My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Josh Groban

Episode Date: October 10, 2019

Grammy nominated singer, songwriter, actor and Belinker Josh Groban joins the gang to talk musicals, randy fans and Celine Dion Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno The Footnotes. Now today's guest is a four-time Grammy nominee and he's sold more than 30 million records worldwide. He's a real triple threat. He's an actor. He's a singer. He's a massive pervert. He's a pornographer. It's Josh Grover.

Thank you so much. Oh, thanks for coming. What an honor. My goodness. Oh, as if. Come on. No, thank you. Are you kidding? I love funny podcasts, and you guys are the funniest I've ever heard in my entire life. Oh, wow. It just reminds me of when I get drunk with my friends at two in the afternoon.

Well, that's exactly what we do. I'm glad it comes across that way. Oh, wow. It just reminds me of when I get drunk with my friends at two in the afternoon and just talk about anything. Well, that's exactly what we do. Yes, it's so fun. I'm glad it comes across that way. Yeah, I'm very happy to be here. Two in the afternoon? Exactly. He's a day drinker.

When he's working hard, he's working hard. When he's not, he's really not. I'm on UK time when I drink in the US. So how did you hear about the show? I'd heard peripherally about the show from a lot of friends in the U.S. who'd been listening to it. And then I just started listening to it on my tour. And so every time it was my gym, my workout routine was listening. Yeah.

And you're just giggling on the elliptical, just laughing your head off. And I had an awkward moment once where I was on the elliptical and I was listening and just laughing. And I had those little airpods, those little douchebag airpods in and they're so tiny and you know I've got a beard too, it got lost in my beard and there was a trainer working with somebody who was not

very strong and was having a really difficult time and I just kept laughing on the elliptical and I think they thought I was laughing at the training session. And I had to do that thing where I took my ear. What kind of dick is like? Just looking at them through the reflection in the mirror.

You're why people like me don't go to the gym. 2.5 Ks. No, look, I'm weak. I mean, usually it's the other way around. But I had to take out the AirPod and just be like, you guys got to listen to this. It's so funny. It's not you, promise.

It's not you, I promise. It's this poor guy's dad. It's even worse than what you're trying to do. A lot of people nearly injure themselves on gym equipment or swerve off the road in their cars and things. It's quite a dangerous show to listen to, actually. I didn't realize it was going to be such a hazard. But you have to make sure you're in a quiet place where you're seated yeah ready to to receive the laughter yeah you

can't really do anything else while you're engaged in my dad's book it's like an all-encompassing experience yeah it's hypnotic in that way it just kind of takes you to it's like transcendental meditation it's like laughter deep within josh that's's going to be on Rocky Flintstone's email now, his email signature. What is it? Transcendental. Josh Groban. A meditation of erotic humor. Now you, Josh and Jamie, have something in common in that your dads are both businessmen.

Perfect. No, your dad was a businessman, right? Yeah, he still is. He's what they call an executive recruiter. So he helps find jobs for people on an executive level. A company will come to him and they'll say, you know, we need a new head of marketing. And he'll interview people and hire the right person for the job. Much like an international sales director.

He is very close to that. These books are nothing new to you then. You already knew all of this. He'd have come home, have a scotch and tell us all about his perverted day. So he could have been the guy that would have brought Belinda into Steel. Well, the job interview. That's exactly right. Yeah.

Yes. He's built from HR. He's built from HR. Your dad is built from HR. That's right. And he married a woman named Melinda. No. My mom's name is Melinda.

So, yeah. So the similarities are endless, truly. I mean, there's two, endless truly i mean that's two but yeah would you consider suggesting the podcast to him or maybe getting him rocky's book because i think he would you know enjoy as an insider in this world would really enjoy it i actually i think i think you're right because there there is lots in the business world to be gleamed from this book i mean depending on which chapter you read there's erotica and then there's also just day-to-day business activities.

