My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me 49: More Power

Episode Date: April 4, 2011

So, let's get this out of the way from the get-go: It's an odd episode. Justin's rapping on death's door, Travis is reading questions and Griffin is, as ever, high on peyote. We're not saying you should skip it, but ... well, let's temper those expectations, shall we? Suggested talking points: A cameo from Tom Waits, Art Installations and Angel Tests, Straight Cos', Danny/Joey/Ghost Alpaca, Full-Body Spanx, Khakis, Strategic Home Improvement Reserve

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, and like I think it was, it was a deep cut, that would be like episode 38, I think, is back there. No, it was like episode three. It was like episode negative eight. We have as promised, the godfather of deep singing rock music. It's soul, I guess, it's soulful. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Waits. Hey everybody, really, really nice to be here, thank you. Now Tom. Yeah.

How, how, first of all, how the fuck did you hear about this show? Because you're like super famous and busy all the time. Right. Well, when I was, when I was playing the role of the engineer in a film called The Book of Eli with Mr. Denzel Washington, he, he said he. A fellow deep voicer. Another deep voice fellow. He said to me, there's going to be a podcast that's going to start in a few months, and you are, you're really going to want to get into it. Well, let's explain, because we, before we did this as an independent venture, we tried to get it green lit. Right. Denzel Washington's independent film studio. The movies. It's just called, it's just called Denzel. Denzel. Right. And he said, Justin, there's going to be a, there's going to be an advice show

for the modern era. There's going to be three brothers, basically, they're going to take people's questions and they're going to turn them into wisdom. So it'll be like alchemy. And I said, that's a good line. You should send it to him. Yeah. Everything we say on this show, if you think it's funny, just send a thank you letter to Denzel Washington, which you should be doing anyways. Yeah, you should. Yeah. Just to tell him that you appreciate it. Thomas, can we get a, maybe a few bars of your favorite song that you did? You have any, any requests in particular? How about the moon and the devil and the whiskey bottle makes three. Okay. Here we go. I see you tonight on a downtown train. Every night, every

night is just the same on a downtown train. That's good. That's beautiful. Thanks. You've still got, you've still got it. And by it, I mean, just like a upsettingly, like the devil's voice, you basically have the devil's voice and you, but you still have it. Well, thanks. You know, it's a, it's a kind of love it or hate it type thing. You know, a critic by the name of Daniel Dershals once said it sounded like it was soaked in Nevada bourbon left hanging in the smoke house for a few months and then taken outside and run over with a car. So that's kind of what I was thought. Hey guys, April fools. You guys got, you were, I know you all were waiting for our goof and our spoof and this was it. What do you mean? You're not, you're not really Tom

Waits. I sound like Tom Waits. You do. But that, I mean, I, you're not the person that you sound like. Right. To make it clear though, that was a goof of necessity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really, mother necessity is the inventor of all good goofs and spoofs. Electricity was originally a goof. Gotcha. You wanted to shock somebody in the tuchus. Hold this kite with your butt. Hold this kite. Pranked him. Hold this butt kite. I'm going to shock you in the tuchus. But this, but this key in your anus, I want to shock you. This key in your butt for science. Justin, what happened to you? Because it does sound like your voice got hit by a car. I, I got a cold. I get happy. I'm human. No one gave me advice not to get a cold. That's where the

hazards of having your own show. You guys, though, I got to tell you guys, you're lucky. You caught me this early to record because as soon as this shows over, I am going to take a bunch of decks from a Thor fan. I'm going to get really high. Oh yeah. I'm going to watch Twin Peaks just in like a marathon. Don't do that. The original idea that I had was instead of being Tom, Tom Waits, I wanted to be the weird dwarf. We live in a land that filled with music. Well, that's been a dream of yours for a long time, hasn't it? Like you've been wanting to do that for a while now. This is my cousin. She looks like Gloria Ballmer. Can I, can I be the log lady? Yeah, he's real. Hey, what's up, everybody? 1989, represent. Reagan did a great job. I

thought. That show just came out on Netflix Instant Queue. That means it basically just came out. Finally, people can see Twin Peaks. We weren't old enough to watch it the first time. Hey, let's answer some questions. What do you think? Get balls deep. Griffin, I'm going to ask that you take over the question asking for this show to preserve what's left of my dainty pipes. OK, people are going to learn that I'm not a good, like the strongest reader. Fuck them. I could maybe read a couple. No, Travis is right. Brothers, there's this nice bike. Stop, stop, stop. No, no, no, no, no. So close. It's your inflection. Thank you for the opportunity. You sound like you're talking down to the question.

OK, then you do it. No, I want you to really just give it your all. I want you to do it. I just want to push you to it. Brothers, there's this nice bike that's been changed to a pole by my job since October. It's remained unmoved through several snowstorms, hail, rain and all other bad weather. I want it. I haven't seen any signs of an owner and I even left my forwarding address on the seat, but got no response. Would it be terrible if I just clipped the chain and outright took it? It's starting to rust. And that comes from the urban Robin Hood. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't come from urban Robin Hood. Robin Hood didn't steal from the missing and keep for himself. You are a kid again.

