My Dad Wrote A Porno - Best Of Book One

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

Ahead of series two (starting on Monday 4th July), the gang get together to talk about some of their favourite moments from the now legendary 'Belinda Blinked 1'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance, mind your business.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic.

Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Guess who's back? Hello! It's James, Alice and me, Jamie. It's my dad wrote a porno. Not quite time for series two yet although Rocky did

hand me the manuscript of Belinda Blink 2 yesterday I actually can't believe I look I know so it is imminent guys July the 4th put it in your diaries porno day will be back then but in the meantime just to whet your appetite to remind you of the world of Belinda Blink we have gathered together some of our favorite bits of book one I'm'm not sure about the word favourite. Is this lowlights or highlights? I didn't get a brief through. Moments we remember. There are classic ones that everyone always brings up when they talk about Blinder Blink.

It's a bit like a secret society, isn't it? If you just say the word pomegranates in the right company, people automatically know what you mean. The right people know. You know who your brethren are. I think Rocky's kind of ruining people's lives. Oh, he's ruining my life. I don't know about you two. I can't watch Titanic anymore.

I think we all know that isn't true, James. You watch it every week. He couldn't watch it for a day and has gone back to his usual weekly viewing. Exactly. Okay, well, should we just take a trip down memory lane? And I think the best place to start is on Chapter One. Seems like a sensible place. Indeed, where it all began, Chapter One,

when she was in that job interview and this happened. Belinda laid back in the leather chair and spread her legs wide as requested. Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial... Sorry! Ding dong! Stop! Let's stop there. I mean, I'm no expert on the vagina. Alice, maybe you can enlighten us. Does a vagina have lids? I have never thought of it as a Tupperware box.

Yeah, I think that's when we knew we had something special on our hands. That's when I knew I needed to, please dear God, be adopted. That was the early days where we were so easily shocked as well, where just the mere mention of a vaginal lid would get us going.

That's so true. That feels like barely even a laugh line now. Yeah, l a laugh line now yeah that would just like fly over our heads also remember her sweating oh god yeah early days she was very sweaty the runnel of liquid core moments it almost brings a runnel to the eye doesn't it to the lower left eye so that was kind of kicking off the whole belinda blink craze the lids pop in but it didn't end there her tits hung freely oh god like pomegranates doesn't ever lose its clean. Never gets old. I love that line.

I think pomegranates is the one. Like, everyone uses pomegranates. And people just don't look at pomegranates in the same way now. They, I would say, that fruit is ruined for a generation. Do you know what? Pomegranates became such a big thing that at Christmas, on Christmas Day, my dad made some special Blinder Blinked cocktails for the family,

you know, as you do. Try and win over Wilma. Failed. And he put in little red peppercorns to be like just a cocktail full of pomegranates.

Why wouldn't he put pomegranate in it? It's a good question. What? So rocky. It's a classic rocky moment. And I think I Instagrammed it actually on Christmas day so

he put peppercorns in the cocktail red peppercorns to resemble pomegranate when pomegranate is a completely legit thing to have in a cocktail they were to look like lots of little ones I feel like you're so indoctrinated that to you you're like no no to resemble little mini pomegranates and it's like no not okay I know I'm starting to justify the logic of my father i don't know what's wrong with me sorry he is an absolute mental fiend but no it was interesting just because it even got through to rocky that pomegranate was a thing well i almost felt like it was a tribute to me when he referenced my favorite film did you talk about the my little pony movie i don't remember that it It's Titanic, of course. And they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together.

Yay! You can hear me squealing with delight. It's so good to this very day. Where did he pull that from, honestly? Where does his mind go? He doesn't have a mind like a normal person or a normal writer. He pinballs.

His references are all over the shop. And orthodox, to say the least. The size isn't even... Equatable. People have tweeted us pictures of the actual rivets of the Titanic and they are literally the size of this kitchen table. A tree trunk.

Yeah. It's a redwood. Ridiculous. Well, although we don't know, to be fair, what the Duchess's nipples look like, we could hazard that they don't look like sequoias. Oh, God. But yeah, I just thought that was great.