Yeah, tips. My dad does always say to us, he's like, guys, you don't know because you don't do business. You don't know about it. I buy the nickel for every time dad would tell us at the dinner table when asking about what he does in that accent, but strangely he flips into it. You don't know.

You don't. You don't. You don't. I wonder if Rocky Flintstone would ever be interested in lyrics, in doing lyrics, since he has such an odd way of sentence crafting. Well, he's a poet, really, isn't he? He is a poet. He is a poet. And so it's always interesting working with established authors in a musical capacity, like sending a melody and seeing what lyrics might pop out. Well, it's funny you say that because we were thinking of a stage musical

and we thought you might be able to advise us in a kind of consultation capacity for free. Only consultation? You were Tony nominee. I do much more than that for free. If you need an American baritone. Who would you want to play in the musical or the film? Was it Alfonso who had the black Speedo?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I see. I feel like popping out of a maze randomly with a baritone aria. I feel like you've been spending too much time on the elliptical to be Alphonse. Like, you'd have to really rein that in no i i have precisely been on the elliptical specifically to to wear the black you know uh in a way that wouldn't embarrass myself so so yeah no it's that could be uh that could be good maybe i should play jim sterling that would be great he's a big character as well so that's a big big role for

you so you've really bigged yourself up there yeah yeah maybe i should play a massive part yeah yeah that's the meatiest role i think oh for sure don't say meaty when it comes to jim sterling and he goes on a bit of a journey as well doesn't he so there's there's a lot to play with there there's death yeah don't say play with when it comes to don't say don't say death exactly are you inspired to write a song i mean have you when you've been listening have you you been thinking, oh, pots and pans, oh, there's something in the kind of business sphere, wow,

and you just grab a pan and then... Blinking. Belinda's always blinking. Okay, blinking stuff. Write that down, Alice. Yeah, but that's not an opener. That's like deep

into the second act. Okay. I feel like in retrospect, it's the sad, melancholy, you know, retrospect of the fact that, oh my gosh, the blinking, what does it all mean? Maybe it's Morse code. That was quite Sondheim-esque.

Oh, it was very Sondheim. Yeah, I was like, oh, it could be quite eyebrow. I feel like that could be a Chicago-y type one for when she's stripping. Oh, you think? Yeah. Oh, like a big can-can number always. Or something from Gypsy. Yeah.

The whole brass section working really, really hard. Literally. What's the I want? There's always an I want song at the beginning, isn't there, that establishes what the main character wants.

So it'd be Belinda talking about making some sort of big deal. Travel perks. Getting the travel perks. Right, right. A big bonus. That's real.

That's her main motivation, I think. Right. She wants to be noticed. Yeah. Yeah, she's not supposed to be seen in those busy pubs and restaurants

what's the matter let it all hang out you make it so much deeper she just wants a voice she just wants to be seen no I'm listening and I'm just thinking

yes yes yes it's all very funny but there's a woman screaming for attention screaming for attention here look can we not see so it is in fact

a classic tale I think it is I think it's a tale as old as time. Right. Thank you. Really. Has that been used? I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just coming to me. I don't know where this is coming from. It's going to be a hit. I'm a vessel right now. I'm a vessel. Just go with it. Did you say story as old as time or was it tale as old as time?

Tale. Yes, yes, yes. Brilliant. T-A-I-L. Okay. It's a sex pun. Do they sell teapots at Steeles? I don't know. We can make Steeles? We can make it work.

We can make it work. Pots and pans, pots and pans, clink, clink, clink, clink. We get Stomp to come in and just hit her pans. That's a really great shout. People love that as well. So basically, Belinda Blink to the Musical will be like nude Stomp. We've nailed it. We've nailed it.'ve nailed it we hit it oh man we went a little sideways for a minute but we hit the bullseye the worst thing about stomp

is the clothes is the lack of nudity am i right totally agree and the noise but they'll still need they'll still need boots yes for the stomping and all but i'm guessing rather than bin lids it's pan lids yeah it would have to be. Yeah, okay. Wooden spoons. Yeah, for legal reasons, we'll have to change a few things. For legal reasons, we'll have to change a little bit. Okay, so Taylor sold his time. Nude stomp. Yeah.

