My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Calling Belinkers

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

Jamie, James and Alice try something new and call listeners to chat about their theories, funny stories and favourite moments of the 'Belinda Blinked' saga Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Now, before we start, James, the world has been on tenterhooks. Did you go on your second dump date? What happened with that? Oh yeah, your last last day first last day yeah what's it called um so i was going to and then he texted me like two hours before and cancelled are you joking wait you don't think he heard did you i i don't think so but yeah like literally left me hanging until two hours before and then made some like lame excuse.

Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, frankly, because don't go back. Well, now the problem is he's got one of my jumpers. So I'm going to have to meet him at some point to get my jumper back. Wait, is that why we're still friends? Because I've got your blue jumper. Yeah, because you keep so many of my bloody clothes. Do you still have that jumper? Yeah.

Fuck off. He didn't want it back. He said I stretched it, which I think is, to be fair, rude. So long story short, he's playing quite the game and I just want my jumper back. Well, I'm sorry about that. But back to today's footnotes. We're doing something quite different, aren't we guys? Yeah, this is a first.

Yeah, five series deep and we've realised that we've never spoken to any of you. Yeah, that's an oversight. So we asked you to send us your phone numbers because we thought it'd be fun to have a little chat it's nice to talk to people sometimes isn't it i feel like all they ever do is talk to you too well yeah at this point series five we're sick to the back teeth of each other when we sit here every night we might as well freshen up the relationship you know it's like when a marriage goes stale and rather than add sex toys into the equation we just thought we'd get some you know more company new voices yeah new voices um and these guys don't know that we're going to be calling prepare for the sound of underwhelmament is that a word or dial tones yeah or people doing that thing that they do when they

can't talk but you can where they're like yep okay it's like just say i can't talk right now because if they're at work what are they going to do oh yeah quite geographers are calling right okay are we ready for our first caller yes this is exciting it is hello hi is that helen this is alice james and jamie from my dad wrote a porno you're joking we're not joking this is insane i just got off the treadmill and i'm sweating like a hog my life life is officially made. Helen, are you a yank? I'm a yank. Well, I'm a Boston Red Sox fan, so don't tell anyone that I'm actually a yank. Yes, I'm a yank. Oh my goodness. Rocky would be over the moon. Where are we talking to you from right now? You're talking to me from the floor of the gym in my office in Soho, New York City.

Yes, NYC. So how can we help? Oh gosh, well how can you not help? You guys are the reason I'm getting married in two months. What? How? I know. So I was on a dating app and I met this amazing guy named Dan and I went on a couple dates with him and he is great and I really liked him and he kind of ghosted me for a while. And here's the thing. He is a Brit. He's from Portsmouth, UK.

He went home for a couple of weeks. And after a month of him ghosting me, I was like, this is my Hail Mary. I'm going to throw it up. I threw it up. And I was like, Hey,

haven't heard from you in a while, but have you listened to my dad wrote a porno and he immediately wrote back and was like I thought that was only an English thing didn't realize it made it across the pond let's meet up for drinks when I'm back and I was like cha-ching

done fast forward three years we're getting married December 14th oh my god that's amazing I know porn brought you together porn brought us together it's what keeps us together it's what's gonna make our marriage strong we are so excited are you gonna base your wedding on giselle's wedding any tips from the books i think we're gonna have everybody hold pots and pans of course and i think i'm gonna incorporate pomegranates into the centerpieces because it's december it's red oh very festive it's perfect actually my maid of honor um cross

stitched me a pillow for my birthday last summer and it says jake ass and tits no yes oh my god we've got an uber fan on our hands i know super insane and proud i'm a proud blinker you really are the best part is that she she was cross-stitching it on the new york city subway and somebody sitting next to her saw it and was like what the fuck is this girl doing and they took a picture of it and sent it to like a famous new york instagram called um people of the subway so she was featured without her knowledge cross-stitching jay gavin tith and like half the people were like oh my god dad wrote a porno and half the people were like who is this insane woman cross-stitching literally an ass with a thong and a piece of meat on the New York City subway. Helen, we're coming to the Big Apple next year.

