My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me: Episode 09

Episode Date: June 14, 2010

Though forces of nature attempted to tear us apart, the brothers McElroy managed to carve 45 minutes out of our busy week to answer your queries. Sure, it resulted in one of our more unconventional episodes, but that's not to say it's "bad." Okay, the 22-minute freestyle verbal jazz segment was weird and unnecessary, but we think it works pretty well in context. Suggested talking points: Uncle David's banjo, Mr. Stinky Booty/True Survivor, body shapes, strip joint follies, Dakota Memorial Mobile Spray Tanning Station, Swoopin' Osama, sexy clowns

If you change your mind, on the first in line, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you got your place to go when you're feeling down. If you're all alone, where the pretty birds have gone, Oh friends, dear, dear friends, we're here again, gathered around the internet to talk about life. It's my brother, my brother, me, in BNBAM, the Mamba. I am Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. Who's everyone rooting for in the 2010 World Cup? Honduras. Really? Yeah. I'm rooting for America. Yeah, that's the correct answer. Thank you, Travis. Okay. If I don't think it matters, I've been loosely following it through everyone's tweets and Facebook and friends through updates, and it sounds like every game is just tying.

So I don't know. The score for the World Cup is four to four. What I've decided is not to root for anyone, because if I make a choice, I am rooting for soccer, and that goes against everything I believe in. So if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. This is an advice for the modern era. We take your questions. We answer them. If you want to learn how to get your question answered by us, stay tuned at the end of the show.

We will provide that information. Our first question comes to us from Mike. He writes from Gmail. He says, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Oh, Mike, that sounds bad. I'm in Columbus, Ohio, where our annual community festival, or ComFest, is held every year on the last week of June. I look forward to ComFest every year, and it's usually the highlight of my summer. Unfortunately, this year, my family is planning a family reunion in Kentucky during the ComFest weekend.

I'm thinking of skipping the reunion in favor of ComFest at risk of disappointing my mom's. Do I fake sick? Should I just suck it up and go to the reunion? Oh, Mikey. Dude, you can't skip. You can't skip ComFest. Did you guys see the ComFest lineup this year? Who they got?

Who's blowing it up? Oh, my God. On the main stage. They got Black Diamond. They're on two. They've got Major Lazer. Okay. Girl Talk.

It's basically, they're replicating. Are you making this up? They're replicating the Burning Man 2007 lineup. That was the best one. That was totally the best one. ComFest looks bomb this year. That's what we're saying. What's the lineup at the family reunion?

Lineup at the family reunion is Uncle David. That's pretty much it. It's just Uncle David and his banjo. No, fuck that. Go to ComFest, dude. I mean, your Uncle David's a competent banjo player, but you really can't, he's no Major Lazer. You'll be surprised at how quickly you'll forget about a bad family reunion. But if something crazy goes down at ComFest.

Have you thought about maybe merging the two events and inviting your family to ComFest? Why don't you reunite? Uncle David's rolling on Molly over in the cool-down tent. There's one important part here that we're forgetting, disappointing his mom. Which makes me think it's not really your decision, Mike. You might feel like it is, but it's not. This has already been made for you, Mike. Have you considered kidnapping yourself?

Oh, shit. Where'd it might go? He was kidnapped to ComFest. I've always wanted to do that. Black Diamond took him with his music. If I had to live like I was dying, like Tim McGraw says, that would be the only thing I would do is pretend to have myself kidnapped. It's a good plan. No skydiving, no Rocky Mountain climbing.

Mike, have yourself kidnapped. Nationwide manhunt. It'll be a family reunion, but it'll be a family reunion based around praying for your swift release. Just make sure that Denzel Washington isn't your bodyguard. Or else he'll probably kill a lot of innocent people trying to find you. Oh, man. I gotta watch that movie. I wanna watch that right now.

I'm getting off the podcast. Alright, good show guys. An anonymous user on Formspring asks, I like my best guy friend, but I'm 95% sure he doesn't like me like that. What do I do? Well, I'm 95% sure you shouldn't do anything. You know, we get a lot of questions like that, and that is your boilerplate answer. Where is your romanticism, Travis? I think that love conquers all.

Love is all. But this is like saying, I really want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, but I'm 95% sure I'm allergic to peanuts. Well, that's a pretty hearty risk there to take. You know what I mean? Risks are made to be took. Plans are made to be broken. If you, if it is truly your best guy friend, then it's, you know, don't fuck that up. I mean, I am a romantic, but...

