My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Royal Albert Hall

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

A special episode from inside London's Royal Albert Hall to exclusively announce we are bringing our live show to this iconic venue on Thursday 21st June. It is the world's BIGGEST podcast gig ever and we want you to be there!Tickets go on sale on Friday 2nd February at 9am - for full details of this and all our live dates across America, Canada and the UK, go to mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everybody and welcome to a very special episode of My Dad Wrote a Porno. You're never going to guess where we are. It's quite echoey. It is a bit echoey, isn't it? It's very red. We're just in the Royal Albert Hall. Hello, hello, hello. I'm hoping when we play here on the 21st of June, our live show,

it won't be as echoey and as empty as this. Please come. Yeah, we are bringing our live show to the Royal Albert Hall. And someone just told us it's going to be the biggest podcast show in the world ever. Ever? Ever, apparently. Forever, ever? Forever, ever?

I think we should dress up for the occasion. I don't know about you guys. Gown? I'll be wearing a gown. The ruffles. We know you will be. Tuxes and tiaras for James. And the ruffles shirt.

You know, the legit ruffles shirt. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Tails? Top and tails? Why not? A top hat, fuck it. I'll be Fred Astaire for the day. More like Oliver Hardy

This is totally crazy though Our biggest show ever Like you say The biggest What is it The biggest stage show of all time We've just beaten cats I've just been around

And counted the seats It's about 5200 Jesus tonight I know What you've counted them by hand Yeah And come up with an approximate figure Great

Wonderful Guys can we just have a moment? Can we just look at the Royal Albert Hall? It's like one of the most insane venues in the world. A, I can't believe they've let us in. I can't believe they've agreed to it. I know. Do they know the title of the podcast?

I think we went, my dad wrote a... And then mumbled it on the phone. Because they're going to have to do the posters. Do you think when they come to type it out, they're going to be like, sorry, just got an email through Shirley. It's called what? They think it's my dad wrote an aria.

That's what they think. Shirley, how do you use the asterisk button on this? I need to use four. How do you make font really tiny, Shirley? Why is everyone called Shirley? I don't know. There's a team of people called Shirley here at the Royal Box. There's obviously the Royal Box there.

Do you think the first outing for Markle At an event at the RAH Meg Han Meg Han Markle and her beau Prince Harry In attendance at My Dad Wrecked Porn and Mine Should we invite them? What is the etiquette for inviting a royal to a pornography event? DM

Just slide in Alice Just slide right in I mean I would settle for a Wills or Kate I'd be happy with that, the Queen I wouldn't mind the Queen Do you know what, I would settle for a Wills or Kate. I'd be happy without the Queen. I wouldn't mind the Queen. Do you know what? I'd say yes to Fergie. I wouldn't.

What? She's the Duchess. Of course she can come. Oh yeah, of course. And to be fair, Belinda sucks enough toes, so she'd be in good company. But the crazy thing about the Royal Albert Hall

is that it's one of the most iconic buildings in the world, but its history is insane. Well, famously, Rocky Flintstone himself is a patron. Yes. We come every Christmas. Not financially, just a tense.

He's been, James, he's been. Yeah, every Christmas, the Flintstone Mortons, we come to the Royal Albert Hall to watch the Big Carol concert, and it's amazing. The fact that my dad's pornography is going to be on that stage on the 21st of June is literally batshit. Heads are going to roll. People are going to be on that stage on the 21st of June is literally batshit.

Heads are going to roll. People are going to lose their jobs over this. This place is going to be shut down. The reputation, it'll be in the gutter. Royal Albert Hall, people will be like, never again. Everyone who is anyone has played here. Adele. Sinatra. Jimi Hendrix. Oh my God.

The Beatles. No. Yes. Bonnie Tyler. Not the Bonnie Tyler. The Bonnie Tyler. But Bob Dylan's been here. Oh, you love a bit of Bob Dylan. I actually Yes. Bonnie Tyler. Not the Bonnie Tyler. The Bonnie Tyler. But Bob Dylan's been here. Oh, you love a bit of Bob Dylan.

I actually saw Bob Dylan here. Jamie's even got Bob Dylan as his ringtone on his phone. Yeah, I do. That's when you know you're a fan. Subterranean homesick bruise. Thank you very much. The polyphonic version. But, I don't know if you know this about Bob Dylan, guys.

