My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Dear Joan & Jericha

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

As a Christmas Day treat, spoof agony aunts Joan & Jericha (from comedy podcast 'Dear Joan & Jericha' starring Julia Davis and Vicki Pepperdine) join Jamie, Alice and James to offer their unique take on our listeners' sex and relationship dilemmas. WARNING - Do not follow this advice. It's all a bit of fun and not to be taken seriously. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and bad advice. But seriously, don't follow any of this. It's all a bit of fun. Merry Christmas and welcome to a very special festive footnotes of my dad wrote a porno. On this joyous Christmas day, we are joined by the outrageous and legendary agony aunts, Joan Damery and Jerrica Domain, authors of the hilarious Why He Turns Away, Do's and Don'ts from Dating to Death, and their award-winning comedy podcast, Dear Joan and Jerrica. Hello. Hello. Ding dong, merri and Jerrica. Hello. Hello.

Ding dong, Merrily on high. There he is. How are you both? Fantastic. Wonderful. Absolutely fantastic. Stuff to the gills. Yes.

I've had 17 schooners of sherry and just having another champagne now. Yes, it's gorgeous. Wonderful. Do you both enjoy this time of year? I love it. I mean, I love to wear my most slutty outfits at this time of the year, as you can see. And yeah, just make a day of it really,

a crimble day. I'm not so keen. Unfortunately, Cardinal has about 37 people that she invites around and she said she's not going to let coronavirus stop her Christmas. Thank you very much. So I've got a house full of guests and I'm basically going around clothed in a big sort of giant plastic bag with holes in it to try and keep off some of this blooming virus

but anyway she's she's lording it down in the basement with lord knows what so all a bit grim wonderful well you're both doing a very good thing today because you're offering your professional expertise to help both us, but also the listeners who've been sending in their wide ranging concerns and conundrums. Yeah, we've had a lot of problems sent in and we didn't realise quite how messed up our audience was and they really, really need your help today. So I'm really glad you're here.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, there's so many troubled people out there and Christmas Day really brings out the the bigger issues for everybody so yes and lots of nasty infections and what have you tend to develop around this time of year as well. They will flare up over Christmas dinner. They fester don't they because people keep their houses so warm and yeah there's a lot going on um but we thought we would kick off with something a bit closer to home actually. Yeah because you because, you know, from the day dot, really, from this podcast, Alice and James have really recommended me to talk to somebody

about the fact that my dad has written a porno, you know. And I've been reading his sexual fantasies. I don't like the F word, but fantasies. But over five years now, I'm just worried, is this going to have long-term psychological damage? I think it's actually very, very healthy. I mean, I love your dad's writing, for one thing. I think it's absolutely gorgeous,

and I've certainly used it in many of my lovemaking sessions. Oh, really? Absolutely. It's stunning. And I think, don't you, Jerrica, that it's a good thing for a father and son to share this kind of thing? Oh, absolutely. I mean, we know very many don't we joan very many fathers and sons who swap uh pornographic literature um obscene videos

opinions about other people's girlfriends and wives things all terribly healthy and just keeps the whole sort of uh life life cycle moving as it were um and of course a lot of mums teach young lads about these sort of things as well. So, you know, parents can get involved, the more the merrier. Yes, get your mum to write a porno. Oh, that's going to be happening any time soon. Well, am I writing in thinking that one of you

have written erotic literature? Yes, I've penned a few in my time. And yes, so I'm all for it absolutely Is there anything that Jamie should avoid or you think just being an open mind you think actually that the more that they can share in that department the better

