My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: What Happens Next?

Episode Date: June 22, 2017

After this week's clithanger, the gang read your theories about what's next for Belinda. Is this the end? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Oh, honestly, we've got the wine out. It's a party. I've got my boobs out. It's what she would have wanted please put them away it is the biggest cliffhanger since jim sterling's penis it is speculation is rife around the world lots of conspiracy theories twitter was lit this week honestly people can't believe it are they convinced she's gone from this mortal earth there are all sorts of crackpot theories no one can

predict what's gonna i don't think anyone knows what rocky's cooked up we certainly don't it's the sean spicer press conference give us some of the more outlandish ones because james you've been combing twitter and instagram and everywhere and when you say outlandish i mean maybe very plausible because nobody would have guessed blue cum well mike on Twitter thinks it's going to get a bit supernatural. He thinks Belinda's going to be a sexy ghost from now on. A ghost? Stalking the hallways of Steeles Pots and Pans. Forever more.

And Epsom Hall, I would think. Oh, yeah. Because actually then they could charge more for the tours. Not only a dildo room, but also a ghost. Always got a business hat on. Even in the afterlife. Always got that hat on. Cost centre. Never far from a ghost. Always got a business hat on. Even in the afterlife. Always got that hat on. Cost centre.

Never far from a mind. Linus is expecting a Misery style storyline in the next episode. Well, dad is a fan of Stephen King. Steph King. Sorry. Yeah. So in Misery, broke the knees. What happened?

Yeah. So Kathy Bates kind of takes in her favourite author and kind of nurses him back to hell. But then when she discovers that he's killed off her favourite character, she turns psychotic. Sure. On his ass. So wait, who in this equation is Rocky? Rocky's very much James Caan.

Okay. You're Kathy Bates. Oh no. James Caan, formerly of Mickey Blue Eyes. Mickey Blue. Patreon was talking to a friend. Wants us to know he's got mates. And he thinks B, he calls her B, probably running out of characters.

Well, we need to know about the mates. That's true. Yeah, exactly. He thinks B will need a boob or vag transplant. So Jim Sterling will fly her to a special clinic. So she's going to come out of it and need something replaced. Oh, she'll need some sort of work done A gross, B it'll be that clinic

in the middle of the Amazon that does everything won't it, isn't it a one stop shop of enhancements it is Nicholas said he's loving the idea of a Belinda funeral he can just imagine the conversation how did you know her? Oh well I fucked her in a pile of mud yeah so did Pete everybody wants to say a few words I fucked her in a pile of mud. Yeah, so did Pete.

Everybody wants to say a few words. The funeral would be crackerjack because we, as we've always said, we know a little bit about Bobby Blumenthal, like we presume he'd be there. Didn't she say her friends from home are like mental? Oh yeah. All these like weird mental friends would turn up. When worlds collide. who would be the

pallbearers bill bill from hr bill from hr he'd not turn up so he'd be down on one side he can't be trusted uh tony alphonse peter peter of course sam the youngish man would have to you know show willing and turn up jim if he's all healed but you're probably not supposed to lift heavy objects you know 10 weeks after hank's gamee. Oh my God, of course. And maybe to put a spin on the traditional gender roles, the Hunt's girls. Oh my God. Donis and Joan. Donis and Joan Hunt.

I would have suggested Alfie the smallish man, but he probably can't reach the others, bless him. He's probably too short. But he could be perched atop. Riding. Like the Rolls Royce statue. Yeah, exactly. What would you say

as a parent at that? When you are going around, you're mingling, you're doing the wake thing, you're saying she had a great life. Yeah. And then you're meeting all these guys

and she's like, so you're a boyfriend? No, I wouldn't say boyfriend. Worked with her. We were romantically involved. Like, how do you... Yeah, everyone in her life is a sexual connection.

