My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: James Haskell
Episode Date: October 11, 2018England rugby star and Belinker James Haskell joins the gang to talk royal weddings, drilldos and the mad, mad world of 'Belinda Blinked' Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....
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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, the footnotes now for our guest this week.
We have England international rugby legend, James Haskell.
Hello.
How's it going?
Oh my God, I am so excited.
This is the single greatest achievement of my life.
I've been invited by my dad, wrote a poem,
and I've had butterflies in my stomach all day.
It's been a long time coming, this.
We've been trying to organise this for ages.
I know, we've been talking,
and I obviously came down to the very first live show,
which I thought was incredible.
I brought Chloe along.
She's very upset that she's not here this evening.
This is your other half.
Yeah, she wanted to come and watch, I think.
And I basically think, no, no, you're not invited.
She's a boy, yeah.
So I don't think she's going to be at home when I'm there.
I think the wedding's off.
But anyway, I risk it all for My Dad Wrote a Porno.
Well, we appreciate it.
We appreciate you being here.
Now, James, you have been so diligent that you've made notes.
Yes, I have for every kind of series i mean for every series
no let me explain okay so so my dad wrote a point it's such a roller coaster as you know right it's
so intense it's so exciting there's so much going on but it's also one of the things i hear and then
i need an instant hotline to call in because i have so many questions and so many queries and
like i want to like interrupt and say oh my god what was Rocky thinking what was he doing
like Des Martin was it then the last one who lives in a bedsit why has he made him live in a bedsit
driving an orange car it's like what but it's like he's such a sorry state and the guy with all the
video cameras um Ken Dewsbury in a shady flat with like you know his mildew and like skids on the
toilet and like horrible things he's got cameras that he didn't even use it's like what madman wrote this book that's the
issue they didn't use the cameras yeah what's the problem you're gonna make a home video and
he tallied her down with bits of old newspaper like there's nothing erotic about that why is
there boggy pussies everywhere i can't well that's a valid question can't you bring it all flooding
back james so i think i'd block most of of my head, but it's suddenly all become real again.
The start of Book 4 was set at a wedding.
There was like three...
We thought we were going to be at the wedding for the whole of Book 4.
It went on forever, that wedding, Giselle's wedding.
And we were like, well, it's the wedding of the year, but obviously there was another big wedding this year that you went to.
The royal wedding.
Yeah.
How was it?
Unbelievable.
Everything you'd want it to be, actually.
I was kind of blown away
about the whole
affair
I've been lucky
enough to know
her for quite a while
and I couldn't
believe I got the
invite
I thought it must
be a mistake
I was like
they're never
letting me
anywhere
I am surprised
as well
to be honest
a lot of people
were
they checked it
at the door
several times
the queen was like
what the fuck
is he doing here
shoot that band
and I just think
it was awesome
I wasn't sure
I was going to be able to go
I was supposed to be
playing that day
but I got injured
convenient
I did actually
everyone made that
everyone made that point
it was like oh you know
you should have been there
supporting the team
I tried all week
to get fit to do it
and also Harry and Megan
were getting married
so guys
I know
it was one of those things
and we ended up
sadly we lost the game, which is a shame.
But I was at the wedding and it was amazing.
Was there anything like Giselle's wedding?
No.
No.
But again, the wedding's an interesting one because of how apologetic your dad is about sex.
How he just legitimately lets someone get fingered in the middle of the church.
I know.
I would have thought of all the places nothing could have possibly gone on.
He would have written church.
Yeah.
She'd go go oh my god
I've had the time of my life
I'm coming
he's like
it's an unwritten rule isn't it
I mean it's not a
tango mandolin
but you know
don't diddle someone
in a church
but there was none of that
going on obviously
did you meet Oprah
do you know what
I didn't
I met Tom Hardy
oh he's a nice guy
I bet you guys
got on like a house on fire
I think
I got a bit fanboy on him did you make him do the bane
voice no i don't know that is a bit weird i didn't like make him do anything i think i've been a bit
a bit like go on mate go on do the thing put me in a headlock like a warrior um i tell you i did
this is the best moment of my entire life that happened at the wedding and i don't want to sound
it's gonna sound really wanky i'll tell you anyway i went to uh a gig of elton johns at the wedding and I don't want to sound, it's going to sound really wanky, but I'll tell you anyway. I went to a gig of Elton John's
at the iTunes Festival a while ago
and I managed to get backstage and meet him.