I do I think so Yes absolutely and I think in fact if Jamie you started writing perhaps some letters to your father explaining what your own personal fantasies are and it could be a healthy red-blooded exchange of thoughts and feelings

you know men are very very shy often about their own proclivities shall we say and it could be a healthy red-blooded exchange of thoughts and feelings. You know, men are very, very shy often about their own proclivities, shall we say, and it's wonderful to get to that level of communication. Yeah, it's definitely opened up the dialogue between us about many things. So it's been nice to bond with him, for sure. And Christmas Day is a day when you could maybe take a bath with him or something like that. Yes, absolutely. Thank you for that image, Joan. That's lovely. Yeah, I'll come back to you on that one, Joan. Thank you. is a day when you could maybe take a bath with him or something like that yes absolutely thank

you for that image joan that's that's lovely yeah i'll come back to you on that one uh joan thank you uh but we do have listener problems yeah that was simply a little freebie that we thought we'd throw in there while we had you here but um we should jump into the listener thoughts and questions um and this one comes from we'll just say lydia lydia writes i have vaginismus which means my body doesn't really want anything going into my vag kind of makes my sex life a little drab any advice on how to spice things up without having a lot of unnecessary pain so this condition that we pronounce vaginismus or vaginismus which is the more extreme version the sister version yes that's uh again this time of year it can really take off um when the vagina just clamps completely shut like a vice doesn't it

with yes and uh we've talked about this before and there's also vaginismus which is a condition which unfortunately a lot of feminists suffer from these days miserable vagina really yeah it's miserable sounds very christmassy we wish you a vaginismus. Yes, a little. Certainly mistletoe and mustiness. It's a sort of combo of those two things, really, isn't it? Yeah, sadly, we do know a lot of ladies with this vaginismus, or as Joan says, this vaginismus. And often there's a condition, which is another condition

very much related to this, which is vagidente mismusnessness. With the toothy vagina. Indeed, where the vagina actually grows teeth. And that, of course, is quite a troubling thing for a young fellow when he's nudging around there with his engorged organ and suddenly gets the end snipped off. A bit of a nasty surprise. But yes, this Lydia lady, I think probably the truth is that she's trying to put men off. She's probably

subconsciously not really wanting intercourse and urgently needs to go to her GP to get some therapy. She does say in her longer letter that I've just snatched to have a quick look at that she has tried lots of carrots, different veg and so forth going up there. Do you think that's a good idea, Jerrica? Well, absolutely. I mean, we know the old aubergine trick, don't we, Jo, where you use one end, the smaller end, and then gradually work up to use the larger end. You can use common gourds for this, of course, as well, and pumpkins if you're feeling adventurous. Also, something you often recommend is to sort of woo yourself, isn't it? And sort of light a few candles. This is a lovely day to have a glass of bubbly and

that's it just start smearing uh sort of oils over yourself and that might get that door that downstairs door opening up a wee bit these wonderful shea butters and uh in fact you'd use cornish butter if you haven't got any shea butter lovely with big lumps of salt in it i suppose it's like it's like oil on a hinge isn't it You're just trying to sort of loosen WD-40 really isn't it We've also spoken before that the clitoris Hangs off a hinge, so there are hinges

Down there if you care to look And today's a good day to treat it I suppose Because there's a lot of root vegetables around the house A lot of oils and butters like you were mentioning Absolutely, and there's all those veg that people do Brandy batter All the sprouts that no one wants to eat You can make use of all these things A lot of oils and butters like you were mentioning. Absolutely. And there's all those veg that people do. Brandy butter. Brandy butter.

All the sprouts that no one wants to eat. You know, you can make use of all these things. Get a bit creative. Chuck it all in. Have a go. And just don't be so uptight about it. I mean, she's obviously a very uptight lady. Lydia, I hope that helps.

I feel like there's a lot of practical advice there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope she was taking notes. There's a lot of, yeah. Lovely. The next conundrum is anonymous um it says my husband and i play alphabet fucking we choose a letter of the alphabet and we have to choose a sex act beginning with that letter it's my turn i picked zed and i'm stuck any ideas and that's from anon that's from anon yeah um what do you think well funny you should ask me

i was going to pop it over to you but first thing that springs to mind probably is the old uh the the zebra whack which uh i think you i know you've had a lot of experience with that yes absolutely well then of course philip came back with this idea of this zebra whack he'd been he'd been over in um in africa and on the african continent uh to do some charity work and he came back and he was very excited and said could of this zebra whack. He'd been over in Africa, on the African continent to do some charity work. And he came back and he was very excited

and said, could we try this zebra whack out? And it turns out it's very closely related to the donkey punch. Only you put on a stripy jumper and bend over. And, you know,

