My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Ask Us Anything

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

Jamie, Alice and James answer some of your burning questions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes. Now it's time for you guys to ask us anything. Oh God, James. Yeah, we put a call out on social media for questions and we've had over five. So this is going to be amazing. Is this an AMA? Yeah, I guess so. out on social media for questions and we've had over five. So this is going to be amazing. Is this an AMA? Yeah, I guess so. Do you remember we did an AMA once

and we didn't really know how it worked and we fucked it right up. Yeah, this is an AUA. It's an AUA. Ask us anything. Very good. You both looked really pleased with yourselves with that one. Can I just get one out of the way just to kick us off?

Oh yeah, sure. Are we sure Belinda isn't pregnant? We followed her daily life for months now and not once has she had a period that's ella well ella i don't think that dad's gonna be writing about her menstrual cycle but you know maybe something for book eight no but you yeah you always say like when people complain about belinda going to the toilet and things like that it's like why of course he wouldn't write these things harry potter doesn't go to the toilet either but no one's like calling up jk rowling like, excuse me, he hasn't had a poo in ages. You don't know that.

She might be getting lots of mail about that. She might be screening all of them. Well, we're going to do the same. Lisa says, I actually want to know more about you three. What do you do for a living? Does she really? She says, has my dad at a porno changed your daily life in any way? Well, that's not the same question.

It's two very different questions. Well, James, you're a very successful TV producer. I'm a TV producer. BAFTA nominated. life in any way well that's not the same question it's very two very different questions um well james you're a very successful tv producer i'm a tv producer bafta nominated bafta nominated just put my certificate bless you with your certificate it does actually say it doesn't say your name on it says production team yeah he's done all that from work um yeah alice you are well you do many things al you're like a renaissance woman right Right, sure. Well, I'm like a TV radio person, really. You're a polymath, yeah. Aren't you like a designer as well or something?

Have I written that on my CV? If it says it on my CV, yeah. Yeah, I am, yeah. Or if people are looking for them, I'll do it. Yeah. And Jamie, you're, well, not only do you edit this podcast, which people will be surprised to hear that we edit it. I know, yeah.

It just sounds like ramblings in the dark, but I do edit it. Time's actually been spent on that. You're also a director. Do you have one of those chairs? A director? I don't, but maybe you can get me one for Christmas. Oh my God, that'd be nice.

Can I actually talk about my proudest career achievement? We know. You got nominated for a BAFTA. No, no, no. Better than that. I created Barriende. Okay.

Number one, you're not even saying it right. Number two, you didn't even know you created it, so how can you say you created it? Okay. So Barriande is this meme that's been doing the rounds for years of jesse from little mix doing a jamaican accent and i am the reason it exists what do you mean you are the reason like you have voice box or something so i was a producer at a job where we were doing a youtube channel where we interviewed celebrities and someone emailed us like little mix are coming

in in an hour do something with them and it was around the time like accent challenges were big on youtube where you'd like do an accent oh yeah it was that was a heyday wasn't it and they pull out different accents and have to emulate them so jesse pulls out jamaican and then just makes this really bizarre noise you guys like that didn't think anymore and then and then does a jamaican accent so she does do a Jamaican that wasn't her I don't know she was like warming up

to do a Jamaican accent or something like that she claims it's a noise that little mix make to each other when they're thinking oh okay I mean

come on well for a start they don't think no I'm joking they're lovely girls anyway we put it in the video like really not thinking much of it and then it just became

like shared everywhere yeah we say it at work a lot. Barriende. Barriende. What do you say? Barriende. Barriende.

Barriende. So yeah, I created Barriende. You didn't create it. I created Barriende. Oh my God. Okay. And I was in a lot of trouble when it became what it became. So as you can see, we've all touched the zeitgeist in our own ways.

Barriende. Craig Smith wants to know, the podcast is obviously based on Jamie's dad's passion for writing, but if it was a podcast about James and Alice's parents' hobbies, what would they be and what would it be about? That's quite easy for me, I think, because, you know, my mum is a, she's a keen allotmenteer. Yes.