Amazing guy, actually, with Nicholas Holt.
That's where I met him.
Oh, yeah.
I met him.
Anyway, fast forward a couple of years
to the royal wedding.
I'm talking to Chloe
and I get a tap on the shoulder.
I turn around and it's Elton John.
Fuck off.
Sir Elton to you.
Sir Elton.
Sorry, Christ.
Sorry.
Professor Sir Elton, legend of theton sorry Christ sorry Professor Sir Elton
legend of the John
and he said
hello James
how are you
and I was like
oh my
are you serious
I literally almost
had a fucking
full meltdown
and I was like
I'm very good
and we had a little chat
I told him how much
I loved him in
you know the Kingsman
Magic Circle
oh yeah
yes
because he played himself
you know
and he's just so
of his whole body of work yeah that was the thing that you drenched up of the Kingsman Magic Circle. Oh yeah. Yes. Because he played himself, you know, and he's just so, he's just so awesome.
Of his whole body of work.
Yeah.
That was the thing
that you drenched up.
No,
well,
people rate Tiny Dancer.
Can I just say?
Can I just say,
the cameo in that was unbelievable.
And then he went and performed
four songs,
kind of where,
you know,
as close as you guys are to me.
That's amazing.
And for me,
that was the best thing.
Just watching Elton sing,
like that close to him
and everyone having
a great time
and obviously
hearing the speeches
and stuff was
were you there
the whole day
you were a full day guest
don't sound surprised
that's me
I do qualify
but it was just awesome
there's one person
I didn't meet
which I really wanted to
was Idris Elba
he's the man
I love Luther
he's a dear personal friend
is he no I've interviewed him once he's a dear personal friend is he?
no I've interviewed him once
he wouldn't remember me
but
I don't think Elton John
remembered me
maybe he will
I mean James
we all know why
Elton John remembered you
he was google image searching
he actually loves his rugby
unbelievably
oh there you go
yeah yeah
so yeah
I'll shut right up
or I do look good
with my clothes on
I'm not going to lie
body like Baywatch
face like crime watch
as I've been told
many times
have people already
said that to you
oh all the time
or the prawn
rip your head off
your left of the best bit
unbelievable scenes
isn't it
luckily I've got
like a cast iron
cast iron
I go and cry a lot
Chloe's got to
pick up the piece
right sure
it's fine
but also
yeah
that is one of the problems
it's one of the problems
it's one of the problems I like that of the problems it's one of the problems
I like that James Cooper
thought you were
one of the revelers
that were just
gathering outside
come on Megan
no
come on
no no no
come on sock
have you seen George's day
well done sunshine
she's a corker
I've got my lovely plate
with both your faces on it
looks great
waving a flag
I've got my miniatures
will you sign them
oh yeah
it was actually inside, James.
I can't believe that.
Congratulations.
That's fun.
Thank you.
Yeah.
But do you have to reign it in a bit more than a normal wedding?
Because you're not going to get off your face, are you, at the royal wedding?
I bet you did.
I have got some amazing stories, which are not even from this one, actually.
I was very lucky to go to Mike Tindall and Z phillips's wedding so this isn't your first royal wedding guilty
i know you thought you were doing me a favor getting me on this podcast i will throw him a
boat he's been waiting for fucking 40 years he will not stop fucking ringing me um but no actually
i think you found some friends in the interim i'm big time there's at least five of your listeners
who know who i am people called me a prawn but actually i think i've finally done many front covers
um was that one mental oh incredible i i i woke up the next day and i was like this
what did i do and i honestly just the full dread heart the dread heart like the absolute sketch
of all sketches like i had that like monkey just on my back like you're gonna die what have you
done the demons i had like the demons from hell the back like you're gonna die what have you done
the demons i had like the demons from hell the drink demons so much so that i sat on the train
on the way back from scotland just like head on the window going oh my god this is the worst
moment of my entire life like what did i do what did i do is worse than i can't believe i did that
well actually no it was more i don't get blackout drunk i remember every single detail every single
detail what can you give us one?