For me, there is one moment that whenever I think about favourite bits from book one, just springs to mind immediately. And it fills me with a sense of real nausea. Oh, I think I know what it is. I think I know what it is. But also, I love it so much. So this is one of mine. Underneath covered in pubic hairs,

the play are very small. so this is one of mine. Underneath covered in pubic hairs, Leigh. Leigh! Leigh, a very small, and in Belinda terms, somewhat pathetic penis. Leigh. Why is it lying?

Like it's in a nest, like a slug. Like a little vole. I knew it would be the vole. I knew it. From that dirty look on your face, I knew it was the vole immediately. I knew it. From that dirty look on your face, I knew it was the vole immediately. Repulsive. Disgusting.

One of his most vivid pictures that he's ever painted, I think, in the whole of Belinda Blinked. But this is the thing that someone was saying to me when that episode aired. They said, he's writing erotica. The point of Belinda Blinked 1 is to turn people on. Why would you ever write someone with a chode that is the least sexy thing on the planet also after we recorded that episode we had such a long chat about what makes a chode what the proportions have to be it has to be yay by yay you know like a bit like

where your suitcase has to fit in at the airport like we we fashioned like a template for it fit in at the airport. Like we fashioned like a template for it. It's the penis equivalent of carry-on luggage. Brilliant. If it fits in this, you've got a chode.

It's as long as it is wide, right? That's the... That's a chode, yeah. That's the technical... Which we don't know that he had... No. Never specified... You're right.

That it was a chode. Indeed, it was never specified that it was the vole. That was the... We took to calling it... Maybe he wishes it was never specified that it was the vole that was we took to calling it maybe he wishes it was long as it was wide that's the dream it was lying somewhere i think he was trying to raise awareness of an issue that i saw on this morning recently three men who had micro penises but you know they've always satisfied women in the bedroom and it's nothing to be ashamed of so i think rocky's actually trying to fight the good fight for men with tiny penises he has a wide reaching variety of causes that he likes to

support he's a philanthropist he really is and we really discovered this with the tom bowler episode when we discovered the existence of i also want to personally thank sir james godwin for letting us have this opportunity to raise some much-needed money for our local charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust. Not a thing! No. Of all the charities. Of all the charities.

He doesn't even know it's a gag. He doesn't even know that it's lols because it's got ass in it. I know. Yeah, it's not even a double entendre. It's nothing. But why have they narrowed it down to asses and donkeys? Why didn't they just do animals?

Why didn't they just do animals? It's to raise money for animals. Like the RSPCA or something. Oh, yeah, that does exist. Sorry, I'm old. One thing, because I've re-listened to the podcast, I don't know about you guys, because I like to listen to it on my exist. Sorry, I'm old. One thing, because I've really listened to the podcast, I don't know about you guys, because I like to listen to it on my computer.

Yeah, loser. One thing I noticed that we never really picked up on, but I think it's worth mentioning. Do you remember who Bella went to in the Tombola? Alphonse? The yank, Jim Sterling. Bella had to spend 12 hours with Jim Sterling. 12 hours!

Essentially playing Where's Wally but Where's Willie. Where's Willie! Honestly, it would have taken 12 hours to locate it and then he would have been like, dong, dong, dong, time's up. Poor Bella. At least she's two people so they can kind of split the time. Do you think they will become identical like evil twins in the next book?

I really wouldn't put it past him. Thanks, Donna and Giselle. You really helped me out. Donna? Donna? Oh, God. Who the hell's Donna? Is he mistaken Bella for Donna?

He means Bella. Well, you couldn't believe our ears. I mean, literally. Who gets characters mixed up? Well, not couldn't believe our ears. I mean, literally. Who gets characters mixed up? Well, not even mixed up. Just creates whole other names for them. She goes quite quickly back to Bella. Oh, yeah, by the end of the chapter.

Yeah, I think it's maybe just like two references of her being... I think she's done it for like maybe two sentences, then she leaves. Because you think, I'll commit to it now. I've done it. But to bounce back... That's why you've got to proofread, Rocky. Oh, God, do you think he asked me to proofread it? Were we supposed to be proofreading it? And I just immediately went to you now. I've done it. But to bounce back. That's why you've got to proofread, Rocky. Oh God, do you think he asked me to proofread it? Were we supposed to be proofreading it?