He went electric in 1965. Bit of a big deal. Like going metric. What, they like plugged him in? Exactly that. Was he literally in the mains? He was very famous for his folk songs, James, you know, just on a normal guitar.

Then in 1965, he went electric. And it was in this very building in 1966 where somebody infamously shouted out, Judas! Because people were like, acoustic, acoustic. And it was so different. That's like one of the most legendary moments

of rock and roll history. And it happened here. And I feel like it's going to happen to us. Please, please somebody shout Judas. Please. He's so good. What a great callback all those years later. And it would also be true.

A few other people that played here, James Brown, Diana Ross, Ronnie Corbett. You know, all the greats. On the same night. What an unusual bill. I think it was like a Royal Variety Show or something. It's not just music though. All kind of big famous names that play here. This is a venue which is very versatile.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Shall I tell you some of the things that they host here. This is a venue which is very versatile. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Shall I tell you some of the things that they host here? Please do. It's staged boxing. We've got your basketball, your tennis. Tennis, yes, yes, yes. Chess boxing.

What's that? Could be a typo. Could be chest boxing. Don't know. And also gut barging. Gut? I don't know. I'm not here to judge.

They just do it, okay? You mean you haven't been to the great gut barging championship? Well, you come to the Christmas carols, but you don't come to the Christmas gut barging. Judas! Yeah, also, they did host the first ever international sumo wrestling championship. At the Royal Albert Hall? At the Royal Albert Hall in 1991. Why here?

Big doors, innit? Really big doors. Great double doors. Yeah, they're big boys. Yeah, they are big boys yeah they are big boys and because uh women ladies uh oh god um female folk um i am going to feel really at home it's not only being used for sporting events obviously like they filmed a lot of movies here really any guesses what what sort of films might they film with the brawl

albert hall no i'm guessing something british yes oh sorry of course What sort of films might they film with the Royal Albert Hall? Mrs. Dartford? No. I'm guessing something British. Yes. Oh, sorry, of course. Love Actually. Kez? Kez! I, Daniel Blake?

No, Spice World. Shut up! So apparently, apparently, like I haven't seen it a million times. Apparently, according to my brain. The plot of Spice World is, it's three days leading up to their... Don't ever say the plot of Spice World, because that's not a thing. There's three days before their big show at the Royal Albert Hall. James, I'm not a philistine. I'm aware of Meat Loaf's work.

Thank you. So the finale of Spice World is their performance at Royal Albert Hall. This is mad, though. When you're saying these things, obviously I'm thinking like ridiculous, but then we're going to do it. I know. We're going to say cervix in this building. Oh God.

Have you noticed what's on the roof? They kind of look like cervixes. What? Those like, I don't know. As if you know what a cervix looks like. Come on. James, that doesn't look like a cervix. We've been through this a million times.

No, they do. I've looked, I've seen diagrams now. I've done my research. What do you think Michelangelo or whoever did that? They're circles, which is what a cervix is. Like discs. No, no. James, in fact, I can tell you something about those. You know I love a fact.

Go on. They're actually for the acoustics. They're referred to as mushrooms, which is not another name for the cervix. People don't go, oh, my mushroom's giving me jip. Do they say my cervix is giving me jip? They. Who are they? Just women folk.

Shirley. Oh, folk. Shirley. Oh, yeah. Shirley, the mushroom's playing up again. Yeah, actually, these are dampening discs, which is maybe what you would call the cervix. Dampening discs. Can you grab them? Well, I'm sure if you had a ladder

and you were a sound technician, you could. And look at that massive organ. Excuse me? The Royal Amble Hall has got a massive... Oh, God, there's innuendo everywhere, isn't there? Massive organ. It's the Jim Sterling of book two. Yeah.

Do we get to use whatever's in here? Is it at our disposal? I seriously doubt that. That looks like an impressive piece of kit. It's got 9,999 pipes. But a bitch ain't one. In organ circles, people are like, yeah, as if we haven't heard that one before.

See, I did learn piano for 10 years. I can now play the opening bars of A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton and the first verse of Candle in the Wind by Elton John. What a repertoire. So if they need me to blast something out I'm more than happy to. Wait a sec. What's that Shirley?

Are you free at the end of July? They've got an opening. Oh yeah for the proms. I thought the proms are here as well. Fucking hell. It's amazing.

