My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: James Haskell

Episode Date: October 11, 2018

England rugby star and Belinker James Haskell joins the gang to talk royal weddings, drilldos and the mad, mad world of 'Belinda Blinked' Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, the footnotes now for our guest this week. We have England international rugby legend, James Haskell. Hello. How's it going? Oh my God, I am so excited. This is the single greatest achievement of my life. I've been invited by my dad, wrote a poem, and I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.
Starting point is 00:00:31 It's been a long time coming, this. We've been trying to organise this for ages. I know, we've been talking, and I obviously came down to the very first live show, which I thought was incredible. I brought Chloe along. She's very upset that she's not here this evening. This is your other half.
Starting point is 00:00:45 Yeah, she wanted to come and watch, I think. And I basically think, no, no, you're not invited. She's a boy, yeah. So I don't think she's going to be at home when I'm there. I think the wedding's off. But anyway, I risk it all for My Dad Wrote a Porno. Well, we appreciate it. We appreciate you being here.
Starting point is 00:00:58 Now, James, you have been so diligent that you've made notes. Yes, I have for every kind of series i mean for every series no let me explain okay so so my dad wrote a point it's such a roller coaster as you know right it's so intense it's so exciting there's so much going on but it's also one of the things i hear and then i need an instant hotline to call in because i have so many questions and so many queries and like i want to like interrupt and say oh my god what was Rocky thinking what was he doing like Des Martin was it then the last one who lives in a bedsit why has he made him live in a bedsit driving an orange car it's like what but it's like he's such a sorry state and the guy with all the
Starting point is 00:01:36 video cameras um Ken Dewsbury in a shady flat with like you know his mildew and like skids on the toilet and like horrible things he's got cameras that he didn't even use it's like what madman wrote this book that's the issue they didn't use the cameras yeah what's the problem you're gonna make a home video and he tallied her down with bits of old newspaper like there's nothing erotic about that why is there boggy pussies everywhere i can't well that's a valid question can't you bring it all flooding back james so i think i'd block most of of my head, but it's suddenly all become real again. The start of Book 4 was set at a wedding. There was like three...
Starting point is 00:02:10 We thought we were going to be at the wedding for the whole of Book 4. It went on forever, that wedding, Giselle's wedding. And we were like, well, it's the wedding of the year, but obviously there was another big wedding this year that you went to. The royal wedding. Yeah. How was it? Unbelievable. Everything you'd want it to be, actually.
Starting point is 00:02:26 I was kind of blown away about the whole affair I've been lucky enough to know her for quite a while and I couldn't believe I got the
Starting point is 00:02:31 invite I thought it must be a mistake I was like they're never letting me anywhere I am surprised
Starting point is 00:02:35 as well to be honest a lot of people were they checked it at the door several times the queen was like
Starting point is 00:02:41 what the fuck is he doing here shoot that band and I just think it was awesome I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go I was supposed to be
Starting point is 00:02:49 playing that day but I got injured convenient I did actually everyone made that everyone made that point it was like oh you know you should have been there
Starting point is 00:02:56 supporting the team I tried all week to get fit to do it and also Harry and Megan were getting married so guys I know it was one of those things
Starting point is 00:03:03 and we ended up sadly we lost the game, which is a shame. But I was at the wedding and it was amazing. Was there anything like Giselle's wedding? No. No. But again, the wedding's an interesting one because of how apologetic your dad is about sex. How he just legitimately lets someone get fingered in the middle of the church.
Starting point is 00:03:19 I know. I would have thought of all the places nothing could have possibly gone on. He would have written church. Yeah. She'd go go oh my god I've had the time of my life I'm coming he's like
Starting point is 00:03:28 it's an unwritten rule isn't it I mean it's not a tango mandolin but you know don't diddle someone in a church but there was none of that going on obviously
Starting point is 00:03:34 did you meet Oprah do you know what I didn't I met Tom Hardy oh he's a nice guy I bet you guys got on like a house on fire I think
Starting point is 00:03:42 I got a bit fanboy on him did you make him do the bane voice no i don't know that is a bit weird i didn't like make him do anything i think i've been a bit a bit like go on mate go on do the thing put me in a headlock like a warrior um i tell you i did this is the best moment of my entire life that happened at the wedding and i don't want to sound it's gonna sound really wanky i'll tell you anyway i went to uh a gig of elton johns at the wedding and I don't want to sound, it's going to sound really wanky, but I'll tell you anyway. I went to a gig of Elton John's at the iTunes Festival a while ago and I managed to get backstage and meet him. Amazing guy, actually, with Nicholas Holt.