I immediately went to you guys. Oh my God. He was like, make sure no one sees this. Whoopsie! Oh God. In a way, we are getting everyone else to pick out its flaws. So we've got so many ears on this now. We've got like

two million proofreaders it's a proofreading on mass i love it he is a legit literary figure now i feel like so many people have listened i think rocky can be talked about alongside you know uh jackie collins jackie collins jilly cooper jilly cooper el james alan titchmarsh alan Titchmarsh. Alan Titchmarsh? Does he write porn? He won the Bad Sex Award one year. Oh, good for him. So actually, he's in the same category then as Morrissey, who's also won a Bad Sex Award for literature. So your dad is, in many ways...

He's basically Morrissey. He's basically the Smiths. Well, he is a charming man, Alice, as you well know. Oh, that's whiffy. All right. Next. But Peter Rouse was no normal individual and he knew when a girl was under his sexual spell,

as Belinda now was, so he let her screw his penis in her mouth and began using the mud to mark Belinda's tits, ass, mouth and ears with symbolic signs. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I love the way you read that. Like, signs.

Oh, my God. The screw line. I can't even. I love how it starts with, Peter Rouse was not a normal person. No shit, Sherlock. Thinks of wizard. He had her under his spell.

Sexual spell. How did we not see it coming with Peter? Not literally, but how did we not see that he was going to be a weirdo? Because he was so normal up until that point. He bowed to meet her. What do you think? She's normal. Oh, yeah, good point.

I, yeah, I just still hope that he can bring it round, though, because there was a time when we thought he could be a love interest. Yeah, well, he is in book two. We know that from the blurb so oh yeah she's going to meet him she goes to amsterdam so maybe there is still time although he's married oh yes so actually the chances of it being happily ever after i love how we pinball round because there is no story so we just remember these remnants where we're like oh yeah the turkey sandwiches we're grappling in the dark in fact the whole night that preceded the turkey sandwiches was such gold like the cctv being in the foyer of the horse and jockey the whole bottle of chili and chardonnay amazing dinner finishing at 8 20

and of course not forgetting the youngish man on reception entered the room with a trolley on which sat the ice bucket with a full bottle of chilli and chardonnay. Sam. Sam the youngish man. You were obsessed with Sam. I'm just glad he got a name in the end. Rocky heard my prayers. He'll never be Sam to me. He'll always be the youngish man. It's the ish that makes it art. He's kind of the underdog though, isn't he?

Because everyone else on that day kind of had a business point to be having sex with Belinda. Belinda just had sex with him just because she wanted to. I thought she put him to the side to have the turkey sandwiches first and then did. However Belinda does it. That's a pity, Jack. Come on. It goes Peter Rouse, Alphonse Derbacke, Jim Sterling, a turkey sandwich, and then the youngish man. I mean, that's embarrassing. What a hierarchy to be in. What great company to be listed with. Did they have full sex?

Don't call it full sex. Sorry. I've had a Twitter sex. Oh, God. I don't know, actually. Did they smash uglies? Wow. You're worse than Rocky.

That is troubling. Shall we listen to a clip? I think should it's getting awkward guys how have we not discussed this yet i feel as though i think i know what she's gonna do oh i don't know what it is so many people get mad at me for this because they feel like i should have flagged this earlier yeah i'm just gonna play it he grabbed her cervix all of us what do you say to that though literally what do you say well i think alice is oh said everything james so many girls have said to me like, did the boys know what it was? Where it was? And I'm like, I think a lot of boys don't. No, I didn't. I'd heard of it. I'd heard of it.

I heard sex ed. I know what I'm talking about. I've heard people talk about it like at work, around the water cooler, but I never really asked about specifics. I've heard people talk about it. Jamie, are you coming out tonight? Okay, we'll be right there. We're just talking about our cervixes. We're just pampering our cervix.

Classic Alice has been like. Steaming myself. I didn't say that I heard people talking about it. I said that I'd heard of the word. You'd heard the word. Did you know what it was in relation to? I knew that it was to do with the reproductive cycle. Did you just think it was a cool word that people were saying?

Who would you have heard it from? Rocky? That's up there with the pomegranate thing, I think. In terms of one word can just encapsulate all of what makes blender blinked great actually me and james met somebody who used the podcast as a birthing aid played it throughout their labor during labor what What? Has somebody grabbed her cervix? An actual qualified person, Rocky. With actual proper implements.

