My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Feet

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

Prompted by this week's chatper, Jamie, Alice and James explore the fascinating world of feet as well as look back at the reaction to the first two episodes of season six. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes. Now, guys, we're two episodes in and there's already so much to talk about and kind of deconstruct. The complaints log is full. We've missed stuff, as always. I prefer reaction rather than complaints. Sure, okay. Comments. Feedback, yes.

Criticisms. One of the things that came up that we didn't even notice in the first episode, do you remember James Spooner's state funeral? R.I.P. He had a line of people behind him that he'd ravaged in the order that he'd last ravaged them. As is protocol and tradition. Of course, at all state funerals. Respectful.

It's come up quite a lot, but we got one email that kind of sums it up nicely, I think. She says, this is from Joanna. Hi, Joanna. Hi, Joanna. In between the Russian minister for propagandaaganda Propaganda The hot ass And the milkmaid It was mentioned that the Grand High Prince of Lichtenstein came in In the Ravaged Line

Can Spooner now be confirmed as the first male bisexual in the book? Oh my goodness And we didn't even notice That was a chaotic funeral There was a lot going on James And also because it shouldn't be noteworthy James No I think it's we're so woke. We're so bloody woke.

It's noteworthy that it's the first in the books, though. Yes. Not that he is. But that's amazing. So, yeah, he, well, didn't when he first arrived at Steele's, I know he was undercover as the IT man. Wasn't there some sort of talk about him possibly being bisexual then? I don't know if I...

Jamie, you're really asking a lot of us to think that far back. Well, then let us know. Let us know next week. I honestly don't even know what you're referring to. But yeah, Rocky never really talked about gay sex, male gay sex. Although, as we've talked about before, lots of lesbian sex. And yeah, male bisexual. Wow, that's great.

I mean, great representation. I mean, it's only taken him six books. And also, as you say, he just drops it in, doesn't mention it, moves on. But also, again, if you're going to do it, do the Grand High Prince of Lichtenstein. Do you know what I mean it's only taken him six books and also as you say it just drops it in doesn't mention it moves on but also again if you're going to do it do the Grand High Prince of Lichtenstein is that a real title should we look it up I'm going to google it okay the suspense yes Hans Adam II is the reigning Grand High Prince of Lichtenstein. Grand High. That's an actual title. The Grand High Prince. That's so extra. He's 76. Oh, wow. He's married to Countess Marie Kinski. Kinski?

Kinski. Oh, my God. Countess Marie Kinski von Wittnitz und Tatao. Mars Charka Vertiklotz. That is incredible. And so Rocky looked that up but chose not to include her that's such a belinda blink's name we should for legal purposes say of course the reference that he's making is completely

fictional yes uh no no uh what's that thing that people say any resemblances to real people is pure coincidence or yes any resemblance to anyone living or dead is entirely coincidental we should say that another thing that is absolutely wild from episode one is um all of the talk about whether virgin the company founded by richard branson gained its name from his sexual status as somebody who had well never had sex um lots of that point to that point at the time of uh formation of the business when he went to company's house he was a virgin or was he what we found out that's rocky's assumption lots of people went on a on a mission like we did to try and find out if that was true yeah they hassled richard branson quite aggressively on twitter i think lots of people atting him asking the question why is virgin called virgin and he tweeted i'm so thrilled with this i think it's

hilarious do you think he was tweeting from necker what did he say i don't think you get signal on necker no probably not he's got a virgin internet on necker island he's got a dongle so he tweeted this is the tweet i'll do it my best richard branson voice I'm just going to do it in my voice We came up with the name Virgin Because when we started out We were virgins at business Oh that makes sense

There you go There you go Clarifying it Does it? What a great name What a great origin of the name I actually can't believe that people Pressured him so much

That he felt the need to reply Well what's quite funny is afterwards he says Thanks for the mentions like shut the fuck up oh dicky sorry about that and this week's episode people are very concerned about my heating uh turns out that my boiler was broken so um i had a bit of an issue which means that that's why my so it wasn't about the full house um well i think the full house didn't help right sure but, sure, sure. But it was a combination of factors, Alice. I don't want to go into it here. It's very boring and very expensive. But I hopefully have it sorted out.

