My Brother, My Brother And Me - My Brother, My Brother and Me: Episode 10

Episode Date: June 21, 2010

In this peculiar, jet-lagged episode, we discuss the Jesuses owned by each planet, how to french kiss and kicking internet porn addiction. And that's like, the first five minutes.

If you change your mind, on the first in line, on the arms feel free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go when you're feeling down. If you're all alone, when the pretty birds have come, on the arms feel free. That's how we're starting. This is the great, great beginning. I don't want to do this. I just don't. I don't think it's a good idea. I'm brothers together, for vicing. Telling people. Tell them our setup.

Tell them what they don't. What up? We got a gorilla setup. Three of us are around a mic, and we're so close. It's despicable, like it's gross. I can feel Griffin's whiskers on my cheek. There's an odd number of us. You've got to come close. I say this because we only have one mic, so I know for a fact you have to get close. We've got to take a vote if we should continue this show, or if we should just abort it. When would we do it if we aborted it?

We'll figure out another time. I support our right to choose. So, advice, right? What's the story with that? Is that how it begins? Advice? What's the story with that? What is the story? What's the dealio? Hit us with some queries. My boyfriend has been struggling with an addiction to internet porn for a long time.

Neither he nor I like this issue that he has to deal with, and would rather him get over it as soon as possible. What can I do to help? What are your suggestions to him? Thanks. Tennery. What? Tennery? Alright, we'll allow it. Let me see if I get this straight. Your BF, your boyfriend, is addicted to internet porn. Can you be addicted?

No. That is not a thing that happens. Addiction is a physical thing. There it is. So he really likes internet porn. How do you stop that? Get it. We live without the internet for thousands of years. Just cancel it. Yeah, just get it sexy. Cancel it. Just what?

I'm just saying if she's asking for a way to help, she needs to get it sexy. I don't know what. This is tennery. Yeah, tennery means to sex it up. She needs to replace internet porn. Have you seen the internet? The things those people are willing to do are just despicable. How could a regular woman hope to live up to that? I guess the real question is how much do you love your boyfriend?

You love your boyfriend enough to foot crush some stuff? I'm talking about the difference between love and just physical laws. You can't be as big as the internet. You can't be as sexy as it. The internet is on 24-7. It's available for you. It's going to cater to whatever bizarre desire you want. The internet is like a sex hydra, right? It's not a sex hydra. You can cut off its heads, but another one is just going to spring right back into place. Yeah, so I would say cancel your internet because it's the only way.

You got to keep it from the internet because the internet is pretty much just porn these days. Or maybe it's something you two could share together. Watch that internet porn together. Make it a magical moment. That's like weird. Maybe you need to cancel your boyfriend. Justin, you're pushing me. You got one mic. Do you remember one mic? I think my levels look pretty tight, but I'm saying cancel that.

Cancel that boyfriend. I'm a chubby guy and I've never been in a relationship. That's half true. It's not that I have a problem talking to bitches or anything. There's your problem right there. You got to stop calling him bitches. No, he didn't call him bitches. It's just the only girls I find attractive are out of my league and can never work up the courage to actually ask them out. Let me help you out with this, man. Lower them standards. You got them too high. You're reaching for dust bunnies on the ceiling.

We got shit under your couch. You need to be dealt with. Lower that standard. There's no such thing as out of your league, bro. Yeah, except there is. Wait, wait, let me correct you. There's no such thing as out of your league if you're hugely physically attractive. Because then anything is within your reach. I would say your problem is you're getting intimidated because you don't have the skills yet. You're trying to freaking knock one out of the park when you should just be trying to pick up a grounder.

You know, everyone wants to buy that Corvette first car out, but you just don't have the capital for that, man. You're going to need to get that used Kia. Yeah, you don't have the juice. You consider hopping on that Atkins diet, Cherry? Get that Atkins. Hideki Tosis. Drop about Fitty. Get your key. Get your key to drop about Fitty in a week, and then you pick up a fly, honey, and then you start eating your breads.

Balloon. And then you're like too late. You're already with this. Lady confusion. She'll never know what's fucking here. Hey, Yahoo Answers user Charlie asks, Christians, if we did discover aliens, should we share the gospel with them? Does Jesus love aliens too? It's deep. I would think that it takes so much energy to love people

that like, he's got to have an outlet, and the outlet is probably hating people from other places. I love everyone on earth, but everywhere else, fuck them. Well, do you remember Independence Day, right? The end of Independence Day, right when Will Smith, he fired the nuke, but it didn't go off until a miracle happened, and then it blew up the mothership and saved the planet. And that miracle was Randy Quaid. That miracle was Jesus' love, blowing up aliens. Randy Quaid? Through Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid wasn't in that film.