Swallow those feelings. Bottle them up. Yeah. If you're 95% sure, what has he done to you? That means he spends 95% of the time you guys spend together, giving you the distinct impression that he would not want to spend his life loving, laughing, living and learning with you. Sarah, I'm having such a great time hanging out, but I would never, ever date you. I would never want to convert this to anything romantic, Sarah. Don't try and transform this into romance.

You big, you big animal. But no, I just, I just want to know if you want to go to the snow cone place. Listen, don't make this about you. You should get a boyfriend. You should get a boyfriend that's not me. Because, oh, good. I wretched a little just even thinking about it. I just wretched a muchucks.

You are a great friend, but a disgusting person. Cow. I am sick when I look at you. I'm sick and I'm the last single guy in my circle of friends, not me. And this is form spring again. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that all their wives slash girlfriends profoundly dislike me. What can I do to cope with the awkward tension of any social gathering with my bros and their hoes? Don't.

Well, here's a suggestion. You want them to like you more. God, man, from the jump. Let me help you. Don't say hoes. And avoid that. Stop saying hoes and then pack your bags and move away. You're not wanted there.

Imagine this. We get one of the next question we get is like, I love all my friends and they have a great group of girlfriends. We're all really close. But every once in a while, this zilch comes around. None of us like, how do we awkwardly tell them to pack his bags and move away? This guy sounds like a real Dupree. Oh, and Wilson, what I love about the question is he doesn't say, what can I do to stop the awkward tension? He says, what can I do to cope with it?

I know it's going to be there. Ladies, I know this is weird. I get it. Let's write it out. I know I'm a terrible person and you hate me, but let's just deal with it. Yeah, who answers user Mr. Stinky Booty asks, do I even need to anymore? No, keep going. He asks, my mom won't let me have a gun yet and I want to hunt stuff.

Can I just use an axe or a machete? Yes, you can. Oh my God. Coolest kid ever. Okay, there's some problems to address. One is the ambiguity. I think it's the main problem. It's not that he, it's not the sport of hunting.

It's that he doesn't need to kill and he wants to kill stuff. Just whatever comes into his field of vision, he's going to kill it. I have to imagine that he's a younger person. By the way, I refreshed the page to see if any good answers had come up and he has changed his name in the interim from when I loaded the page to when I refreshed the page from Mr. Stinky Booty to True Survivor, which I think is pretty awesome. You also had a rough afternoon. I think if he is a child, I would say eight years old,

if you can manage to catch an animal in the wilderness and kill it with an axe, then I think he should be allowed to do that because it would be a real growing experience. Well, if he's eight, what kind of liberal mom is he got that's not letting him get a gun? His index finger is working just fine. He needs to kill stuff. He needs to kill, and when you need something, that's a responsibility. Take living, breathing creatures and turn them into a pile of organic material. Just start that degrading process.

Hey, VoteSizeWall wants to know on Twitter, he asked us, is it ever appropriate to ask out your cute barista? Rarely. If you can accept that you're the 20th person that day to do it. Yeah, cute barista is like begging for it. I think that there's something very safe about asking somebody who's in a service position. It's almost kind of creepy. They're already bringing you coffee, so maybe go off menu and ask them for their hand.

I think it's a little weird for me. I'll take a date with you. Can I get a grande dinner in a movie? That's pretty good. Here's the thing to keep in mind. She's getting paid to be nice to you, so it gets into a tricky kind of, is she really being nice to me? Is she doing her job kind of thing?

It's too precarious. I think it's too dangerous. I think we may have actually had this exact question in a prior episode. I think our answer then was, are you good looking? Yes. Are you a good looking dude? It's always appropriate. It's always okay.

If she asks you your name to put on the cup, say Mr. Stinky Booty, and then if she continues talking to you, she must really like you. Nine Micronyne? What? Yeah, you got it. Okay, Nine Micronyne from Twitter says, my friend Arthur has never been in a fight and always complains about it when he's intoxicated. Should I punch him in the face?

Oh shit, we got the best game for you, dude. You and your friend Arthur need to play lockjaw. Yeah. Lockjaw. Here's what you do. You go to Arthur. You guys have both been drinking. You put your fist six inches, this is important, from his face.

Then you say lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw like that, and say it three times to give him plenty of warning for what's going to happen. And then you pop him. You pop him in the jaw. Now here's the important thing to think about this game is you take turns. Right, you are going to get it back, so whatever you dole out, you will get back to you. I think Arthur's problem isn't that he's never been punched in the face, because I think everyone in some way has been punched in the face.