Romp. Romp! There you go. This is why he gets paid the big bucks. Come on. Okay. Now I know what to talk about tomorrow on stage. I mean, don't forget you said you wanted to be in it.

No, no, I definitely want to be in it. Now you're in nude stomp. I'm not backtracking on that it's just about who to play who to play who to play

who to play truly it's opened up a world of fantasies for me what? no I'm just kidding stop

I feel like he should write about like a hacker at some point that is a little bit modern for him I was going to say that's a bit of a stretch

he's still writing about fax machines. Yeah, but that's okay. He can have a big, somebody who hacks fax machines. It could still be with his signature out of touchness. Oh, a haxer.

Yeah. He could write about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, a hax machine. Yeah. Because obviously, he's now gone down this whole spy route

and that's wearing thin. Yeah. So I feel like he's ready for another U-turn. Right, right. Into, yeah, like's ready for another U-turn. Like a Mr. Robot kind of thing but with Belinda. Mr. Blowbot. Through all the laughter,

people approach him saying, I really like it. I'm a big fan, actually. What a creepy voice. I really like it. I really like what you do. I really like it. At the supermarket. Hey, I really like what you're doing. Don't turn around. I really like you. do. I really like it. At the supermarket. Hey, I really like what you're doing. Don't turn around. I really like you.

Don't turn around. Just let it happen. Well, does he have serious groupies? People who aren't laughing, who actually read it and find it to be very moving. Just you, I think, Josh. And aroused. You're on your own there. Just me then?

Fine. What's interesting is that, because obviously he likes to keep himself anonymous. Right, sure. just me then fine what's interesting is that because obviously he likes to keep

himself anonymous right sure but no dad does kind of slip his business card down at every restaurant he goes to

with the bill he's like just so you know I'm him oh my god and normally they're like well the secret's

not going to be for long I mean he keeps doing that the amount he eats out honestly these days anyway yeah so no

so people aren't shy about coming up to him and yeah saying how much they love the show and also he's he's massive on twitter yeah so people aren't shy about coming up to him and yeah, saying how much they love the show. And also he's, he's massive on Twitter. Yeah.

So people kind of get in touch with him a lot on there. So interesting. Yeah. He does interact with the, with the fandom,

but I don't think anyone's... As him or as Rocky? As Rocky. As Rocky. Well, he's now morphed into Rocky completely.

My dad is gone. There is no difference now. Yeah. Yeah. That man is no more. Right. He's, he's fully Rocky now.

We mourn Jamie's dad because I don't know when we last saw him. 2015 Christmas. Does he ever hide out in the audience? People not knowing just to hear what people are talking about? Hide is a really strong word. He basically once came to a show incognito,

but he was wearing wraparound sunglasses. A fedora. A fedora. Essentially a cape. Literally. The loudest shirt you've ever seen. There is nothing to see here. It was all of that.

And he dyed his hair one shade darker, even though nobody knows what he looks like. So completely irrelevant. Honestly, he looked like a spy in Belinda Blinked. Yeah, he looked like one of the characters. Yeah, exactly. He looked ridiculous. But he does enjoy coming in and listening

because he has no idea, for the most part, why people are laughing. So we'll come off stage at the like the intervals and be like so guys um why did that get a laugh it's not a joke to him does he get in hindsight why it maybe is a little funny or is he he enjoys the fact that he's making people laugh but he's still to this day five seasons in he still thinks that he's working on a plane above us all and that one day we're going to be the people who are. I'm not sure that he's wrong now.

This deep in, I'm not sure that he's wrong. Because who is the joke on? Like, really, who is the joke on? Yeah, we're reading the fifth book for God's sake. We're putting aside other commitments to read his work. I mean, come on. Josh Groban is here. He could be doing proper things.

