thought it was it was going to

turn into a real like Brett Michael's story like you tipped a soda machine and then you kicked it out of flight of stairs. No I would never hurt a soda machine like that. Do you want to answer? Yeah I was just about to ask for one. This one was sent in by America's favorite person Jacob Blocker. I did. There was a time poll and he won it for that thing. It's by y'all who gets your user bowler who asks I need tickle fetish help. So I have a tickle fetish and I was wondering if there is a tool I can use to tickle my feet such as an electric toothbrush or something. Uh-huh. That's it. It's really a question of reach isn't it? I mean I imagine when you have a tickle fetish I can't

tickle myself like I don't know how you're supposed to do it without the help of some sort of tools. I have a boner. Do you? Stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. Do stop. I have a boner. No please it's uncomfortable now you haven't been tickling me for too long. I have a fetish it doesn't mean I'm not a masochist. You should really I think that if you have a tickle fetish you need to become the person who warns every single person you come across that you have a tickle fetish like you're getting a like a job interview they're like is there anything else you need to tell us like well I have a tickle fetish which I need you to know because if you can't ever come up to me in my cubicle and and be like hey Johnson come here fluffy fingers and then like it's like

boss man I have a boner now that I have to deal with for the rest of the day that you gave to me and I have to like rock hard I gotta go home to my wife and kids and it'll be like how's your day it's like pretty good my boss gave me a tickle boner so I guess actually what I said about it being pretty good was wrong it's opposite of that I'm still chewing on that factoid um I guess a back scratcher like would that work or a brother's long ones with a foot a broom how about most most witches just have tickle fetishes a lot of people don't know that are there is this a thing I'm I guess I'm just surprised that this is the thing like are there people who like go to prostutes and they're like $50 for a beach a hundo for a Minnesota pincher and you're like how much just

for like a how much for fluffy fingers how about you just tickle me do you want I'll tickle you I will tickle you to titter but not to full chuckle and then they'll get confused and be like like your penis like you want me to tickle your penis like oh no no no I'm not ticklish I'm ticklish I'm like tummy uh if you could just give me tummy honks uh if you can get up under my armpits and maybe my big toes I have here's what I have I have tummy honks those are on the table that's $25 I'll give you I'll give you pit pushers where I get up in there and really squeeze and tickle you that's no problem fluffy fingers that's gonna cost you and also kissing on the mouth $150 so if you want to add that surface we also offer a nice nice relax afterwards because you

need to cool down from the tickle you get an oolong tea and a time life time life time life book about the old west sit joker oolong and read your time life book about stellar tickle I'm gonna learn about cowboys a good good good tickle uh I wonder what Apache uh relations were like Diane you were worth every penny I am I am giggling like a schoolboy over here can you be a dove and nuke my oolong got so into this part about uh hatchet crafting you know what the nice thing is about going to a tickle prostitute what's that um you get a happy beginning middle and end I want to hear Griffin's last question uh but first quick housekeeping uh type stuff uh you've

been listening to my brother and my brother and me uh as always the nicest thing you can do for is tell a friend um we have a lot of people who do that you know in meat space just say hey listen to this and then they jam like a usb drive or a disc and then we have people who do it on the internet uh like joe patrick uh 116 mike tart is up on there anybody anybody else really been killing it this week uh jeff grub uh jeff grub uh there's alce main marico always killing it 100 percent of the time uh tech monkeys oh christ kory dutson c dutson on twitter created well we created griffin space jam dot com with a rough a rough draft i would say the first installment c dutson turned up the fucking heat it is now a full sensory sort of experience there's you if you

want sight there's sight if you want read which is one of your senses there's read you can read there sound he's got that he put the jingle on there it's it's such a fucking delight i'm so happy that he made it thank you c dutson show that so you should follow him man that that's a good website it's like the best website i can't believe that it continues to be more productive like it's more useful until it passes google do you think maybe that's everybody's homepage everybody has a secret like love of the space jam franchise in their heart but they they don't know like i need a safe place where i can go and talk about how much i love lola because she's so she's just so feminine and delicate um you can do that here by the way everybody here's a fun little uh little interactive

adventure you can go on right now uh if you get on youtube and search bugs and lola and then just like go on a journey just like watch the videos that come up because you are gonna love them you're really um also if you are in the chicago land area or you can get there uh you need to go to maximumfund.org you need to to look for that link about our show that we're doing live there uh and and or you can just go to the second city website uh april 17th we're gonna be there with jordan jesse go um we're gonna be opening for them and then they're gonna do their thing and the whole night will be hosted by dan telfer who is fucking hilarious he's so funny if you watch his uh he's got a video on youtube called the best dinosaur jesus christ go watch it it's the

fucking funniest thing uh so dan has an added bonus um april 17th is griffin's birthday so we'll probably be going out afterwards we're doing like a meet-up thing we're gonna get fucked up sunday night yeah don't tell jesus don't tell jesus griffin's drunk guy's birthday um so so make sure you get tickets for that uh we cover twitter if you have questions for us nbmbam at maximumfund.org and you follow us on twitter we we're we're we're climbing the ranks here we still need more of you to to join us so uh we're all on twitter separately too it's just i think we just hey we broke three we broke three thousand hey all right yay pretty good um if you want to promotion if you want to take us to the money zone and we'll take you to the jingle zone uh you can email therisa at

maximumfund.org uh that's therisa with an h i know some people some people like to astute the h uh travis you're dating an ageless therisa i gotta say i i i i don't know how i feel about that you didn't consult us with me neither if you guys get married and she has to change her name because she just popped that h just very i'll see what i can do i mean i'll definitely bring it up thanks um so i i believe uh that is that is everything thank you guys there's always so much for hanging out with us um we will of course be back sorry we missed a couple mondays there but we're back on on the regular schedule now so make sure you you check that out check us out check check our show out at archives

go ahead grevin whenever you're ready i'm gonna call this out travis just uh wrote us a message on skype uh sometimes he does this whenever he does things during the show uh that he wants me to edit out in in post uh and it says i farted at 54 minutes so i'll make sure to stop back in and cut that cut that flatulence out but i am leaving this in so that people know what you did i couldn't sort i heard it if you go back and play i don't know if you could edit it in but he made a sound afterwards like what happened let me just what did i do let me highlight that waveform amplify 20 db's sorry about your spray half of a second i forgot where i was which happens to me quite often and once happened to me on the bus it's one of those moments where it was like

extreme comfort for it oh no that's how you can tell and then i try to cover it up with a throat clear time traveled for a second he just got lost in the moment this is the grossest podcast um i hate it how about this one was sent in by kevin frida thank you kevin it's by yahoo answers user the casual fan rises who asks ladies imagine this i have x-ray vision and i can see through your clothes what now this has been my brother my brother and me yes your dad is aware on the lips keep your heart three stacks keep your heart hey keep your heart three stacks keep your heart man he's just smart he stacks these girls smart play your part