Yes, he was. You're too young to remember, because you just remember him as a hero. Because you're a child. You've replaced him in your mind's eye with Jesus' love. Wasn't that Dennis Quaid? No, it was Randy. He does hate people from other planets, but at the millennial Jesus convention, he always covers it up. Like, he doesn't tell Mars Jesus that he hates Martians.

So it's a franchise, right? Because I've always assumed that that's how it works. That's how it works. Jupiter Jesus is my new stage name, by the way. You should have been there when they excommunicated Pluto Jesus. It was crazy. No, no Jesus is for moons. Get out of here. Please. Pluto Jesus is also my favorite Eddie Murphy movie.

This summer. Eddie Murphy is Pluto Jesus. I work as a lead at the coffee house. I'm not best impressed with the virtue of cleaning up after oneself on my co-workers and boss. I still don't. Hey, you're not the boss. Don't fucking worry about it. Don't worry about your boss. Let him do his thing. Your co-workers, the first time they leave trash around, pick it up and throw it at their face.

Probably when they're busy. Slash a couple of tires and that shit changes around real quick. Just be careful that you don't get murdered. Wow, man. Yeah, don't get murdered. Seriously. That was a callback to last week's show. It's okay. It was a long time ago. It's been a long week.

Just don't get murdered. The 21st of June will be my birthday. Looking for advice on how to kick it like a McRoy. Any suggestions sort of drinking out of children's beach toys would be much obliged as I'm only turning 19. James. James, 19 years old. It's a rough age because you're not an adult anymore.

I mean, you're still an adult, but you're not turning into an adult and you're still two years away from any practical upshot. Even 20 is cool because you're in your 20s. So I guess what I'm saying is keep it on the silent. Just do it under cover. Oh, I thought you were saying like, sit at home by yourself, eat a cupcake, blow out an unlit candle. Don't bother people with it, man.

Keep it shut. Nobody cares. Calls it in here. It's just keep it quiet. So you're not suggesting he practiced some surreptitious flaskmanship? No. You're saying just take a chill pill. Everybody's first question is going to be, how old are you going to be like 19? They'll be like, eh.

What did you do? Okay. Well, not a big deal, but I guess. 19 wasn't a great year. So have fun, James. You did it. Enjoy it. Yeah, enjoy it.

Drink it in. Drink it deep. I haven't been for a checkup in years and decided it's about that time. The only problem is I really like, dislike the idea of another guy touching my wiener. Whatever the context. What I come across is some degenerate if I ask specifically for a female doctor. Is it normal for a guy to outright refuse to have a male doctor

in a wiener related circumstance? I feel so completely the opposite on this subject that I only want a dude touching my wiener when it comes to... What if you have a female doctor and she chuckles? What if there's a chuckle? I made the decision when I went in that he was going to be just as uncomfortable as I am. Like, if I'm going to be uncomfortable in this situation,

guess what, brah? So are you. Put your finger in my butthole. Yeah. Try to use the phrase get it as much as possible. So, like, mmm, get it. Or just like that. Just like that.

Just like that. One finger? That's all you can get from there? Is that all you got? Sometimes you can distract yourself from feeling awkward by making someone else feel worse. I mean, more awkward. Or just worse.

Just serve them while they're down there holding your wiener. Just like, by the way, your haircut is ugly. So go into the office fully erect is basically what you're saying. And don't ever address it like this. This is soft for me. This is my closet. Why don't you try to remember he's trying to keep you from having prostate cancer.

You terrible, terrible selfish person. The worst, he's not going to touch your wiener. Worst case scenario, he's going to cup them balls. It's not biggie. No biggie. Use that nut. Yahoo Answers user Tesorio asks, How do my nipples hurt?

Could you sell that please? How do my nipples hurt? I think that's supposed to be how do my nipples hurt and not like some sort of archaic like, Oh, do my nipples hurt? I went swimming today at the lake while we were in the water for like an hour or so and my nipples started hurting like after an hour.

