My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Righting The Wrongs Again

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Jamie, Alice and James read your complaints, corrections and comments on book 5 so far.. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, The Footnotes.

Alice Levine, take it away this week. Well, it feels like we get to a point every series where we have to hold our hands up and go, the inbox is full of, if I'm being nice to us, queries, and if I'm being probably more accurate, people correcting us on all the shit we've got wrong. We're just being told off constantly. It's around episode one that happens. Yeah, about five to ten minutes into episode one. So we should write some wrongs

and not for the first time. Yeah, and I'm going to take us right back to the beginning. Oh, sure. For the first complaint. Yeah, let's call it a complaint. This is the complaints department episode. Dominique's pointed out

around 30 minutes into episode one Giselle has mouthfuls of male membrane and starts to grind her teeth on Tony's long look while she's got the cock in her mouth and we didn't notice well that just tells you everything you need to know about where we've come to doesn't it

we cannot Dominique I cannot stress enough we cannot be dwelling on that kind of minutiae there's just no time and also it's not good for our health also i my mind was still in heaven with nelson mandela well and i think we were literally gagging on the male membrane at the time so there's only so many things not at the time i hasten to her uh yeah you're right i mean it's just a lot to take in but well observed of course absolutely another subject that seems to have absolutely united

the linkers across the world is our discussion of mirrored ceilings and whether they were still on. I don't think we've ever had more emails than we have about mirrored ceilings. People are very into their mirrored ceilings. We asked if they'd gone extinct, if they'd been phased out.

We've had screen grabs of Airbnb. We've had photos of people lying in their own beds looking up at their own mirrored ceiling. We've had anecdotal evidence of dates gone by where mirrored ceilings were involved. Someone's grandmother had a mirrored ceiling and they only just kind of put two and two together after listening to the episode. Just worrying. Emily's got in touch. She said that she grew up with a mirrored ceiling when she was a child.

She had it throughout her childhood and never knew what it was for. But she'd look at herself doing her cheer routine while laying in bed i don't even know what that means and also not necessary uh but as she got older she learned what they were for and started to question her mum and dad's parenting style oh quite well hang on though is there any other reason that you would have a mirrored ceiling maybe there are completely innocent reasons well interior designers always put them in narrow rooms to make rooms look wider so a very very shallow ceiling could have a lovely mirrored effect to make it look like a very large room if your bedroom ceiling is but three feet away from your face it will give the illusion that

it's a lot higher if you're living in hobbiton maybe it's a good way of looking at a whole outfit before you go out for the day lying on your bed get a full length mirror why are you putting it on your ceiling how will this look when I'm lying in bed tonight? I don't know. If your ceiling's not high enough for a full length mirror, I don't know. What, you mean like a kind of wall-saving device? Yeah, exactly. Stick it on the ceiling? Yeah.

I guess another thing could be, I wonder what I look like when I'm asleep. Right. It's a lot of effort to go to. It is, yeah. Get a selfie stick. Yeah, you're right, you're right. In the days before selfie sticks. This was the Victorian selfie stick.

There you go. NASA system has been alive and well for centuries uh evie's got in touch she says i'm pleased to inform you that i have spent vast amounts of time in a room with not only a mirrored ceiling but all the walls even in the bathroom i work in an adult institution oh sorry okay sorry well we shouldn't laugh at that should we we don't know what kind of institution she's put brackets brothel and the completely mirrored room is a favorite for the clients us girls aren't exactly thrilled to spend any time in there especially when having sex with someone you're not exactly attracted to it's especially exhausting because you can't even hide your facial expressions of annoyance oh my god and have to look like you're having a great time the whole time lest they catch you in the mirrors rolling your eyes

oh my what do they usually roll their eyes that's a bit like have you ever been in a clothes changing room and it's got all the different bits of mirror at different angles so you can see the back of you and stuff disgusting awful have you ever seen yourself like from the corner the haunch oh guys you two are in very good shape try being me in one of those mirrored rooms. The like, the hangover, the, I always get a bit of hangover. I don't need to, I kind of know that's happening. I don't need to see that 360. Then I just think, I don't want anyone to ever see me from that angle.