But then that means that somebody was brought into this world, the first thing that they heard was, my dad wrote a porno in Bling Bling. It doesn't bear thinking about. I mean, that child will be in therapy forever. Who was this person? I mean, do what you will with it. It's not our problem once it's out there, is it? Seriously.

Private life's your own. Yeah, please stop telling us these things because we don't want to know. That's amazing. Wow. Well, it seems fitting that the last clip that we'll play is actually in reference to the last line of the book. If there were anything like the last 24 hours,

she would be truly fucked. Oh, my God. I mean, seriously. Is that the sign off? Guys, that is the end of Belinda Blink. The last word of Belinda Blink is fucked. Sums it up there, doesn't it? Ending on such a bombshell.

She would be truly fucked. That could have been the blurb. Belinda Blink, colon, She would be truly fucked. That could have been the blurb. But Linda Blute, colon, she will be truly fucked. Yeah, it would have saved him about 18 pages on the blurb that he actually wrote.

It's a dirty book, isn't it? It's absolute filth. Yeah, it's filth. I didn't really realise. Where, what? Where have you been? I don't know, it's just when you're in it,

when you're drawn into this world as we have been, you kind of forget, no? I mean, I have to say, for as much as we have been, you kind of forget, no? I mean, I have to say, for as much as we mock Dad for his lack of literary skill... Full stop. He has created a genuine world.

People love the world of Belinda, like people enjoy being with these characters. And this small French town he's created where she works with the towel, wool, cloth. But do you know what I mean? That is no mean feat really. I know I'm always the one who's trying to defend my dad. No, Rocky has created a phenomenon. Yeah.

He really has. I'm not saying it's up there with other worlds like, I don't know The Lord of the Rings. Mordor. It's no Mordor. I'd say it's better. It's slightly a different genre, granted. Yeah, slightly. I cannot wait to see what he does next. Yeah, it's literally a few weeks.

Can you even believe it? Difficult second album, though. Can he pull it off? This is true. A lot of pressure on Rocky, but he had written book two before the podcast even began. He had, yeah. So this has been in a vault somewhere.

In theory, it should be vintage Flintstone. Oh, I would hate it if he suddenly got really good. Can you imagine? Oh my God, do you think... What if... Oh, I would hate it if he suddenly got really good. Can you imagine? Oh my God, do you think... Oh, what if... No, what if stuff actually happens? No! I'm really excited to read it.

I'm obviously dreading reading it as well. So join us on Monday the 4th. Porno Day is going to be back from the 4th of July. Independence Day. We've tied it in so well. Belinda is set free from the shackles of the English. At least the pomegranate will be set free

they'll be independent and actually interestingly the 5th of July is Rocky Flintstone's birthday no yes the next day is Rocky's birthday

is that a national holiday it will be soon maybe in Ireland what should we get him well I think a really great gift for dad would be if

on his birthday my dad wrote a porno could get to number one in the podcast chart for the first time because we never Well, I think a really great gift for dad would be if on his birthday, my dad wrote a porno could get to number one in the podcast chart for the first time. Because we never actually got to number one. We got very close. We didn't get there. I mean, what better gift would that be for Rocky? The man who's given us the whole of Belinda Blinked.

The man who has everything. Indeed. What more would he want? It does mean the world to us as well that you guys subscribe and you tell your friends about it. And another thing that you can do to help us climb up that chart is to leave us a review on iTunes in the podcast section. And we really want series two to be even bigger than series one. Absolutely. And like chat to us on Twitter.

We're all on Twitter. At Dad Wrote a Porno. Instagram as well. At My Dad Wrote Her. And Facebook. We've got a Facebook page. Just search for My Dad Wrote a Porno. We're everywhere.

Yeah. So get in the conversation. Have a chat. We love the messages about people's experiences as well that relate to Belinda Blink. So yeah, email us. Do any of those things. Get in touch. And let's just do it for Rocky.

I think we can do it with series two. Yay! Hashtag Belinda's back. Are you self-employed? We'll be right back. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the I'm-too-small-for-this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals, and bam, you suddenly feel unwell.

But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.