Why is that? I was wearing a t-shirt. They really hurt like they sting. What can I do to make it stop? It's the t-shirt, man. Your nipples are sensitive. Some people say they're the most sensitive organ on your body and you've got a wet t-shirt there.

They're just rubbing. Just rubbing on it. Oh God, I'm taking a turn. Just rubbing on it. We had, remember those boogie boards we got? We went to the beach one time and we got these boogie boards and they had the texture of sandpaper and we would just dive in the ocean on them

like nipple first. We'd land directly on our nipples. Funny macro fact, our chests are all sandpaper smooth. Like all like nipples gone. No belly buttons. It's just a flat sheet. It's really weird. Medical mysteries.

Great finesse question. I want to do two yahoo's in a row. I'm pressing it. Do it. What is the best flavor of jelly? We don't have to answer this one but someone went on the internet with this burning question that he had

to fucking crowdsource. What is the best flavor of jelly? The worst thing is I'm looking at zero answers. Let me refresh. There's actually ten answers. So let's get into this. Strawberry. Jelly is the best flavor of jelly.

Jelly flavor of jelly. It's just a matter of opinion. Mine is peach. But even better is grape jam. Pear preserves by Braswells are awesome. Boob flavor. Get it. Grape and strawberry.

But my favorite is whatever is available for toast at the time. It depends on the person. I personally prefer grape. Boys and dairy. What a weirdo. How did nobody say K-Y? How did nobody say K-Y?

I was unclever and awful as these people are. Nobody said K-Y. They really are the worst. I know it's worse that someone is curious what other people think about jelly or that someone thinks that they're curious about what they think about jelly. Listen, Robbie, if you are listening,

get that rose jelly. Jesus, it's delicious. You can only get it in Britain, but it's worth the investment. Smear that on your English muffin. I have two gay brothers whose wedding is coming up soon. I have a gay brother

whose wedding is coming up soon. I'm the best man at the wedding. I'm very happy for him and wish him the best of luck. My girlfriend, who is supposed to accompany me to the wedding, for gay rights and gay marriage. She's expressed her own willingness to come to the wedding due to her own beliefs.

What the fuck do I do? That's a tough putt, man. I've been thinking about this and I have an idea. I'd like to play a game. We're going to play a point counterpoint game. Which one am I? Justin, you are going to be pro gay marriage. Griffin, you are going to be anti-gay marriage.

Justin, go. I think K should be married. Okay, Griffin, go. It's yucky and it's a union that I respect and frankly, love is real. Well, is it real if it's two mouths

and two man mouths? He's been married four to five, seven times. Right, but how many times have they married men? How many times has man mouth touched another man mouth? What's wrong with that? It's beautiful. Guys, this is role play. I've seen a lot of movies

and I know the way this shakes out is that your brother and his free spirited husband meet your girlfriend and they enchant her with their love and convince her that she was wrong all along. I've seen La Caja Foe, I know how it goes.

Or it pulls the saving silverman and you kick a man to pee through the curb. And also, probably the case is she just doesn't want to go to the wedding because going to weddings sucks. Gay or straight weddings are not fun. They're dope.

They're very brief and the catering is usually very snappy. And everyone wears briefs, which is weird. My first wedding anniversary is coming up on July 21. You can use your expert advice on a cool gift for my husband. His primary hobby is gaming, but I typically steer away from buying games

as he researches and buys those for himself. He also loves our college basketball team. That's nondescript, but I've already brought him all sorts of team... He enjoys local team. He enjoys local team. All sorts of team-related paraphernalia over the years.

Now I'm at a loss, so I'm hoping that y'all can come up with a great anniversary gift for a 30-year-old guy. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. My husband is a big fan of the podcast, so a mention on the show would be a little gift all by itself. Feel free to shout out my excellent husband, Jonathan,

if you're so inclined. That's from Rebecca. So shout out to Jonathan. Thanks for that gift. Track down Tennery's husband. Get him to make you a guide to all the hot sites. It's a gift that says, hey, I'm cool. I'm down. I know you have needs.

This is a guide made especially for you. I feel like we used up all of our good gift suggestions last week, but I'm sure we still got some in the tank. Have you considered a home brewing kit? Oh, home brewing kit. Home brewing kit is a great idea. Maybe you could wait for your beer

to be done cooking as you explore all the new pornography sites that Tennery's husband turned onto. Meats. Some form of meats, maybe a meat subscription. A meat of the month club? Is that a thing that exists? Sure. It should be noted that the two of them

haven't received a gift for many years, so this is largely from memory and what they've read in Charles Dickens' books. Torches, buckknives? Are these things that be called coffers? Darning wool? Orphans. How many orphans does he have? A bowl of calico.