I think there's a difference between the controlled environment of lockjaw and just a primal, just a rage fight, like just a cathartic, uncontrolled punch festival that I think, I mean, I've never been in one. I got punched in the face one time when I was six years old by John Crider, because I cut in the four square line. Last hole. God, I know.

You were asking for it. I really was, and he was like seven feet tall, and he laid me right out. Why did a teacher punch you? No, he was an adult. He was a man child. I don't know. It was one of those jack deals, but I think you should probably punch your friend in his face. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

We took the long way around. No harm could possibly come from this. He won't be upset too, because then you can be like, hey, you asked him, you asked about it. I like it. Don't punch your friend in the face. What's the proper etiquette for the following situation, guys? Etiquette time. Okay, put your etiquette hats on.

Etiquette. I am walking one way, and a person passing me going the other way says something along the lines of, how are you doing? Am I supposed to tell them how I am doing? That involves too much conversation, plus then I feel required to ask them how they are. This can end up taking too much time. If I say nothing, then that is rude. Am I supposed to just say it back?

Oh, man. Here's my suggestion. Turn around and start walking beside them and just start talking. Well, I'm glad you asked. I've been having a rough day and just give them really personal details and teach them a lesson about being polite. I got this a lot in college. I'm sure everyone has. You got one of those faces.

I mean, I knew a lot of people at my college, but I wasn't friends with a lot of people at my college. I would be walking in the class and would pass somebody in the commons, as the kids say. They would give me a, hey, what's up? There's no way that you can answer that question. You have to measure out the distance between you two, and are you supposed to slow down, or do they really want to know what's up, or is that just their way of saying hi? This is so pathetic, and you're going to think I'm joking, but it's totally the truth. If I ever saw somebody in the distance walking my way that I thought I knew, totally, I would fake a phone call.

Oh. Oh, yeah, I can't. Sorry, I got, it's my... You know what? I would mock that, but I was about to say the most awkward thing is when you make eye contact from like 40 feet away, and then you have that entire 40 feet of walking at each other, where it's like, well, I've already acknowledged that I kind of know them, and now I get a long time to not remember who they are.

Oh, but now I got this phone call. I'm going to just look at the ground, because this conversation is so intense, I need to focus on my feet. Why don't you go with staring right in the eye, say, what do you care pervert, and then push him down a well? Or just say, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Because what I'm saying to you is, if you do that once, you will never have this problem again solved. They won't want to be your friend anymore. Solve for good. Also, what you can do is just repeat their question back at them.

They don't care. They don't care. What is up? How are you doing? How are you doing? How are you doing? Yahoo Answers user Aisha asks, what is my body shape? She expounds on that initial question saying, I'm finding it really hard to know what my body shape is.

I think I'm an hourglass, but then again, my measurements make me wonder if I am a spoon or even a rectangle. It's waist 31, hip 37, busts 37.5. Not that that matters. The comedy in this situation. Have you ever heard the term? Yeah, she's got this fine little spoon frame. Is it upside down spoon? She's got herself a real tight rectangular chassis.

She's got one of those figure 8's, you know what I'm talking? Yeah, real good. Little in the middle, but really good. Here's my question. Did she attach a picture? She's got a body like a pie symbol. The symbol for pie. She doesn't have a torso.

Just two wide legs. Just two wide legs, no torso. Is there a picture? No pics. That's a random question to ask without people being able to see you. She's got one of them. That's like asking the question, what color shirt am I wearing? That's something you would know better than me.

Yeah, to answer your question, you're shaped like a stupid person. Big stupid refrigerator. Big stupid refrigerator. Open up the door and get some out some pickles and you're stupid still. Some of my coworkers have asked me to go out on a night out. Okay, let me start again. Some of my coworkers, I'll edit that out in post. Some of my coworkers have asked me to go on a night out,

but they want to go to a strip joint during the night. Is there any way I can persuade them to do other stuff? Strip joints make me feel gross and pervy. Do you know why they make you feel gross and pervy? Because people you don't know come and put their privates near around and on you. It is gross and pervy. It is actually legitimately gross and pervy. There is nothing.

If you ever go to a strip joint and leave feeling classy and clean, then you were not at a strip joint, my friend. You were at a burlesque show, perhaps. You were at an eye hop. You had an auto zone and you embarrassed yourself. This is the weirdest strip joint ever, but these pancakes are delightful. Wow. Can I have some more cream?