I steal from the absent and keep it. And keep it. And give to the me. Why do you want a bike, dog? Hey, what's up? Public transit not good enough for you? The bus. I think that this is like an age. I have this problem all the time when I'm like stuck at a really lengthy red light and there's no one around. There's no other cars in no way is this like threatening a traffic accident. And I'm like, I could just go. This isn't going to bother anyone. This is a victimless crime. Yeah. That's what you're saying. Except for the victim of the guy who has the bike. It has been months. It has been sitting there since October. Oh, since October. Yeah, that was just an eyesore. Yeah, it's possible that this is an

art installation. You have to be so careful these days. So careful he says half of the things you see on the street are installations. And I think there's an equally good chance it's an angel test. Oh my God. Half of the things you see on the street are art installations. The other half angel tests never they don't ever they don't ever meet. They're never there. If they meet the world one. Yeah. I think that if you want the bike and you're going to put it to good use, take it just chain like a note. This is like, I'm sorry, I stole your shit. I owe you one bike. Here's where the bike is. Come get it. Did somebody maybe somebody maybe park it there. Maybe somebody had a few drinks. Something right in their bike. Is that legal?

I think you can operate a bike as long as it doesn't have a motor on it, right? Anyway, they're drunk. I'm biking. There's there's Denny's workplace. I'm going to chain it up right there and walk the rest of the way home. Wakes up the next morning. Dude, where's my bike? I don't know. Hey, why don't you take the bike but put an ad on Craigslist that says I got your bike. Got your bike. If you want it, come tell talk to me about it. Run, tell that come tell me about your bike. And if your bike matches this bike, I'll give you this bike. It is covered in decals now, but you can have a back. It's tricked out and I did. I took it off some ramps. So just keep that in mind. I like snakes. It's now used to adrenaline. Your bike

is hooked on adrenaline. True bike on dread because I have been taking off so many ramps and half pipes. That's an old wise bike. I feel bad for that bike. Bikes aren't a bike. Chain to a pole is safe, but that's not what bikes are for. They're for sweet ramps and sweet snake decals. Yep. And deliveries. Man, I want a bike. Yeah, I'll get you one. Don't worry. This next question comes from Ms. Molly May 12th. That was good. You'll find it. Yeah. And the question is how do you act around a guy friend who you just rejected? Absent. You act like you're not around him. See, I'm going to say, I'm going to say victorious. Whoa. Really? Yeah. He's facing it. You wear his shame like some sort of belt,

like some sort of championship belt. You've bested him in the field of love. Yeah. In the game of love, he basically forfeit. Like that was the equivalent of like killing him with the first strike before even a couple of swings in. It's his fault because he fucked up because he read the situation so bad. He's like, I'll miss Molly May. She gave me half of her snack pack the other day. Snack pack? Yeah. She gave me half of it and it was good. So she must love me. Like she must love me. There's no doubt about that. She gave me half of her Neapolitan ice cream sandwich. So like she's down to fuck. I know this. I know this thing.

That is actually a good tip. If you could stop doing whatever slutty thing, made him think you were a DTF, that would probably help. Is that it? Or is this guy a psychopath and like she made him a friendship bracelet in fourth grade and he's like, oh, he's like still into it. Gonna have that. Don't. You are mine. You don't owe this guy shit. You beat him. You won. Justin, I couldn't tell if you were joking or not because you've lost all inflection somewhere in your gravel pit of a voice, but I think you're right. Like about the being absent thing. I don't think there is a good way to interact with this dude

after you've broken his tiny pitiful heart. I think you just need to walk away for a while and then come back and be like, hey, are we cool now? Are we cool now? You gotta start. No, you don't think so? I think you gotta start fresh. No, fuck that noise. Like he's not going to chase you off because he advanced and you reposted. Yeah, it may be actually less awkward for him if you just act like nothing ever happened. Or more awkward, but regardless, fuck that guy. It's like getting fired off a job, but then asked to still complete your work. He's the one who set this off. He set it off is what I'm saying. So you shouldn't be the one who's like, oh, better hide. That's a good question.

He should be asking us how to act around. Hey, I don't goofed so hard with my best friend. I goofed. Guys, I wish I'd asked you before I asked this girl out. Ask us before you do anything. Oh, that's it. So after you reject them, just look at them and say, you're free to go now. I've booked you an exciting travel package in the Alps. Fuck out of here, Denny. Get the fuck out of my life, Denny. Griffin. Yeah, I got you. I was drunk last night and I ended up asking for Yahoo questions on Twitter like eight times. Yeah, you did. I kept forgetting that I had done it. You're like, my heart's totally eclipsing. Yeah. Give me some YAHOs.

So thank you, everybody, because people respond to each and every time. Okay, this one was sent in by a Louis dog. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Hams. Hams asks, what's a gnarly catchphrase to say after I score a touchdown? It's something something like protect this house or all day, every day. Oh, my God. There's, let me let me let me set the bar. KCAM responded. Fuck you, bitches. Fuck you, bitches. That's good. That's good. Maximus Prime says, I like to call that an old fashioned ass whooping. That's a little wordy. Yeah. I like to touchdown six points. I like to call that an old fashioned ass whooping.

Nobody. Yeah. It's got to be simple. It's got to be something you can just project. You can just shoot out like buckshot from your mouth when you get that that sweet good six point run and you pick six in a football match. Didn't crack my pants this time. Too long. Damn it. You got to shoot. Explode. It's just got to explode. Like, score them. How about that? Eat my farts. All right. See, that's if like we've just been sacked in the in the red zone, you just got that pick six and you get sacked in the red zone, but you scored them and you can say, eat my farts and like there's a bunch of things on top of you. Like the ball across the plane of score. I got the ball past

the plane of score. Eat these farts. That's good. I'm the Superman of points. That'll be pretty good. How about big game? Big game? Yeah, because like you're letting everybody know that this is like a big deal for you. Well, it's the same as you just shot momentous. Best day ever. Did you guys see that? There are one of any number of Harry Potter spells that you can jump. Oh, yeah. Flippen though. Levantarno. No, that's Spanish word for live. Expelliarmus. Yeah, summon your Expecto Patronum. Yeah, because your dad, because you want your dad to be able to see it. Wish my dad was here. That's a good one. Wish my dad was alive. Dad, check this. Pick six. It goes that beat my moves. Cosby. Cosby is so great. Just yell Cosby.