Yes. Can you spread the word for us? Because I have it on relatively good authority that Rocky Flintstone will be attending our show at Radio City Music Hall. And we just want to make sure that he gets the welcome that he deserves. We will roll out the proverbial red carpet or the blue sticky carpet. Whatever one you want. We'll go nuts. We'll have caipirinhas.

Oh my God, yes. I mean, he's going to love it. I love Helen. Helen was great. She's getting married because of Belinda Blinked That's crazy Do we think we're invited? It's implicit

Of course we are I'm going to buy a hat Next one Another one Let's do it again Hi is that Sam? Yes hi Hello

Hi Sam It's James, Jamie and Alice From My Dad Wrote a Porno Oh my god This is not happening. Hi, Sam. Oh my God, James. Hi there.

How are you guys doing? Good. Where are you? I'm at home, actually. I'm watching Netflix. Oh, you're having a Netflix and chill? Yeah. But where in the world are you, Sam?

Actually, I'm living in Holland, but I'm actually Belgian. So I crossed over. Oh, you're Belge, as Rocky would say. Yeah, like Alphonse Sterbacher. He was Belge, wasn't he? He was. I'm so sad that you're not coming to Brussels with your tour. I have to travel all the way to Amsterdam to see you.

What a little holiday for you, Sam. It'd be nice of you to get out of the house and not watch Netflix, quite frankly. So, Sam, what do you want to talk about? Well, gay sex, I suppose. Okay. Gay sex. Oh, it's one of those calls.

He is straight in there. As Sam lies in the dark with his laptop open. Sam is not watching Netflix. No, but for real, though, I'm really bummed out that rocky hasn't even touched on the subject nothing else but rimming which is not exclusively gay from if you ask me so no it isn't of course um we don't like to use the word rimming when it comes to my father uh no yeah you're right he hasn't ever had male on male sex and i don't want to kind of burst your bubble Sam

but I'm not sure it's ever going to happen in these books to be honest I'm with Sam I'm a bit disappointed but because your dad's a like hetero man

tends to write about things he's more his fantasies well not fantasies you don't like using the F word either James I mean these are books of his fantasies or things that he's experienced

Sam yeah things he's done no he hasn't experienced them either things that he's seen I mean it's not because he hasn't experienced it yet that he can envision it am i right you're so right who which characters could you imagine being engaged in such things who would you like to see if you could pair your favorite two together maybe bill bill from hr yeah oh yes sam now you're

talking doing the dirty with who well actually, actually, to be honest, sometimes I really confuse characters and sometimes I'm imagining James being in the novel. Me? Maybe that's why. Yeah. With Bill from HR? James and Bill from HR, that is the perfect match. I love it.

Dad, get writing that immediately. What a pair of saps. Perfect. I mean, not a no. I'm up for it i bet you are sam has so got your number i love it can you put your hands where we can see them please actually it's funny because i can really relate with uh sam the youngish man because my name is sam and i also had a ridiculous promotion from night guard to manager of a hotel so no you

know awkwardly relatable for the book is that true yeah yeah yeah yes it is so you've gone from the youngish man to the youngish manager you're in the movie you've got a role in the film i'm cast okay what was sam actually doing he He was not watching Netflix. It's not clear, is it? I don't want to speculate, but... He was having some alone time. And do you know what? We interrupted.

He didn't ask to speak to us. Can we call someone else? I think we'd better. Hello? Hello, is that Alina? Yeah. It's my dad wrote a porno here, Jamie, James and Alice. Oh my God, hello! Hello! Hi, Alina! Hi. hello hello is that alina yeah it's my dad wrote a porno here jamie james and alice

oh my god hello hello hi alina hi oh my god this is insane how's it going i'm lost in cologne well apart from that i'm fine you're lost in cologne can we help you i don't know like my my tram's not coming and now i need to go home. Alina, what do you think of Jamie's German accent? Um, well. Come on, come on. Well, I'm not offended by it. I'm not offended by it. That's a good place to start.