So I think it would probably be a gardening podcast uh she grows all the marrows all the aubergines she's got a kind of lovely sultry scottish accent so yeah i think that she could do quite a nice nice gardening one as i was saying it i was like please don't do this without me somehow can i be a producer on it thanks what would my dad do um uh what's he play tennis or squash yeah he does play tennis yeah and he's a huge chelsea football fan can those two things marry somehow maybe a sports podcast i knew there was a word for it james um nigel's gonna be how to make saurine yeah eating copious amounts of saurine or um he does love a cross stitch he loves sewing

he once sewed an f1 car oh which i think he's had mounted on the wall my parents are big f1 fans not a life size those circle things that you stitch that's cool he liked that my mum what does my mum like doing playing on the ipad candy crush on the ipad also because she do a kind of twitching sort of ip iPad twitching podcast? So she's doing one about watching other people on iPads too? Oh, Twitch. It's not twitching. It's Twitch.

Oh, was that? Am I talking about the bird watching? Okay. Twitch. Oh, she could set up a Candy Crush Twitch. Yeah, she could make a fortune. Oh, that'd be good. Well, when this all wraps up,

at least we've got avenues to explore. My mum had an allotment. My mum played Candy Crush. my stepdad did a needlepoint I've got one here that says are Jamie and Alice dating? cats out of the bag we are busted is it that obvious?

I wouldn't say dating just bumping uglies oh that's really not pleasant they cannot keep their hands off each other yeah I don't think we'd just bumping uglies. Oh, hot, hot, hot. That's really not pleasant. They cannot keep their hands off each other. Yeah, I don't think we'd be that compatible, would we? I think we'd have a very fiery relationship.

Very passionate. The highs would be high and the lows would be low. Some days we don't speak. But my God, the kissing would be bitey. Oh my God, how much would I have to pay you to kiss me? It's too weird. You're like one of my sisters now. It's utterly odd, isn't it?

Yeah. But James, you wouldn't have to pay me in planning. There's not enough money in the world. I think round this table, most likely to kiss, Jamie and James. Give me a little kiss. Vera wants just to be reminded of something. She says, Jamie mentioned at some point that he knows someone who has an expression to describe a shit degree.

Something about a left toe? What was it? Vera, I will tell you. It is a degree in cake icing and Morris dancing from the University of Eleftonia. I love that. I still use that. Big shout out to my mum's friend, Jane, for that one. Brilliant.

Someone said, not a question, just wanted to say hi from a smug swing dancer. Oh. Remember we mentioned that earlier in the series. Well, you did. So smug. Honestly, so smug. Hello to you, Katie. Des Martin's support group has asked, what's your fave juzz abbre rocky flintstone oh yes okay so this is your dad's

preferred reply structure which is just j-u-s apostrophe plus a verb like just saying like just doing um i have two um he was once talking about i think someone asked what his favorite meal was or something he said turkey sandwich, turkey sandwich, just champing. Oh, yes. That was a good one. Which is a good one. And then someone asked him if he was ever drunk when he wrote the books. And he just said, just hicking.

I love him. Sarah wants to know, how did you three meet? Yeah, I've seen that a few times that's a good one um well we all met at university the university of leeds yes um at different times i met you both separately and then we kind of somehow all became and then we met through you i think yeah you you brought us all together me i'm the connective tissue um well i met jamie at a halloween party yes you did uh james hated me the first time no no a Halloween party. Yes, you did. James hated me the first time he met me. No, no, no.

I didn't hate you. Yes, you did. You actively despised me. How do you actively despise someone? I don't know, but he did. No, Jamie was just at this party. It was around Freshers' Week. We were all quite YouTube-ers to me.

And Jamie was just being really funny, and everyone loved Jamie. And I was just like, who's this guy? He's a bit mouth he's a bit full of it full of himself um and then we ended up walking home together yeah really really early in the morning i was was your blazer draped over james's shoulders it was the most special night of my life i didn't know that he was gay at the time actually neither Neither did he. He just liked cuddling boys. It came up on me all of a sudden.

But actually there's a weird thing about the first time that we met because, and I'm not proud of this actually, but. You are. No I'm actually not. The night that we walked home. Are we so proud of this? I just remembered all this. There was a kind of like a pile of road paint on the pavement which had been spilled by someone. And I was like, oh, we should, I was really shit-faced.

I was like, we should like write our names on the pavement so that, you know, we'll always remember this night. And I was like, who's this fucking maverick? And so I like got like a takeaway leaflet and like dipped it in this, but I just wrote Jamie on the pavement in Leeds, outside the Parkinson building, which is quite a big landmark in the city. And then I went to write James's name underneath and I got as far as the little J and he was like, I think our names are similar enough actually and just pushed me into the road. James, you're such a goody two-shoes. Did you not want to be there for time and memoriam?