Because people are obviously going to be stood and looking at you from that position. Oh yeah, other people, that's what you look like all the time. Yeah, gross. Does that bother you though? That doesn't really bother me actually. It's just the people, that's what you look like all the time. Yeah, gross! Does that bother you though? That doesn't really bother me actually. It's just the disconnect between what you think you look like and what obviously other people see at all times. Yeah, I mean I was just parading

in here in a towel and... You actually were in a quite Simon Cowell style high-waisted towel. Thank you very much, Alice. A Simon towel if you will. I try to just cover as much of me as possible, for your benefit. That will be on Instagram if anyone wants to see it later he came in here claiming he'd burnt his foot in the shower i think he just wanted it to be an exhibitionist connor says i once hooked up with a guy whose bed

was just a mattress on the floor with a huge mirror on the ceiling you know where he spent the money seriously get a bed frame i think it should be an additional added accessory i think if you haven't got a bed yet save up for that exactly the more worrying thing as well as he says he asked about it obviously because how could you ignore it and he said he just super glued it to the ceiling sweet jesus so he thought it was gonna like fall on them during the act this is a psa this is this is to warn people isn't it like honestly if you're thinking about it super glue is not sufficient no what would be sufficient i'm drilling that in you're drilling it well she's getting drilled beneath it drill your mirrored ceilings ladies and gentlemen we cannot stress that enough if you learn nothing

else from this show what else have people been pulling us up on well um do you remember i said um staying alive was a good rhythm uh for cpr yes yes yes people like james it's not the only song there are others oh if that's not to your taste if you're not familiar with the bgs back catalogue um and one song you could use katie suggests is another one bites the dust which seems a bit insensitive yeah yours mood wise i would say is more optimistic and also perhaps a little more delicate yeah uh but i will survive is another good one by Gloria Gaynor. Okay.

Are these based on the rhythm or the lyrics? I don't know. Is it death or living based? Work It, Missy Elliott. Oh, now that's a contemporary one. Yes. That's something a bit... Well, more so than the Bee Gees.

Yeah, okay. Girls Just Want to Have Fun. That feels like a good one for Belinda or Bella. Yeah, I can imagine Belinda doing that on Bella's chest. Inevitably, the Culture Vultures have been on, guys. They want to flag something to do with Venus de Milo. Can you guess what? Oh, yeah, because every single person tweets about this.

Yeah, if you remember, Dr Studd in her youth visited Venus de Milo in Italy. Although not actually where it slash she resides. Yeah, where is she? In the Louvre. She's in France, yeah. And has been since 1880-something. Which tells us a lot about the date of that chapter, potentially. And someone did say, don't assume that she is younger than 200 years old, okay? Yeah, we can't be sure when it comes to Rocky.

Yeah. On a less cultured note, on a much more graphic note, in fact, double penetration. Oh, sure. I think we need to talk about this talk about this yeah i feel quite the fool so i think it was me who started the idea that it was two peens one hole but i don't think you're completely wrong there no and i i actually also thought that it does happen a lot in gay porn is that because there's only one hole to go in well quite jamie um there are more holes tara's got in touch to clear things up okay good take it away tara so she says when you have two peens yes that is the plural of penis

oh i didn't know that p-e-n-e-s is that pen s n-e-s what peens or pen s sorry let me just do a little google here i mean we're getting it wrong on the thing that's supposed to be as correcting as being wrong penis is the plural of penis peens okay so it is peens peens amazing so when you have two peens in one hole it's called double anal or double vaginal depending on the hole that makes sense right okay and apparently it's the lesser seen right sexual act okay it's quite rare it it's a unicorn sure yeah because yeah that is that is a tight fit isn't it perhaps not i don't know so you know we came up with six uh the cheesy hedgehog for two in the mouth two in the bum two in the vag there's an eight someone

told me there's an eight on Twitter. The cock-topus. That's not a thing. The cock-topus. That's not a thing. But hang on, how though? Talk me through that. Two in the hands.

Oh, two in the hands. A full-on cock-topus. Why are your eyes so wide? And that is a gangbang, isn't it? That's just a lot. That is a good old-fashioned gangbang. That's just a lot of cocks. Is there a song called Gangbang?

