My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Finale Predictions

Episode Date: November 28, 2019

Jamie, James and Alice read your predictions about how book 5 will end and quickly realise you're all as nutsas Rocky Flintstone... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Hello and welcome to the last footnotes of season five. Guys, we've finally made it. We've made it and there's one chapter to go. Yep. And no one has any fucking idea how it's going to end. Including Dad. People have been sending in their theories. Are a single two the same?

No, everyone's got a different theory. Some theories are really interesting, stuff I've never thought of. Some are insane, like this one. The entire chapter will be the slow and excruciating walk of Bish up the beach to where Belinda is. Then, at the last moment, the Duchess will pull off a mask, revealing herself as George all along, and Bish will finish the last moment, the Duchess will pull off a mask, revealing herself as George all along. And Bish will finish the book with, I would have gotten a verve of it if it weren't for you meddling clits.

I would have gotten a verve of it if it weren't for you meddling clits. I actually see how hard it is now for you to do that. It's really difficult. A little Scooby-Doo reference there. Exactly. Very young person there, getting in touch with the show. So yeah, someone just thinks it's just going to be shitloads of detail. Not much happened, as usual.

Christine thinks that Chef Cosmo Macaroon is Slince's half-brother. Oh my God, already my brain's melted. Yeah, go on. And he tries to avenge his death by capturing Giselle and forcing her to sing the praises of his brother's last invention, the Trioxy whatever, Trioxy Brillo, thank you. On live TV. Then the Duchess rescues Bella and Belinda. Cue an orgy.

The end. Few people think the Duchess is just going to show up last minute. Yes. Because he has a tendency to just be like, let's put them in Australia. She's not been there in a while. Someone will shag near Slince's body and he'll come back to life for fear of missing out.

If it can work for Bella's coma, it can work for dead Slince. Giselle realises now she has Slince. She no longer needs Belinda so lets them all out of the cell but turns out Slince's death has given him amnesia

so Steeles wins... Death has given him amnesia? He's dead? Well, actually, his heart just stopped. Oh. As in, like, he's been, you know, the FOMO's

like brought him back. Okay. So Steeles wins and applies for a patent on the Trioxy Brillo range. Plot twist, Giselle infiltrates the patent office and the blueprints fall straight into her hands before the patent has been issued.

That's brilliant. Who's that? Well done to you, Amy1999. Very good. Very good. Chris says that Geronimo St. Frost first shows up and informs Belinda that everything that's happened since she set foot in the Royal Academy of Drama and Stuff has been an elaborate setup as part of her real spy training.

A lot of people saying it's going to be kind of a last minute twist, like we're all in Bella's coma dream or Belinda's been asleep since like the car crash and everything that's happened since. Oh my God, to be fair, amazing if it is. Is it? some people aren't thinking that far ahead um a bit like zoe t who says either somehow um they manage to lubricate the lock on the jail door so it comes off or they lubricate themselves to squeeze between the bars and then they end up in some sort of physical combat with giselle which most likely will end in sex so that's basically just the next sort of 30 minutes planned as opposed to like the end of the book love it where they get in the lube is my big question i think they're self-lubricating yeah oh okay i love this

one actually a giant orgy ends with bish dying of a heart attack that's not good that's sad but then we find out that jail man has been narrating the story this whole time jail man is rocky flintstone so jail man's the one that says we look from aloft yeah exactly because he's such a storyteller isn't he an incredible storyteller one of the greatest orators of our time so he is yeah he's he is rocky uh lisa's made a goodeller, isn't he? An incredible storyteller. One of the greatest orators of our time. So he is, yeah, he is Rocky. Lisa's made a good point. I don't even understand what has happened, let alone what will happen. Yeah, Lisa, preach, sister, honestly.

Abigail thinks that Bish will gentleman woof in the cell, knocking all parties out instantly. But luckily, Belinda was too busy noshing down on Bella's delicious folds that she's able to escape the toxic smell and stays silent just as Bish enters the cell. And then Belinda was too busy noshing down on Bella's delicious folds that she's able to escape the toxic smell and stays silent just as Bish enters the cell and then Belinda blinks. So she uses Bella with her... A little gas mask.

Yeah. A little vag mask. Yeah. Vag mask. A filter. Spooner will rip off his mask and reveal that he's Cosmo Macaroon in disguise. Sent in as a distraction,

the real Spooner will rescue them just as Giselle and Co arrive. Belinda will reveal that she's an expert in the ancient art of pots and pans karate and kick some ass. Bella will be oblivious to all of this. The book will end mid-sentence. Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane. I like this one actually from Nat. Cliffhanger.