Well, I picked out one member of the royal family
and was carrying him around.
I was like trying to take him home with me.
Against their will?
Sort of.
They said no, I said yes.
That's how it goes.
That's probably why he invited you to his own wedding.
It was clearly Harry.
Possibly.
So where did you manage to get them to?
Well, pretty far until the armed police
had got to put them down.
I'll tell you off air.
Really?
Oh, my God.
Turn the microphones off.
We've definitely turned them off, James.
Why is that red light still blinking?
That explains that shrapnel wound.
Okay, bye.
That limp.
So you're getting married.
Yes.
What are you planning for your wedding?
We've got to do a legal one in the UK.
You're doing an abroad wedding
we are doing
I knew you would
yeah
the one episode you talk about
is your sister's getting
yeah
she's having an abroad wedding
yeah
isn't that a thing
wasn't it
the very statement
an abroad wedding
isn't a thing
it's not a thing
no it is a thing
destination wedding
make it a thing
fine
I'm having an abroad wedding
but I've got to legally
get married in here
not in here
that would be amazing that would be amazing we're going to go Broad wedding. But I've got to legally get married in here. Not in here.
That would be amazing.
That would be amazing.
We're going to go do it, I think, in Greece.
Lovely.
Would you like Rocky to officiate?
I've got to meet him.
Tell you what, we've got to have a night on the piss and actually get to know him and then...
Yeah.
Because I think it would be a bit weird
if he did it without knowing.
I think you know him pretty intimately
from the podcast, to be honest.
Yeah, I do.
Part of me really wants to meet him. Part of me doesn't want to meet him because I just don't want to have the illusion shattered. He would intimately from the podcast. Yeah, I do. Part of me really wants to meet him,
part of me doesn't want to meet him
because I just don't want to have the illusion shattered.
He would live up to the hype.
He is...
Do meet your heroes.
Oh, in this case, absolutely.
James, we need to go out on a night out with Rocky.
I think you'll have a great time.
I think you're the blokiest bloke we've ever had on this podcast.
I'd say that's a compliment.
Can I get a...
Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's...
We're all drinking beer
In tribute
We wouldn't usually do this
We're just trying to look good
In front of you
You're looking really pained
You'll be spitting it out
Behind yourself
I loves me the lager
Beaks
Beaks is my favourite beer
No what is your perspective
On how the men
Are portrayed in these books
Because we kind of
Talked before about
You know like you were saying
They all kind of Live pathetic lives They're kind of Aw before about you know like you're saying they all kind of
live pathetic lives
they're kind of
awful characters
they're awful characters
I just think some of them
are like apologetic
like they're just
their capabilities
you know
you know Belinda's
obviously is
I'm not sure her
techers are that great
I don't think she's ever
like I think she just
thinks she's so good
and her boobs are so
superior to every other
woman that she's
winning the weight
what happens if she's
met a man that isn't
into her boobs
well you know an ass man for example yeah and i just think they're
just kind of i don't think that man exists james i don't think that man i'm a bum man straight up
so you've not seen belinda's boobs though yeah i suppose they'll turn even the bummiest of men
she never seems to be her mind i mean her mind's got a mind of its own it's all in a voice where
she's always having that inner monologue with herself about herself but all the guys are like apologetic
and either
a mutant rank penis
that sheds skin
and fires blue semen
or
I wonder who you could
be talking about
or like
incompetent
oral skills
or
just
I don't know
yeah
I don't know
none of them are like
actually
that manly
and that good
I think there's
this Spooner bloke
James Spooner
who's lasered her
you know her dress off
with cufflink lasers
and somehow didn't
burn her face
her eyes
or nose off
he could potentially
be the first manly man
and because he's got
a voice for Sean Connery
I'm expecting
massive things from him
I'm really glad
that you knew
that it was Sean Connery
as well
that means that my accents
are kind of improving guys
so for you he's the
laddiest of the lads?
