My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Hayley Atwell

Episode Date: October 25, 2018

Star of Marvel's 'Agent Carter', 'Howards End' and 'Christopher Robin', Hayley Atwell joins the gang to talk fake porn, Shakespeare and her singing career that never was... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Now this week we're very, very honoured because we've got one of our greatest actresses. Hayley Atwell is with us. Hello. Hello. Good morning, thanks for having me. Oh, youwell is with us. Hello. Hello. Good morning. Thanks for having me. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks for the pastries and the coffee.

Yeah, I've got some croissants, some pain au chocolat. Pain au chocolat. Is that an almond? I don't really know what it is. I just asked for pastries in the shop. And the ratio of pastries to people is very high. There's sort of 30 pastries per person. Very generous.

And weirdly, I'm the only one who's eaten one so far. And you've still got a little bit of chocolate around your mouth. Have I? Brilliant, yeah. Hayley, is this weird for you? You've been listening to us in your ears and now you have to see us with your eyes. Well, I am slightly starstruck.

I have to say, you guys have been in my lives now for three years and I actually was introduced to it by your Duchess, I suppose. If you were to make a film version, you've mentioned that she would be the Duchess. Dame Emma Thompson has introduced me to this. Is that how you found it? That's how I found it, through Dame Emma. And Dame listens to this podcast. We went on holiday and we gave each other all kind of books that we were reading, kind of swap book thing.

And in between a proof copy of Stephen Fry's Mythos book and Jonathan Safran Froh's latest novel was your book which was the one that was read back to back and passed around the holiday with delight and joy and I got back to London started listening to the podcast and I'd be walking around Battersea Park with my dog in the mornings listening to it and at one point this man came over to me because I was bent over and he thought I was crying because I was really upset. I couldn't breathe. I was laughing so much. So, yeah, it's been a big part of my life. So have you and Emma listened to the podcast together?

Have you sat down? We've read the book together. And her daughter Gaia sent me a photograph of her wallpaper, which looks just like, I think actually is pomegranates. Yeah, she sent me the same picture. Have you seen it? I don't think Emma was that impressed with her choice. Did she choose it for you guys? What?

Well, I got a pomegranate Christmas ornament from Paperchase last year as a homage to you guys. That's cute. Not as big an investment, but thank you anyway. Not true, fam. Cutting my walls is the last thing i see before i close my eyes at night do you have a saved in your phone as dame m uh i have a saved in my phone as romance crab as romance crab please explain i don't know how to say this she um a couple of friends of her friends met some people at a pub uh like a date

kind of thing and she didn't want to cramp their style because she saw that there was flirting going on but she did want to kind of suggest that people could go back to hers to um carry this on fornicate yeah oh yeah and so but the way she kind of did i watched her kind of she scuttled sideways like a crab and just kind of going, if you want to come this way, we've got champagne, or you can stay here, or whatever you want to do. And then kind of scuttled sideways off again, like a crab. And so she's now a romance crab in my thoughts.

I love that. Are you usually a prudy person or are you quite open with sexy stuff? In my personal life i am disgusting like in in terms of my language if i mean i'm just smutty is the next person i do oh my god i do i say swear words and everything um but obviously you know being like on stage at the moment doing shucks beer exactly it's about knowing your audience isn't it so um it depends on who i'm talking to if i'm meeting 12 year old fans of marvel at a convention i might tailor it sure rain in the f bombs the c bombs yeah although actually

they're probably quite probably fine what's up dickheads because yeah you're in shakespeare at the minute yeah it's measure for measure right yeah i mean it whiffs of Rocky Flintstone I have to say so it's a it's known as a problem play because like batshit crazy things happen in it and at one point in rehearsals we were like do you think he just wrote fast for money in this second because dad and yeah and will there's like a line where I say I something do excuse the thing I hate and my co-actor Jack Loudon

was like do you think he just thought he'd fill in the something later on that's when you put a load of X's

yeah yeah like oh I'll fill this in later like I need a word there so something do so this feels very Rocky Flintstone to me

there's also kind of there's some the great lines I've been listening to in season four of there's a lot of, um, there's some, the great lines I've been listening to in season four of, uh, there's a lot of exclamation marks. I love my life.