It's not bad. I don't like Bish. No, well, I mean, to be fair, that is a character choice. It's really weird as a German to hear that and you're like, so, what's the deal? That's exactly what I was going for. And I feel very sorry for Petra. I know, I'm sorry. Petra really is a really low point. I the deal? That's exactly what I was going for. And I feel very sorry for Petra. I know, I'm sorry. Petra really is a really low point.

I'm sorry. That's okay. I think the Dutch can be more offended. Wow, all right. Like, Jamie, honestly, I really love your accent. And can I just say really quickly, the German you nailed. Really? Did we?

Yeah. Super geil is really a thing we say. Super geil, yes. Means like cool, super cool. Yeah, super cool. Do you think there's any German phrases we should know for the world of Belinda Blinked? Anything Rocky could benefit from? Like pornographic phrases or normal phrases?

How do you say, check out my pots and pans? Schau dir mein Mann ein Töffel und Pfannen an. Oh, that's kind of sexy. Schau dir mal meine Tüfte und Fann an. Oh, that's kind of sexy. Rocky's running out of words for vagina, so he might have to revert to some German words. What German words are there?

Muschi. Muschi. But that's also how you can call your cat. Like it's a name for a cat. Oh, like a pussy. Pussy, pussy, muschi. Yeah, it's like pussy, exactly, yeah. Vagina, that would be a different translation for vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Moo-moo. That's moo-moo. Moo-moo. Yeah, moo-moo. You can say that. Alina, stop shouting moo-moo in the streets. Moo-moo. I'm walking past like a playground.

I shouldn't have done that. That's my tram. That's my tram. Oh, no. I'm sorry. No. I was walking to the next stop and now I missed it. That's my tram. Oh, no. I'm sorry. No. I was walking to the next stop and now I'm in the city. No, Alina, no.

I'm having a great time with you guys. It's fine. Oh, my God. I hope she got home. We owe her cab fare, really. We really should. By rights. This could end up being a very expensive footnote. Or Home Alone 3.

Lost in Cologne. I could do this all night. Me too. Should we do another one? Yeah. Okay. Hello? Hello, who's that?

It's Jo, who's that? Hi Jo, it's James, Jamie and Alice from My Dad Wrote a Porno. Fuck off, no it is not. Hi Jo! Hello. Get back! Come on, it's the front door. Oh my God, let me go to somewhere I Jo. Hello. Look at me. Come to the front door. Oh, my God.

Let me go to somewhere I can hear you. How are you? Oh, my God. I am amazing now. Oh, my God. Hello. Hi, Jo. What are you up to?

I'm with my good friend, Emily. Hello. Hi, Emily. Hi, Emily. We've come to our local bar where we often come and drink and discuss. Oh, God. You know, everything. Everything.

And everything. So, Jo, tell the bling. Everything. And everything's bling. So, Jo, tell us a bit about yourself. I pack men's underwear for a living. Oh, that's a very saucy job. Nice work if you can get it. I've learned so much business from Rocky. I'm ready for my presentation at the O2 Millennium Zone building.

Oh, Jo, I can hear you're ready. Listen, I've seen some of your drawings of Belinda. I feel like I could play her. I know we're spouses and we could definitely play Garamima. Oh, you are Garamima St Frost first all over, girls. Come on. Honest to God, we're there whenever you need us to be on set to play the minor roles. Wow, well, that was literally like talking to Belinda and Bella.