Yeah. What about Chris? Tina Rouse. Yeah. In the lift. Yeah.ouse yeah that's all they did wasn't it she only showed her ass yeah no but they had little feely uppie didn't they oh of course of course they're not animals romance isn't dead is that enough of a reason for christina's to go to the funeral we all scroped each other in a lift yeah you, you're right. I don't know. I feel like this funeral will be ticketed, though. What if no one goes? Oh, like Eleanor Rigby. Belinda Bloomathal is a name that can be buried forever,

and no one would miss it, to be fair. She'll always live in our hearts, though. I mean, Belinda now is a legend, and we're all going to have her here forever, and I'm pointing at my boob. You are. You're clutching your chest. I feel like she'd get the full shebang wouldn't she what like a state funeral the queen would have to come out and look at the flowers crowns just throwing thongs at the hearse

yeah it's bulletproof and just pans bouncing off miss blumenthal is now going down the mall to Westminster Abbey. Actually, talking about the funeral, someone has written a eulogy. Oh, good. Which I think is appropriate.

It's from Fiona Bowler. She's adapted W.H. Auden's famous Stop All The Clocks, Cut Off The Telephone. Stop all the cocks. Cut off the fax machine. Prevent theuchess from sobbing in the church latrine

silence the pans and with muffled drum bring out the coffin let the mourners come spell the cum yeah it's actually uh let helicopters circle moaning overhead scribbling on the sky the the message, she is dead. Virgil in his helicopter. Oh my God, from the Lazy Bee Run. Love that he gets a little mention. Regional sales managers sound the pangongs. Oh yeah, they'd definitely be the pallbearers.

Oh, of course. How did we not even mention them? Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton thongs. I love this so much. She was my pot, my pan, my wok, my skillet. Yes, skillet. My working week and my Sunday night sweat. It doesn't quite rhyme.

I think Fiona's starting to lose it here. It's emotion. She was everyone's working week. My hotel lobby, turkey sandwich feast. Alas, she is gone, but a good life at least. Debatable. The pans are not wanted now. Throw out the lot.

Pack up the woks and dismantle the pot. Pour away the Chilean chardonnay. Belinda is gone. There is no more to say. Oh my God. I know you shouldn't clap at a funeral, but I'm going to clap. Oh, Fiona. I think there'll be really impressed lady voices at that.

That was really, really nice. Thank you. I would say that's brought a tear to my eye but I just think it's sweat because we're in a really hot room does anybody else feel like people want this to be a full stop they're like here's the eulogy here's the obituary

let's all go home I feel people just want to shake up the Belinda Blink series a bit so maybe if Belinda does die that opens the door to maybe the Bella takeover that people have talked so much about or even another character that we've maybe not zoomed in on, but the Rocky in his, you know, genius mind has decided is the heir.

What, like a real bit part from something? We know what he's like. It'll be like a dam or something. Do you know what I mean? Or the tall man from the Tombola. Yeah, precisely. Who I loved. Well, it's funny you should say that

because Wesley Van Wenson. Stop it. What a name. Who's in Belinda Blink 4. He says, theory time. Belinda's gone for real. New protagonist is Bella. Short for Belinda.

Is it? Rocky Flintstone's been grooming her for this. I don't like the use of grooming. Yeah, me neither. If Bella becomes the new protagonist, I quit. If we have to have Bella every week. Honestly, if she has dialogue I'm fine if she doesn't speak

it's just your version of her that I can't stand if she's Belinda she'll have no dialogue to be fair another theory urine vision what?

urine vision not a name he also thinks Bella's replaced Belinda but he thinks Rocky's going to jump five years into the future oh

which will bring us to when 1975 who fucking knows? The height of Watergate. So, 2017. He says the Duchess is dead and Tony has taken over the company. Which isn't... Tony owns the company, doesn't he?

He's MD. He's from Sir James Godwin. Sir James Godwin owns it. Oh, yeah, you're right. Which isn't crazy, to be fair, that he could one day. There was an interesting one from Wombat Joe that I saw. Oh, Wombat Joe's always got something great to say. He said that Belinda's blatantly in limbo

and the devil and an angel try to turn Belinda to their side, but she fucks them both and gets superpowers. I mean, someone needs to talk to Rocky because... That's a more trad story than I feel Rocky would write. It's a fable. Patrick says, condolences to dad wrote a porno. Happily, 20,000 women

have free tin woks to remember Belinda Byrne. Absolutely. Pots and pans tarnished slower than memory. Oh, that's such a, that's poetry,

isn't it? Isn't it? That's gorgeous. Thank you. What happens though, if this is another Rocky moment where next chapter it's like,

Belinda was pelting it down the A52 and we'll be like, sorry. Or just back in Steel's office and she just never mentions it ever again. Not even a plaster on her forehead. Oh yeah, I think that's entirely possible. I think this will all be a bad dream.

