My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Rocky Answers Your Questions 3

Episode Date: September 6, 2018

You have thousands of questions. And Rocky Flintstone has none of the answers. But he'll give it his best shot as he gets his exclusive right to reply in this week's Footnotes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porn of the Footnotes. Now this week we've got something really, really special. We only do this once a year actually. Christmas? No, we are hearing from the great man himself, the author extraordinaire, Mr. Rocky Flintstone. This is my favourite thing that we do. This is my absolute favourite day of the year. Bring in Rocky!

No, he's not here, is he? Hello, Gage. No, he isn't here. He is otherwise engaged, probably with a few drinks in his hands, but he has sent us the answers to your questions via email. So, are you ready? No, I'm obsessed with doing this though. I'm never ready. I'm never ready for what comes out of his brain. I don't think he's ever ready to reply to them

either because they are kind of batshit. Can you as ever try and work through the slightly idiosyncratic syntax? I'll do my best. I can't promise anything. I can never sleep the night before we do these. It's like Christmas Eve. You know when you wake up on the hour every hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has he come yet? Has he come? No, Paul's just afraid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The first one's a bit of a curveball. Jacob has asked him, what sports do you play, Rocky?

Oh, sure. One word answer. Twister. To be fair, I do like Twister too. Is that a sport? Is that considered a big sport? I've never seen my father play Twister. I've seen it at the Commonwealth Games.

I've seen it. Have you never seen him play? No, never. Not once. Gutted, though. What a sight. Oh, Rocky Flintstone. Left foot on green, right arm on red.

Katie has asked him. This is a little niche for our British audiences. We might have to explain this a little bit. But she said, Rocky, if Belinda went on come dine with me which we should say is a british tv show where strangers all go to each other's house for dinner over the course of a week and kind of rate each other's culinary ability right and hilarity ensues absolutely it's got a great voiceover um what would she serve her guests so i guess what would belinda serve at a dinner party what would be her kind of go-to dish hi katie yum yum what a dinner party the only person we know is there is belinda

but what a dinner party it would have to be the glee team of course what she's serving them for dinner you misunderstood the question it's not who is he serving, it's what is she serving. What, Giselle under a cloche? So you just raise the lid and... Like an apple in her mouth. Yeah, a banner on a spit roast. Well, we've seen that before. That was true. It would have to be the Glee team, of course. And Sir James, you know how he likes his puddings, do we?

Do we? Never mentioned that, but cool. Now we do. We do know that now. So she'd start off with some of those little babushkas and a gin and tonic cocktail of course

sorry I have a question yes what's a babushka I have no idea well a babushka is a a Kate Bush song I believe yes

isn't that a Russian doll yeah isn't that where there's a smaller one with even each oh let me check the machine once I already let me refer to the

Rocky Flintstone translator let's see what he means boop boop boop boop boop boop your word is not Oh, let me check the machine one sec. Already? Let me refer to the Rocky Flintstone translator. Let's see what he means. Your word is not recognised. Please try again. I found something called a bazboza, which is a semolina cake of Egyptian descent. Could that be it?

Yeah, that'll be it. I think it's a drink. For starters, semolina cake, yeah. Sounds good. Can't wait. Yum, yum. What a dinner party. I just thought it meant Russian grandma

it might mean that as well then she'd do spaghetti bolognese right classy then I had a dinner party last night and I just bought

takeaway pizzas it was honestly the most pitiful sight Alice I was lucky enough to be included as one of the valued guests oh wow I was unlucky enough

not to be he literally put out some takeaway pizzas. Yeah. And, you know, because it gets a little bit greasy. On the box. What did he throw at us all? Bog roll.

Toilet roll. Loo roll. I didn't have any kitchen roll. And it wasn't even a new roll of toilet roll, was it? It was a half-finished toilet roll. It wasn't one of those ones where it's got a bit damp and so it's gone wrinkly. It was very dark. James, you know how to cook now.

We got completely shit-faced. It was great. Yeah, that's my top tip for a dinner party. Wine. Yeah, it's good. Well, actually, Dad says serve with a cold chardonnay from the Barossa Valley in South Australia.

My fave is 19 Crimes. 19 Crimes Against Literature or... His fave what? Chardonnay. Oh, right. I thought you just named it Chardonnay. No, no, no. Cold Chardonnay from the Barossa Valley.

Oh, right, okay. His specific one is 19 crimes. Nice little shout-out for 19 crimes there. I bet he thinks he's going to get a case if he says that. Yeah. Yum, yum. Dessert would be just more chards. He's the kind of person that, like,

keeps saying yum, yum, so you think it's delicious. I should have done that last night. Yum, yum, everybody, eh? Yum, yum. Yum yum. Next one. Wervers has asked, what's the inside of your shed slash pavilion like?