And it's now a lot warmer, which is good. Well, can I just say, someone tweeted, why are they moaning it's so hot today? It's not a live radio show, everybody. It's a podcast. I just want to clarify, we do record it in advance. Days in advance. It's never like weeks and months in advance, but advance but yes yes i didn't think we'd have to say that but we do it's not a live radio show sorry that's news to me this isn't going out right now that's a

great relief i've been really quite stressed for about six years now guys you do not want to hear the non-edited version of this podcast that would not be fun for anybody raw by naming nature and someone also got in touch about um the prehensile toes yes i want to just say as well the last two episodes have been pretty rough we apologize as my dad wrote a porno i'm sure dad feels bad too well hopefully now she's back in the metropolis things will like settle down a bit cleaner but she was in you know scrub and dust it's dirty i would also say i know you're apologizing on our behalf but we can only work with the material we're given like it's very hard to anesthetize what he writes so you know there's a baseline of filth that we just can't protect you from but someone got in touch and said look he went all in on these prehensile toes and then she didn't even use them to jerk him off or anything.

Like they were just a kind of pointless... Oh, what a missed opportunity. Yeah, exactly. He was there waiting for it. Just never happened. I mean, that's good Rocky writing because it's a curveball. You think you know where it's going,

it's going a different way. Too obvious. A little too obvious, exactly. But he didn't just measure them in the end or something. Yeah, I think he just got off on them because he was doing a PhD or something. It was more of an academic arousal. Yeah, exactly.

That would be really incredible. We might have talked about this before. Why is this ringing a bell? Maybe just from my past life. But would you put both sets of toes around it and wank it off that way? Or would it be one set of toes, like a hand? Well, if you've got really long prehensile toes and they can kind of grip around, it depends on the girth of the penis what kind of grip you like you know there's a lot of mitigating

factors here um but yes you do it with two feet one of the toes massage the head i mean what's going on well guys should we do a foot notes should we talk about feet how have we never spoken happy this is one of the most popular kinks it is it's super mainstream i mean it's not something i'm into i would i would say if i was but yeah like a lot of people love feet so this is a footnotes truly it's a feet notes it's a feet notes it's a feet notes it's funny we're talking about this because well what oh something you want to get off your chest so she's got very shady all of a sudden what's going on something i want to get off your chest so it's very shady all of a sudden what's going on something i want to get off my feed um so i often get messages about my feet in my dm do you quite a lot what sort of thing are we talking more pictures of your please put them away

please put them away do you put those trosses under a blanket would it kill you to wear two pairs of socks that sort of thing do you often post pictures of your hoofs or well okay i i reject that moniker i will not accept her just said trotters both both are awful trotters hoofs yeah okay i just can't be given another word when i look at them beautiful feet i didn't think i did often post pictures of my feet i don't really post pictures of my feet. I don't really post pictures of my full length body very often. In swimming pools or nothing? Well, quite. Although sometimes, apparently, I've taken a picture of the swimming pool with my feet in it. What do you do in a swimming pool?

You get your feet out. And do you know what? They're all catalogued on Wikifeet. I'm on Wikifeet. I've heard of Wikifeet. You're on Wikifeet. Look it up right now and put my name in. They've been gathering this archive for years.

Yeah, it's basically a catalogue of famous people and pictures of their feet, right? Yeah, well, thank you for saying that. Yes, it's the upper echelons of feet. Oh, sorry, Zedlisters. It's famous people and me. And yeah, you're going to be wowed by the selection that are there.

Oh, okay. What have we got here? Bloody hell. Wow. Some of them are zoomed in versions of bigger pictures. You've just got shoes on in some of them. That's okay, apparently. Oh, guys, at the bottom it says three pictures were removed from this gallery.

For indecency. What do you think? Well, it says more info. Should I press the more info? Unless somebody else's feet have been tagged as mine. Two pictures were reported as duplicates. Oh, okay. And one picture was reported as, and I quote, no feet showing.