Yeah. I love my life. I love my friends. I love Turkey. I love, I love, I love, yeah.

And it's kind of big, bold statements with exclamation marks. And I, when I listened to that, I then went on stage and I have this bit that I find quite difficult to do because it's four statements with exclamation marks. And they are, Unhappy Claudio, Wretched Isabel,

Endurious World, Most Damned Angela. And all I've got in my head is, I love Turkey. I love my friends. I love Chardonnay. Wretched me. Similar messages.

Wretched Flintstones, for sure. And then By Your Leave is in the play. Duke says to me, now buy your leave. And that's something that's... There's triggers everywhere. How are you getting through this very well lauded play? I find like I'm slightly schizophrenic. I feel like I'm in Rocky's Measure for Measure.

Yeah. No, don't give him any ideas, please. He will adapt to all of Shakespeare. No, but you give him any ideas, please. He will adapt all of Shakespeare. No, but you're obviously not the first person to compare him to Shakespeare. Michael Sheen did the same. So I do think in hundreds of years, Belinda Blinked is going to be made into a play

and it's going to be performed around the world. Hundreds of years. Listen to what you're saying. If we're still alive, not us. That's how long it will take, the distance you need to be able to reflect. Society will have to regress so far that Flintstone is deemed one of the true artists of his time. Wow.

That is the age of Trump right there. We've often said, can you imagine it being in schools? I think it should be in schools just to teach kids what not to do. Sometimes that's a useful teaching device. Yeah. I think we're conquering teenage pregnancy just by how awful it is. Yeah, certainly turning me off sex for sure. It's not useful teaching device. Yeah. I think we're conquering teenage pregnancy just by how awful it is. Yeah, certainly turning me off sex, for sure. It's not erotic.

No. In the similar way that any sex scene I've had to do as an actor, and hopefully those days are over, now I can be a bit older and more discerning, because they're as erotic to film them as they are listening to this podcast. Because of just the number of people that have stood around like poking and prodding and... That's the least of our problems. I mean, when we did Pillars of the Earth with Eddie Redmayne, he wore a beige nappy.

And he had lots of fake tan on. And when he sweated, because it was the height of summer in Hungary where we were filming, he would sweat tan on me. And so I'd like I've been tangoed and he looked a bit like an Oompa Loompa as well and it's just a lot of kind of grunting but with someone who's essentially become your brother over the last few weeks yeah so it does take away do I dare ask why the nappy was that just that's just how he works? It's a creative choice. Right, sure, yeah. You know, we all have our little quirks.

Anything that helps us get into character. He wants the full-on nappy. I thought, I think, Dominic Cooper in The Duchess, I didn't have sex scenes with him, but Keira Knightley did, and they said that he chose a sock. Right.

A flesh-coloured sock, which he brought from home. He knitted himself. He had to size. But then i know some actresses to ensure that um in the editing process they're not going to be seen more than they agreed or wanted yes they'll put on like funny little plasters on their nipples that are multicolored right or something ridiculous so there's absolutely no way it can include that's good for trust isn't it it's like no i fully believe in the project fully believe in you but also these little mickey mouse plasters are going all over the old yeah you have to put like a well-placed arm and things

like that and everything it's almost choreographed yes absolutely which is um really sexy to choreograph your own pleasure it's like dancing with a big man baby type thing. I mean, literally, with Eddie Redmayne. Maybe that was what your Golden Globe nomination was for, just to endure the nappy. I think it is. Yeah, they were just impressed with that. That's what you really get paid for, the endurance of the just utter humiliation

that goes with being an actor. Now, you've had experiences online with porn, haven't you? You were telling us just before. Wow. You don't have to share, James,'s really personal she told us well i have um so this is i think something that most people i bet there's ones of you guys you know fake porn accounts where your face is superimposed onto porn what i bet you there is. If you dig deep enough, you'll probably find your face is super important. Oh my goodness.