Starting point is 00:04:11 That's where I met him. Oh, yeah. I met him. Anyway, fast forward a couple of years to the royal wedding. I'm talking to Chloe and I get a tap on the shoulder. I turn around and it's Elton John.
Starting point is 00:04:20 Fuck off. Sir Elton to you. Sir Elton. Sorry, Christ. Sorry. Professor Sir Elton, legend of theton sorry Christ sorry Professor Sir Elton legend of the John and he said
Starting point is 00:04:28 hello James how are you and I was like oh my are you serious I literally almost had a fucking full meltdown
Starting point is 00:04:36 and I was like I'm very good and we had a little chat I told him how much I loved him in you know the Kingsman Magic Circle oh yeah
Starting point is 00:04:41 yes because he played himself you know and he's just so of his whole body of work yeah that was the thing that you drenched up of the Kingsman Magic Circle. Oh yeah. Yes. Because he played himself, you know, and he's just so, he's just so awesome. Of his whole body of work. Yeah. That was the thing
Starting point is 00:04:48 that you drenched up. No, well, people rate Tiny Dancer. Can I just say? Can I just say, the cameo in that was unbelievable. And then he went and performed
Starting point is 00:04:56 four songs, kind of where, you know, as close as you guys are to me. That's amazing. And for me, that was the best thing. Just watching Elton sing,
Starting point is 00:05:03 like that close to him and everyone having a great time and obviously hearing the speeches and stuff was were you there the whole day
Starting point is 00:05:08 you were a full day guest don't sound surprised that's me I do qualify but it was just awesome there's one person I didn't meet which I really wanted to
Starting point is 00:05:17 was Idris Elba he's the man I love Luther he's a dear personal friend is he no I've interviewed him once he's a dear personal friend is he? no I've interviewed him once he wouldn't remember me but
Starting point is 00:05:27 I don't think Elton John remembered me maybe he will I mean James we all know why Elton John remembered you he was google image searching he actually loves his rugby
Starting point is 00:05:35 unbelievably oh there you go yeah yeah so yeah I'll shut right up or I do look good with my clothes on I'm not going to lie
Starting point is 00:05:42 body like Baywatch face like crime watch as I've been told many times have people already said that to you oh all the time or the prawn
Starting point is 00:05:49 rip your head off your left of the best bit unbelievable scenes isn't it luckily I've got like a cast iron cast iron I go and cry a lot
Starting point is 00:05:58 Chloe's got to pick up the piece right sure it's fine but also yeah that is one of the problems it's one of the problems
Starting point is 00:06:04 it's one of the problems I like that of the problems it's one of the problems I like that James Cooper thought you were one of the revelers that were just gathering outside come on Megan no
Starting point is 00:06:12 come on no no no come on sock have you seen George's day well done sunshine she's a corker I've got my lovely plate with both your faces on it
Starting point is 00:06:19 looks great waving a flag I've got my miniatures will you sign them oh yeah it was actually inside, James. I can't believe that. Congratulations.
Starting point is 00:06:27 That's fun. Thank you. Yeah. But do you have to reign it in a bit more than a normal wedding? Because you're not going to get off your face, are you, at the royal wedding? I bet you did. I have got some amazing stories, which are not even from this one, actually. I was very lucky to go to Mike Tindall and Z phillips's wedding so this isn't your first royal wedding guilty
Starting point is 00:06:49 i know you thought you were doing me a favor getting me on this podcast i will throw him a boat he's been waiting for fucking 40 years he will not stop fucking ringing me um but no actually i think you found some friends in the interim i'm big time there's at least five of your listeners who know who i am people called me a prawn but actually i think i've finally done many front covers um was that one mental oh incredible i i i woke up the next day and i was like this what did i do and i honestly just the full dread heart the dread heart like the absolute sketch of all sketches like i had that like monkey just on my back like you're gonna die what have you done the demons i had like the demons from hell the back like you're gonna die what have you done
Starting point is 00:07:25 the demons i had like the demons from hell the drink demons so much so that i sat on the train on the way back from scotland just like head on the window going oh my god this is the worst moment of my entire life like what did i do what did i do is worse than i can't believe i did that well actually no it was more i don't get blackout drunk i remember every single detail every single detail what can you give us one? Well, I picked out one member of the royal family and was carrying him around. I was like trying to take him home with me.
