My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Learning German

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

In honour of Belinda's time in East Berlin, Jamie, Alice and James get to grips with some sexy German phrases. (Listen to the end to hear one of our favourite 'Ok Georgie Porgie' remixes.) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes. Now, James, you have a little treat for us this week. Is that true? Yes. Now, we're spending a lot of time in East Berlin. We are. And Rocky's using a lot of German phrases. Yeah, he's bedded in the culture. He really is, and I hate to say it, but we're actually learning things as we go. Yeah, about language. Not the English language language because obviously he's not fluent in that but um he does seem to be trying his hand at languages of the

world so i mean we did a couple of seasons ago we learned dutch so i thought it might be good we didn't learn dutch we uh we tried to understand at a sex party but we're in amsterdam damn alice we are absolutely fluent so what i thought we could do is I'm going to read you some sexy German phrases. I'd like you to repeat them and then try and guess what they mean. To each other? Wherever you want to direct your eye line is fine. And I'll just judge at the end who I think has done the best. Okay.

The best linguist or cunny linguist. Exactly. And you win absolutely nothing. So it's entirely pointless. Cool. Okay, first one. This is more flirty, first date-y, romantic phrases. Okay. Okay.

Really not good at this German. Okay. Halt, einfach die Klappe und Kussmüch. Wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I'll say it again. Repeat after me. Halt, einfach die Klappe und Kussmüch.

Halt, einfach die Klappe und Kussmüch. Not bad. Halt, einfach die Klappe und Kussmüch. Awful. Einfach who? Not bad. Awful. I'm Klaus who? I'm Klaus McLacken. How are you? A German Scottish chap.

Any guesses as to what that means? Stop. Yes. Your eyes are so beautiful. No. Stop. Hammer time. Stop. Stop.

You've got the clap. I can't be on a date with you. No. International listeners, the clap is chlamydia. I think clapper is mouth because it means just shut up and kiss me. Oh, so it's kind of aggressive, but it's actually quite sweet. Yeah, exactly. Shut up.

Just shut up and kiss me. I wouldn't be over the moon with it. Sounds like James' first date, exactly. It's quite aggressive. Shut up. Just shut up and kiss me. Okay. I wouldn't be over the moon with it. Sounds like James' first date. Yeah. Niemand ist perfekt, aber du bist perfekt für mich. Niemand ist perfekt, aber du bist perfekt für mich. Niemand ist perfekt, aber du bist perfekt für mich.

Jesus Christ. Nobody's perfect, but you're perfect for me. Alice, high five. Are you joking? What, were you going to guess that? Yeah. I'll be quick off the mark, baby cakes. As if you could... Oh my God, it's such a terrible time if you're up against me in a quiz, baby.

Okay, one more. Okay. Ich esse nicht. Ich schlafe nicht. Ich tue nichts anderes. Es ist an dich zu denken. Let's break that down. Ichfe nicht. Ich tue nichts anderes. Es ist an dich zu denken. Let's break that down. Ich esse nicht.

Es ist nicht. Es ist nicht. Ich schlafe nicht. Ich schlafe nicht. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes.

Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes.

Ich tue nichts anderes. Ich tue nichts anderes. Eis an dick zu denken. Eis an dick. Do not mention. Do not mention. Eis and Dick do not mention. Do not mention. So, what do we think? Ich esse nicht.

Ich esse nicht. I, ich. I something nicht. I night, I not. I don't want that. I not. I not, not, not. I'm, it's nightfall. Not for me.

No. I don't eat. I don't eat. I do eat you. Ich schlafe nicht. I don't eat I don't eat I do eat you because the next one ich schlafe nicht I don't I

think about it so es ist nicht is I don't eat I don't eat pussy but I'll eat your pussy but for your pussy no I don't eat

so the next one is ich schlafe nicht but I'll but I do eat but I'll but I'll slather it and stuff and then I'll eat it

I don't sleep oh I don't sleep'll eat it. I don't sleep. Oh, I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I just fuck your brains out. Oh, I know. I know. I don't eat.

I can't sleep. I can't eat because you're just in my thoughts. Yes. I do nothing but think of you. Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh my God. Fluent. Can we just put some kind of disclaimer on this so that we don't lose all of our German

listeners? Okay. We're going to go a bit ruder. Fick mick schneller. Fick mick schneller. Fuck me slowly. Nearly. Fuck me harder.

Nearly. Fuck me again. Fuck me silly. Fuck me faster. Oh, God, I was... Give me that. That's pretty close. It's nice, isn't it?

It's really nice. What is it? Fick mick schneller. Fick mick schneller. Fick mick schneller. Fick mick schneller. Fick mick schneller. Fick me Mick Schneller. Fick Mick Schneller. Fick Mick Schneller. Fick Mick Schneller. Fick me.

Schneller. Do you know what that sounds like? One smart fella, he felt smart. Did you ever do that? Oh, yeah. What was that? A tongue twister? Yeah, it's meant to trip me up to say fart smeller.

Oh. Hilarious. What are kids like? But we're just saying, fuck me faster. Ooh. Der Nutsch Fleck. Der Nutsch Fleck. The clitoris, like the nubby flesh.