What? Are you serious? Yeah, I used to. Here is the answer. You look them dead in the eyes and you tell them the stone truth. They are your coworkers and you get paid to be around them. Unless someone is going to check, you are going to go home to your family who you love. Yep.

That is what I say. What if the strip joint is this family? Did you think about that? The problem is the strippers are my real family. Yeah, that is gross and pervy, my man. That is why you are so grossed out because that is your Aunt Deborah. You also got to consider, if you work at a Hallmark store and your coworkers want to take you out to a strip joint, how awkward is it going to be once you have seen them in that environment?

Here is the correct answer. Once you have seen Pamela get all messed up during kegs and eggs and legs Thursday morning, you cannot look at her the same way ever again. Yep. Pamela, no. Here is what you need to do. Sue your business for sexual harassment. I have seen these videos.

That is a classic example of sexual harassment. Get paid, son. You know what you do with that money? Go to a strip joint. Make it rain. To convince them to do something, to get out of this, all you need to do is when your coworker asks, sit on their lap and say, I can just get it started right now. Do I go to the strip club?

I can bring the strip club to you. Any place I go is a strip club. Look at this zipper. It is halfway down just through the sentence. All my clothes are tear away. I am going to demonstrate, but they are not tear away. See this suit? It is a nice suit, right?

Watch this. RIP. I use the bus a lot. I thought I could use that time to practice my less than stellar social skills. How can I start a conversation with people without coming off as either creepy or annoying? I'd love to meet some new people to hang out with. Yeah, this is a toughie. This is something that I have a lot of problems with sometimes.

Seeing a stranger where you don't have a good opening, you might as well start a conversation. This is where the classics and boring, how about this weather plays in? This is why people talk about the weather. It is always above you unless you are a spaceman and then you are just fucked. I actually have a trick that I coined a phrase for. It is beautifully awkward. It is always going to be awkward. So acknowledge that.

I went to a show the other day and there was this girl that was in the show that came out afterwards. I am pretty sure I met her. I looked at her and said, I don't know your name. I think I met you, but I don't know your name. I was just right out there and honest about it. We got into a conversation about how we couldn't remember each other. So you just confront the awkwardness full on. Full on. That is the Travis impression.

If you are on the bus, just be like, hey, I know it is creepy, but I just wanted to say I really like your shoes. Or something like that where you say, hey, I didn't want to interrupt you. I didn't want to bother you, but that is a great jacket. What if you try and pull that game though? I think your face is familiar and I think that I know, but I don't know how we are acquainted. And then it's like, I'm, I am your aunt. I'm your aunt. Well, that's just a serious problem.

You're putting singles into my g-stress and this is awkward. You, you, what I normally end up doing, I had to do a lot of this when I was working at the newspaper. I had to do a lot of, you know, man on the street interviews, stuff like that. Like Justin McRoy, the Justin McRoy you know and with any luck, love. Internet got about media personality, cause celeb, not cause celeb. I do have many cause celebs that I care about, whales and things. I don't go up to people, but I can pretend to be a person, the sort of person that goes up to people. You know, like in my mind, just decide that you're that kind of person.

That's not really you, but they don't know you. So they don't know shit. They don't know anything about how awkward you are. So you just trick them and pretend you're not an awkward person. Or put in those, those ear buds. Yeah, keep your eyes closed. Well, here's the beautiful thing about the buzz and any kind of situation like that. You're only going to have to deal with that awkwardness for like five minutes.

You know what I mean? It's a perfect time to practice doing that. Yeah, you got an exit plan. Yeah. Do it. If it fails, then you're quiet for the rest of the time. I can't meet people though. You can't meet people.

I can't meet people. I'm moving to Chicago soon. I'm going to be riding a lot of buses and I don't know how I'll be able to have the focus required to meet people when I know that I'm in an airtight tube that's full of pathogens and maybe terrorists. You need a starter that you can always bring with you. A baby is good. Yeah, a dog. Or you can get a dog is good. Or you can get one of those giant pinwheel lollipops.

Just like in the in the bus, just go to town on it. And then when they they're going to look because you're being so loud with the slurping and looking and when they look, just be like, you want to get down on this? And that's a great. There's enough to get down on this sucker with me. These right here. These are moon shoes. I want to get to know you. Always carry skis with you.