Cosby I was on that move. And then do the Cosby dance from the Cosby show. I stiff-armed him and it was straight cause. Yeah. No joke. Full cause. Cosby swag over here. Maybe you should use your moment of glory to make a statement that's really important, that's impactful. Maybe you shout like, as soon as you touch down, you're like, free Tibet. Or maybe like, bring back Dunkaroos. Those two things are roughly equal on the important spectrum. In the spectrum of time, I've been thinking about them. They're pretty close to equal. I used to do all my philosophical discussions and pondering about the state of Tibet. While eating Dunkaroos. And I find that without them, it's hard to do the first thing too.

Exactly. That's exactly my point. Can we boil this down instead of words? Is there a thing you can do with your body? Wiener out. But you're covered in so much gear that it's hard to get to the... Maybe just pantomime Wiener out. Oh, you think? Yeah. I don't know. And then kind of a back and forth swing, which you guys can't see me because I'm of course speaking into a microphone, but I totally just did. I've known you for 23 years. I know when you're pretending to pantomime a dick swing. Maybe pantomime something from another sport. Like you score a touchdown, then pantomime shooting a free throw. That's great. Because people won't know what you're doing.

What if you're like Michael Jordan and you're proficient at every sport and also my best friend, and then every sport you do, you do something fucking awesome, and then you do a thing from the other sport? Or like one step further and like pantomime reading a book, pantomime pouring some tea. Yeah, right. Exactly. Kiss one of them on the mouth. What if you sat on the ground and scooted your butt across the ground like a dog? Hey, get off there. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Make the ref come over and swat you on the nose. When you score a touchdown, just kind of meander around and look real confused. What just? Did I do it? What was that?

What if while you play football, you just constantly yell what you're doing? I'm running. Pass. Catch the sack. Avoid. Juke. Juke. Plank steroids. Fake plant. Oh shit. Dogfights. So, Justin, I want you to know, I've never fully appreciated your job as the question reader. Sorry. But like the feeling of when it's time to move on to a new question is something like, I think it's a science. I think it's an art that I don't have yet, but I feel like that time is now. Yeah, the touchdown question ended like four minutes ago. I know. Yeah. Do aliens exist? My boyfriend is terrified and thinks that he's been abducted before.

He watches UFO videos a lot and has shown me some and sometimes they look very real. It's not that I'm not open to the possibility. I'm just worried that he thinks and worries too much about it. Are they real? What should I do? And that comes from Steph from Gmail. Is this? You know what looked real? Independence Day. Yeah. Those looked real. Are they real? Absolutely. Dude, in this crazy like huge universe, yeah, I think the chances that we are like the only planet with habitation, I mean, it's, it might be true, but I think that that is a little ridiculous to assume. But I also think it's ridiculous to assume that if there are other creatures on other planets, they totes

want to come down and take us. Like, no, they want to, they'd want to hang out. Yeah, I want to do a lot show. I think they're pretty cool species. But it's like me thinking that because those people in other countries, they want to come kidnap me. Like just because other people exist in the world, in the galaxy, doesn't mean they want to come get you. That's a good question. They just want to come down and hang. Yeah. Yeah. And if they were going to abduct someone, why wouldn't they take like George Clooney or the president? I don't know. Explain to me your thought. Like, why would they take those people? Well, because they are important. That's fine. But as we've established, these aliens just want to bro down. Right. They just want to hang. They just want to hang with some

cool bros and like watch a movie or something. So they just came down to like check out the chicken wing situation. And if they came down and they abducted the president, they would be fucked. The whole planet would be on lockdown. Like a full blown ID for panic. And nobody, they don't want that to happen. So the stakes are too high in that situation. So instead, they want to take like Jimmy from Sheboygan and just like chill, fucking watch the game bro out. Yeah. Crack a crack a Hiney. By which I mean a Heineken and not his not his but although they may do that too, because they're aliens, those fucking nasty aliens. Gross. Up until that moment, aliens were starting to sound pretty cool.

Yeah, that always that always that loophole. By which I mean your butt. It's not they're not doing it to they don't know what they're doing. That's how they talk in their in their language. They talk telepathically and but a path. Correct. Right. Yeah. Recto. Recto. Recto. Lalo. Lily. Megalomeli. Suppositorily. I think Stephanie, you should tell your boyfriend. I think of worrying about aliens is sort of like Todd Snyder, a singer songwriter. Todd Snyder says about a gay marriage. What do you say that's that's something that worries people that ain't got shit all else to be worried about. And I think that your boyfriend needs to get worried about some real

things. He's worried about you. If you're happy, you're happiness, financial stability. That's a real thing. Warming Libya. What's going on over there? I don't know. Superflu. Superflu. Yeah. The oncoming pandemic. There's all kinds of shit. What do you mean oncoming? You sound like you sound like. Well, I'm patient zero. So I have a bunch of rocks in a bucket right now. We've got it already. You're hurting my feelings. No, I'm saying it's a good sound. And it's okay. Oh, you like it? Yeah. But you do sound like a bunch of rocks just shuffling around in a bucket. Sure, I get it. Yeah. Griffin, do you have a Yahoo for us that you might be able to toss our way? Yeah, I have like 66 and I'll do one of them. Okay, thank you. This one was sent in by Rob Starobin. Thanks.