Well, I mean, it's not wise, is it, to graffiti with your own name? No, probably not. But I do have photographic evidence of the actual art installation and has it endured for as long as the friendship no it's long gone now i think i think it's disappeared sorry the friendship or the writing oh that's quite sad yeah yeah it's all gone sorry about that so uh get over it um and then i met alice on a bus once you were friends with my friend well you were friends with my friend right sure and alice was like really funny and i was like oh she's funny sounds about right embarrassed whipping about something or other and then didn't really think much more of it and then i bumped into her one day and he fell in love with me

and then we kind of got to know each other and you thought we were dating for a while no i didn't i did think that for a little bit but that is because you gave me all the signals there was one night I was in my flat and I got a text from Alice saying oh can I come on over and borrow a DVD I was basically which was a ruse I mean it was all a ruse I was a blockbuster back then like everyone used to come and borrow my DVDs and stuff like that put on my best chapstick and wandered over there. So I opened the door and it's Alice. I thought it was an Alice in my building who had frequently borrowed DVDs from me. And was much cooler than me.

And he was really excited to lend it to her. And then he actually opened the door and went, oh, it's you. What was the DVD out of interest? Garden State. Oh God, that's so, that is so 2005. Did I ever give it back? you think you did i think i've still got it in my collection to this day you can borrow it whenever you like it was the last dvd

ever returned um yeah you weren't you weren't very happy but then to be fair we did forge a friendship and some of the best dates i've ever been on we uh watched titanic together one night and that many nights um yeah we were inseparable romantically um and then i guess we just kind of yeah i don't know i don't remember meeting you no i don't remember which one are you again and the one whose dad wrote a porno oh yeah people talk about you a lot yeah um i think we met end of first year yeah well i can't really remember you not being there that's it's not that I don't remember meeting you it's that I don't remember not knowing you yeah yeah yeah I feel similar um Gareth has asked when did the singing start on the podcast and how soon can it

be stopped Gareth you sassy little minx well actually I have always enjoyed singing um no one has enjoyed hearing you you've probably noticed that my voice is um actually i think got more sultry with age um as the podcast has progressed i feel like it's become it's kind of more textured than ever does sultry mean bad is it another word for bad tone deaf yeah tone deaf yes oh you guys are out of your minds. I can't sing either, I will admit to it. James thinks he can sing, but can't. It's flat as you like. Are you joking me? Oh, can't I?

No, I should stop singing. What did he say? He hates the singing. Yeah, it got quite a few likes as well. I actually think that Gareth is talking about you, James. Okay, no more singing then. Screw you lot. I have a question from Katie, and this has come up quite a lot, actually.

I've seen this question bobbing around. Does anyone know what happened to belinda's fledgling used knickers business genuinely think she was onto something she was onto something i think well i think maybe they were just favors you know i think they were just kind of she was currying favor with favors oh okay so it's a one-off it was a little kind of um memento remember me you know keep them sweet make sure that she's kind of greasing those business contacts so we might not see that reappear yeah i wouldn't hold your breath on that one katie a lot of people can we just kibosh this now like a lot of people asking similar questions like has rocky's writing influenced your sexual behavior

in any way no yeah of course not what are you on about has it to anyone if we tracked it would we say generally as a three having more or less sex since the since the reading of the books now i think about it more but worse yeah more but worse no um ryan has said um this is a question for you james actually uh when spoon was introduced we got our first potentially bisexual character and even though it's probably not going to happen, if you could choose two male characters from the books that could have an affair

who would they be? Oh, excellent question, Ryan. I'm so glad you asked this. I guess it would have to be Marco or Rita. I knew you were going to say that. Should we guess who the other one would be? I'm going to say the youngish man. I was going to say Butch the sunburned kid. Oh. He's a twunk. No Peter Rouse. Oh yeah. Just because I think

they're both good looking guys. Peter Rouse has got what I like to think of as like a really good dad bod. No no didn't wasn't he described as having like a six pack or something but he's older isn't he i see the thing is i always imagine all the men as dumpy like balls right but i think recently i've tried to get past that and actually go with what rocky's actually described and yeah peter ross had a six pack yeah marco riguez sexy gorgeous had that voice that was so well so well received um everyone fancies Origes. Yeah, Hayley Atwell said that she quite liked Origes. Yeah, those two. Origes and Rouse.