Yes, I think so.
Peter Rouse.
Went off the boil a bit though,
didn't he, Pete?
Yeah, but which one was the cowboy?
Yeah, Hank Skank.
Yeah, Hank Skank.
But the one where he like,
he describes his big, thick,
like farmer's fingers
or ranch's hands.
And you know what,
I can imagine like big,
gnarled like sausage fingers.
But even then,
they don't do a proper job on anything.
Proper job!
This is the frustrating thing.
This is the one thing that I've got with my dad.
Nobody has done a proper job on anyone.
Not one of them's had decent sex.
That's my problem.
It's all kind of like a mishmash of terrible things.
Do you know what, I've not heard one erotic story and gone,
this is unbelievable, I'm actually getting a little bit fired up here.
Smoke up the arse?
That was unbelievable as well because I wondered, i know there was like always a bit of nervous
tension was he going to go into realms of anal like he hasn't he stayed away from there and then
he went you know what no one's going to play with an ass we're just going to put smoke on it and
they're going to blow smoke out of it and i'm thinking she hasn't prepared for that what was
if she had a like a big morning like i don't you know what i mean i just don't think mechanically
it just didn't work for me okay sure just the logistics of it yeah i just don't think you could just
willy-nilly go sticking cigars or smoke up people's bottoms and then i'm not sure it's that erotic
and please don't if you're listening go and willy-nilly stick cigars or smoke up people's
bottoms he almost self-sabotages do you know i mean i throw something in there that's so off-key
like a phrase like the way he described um bish you know
yellow teeth and his breath you're like he hasn't brushed his teeth properly he's got some sort of
terrible lung problem he's coughing he's wheezing and then she's licked semen off his flaccid penis
i'm like why couldn't you just make it like a little bit normal but then then the chapter end
just as they're getting going belinda will spot some turkey and then the bloke will come and she'll go I'm amazing and then the chapter will end and
it's like why how that just to let it roll just let it yeah develop yeah well what else is on
your list I'm so intrigued yeah I made I literally made so many notes on this thing if my iPhone will
open um I said the licking the cum off the flaccid penis. I've said that. I've covered that. I've said that. Pussy meat.
He described that in one of those things.
Oh, at Christmas.
Yeah.
What are you picturing there?
That was festive.
A big red ham.
But you know what?
I'll tell you what it is.
Some of the things he's...
Okay, I'll let you into a little secret.
There's two things.
Some of the anatomy he chooses,
I reckon, has come out of like...
There used to be a couple of porn mags
that someone told me about.
I can't see.
I can't see.
A friend of a friend told me.
Escort and razzle
and he used to pay Reader's wives like £20
to expose themselves
and it'd be like
Debbie from Norwich
and it would be like a big red fanny
that would be like
it was not great
I imagine that's where he's like got some
was it just the genital area
or were they in it?
no it was boobs as well
but like
it was like
on terrible bed sheets
with like
yeah kind of 70s.
Yeah, 70s thing.
But you get paid £20, so you get like...
20 quid for a big red fanny!
Yeah.
Yeah, they've obviously trimmed it up for the photos and like...
Trimmed what?
Right, okay, yeah.
And it's just not great, but you're getting 20 sheets, so that's why they're...
Yeah, quite right.
That's why they're into it.
So that's what I would describe as pussy meat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
That's what I'm thinking that is.
Not that you've thought about it.
Yeah.
Yeah. You've really I'm thinking that is. Not that you've thought about it. Yeah.
You've really come with examples there.
So a long time ago again, a friend of a friend of mine, hypothetically, initials JH, but it's just not related to me.
Sure.
Read some erotica.
And in this particular book, penises were all getting lodged in and around the cervix.
Lodged?
No.
Around it.
Or in it.
Yeah.
Like it was basically implying that this person had such a big.