Philip had an iron bar, I seem to remember, but he didn't use it too, it wasn't too harsh. He said he tapped you with it a few times and then got faster. That's it. And when I seem to remember but he didn't use it too too it wasn't too harsh he said he tapped you with it a few times and then yes and that's it when I came to um I'd had six orgasms apparently so it does work yeah yes wonderful so they could try that um zoo sex of course you just go around a zoo and have sex in front of monkeys they're always keen to show off their

genitals aren't they so absolutely I always feel so included with the monkeys because they'll throw bananas and feces at the the glass panel and yes you know they're baring their teeth i think they're smiling when they do that someone said it's them being very angry and aggressive but um well it's the same flip of the other coin isn't it joan as we know i love it when a man bears his teeth during sex so absolutely yes and eats an apple um like the monkeys do and then ejaculates onto the glass uh in the front of the the uh the zoo cage but uh yeah it's wonderful lots of fun to be had around a zoo yeah um other than that uh go to zimbabwe oh yes it's more of a travel tip than a sex tip isn't it but yeah both both that's i've never heard of that alphabet sex tip, isn't it? But yeah. Bit of both.

Bit of both. I've never heard of that alphabet sex. So when you get to Z, do you just start from the beginning again or that's it? You're just done? Yeah, there'd be a few letters I'd struggle with. X would be another one. Q might be difficult. Quick, quickie. Quiet.

Quickie. Quiet. Queasy. Queasy sex. Queasy sex, one of my favourites. On a boat. well anonymous i hope that helped um next up ladies uh we have this from brenda okay so brenda says that she purposefully doesn't invite guys back to her place because if we have sex my pets will either stare at us doing

it or if i lock them outside the door they they'll scratch and scream outside, wanting to be let in. How can I still have sex whilst keeping my pets? Well, very curious that she doesn't want her pets to be in the room. If they're staring, that's incredibly normal. I think that's a minimal interaction from the pets, really, considering. Yes. I mean, she doesn't say from the pets, really, considering. I mean, she doesn't say what these pets are. I do know that, for example, if there are goldfish involved,

they will have forgotten that anything is going on by the time they've swung around the aquarium anyway. So there's nothing to worry about there. If it's hamsters, small pets, they can just roll around on the bed and join in, can't they, Jay? If it's an elephant, he'll never forget. So obviously that's not ideal if it was too frightening. Yes, and the camel will have the hump. But yes, I don't know.

I mean, a lot of people very much enjoy having their, if it's a little pet dog jumping around. Yeah, they get all excited, don't they? And the wee lipstick penis pops out and everybody's romping around the place. Yeah, there's lots of licky business and uh good boy choccy drop fun to be had so um i'd say let them join in so you'd say it's a compliment i think so i mean the scratching at the door again that can be quite erotic um my husband used to do that when i locked him out when i brought lovers back and i'd hear him scratching and knocking away at the

door and that was part of the fun wasn't it it, Jo? Yes. Wonderful. It just ramps up the tension, really. Yes, yes. I mean, is there something a little bit selfish about sort of locking them out? I mean, that feels... I think so. I think so. It's not inclusive, is it? I mean, don't have pets if you're not going to involve them.

Yes, if you've got them. It's like children. I'm not saying they should be invited into the room, although they don't usually know what's going on as long as they're asleep, but perhaps we won't go there. um but with the animals i do think it's just nice to have them in isn't it a bird say a dog's not just for christmas and it feels like you know if you're going to welcome them into your home yeah three's company you know even if one is an alsatian absolutely and people sleep with their dogs don't they they have them in their bed snuggle up and so yes you know one thing can lead to another.

And they're not shy, these dogs, you know. Often can they be quite a good outbreaker, can't they, Joan? You know, they'll do things that you wouldn't even imagine. They won't bat an eyelid. And they won't look at you in an embarrassed way the next day either. No, they'll just do their usual lovely little look, won't they, those lovely dogs. They're so unjudgmental.

Indeed. Unlike Brenda, by the sounds of it, to lovely dogs. They're so unjudgmental. Indeed. Unlike Brenda, by the sounds of it, to be honest. Yeah, so dear, oh dear. Advice seems to be get over yourself and just get on with it.