Bouncer. Yeah, I'm off to ski. I'm going out to skiing. I'm going to skiing mountain. Yahoo Answers user Dakota's mommy asks, help me name my mobile spray tanning business. Any suggestions to be appreciated? It is a spray tan business where I travel to your home. Please let me know what name you like the best.

Caribbean tan to go. Caribbean tan to you. Tropical tan to you. Tropical tan to go. Beach tan to go. Beach tan to you. Tropic tan to go. Tropic tan to you.

When I read this, I didn't read it very well, I guess. And I just read the words mobile spray tanning business and I thought of like a food truck. It would see people on the street and just like pull over and be like, hey, just hop in this bus with really tinted windows and take all of your clothes off and I'm going to spray you with oils and you're going to be darker when you get out of it. That's basically just like a mobile rape den. But I guess if it comes to your home. I think the important part about naming any business is looking to the future, seeing how your business is going to grow and change and kind of trying to anticipate that. So I recommend bankruptcy. How about, how about casing the joint?

Let me in your house and I'll spray you with stuff. Dark, dark, dark, dark skin spray. Here it comes. Dark so's. Dark. Van and tan. This isn't, I don't think that we have a good one for her. I really don't want to give up on Dakota's mommy because she's had a hard year and I think she could use any assistance we could afford her.

How about you call it the Dakota Memorial Spray tanning mobile station and then people say, oh, I'm so sorry, did your daughter die? And you look them straight in the eye and say someday and then see if they still want to spray tan. I bet you they will want to look youthful and full of life and vigor more than they ever have before. And you will be able to really get them on the, get them on the add ons, like the complimentary fake teeth. How about the best name? Oh, spray tan, spray tan for shut ins. Because they can't get, they can't get their, their, the UV rays, the vitamin D that you really need to get a good base going. So I think that maybe you should just put your target audience right in the name.

I say, uh, name it all over tan, which has a double, uh, a euphemism there, a double entendre where one, you're all over the city. You're traveling, but also that awkward moment where they have to get naked in front of you. So just all over tan. That's copy. Hey guys. Oh yeah. Sorry. Um, hi gentlemen.

I live in Connecticut and I just started dating a guy in NYC. I'm gay by the way. Ew. Come on. Come on. We're all singing. We get along great and I think this has some real potential. Okay.

Congratulations. Okay. The only mismatch is that he likes to go out all the time and I'm more of a homebody. How can I make this work? Wow. I have that exact, uh, I have had that exact same problem in my relationship. I feel like we've kind of dealt with it. You dated a dude in New York city?

Yep. No, Griffin. I've, I've, I've been a homebody. I am someone who likes to stay at home. Um, I don't like to go out and Sydney, especially when we were, you know, still in college, um, she liked to go out a lot. And what's hard is that if for all the things in relationships where like you want to be with somebody that you click with, um, uh, inevitably there's going to be something

that is just, it's endemic to who you are and it's not going to change. And it's not complimentary with your partner. I see that man or woman. It's just, you're going to find things like that in the relationship. And the best thing to do is not to hope that it gets better. The best thing to do is to confront it like grownups and say, I, I, you know, I feel differently than you do, but let's make it, let's work it out. Let's go out three nights a week and stay in three nights a week.

You're going to have to give and, and he's going to have. And the good news is that it's perfect. I think that that is the perfect setup because if you both wanted to go out all the time, that would get old. And if you were both homebodies and wanted to stay home all the time, that would get old. This way you can kind of split the difference and it's, it's a better match than you think because if you were both, you know, one or the other, it gets really old. I'm, I'm kind of in a similar situation, but roles reversed where I like to go out

and Teresa likes to stay home. And so, you know, there's nights when she's not feeling it. And I'm like, all right, great. We'll stay home and we'll watch Avatar and hang out. And, and then there's nights where I really want to go out and she's like, all right, let's go. And it's a compromise kind of situation. I go out and stay home on my own damn schedule.

All right. And sad. And this has been the lonely heart corner with Gryffind. It's a regular feature on the show. Go to sleep earlier, you dummy. Less lonely times. So here's the deal. Let me give it to you straight.

Back in February, I met a girl who's with the Marine Corps. At that time, I was in the process of joining, but hadn't yet. You guys know that I know it's pronounced core right now. I don't think they appreciate it when you actually say the words. Do they not? Okay. In conjunction with each other, Marine Corps. Yeah, together they weren't, I didn't, I didn't map it out.