Hefty. Hefty penis. Right. That it was getting wedged in it, yeah. It was basically implying that this person had such a big, hefty penis, right,
that it was getting wedged in and around there.
And I thought to myself,
what if Rocky's had the same book?
Because if you didn't know,
you would think that cervix would play a role in normal sex,
but obviously it clearly doesn't.
So I wondered if he'd read the same book.
Maybe.
I mean, that might have been the only book
that he had access to
in Northern Ireland
and it was
because obviously Northern Ireland
you know it's quite straight line
sex is a taboo
yeah
or was at least
very Presbyterian
you're not selling porn magazines
in shops
your education is like
from a friend of a friend
of a friend of a friend
who was once in England
who saw something
I imagine
from afar
that's exactly how these books are
someone shouted across the channel
and it was quite foggy
yeah
grab a cervix
what
it's called vaginal labia vaginal lids that's the one Someone shouted across the channel. And it was quite foggy. Yeah, yeah. Grab a cervix. What?
It's called vaginal labia.
Vaginal lids.
That's the one.
And Dad's been making his own lids for 50 years.
Exactly.
Shall we meet?
Pussy meet?
What?
Yes.
Right.
So I think that that's kind of happened.
And I wonder if, because erotica might have been, it might have been smuggled in and he's spread it.
Across the border.
And his penis got lodged into the cervix.
Where do you think he lived?
Like a World War II kind of thing.
Parachuting stuff in, I imagine.
Alice, it was a war zone
when Dad grew up there.
That's what you forget.
Northern Ireland in the 70s,
not great.
I just didn't think
that was the contraband.
Debbie in, where was she?
Debbie from Norwich.
No, I don't think
he was getting porn, mate.
I think he was getting
written literature,
I think, later on.
I'd like to think
he's done some research
because he got the eggs that kept falling out of the Duchess's fanny.
Like, those eggs are supposed to stay in.
There's no way they're slipping out.
No way it's going to slip out.
You know a lot about the eggs.
I know a little about a lot of things, right.
Well, I want to talk about this a little bit as well,
because last season we had Emma Sale on the show,
who runs Killing Kittens.
Could you possibly have been involved in any of the anecdotes
that she may have mentioned?
I actually know Emma very well.
Yeah, I've got to know her.
I couldn't possibly comment, to be honest with you.
Hypothetically, possibly, maybe,
someone who looked a little bit like me
might have looked through the letterbox
of one of those parties and run away screaming
back to church and to obviously um apologize for my sins
to scour yourself yeah yeah alcohol body rubbing the whole thing no um but emily yes amazing those
things i think uh if from what you've heard and seen through the letterbox what what kind of
things are we seeing um well exactly what she kind of said it's kind of like a relaxed um orgy
yeah i mean that's basically relaxed i think it's a very chilled out, rampant orgy.
I just think we've kind of gone full circle.
It's obviously an ancient Rome that was kind of all ago.
And then obviously as we've gone through it,
and I imagine you've gone sort of all that,
if you imagine a timeline, a progress,
we've now got where we're freely talking about your dad's erotica on,
you know, it's the biggest, was it biggest podcast in the world?
Don't go on about that.
Sure, yeah, let's call it that, yeah.
Biggest podcast in the world,
like everybody lives and breathes this this this show because i
wonder how jamie was conceived because there's no way he knows what he's doing your mom must be an
angel and she must have the patience of a saint and she must have like noise cancelling headphones
for when because you can't possibly read these books because i wonder if it was a bit like the
harry enfield sketch where the two people mr and mrs chumley warner are sitting in bed it's black
and white and they go well, shall we have sex?
And it's like, if you must, dear.
The lights go off.
They come back on again.
They're both sick in bowls.
Never talk of it again.
And then the baby's delivered.
That's how I imagine Jamie was created.
I know.
It's quite a vivid image, isn't it?
So you go to then, that's full circle.
So those kind of things are now, we seem it's not very normal.
But what Emma does, a lot of people buy into it it's quite fun uh from from what i've told um what a weird way of saying you
were there i don't know what you're talking about how dare you say i was there i love that you tried
to derail us via ancient rope and harry enfield yeah it's quite a good needless to say i had last
up actually i should just write these books because books, because that's like a story from him.