It's by Yahoo! Answers user MrChocolate. He asks, I am looking to start my own porn website. I'm serious. Only answer if you have suggestions. We are like, we're made of suggestions. Names? For content? I want to start a website because porn is a billion dollar industry. I feel as though this could be one of the easiest things to do. I visit these sites. Doesn't seem to be much to do. Any suggestions on how to get the site up and running? I can take care of the other details. See, it seems easy, but there's a lot of administrative decisions that you have to make when setting up this sort of like you need a business plan, is what I'm saying. So, wait, I'm confused here as to what exactly he's like, how to put something on the internet?

I mean, that seems, he doesn't seem to mention any specifics. Yeah, I dig this guy because he's saying I have lots of videos of women having sex. Well, do we know it's women? Do we know it's not like alpacas? I have videos of something that is a billion dollar industry. Can you explain to me is it just alpacas fucking? Well, there's some romance there too. I mean, it's not just fucking. Oh, it's all about the story. Yeah. So you're saying the plot. Yeah, you know, like there's not about that. Like an alpaca delivery man rolls up and he's like, hey, I brought these alpacas you were looking for. And she's like, but I've already got six alpacas. But then they find that they have a lot in common and then the alpacas fuck. Okay. Oh, cool. I've heard. I've heard

a story. I mean, it's not that I've ever seen that or anything. I mean, I don't know this. I mean, this guy asked for suggestions. Alpacas with fucking romantically, romantically fucking. Yeah, I mean, it's sensual. It's not like there's not like, there's no like anger in it or anything. I mean, it's just very sweet. And then they cut a lot. You would be, you would probably think there was anger because alpacas make weird noises when they're not fucking. Like I can only imagine like mid coitus, like the kind of grunts that those things can produce. It's the worst. Well, it sounds like that. It sounds like Justin right now. Yeah. I said, my voice sounds like bourbon soaked alpacas that have been hit by a car. And then while fucking, while fucking,

and then they fucked afterwards because they were so happy to be alive. We made it. Let's suck the male out of this, Deborah. Um, so. Carpe diem. Carpe my, carpe my alpaca tape. I've got a notepad and a pinout. I'm writing number one. Alpaca fucking. This spitball. What about alpaca farming? I hear that's a billion dollar a year industry, too. That's it. As long as we're at it. You can get full house slash Vic. Oh my God. That always goes down, right? Can you, I almost hesitate to ask. Don't Google it. I don't think you want me to do this. This is, uh, I've been working on this one.

This is my magnum opus, you guys. It's a, it's a Danny Joey romance. Uh, at this one, I'd call it a novella. It's pretty long. It's called late night San Francisco, Danny Joey Meadah. So we're, we're shopping the title, workshop in the title, but check it totally out. Get, get to give you some rad boners and maybe a little bit of nostalgia too. It's got M M M. It's got M F M. M F M and it's got M M F. It's got Comet. Comet's in the, Comet's in the mix. Yeah, but I made him an alpaca. So they make Kimmy Gibbler watch. I made Comet an alpaca and I made Kimmy Gibbler watch. So it's, it's a pretty messed up story. But you're really going to like the plot twists. Don't forget to comment if you dig it.

What about fucking ghosts? Has anybody done that yet? About fucking ghosts? Cause that opens up a lot of doors. Cause it could be, it could either be a really hi-fi, like Ghostbusters 2 production where you can fuck any woman in history. In history, if you've got the SFX rate, if you get Weta Works on that, if you get the, like the Peter Jackson industrial light and magic and sound on that, that could be a high quality, very erotic porno, or you can lo-fi it and just have you fucking the air and you're like, pretend that you're fucking a ghost. You don't have to have a second party there. Hey, it's me, Madam Currie. Let's, let's do it on top of this stack of Nobel prizes that I won.

You and me, buddy. It isn't working radio activity. Now I'm going to do some work on radio activity. I don't know. Well, on that note, I- Ghosts, Full House, Alpaca, one of those three is sure to be taking right to money. Or all three. What about all three together? Yeah. Hey, Danny, I'm ha- yes, Joey, I'm enjoying having sex with you, but what's with this ghostly Alpaca? This, this, this spectral tiny llama. What's his deal? I, if you could just shore, shore him and make me a coat from his ghost fur, I bet we could fetch a high price. Oh, you're always thinking about money when we're trying to make love. What do you think about the name? Classic Jelly. Spectre Smut. What do you

think about that? I like it. Just for sight name. I like it. You'd, you'd have to buy it from that 70s funk band, but I think that would be okay. How do you feel about the name Full House Fuller Buttholes? I like it a lot. So I think it's time. How about, how do you feel about the name? You can call me Alpaca Pornography, but you put like the emphasis on the owl. I think you can get that URL for sure. Yeah, we can go daddy it. No, we can't. How did that guy fuck up that bag? Hey dog, you did a really bad dog. Hey dog, you owned the internet basically. Like anytime you was like, I need a website, there's like one dude in the game, or maybe there is, there are more dudes, but in their minds is like, Oh, this one dude's got this whole game on lockdown. And the