He's flown over, especially from the US. He's got a very busy schedule. Playing Hyde Park tomorrow is a bonus, truly. It's just the icing on the cake to this day. With Celine, right? That's right, yes. Wow. I'm coming.

I'll see you there. Oh, excellent. Good, good. I'm very excited. Yeah, you'll be able to see my Rocky Flintstone persona on stage, as it were. Yeah, I feel like there's two very different me's. Is there a monster within? You'll be dueting, right?

No, no. You're not dueting? No, not dueting. What? What about the prayer? We can't get a hold of her. You can't get a hold of her? I know exactly where she'll be.

You'll see her tomorrow. I will see her tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask her tomorrow. Hopefully she'll be there tomorrow, yeah. There's an impenetrable, sorry, wall of people around her. So you're like that. Celine!

Celine! Celine, it's Josh. Celine! Hi, it's Josh here. Hi. I'm going to be singing in a couple hours. I'll see you. I'll start it.

Just join in if you want to take part. I'll start it. Sing it if you know it, Celine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but she starts the song. Damn it. Oh, no. How do the song Damn it How do we do this? How do we do this? Two minutes of silence

Yeah, just two minutes Two minute intro You'll know when to come in I feel like you just need to start off like kids Like, God Yeah Well, on the other hand She did invite me to do this

So it's I'm sure people will be like If the crowd gets behind you wanting to do it I'm sure she'll just cave Should I go full gladiator out there? Yeah When you win the crowd You behind you wanting to do it, I'm sure she'll just cave. Should I go full gladiator out there and just do it? When you win the crowd, you win the duet.

Yes. I love the idea that she invited you to do it and now you can't get a hold of her. A bit like a bad date where you're like, so are we still meeting at 8.30? It's the story of my life. And you're going to get there and be like, hey. And she'll be like, oh, shit, Josh. I'm so sorry. Andrea could do it in the end. I'm so sorry. Exactly. it's the story of my career oh late yeah well that's okay at least she does not write important it keeps you from having a

big head yeah exactly you know keeps ground to be ignored by celine dion is really i have sold 30 million records i can't get a single person on the phone and i think that's healthy i think that's a healthy way to be uh can't get a reservation to save my life i uh i i i think that that's that's good because it keeps about the work man absolutely we'll know that josh has changed when we try and ring him season six yeah sorry josh can't come to the phone right now he's actually busy the musical's ready to go yeah yeah yeah he said he'd be our baritone will you be my baritone i like that all the songs are the same the same melody all right we've got that one josh we can't just change the words let my tits do the talking oh that's good yeah that's a good one this is good yeah let's write all this

down this is like a workshop right let's write this down all right don't worry i've got it what was that let the footnotes this is the talking let. What was that? Let the tits do the talking. That's your Chicago number. That's the one with the tassels. Is this how an album comes together? Is it very similar to this? Absolutely. There should be no less than four people in the room. Josh going, let the tits do the talking. Write this down. Let the tits do the talking. Write it down again.

Josh, it's the same. Write it down again. Black thong. Black thong. Slow song, black thong. Good. Oh, yeah. You're kind of coming to the end of a tour at the moment, aren't you? Well, actually, I am right in the middle of one. We just played.

I mean, the thing is, when we got the call to do this, it was such an awesome opportunity and so excited to do it. This or Hyde Park? This. No, no. Oh, great. I cancelled two gigs to do it. This or Hyde Park? This. No, no. Oh, great. I cancelled two gigs to be here. The outdoor shows.

Have you guys done any outdoor things? We did one once in a festival called Latitude, and I completely fucked up the show. Oh. How? I just can't tell time, clearly. And I thought that we were running out of time, and we'd only done 15 minutes,

so I was wrapping up the hour-long set after 15 minutes and the other two were like, what the fuck is he doing? But with the book. Wow. I was just like, I'm Belinda Hadsex, bye! And I was like, thank you so much, good night! And everyone was like, what the fuck? That's the nice thing about having a set list.