I've literally led you one place, one place,
told you nothing, and walked off.
You are the true heir to Rocky Flintstone.
Congratulations.
One thing I wanted to talk about was,
you know the Swedish man who's on the tendu?
Oh, yes, yes.
What's the standard shit?
Oh, the Swedish man, yes.
The Swedish man.
I think that could be me.
Butch, the Virgin.
Are you about to tell us your...
A little bit of Swedish
no
no I was thinking
your virginity story
have I portrayed myself
as a bit of a
sorry
I don't know where
you got that from
I've absolutely done nothing
and obviously Chloe and I
don't believe in
sex before marriage
so
I thought in terms of
like a
of a character
do you want to play
Butch in the movie
is that what you're trying to
yeah we'd have to reinvent
some of his chat
because it's pretty average
and like the very fact he can't choose between five women and yeah we'd have to reinvent some of his chat because it's pretty average and
like the very fact he
can't choose between
five women and go
yes I'll have that
one because it's like
you're being an
absolute fanny mate
like sort it out like
what what you're
worried about but I
reckon I was trying to
think who all these
people because I know
you've got Elijah
Woods chosen someone
yeah yeah Nicholas
Holt's chosen someone
everyone's kind of
chosen one you want a
piece of this I just
think who would be
like a Swedish I'm
blonde yeah but no offense but you, a Swedish, I'm blonde.
Yeah.
But, no offence,
but you aren't an actor, so.
But I'm a man of many talents.
Oh, this is true.
I know, you're not seen.
You're a prawn, mate.
Get out.
I'm a prawn.
Listen, if you lot are making
a world-class podcast,
anyone could do anything.
That is true.
Amen, sister.
Honestly, it's so,
are you surprised how ramshackle it is?
I love it, though.
I love how it's all balanced
on cookbooks, like.
Yeah. Do you have a favourite character? I know you'd though. I love how it's all balanced on cookbooks. Yeah.
Do you have a favourite character?
I know you'd like to maybe play Butch.
You feel like you've got the right attributes for that.
Although I maybe think you're a tiny bit old.
How fucking dare you?
I'm actually only 25.
I know what you're thinking.
28, but he's had a hell of a paper round uphill into the wind.
I'm actually 33, unbelievably.
Are you 33?
Shocked, all of you shocked.
Oh my God, I'm older than you.
Are you?
I'm 34.
Hell's your moisturising regimen.
I'll lent you.
Yeah, no, I've aged badly.
You have, I have.
Listen, you've been tackling people with your face
for the last seven to nine years,
getting beaten to shitless for a living.
That's basically what happens.
Use your arms and legs, I keep telling you.
I can't, I can't.
You've obviously never seen me.
Look at my hat, look.
My fingers don't work anymore, I know my fingers don't work are you doing a claw
no no that's it
James has got a little finger
that kind of bends
you can't straighten that
no I can't
and that one can't straighten either
oh my god
that little finger is
ranking it
it's horrible
you just did that with it
it's like that
it's perfect like for the
look at my strong hair
I'll give you a strong head
I had them liquidated
your little shit
they're innocent
so we can all do voices
that was Dr. Evil
as good as one of yours
just stop trying to
take over the podcast
sorry
I always do that
character wise
trying to think who
do you relate to anyone
oh my god
if you relate to someone
in this book
you've got serious
serious problems
the Duchess I think
I think I'm going to go
with anyone
because you know
that nicotine stain voice
that kind of real husky thing
I know you've changed her voice
but I can imagine
it just
she looks like
the one from
something about Mary
with her ears
yes
great shout
yeah like that
but horrible
constant nicotine stain
oh Belinda
oh
my eggs have fallen out again
I don't know why
she's gone northern,
but you know what I'm saying?
That's what I imagine it to be like.
You have painted a picture with words there, yeah.
And then she turns up in a 4x4 Land Rover
with the gin van on the back
and a bit like the Child Catcher,
just luring business women into the back of it.