It is the founding principle of WikiFeet. Who wrote a picture of your face? Right, they've got some interesting information here. Can I just say, I love on WikiFeet that a picture of your face right they've got some interesting information here can I just say I love on wiki feet that a picture of my face is abhorrent they're just like

disgusting get a picture of your feet on there so you know you can rate people's feet on here you've got ratings oh my god

90 out of 187 votes the results are in nil point 91 people said you were beautiful The results are in. Nul poir. 91 people said you were beautiful. Feet. You were beautiful. Feet.

46%... Sorry, 46 people said nice. No. Now that's a bit of a rinse. Nice. Oh my goodness. Fake praise. 29 said okay. 15 said bad.

Bad feet. Get this. 15 said, bad. Bad feet. Get this. Six said, ugly. Oh my God. And the comment section is quite interesting. Oh my God. I didn't see any of this. So someone said, love the souls of redheads.

They always look amazing. She's not a redhead. She's famously a fake redhead. Okay, we don't need to keep saying it. People might not have heard that episode. There's one of you with like a bloody leg here with your foot in it like you it looks like you've hurt yourself oh yeah that's when i got bashed up in the sea they're so nice these people someone said her foot movements seemed charmingly precise and careful no can i just say the wiki feet community

wonderful wonderful bunch i would hang out with them over youtube any goddamn day and also i'd just like to say to everybody that voted for me thank you to the academy um to my mom and dad i wouldn't i wouldn't have these little tootsies without you and anybody that's enjoyed my feet over the years appreciate it well someone just said she does have nice feet you gotta give into. So I googled like why people like feet to start with. So a foot fetish or podophilia, which is an unfortunate name for a foot fetish. Anophilia is always an awful name. It's good for a podcast though.

Podophilia. Oh my God, podophilia. Foot notes, podophilia, what's going on? It was meant to be. None of this was meant to be. I mean, there's multiple theories about it. One of the first that emerged was from Sigmund Freud. we go oh watch out here we go he believed that fetishes arose during early childhood well i guess you were round feet a lot when you were a kid like on the floor

well that's not what he says alice he suggested that when a child saw their mother's genitals they were shocked to find that their mother did not have a penis leading to a fixation on objects or body part that looked like penises what did sigmund's member look like if it looked like a toe so in the case of foot festers freud's theory states that they occur because a person perceives the foot or toes as a penis substitute i don't think that's i don't i don't believe that one i love that james is like i don't believe that one i know more than sigmund fre Freud. Who's this Freud? This has turned into sort of an after-school special,

like a kind of lecture, hasn't it, from James? Thank you, James, for this education. I was more intrigued to know who was into feet, who were kind of prominent figures in the culture. So I've looked into some famous people who have foot fetishes. Oh, sure. I want to hear a few people. F. Scott Fitzgerald, apparently.

Who wrote... Who wrote The Great Gatsby. Ah. Any allusions to that in The Great Gatsby? Well, possibly. I haven't read it, but... Oh, look at him leaning in. He's ready to give us a thesis. But what's interesting about him

is that he loved women's feet, but hated his own. So he refused to show his feet to anybody. And he's quoted as saying that he had a Freudian shame about his feet. Well, no, Freud, but he loves it. Thinks it's a penis. And he was so obsessed with feet that he frequented a particular sex worker solely on the basis of her feet. Don't say solely when we're talking about feet.

Oh, there you go. You're better than that. You're better than that. Andy Warhol. Warhol? Is in Mirny. And the Warhol, tell us. Oh, that's something I want to clear up as well.

All the bloody people saying about my morning comment. Mirny. Mirny. I might just play it, actually. I've got it on my phone. I love that he's prepped for this argument. Well, I put it on Twitter, but, you know, the podcast has more reach. Why I love that he's prepped for this well I put it on Twitter but you know the podcast has more reach

why do you think he's in court the amount of people that like honestly Murnit Mahoney or however I said it

has got precedent by none other than Dame Judi Dench Alice don't look at me this way oh my god he does live his life by Dame Judi Dench's rules what would Judi do

no I'm just I can't believe he's prepped I can't believe he's clipped it what a sad little man. Oh, no, because I was... He's got time on his hands, hasn't he? I was trying to work... And now he's pieced together