Spooner actually works for Bish, which explains why he's so shit. He's a double agent. That could be interesting. That would make sense because it's not clear why, as one of the top spies, he is so shit. He's a double agent. That could be interesting. That would make sense because it's not clear why as one of the top spies he is so ineffective. Yeah. A lot of predictions

that Bish is going to die. So we'll see if that happens. Oh, okay. I mean, it's going to happen at some point. So why not in the jail? It's wishful thinking, isn't it really?

I think this one's written by a child. Oh, God. The Duchess will ride into the jail at Toffee Apple Chew and have sex with everyone and save the day who's that from that's from grant from who's five don't do that voice if they aren't letting nuts into the country toffee apple chew isn't getting into australia do you think toffee apple chew walks onto the plane gets a seat

chris tubbs says the last chapter will just be page 52 of the 1996 summer argos catalog probably the most accurate one yeah and also as arbitrary as anything you know like why not a lovely v-neck sweater alice i mean matt just thinks that there'll be a turkey sandwich involved somehow i mean this is the kind of thing that we expect from rocky just bringing something back that he thinks has been a hit um sophie's taken the australia thing literally and she said kylie minogue and jason donovan run into the clink with dr carl kennedy and save the day international listeners are like huh yeah so dr carl kennedy was in a soap called neighbors kylie minogue's

wonderful singer jason donovan is also a singer um wow shade jason donovan used to be your pin-up you used to be yeah joseph the technicolored love him in Joseph Yeah, Joseph the Technicoloured thing You loved that No, I was a Philip Schofield I saw Philip Schofield You saw Philip Schofield But you fantasised about Jason Donovan Oh please, darling

Toffee Apple Chew will be revealed to be the mastermind behind it all I'd love a little appearance from Toffee Apple Chew at the end Would it kill him? Would it kill him to bring him back? You know at the end of a musical When there's like everybody on stage Big finale number Would it kill him to just do that? You know at the end of a musical when there's like everybody on stage? Big finale number. Would it kill him to just do that and then kill a few people off, you know?

Stephen thinks that the formula of the trioxy brillo range has been written on the back of a pack of tampons in Belinda's bag. Everyone goes hurrah and totally forgets about Slince. The last shot is of Professor Slince's distraught widow staring up at Belinda's flat window unblinking. Oh wow, that's very moving. We should hook them up with Rocky. They could help.

A lot of people hoping for an interaction with God. Belinda and God getting together. Sort of bookending the book. Exactly. Yeah. Slintz somehow comes back to life. Some other random stuff happens and Bella eats some chips. Jenny.

Don't you think these theories are such a reflection on the people that have written them? I feel like a psychologist would have a lot to say about why this is their prediction. I'm really starting to get an insight into our listeners now. Somebody says, Bish saves the day by killing Giselle, et al. They're not being specific. In doing so, realises the error of his ways

and merges with Steele's. Oh, a merger. That would be a bit anticlimactic. A corporate merger. That would be very rocky. Someone's asking asking what the hell happened to the confidential order

of cookware nights that's a good question absolute shit do they even know where Belinda is right now they've done a lot of sort of weekends away in nice old houses

but that's about it Rosalind says obviously I can't begin to predict what Rocky's going to do but she's living in hope that it will somehow feature Des Martin

who's been flown in by Hazel especially to put all the she's living in hope that it will somehow feature Des Martin, who's been flown in by Hazel, especially to put all the hostel's bunk beds back together. So she's thinking kind of less about the espionage and more about... Getting the deposit back.

Exactly. I love that she's worried about that, Lucy. That is the greatest crime in these books, to be fair. Andy thinks that Belinda and Giselle will fight to the death with only pots and pans as weapons.

Belinda wins as the Trioxy Brillo range immediately boils Giselle. Boils? Yeah. Or burns, I don't know. Quite horrible. What, they melt her in a pot? You know, what a way to go.

But it's what she would have wanted. And actually, we have talked many times about that woman that was deep fat fried in that series of spooks. Oh, yeah. So, absolutely gross. Changed a generation, that. It really did. I have not eaten fried food since.