The more the merrier. Yes, absolutely. I think also sometimes with these queries and these questions, people are overthinking it. I think so. It's the clarity

that you two bring, you know, your expertise. Bless you. And I think sometimes people just want the permission from us to say, you know, go for it. Go for it. for it yes i think that's what i do absolutely good luck brenda

um the next one um this one comes from katherine and katherine says first name only please um so we've honored that katherine what is her surname incidentally her surname's johnson oh hello there katherine johnson and it looks like she lives in Devon. Oh, hello. So she says, my husband and I are trying to conceive, which means a lot, a lot of sex, usually during a window of five days. How do you keep it fun and not just something that has to get done? Oh, goodness.

These ladies are so very selfish, aren't they, Joan? I mean, you know, she should be having regular sex with her husband, not just these five days. Well, exactly. All the time, anyway. Plenty of oral, plenty of anal and everything in between. I noticed as well in the longer letter that, is this lady called Catherine, did you say? Catherine, yeah. Catherine Johnson, that was it.

Yeah. Her mother's quite an interesting looking lady. I'm thinking perhaps she might join in and certainly um you know conduct the proceedings somewhat she may be able to help maybe take some photographs she says in the longer letter she's been wearing lots of different masks and what have you but um that doesn't seem to be working no face masks you mean joe no no just masks of celebrities masks of other people he knows that she thinks he likes you know she's aware that he fancies masks of other people he knows that she thinks he likes. You know, she's aware that he fancies lots of other people. And he said he doesn't fancy her at all.

No. Well, that's tricky, isn't it? I mean, I don't blame him. She's a funny looking lady, isn't she? She's got a picture there. The mum, the mum actually, Joan, is a much nicer looking lass, isn't she? Isn't she? Yes. She's had some work done, thank goodness. And she looks halfway decent.

Might have dealt with the crossed eyes, but she's nice looking generally. She's had some nips and thank goodness, and she looks halfway decent. She might have dealt with the crossed eyes, but she's nice looking generally. She's had some nips and tucks, hasn't she? But this poor old, I've forgotten her name. Catherine? Catherine Zeta-Jones, was it? Catherine Johnson. I beg your pardon. From Devon.

Yes, down in Devon. Lovely down in Devon, of course. That's a nice place to be. It's all the clotted cream. Does it say in the longer letter, you said she uses celebrity masks. Does it say who she's using? Well, this is a problem she's using. She had some leftover ones, so she had Boris Johnson and people like that.

It's Charles. Apparently the Boris one did work, funnily enough. But yes, and then she's trying, you know, everyone from Little Mix right the way through to Carol Vorderman. A lot of guys like her, of course. She's a very sexy lady. And of course, Alfie Bowe is a firm favourite, isn't he, for a celebrity mask.

And then some of the old ones, Cliff Richard, Gary Glitter, firm favourite. Yes, again, she said that was quite effective. So there's lots of options available to Catherine, really. And I think she's probably just focusing her time thinking about her, isn't she? I think there's a common theme here amongst all these ladies writing in, a sort of negativity, a sort of, I can't do it. Oh, I've got to do five days of scheduled sex or, oh, my vagina's closed up.

You know, it's about stepping outside, for goodness sake, pulling your socks up and just getting on with things. Oh, your stockings. Yes, your stockings. And please wear stockings ladies none of these stinky tights all sweaty around your crotches no and clinging on to the poor old vagina who's not not got a hope you know no wonder this first lady had vaginismus and you know she's no doubt bundled up with all sorts of layers of chunky tights and uh woolly this is and goodness knows. I mean, you know, getting all these awful, ghastly infections and they're their own worst enemies, aren't they, Joan?