Okay, good choices. I find that very arousing. Alice, I have one for you from Vicky. Does Alice like A&L and why? And why? It's such a good question. Which I'm assuming you're not going to answer. My answer is fourfold. And why? It's such a good question. Which I'm assuming you're not going to answer. My answer is fourfold.

And why? Yeah, it was the why that I found so funny about it. Like a blind date question. Yeah, exactly. What's your name and where do you come from? Let's have a recap from our Graham. Steve wants to know, is it time for Belinda Blink the musical? Oh.

I mean, yeah. I think so. Alice as all of the characters. Oh my God. I'd love to make it into a musical. Yeah. I think we have to at some point. Imagine the stuff you could write songs about.

Pots and pans rhymes with so much. It does. Couscous evaporators. Ten points if you can rhyme that with something good. The Duchess could do like a big ballady number about dildos or something like that. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Dildos.

That's what I've got to say about. We'll workshop that. That's a good start though. Good. So Duffy, not sure if this is the songstress, but Duffy wants to know questions for Alice Levine and James Cooper. Have your parents met Rocky Flintstone? And if so, what do they talk about?

I don't know if they have, actually. My parents have met Rocky. Yeah, my parents love your parents, actually. My parents love your parents. Well, that's good, you're getting married then, isn't it? I guess they'll see each other on the big day. How have your parents never met mine

that's insanity surely at a show because sometimes the Flintstones come to a live show but they've never been at the same show I don't think

on purpose oh no one of our early ones they must have been in the same room but we used to live with each other for years like how had they

never met that's mad have they met I don't know I don't know fuck let's rectify that shall we

shall we have a little shall we have like a big Christmas, all of our parents... Everyone's family around the table. Oh my goodness. We can absolutely try it. I mean, your family will be taking up half the table.

There's so many Flintstones. Gabriel says, will you please admit, Jamie, that Rocky Flintstone knows about anal play? Michelle says, will you please say it as well? Alyssa says, just say it, Jamie.

Johnny says, say my dad is an expert in anal play and that's why I don't have 17 siblings. Karen says, will you please say it as well? Alyssa says, just say it, Jamie. Johnny says, say my dad is an expert in anal play and that's why I don't have 17 siblings. Karen says, just say it. Eric says, say it. Penny says, say it. John Massey's asked. Just say it. Jamie, just say it.

I go, what are you asking me to say? My dad is an expert in anal play. Well, for a start, he's not an expert in anything. Sorry, just say, for a start, he's not an expert in anal play and then we've got all the words we need. Look, I just don't think I need to say it. I think his writing really says it all. Speaks for itself.

So you're saying he is an expert in anal play? No, have you read the book? Just say it. We're not going to have this fight every week. Craigie has a question. Do you worry that Rocky might get too big for his boots and hire a replacement cast for his readings? he'd want to he'd love it who do you think you'd fire first me no you're essential to the title yeah i think me no i think me no someone once told me i'm the michelle of the

podcast that is what does that mean sorry well you're beyonce because it can't happen without you oh great i'm kelly roland she's kelly roland oh this is destiny's child yeah because she's such That is... What does that mean, sorry? Well, you're Beyonce because it can't happen without you. Oh, great. I'm Kelly Rowland because... She's Kelly Rowland because... Oh, this is Destiny's Child. Yeah, because she's such a funny woman. And I'm Michelle because I'm surplus to requirements. James, we all love you. You're the most popular one, I'm sure.

And also, she does have a number one gospel album. Does she? Yeah. But Jamie... I hate saying that. Yeah. Like it's a bad thing. No, I'm impressed.

I'm saying, like, don't scoff. He's been BAFTA nominated that's true he's a whole production team the Michelle of the podcast but wait it definitely would be me because Jamie as we've just established

you're in the title James you're the favourite even more than Jamie you're the son that Rocky never had and he thinks I'm a troublemaker and he isn't wrong

he'd get rid of me inaker. And he isn't wrong. He'd get rid of me in an instant. If I wasn't a girl, I'd be out on my arse. Oh, God. Well, that was a bit of a comprehensive overview. I think that's enough now, yeah? I think it's too much. They were really good, though.

They were fun. Thanks for the question. Sorry if we didn't get round to yours. Yeah, we should do this again, actually. We should leave them wanting more, which was about ten minutes ago. Okay, bye. Love you.