I needed to, to, to think about that a little bit more. Thank you for your service. We became friends and I started liking her. Now I've sworn into the USMC and it turns out she likes me. But if we get into a relationship, it could technically be considered fraternization. What should I do, Tristan? That's some hot, that's some hot shit. Man, this sounds like a Richard Gehr movie.

Yeah. I love it. Sounds like it. I don't know. This is scintillating. Daniel Steel, like. Yeah. Court Marshall at the heart.

Heartbreak on the waves. An officer and an officer. Of differing genders. Yeah. Important to know. Yeah. Not there's anything wrong with that, especially love on the high seas. You find out where you can get it, right?

Did you join the USMC to, to be closer? Because if so, you did not plan this shit out, my man. Oh, I'll say this. This is, this is friend of the show, Tristan. He is dedicated to serving our country. I've been talking to him for a while now about his dedication to the country. Thanks again, Tristan. Doing a bang up job of it.

You're doing great. Yeah. Go ahead. Hey, how about this? How about this Tristan? We're a war. How about, how about you put your mind on your duty? No, no.

To protect me and my freedom. Dude. Listen, Tristan is doing something that the three of us could never do. I have a busy schedule and I need people to protect me day in and day out. And Tristan is thinking about swooping poon. I need to be thinking about swooping Osama and getting him in the tunnels and go get him. But with that constant. He might be on the water.

That's why we haven't found him. With that constant, beautiful reminder of, of swoopable poon right next to him as he's fighting side by side against Osama's evil forces, against the axis of evil. He's going to fight that much harder because he knows he has something to protect. And so will she. I'm just saying that if anyone's going to take down Osama, it's going to be Tristan or his girlfriend is old. And by which I mean, anyone?

Personally, Tristan will be the one and that will make the end of that movie so much better. Tristan's going to take him down. His girlfriend's going to hold the camera up while he is like hog tying him. He's going to make Osama bin Laden say, my brother, my brother and me is the best podcast. What if you only have time though? Like what if he's put into like the classic Batman situation? Oh God. You know where it's like.

He has to either save our podcast or his girlfriend. If you go this way, you can capture Osama and give him to promote my brother, my brother and me. If you go the other way, you'll save your girlfriend. What do you do? I didn't think about it like that. I trust Tristan to figure out the correct choice. Yeah, I think we, which is I think you throw the girlfriend at Osama.

Yeah. And then you shoot him. You shoot Osama and it's like you take it, but you wing him, right? You take him in, you're a hero and who cares who you fraternize with? This is the solution. Catch Osama and you can fraternize with whoever the fuck you want. I love it. You're a national hero.

I already think he's a national hero. I think you just go ahead and do whatever you want Tristan. Ain't no law again. Except for the laws that are definitely against it. I will grant you regional hero at this point, but not like a national, like global hero except to people who hate our country. It's my hero. P-Dunk.

Not a good start, but keep going. Hey guys, is it wrong to be in a long-term relationship with a girl even though you know it's not going to be a happily ever after kind of thing? And if so, how long is too long? P-Dunk, why are you wasting your time? Yeah. Why are you wasting her time? Yeah, boo, yeah.

Does she know? Yeah, that's the thing. I think that might be step one and then maybe we can plan out a future after that. Let me give you that future, living alone. No, you guys are living in the future. P-Dunk, you got to live in the present. If you're having a good time with her, even though you know that it's, you know, she ain't marriage material, or maybe you're not.

That doesn't make any sense. But the problem Griffin is long-term relationship. It's one thing to go on a couple dates with a girl knowing it's not going to work out. It's another to be with a girl for like a year and a half, but sitting there thinking, well, this is going to end in February. Like, we've talked about this before. Once you make that decision that this isn't going anywhere, you're never coming back from that.

And you could miss, he could miss out on like the special somebody of his life because he's dating this spoon shaped Barbie. P-Dunk, I'm going to be just brutally honest here. I would call that that behavior selfish because it's saying, I don't want to be alone right now and then I'll keep my options open if something else comes along. So should we break up with P-Dunk's girlfriend for him right now on the show? Oh, God, Gar, first breakup. Hey, Margaret.

Hey, Margie. Hey. Spoon shaped Barbie. Mag. Mag. We don't know anything about you except that you don't make our boy P-Dunk happy enough. You aren't marriage material, my babe. Sorry.