Well, it was, it was. Should we do another one? Absolutely. I'm glad they've got your number, James, not mine. Okay, another one. Dan. Hey. Hi, it's James, Jamie and Alice from My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Hiya. That's so cool. Okay. How are you? I'm great, thank you. Where are you in the world? am in vancouver right now you don't sound like a native canadian no i'm a brazilian but i live here do you know it you're a brazilian and you know it right i know it very well all right so dan what do you want to talk

about yeah i wanted to ask about this thing rocky has for brazil i don't know if that affected Jamie in any way growing up. Do you know what? I've never seen my dad happier than when he's in Brazil. It kind of fills his heart with so much love. He really should have been Brazilian, I feel. Are you happy to accept Rocky as an honorary Brazilian? Oh, of course. I give him the official Brazilian of a feel of acceptance. Oh, fantastic. That's, I mean, that's all we ever wanted and I'm sure all he ever wanted. Well, he can say now that Brazil officially likes him back. Exactly, yeah. Dan, how do we say goodbye in Portuguese? You can say beus.

Beus. Beus. Or tchau is easier. Tchau. We'll go with tchau. We'll go with tchau. Tchau. Tchau.

Does that now make Rocky the king of Brazil? I hope so. He'd love that. Are you kidding me? Is it easier? Ciao. We'll go with ciao. We'll go with ciao. Ciao. Does that now make Rocky the king of Brazil? I hope so. He'd love that. Are you kidding me? He probably already thinks he is the king of Brazil. He can wrap that flag around him in pride now. Either that or when he gets to the airport one of these days,

they're going to be like, sorry, sir. Could you just come this way? Right, tap in some more digits. Okay. I'm hoping this is Ali. It's Alice, James and Jamieie from my dad wrote a porno oh my gosh hi come on then what's on your mind get it off your chest well i think quite intentionally rocky has managed to create this like world that i think is pretty awesome everyone is queer or is just open to any experience with any person ever and no one ever has to come out and i think that he thinks that anything to do with sex is sexy regardless

of what it is but it's like very refreshing to be like well of course these two women would have sex with each other because why not it's kind of like where we want to get to as a society eventually you know no one has to come out no one has to kind of like where we want to get to as a society eventually, you know, no one has to come out, no one has to kind of define themselves. Are you saying Belinda Blinked is the world you want to live in? I mean, maybe not the world that I want to live in. Although, I mean, maybe, I mean, the world of Belinda Blinked, everything is very consensual. So like, maybe I would live in that world. I would just say no a lot. Exactly. Everyone's very respectful and everyone, you know, is sex positive.

But they've all got so much energy because sometimes she'd just be like, I want to go to bed tonight. I just want a night in. Yeah. Watching telly. Not Belinda. No.

I think it's just, you know, her work life and her private life have always been the same thing. Yeah, the work life balance is terrible. And also, I don't think she has any friends. But my God, is she having good sex she's got great colleagues though hasn't she she loves those colleagues friends are all of her sexual partners like there's there's a complete overlap the world is her fuck buddy yeah exactly

people have got to stop legitimizing dad don't elevate him honestly getting worrying now your dad is an ally for the LGBTQ community. He is, actually. He is. He should have a float at the next Pride event. Can everyone calm down? Just call that next number. Go on. Is that Connor? Yeah, speaking.

Hi, Connor. It's James, Jamie and Alice from My Dad Wrote a Porno. Hi, Connor. Hey, mate. Oh, hello. It's James, Jamie and Alice from My Dad Wrote a Porno. Hi, Connor. Hey, mate. Oh, hello. Are you on the run, Connor? You sounded very suspicious. I'm always acting suspiciously. You're a fugitive.

Connor, where are you in the world? Where are we calling you? I'm in Dublin, Ireland. You're in Dublin. Oh, we're coming to Dublin on the tour. Yeah, you were there before, but I didn't get to see you, unfortunately. But I'm hoping to get to the next one.

Well, we'll be looking for you, so you better be there. So, Conor, what's your most confusing part of Rocky Flintstone's work? Where do you just come a cropper every time? I think the most confusing thing is the fact that he gets these phrases so wrong. Even the gentleman's woof. I've never heard of anything called a fart a gentleman something or something before where is he getting this phrase i think my dad sometimes kind of tries to palm it off as being an irish thing but you're saying it is definitely categorically not an irish

thing oh god no no there's nothing irish about a gentleman's book or anything else like that and if he says it's irish i think he's just covering up that he just picked two random words out of a bucket. What a smart man. Do you think your dad knows him? Everyone in Ireland knows each other, right? Oh, yeah, sure, of course. It's probably... Do you think it was Rocky? Dad's Northern Irish, James.