Stop digging. I have a WhatsApp group for all the people involved in Agent Carter and they discovered some porn of me, of my face. I was going to say,

from the old days. From the old days, back in the day. I hope to be more discerning soon, but yeah. I've graduated to Shakespeare now um but we found some and the best ones are um when they're really badly superimposed so they give me like extra chins or one I've noticed that consistently I've always

got really bad hair like worse than my own hair which often on my day off is as bad as you can see it today it's terrible but they're really awful and they would be really disturbing. And I sometimes, the feminist in me gets really angry, but also reclaiming them for my own enjoyment and amusement in my social circle is basically what's gotten me through the trauma of thinking of a 14-year-old boy in the basement of his gran's house. Why don't they include your real hair? They just cut literally your face and not your actual hair.

That's what I find most insulting. Yeah. They've gone, we need to just, yeah. The hair needs to go. But is it because you were in like Christopher Robin or something and you had like, that's not doing it for me. I need to like cut that out. It's all a bit prim.

I just want the face. Just the face. She sent them to me last night. Do you guys want to see them? Obviously. Why did you send these to me last night? What are you two chatting about? It's really late.

It's really late. I was like, good bed. I was just sitting there. I was googling myself. My poor boyfriend sat there going, this is wrong on so many levels. There you go. Oh!

Look how proud I look. I'm so smug. You're very smug in that one, actually. Really knowing. How limber you are. You're so bendy. I think your hair looks lovely. Thank you.

That one, yes. Very glossy. Very much. I would also question whether other things have been superimposed. Like the giant arsehole. I didn't want to say, but yeah. I didn't know if that was yours or not, so I didn't want to say but yeah I didn't I didn't know if that was yours or not

so I didn't want to obviously apart from the fact that you're is it called presenting you're kind of exposed yeah

there's a kind of Kate Middleton vibe I mean apart from the pose but I'm also it's very you know when Joe Lysett does pictures of himself close up in the bath

and he gives himself all these chins like his face is disappearing into his neck it's kind of what i'm doing i honestly think you look beautiful there's more let me find another particular oh that's a bit of um polishing the table oh wow a bit of light housework yeah um hayley's legs well hayley's legs the porn actress's legs are splayed and she has her vagina pressed against a bar. Against the edge of the table. She's polishing. A bit of spring cleaning there.

Oh, wow. This is quite hardcore. I think that's quite real. It's well photoshopped, if it is photoshopped. That's Eddie Redmayne. I'm definitely at work there. I don't think it's for my own pleasure given my face is

No you're not focused you're not there you're like Very Belinda task at hand Very Belinda Just getting the deal done It's also got a watermark

and a website I think she'd like to do some research on that one It says hayleyatwell.org that's what it is How do you feel about that? Because it is batshit and kind of creepy And graphic yeah this is my life guys don't be hacked as children listening don't do anything but uh but but um uh i feel

slightly violated uh but there is a way to reclaim it back yeah and that it to James late into the night late at night on a Sunday good for you sister because James was just saying he felt quite violated so you're really you're continuing the chain I'm bringing you all down with me you will suffer

like me do you think that this is all kind of rooted because of the Marvel stuff do you think that's where these kind of more intense fans have come from

or do you think it is Howard Zend? Because you never can tell, can you? They are filth. The Enforcer is known for having real filth bags who follow his work. Well, I mean, the wig that I wore in Howard Zend does resemble a poo emoji. Oh, does it? It really does. Did it get you the job in the Winnie the Pooh film?

But you obviously have famously played an agent, Agent Carter, Peggy. Yeah, but there's a spy kind of vibe going on in this series. Exactly. We now have Helga, who's an agent. Did you have to do any kind of research? Like, did you go and hang out with... That was so critical. Did you do anything to that?