You did it. You done good. You put in a good effort. Yeah. But your 100% just wasn't good enough for the dunk. And you know what? All the pressure off him, he didn't say a word to us. We made this decision after observing how you guys were together.

So don't be mad at him. Be mad at us. And Margo, you can do better. He calls himself P-Dunk unironically. Is that the kind of guy you want to meet, take him to meet your folks? You can't do better though because P-Dunk is, I mean, he's a solid dude. He's a good dude. He helped me move.

Great taste. He gave me a ride to the airport. So you just got to come and pack up your shit. I have a conundrum. OK. This is from Stacy. Here are my brother and my brother and me. We turn conundrums into funundrums with our advice.

My brother and I, my boyfriend and I, whoa, my boyfriend and I are celebrating our three year anniversary in a week or so. You should know that. Maybe we want to pin down that date, states. Unfortunately, I'm far away in grad school and dealing with crazy family times. This is where you come in. I need ideas for gifts and I am certain he would love anything you suggested. Well, shit, Stacy.

Thanks for telling us so very much about him to base his decision on. So like an object, a physical object in the world. A gun rack. Let's just, let's just, a mug, a nice mug, a segue, a printer, a chalice, a lamp, a guitar tuner. I'm looking at things on my desk. Jar, jaw breakers. I'm just looking at things.

A leg lamp. What? What's good? A guitar. Not just a gift, but a hobby. You know? Here's the important thing. Here's the important thing.

High quality webcam for both you and him and then you can have video sets from far away from you. I like that. I think that that's good. Any anniversary gift, the important thing is to, it's a test to prove how well you know them. It is. So yeah, get them something, get, get your, your bow, something that is specific to him.

Get him a bow staff. Get him a crossbow, with which he can plunk in the wild. A crossbow that shoots bow staffs. A giant crossbow shooting crossbow. A bow crossbow. A bow crossbow. A ballista. A crossbow that shoots bows.

A crossbow that shoots baristas and then you go to jail for murder because you just shot a Starbucks employee. Why did you do that? Stacey, that was the worst present ever. I got you this dead Starbucks employee. I got you a, I got you a bum rat for murder. You're going to want to leave the country. Um, no, I think the webcams, a car, three year, that's, that's a car, right?

Three years of the car. The fourth year is the dead stuff. Um, I want to ask a question. Well, someone else asked it, but I want to read it. Um, it's from, it's from a website called Yahoo. A user, just another human asked, is it weird to like animated characters more than real life people? Let's say a cartoon figure, I think, depending on the cartoon, some females look astonishingly beautiful. And usually they have a great personality.

I start to imagining how it would be to date such a character and the outcome is it's better than real life. I don't really like real life females much. Most of them, not all, are really superficial and usually just want something from you. Don't misunderstand. I can clearly see the line between fantasy and real life. It's just that fantasy is so much more appealing to me. Hey buddy. Can we, can we talk about you like, okay, your problem with women is that they're

superficial and you're telling me you're, you're attracted to celluloid people. I'm in love because they're bodies are better. I like how they're only two dimensional and they don't talk about. And I can turn it off. That's pretty nice. And they're glossy. If this guy finds out that those things were animated by real life people and written dialogue by real life people and voiced by real life people, he's going to lose his shit.

Please nobody tell him that. Here's the funny thing. This is the Yahoo Answers equivalent of the neighbor who says he always seemed like such a nice boy. Like this is step one to ten years down the road. He's killing women. Well, this is what the internet teaches us, right? It's not that you, it's not that he was always such a nice guy. It's that you never read his posts on Yahoo Answers.

Trust me, he was a monster the whole time. Real people are just too, they're like big sacks of blood. Don't you just want to stab them and see what's inside? Is that weird? Here's a pro tip, bro. If you have to ask, is it weird? Yes. Odds are problem.

If you have to make the statement, I can clearly see the line between reality and fantasy. You can't. You can't see that line. You are justifying. And you know it's bad when dude is like, I'm so crazy, but I'm going to step out of that. It's gotten to a point where I can actually sense my own perversion like rearing its head. Like I don't think this is normal. I'm pretty sure it's weird, but that's how weird it is that like even me, a weird guy is like, I don't know.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I am freaking myself out. I'm freaking out by me. Just me being alone. I'm freaked. So hopefully that'll help you, Kev. Kev, Kevmo. You are a weird guy.

Creepy Kev. I want to hear our last question or our one to grow on, if you will. But first, I want to tell you how you can seek out our advice. You, uh, oh, hold on. We got a good one here from Delia. I am a 20. I'm 22 in a hopeless romantic. I've been blown away, not in a good way from the desires of men that I meet.