I know we were on the fence but I think we should do it. Shall we play? Is this the meeting? Shall we play Land of Hope and Glory at the end of the show? Oh my god.

And then we can stand up and wave flags. Can we change the words? Something Land of Hope and Glory At the end of the show Oh my god And everyone can stand up And wave flags Can we change the words Something Land of Hope and Rocky I don't know I'm brainstorming Blue sky everyone Blue sky

So this is The perfect setting Really for what we're gonna do I mean it is Because the suffragettes Used to meet here Did they This was their

First meeting place When they were first Starting to assemble I love that you said that Like and as many people say We are the natural Modern day well i just think that you know belinda blinked is a very feminist novel it has been said it has been said not by many but quite the protagonist so yeah the suffragettes through to porn they'll be thrilled so if people are kind of weighing it up they're like i want to see something at royal albert hall could be the proms you know could be

sumo wrestling sumo wrestling Could be gut gurgling. What's it called? Barbling. Barbling. Could be that. Why would they come and see My Dad Wrote a Porno? Well, they should come and see it

because we read an exclusive chapter, the lost chapter, that you will only ever hear at a live show. And it was written by Rocky Flintstone himself. And it was so bad that even he did not include it in any of the books.

It doesn't make a lot of sense. Too shit for Rocky. I mean, if that's not a reason to buy a ticket, I don't know what is. They wouldn't let us call it that. Yeah, it's just a really fun show. We get people involved, don't we? We get people up on stage, people playing characters. It's so raucous.

It's such a mad night. And this is going to be the biggest one. So over 5,000 people, over 5,000 perverts getting involved. It's a noisier show than any I've been to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you just got to come. It's a right laugh. So bring a friend, bring a parent.

Yeah, you don't have to have heard all of the podcasts. This is very much standalone. Totally. It's just nice to get out of the house. Let's not forget that. Yeah, let's also not forget there is no plot in Melinda Blink. So you can literally dip in wherever you like. Yeah, we'll be here on the 21st of June.

Yeah, that's our London date here at the Royal Albert Hall but loads more dates if you can't make it to London. Yeah, we're going all over the US very soon. Yeah, we are. Can't wait. We're going to, I can remember these, LA, New York, Seattle, San Francisco, Boston, Washington DC,

Toronto in Canada and Chicago. God, I'm impressed by that. Well done, James. I'm not so good with the UK dates. Okay, hit me. I'll kick you off. Bristol. Bristol.

Edinburgh. Yes. Glasgow. Yes. Stoke. Cool. Warwick. Yes.

Brighton. Cool. Bristol. Oh, we said Bristol. Shit. The one that's a bit like near where we're from. Birmingham. Yes.

Nottingham. Yes. Manchester. Cool. Sheffield yes York yes

Southend by the sea correct Reading definitely Leicester if you want Cardiff

alright Woking New Victoria Theatre you better believe it Norwich no we're not actually going to Norwich oh shit

well there's other ones as well Cambridge Liverpool Newcastle we're going all over the shop but if you go to mydadwr Oh, shit. Well, there's other ones as well. Cambridge, Liverpool, Newcastle. We're going all over the shop. But if you go to mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live, you can see a full list of dates and buy tickets. You know Norwich is going to be so furiously now.

It's dead nice as well, Norwich. It's so lovely. So will Oxford. We're going there too. Well, Norwich lot, just come to one of the other ones and we'll come to you next time. And we're also going to be releasing more international dates very soon as well.

So fear not, Europe and beyond. Who's that woman furiously pointing to us over there? Is that Shirley? Oh, that's Shirley. It's Shirley number four. We've got to get out. She's not pointing. She's using a different finger

and she definitely wants us to leave. Shirley, mate, you can have a free ticket. She's here anyway. So before we get kicked out... James, honestly, hurry up. She's getting really irate. Shirley, chill. Seriously. We can't wait to see you on tour

come to see us wherever's closest to you and don't forget the Royal Albert Hall tickets go on sale on Friday the 2nd of February all the details

are available at mydadrockporno.com forward slash live they are indeed and don't forget we will be back later in the year with more Belinda Blink

we're going to be opening Belinda Blink 4 we're going to find out who the special one is, maybe. And there'll be more from the crazy, crazy mind of the one and only Mr. Rocky Flintstone. I think the special one might be Shirley.