Starting point is 00:07:50 Against their will? Sort of. They said no, I said yes. That's how it goes. That's probably why he invited you to his own wedding. It was clearly Harry. Possibly. So where did you manage to get them to?
Starting point is 00:08:02 Well, pretty far until the armed police had got to put them down. I'll tell you off air. Really? Oh, my God. Turn the microphones off. We've definitely turned them off, James. Why is that red light still blinking?
Starting point is 00:08:14 That explains that shrapnel wound. Okay, bye. That limp. So you're getting married. Yes. What are you planning for your wedding? We've got to do a legal one in the UK. You're doing an abroad wedding
Starting point is 00:08:25 we are doing I knew you would yeah the one episode you talk about is your sister's getting yeah she's having an abroad wedding yeah
Starting point is 00:08:31 isn't that a thing wasn't it the very statement an abroad wedding isn't a thing it's not a thing no it is a thing destination wedding
Starting point is 00:08:37 make it a thing fine I'm having an abroad wedding but I've got to legally get married in here not in here that would be amazing that would be amazing we're going to go Broad wedding. But I've got to legally get married in here. Not in here. That would be amazing.
Starting point is 00:08:47 That would be amazing. We're going to go do it, I think, in Greece. Lovely. Would you like Rocky to officiate? I've got to meet him. Tell you what, we've got to have a night on the piss and actually get to know him and then... Yeah. Because I think it would be a bit weird
Starting point is 00:08:58 if he did it without knowing. I think you know him pretty intimately from the podcast, to be honest. Yeah, I do. Part of me really wants to meet him. Part of me doesn't want to meet him because I just don't want to have the illusion shattered. He would intimately from the podcast. Yeah, I do. Part of me really wants to meet him, part of me doesn't want to meet him because I just don't want to have the illusion shattered. He would live up to the hype.
Starting point is 00:09:10 He is... Do meet your heroes. Oh, in this case, absolutely. James, we need to go out on a night out with Rocky. I think you'll have a great time. I think you're the blokiest bloke we've ever had on this podcast. I'd say that's a compliment. Can I get a...
Starting point is 00:09:22 Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's... We're all drinking beer In tribute We wouldn't usually do this We're just trying to look good In front of you You're looking really pained You'll be spitting it out
Starting point is 00:09:31 Behind yourself I loves me the lager Beaks Beaks is my favourite beer No what is your perspective On how the men Are portrayed in these books Because we kind of
Starting point is 00:09:42 Talked before about You know like you were saying They all kind of Live pathetic lives They're kind of Aw before about you know like you're saying they all kind of live pathetic lives they're kind of awful characters they're awful characters I just think some of them
Starting point is 00:09:49 are like apologetic like they're just their capabilities you know you know Belinda's obviously is I'm not sure her techers are that great
Starting point is 00:09:56 I don't think she's ever like I think she just thinks she's so good and her boobs are so superior to every other woman that she's winning the weight what happens if she's
Starting point is 00:10:02 met a man that isn't into her boobs well you know an ass man for example yeah and i just think they're just kind of i don't think that man exists james i don't think that man i'm a bum man straight up so you've not seen belinda's boobs though yeah i suppose they'll turn even the bummiest of men she never seems to be her mind i mean her mind's got a mind of its own it's all in a voice where she's always having that inner monologue with herself about herself but all the guys are like apologetic and either
Starting point is 00:10:26 a mutant rank penis that sheds skin and fires blue semen or I wonder who you could be talking about or like incompetent
Starting point is 00:10:34 oral skills or just I don't know yeah I don't know none of them are like actually
Starting point is 00:10:41 that manly and that good I think there's this Spooner bloke James Spooner who's lasered her you know her dress off with cufflink lasers
Starting point is 00:10:49 and somehow didn't burn her face her eyes or nose off he could potentially be the first manly man and because he's got a voice for Sean Connery
Starting point is 00:10:56 I'm expecting massive things from him I'm really glad that you knew that it was Sean Connery as well that means that my accents are kind of improving guys
Starting point is 00:11:03 so for you he's the laddiest of the lads? Yes, I think so. Peter Rouse. Went off the boil a bit though, didn't he, Pete? Yeah, but which one was the cowboy? Yeah, Hank Skank.