Yes, you know. But time goes in very strange ways when you're on stage. Sometimes you get these little out-of-body experiences where you're outside of yourself watching yourself sing and you're like, okay, bring it back, John. Bring it back inside. Do you ever start doing chat on stage and think, I don't know where I'm going with this?

Absolutely. Do you? Yeah. Every night. You've got to stick the landing somehow. Find your way back to the meaning of the next song you're going to sing. Just start singing about black thorns. The other night we played this wonderful venue in Massachusetts

called Tanglewood, and it's this very established big kind of classical music venue and somebody in the audience just kept making like their scream sounded animalistic. It was like

it was like a high like a low like if you take a hyena's voice and slow it down with a computer kind of thing coming from the audience and I just started

doing David Attenborough like after that like I went off on a tangent about how he was trying to find a mate unsuccessfully he will try again

throughout the show and I just That's a good David That was good That was good Thank you very much Do you have any other kind of mad fans

have they ever tried to grab you or have you had any mad experience at shows There was one woman I sat on the edge of the stage and I was singing Not While I'm Around from Sweeney Todd.

This nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around. This very innocent song and the whole time this lady, you know, swishing around a little margarita with one hand. Totally, absolutely. Looking up at me with her

margarita swishing and the other hand is going up my pant leg. No. Yes, yes, yes. And I kept, because I had 15,000 people that couldn't see that that was happening because she was real up close to the stage and I'm going, nothing's going to harm you. I'm trying to kick her away.

I'm probably going to harm you. Yeah, I'm going to harm you. And she just kept looking at me going and just kept doing it it's very invasive yeah well stop sitting on the side of the stage that's assault yeah yeah it's quite serious actually yes yes it is yes it is yeah yeah it's time to share yes she took her opportunity she was having a lovely time she got more than the money was worth sometimes you you encounter very shy people and you say to yourself, oh, how sweet. And you're in theater or you're a singer.

Yes, yes, I am. And you say, oh, this would be nice. Would you like to sing a little bit? And everybody starts clapping. And you think, how great. I'm going to give this opportunity and I'm going to have to twist her arm, but it'll be great. And this happened the other day. And she took the microphone from me and started doing runs.

Oh, my God. And all that jazz. Totally. Whoa. Yes. the other day and she took the microphone from me and started doing runs and like and she turned what was supposed to be the 30 second duet by the way we were going to sing a duet and she took it and just was like this is my moment and you gotta respect that you gotta respect that but you know she salined it and she salined it yeah anything can happen very belinda very wild the wild world of groban concerts we're going on tour next year. Really? Are you guys going to tour the States again?

Yeah, we're doing Radio City, actually. Oh, my God. Yeah. Come, come. When are you guys going to be there? April the 3rd, I believe. Put it in your diary. I will.

I mean, it's amazing. I mean, honestly, that place is the most fun to play. Yeah, it's massive. It is massive. It's about 6,000 people. And you hosted the Tonys there. I did, yeah. Yeah, that was last year. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean. It's massive. It is massive. It's about 6,000 people. And you did, you hosted the Tonys there. I did, yeah. Yeah, that was last year.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's insane. Yeah, it is a big venue, but it's a welcoming space. There's an energy to it that allows you to really connect

with the back row if you want to do that. Oh, good, because we did the Royal Albert Hall last year, and that's similar. It's almost like

giving you a hug, that room. It is like giving you a hug. It feels bigger when you're in the audience than it is like giving you a hug it doesn't it feels bigger when you're in the audience than it does on stage in a weird way exactly right

because yeah I've seen Radio City and I'm like although back row is probably wishful thinking I think the back we won't need to reach to the back row

just shuffle down there's room on the front row yeah in fact front and back pretty empty so wherever you want to be wherever you want to be

just a rehearsal space we've you've obviously established that you want to be Alphonse in the musical version. Yeah. Do you have a favourite character overall, though? I mean, it's hard, isn't it? Please don't make me endorse this more, says Josh. So many, they come and go so quickly.