Did you even read the script? I went to agent provocateur um no no um similar to Rocky Flintstone I just like to let my creative juices kind of live in the moment as opposed to any proper research into actually what it takes to

write anything um but it's not the marvel fans that send me this sort of thing at all they're very wholesome and lovely it's nice to if i have a character that is going to follow me around the world no matter what i do if i'm doing this play at the moment and i get fans from marvel they just want to know about peggy and um is that not quite annoying well um yeah because well it depends on the mood really if I've come out and been like oh it's exhausting work so hard doing Shakespeare and someone's like um uh so can I talk to you about Thanos and I'm like I've had people who

who came dressed as Agent Carter in the audience of the book it's been like a sea of red hats well using your Agent Carter background, any suspicions about who the special one is? Have you got a theory about who it could be? I think it's someone we've already met, isn't it? Yeah, I think it'd be hard to believe that he'd do somebody completely new because that would be too shit for even Dad.

Wouldn't be a surprise. Yeah. But, you know. Like, whoa. And it's this person. And here's their biography. This is what they're all about. They were on holiday the whole time.

Exactly. But, because I thought the phantom at the wedding was going to be. Something good. Something good. I still, by season four, I still have high hopes that something good's going to happen. I don't think anyone else could sustain that kind of hope like Rocky. Because in anything else you'd have given up. You'd thought no i know what this is now but we all are like no no no no the phantom of the wedding could be something and then our hopes are dashed again

and yet we come back for more i do like that i've noticed in um season four especially the first earlier episodes have been less about plot and more about kind of setting. So we've had a church where God appeared and then the kind of the mystical hallucinatory, like the cave den. Cave den. Yeah, taramics flu. Oh, I was trying to remember what that was. I kept thinking of like a tamahawk paddle.

Tamarin sword. No, because those are all real words. But he's taught me a word I didn't know. Decapod? Decapod, yes. Crustacean? Yes. And we were all like,

oh no, that one's actually the best kind. We'll allow that one. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need.

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And I wondered if that part of your merch might include a recipe book, the Slim Lime tonic. I think that could do really well, recipe book. The Slim Lime Tonic. I think that could do really well, actually. Definitely. Slim Lime. Slim Lime. Slim Lime. Slim Lime Tonic.

Slim Lime Tonic. The turkey sandwich without the bread. Yes. It was like... You spent time in Hollywood, I'm sure, in LA. I mean, that would go down very well. There you go. It's the keto version.

We just live on turkey out there. I mean that would go down very well there you go it's the keto version we just live on turkey out there but I thought that the turkey sandwich was Belinda and Sam and turkey in the middle of it that they were the sandwich

they were the bread oh my god that's good that is good that's gross probably not because Rocky doesn't think that far ahead but I like that that's an interpretation I can get on board with it also says a lot about your private life Gross. Probably not, because Rocky doesn't think that far ahead. But I like that. I like that theory.

That's an interpretation I can get on board with. Yeah. It also says a lot about your private life. It's the old turkey sandwich. I've seen it before. Hi, Mum. The gooseberry yoghurt with papaya slithers. Delicious.

Was quite good. I mean, that sounds a little you know nigella which is like a tangle of okra sounds a bit sexy m&s not any old not any old pudding oh my god could you do blue cheese fish mousse in the m&s voice this is not any old snack this is blue cheese fish mousse on a bed of distressed lettuce oh lovely snack i'm now thinking we're misquoting they don't say any old any old this isn't any old fucking pudding this isn't any old pasty um oh gosh well you've actually brought something with you right well i i actually discovered quite recently a photograph of me wearing a t-shirt that I remember that I was very fond of when I was about nine.