I don't see why it's so hard for a guy to take a girl out or at least open a door for her by a beer or dinner. They all just want to screw and fool around. Why are you separating them? Do they mean, they mean different things than I thought they meant? They just want to have sex and then put on clown costumes. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, Law. I'm not looking for a serious relationship. But why have men thought that dinner or drinks is no longer necessary is making my loving heart sad.

Keeping the ears open, loving you three, Delia. Delia has a strange way of talking, but I dig it. I'm just saying. I dig it. It's strange, but I dig it. I don't know, Delia. Chivalry is dead. Go to a church, Delia.

That's where you're going to meet a nice boy. Go to our Facebook appreciation group and meet a nice boy. All gentlemen. There are still gentlemen in the world. I open a door. Here's why. Those kinds of guys will do as little as they have to do. So, you know, make sure you keep your standards strong and require them to do these things.

And they will do them or just go out with a better quality of man. And keep in mind, 22 guys, 22, they're basically children. They're like babies. They don't know. They don't have real skills like a man. You really don't start to ripen and mature as a person until 23. That's true. Take it.

Yeah. Yeah. Take it from Griffin. Delia, date older men. That go to church. Just go to your local church. Find the oldest guy you can. Check out.

Get hitched. Make sure he's got some do-ra-me in the back though, if you know what I mean. Can't buy the cow and milk it. And then you drink the milk and make you strong and then you kick a dude. I think I messed up a metaphor. Yeah, I think so. I want to hear Griffin's lat. Also, Delia, I'm confused by your email.

Are you down to bone? Because... Or do you want to fool around? That's all I was getting. You know what? It may be that you are sending out the wrong signals that you're down to bone on the 24th set. Maybe you should scale it back a little bit.

Maybe wear something more conservative. Go ahead and lock that up. That's your treasure. Maybe when you meet a new person, this is a great way to meet somebody on the bus. Hi, my name is Delia and I'm not down to bone. Yes. So don't even try it. Don't even try it.

But do you like Scrabble? Because I will play some Scrabble with you tonight. I will play Scrabble. Or your tiles. The road to passion is on lockdown, if you know what I'm saying. That's not even a metaphor. It's just on lockdown. But then feel free to give it up on second date.

Second date. I think you got to go naked date, too. I want to hear the last question in actuality now. I'm not just threatening to hear it. But I want to tell you how you can seek out our advice. As always, these methods are available on my brother and my brotherandme.com, which is not a website. mbmbam.com is.

Glad to say this has been a really well oiled show. Really. Really working the kinks out for sure. Well, we've all been burning the candles at both ends and a little bit in the middle. Yeah. I'm not going to use my problems onto this. Just bear with it. Yeah.

Just hang in there. You can get us on Twitter. Use the hashtag mbmbam. We read all those always. We see them as soon as you say them. If you want to get to us directly, that's a great way to do it. At mbmbam is our Twitter account. If you want to find out what's new, what's the latest, want to make a love connection,

or maybe just meet a friend, go to our Facebook group. Huge thread on Facebook. Yeah. Huge thread on Facebook about meeting. Is it really? Yeah. It's blowing up. It's blowing up.

If you want to go there, just meet people. Make a new friend. There's no evidence of actual. I haven't seen any evidence of kids swapping tartar sauce yet, but I'm hoping in the near, near future. You want them to get down. It goes without saying, pics only, no fatties. Pics only, please.

We're professionals here, providing a professional service. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah. You guys have been so great. Everything is growing. It's on the GROW tip every day. We are expanding our reach, our influence.

We've been in the top 20 on iTunes for the last episode wise for the last two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. We also want to remind you, as always, to not do anything that we say to do. Nope. Don't listen to us. No. God.

Damn word. But do tell a friend. Tell a friend. Burn a CD. Subscribe. Two episodes of our show on a CD, and you can give that to a friend. Yeah. Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes.

Drop a review. Whatever. You know what we need. Just give it to us, Delia. We need your love. We need your love, please. Your treasure. It's the second date.

Griffin, what's our last question? This and the question comes to us from Christian, just Christian, who asks, what is Justin Bieber's cell phone number? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Justin Bieber. My Bieber. My Bieber and me.

You will never know me. God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

God. God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

God. God. God. God. God. God. God. God.

God. God. God. God. God. God.