Twine. How's his twine so fine? How's his lard? How about a lesson in love? Yahuansu's user Anna asks, how do you French kiss? Well, first you need to find a partner, then you would just kiss regularly, but you need to put your tongue in each other's mouth.

There is so much more to it than that. Anna, there is so much more to it than that. Fuck Anna for asking how to French kiss Is it a question or an answer, Anna? No one's going to win. This is great. One of the answers is don't suddenly put it in and wiggle it around. But that's a turn off.

You need to do it very gently and softly. Good advice in the link above. That's how I learned to do it. And then there's a link to a wiki page on how to French kiss. Fuck you, internet. Fuck the internet. I had to learn that shit at 15 by myself, scared like, How does it...

This is my problem with the internet. If I do you make, you know, baked potato, it's like, oh, it's really helpful. Then someone feels they need to create a page. It's like, here's how you French kiss. Fuck you. I don't need it. Why is that a thing on the internet that I would ever look up?

Why would you stop being such a sinner? Everyone's got to figure that shit out by themselves at age 15, and it's like going into an arena against an angry lion. It's the scariest moment in your life, and you're either going to come out a champion or you're going to be a loser.

Okay. Almost two months ago, my fiancé and I broke up after dating for five and a half years. We are still living with each other, but I will be moving out July 1st, okay? Within the last month, I discovered that she has been hooking up

with my best friend since childhood. That is gross. Obviously, I'm angry about this since he was slated to be my best man, and he was when this whole time and that was... I just extemporaneized that. It wasn't in the email.

The first person I turned to for consolation after the breakup. Oh, ouch, man. And even with my knowledge of this, he still continues to talk to her, and I know that things are going to pick up more so after I move. I've tried to get past this,

but in my mind, it's very difficult. I value my friendship with both of these people. Why? And I don't want to waste my life holding grudges. I know they didn't do this with any intended malice towards me, but it's very difficult to put behind me. Any advice on how to deal with this?

Jeff, I got to say, man, you're already dealing with this pretty cool. You seem to be dealing with this pretty maturely. You're going to feel hurt if it's going to happen, but don't be in a rush to try to forgive them. Sometimes, no matter how much you care about people,

you've got to say, fuck you. And if I can play devil's advocate here, Jeff, intended or not, this is your ex-fiance of five and a half years in best friends and childhood. So the malice, whether they should,

that's something they probably considered and said, fuck it, he'll be mad. So there is a little bit of not-so-good feelings there. So it's perfectly normal that you're still dealing with it and not completely over it. Yeah, excuse me, Jeff.

Move out before July 1st. Come stay with us. This is a safe place. Come stay with Griffin. Come stay while I'm moving. Perfect. Hey guys. So this last year, I had my own

apartment and it was where my friends and I would hang out basically all the time because it was centrally located between all of us and B, parents, rents, if you prefer, was nice as well. But because of grades and money,

I'm moving back home with my parents in August. It's putting me closer to some of my friends but putting me almost 20 to 30 minutes away from some others. I just worried our group of friends is going to fall apart without that central place to hang out. What can I and my friends as a group

do to make sure this doesn't happen? You gotta find a peach pit. Hey Ian. Find your grades. So you can move out of your parents' house and get a job. Find your peach pit. It sounds like he's a high schooler.

He's a high schooler with his own apartment. He's a doogie howzer. Listen dumb shit, if you're not even going to listen to questions, what advice are you going to give? It's going to be worthwhile, practical. Find a third party hangout location.

A peach pit or a pub, Gina's Pub and Family Fun Center. Get your ski ball on. Cafe, what was the one from Friends? Friends Cafe. Central Perk. I think the Friends Cafe was... What was the one from Joey?

I believe that was also a Central Perk. Pinchle Cirque. Hey, it was my friends handler. Hey guys, I got a question. How you doing? You remember Joey? You guys remember when Joey would say, like pretty frequently,

he would be like, how you doing? You remember that? You guys are trying not to laugh. I wish they could see you. Oh, you're trying really hard, but you're smirking. How you doing? Jesus Christ.