Absolutely. And a lot of these women, they stuff their pants with these sort of woolen sanitary towels, these big bricks, don't they? Just for no particular reason, really. No, even when they don't have their period, Joan. And no, there's moaning minis, aren't they, really? Get a pair of stockings and some suspenders

and a lovely little thong and you'll notice these things clear up straight away absolutely lovely next conundrum my name is emily again just first names hi emily um my current partner has a fetish that i can't wrap my head around he has a fetish where he likes to be treated like a tiny man, as in two inches tall. Says he wants me to put him in his back pocket and sit on him, put him down my top and suffocate him between my tits. I want to know if this is something you've ever heard of and to give me tips on how to go with it. It's a little off-putting currently where I have to describe how teeny he is during sex. Right.

And this is Emily. This is Emily. Well, this is actually something we are familiar with, isn't it, Jerika? Yes, absolutely. The tiny man syndrome, which is a very sexy, actually a very fun game. I don't know why this Emily lady is objecting so hugely to this. Yes.

Very, very reasonable request from this. Absolutely. With all the, oh, I absolutely with all the oh i love your your tiny penis i love your mini balls the size of tiny pinheads i love your your wee anus i mean it's it's gorgeous your hairy tiny tiny hairy legs and your uh wee wee tiny weenie head that you can pop all the way up my vag and pleasure me till the cows come home. Oh, I can use it as a tampon when I need to,

your entire body. Yes, a very absorbent fellow. And yes, pop him up and no need to flush. Obviously, just rinse him out of the tap and use him again. Yes, and he's actually, looking at his photo, a very large lad, isn't he? Yes, he's quite bulky.

But, and pretty tall. It may well be that perhaps he's actually looking at his photo, a very large lad, isn't he? Yes, he's quite bulky and pretty tall. It may well be that perhaps he was teased at school for being such a tall fellow and prefers to be thought of as a two-inch tot. You know, it's not really for us to judge, is it? And this awful woman, what was her name? Emily. And she's saying she can't wrap her head around it. I don't really know, in a way, what he's doing, sticking with her, to be honest. I'm sure there's a million ladies who'd love to get into this tiny sex syndrome.

Absolutely. I mean, you know, we know with Prince Charles, he wanted to be a tampon, didn't he, Joan? Absolutely. I remember. Yes. And they covered that story so wonderfully in The Crown, didn't they? I'm glad they covered that bit because everybody knew that that was what we wanted and yes and it was fun wasn't it seeing her get out her packet of and to him actually eating one at one point in the in the filming which was yeah yes i understand

the royal family haven't really enjoyed it as much as uh we'd all hoped but yeah so it's i mean you know it's tricky isn isn't it, really? But apparently they did enjoy that section, which is wonderful. Are there any, besides telling him he's small, is there any kind of physical things she can do to create the sensation of being small? Yeah, because you would imagine props. You know, like the borrowers, they made really big furniture. Yes, I think she should spend any savings she has

on getting some giant sofas in and getting the windows changed in the house yes perhaps knitting a giant jumper um for the fellow so that he's absolutely utterly swamped in it and uh yes there's all sorts of things you could do i think that's really helpful and i think actually although it sounds quite rare probably quite a common a lot more than absolutely and it's why jockeys never struggle to get a lady. Very sexy, those jockeys, aren't they? Very rich and very sexy.

Yeah, and a lot of practical solutions. I mean, it costs a fortune, but, you know, some real practical. But it is what it is. I mean, we're not living, you know, we're not living in a kind of fantasy here. You've got to do what you've got to do, haven't you? You do if you want to hold on to your relationship. I do think you are holding on by the skin of your teeth here yeah she absolutely is and she's not going to get anyone else is she no not the face like that okay um so the next one we have is uh from a gentleman

this time called jake okay okay so we're moving away from the women uh into the men so he says i've been seeing this guy and we've been getting pretty intimate, but he has asked me to keep it hush hush. And I thought that was just because he was shy about seeing another man. Well, last week he called me and completely out of the blue asked me to be his groomsman for his wedding to a woman. Should I go? Gosh. And this is Jake. Again, a surnameless man. Surname, yeah, exactly. That's a lot of cloak and dagger. Does he have experience with horses?

He's actually on a horse in the photo that he sent him. Well, that's true, yes. Is the question here that he wants to ride in on a horse into the church and sort of make a scene maybe? That's naked.