And it didn't occur to me until quite recently that I have actually been advertising a porn company since 1990. And reaping the benefits, I'm sure. Those pictures make way more sense now. So I brought a copy of myself at Madam Tussauds with my grandma This is a picture of Sorry what? Oh you bought the physical copy Yeah

Yeah so this is a picture of me, my grandma and David Bowie Advertising a porn company Electric blue casting director So I don't know how I got hold of this t-shirt But this was a soft porn company in the 80s What the fuck Yeah and I'd go to school with that t-shirt on And how did my mum not know

Only only Read I mean it's quite obvious what that might suggest it is Also you're the casting director Where did you get it from I don't know. I think. And why was it in a child's size?

Oh, God. Also your knee high white socks. Yes, please. Thank you very much. They're like the ballet shoe. Like there's a lot going on. And I've not even glanced at the rather awful wax work of David Bowie. Does he have odd eye colours?

He does. They've got that in. That's his kind of let's dance China girl phase. Yeah. The glass spider tour. Yeah. Yeah. But again, where did you get it from?

Okay. So I think, right. You're even clutching the bottom of it to make sure the full logo is straight. Like, sorry, do we have the t-shirt in the shop? If they did a wax work of me, I want to be in that t-shirt. Oh my God, yeah, please. please to resurrect it just for a fourth and final time where did you get it from so i think my i think in the area that i lived in the owner of this company lived and i think i may have babysat his son once. Oh God. And somehow, what happened to you?

What happened to you paid with the t-shirt? I don't know. Oh my God. Or he thought you did such a good job, he made you the casting director of his company. From the electric blue casting director to the Donmar warehouse. It's been quite a fruitful journey.

Can I post that on Instagram? You can. As long as you take my poor grandma out of this. Let's leave grandma out of this. She doesn't need to be brought down by this smart. No, quite right. She's a lady. Well, speaking of casting,

we've got to ask the question. Yes. Who do you want to play in the movie of Belinda Blint? Can I play one of the guys? Sure, yeah. I'd quite like to play Alfie. The smallish man. The sound man.

The smallish man dressed in black. Smallish. The smallish man. It's quite a small cameo though. I mean if you're taking your pick of the parts, you wouldn't be in it for very long. No such thing as small parts, James. Sorry, I'm sure. Is that a saying?

Yeah, so there is a kind of a saying which is, I think we first heard it in drama school, that there's no such thing as a small part, only a small actor. So that you could, if you is a kind of a saying, which is, I think we first heard it in drama school, that there's no such thing as a small part, only a small actor. So that you could, if you take a small part, you can make it. I mean, this is both those two things, actually. That's right.

He's one of the few where on the Venn diagram, he's both. But I have imagined, anytime you've cast someone, I've imagined it being more of like a drunk history vibe in that you film their faces but it's you it's you dubbing over with your voice because i think if it was to be um televised it would really lose a lot if it didn't have your interpretation and your performance um yeah well i mean it's up for debate i mean we don't know we don't know what we'd lose how on earth did you do that with a straight face this is what i deal with every day so you want to play alfie what kind of things would you do to get into the role of alfie are you a method kind

of person would you go and like mic people up just to get a feel for it if i've got a lot of time on my hands i might go and do a bit of methody thing just to make it look like i'm like working really hard yeah um but i'm not really a method actor um at all uh really at all do you believe in it sometimes i'm a bit like calm down no i don't believe in it because i have had the great fortune to meet brilliant actors in my life who are really cool and down to earth day men being one obviously but i once met meryl streep for example and lots of you know great actors who um aren't method which means that on cut and when they go home they can live their normal lives and not inflict whatever intense experience they're having on people around everybody else yeah and then so

me seeing performances by people who weren't method made me go as a young actor who was still going, I don't know how to do this, like figuring out what's my way, my process. I thought if it's possible, I'd rather not do it then. I'd rather figure out how to be really good and then not do it. Because if it is possible, then I don't want to do that to other people. It's really selfish person. And I know this would be like a headline of the deal of meal. particularly on really selfish person and i know this would be like a headline of the dealer meal at well calls who's uh whatever we're not gonna go there i'm not gonna give them a daily mail headline i think we will dustin hoffman i think at well was a child casting director for a porn

agency is probably going to be the headline act well yeah and it's interesting as well because it's like you're an actor the whole job is that you are creating something and it isn't real whereas if you go to method and it becomes real are you even acting anymore is it is it a craft or is it just what is acting are we not all acting in some way you know we have many masks that's's so funny you say that because Jamie was in a childhood band. And he wrote a very moving song called Masks. And one of the incredible lines in it is masks, hiding personalities, masks, hiding feelings too. Masks, hiding away all your pain.