It's like, we're having a gangbang, we're having a ball. I don't know, it sounds as though it would be in some sort of music hall. It's like we're having a gang bang, we're having a ball. I don't know, it sounds like it would be in some sort of music hall. It is. We're having a gang bang. So double penetration then, just one in the back, one in the front generally, hetero style. Yeah. But I think there's many. Because there's that whole thing, isn't there, whereby you don't want your cocks to actually physically touch,

even though you can feel each other's dick inside. We know that they won't. You do realise they don't join up. But that's the point. No, but you realise that they won't you do realize they don't join up but that's the point but you realize that they won't no matter how deep you go no if you're both in the same hole i mean no i know i don't think you do know oh i just thought it was like one one sleeve back to front i bet you did no i didn't you can still feel it apparently i'll take your word for it yeah well i haven't but like apparently you can feel the other person's penis no apparently so i don't know this is what i've heard who are you talking to people on twitter I'll take your word for it. Yeah, well, I haven't... You can feel it. Apparently you can feel the other person's penis. No. Apparently so.

I don't know. This is what I've heard. Who are you talking to? People on Twitter. They're very, very informative. Jamie, you need better friends. And Joseph Price got in touch to say that a cock in the arse, a cock in the vag, and a cock in the mouth is called airtight, apparently.

I don't like the way he stared straight into my eyes as he said that. Airtight. Is it airtight? No, it's got, you know. It's not hermetically sealed, is it? You've got your ears. Is Joseph Price happy that he's got both of his names put to that? I mean, he's there now.

Forevermore. I want to discuss the fact that Belinda was described as having her fifth sense as knowing other people's pilgrimages of the heart. Jo got in touch and said say if that's her fifth sense which other one is she missing sight sound smell probably smell we hope smell yeah wait a second why didn't we realize five was standard again i think these things just pass us by sometimes there's so much to deal with it's an onslaught yeah it's an onslaught on all our senses let alone hers yeah if i was bel, I would want to give up smell.

Just because some of the odours. She can't give up taste because of all that lovely French mustard cock she's tasting. She can't give up feeling. I mean, that's her whole reason for being, is to feel each other's bodies. She's got to be able to see the pots and pans. Absolutely. And to blink. Oh, yeah, of course.

She's got to be able to hear. Actually, I'd lose hearing because I'd spend so much time with bella no thank you oh poor bella just to skip over some stuff just to save our blushes basically because you know there's so much to get through um i just really enjoy this email that starts dear fucking idiots that does sum us up to be fair continue candida or candida still not sure means chased or innocent in Italian yes but Bella's not Italian

there's also a famous play by George Bernard Shaw called Candida and it's a standard issue but not all that common woman's name thanks

well you did know a candida I did know the latter yeah but I just enjoy any email to us that opens dear fucking idiot

so feel free to do that from here on in don't because that's all there'll be now well it's only really you that reads them so i actually quite enjoy that that's going to be the majority of the inbox well i've actually got one here from caroline who says hi you gorgeous lot much better thank you caroline that's a nice antidote and caroline just wants to point out that

uh the hump and skunk is not a kill kenny custom oh it's not no they're famous for their charm the castle the cathedral the medieval mile but not the hump and skunk well we need to go on urban dictionary because someone has filled that in on urban dictionary now it's actually on there it's on there oh i'm so proud official slang so here's the urban dictionary definition of hump and skunk okay during a threesome involving at least one male or female with a sizeable strap on, you hump one of them while eating the other's asshole until completely full. Known for being a cherished Kilkenny custom. Or not.

We know that now. Uh-oh. Got to edit it. Just rimming. Very good. Very good. Very good. We love it when people go to corners of the internet and just make it a bit more Belinda.

Graffiti Belinda urban myths all over the place people do don't they've gone on linkedin made pages for alfie the small man justin black i think every herb i'll put song on youtube now has comments amazing this is a niche one people have gone onto the page for hull airport and left reviews in line with the ones that we read. Yes! Fucking hell. Our jobs here are done. And we're about done. I think that's about it for now. I'm sure we'll have more mistakes as the series goes on, but... More emails.

Yeah, but thanks for keeping us honest. We do appreciate it. We live for the pedantry. Fucking idiots. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance.

Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.