That's a lie. The 20,000 ladies from book three all rush in with their non-stick tin woks to avenge Belinda, the greatest speaker ever to grace the O2. It's Millennium Down Building, thank you. This is the definition of being an optimist from J.T. Harlan.

He says, Rocky will probably skip one year into the future where everything is done and Cosmo Macaroon Show is such a hit that steals as the best company in the world and win an award or something. Yay! I love the innocence of that. And they all lived happily ever after.

It's very that, isn't it? This is dark. Someone's just written, Belinda will take her life. Oh, God. Not her life, a life. She'll kill someone. There's precedent now for death in these books. So could there be another death at the end?

I don't know. I honestly think if we settle on one kind of theory, we're just asking for trouble. Because as soon as we do that, it's like, suddenly we're in Alaska and you're like, what? And he's like, and there's a little party in the snow or something. Like, it's just going to be something so mad. The moon just got its first Pops and Pants rage.

And Belinda's there to sell it. You joke, but it will be that. Well, someone says that Spoodle will whip some ridiculous gadget out of his... Well, anyway, really. Knickers. And blow off the wall. His knickers. And blow off the wall, pick the lock or something,

and they'll get teleported away, and then they'll go back to UK, and they'll get a knighthood for saving British commerce. If he gets a knighthood for saving British commerce if he gets a knighthood what even is that system have we got knighthoods yet what would I get a dame

a dameville a dameness the Queen ain't coming anywhere near us love do you not think you don't think she listens I'd love it if she did you know how we found out

that people listen in Vatican City that time can we pinpoint it to like specific areas of London is there like a little hotbed in Buckingham Palace? Well, just in case,

shout out to Lizzie. Hope you're good, ma'am. Merry Christmas. Can't wait for the speech, baby. Oh, this is charming. Katie's written, Giselle will find

the error of her ways, kill George with some weird sex thing and have a happy, happy orgy. Oh, and James gets laid off because he did jack shit to help.

Someone's replied, for a second I thought you meant James Cooper. They both go. Don't at you in it if they're going to help. Someone's replied, for a second I thought you meant James Cooper. They both go. Don't at you in it if they're going to laugh at you. Also, I don't think Giselle can just say, like, seen the error in my ways, soz. After all she's done.

No, exactly. It's ridiculous. What, turncoat? She's killed somebody. Exactly. Oh, I could so see Giselle, like, just, like, getting so horny. You're a very forgiving man.

She'd be like, I want in. someone's hoping the book ends with a musical number i'm kind of hoping for that too as discussed the big finale it's a shell stabber high like high kicking and i mean that's sort of what we had over all those bodies didn't we when the duchess rode toffee apple tube over all the corpses in the car park so that was kind of a sort of i I guess, in a musical, like get everybody on stage number. It's just that everybody was laying dead on the ground.

Yeah, quite an inanimate dance routine. Yeah, the choreography was simple. Jamie, you could write the sheet music because of your background in the theatre, obviously. Do you have a background in the theatre? Shut up, you. Oh, you mean at the background of the theatre, yeah. Maybe Val Harris can help with the lyrics.

Val can help. If Val Harris hasn't reignited her career off the background of the theatre, yeah. Maybe Val Harris can help with the lyrics. Val can help. If Val Harris hasn't reignited her career off the back of this podcast, I'll be furious. She's had so many mentions. And she is still with us, I found out recently. So hi, Val, if you're listening. How did you find out? Did somebody send you a cease and desist? If Val Harris and the Queen listen to this podcast, I will lose my mind.

I mean, Val Harris is the Queen in our mind. Yeah. She was the Queen of the Club Theatre. She's the heir to my heart. Oh, amen. So you're going to have to come back on Monday for the last chapter of book five. Oh my God. I love it.

Just a reminder as well, we're doing the listening party on Monday, 8pm British time, GMT. So if you're in, say, America. Yeah. What do you do? Oh God, I don't know, Alice. Check Google. Google what 8pm UK time is in your time. Okay. So pick somewhere that hasn't got loads of different time zones in of itself.

Okay, what do you do in France? That would be 9pm. Okay, what if you're in, I don't know. I can't stress this enough, Google. Okay. Yep, we'll all be getting on Twitter at the same time. Hashtag porno day. Send us pics of where you're listening. And we'll all press play at 8pm. So brace Yep, we'll all be getting on Twitter at the same time. Hashtag porno day. Send us pics of where you're listening and we'll all press play at 8pm.

So brace yourself, guys. See you Monday. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need.

That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes.

Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.