We've talked about this a little bit before, haven't we? We've all had the good fortune to visit it now, haven't we? I wonder if he'll describe it as we experienced it. Well he's said, big. So no. Just boasting. Is that what he said?

That's what he said. Oh my God. It is big, but he's filled it with so much crap. So much crap. There's hardly any room to move.

Yeah. There are also so many features of the pavilion that you can discuss. I can't believe he's not gone into them. It's as cluttered as his mind.

I think it kind of is like a representation of him as a writer. People won't believe that there's two rooms. He's got a bed in there. Is it three rooms? Yeah.

Has he got a secret dungeon? He's got another room. Yeah, he's got a bed in there. He thinks you can sleep. I would never sleep in there. It's uninhabitable. Well, I think my dad sleeps in there when mum's throwing him out of the house. So I think it's more needs over desire.

Right, sure. James, that's outrageous. They sleep in there at Christmas. I have slept in the pavilion, yeah. It was so fucking cold. There's no heating. There's no electricity. They sleep in there at Christmas. I have slept in the pavilion, yeah. It was so fucking cold. There's no heating, there's no electricity. There's barely walls, James. Famously, the windows are made of bottles.

I mean, I... It is honestly going to be some sort of English heritage site one day. Should we put the museum in there one day? The Rocky Flintstone Museum? Yeah. Sarah has asked, Dear Mr Flintstone... Very formal, very polite.

Suck up. As a young-ish aspiring writer, Sarah has asked Dear Mr Flintstone Very formal Very polite Sucker As a young-ish Aspiring writer I was wondering If you ever struggle With writer's block And if so How do you overcome it?

Oh this should be good Sorry Writer's block Writer's block Hi Sarah No The joy is all mine Oh because she said

Thanks for all the joy Oh right God Can these two get a room I don't mean get a room Sorry Hi, Sarah. No, the joy is all mine. Oh, because she said thanks for all the joy. Oh, right. God, can these two get a room? I don't mean get a room, sorry. I believe writer's block is an affliction some great writers have. But never fear, I'm not one of those, so I have no problems. Oh, dad.

He kind of knows. He's starting to acknowledge it himself. The first stages of meeting you have a problem. Exactly. He says, a good stiff walk will do wonders for anyone. So why not with WB? WB. Writers Block.

Oh, sorry. You know WB. That scourge of the writer's empire. Cool. Top tips from Rocky Rocky Jack's asked I've always wondered what kind of music Belinda listens to who are her favourite singers, bands

I can imagine her loving Jack I love you I love you I can imagine her loving a bit of Madonna so Dad says Hi Jack hope you're well Belinda listens to Donna. So dad says, hi Jack. Hope you're well.

Belinda listens to Mozart and Mahler. No she doesn't. No she doesn't. But mainly in her car. I personally don't like her musical tastes but I do love Brazilian jazz and Van Morrison. If that helps. No one asked you. Also there's no

way Belinda listens to fucking Mozart. Not a chance. She's listening to Heart FM. Yeah, Magic Chilled. Magic Chilled. I can't really join in in this, Bantz, but I respect all other radio broadcasters and I wish you all well.

That really shows you've created a proper character when you don't always agree with their tastes or decisions. She's her own person. She's got her own mind. She loves it, but I really can't. I hate that about Belinda. She's her own person. She's got her own mind. She loves it, but I really can't. I hate that about Belinda. She loves this music.

Like he has no control of what's coming out the pen. Andrew Hall has asked, do you know who the special one is? Have you plotted it or are you just flying by the seam of your underwear?

I think we can answer this one. Can I have the floor for a moment? Hi, Andrew. This is one of those questions where I'd love to hear what you think. It's a car pout, join the car pout. It's a car pout, why won't you join the car pout? Oh, that's quite tropical.

I think Belinda would love that music. It's quite tropical. I think Belinda would love that music. It's very Mozart. I must be honest and admit that I do love flying by the seams of my thong. And unfortunately, it doesn't provide a lot of padding when landing is imminent. What does it mean? Explique le text, s'il vous plaît. But hey, of course, I use a technique called a timeline. Oh, the timeline technique.

He's mentioned this before. He bloody loves that timeline. Except he doesn't use it. I mean, like, jokes aside, he does not use one. The good thing about a timeline is that you can change it at any time. That's why it's called a timeline. Eh? is that you can change it at any time. That's why it's called a timeline. I think he's struggling with the very fundamentals of a timeline,

which explains a lot of his writing, to be fair. That's why it's called a change-it-whenever-you-want-a-timeline. That is a real honest answer, to be fair. So what are we taking from that? He's basically got no fucking idea. I think he has ideas, changes them, then replots them at will. Right. You can tell.