I win. How many more we have? Not too many. Why don't you pick one more off this and I'll do more last year. I love this. I love this. Shut it down. But now people are thinking about that. They're worried. They'll probably throw in a bonus one.

I just recently have braces for my teeth. What? I just recently have braces for my teeth and I'm 20 years old. And to be taken off when I'm 22, will women find me less attractive if I have braces? I'm going to say something.

Fuck you if you come to Mbembe. This show is not called Hard Truths. Don't make us deliver hard truths to you. You don't want to. If that's all you're seeking out, don't make us be those guys. Let me drop this on you. Since I'm the only McRoy who was loved enough

by his parents to get the embraces. Yeah. It's going to be rough for a while. You're in for two sexless years entirely. But listen. Look. When you get out of it, once you break on through to the other side,

you're going to have that fucked up grill you've been sporting your whole life. It's going to be straight and narrow. Let us consider the caterpillar. In the poopa. Is that a poopa? Yeah, it's a poopa. Listen, 20 to 21,

those years aren't that great in any way. What? Yeah, those years are pretty miserable for me. I'm having my first alcoholic beverage open to give to my braces. You will have a unique life experience and not a lot of people will be able to associate with.

You can open beer bottles on your teeth. If you could get that truck down, it just became a W. But yeah, they will find a lesser chance. You should be less worried about the lack of female attention you'll encounter in the next two years and worry more about the lack of corn chips

you'll be able to eat. Completely off the docket. Maybe you'll get fit. Here's what you've got to do, you've got to counter it. You've got to get so fit and so dope on bass guitar or something that the ladies will be able to find your resistance.

Re-invent yourself. It's the new you. It's the new... Well, I don't know your name, but it's the new you. I recently know as a trend, this is a farm stream again, where people come up to me and seem interested.

Girls come up to me, not just people. That would be a bitter pill. Girls come up to me and seem interested. David, you're looking real tight. What are you doing? Plasting that corn, I see. But there will always be a presence of some...

Whoa, okay. It's French. I'm going to let the ladies stop for you because it's confusing. I've recently noticed a trend where girls will come up to me and seem interested. Girls... There will always be a presence of some ambiguous male. I've never

sure of his role, but I can't ask, is he your boyfriend without feeling like a creep? Any advice? I would say the wording on that makes that sound like the creepiest situation. What is your life like? How is your life that there's like

just a girl comes... What is she saying? Is she like, hi, I want you to meet my boyfriend? What male? Who is this male? Is it possible that he is her herald? Maybe? Her squire? Her handler.

He's just there in the background to make sure everything's going hunky-dory. If she says to you in a very scary voice, oh, don't worry about him. You need to get out of there, bro. You're out. This is a bad situation for you to be in. Maybe she gets off on flirting with guys

and then getting her boyfriend to beat the shit out of them. I've seen that in movies. That's the thing that happens. Isn't it? I don't see main movies. You ready? I don't know. Let's give our instructions.

Let's get our instructions. I don't like this one. So this is going to be... This is episode 10. It's a special one. We're doing it in the same room. And by special, I mean, Justin and I both had red-eye fights. We... We've had long ones.

But I think we pulled it together. Let's see if we can stretch it out to 30 whole minutes. Okay. So if you want to email us, you can do so at mbmbam.com. If you want to check out our form spring, it's formspring.me

forward slash mbmbam, I think. I don't know. All these things can be... We love it when you tweet quotes from the show and use the mbmbam hashtag on the public eye. That's always fun. If you've got questions, you can ask them that way too.

And all this stuff can be found out on mbmbam.com. We... Love it when you come by and visit. Comment on the show. Let us know what you thought. Review us on iTunes. If you want to know where all the hot porn sites are, check out Tennery's husband.

He's got the scoop, the inside poop which is this thing. That's a great site. Make sure you subscribe. We know you've just been downloading a piecemeal and that's not the most efficient way to get us into you. So just get it.

Get it to that subscription, lock it down, and then take it home. And then we'll be there. Griffin, go ahead and hit us with our last question of the week. This is one to grow on, one to think about. This one comes to us from the sponsor's user, Chocolate Bunny,

who asks, Is it normal to urinate when you have an orcism? Or is that urine? I really want to know if this is normal. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. And this has been my brother. My brother. And me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me.

You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me.

You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me.

You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me. You will never know me.