Gin and tonics, anyone?
And then she puts it down,
she shuts it and drives off,
pulls out a zinc-lined case
with a pneumatic Dr-do on it.
Drill-do?
Yeah.
I haven't heard that one before.
You've not heard of it?
No.
A drill-do?
A drill-do.
Is that a thing?
Yeah, it is, yeah.
Google that later.
Obviously behind closed doors.
Literally doing it now.
Drill-do, yeah.
It's quite aggressive.
Whoa!
Oh, my God.
There's literally a hand drill.
Yeah.
And then there's...
Is that a butt plug?
I'm unfamiliar with any of this stuff, so I wouldn't be able to comment.
Sure, sure, sure.
It's a compatible drill-do bit, and then there's a 10-inch realistic dildo,
which I assume you attach to the drill.
Does it have a battery pack?
Because if anybody has used a drill, they know that it's really annoying to have to,
you know, when it's run out of battery.
Alice, there's an AC adapter included.
Oh, that's all I needed to know.
Alice, how much drill-do are you planning on doing?
This has got a five-hour thing. It it's gonna run for ages like what were you once i've started you might as well clear the diary ah there are no customer reviews yet excuse me can you use
it on a normal drill do you have to buy the drill or like it's it says here transform your basic
household drill into the ultimate sex tool no no i don't know why you're
looking at me as if i'm a professional i i've just heard about these things like i i made it very
clear i want to be very clear about this i've never attended any dodgy sex parties been involved
in any crimes or had anything other than normal straight up and down sex standard set hypothetically
though i think you probably can attach that to any drill any drill
that you want
but I would probably
buy a professional version
because you don't want
to make a bodge up
DIY situation
and cause yourself harm
you don't
potentially
you could go through
a partition wall there
couldn't you
but if you set it
onto a hammer setting
you could be in real trouble
hips gone
it's one thing
to turn up
with a zinc line case
with a big black dildo in it it's another thing
to unpack a drill though and start assembling it like a bond sniper rifle like screwing bits in
so have a silencer on it oh hopefully otherwise the neighbors all the cutlery in the house
yeah it would be hell oh my god again i'll reiterate I have no idea about this A friend told you again Who is this friend?
Oh very dirty guy
Who else have you told
about the podcast?
I've told everybody I know
Good
Have you told all the rugby guys
about it?
I even told Richard last night
about it
Your father-in-law?
Richard Maitley
Of Richard and Judy
Of Richard and Judy
Yeah I told him last night
And how did he respond?
He said 100%
I'm going to listen to it
Really?
Well he'll listen to this episode at least.
I hope so.
Well, not this episode.
Let's skip past it.
It's not a good one.
I want to be married by the time they listen to this episode.
Because there were a few questions.
What was that drilling noise?
Who's thinking of doing DIY in the house, James?
But I, yeah, so I've told him, I've told basically anyone who sits down and goes,
oh, you should listen to this podcast.
We listened to a great one about health and fitness so this guy i'm like forget that my dad wrote
a point great thank you like you need like because um it's a game changer i think i've
been learning about body parts you've been learning about body parts have i not there's
a lot of things you just didn't need to ever know seriously there's i know more now than i think
maybe most straight men i think this is not a great advertisement for being straight like i
would happily be gay like having listened to this book going in this world yeah in this world i'd be
like it's a lot of nonsense there's not a lot of good sex going on the the the female anatomy are
not the best i'm not sure i'll be sticking with the lads do you know what i mean yeah i think
finally another convert welcome big news for everyone um jay sass has come out as uh oh my god there's going to be street parties
well James thank you so so much for coming
this has been great
well thank you so much for having me
I didn't want to undervalue it when I came up
this is one of the greatest moments of my entire life
and if I've put anyone off I apologise
but I've got so much off my chest
but there was so much more to come
so I will literally be hounding you for another couple of years
to get back on
because we've got more
so just check back in
this was like note page one
of 150 notes
of discussion
so
but I'll be back
but thank you so much for having me
it's a great honour