Mark has asked, Rocky, oh God, you've inspired me to do my own creative writing. But how do you stay motivated to write so much? It always worries me when Rocky inspires inspires it feels like he's spawning like mini rockies around the world mini rockies he's like spreading a virus it is a contagion although he the volume is inspiring which is what he's commenting yes exactly quality notwithstanding he writes a lot um and dad says oh hi mark motivation is a funny thing it happens when you don't know it's happening you just do it i certainly don't feel prolific and compared to some of the well-known authors i certainly ain't no one said prolific you've added that word exactly just issuing

himself his own superlatives but again it does come back to motivation if you've we're on motivation aren't we literally what we're talking about come back to it we've never left it if you've gotten that idea in your head which needs to be written down then you will write it down god he is a prolific writer isn't he can't even write an answer to a bloody question and start again tomorrow with another idea equally as motivating so really saying basically that really is revealing about his writing that means that he writes a chapter in a sitting which is why every chapter bears no relationship to anything else it's just a new idea that day yeah it's new motivation guys and is he saying just write every day which is actually not a bad tip no true um

however there is certainly no doubt that success does have a role to play and you should enjoy your writing for that also. So what is he saying? That as people began to enjoy Belinda Blinked, it spurred him on?

It motivated him. Oh shit, let's just pack the whole shop up. It's our fault. Jessica Legs has asked, who would you cast?

Jessica who? Jessica Legs. Jessica Legs. Oh, sounds like a character from Belinda Blinked to me. Who would you cast? Jessica who? Jessica Legs. Jessica Legs. Oh, sounds like a character in Belinda Blink to me. Who would you cast? Jamie, James and Alice as in the blockbuster

adaptation of Belinda Blink. Oh my God. Oh no. I'm dreading who he's going to put us as because I think it will say a lot about how he sees us individually. So who do you think you'll get? Well, I think I know who you're going to get. Well, I think I know who you're going to get. Oh, okay. He likes you best out of the three of us. No jamie that is actually true you're the son he never had so i think he's

gonna say you're the youngish man do you reckon i think he's gonna say you're helga thank you and jamie i think you're gonna be oh this is tricky but i'm gonna say tony i was gonna say tony tony yeah i'd be happy with Tony. Let's see, shall we? I feel like it's not. Hi, Jessica. Great question. I lie tossing and turning most nights thinking about whom I would cast them as. I bet he does.

Basically, it depends if they've insulted me recently or not. Which is always and often. Now, if they've had a right good go at me in a particular episode, I would go as follows. Oh, right. Okay, so this is when he's mad. This is worst case scenario. Worst case scenario.

Alice, Jim Sterling. Ouch. To be fair. James, the Duchess. You'd love to be the Duchess. Well, he's mad with me. I'd love to see him choose when he likes me. And Jamie.

Hairbish. What a fucking joke. Thanks, Dad. I don't know, though. I see it. But if they've been very nice and mentioned the word good or even plot, I would go as follows. Oh, my God. What?

Jamie. Bella. What the Jamie, Bella. What the fuck? You are a train wreck to be fair. James, the Duchess. There you go.

You don't change. Day or night, I'm the Duchess. That's what I mean. You're the favourite whatever the weather. You are the special one. Thank you.

Alice, Belinda. Oh God. That's if he likes me yeah what are you Belinda or Jim Sterling two very big roles

to be fair Belinda in the streets Jim Sterling in the sheets what a combo and the last question is from Lucy and she asks how is Belinda

going to celebrate her upcoming big 3-0 oh is it well she's 29 isn't she shit yeah yeah her birthday could be for months and months and books and books like we might never see it Coming big 3-0. Oh, is it? Well, she's 29, isn't she? Shit, yeah. Yeah.

Her birthday could be for months and months and books and books. Like, we might never see it. Hi, Lucy. I'm afraid I can't answer that, as it would blow a big piece of the forthcoming plot right out of the water. What? Lucy, you've hit the nail on the head here. So all I can say is, hold on to your hollyhocks. The ride is just beginning.

Doesn't mean anything. Is it beginning with an apostrophe instead of the G? It is. Yeah, I thought it might be. Or is there even an apostrophe? It's just an N. Yeah, I thought it would be. N, full stop.

No full stop. No full stop, cool. He's done. He's out of there. As ever, the truly enlightening process I thought that would be. We've learnt absolutely fuck all. But great answers. Thanks, Dad.

I blame some of the questions for really leading him down the garden path. Biggest revelation is still that Twister one. I'm playing with him at Christmas. He's such a sportsman. Who knew? Not his son. So there you go. You've heard from the great man himself.

But join us next week to continue the journey, the odyssey that is Belinda Blinked, when we open chapter three. See you on Monday.