Kirsten rushed to the shops and bought frozen chicken Kievs to commemorate Belinda's last dinner. Oh, I hope she ate them frozen. But that was her last supper. Her last meal was frozen chicken Kievs and trifles. And love eggs on the side. We thought that she'd die from that. We thought that that was going to be her ending. Yeah, exactly.

There is an irony, isn't there, that, you know, because we have a lot of people getting in touch about this podcast, that the show has made them almost crash their cars and Belinda may have died by crashing her own car. I know. It's an interesting kind of parallel to the real world there. Listening to the show is a constant danger for people. People on their food yeah they fall off treadmills at the gym and also like you know it isn't unheard of in literature or you know in storytelling

for a writer to kill off a main protagonist really early like remember scream when drew barrymore was the star and she died in the first scene yeah it is like a thing that people do do so maybe dad's just trying to mix things up. And people say it's quite brave to do that as well. And people have always described Rocky's writing as brave. And us too, being brave to read it. Deep Blue Sea, The Shark Eats Samuel L. Jackson very early on. And he's, you know, always playing the lead.

Guys, is this just like a spoilers footnotes? Why are we just like wrecking loads of films that came out ages ago? Children of Men, Julianne Moore. Mate, we could go on. Lion King, Mufasa. Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis. Dead the whole time. The whole time.

The whole time. The whole time. Like, there's so many tweets here. I know. But one of the bigger things that people have been tweeting about is fricking Chiara Montague. Oh, yeah. What has that overshadowed the potential near-death of Belinda? People will not shut up about it.

We've, apparently, we've pronounced Chiara wrong. So I talked to my dad about this, and he assured me that he's always heard Chiara. So... Hard ch sound, because people want us to say Kiara. Is that right? Yeah, because that's how I think it is pronounced properly. But this is Rocky's world.

And dad made a good point. He said, you can pronounce your name any way you want. Look at Hyacinth Bucket. Just look at her. For foreign listeners, another contemporary reference from Jamie about a sitcom that was on in the early 90s about a posh lady called Hyacinth Bouquet. But it was spelt Bucket, but she insisted that it was actually pronounced Bouquet.

And also, Alice, that's James's favourite TV show, so don't mock it. I still watch Keeping Up appearances to this day. You do not. He does. It's my friends. I can quote it. The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking. Is that where you get I'm a lady from?

Okay, moving on. Yeah, so it is Chiara, but Dad wants to say Chiara. And also, I know where he got it from as well, which is another 90s reference, but it's in a Victoria Wood sketch and somewhere it's called Chiara. So that's where he got it from as well which is another 90s reference but it's in a Victoria Wood sketch and someone's called Chiara so that's where he got it from so it is definitely ch but you know feel free to keep tweeting us corrections no please don't we've had so many emails with the subject line Chiara and the number of tweets oh it's driving me mad you did ask though

you did say on the podcast if you know a Chiara get in touch but no one's got in touch saying they know a chiara everyone's just absolutely furious that we've said it that way but then i kind of like it because you check the emails and it really doesn't affect me very much anyway i think giovanna sums up the clit hanger situation perfectly she says what a twist hashtag pray for belinda she lived her life like rocky wrote these novels quick careless and without second thought so true what beautiful words and um on that note get her in the ground uh well you've got to tune in on Monday to find out what actually does happen to Belinda I can't wait this feels like an emergency summit that we've done with this footnotes where it's like we had to address all of the things that were on people's minds I mean we've not done a very good job of that

because we obviously don't know what's happened to her we'll feel if she's like we had to address all of the things that were on people's minds. I mean, we've not done a very good job of that because we obviously don't know what's happened to her. We'll feel, if she's dead, we will feel terrible for being so disrespectful. Yeah, but I have a sneaking suspicion she's going to pull through. Rocky knows what he's doing. He hasn't killed the golden goose. Do you not think?

No way. I'd love to see the state of that book four if he has. What a shit show. So see you next week for Porno Day. Bring a hanky. Might get emotional. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell.

But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back, with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Be honest.

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