Personalities, hiding away. That pain. Personalities hiding away. That's really deep. It was. I was a very, very traumatised child. How have we never talked about that? Yeah. What I love is that you both know the lyrics. You are word perfect, guys.

Well done. Have you guys talked about this on the podcast? No, I don't think so. So, Jamie, what's the melody? Masks. Hiding personalities. Masks. Hiding feelings too masks hiding away all your pain personalities hiding away personalities go i was gonna try and come in there i don't i've never had this song before

there was there was other hits. Um, running away from the butcher's dog. That was my Bowie one. Running away from the butcher's dog. Running, running, running,

running. I just have this. How old were you? Oh, like 27. I have an image of you in your bedroom with your back to the door. As your dad, like passing it, opening it, seeing the back of you on like a keyboard, having like a...

Your demo mode. Reset demo mode. And you talking about hiding away my pain in the mask. It was me and my sister. What was your band called? Yeah, what were they? We were called, well, there are two names. we were called well there are two names i thought that we were called the universe but my sister says that we were called two for two which i don't think we were but that's what she calls

universe that's quite good that reminds me of a dt project that i had to do when i was 14 design technology for the international listeners and you had to be that was right you had to be, that was right, you had to do a package as a music producer. Oh, that's cool. And so you had to come up with a label name. What school did you go to? But I called my music label Universe. And the tagline was Uni is in one, verse, song, universe, there is only one song. There is only one universe.

There is only one song. What a great record label, we have one song there is only one universe there is only one song what a great record label we have one song we're going to take over the world guys so we recorded a song and I still remember some of the lyrics today it was called I don't want to go to school today

and it goes I don't want to go to school today because I love you boy but i can't pretend that you don't belong to my best friend i don't want to go to school today and you know why baby oh my god that was great wow there is only one song i remember that don't i've got to be going don't know what i'm supposed to do. Don't know where I should go. It's true.

I've been avoiding coming face to face with my emotions. Coming face to face with you. I don't want to go to school today. It's good. I'm loving it. I love you, boy, but I can't pretend that you don't belong to my best friend. That's my favourite bit. That's my favourite bit. Yeah. But I can't pretend that you don't belong to my best friend that's my favourite bit that's my favourite

bit yeah but again pretend that bit yeah and then what's that bit where it all drops we don't know the

song so I mean like when you write a song what's that bit where you just go the bridge and it goes um wait hang on

what's the bit where and I hope and pray one day it'll be alright it'll be alright right. It'll be all right. Everything changed when you first kissed me. Everything's upside down.

Now I can't face her face in the classroom. But tonight, pray you'll come around. Oh, my God. I think we could make the whole song out of all that. Our listeners are really creative. So anyone who wants to go and make that into an actual song, please do. There might be copyright issues. I don't know what happened to the recording or who this person was.

Maybe he worked for the Electric Blue. Softball and Company. That was beautiful. Thank you. That was so good. I'm crying. You really got into it as well. You really like.

I feel like you guys should go in the studio together. Should we resurrect the universe? Wow. I feel like you guys should go in the studio together Jamie and Hayley should we resurrect the universe wow that's quite that's quite a suggestion what an invitation beautiful well Hayley thank you so much

for joining us it's been so much fun thank you so much for having us I'm still slightly starstruck seeing you all together around the kitchen table thanks for the pastries you're welcome

thanks for the coffee you didn't eat one are you going to eat eat one now i'm gonna take one for the road aka the bin outside yeah busted be honest when was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy here's the thing if current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month.

Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.