only thing you have to do to keep the internet on lockdown was not shoot an elephant. The only thing you had to do was not shoot an elephant. You could even shoot an elephant as long as you don't video it and put it on YouTube. You silly bitch, you had the internet. Do that in your secret time. Don't tell people about it. I like to shoot things I shouldn't do, but I don't go around squawking. Yeah, I'm sure Facebook like organizes his own, his own like bump fight rings. Yeah, but, but god damn, he's got the common sense not to put it on the YouTube. Don't shoot elephants, everybody. That's what happens. Do people like elephants? Yeah, dude, like everybody likes elephants, I think everybody loves elephants and Raymond. Hey Griffin, I, I, uh, if you want to see elephants,

you got to take a journey. Oh man, this is a trip. All right, I can already tell this is not your best, but, uh, I'm not in the mood to see elephants, so I don't take a trip to the muddies. I just want a touch of a touch of class. You thought I'd do it again? There was something more insightful. Guys, this is a special mummy's own trip. Oh good. It's our first personal message. It's from, uh, it's from listener Tony Zito. Uh, and Tony Zito, uh, wants to thank his lovely friend whose name is Grace, because Grace is looking after his cat for six weeks while Tony Zito is in Tibet. I don't know what he's doing. I'm assuming he's in Tibet just partying. Or freeing him. Freeing him and bringing Dunkaroos back into style.

Um, and Grace is doing this shit for free. Have you guys ever taken care of a cat before? No. It's hard, hard work. It's like the hardest work. Um, so he provided us with funds and we are shouting her out. Um, Travis, why don't you say something nice about Grace? Um, well, she sounds really great. Um, oh god. And I trust her not to kill that cat. You fucking dumb shit. It's right there on the sheet. Okay. Here she is obviously the sweetest and a great friend. Well, if you're going to be shitty about it, god damn it. I think we need to hire her to watch you for a week.

Well, I'm sure that I'm sure that Tony's cat Probella, um, is, is super grateful. Yeah. Gryffin's a lot like Grace because he's going to have to clean up your ship for a month. Hey, do you guys know, um, were these crazy kids Matt? No, Tommy, the maximum fantastic convention, which is shortened to max fun con. I did not know that. That's not true, but they met there. If you guys want to meet some friends, you're going to have to wait till next year because I'm pretty sure it's all sold out. But man, that joint is going to be a party. I bet it's going to be blown up.

Uh, she has a little bit of a TV addiction from what I hear. What do you think she's into right now? I don't know. He's got that sweet kid. She's probably, she's probably really into a show about cake. She used to be a lot of that these days. Cake wives. Cake wives. That's the wives of men who make cakes. Sister cake about cakes that her sister. I love you this cake. If you love this cake so much, why don't you marry it?

I already did. Sister cakes. I like cake hunters international because they go all over the country and look for the greatest cake. Have you guys ever watched river cake monsters? Hey, you know what? I like dirty cakes with micro. Yeah. Get this. This cake has a tire on it. Why did you, why did you leave my cake in a sewage treatment plant? This cake is ruined. It's ruined.

So, um, she has her own business, cleaning houses and taking care of babies. What's it called? Give me a name or give her a name. What? For a business. Babes and suds. Babes and suds. It's probably. Baby with the bath water. Baby and bath water. Bath water. Yes. You nailed it.

So thank you to Grace. Thank you, Grace. Thank you, Tony. You guys are going to be best friends forever. For life. For life. And if you ever split up, don't tell us about it. Well, like breakup, like friend breakup. Yeah. Friend breakup.

Okay. Oh, maybe that'll happen. If Purbella say, um, goes on a trip to heaven. To a farm with a lot of other kiddies. That's not funny. Don't joke about a man's cat, all right? Okay. I won't. Purbella is fucking dead. What's up? But listen, we don't just do personal messages on the show. We like this. We like businesses too.

I prefer business actually. I actually prefer, but Grace, you're great, but you're not a business. I have a heart for industry. My mom always said. We're tycoons of business. Robber barons. We're carpet baggers of the business industry. Cool. So is there a business route? I don't know. I just want to keep going.

You think there's, is there any certain business or just like we celebrate the idea of corporate? Well, let me, let me pitch, let me pitch to you this. Okay. Hit me. Have you ever wished that you lived, we'll say a decade in the future? Ten whole years in the future where business is no more to dystopian, dystopian wasteland, business free. Okay. No, I never wish that. Can it be like a, um, one of those futures where like businesses run the whole show?

Okay. So not dystopian. It's fully topium. I'm the last free man though. Like I'm the last like non-corporate man. When everyone else is branded with the sigils of industry. Yeah. Justin is free. I'm on the run. Justin's on the run in the desert.

I need flexibility. I need, uh, something flattering. Yes. Where? Yeah. You need, obviously this is a ballsy move. So you need something that is really going to showcase your whole dick to, to the people, to the business tycoons.

It's going to make your dick so aerodynamic. It's not even funny. Your dick will seem like it's been fletched by an aeromaker. For maximum. The finest aeromaker. My dick has been fletched by the finest aeromaker and now it sails through the wind. Thank you, Rootsuit. This, this, this innovation is called a Rootsuit.

Um, and, uh, I don't think we can describe it with our voices. You, this is a Rootsuit is really something you need to Google. And you will Google it and you will say it does look like his dick's been fletched. Or vagina. Since these are, these are, um, these are high quality suits for ladies and men. What are they Griffin? What are they? All right.

They're, they're very futuristic. First off, just off the bat, um, they are flatteringly. They fit flatteringly on your frame. Um, they hug. It's like wearing a suit that's hugging you the entire time. What is the purpose of this? Why would I wear this suit? Um, to look futuristic.

Okay. And the, the details that were provided, it says it's great for Harry Potter fans. Oh yeah. I don't understand that. Don't recall. Is it maybe for like sporting events? Like I'd wear a multicolored Rootsuit and, uh, and I root for the home team. It could be that.