They do. That's the thing, is that just when I think I have a favourite, you don't hear from them again. There's these characters that kind of come in and you know she'll be interviewed by people and then you think well this is going to be building to you know something and it just it's just a meeting no yeah that's it that's all that's life josh but that's life that's life yeah my favorite character is the voice of rocky throughout every character that lives inside us all oh that, that's good. That's beautiful. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm crying. Stop trying to make Belinda blink deeper than it is, Josh. Stop it.

Will it become like The Simpsons where it's the ultimate accolade to actually get to appear? So will you start to write people in, known people? Like Josh. Yeah, I was going to say. You'll be in Belinda Blink 8 probably, Josh. That's fine. That's fine? Yes, that's fine. You did The Simpsons recently, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, I was going to say. You'll be in Blender Blink 8 probably, Josh. That's fine. That's fine?

Yes, that's fine. You did The Simpsons recently, didn't you? I did, yeah. Yeah, I did. I was in an episode where I didn't actually appear, where Lisa Simpson became an obsessed fan of mine. That's cool. That was really cool.

And then they asked me to come back and play the singing voice of Professor Fink. So cool. He always talks like this, but then he has a Gomer Pyle voice. So I went in to be the voice of Professor Fink, which was, again, a huge, huge thrill. That's amazing. That's so fun.

It was fun. It's fun to do that stuff. When you appear in TV stuff, do you have to audition? Surely not now. It depends on what it is. Mostly the things that I've done have been because a friend

wrote something funny and thought of me and, you know, messaged me on Twitter and says, hey, have you got time? But Crazy Stupid Love was a movie I did

and I auditioned for that. I auditioned for that one. I think we'd be happy not to audition, Josh. I've seen enough. I would prefer to audition mostly because I would like to sing the material first

without pressure. Yeah, really. Do you go in all Billy Big Bollocks? Like, do you have like a different... No, there's a new term. Billy Big Bollocks.

Let's play Teach the Yank. Honestly, say that. It'll go down the storm in almost every setting. Maybe not church, but everywhere I sit with him. Yeah, sure, sure.

Billy Bollocks? What is it? Billy Big Bollocks? Billy Big Bollocks Billy Big Bollocks I can put two and two together what that might mean confident arrogant streak

I can't imagine you do but do you have a kind of do you have another place you can go where you're like I've got the confidence you'll sash a fist yeah exactly that

it's a fake it till you make it thing like I have to make believe in my own head that I'm the shit when I go out on stage but truly the moment before and the moment after, I'm back into curling up into the fetal position.

Like, I just... That's not true. It is. It really is. But by the way, I think that's a common theme for a lot of performers is that having the opportunity to go out there and, you know, play Billy Big... Billy Big Bollocks. Billy Big Bollocks, thank you.

Please say it on stage. I will. There's almost definitely another word for it, which I can't think of now. No, no, there shouldn't be. That's it. That's all it needs to be. Billy Big Bollocks. I went to school with him.

I sat behind him. I was not him, but I observed him. Huge testicles. Huge testicles. All joking aside, uncomfortably large testicles. How did he sit? I mean, really. We've tried to give the hints that maybe a procedure or something.

Kids can be so cruel. In reality, not confident at all. Really just uncomfortable. A real wallflower. The weight of the world. Not on his shoulders, but between his legs. Yes. Ironically, some of the most confident dictators in the world. Smallest bollocks of all time. Yeah on his shoulders, but between his legs. Yes, ironically, some of the most confident dictators

in the world. Smallest bollocks of all time. Yeah, it's really... It doesn't follow. It's actually a really bad measure. We should stop using it.

Yeah, we should really stop using it. Particularly in politics. It seems demeaning somehow. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, this episode is dedicated to Billy. Well, Josh,

it's been so, so great having you. Thank you so much for coming and doing this. I'm delighted. Thank you so much for coming and doing this. Delighted. Thank you so much for doing what you, thank you for bringing so much light into my life. Oh.

And keep up the brilliant work and I look forward to seeing you in the audition room.