With a large member engorged. Both him and the horse, yes. It seems like the usual story of the sort of closet homosexual having this fake marriage. We've seen it all across Hollywood, haven't we? Time and again. Yes, and in the government. Yes, almost every one of them.

So should he go and reveal what this gentleman's been up to? I think he should certainly say something at the usual point, you know, where they say, if anyone has anything to say or declare, whatever the phrase is, he should certainly pipe up then. Yes, he should stand up and shout some obscenities. And if he can, vomit at will. I would suggest he just vomits over the congregation in front of him.

Or over the bride. Yes, and then he gets back on the horse and gallops out the church. Yes, quite a fun day out. If he was going to do a more subtle thing, I think what might be nice is if he's very, very close to the groom throughout the service, the vows, and he's rubbing his bottom from behind and just scooping his hand under his crotch.

What he could do if he is a bit further away is get a litter picker, take that along with him and perhaps attach a common bathroom sponge on the end and just poke up at him whilst he's taking his vows and try and put him off, perhaps. Yes, he could have a go at the vicar as well and see if that... Oh, yes, absolutely. And these vicars are game for this sort of thing, aren't they? Because, of course, they don't wear trousers, do they, Joan, or any undergarments?

We know they don't wear pants. No, so you can reach up and round and inside the cassock and grab away with that litter picker and, you know, it might be a bit of fun for everybody. And, you know, I think the rest of the congregation would be awfully grateful because it's very boring sometimes. They're so boring weddings. They drag on. We want one of these dramas,'t we at a wedding yes well best of luck uh jake and uh hope it all goes well yeah i love to hear the results of that absolutely you have to go jake that's yes it is definitely yes yes you're going to dress up in something fun

i'm actually learning so much i didn't realize so much of this would apply to my life as well so this is really helpful that's fabulous and what's good is you kind of you come at it from an angle that i wouldn't necessarily have thought of or even so dare to think about yes i think it's the human the compassion but it's also all our training with you know we don't like to brag about all our sort of qualifications because we don't want to ram it down people's throats but that's really where that skill comes from and i wonder because there has been a bit of controversy you've got a lot of attention obviously for your no holds barred um kind of very direct approach do you get feedback on your feedback ever do people you know have opinions on yes we get death threats unfortunately from

narrow-minded folk but we just ignore them don't we joan and joan's got a wonderful bodyguard danny danny's gorgeous huge guy uh yes i mean we think they're usually actually old uh school friends who've got a grudge that kind of thing jealous posing as uh other people probably women jealous women oh yeah undoubtedly it'll be ghastly frumpy past it uh women who are just very envious of our huge wealth actually and fame yeah well we both do wear bulletproof vests don't we quite often yes and pants yes this next letter is from Matthew and he says I'm buying gifts for a friend with benefits of mine but I don't want to buy anything that necessarily implies a commitment or that there's going to be a round two what gift is the

right level of sexy for this socks Socks are too daddish, but sex toys are too much of an invitation. Love and light, Matt. Oh, bless you, Matt. What a very, yes, what a sensible letter. What should he buy? Well, should he buy Joan something like the peeny beeny that we make and sell on our website,

which we refer to actually in this, I don't know if you know that we've written a book, Joan and I, called Why He Turns Away. And in it, we have various products. You might want to have a look through that and have a think about a little gift from our selection. Yes, indeed. It's a little sort of hat that you put on the end of the penis to collect bits and bobs,

that sort of thing. And you can get the Orlando collect bits and bobs that sort of thing and you can get the orlando which is like orlando bloom sort of thing that he might wear and uh it might be something that this guy if it's a guy uh would would feel was well what's he saying by that is he saying uh my willy smells i need to put a hat on the end of it or is he saying um what what is he saying by that? You know? I mean, I think he's saying, Joan, potentially,

here's a bit of fun, but don't get too used to me. And the book, of course, advice and information on lots of different topics. Absolutely. And recipes, horoscopes, it's all in there.

Yes. How to keep a man, how to get a man in the first place and then how to keep hold of him and pleasure him, you know, whilst he increasingly goes off you. I've got one here. Again, it's anonymous, but they're from Russia.