Starting point is 00:11:12 Yeah, Hank Skank. But the one where he like, he describes his big, thick, like farmer's fingers or ranch's hands. And you know what, I can imagine like big, gnarled like sausage fingers.
Starting point is 00:11:22 But even then, they don't do a proper job on anything. Proper job! This is the frustrating thing. This is the one thing that I've got with my dad. Nobody has done a proper job on anyone. Not one of them's had decent sex. That's my problem.
Starting point is 00:11:34 It's all kind of like a mishmash of terrible things. Do you know what, I've not heard one erotic story and gone, this is unbelievable, I'm actually getting a little bit fired up here. Smoke up the arse? That was unbelievable as well because I wondered, i know there was like always a bit of nervous tension was he going to go into realms of anal like he hasn't he stayed away from there and then he went you know what no one's going to play with an ass we're just going to put smoke on it and they're going to blow smoke out of it and i'm thinking she hasn't prepared for that what was
Starting point is 00:11:59 if she had a like a big morning like i don't you know what i mean i just don't think mechanically it just didn't work for me okay sure just the logistics of it yeah i just don't think you could just willy-nilly go sticking cigars or smoke up people's bottoms and then i'm not sure it's that erotic and please don't if you're listening go and willy-nilly stick cigars or smoke up people's bottoms he almost self-sabotages do you know i mean i throw something in there that's so off-key like a phrase like the way he described um bish you know yellow teeth and his breath you're like he hasn't brushed his teeth properly he's got some sort of terrible lung problem he's coughing he's wheezing and then she's licked semen off his flaccid penis
Starting point is 00:12:35 i'm like why couldn't you just make it like a little bit normal but then then the chapter end just as they're getting going belinda will spot some turkey and then the bloke will come and she'll go I'm amazing and then the chapter will end and it's like why how that just to let it roll just let it yeah develop yeah well what else is on your list I'm so intrigued yeah I made I literally made so many notes on this thing if my iPhone will open um I said the licking the cum off the flaccid penis. I've said that. I've covered that. I've said that. Pussy meat. He described that in one of those things. Oh, at Christmas. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:07 What are you picturing there? That was festive. A big red ham. But you know what? I'll tell you what it is. Some of the things he's... Okay, I'll let you into a little secret. There's two things.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Some of the anatomy he chooses, I reckon, has come out of like... There used to be a couple of porn mags that someone told me about. I can't see. I can't see. A friend of a friend told me. Escort and razzle
Starting point is 00:13:25 and he used to pay Reader's wives like £20 to expose themselves and it'd be like Debbie from Norwich and it would be like a big red fanny that would be like it was not great I imagine that's where he's like got some
Starting point is 00:13:37 was it just the genital area or were they in it? no it was boobs as well but like it was like on terrible bed sheets with like yeah kind of 70s.
Starting point is 00:13:45 Yeah, 70s thing. But you get paid £20, so you get like... 20 quid for a big red fanny! Yeah. Yeah, they've obviously trimmed it up for the photos and like... Trimmed what? Right, okay, yeah. And it's just not great, but you're getting 20 sheets, so that's why they're...
Starting point is 00:13:57 Yeah, quite right. That's why they're into it. So that's what I would describe as pussy meat. Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's what I'm thinking that is. Not that you've thought about it.
Starting point is 00:14:03 Yeah. Yeah. You've really I'm thinking that is. Not that you've thought about it. Yeah. You've really come with examples there. So a long time ago again, a friend of a friend of mine, hypothetically, initials JH, but it's just not related to me. Sure. Read some erotica. And in this particular book, penises were all getting lodged in and around the cervix. Lodged?