I think you're making a statement, you know, with a Rootsuit in this economy. I think that the greatest thing about it, it is 100% American. Not one of those foreign Rootsuits you hear about. They are based in New Orleans. 100% American made. Do you know what it is? If you want to look like Pepsi Man, and I do all the time, then this shit will make you look like Pepsi Man.

It's a good look. It's a cool look. If you go to rootsuit.com forward slash mb, mb a.m. You can get a special discount to 15 bucks off. That's ridiculous. And if you go to their front page, you can get a Rootsuit for a buck. Listen, there are so many applications for a Rootsuit. Sports, interpretive dance.

Scare in the fuck out of your kids. Scare. Oh my God. These things are kind of fucking scary. But just because you can't see their face, if you, if you're super heroic, obviously. Oh God. Yes. If you want to recreate the putties for Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

There you go. And who does it? So they want to be able to like their Facebook page. If you're too broke for Spanx. Yeah. It's like full body Spanx. These are full body Spanx. Oh man.

You know what's, I need to tone down my neck. If I could just like Spanx my neck down a little bit. Rootsuit it. Rootsuit it. So go to rootsuit.com forward slash mb a.m. Get a discount. Get that discount. Go like the Facebook page.

You're going to love the way you all look. We all know that everybody's googling Rootsuit right now. Because they want to know what it looks like. And I think everybody's going to be pretty pleased with the outcome of their Google. I think you're going to like what you see. And if you want to, if you want to use your Rootsuit to show your fandom of, of mb mb a.m. Let's pick a color. What color should it be to support my brother?

Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. Right. Yellow. Yeah. You want people to look like a PV person? Mm hmm.

And then a right mustard across your chest. Yes. Yes. I would appreciate that. At least as long as it's condiment themed or condom themed. And you're going to like what you see when you Google Rootsuit. If you get a yellow Rootsuit, a red Rootsuit, and like a green Rootsuit and do like mustard ketchup and relish, you'll be like the coolest fucking people at the ball game.

But people are going to know that that's my BIM BAM. Like we're not, we're not here. We're just really into toppings. Yeah. Hi, we're the condiment brothers. But we'll know us. We'll know. Griffin.

Oh my god, I have to do a jingle. Yeah. And I need you to do a jingle about Tony Zito's friend Grace and Rootsuits. Oh, well, that should be easy to portmanteau. Let me just portmanteau that together. Thank you. Oh my god. I really forgot.

No pre-pro. No pre-pro on this one. All right. That's my chord progression. All the best songs start out with the singer saying that's my chord progression. Stay away when the pushers come to shove Rootsuit riot. Rootsuit riot. Grace.

Grace, it's time to feed the cat. Throw back a bottle of beer. Pull a cone through that cat's black hair. Rootsuit riot. Yeah. Rootsuit riot. Rootsuit riot. Nope.

I loved it. That's rootsuit.com. Travis hit me with a new question. Rootsuit riot. I think if I touch the minor. You're done. You're out. Travis, next.

I'm a young college student and I'm having some issues with my wardrobe. You've seen I really like dress shirts because I feel like they make me look classier even on a bad day. So I tend to wear them a lot. I just have a nice shiny silver watch that I wear to try to class myself up as well. The issue is that because we are in college, a lot of my friends don't feel like putting in the effort to avoid looking sloppy unless they're going out. And when I'm hanging out with them, I feel awkward and overdressed.

Is there a way to beat this feeling without having to hang up the dress shirts for good? Or do I just have to surrender to the slob and stop giving a shit? Hopefully handsome Hawkeye. Oh, I don't think I think you should always look as classy as you possibly can. I completely agree. No one. Do you guys know that every time we record this show, I'm wearing sleep pants and I'm wearing a t-shirt, but I'm also wearing a boutonniere.

That's fancy. I like that. That's a classy touch. I'm wearing a cummerbund and nothing else. I am also wearing a cummerbund and that's where I keep the boutonniere pin. I think that, you know, I've never, I think if you've got to be one of them, you've got to be overdressed or underdressed. You always want to be overdressed.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. You always want to be the classiest guy in the place. Because you can flip that around. It's when he's like, Hey, what's up? Fancy pants from a game? And you'd be like, Yeah, I look nice. Like, look, you're nice.

And I feel nice about the way I look. Yeah, I look nice. You know what, I don't. I don't think I've ever felt too under too overdressed to go somewhere, but I've definitely felt too underdressed. Like when I've just finished like building a set and I'm covered in paint and dirt and everything, I'm not going out somewhere classy like that. But man, it always feels nice to get dressed up.

Like, I did one time wear khakis to a comic book convention to Mid-Ohio Con. And I got, I actually got some shit from people there because I did you. Yeah. Well, that's because khakis are like the worst clothing ever. Yeah. I was young. I didn't know. Yeah, I know.

I have, I have a certain amount of vehemence towards khakis. I hate them. Because you've got to learn for work. Well, that and like khakis say, Hey, I want to get dressed up, but without all the hassle of getting dressed up. Like it's just such a slobby commitment to getting dressed up. Just put on some dress pants and commit to it. So you're saying khakis are like fancy ugly jeans, basically.

Yes. Fancy ugly sweatpants. Yes. That's exactly because they're supposed to be fancy, but everybody knows they're actually totally cash. Yep. Fuck khakis. That's our new motto.