Nubby flesh. Nubby flesh. Please stop saying nubby flesh. And no. Denouche flec. Denouche flec. You're making it a bit French. Nouche flec.

It's harder, like harsher. Denouche flec. Exactly. Denouche flec. Yes. Denouche flec. Always, batteries run out. Denouche flec. This might be run out. The nush fleck.

This might be wrong, but I think it's maybe. Might be. I think it's maybe like a cum pattern. Wow, that is niche. A cum pattern. You know, like. That's really rocky, a cum pattern. You know, like they say, like every snowflake is unique.

Is it something about the uniqueness of a cummerbund? Every nudge fleck is unique. Yeah, a fleck of nudge. A fleck of nudge, I think is what it is. So nudge is obviously vagina. Not obviously. So nudge is obviously a cock. Nope.

Just power of deduction here. Well, shall I tell you what it is? And then you can see if you can figure out where it's... Okay. Love bite. Oh, nudge fleck. So maybe fleck is like... Oh, like a neck wound. A bite. Oh, love fleck. So maybe fleck is like... Oh, like a neck wound.

A bite. Yeah. A fleck. Okay, this is more of a little phrase, but something that I think Rocky's going to need. Where is a thesaurus, please? How do I get out of this? No. Die hat, negrossa, kiste.

You made that sound a bit Italian. Die hat. Die hat. Negrossa. Negrossa. Kiste. K that sound a bit Italian. Diehat. Diehat. Negrossa. Negrossa. Kiste. Kiste. I like how direct German sounds.

Diehat. It's very, it's just very clear, isn't it? Yeah. Well, you know what I love you is? No. Ich liebe dich. Ich liebe... Sounds like you're yelling at someone.

Ich liebe dich. A lot of dick. A lot of, like... Lots of dick. You can't move for the dick, can you? So, sorry, this one again. Alice, you have a go at saying it. Go on then.

D-hat. D-hat. Negrosa. Negrosa. Kista. Kista. I have not... D-hat, Negrosa, Kista.

I have not kissed your... Can I kiss your dick's head? Because the hat... Slit of the dick's head. Okay. Can I suck you off? No. Because if you're like... Can I... Sorry dick's head? Because the hat. Slit of the dick's head. Okay. Can I suck you off? No.

Because if you're like, can I? Sorry to interrupt. Can I just suck you off? I'm sorry, what's your name? No, it's she's got big tits. D-hat negrosa kista. Kista is boob. Oh, the kistas.

You can kiss the kistas. Nice. Or kista in some regions can mean big butt rather than boobs. I like big kisters and I cannot lie. Yeah. Kister. People say kister, don't they? Oh, yeah, they do. Kister, yes.

In Home Alone. Yes. Ugly, yeller, no good kister off my property. I love that. When I say people, I meant Home Alone, actually. So this is a verb. A doing word. A to something.

And it's teen, brackets, teen slang. Okay. Oh, okay. So this is technically verb. A doing word. A to something. And it's teen, brackets, teen slang. Okay. Oh, okay. So this is technically not really German. No, I think we're learning, you know, real colloquialisms. This is what people, this is what the kids are saying. You know how James likes saying lit, even though nobody says it anymore. Stuff like that.

Ein Handsegelen. Ein Handsegelen. Oh, we're good at that. Yeah, that's good. And that's all one word. Ein Handsegelen. Ein Handsegelen. Think about the word and that's good. And that's all one word. Ein Hand Segeln. Ein Hand Segeln. Think about the word and it might help.

To threesome. No. What have you thought about the word there? I thought segeln sounds a little bit like threesome. I don't know. Ein Hand. Is that me? I, no.

No. Ein Hand Segeln. Ein Hand Segeln. Is it something to do with seagulls? No, you're focusing maybe too much on the end of the word rather than the front of it. Einhand. Is it about Einstein? Oh, wanking.

Yes! One-handed sex, does it mean, literally? Yeah, one-handed sex, I think. Yeah. So, to jerk off, wank or spank the monkey. I'm so down with the kids. Why don't you know any German apart from wanking? You're so prim, knowing all of the real

german words i'm like on the streets um guile that's g-e-i-l guile guile come is this one combating okay just to help you none of them because it is not a thing come pattern fuck me um is this anal don't look at me so directly in the eye and say that is this anal is this have you ever said that before is this it are we doing it now is this anal is this what it is guile means uh any last guesses um yes I have a last guess is it putrid smelling like stuff like disgusting

because it sounds like bile yeah bile or is it like frigging like frigging yeah is it

stop looking at me so seriously with your guess I'm just trying to guess who says frigging is it oh what's the word frigging I'm trying to think of sex acts that are like one really short get This is frigging Is it Oh what's Frigging I'm trying to think of

Sex acts that are like One really short word Which obviously frigging isn't But Like It isn't cum It's not I'm just going to tell you

Because this is Descending into madness Horny It means horny Oh I'm well guile Yeah Oh god Guile's the max

Well actually super guile Has become slang for Cool or great in German So you're like That is super guile Oh because slang for cool or great in German So you'd be like that is superguile Oh because it's super horny baby Ficken is to fuck I'm just going to tell you that one I've been ficken

All day Because all day it's the same I've been ficken all day Okay this is another verb Okay Jemandem einen blazen Jemandem einen blazen. Jemandem einen blazen. Jemandem, literally mandem.