Starting point is 00:14:19 No. Around it. Or in it. Yeah. Like it was basically implying that this person had such a big. Hefty. Hefty penis. Right. That it was getting wedged in it, yeah. It was basically implying that this person had such a big, hefty penis, right, that it was getting wedged in and around there. And I thought to myself,
Starting point is 00:14:30 what if Rocky's had the same book? Because if you didn't know, you would think that cervix would play a role in normal sex, but obviously it clearly doesn't. So I wondered if he'd read the same book. Maybe. I mean, that might have been the only book that he had access to
Starting point is 00:14:45 in Northern Ireland and it was because obviously Northern Ireland you know it's quite straight line sex is a taboo yeah or was at least very Presbyterian
Starting point is 00:14:51 you're not selling porn magazines in shops your education is like from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who was once in England who saw something I imagine
Starting point is 00:14:58 from afar that's exactly how these books are someone shouted across the channel and it was quite foggy yeah grab a cervix what it's called vaginal labia vaginal lids that's the one Someone shouted across the channel. And it was quite foggy. Yeah, yeah. Grab a cervix. What?
Starting point is 00:15:07 It's called vaginal labia. Vaginal lids. That's the one. And Dad's been making his own lids for 50 years. Exactly. Shall we meet? Pussy meet? What?
Starting point is 00:15:15 Yes. Right. So I think that that's kind of happened. And I wonder if, because erotica might have been, it might have been smuggled in and he's spread it. Across the border. And his penis got lodged into the cervix. Where do you think he lived? Like a World War II kind of thing.
Starting point is 00:15:28 Parachuting stuff in, I imagine. Alice, it was a war zone when Dad grew up there. That's what you forget. Northern Ireland in the 70s, not great. I just didn't think that was the contraband.
Starting point is 00:15:36 Debbie in, where was she? Debbie from Norwich. No, I don't think he was getting porn, mate. I think he was getting written literature, I think, later on. I'd like to think
Starting point is 00:15:43 he's done some research because he got the eggs that kept falling out of the Duchess's fanny. Like, those eggs are supposed to stay in. There's no way they're slipping out. No way it's going to slip out. You know a lot about the eggs. I know a little about a lot of things, right. Well, I want to talk about this a little bit as well,
Starting point is 00:15:55 because last season we had Emma Sale on the show, who runs Killing Kittens. Could you possibly have been involved in any of the anecdotes that she may have mentioned? I actually know Emma very well. Yeah, I've got to know her. I couldn't possibly comment, to be honest with you. Hypothetically, possibly, maybe,
Starting point is 00:16:15 someone who looked a little bit like me might have looked through the letterbox of one of those parties and run away screaming back to church and to obviously um apologize for my sins to scour yourself yeah yeah alcohol body rubbing the whole thing no um but emily yes amazing those things i think uh if from what you've heard and seen through the letterbox what what kind of things are we seeing um well exactly what she kind of said it's kind of like a relaxed um orgy yeah i mean that's basically relaxed i think it's a very chilled out, rampant orgy.
Starting point is 00:16:47 I just think we've kind of gone full circle. It's obviously an ancient Rome that was kind of all ago. And then obviously as we've gone through it, and I imagine you've gone sort of all that, if you imagine a timeline, a progress, we've now got where we're freely talking about your dad's erotica on, you know, it's the biggest, was it biggest podcast in the world? Don't go on about that.
Starting point is 00:17:02 Sure, yeah, let's call it that, yeah. Biggest podcast in the world, like everybody lives and breathes this this this show because i wonder how jamie was conceived because there's no way he knows what he's doing your mom must be an angel and she must have the patience of a saint and she must have like noise cancelling headphones for when because you can't possibly read these books because i wonder if it was a bit like the harry enfield sketch where the two people mr and mrs chumley warner are sitting in bed it's black and white and they go well, shall we have sex?
Starting point is 00:17:26 And it's like, if you must, dear. The lights go off. They come back on again. They're both sick in bowls. Never talk of it again. And then the baby's delivered. That's how I imagine Jamie was created. I know.