some separate clips of Judi Dench to make it sound like she's saying, I can't do a back catalog. He's picked 70 clips of her, used a little phoneme for me, so she goes, I was trying to work out where I got it from

because I must have kind of had it in my head she's an elderly former Royal Shakespeare company thesp of course she says stuff weirdly

you just went to the club theatre and hung out backstage that may be so in her Oscar nominated role as Mrs Brown slash Queen Victoria she said the following

it is not for any of the Queen's subjects to presume to tell Her Majesty when and where she should come out of mourning. Okay. I mean, as Alice said, she's an actress, so of course she's going to ham it up.

Two, she's playing Queen Victoria. Thirdly, very poor quality audio. I don't even know what she's saying. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Andy Warhol. Stop doing it. Why. Andy Warhol. Stop doing it. Why is Andy Warhol mourning? No, he isn't in mourning.

He was also a podophilia. I can't believe he clipped it up. I can't believe he clipped it up. He put Mrs. Brown in the DVD player. Oh my God, you know he did. That's not a clip on YouTube. No, he was into feet as well. So much so that he kept an Egyptian mummified human foot by his bed.

Different though, isn't it? You can be into feet and not want a mummified foot next to your bed. I feel like he was like, guys, let's be sex positive. Everybody can be into what they're into. And it's like, yeah, all right, fair enough. So don't comment on my mummified foot by the bed. It's like... What is it when you've got a

longer second toe than your big toe does it mean you're clever or something or you clearly don't have a longer second toe no oh no mine's mine's way back i don't think it means that you're clever is that the same professor that said when you hold a buttercup under your chin it means you like butter and i do like butter it was right every time. Oh my God. The bones in your feet account for around 25% of all the bones in your body. Wow. Are we making a different show now? I feel like we're just making a science show.

We're just shouting foot facts. But there is a really, really famous foot... Kind of scandal, really. What scandal? What's going on? Fergie. Oh, of course. When she got her toes sucked.

We've mentioned this before but who brought it up? Stephen Mangan brought it up once. Yeah. But why was it such a scandal? So she'd been separated from Andrew, the prince we do not name, for a while. I think like a few months, but they were trying to keep it a bit hush hush. And then what I didn't realise was that she was in Balmoral with all the royal family, Queen, Prince Philip, the day those pictures were splashed all over the papers.

Awkward! Could you imagine that breakfast? Breakfast round with Nana! God, that would make a good episode of The Crown, wouldn't it? It really would. Yeah. And apparently, royal writer Richard Kaye claimed that he received a message via pager in 1992 from Princess Diana the night before the photos hit the newspaper stands.

And the message just said, the redhead's in trouble. Oh, that is absolutely chilling. I've said that about Alice before. Often. So for those that don't know, explain the story. So she was separated from Prince Andrew, but they weren't actually divorced yet. And she was papped while in the south of France, getting her toes sucked by, wait for it, a Texan millionaire. Jim Sterling.

Basically Jim Sterling. His name was John Bryan and he was her... John Bryan is an anagram of Jim Sterling. He was her, quote, financial advisor, amongst other things, I'm sure. And he said, subsequently, like years later, I think he said, I wasn't sucking her toes, I was merely kissing them. And were they pictured on the beach in public?

No, they were in her villa in Saint-Tropez. Oh, well, give them some bloody privacy. Well, exactly. But why would it matter if it was sucking anyway? Well, this is my point. It shouldn't matter. But that's mad, isn't it? That that was sort of...

Front page scandalous news. And it was referred to as the toe-sucking saga. I do think, though, you either like that sensation or you don't. Because, you know, like tickling, some people are like, I'm going to punch you in the face. Torturous. And some people are like, tell my mum. So there must be a physiological, like it's not just psychological, is it?

It's like there's a physical thing where it's like, that feels nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what have we learned? People like feet. Yeah. Rocky's picked up on it because he's very good at moving with the zeitgeist. And I'm, I guess, like a foot sensation. You're a foot superstar.

They're nice. They're quite nice. Guys, thank you. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so.

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Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.