Fuck khakis. Fuck khakis. You also get the benefit of, uh, you get the benefit with, with addressing too classy. It's a lot easier to unclass an outfit, you know, untuck the shirt, undo a button. It's a lot easier to do that than it is to like tuck in your t-shirt and straighten your collar on that you don't have.

That's a, yeah, I was going to say that's a fucked up t-shirt. Yeah. Great gross t-shirt. Is that the new style? I guess. I can't keep up. I think that from what I remember of college, God knows, um, I never understood the idea of like rolling out a bed

and rolling up to class and like pajama pants and your scusy t-shirt and shit. Like, I don't get it. It seems like you're putting so much effort into looking like you didn't put any effort into your outfit. Like, I just don't get it. Like, I don't get, hey, we're young, attractive people, so let's make ourselves look like shit. Like, just put in a little effort, clean yourselves up.

Yeah, you're in your sexual pride. Yeah, yeah. Get some partners going. Don't waste it on that. Take those sweatpants off. Take off those fucking khakis and get yourself some partners. Get yourself some partners. You're in your sexual prime.

Dress to impress. You're good to go. Dress to undress. Dress to undress. Yes. That's magical, Travis. You go get that on a t-shirt. Sorry about that.

Not a t-shirt. Or a dress shirt. Or a dress shirt. Get an airbrush dress shirt. Do you guys, do you guys want a yahoo? Yes, please. Yeah, give me a yahoo. Too bad.

You don't get one. What? Instead, guys, you know what we did? We tore another page off of our Gregorian, our Gregory Heinz calendar. We tore it right off and we threw it away. And now it says UbReal. Ah, shit.

It's time for a new monthly observance. God damn it. I did not put in the pre-pro required to choose one. So we're going to have to do it like we did it last month. Oh, good. That was much better, I thought. I'm just going to name off some shit. And when you think we've struck gold,

then we'll just dig right into that thing. It's like pre-pro during, it's like during pro. It's Ker-pro. Ker-pro. Atlanta Food and Wine Month. No. I don't know why Atlanta's getting its own shit. Brussels Sprouts and Cabbage Month.

Cranberries and Gooseberries was. There it is. That's pretty funny. I didn't know. That's really good. I didn't know Gooseberries was the, was the natural thing. Yeah. Go Fig here.

Go Fig. Emotional overeating awareness month. It makes you really disgusted when people overeat. Is that an emotion? Does that count? I'm repulsed by you, Becky. Grilled cheese month. What's her to say?

Who doesn't, who doesn't love grilled cheese yet? It is, it is Grange Month. But I don't know if that means it's Love Grange Month. Because I can fucking totally. Oh, wow, wow, wow. It's Grange Month. Hey. That's good.

Thank you. I'm at the top right here. I wish I could stop you though. That's the difference. No, just keep going. Keep going. Well, just the rest of the podcast is going to be Travis singing Grange.

And I'll do the guitar part. Holy Humor Month. What? I think Holy Humor Month is our best one so far. There's also home improvement time. Because it's not. I still have improvement time. Not exclusively a month.

It's just the time of home improvement. It's an entire month to appreciate the comedy of Tim Allen. Have you ever wondered what Jonathan Taylor Thomas is doing these days? It doesn't matter. All of her improvements on DVD. Just go get it. Month of the Young Child.

National Decorating Month. That seems awfully. Can I say something about Tim Allen? I don't care for the man's comedy. All right. Let's just, hold on. Let's stop. Let's just do home improvement time.

Okay. Okay. I'm going to say something about Tim Allen. This is a public service message from your friends and my brother will murder me. Okay. I don't enjoy the man's comedy myself. But do you realize what kind of a salesman you have to be

to walk into studio execs offices and say, I'm going to make a show about, I'm going to make a show about a guy who hosts a home improvement show and he has a fat bearded friend and a man that lives in a fence. Can I have a million dollars? Let's run this for 12 seasons. I want to run this for,

it's going to run for 12 years. It's about a man in a fence. When you say man in a fence, he sounds like some sort of fable. Hi. My name is Wilson. I'm a fable. I'm your neighbor.

Here's some wisdom. He did grant wishes. Everybody on that show, they, I think they all like sort of simultaneously realized they weren't going to do any better work and then just kind of, they just kind of fell off. Right?

Do you know how many executive producers that show had? I bet you're going to tell me. Nine. That just seems. So here's the public service message. Okay. Okay. I feel like your life is directionless.

They probably need someone to executive produce some improvement. Why don't go over there, put it in an app. Brother, my brother, right? That show's been off the, the air like 13 whole years. But they're still making it. Well, what are these guys doing?

I mean, they're still making it. It's just not being really. They're still making it. We still make home improvement. You might not see it. It was part of that. You know how we have a strategic oil reserve? We have strategic reserve home improvement episodes.

The price of home improvement is so high. We have got to bring it down. Somebody send out some VHSs. Well, ever since the, the war in Libya started and Muammar Gaddafi started like hoarding his home improvement, like we've had to start slowly releasing our home improvement to keep the costs down.

Hey, we don't, guess what, Mr. President, we don't approve of trading young soldiers' blood for episodes of home improvement. Yeah. That is not acceptable. Do you know how we're going to fix that situation in Libya though? For real?

Do you know how we're going to, how we're going to fix it? How we're going to air it out? How Griffin? Wait, I have a guess. How? More power. Yes!

Here's, here, let's do some actual PSAs. Hey, hey, well, that's not PSAs. Don't start with, hey, they're really that conversation. We'll do it anyway. Hey, if you see Zachary Tye Bryan on the street, why don't you give him a buck or two? He could really use the help.