Starting point is 00:17:36 It's quite a vivid image, isn't it? So you go to then, that's full circle. So those kind of things are now, we seem it's not very normal. But what Emma does, a lot of people buy into it it's quite fun uh from from what i've told um what a weird way of saying you were there i don't know what you're talking about how dare you say i was there i love that you tried to derail us via ancient rope and harry enfield yeah it's quite a good needless to say i had last up actually i should just write these books because books, because that's like a story from him. I've literally led you one place, one place,
Starting point is 00:18:06 told you nothing, and walked off. You are the true heir to Rocky Flintstone. Congratulations. One thing I wanted to talk about was, you know the Swedish man who's on the tendu? Oh, yes, yes. What's the standard shit? Oh, the Swedish man, yes.
Starting point is 00:18:19 The Swedish man. I think that could be me. Butch, the Virgin. Are you about to tell us your... A little bit of Swedish no no I was thinking your virginity story
Starting point is 00:18:28 have I portrayed myself as a bit of a sorry I don't know where you got that from I've absolutely done nothing and obviously Chloe and I don't believe in
Starting point is 00:18:34 sex before marriage so I thought in terms of like a of a character do you want to play Butch in the movie is that what you're trying to
Starting point is 00:18:42 yeah we'd have to reinvent some of his chat because it's pretty average and like the very fact he can't choose between five women and yeah we'd have to reinvent some of his chat because it's pretty average and like the very fact he can't choose between five women and go yes I'll have that
Starting point is 00:18:48 one because it's like you're being an absolute fanny mate like sort it out like what what you're worried about but I reckon I was trying to think who all these
Starting point is 00:18:56 people because I know you've got Elijah Woods chosen someone yeah yeah Nicholas Holt's chosen someone everyone's kind of chosen one you want a piece of this I just
Starting point is 00:19:03 think who would be like a Swedish I'm blonde yeah but no offense but you, a Swedish, I'm blonde. Yeah. But, no offence, but you aren't an actor, so. But I'm a man of many talents. Oh, this is true.
Starting point is 00:19:11 I know, you're not seen. You're a prawn, mate. Get out. I'm a prawn. Listen, if you lot are making a world-class podcast, anyone could do anything. That is true.
Starting point is 00:19:18 Amen, sister. Honestly, it's so, are you surprised how ramshackle it is? I love it, though. I love how it's all balanced on cookbooks, like. Yeah. Do you have a favourite character? I know you'd though. I love how it's all balanced on cookbooks. Yeah. Do you have a favourite character?
Starting point is 00:19:26 I know you'd like to maybe play Butch. You feel like you've got the right attributes for that. Although I maybe think you're a tiny bit old. How fucking dare you? I'm actually only 25. I know what you're thinking. 28, but he's had a hell of a paper round uphill into the wind. I'm actually 33, unbelievably.
Starting point is 00:19:43 Are you 33? Shocked, all of you shocked. Oh my God, I'm older than you. Are you? I'm 34. Hell's your moisturising regimen. I'll lent you. Yeah, no, I've aged badly.
Starting point is 00:19:53 You have, I have. Listen, you've been tackling people with your face for the last seven to nine years, getting beaten to shitless for a living. That's basically what happens. Use your arms and legs, I keep telling you. I can't, I can't. You've obviously never seen me.
Starting point is 00:20:03 Look at my hat, look. My fingers don't work anymore, I know my fingers don't work are you doing a claw no no that's it James has got a little finger that kind of bends you can't straighten that no I can't and that one can't straighten either
Starting point is 00:20:12 oh my god that little finger is ranking it it's horrible you just did that with it it's like that it's perfect like for the look at my strong hair
Starting point is 00:20:22 I'll give you a strong head I had them liquidated your little shit they're innocent so we can all do voices that was Dr. Evil as good as one of yours just stop trying to
Starting point is 00:20:30 take over the podcast sorry I always do that character wise trying to think who do you relate to anyone oh my god if you relate to someone
Starting point is 00:20:38 in this book you've got serious serious problems the Duchess I think I think I'm going to go with anyone because you know that nicotine stain voice
Starting point is 00:20:46 that kind of real husky thing I know you've changed her voice but I can imagine it just she looks like the one from something about Mary with her ears
Starting point is 00:20:55 yes great shout yeah like that but horrible constant nicotine stain oh Belinda oh my eggs have fallen out again
Starting point is 00:21:03 I don't know why she's gone northern, but you know what I'm saying? That's what I imagine it to be like. You have painted a picture with words there, yeah. And then she turns up in a 4x4 Land Rover with the gin van on the back and a bit like the Child Catcher,
Starting point is 00:21:16 just luring business women into the back of it. Gin and tonics, anyone? And then she puts it down, she shuts it and drives off, pulls out a zinc-lined case with a pneumatic Dr-do on it. Drill-do? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:27 I haven't heard that one before. You've not heard of it? No. A drill-do? A drill-do. Is that a thing? Yeah, it is, yeah. Google that later.