Jemandem einen blazen. Jemandem and blazen. Jemandem einen blazen. You box them, you ship them. So it's something and something. Well, let me give you a clue. Ein and einen and eine are always a. Oh, so it isn't the hump and skunk.

It's not the hump and skunk. Okay. But great guess. Yamandan, Einan, Blazen. Something a something. Yes. To fuck your mother. Oh, why does he say that?

Where's the a? Oh, to fuck a mother. Where's the a? To fuck her mother. To fuck her mother. Everyone fucks a mother, don't they? Do they? Do they, James?

How many mothers have you fucked in your time? What does that mean? No, I guess everyone fucks a daughter because everyone's a daughter of someone, but not everyone fucks a mother. Some people don't fuck women. Yeah. You're self-increditing.

Well, everyone who fucks women fucks a daughter. Well, this is a great phrase. Everyone that fucks a woman fucks a daughter. Anyway, it's not that. What beautiful philosophy. So it's something... So say it again, sorry. Jemanden einen Blasen. I thought Jemanden, you see, that's where that what beautiful philosophy so it's something so say it again sorry your mandem

ein and blazen I thought your mum you see that's where that's from your mum is wearing a blazer yeah your mum's on fire your mum's so hot

she's on fire oh my god translating other languages isn't like what does it sound like in English and then just like it is a bit

well it is because that's how you were teaching us before so yeah but you don't go your mandem okay so your mandem ein blazen. I think it means your crew,

like all of your mandem, are off there smoking weed. Do you want to come? She's had quite enough tea for one evening. I'm joking. Obviously it means, look, we're going to have to clear out this room because people are going to be here soon. Okay, I'm just going to tell you.

James is a wit's end. Blazen is to blow. So, your mandem ein in Blazen is to go down on someone or do fellatio. Do fellatio. Right, last one because, quite frankly, this is getting insane. I'm so sorry. I have better things to do. The listeners have better things to do.

There are no listeners left. Desh fans. Desh fans. Desh fans. Desh fans. Oh, it's who you fuck, the fans. Again, it doesn't have to rhyme with the English word or sound like the English word. Desh fans, the cock.

Yes, it's slang for penis. Oh, for fuck's sake. Desh flans. This is a stupid quiz. Okay. I think that's enough. Um, and I need to choose a winner. Yes, please.

Jamie, you got two right. Mm-hmm. Alice, you got two right. Mm-hmm. So it is a bit of a draw, but if I was awarding it on effort. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I'm going to have to give it to Jamie. Bullshit. Yes. Bullshit. So you're the loser, Alice. Bullshit. it on effort yeah yeah yeah i think i'm gonna have to give it to jamie bullshit yes bullshit so you're the loser alice you're the loser and so is the german language well i'm in good company i hope my pronunciation was right i'm sorry if i got it wrong but i was i was trying really hard we were really basing our pronunciation off you so oh god yeah i can never go to germany again is this just what's in your phrasebook or have you deliberately selected sexual stuff no he's got breasts in there you're fine you disappeared for a bit when we were all in berlin together where the fuck were you let me tell you these came in

very handy okay well we'll see you next week in east berlin but before we go guys on monday we had uh the song okay georgie poor g do you remember that do we well um we asked people to get involved and to send us their remixes and oh my god we got so many yes it was a little treat we thought we'd play you out with one when we ask you guys to do this you never disappoint i mean the quality goes from so high to so very low. But the thing I find always amazing is how few people have jobs. It's really amazing. So this is Lexi Morris with her original composition of Okay Georgie Porgie.

So we'll see you next week. Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen. Auf Wiedersehen. Okay Georgie4G, we only have 40 minutes to get out, or get about Pack your stuff and slims, pack your stuff and slims Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Okay Georgie Bogey, we only have 40 minutes to get out All there about, pack your stuff and slants

Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants I was happy as a log on a farm Life was heaven on a hat stand But then my heart fell into my arse Fish is gonna be pissed off I'm gonna linger for broth, broth I'll be crying like a star Big hit in a fence I'll be crying like a star, picking an offense

I will never get our hands on those blueprints Okay, judge and poetry, we only have fourteen Better to get out, or they're about Pack your stuff and slants, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Snips baby Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants I'm Fizzling

Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Keep your plans from bad boys to ugly mess Pack your stuff and slants If lunch breaks don't kill this company My vagina sure will I know I look the fucking money tits But will fish still pay me my two mil? Okay, Georgie, Borgie

We only have fourteen Better still get out Or they're about Pack your stuff and slant Pack your stuff and slant We only have 14 minutes to get out Or thereabouts Pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and Slants! Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants

Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and slants Pack your stuff, pack your stuff, pack your stuff and Slants, baby! I can't you keep watching? Shits, baby. Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month.

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