My brother, my brother, me. I know it seems like a good idea at the time, but don't put a V8 engine in a dishwasher. It only leads to pain. My brother, my brother, and me. My brother, my brother, and me. Richard Karn is swag as fuck. My brother, my brother, and me.

Dude, don't let Richard Karn turn into the next Ray Combs. Tell him I'm about to appreciate him today. My brother, my brother, and me. Have you hugged a Richard Karn today? Can't find your keys? Check Richard Karn's beard. My brother, my brother. Did you put my keys up there again, Dick Karn?

I put my keys in Dick Karn's beard in 1994. They were never seen again. That's where we keep the reserves. That'd be a good thing to shout after a touchdown. It's just Richard Karn's game. Karn? I want to hear Griffin's last question, but first, Travis is going to tell you about some of our housekeeping items.

Well, thank you, Justin. So coming up, I think most of you know by this point, I hope that we have a live show coming up in Chicago. You can go to maximumfund.org for ticket information and stuff like that. So if there's still tickets available, you should go ahead and buy them. That's the worst pitch ever. What else are you doing on April 17th? It's going to be us.

It's going to be JJ Goh at Second City. It's going to be fucking killer. It's going to be the best night ever. You're going to... This party is going to be so fun, you will die. Dan Telfer's going to be there? Dan Telfer's going to be there. So goddamn funny.

Go buy a ticket, dummy. It's $12 and it's my birthday. Come see Griffin for his birthday. Come see me on my birthday. We're going to go out afterwards. I'm going to die on drinks. My dad's going to be there. We're going to hang out.

Okay, chill. It's going to be me. It's going to be Justin. It's going to be Travis. Dan Telfer, Jordan, Jesse, and my dad. And we're all hanging. Where are you? You're not there because you didn't pay $12 for a ticket.

Because you're a dummy. Cheap, though. You're a dummy. All right, that was good. And you hate where it is. That was a good pitch. If you're going to be there, you want a question answered. Email us.

We want you to email us a question. If you're going to be at the Chicago show. Put some of the subject like Chicago live question or something. So we know what it is. Because we... And then we'll humiliate you. We will savage you. Yeah, but it'll be a good time.

Keep that in mind. It'll be fun. This is my birthday. My dad will be there. Also, if you're interested in becoming a citizen of the Money Zone, getting your Money Zone green card with Gerard Depardieu, then you're going to want to contact Teresa Thorn. And that's Teresa at maxfun.org.

And that's Teresa with an H. And she'll give you all the pricing info and availability and stuff like that. And just let her know. And you guys should... Toads hook that up. Toads. What? You should like totally hook that up.

You know what I'm saying? If you do this, you get a free tote bag. No, that's not true. That's not true. Not at all. You get a Toads umbrella. What if I want to talk about how uncomfortable it made me that you just said Toads hook it up?

Where should I go to do that? Then you should go to the forums on maximumfun.org and talk about this episode and other episodes from other maxfun shows and stuff like that. Or just use it to connect with people and hang out and build a community and stuff. I'm not very good at these. I love it.

I'm so tired of these. Just finish it up. Just finish it up. Finish. Like pulling off a band-aid. Also, we're on Twitter. We're on Twitter at mbmbam if you want to send us a message. But we prefer that you use hashtag mbmbam

for any message that is about the show. Quotes from the show, anything like that. Let us know if you're going to be at the live show. It's exciting to find out people are excited about it. We're also all individually on there, but we're not as funny, separate. We're like Voltron. I don't know about that.

No? Well, I get drunk and solicit Yahoo answers eight times in a single night. I think that's pretty fucking funny. That's follow worthy, I'd say. I'd say that's very followable. Some people have been hooking us up with shout outs on Twitter this week,

like green cardigan five converted a friend. That's my chunks. Our buddy Fred says episode 15 is the best starter for a new fan. Michelle Mittens is just the best always. 100% of the time. Sean MD listens to eight episodes in a row. He's a doctor.

He's a physician. That's a terrible. He listened to eight episodes. He shouldn't be qualified to touch people after two. I got a prescription. Slow down. Yeah, you got a problem. Yeah, I got to diagnose you with a total case of yucks.

Guys, are we trending? It's hard to say. How can you how can you monitor that? I think there's probably an app. These are the things that are trending right now. Okay, are we any of these things? Let's see. Are we hashtag things that piss me off?

Hashtag since we being honest. Okay, okay. Hashtag whiz follow me. Jonas are much better. Oh my god. Lovato World Tour 2011. That's us. That's actually us.

That's the name of our live show. Jonas are much better. Here's the top tweet on that one. Jonas are much better because they taught me that there's more to life than just to live. That instead of just hoping I need to start trying. Thanks show bros. Thanks for the message.

The show bros changed me. All right, Griffin in this show. This final question, which by the way guys, thanks for sticking around. This is a weird app and you made it to the end. We'll never do another one like this again unless Justin's pussy immune system is fragile, tiny. Listen to him little pussy baby.

Thank you. Thank you. I tried my best. You did good. We're all very proud of you. It's not your fault. It's your larynx. It's by this one was sent in by James Ousts.

Thank you, James. See how who answers user. Black Justin Bieber bitches. Okay. Yeah, that name really comes right at you. Says basketball colon. What is verified swag? And where can I purchase it?

I'm Justin. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin. Verified swag. It's about my brother. My brother being kiss your dad. School out of the lips. Keep your heart three stacks.

Keep your heart. Hey, keep your heart three stacks. Keep your heart. Man, these girls are smart. Three stacks, these girls are smart. Play your part.