Starting point is 00:21:33 Obviously behind closed doors. Literally doing it now. Drill-do, yeah. It's quite aggressive. Whoa! Oh, my God. There's literally a hand drill. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:42 And then there's... Is that a butt plug? I'm unfamiliar with any of this stuff, so I wouldn't be able to comment. Sure, sure, sure. It's a compatible drill-do bit, and then there's a 10-inch realistic dildo, which I assume you attach to the drill. Does it have a battery pack? Because if anybody has used a drill, they know that it's really annoying to have to,
Starting point is 00:21:58 you know, when it's run out of battery. Alice, there's an AC adapter included. Oh, that's all I needed to know. Alice, how much drill-do are you planning on doing? This has got a five-hour thing. It it's gonna run for ages like what were you once i've started you might as well clear the diary ah there are no customer reviews yet excuse me can you use it on a normal drill do you have to buy the drill or like it's it says here transform your basic household drill into the ultimate sex tool no no i don't know why you're looking at me as if i'm a professional i i've just heard about these things like i i made it very
Starting point is 00:22:30 clear i want to be very clear about this i've never attended any dodgy sex parties been involved in any crimes or had anything other than normal straight up and down sex standard set hypothetically though i think you probably can attach that to any drill any drill that you want but I would probably buy a professional version because you don't want to make a bodge up
Starting point is 00:22:50 DIY situation and cause yourself harm you don't potentially you could go through a partition wall there couldn't you but if you set it
Starting point is 00:22:57 onto a hammer setting you could be in real trouble hips gone it's one thing to turn up with a zinc line case with a big black dildo in it it's another thing to unpack a drill though and start assembling it like a bond sniper rifle like screwing bits in
Starting point is 00:23:11 so have a silencer on it oh hopefully otherwise the neighbors all the cutlery in the house yeah it would be hell oh my god again i'll reiterate I have no idea about this A friend told you again Who is this friend? Oh very dirty guy Who else have you told about the podcast? I've told everybody I know Good Have you told all the rugby guys
Starting point is 00:23:35 about it? I even told Richard last night about it Your father-in-law? Richard Maitley Of Richard and Judy Of Richard and Judy Yeah I told him last night
Starting point is 00:23:41 And how did he respond? He said 100% I'm going to listen to it Really? Well he'll listen to this episode at least. I hope so. Well, not this episode. Let's skip past it.
Starting point is 00:23:48 It's not a good one. I want to be married by the time they listen to this episode. Because there were a few questions. What was that drilling noise? Who's thinking of doing DIY in the house, James? But I, yeah, so I've told him, I've told basically anyone who sits down and goes, oh, you should listen to this podcast. We listened to a great one about health and fitness so this guy i'm like forget that my dad wrote
Starting point is 00:24:07 a point great thank you like you need like because um it's a game changer i think i've been learning about body parts you've been learning about body parts have i not there's a lot of things you just didn't need to ever know seriously there's i know more now than i think maybe most straight men i think this is not a great advertisement for being straight like i would happily be gay like having listened to this book going in this world yeah in this world i'd be like it's a lot of nonsense there's not a lot of good sex going on the the the female anatomy are not the best i'm not sure i'll be sticking with the lads do you know what i mean yeah i think finally another convert welcome big news for everyone um jay sass has come out as uh oh my god there's going to be street parties
Starting point is 00:24:46 well James thank you so so much for coming this has been great well thank you so much for having me I didn't want to undervalue it when I came up this is one of the greatest moments of my entire life and if I've put anyone off I apologise but I've got so much off my chest but there was so much more to come
Starting point is 00:25:02 so I will literally be hounding you for another couple of years to get back on because we've got more so just check back in this was like note page one of 150 notes of discussion so
Starting point is 00:25:11 but I'll be back but thank you so much for having me it's a great honour

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