Yes. So it seems that my husband is allergic to sex. Literally every time the foreplay starts and we're ready to shag, he sneezes extremely hard. He nearly bit off my nipple once because he was kissing my breasts when this happened. So do you think we need to cure this allergy or let it be his special feature? And that's from anonymous in Russia? In Russia, yes. I see, I see.

Vlad? Vlad in Russia. Is it from a lady? It is a lady, but that is a common female Russian name. I do beg your pardon. I thought it was short for Vladimir. Yes, but clearly not vladis quite vladis yes that'll be it they're quite stout and strong looking a lot of these

lasses aren't they from russia and i would imagine her nipples much as he nearly bit it off are quite tough as well so yes um with all those russian winds and uh you know the chapping and chafing they get very very sturdy nipples a lot of these russian know, the chapping and chafing, they get very, very sturdy nipples, a lot of these Russian ladies. And all the potatoes, yes, and headscarves that they wear. And the vodka. Yes, absolutely. She needn't worry too much about that. It would take quite a big chomp to get a Russian nipple off.

So I wouldn't worry too much. I just wonder, though, this sneezing, I mean, that seems like a little bit of a guise to me, don't you think, of some sort of. Well, it's tricky, isn't it, Joan? Because, of course, as we know, a lot of men can be very allergic to their girlfriends and wives. Increasingly, as they get older, they can start to come out in hives when they see them. And if they take a layer of clothing off, a lot of men can actually be physically sick.

I know you said Philip used to do that a lot. Yes, we had to keep a bucket by the bed. And, oh, you know, poor Philip, you know, he's a troubled fellow. And it was just a phase in the end. And as long as we turned all the lights off and I turned onto my front, there were no problems. But this Vladis lady, yeah, she sounds to me rather a complainer. Yet another one. And also the thing she says, as soon as foreplay starts. So what's happening here is, why are you expecting foreplay anyway, Vladis?

From this gorgeous guy. I mean, he looks, I mean, have you seen the size of his hands there in this photo? I hope you've got that up on your screen, Jerika. Huge, yes, I have. Huge hands and an enormous penis. Very, very ruddy. And these wonderful Russian boots and this Cossack hat and nothing else.

Quite a striking fellow. Stunning, stunning. Yes, yes. I mean, she's lucky to have him, isn't she? And I wouldn't be surprised if he's already moved on by the time we're answering this letter. He's only got three teeth there, so I don't think that she, you know,

he's not going to take that much off anyway when he's chomping down, is he? No, absolutely not. It's a graze, isn't it? it exactly it's a sexy graze it's a sexy part of common sex play that yes i don't know what she's complaining i think she's got herself mixed up there and the sneezing i mean we've all had a man sneeze phlegm all over her face before or nipples or down below haven't we that's uh just a bit of moisture really yes part of the sex play really and uh you know she doesn't say but a lot of men have these penis colds don't they joan as well where they sneeze repeatedly out of the

organ um and that can be confusing if the lady's not expecting that but again that's a very sexy very very very uh very very turn on sort of mechanism yeah are you acknowledging that are you saying bless me you know bless you i think that's a nice thing to say um but you make sure you say it in a very husky way uh you don't want it to be too mumsy because that will turn him right off and um that will cause the mucus to turn into little dry boogies very quickly um are you ever faced with a query or a question or a problem that you just don't feel qualified to answer? No, not really. Good.

I suppose because of your combined expertise over the years. I mean, you've got all the bases covered. We both have such high IQs as well. Again, something we don't brag about. But combined, it's going up towards the 600s or seven hundred, isn't it, Jerrica? Yes, if not more. To both of you, I think, I mean, this has just been such an enlightening time. It really has. On behalf of our listeners, just thank you. Thank you for your time.

Well, thank you, guys, honestly. God bless you. Yes, and we're going to have our Christmas dinner together, I understand. Absolutely, yes. Wonderful. And we got your um your kind of list of dietary requirements thank you good oh yes yes mine's all gluten-free I'm afraid with this exploding gut syndrome so um I have to be careful it is easy on the stuffing yes

no pun intended well thank you so much Joan and and jerica and merry christmas one and all merry christmas and happy happy new year yes indeed