Northern Irish. Guys, the last one on my list is a bit of a curveball. I'm not going to lie. More of a curveball than these ones. Oh, just you wait. Hi, is that Pastor Julia? Oh my God, yes. Yes, it is.

Well, it's Jamie, James and Alice and my dad wrote a porno in case you didn't know. Holy shit, let me pull my car over so I don't get anyone in my excitement. Now I'm parked. Great. Wait, are pastors allowed to my excitement. Now I'm parked. Great. Wait, are pastors allowed to say holy shit? I believe so.

The Lord made the words, right? Right. I do not deny the vocabulary that God has created. Precisely. And can we just say, Julia, where are you in the world? I am in Montana in the United States. Rocky hasn't written about Montana yet, but I mean, time will tell. How can we help you, Julia?

Let's see. Long-time listener, first-time caller, this is my first confession. I'm very surprised that blue semen notwithstanding, everyone's body seems to work outside of the realms of any sort of normal biology. No one's ever menstruating. True. And no one ever needs lube and and so i'm just very curious about where in the world and how this happens two very broad questions there what is the meaning of life basically no one ever says oh i'm gonna lay a towel down or i'd like to cry off right now or well she had hoped to but she stayed home with

a hot water bottle and a few aspirins and watched the movie because it just wasn't a good night sister you are preaching to the choir yes you're right there should there should be some mention um and as a woman of faith Julia I wonder has God ever nodded at? I have felt God nod at me. Mostly, I've felt moments of joy where I thought, I'm certainly where I'm meant to be right now. And I'm imagining that's what Belinda felt and perceived as God nodding at her. It is interesting to me that Belinda seems to be the only one who prays, and she has a whole pantheon of deities whom she consults. But at least she's consulting a

deity occasionally it's nice to know that not all the characters think they make it all happen themselves and she has quite like you say quite the uh plethora of people that she can call upon the norse gods right do you know much about the norse gods julia I can't say that I do that's not usually what people come to me for no true true but Belinda seems to be tuned into her own pantheon and they guide her into now's the time to use your tools be they lids potions or what have you she gets the job done there's some method in the madness um Pastor Julia I had a question uh belinda went to heaven for a bit um and she saw obviously nelson mandela talking to her bassoon teacher is that how you picture it having not played the bassoon i don't think so but uh um i try not to think about it

because to me heaven isn't any part of my job my work is to make lives better here I think perhaps in moments of missing people I look forward to being reunited with them in some capacity but I don't know how that will be so I don't worry about it that is so profound yeah unfortunately that's not how Rocky sees it and he thinks he can see into every reality and every dimension. And he's, you know, he's got his representation for everything. There's also not much point in worrying about it because Belinda got chucked right back out again. So even if you are there for a bit, you might not stay. Right.

And let's remember that we're talking to a representative of the Christian clergy. But Judaism has a concept of repairing the world. of the Christian clergy, but Judaism has a concept of repairing the world. And perhaps Rocky is just immensely concentrated on repairing his section of the world, of making sure there is adequate, mysterious, and erotic, and humorous reading for us all in what can be a bleak time. That's a great way to look at it. Julia, you're a very smart woman and also an enabler stop making excuses for rocky please uh julia it's been absolutely lovely talking to you thank you for pulling over we're glad you're safe blessings to all of you in your in your excellent work

oh thank you so much well on that note uh i don't think we can better Pastor Julia I'm obsessed with Pastor Julia She was just heaven on a hat stand Wasn't she? Amen That was fun So fun We need to do it again

I actually think we should I prefer it to just doing it with you two You were so giddy throughout Thanks to everyone we spoke to And sorry to everybody we spoke to at work Yeah