My Dad Wrote A Porno - Footnotes: Your Sex Stories

Episode Date: November 21, 2019

After Belinda and Bella's bonkathon around Australia, Jamie, Alice and James read stories about the most unusual places YOU, our lovely listeners, have had sex... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It's footnote time. How are you both? Oh, glorious. Great. I've had my laptop stolen, but let's not talk about it. Oh, I know. I know, I know. It's fine.

It's such sad news. And that has some quite incriminating recordings on it. Oh my God, seriously. All of our outtakes. Do not open it. My favourite thing is that they left the bag. They saw the bag. They took the laptop they left the bag. They saw the bag. They took the laptop out of the bag.

They left the bag. You'd leave the bag, wouldn't you? No offence. So in this week's chapter, Belinda and Bella found themselves in Australia and they had sex in many, many weird and wonderful locations. A youth hostel, the beach. Where else? Well, everywhere but a bed, basically.

Basically. They had the giant bed, bed of course that they made from flat pack into a big 16 personer which we presume they had the orgy in but yeah they've gone

all over the shop yeah so we thought it'd be fun to ask you guys where are the weirdest and strangest places you've ever had sex and my god

you aren't shy yeah I put this out on Instagram thinking one or two responses probably thousands I'm not even joking I couldn't keep up it was ridiculous the amount people want to share I mean they all I put this out on Instagram thinking one or two responses. Probably thousands. I'm not even joking.

I couldn't keep up. It was ridiculous. The amount people want to share. I mean, they all want to be anonymous. So let's keep everyone's dignity. We won't mention any names. Jesus Christ. Right.

Who wants to start off? It's just voyeuristic, basically, isn't it? We've hooked it on the theme of being inspired by this week's episode. But honestly, I kind of just like to read them. We're just all rubbing our legs and gurning. The thing that struck me most was how many people have had sex in McDonald's. Oh it's hard to even use the loo if you're not a patron. Other fast food chains are available for sex. I'm presuming the toilet or do you just mean by the sources? Well here's one used to work in McDonald's and had sex on the children's party table. It was not while there was a party going on. God you'd remember your fifth birthday, wouldn't you?

Do you remember those birthdays in McDonald's? Why did we do that? Yeah, I had one of those. Is it because it was cheap? It was easy, wasn't it? And Ronald McDonald was there. I think I had the Hamburglar at mine. Do you remember the Hamburglar?

Yeah, he was very strange. Wait a sec, where was he when your laptop went missing? Another McDonald's worker. I used to work at a McDonald's restaurant and have had sex in the storage area in the roof. The freezer. In the roof? What are they, a lomengio pigeon?

And the walking refrigerator. Chilly, but the thrill of getting caught added to the excitement. Don't shag where you eat. That's what I say. Some of them only require the headline. And for me, this is a winner. Literally outside by the dumpster with a stranger on St. Patrick's Day. I don't even need any more information.

And it signed off. Obviously, I'm a bella. This one's quite good. One time I got very, very drunk. And a guy that I met in a club asked if I wanted to go back to his place. But he'd lost his keys. So they ended up climbing through a window. And they began their sexual encounter.

And he thought, that's a bit of a strange chair to have in your house but didn't think anything of it and later on he sobered up and then he realized that he'd actually climbed through the window of a church hall and the chair was a church plinth oh my god what and they had sex in the church hall yeah good lord that's obviously not appropriate but but kind of cool. Yeah. God did not nod. What about this one? Weirdest place I've had sex,

in a goat shed. I was bent over and a goat nibbled my pomegranate nipple. But then a group of school children came to visit the goats and my nipple was bleeding and I had to pretend

I wasn't in agony. There's a lot there. Let's unpack. So she was in a goat, well, even as a goat shed, and she got actually nibbled by a real life animal whilst having sex. I think she was having sex with a human and in a goat, well, even as a goat shed, and she got actually nibbled by a real life animal whilst having sex. I think she was having sex

with a human, and then a goat came up, nibbled her nipple when she was concentrating on other things. I mean, I don't know how you wouldn't see a goat coming up and approaching you like that. You'd shoo it before it got to the nipple. You would think. Although in that kind of moment, your attention might wander. Yeah, and then apparently a boatload of school kids rocked up.

What is a woman doing with her life why is everyone doing it at work I'm not sure she was working in the goat shed James but why are there school children there yeah it kind of asks more questions

than it answers doesn't it really it does I have a kind of a similar one except not really someone was having sex with their boyfriend

and decided to experiment with outdoor sex and they were walking through Hampton Court Palace and they started to have sex in a bush. And she had no top on and just hoiked up a skirt. No top on?

Yes, she was topless, but had like a skirt on. Very Belinda. And she says, I was in full throttle, on top, shaking my body, before we knew it, a young kid was watching us after his football got kicked into the bush. Now, is that a baby goat or is that a child? Why are there goats everywhere in these stories? And they had to say they were practising an old traditional dance

that Henry VIII did to court his six wives. I mean, that is thinking on your feet. Yeah. Or on your knees. And maybe he well did. I mean, I is thinking on your feet. Yeah. I mean, maybe. Or on your knees. Or quite. And maybe he well did. I mean, I'm sure he did do

that traditional dance many times. Although, wouldn't you just shoo the kid away rather than being like, watch this beautiful presentation. Don't go.

This person's interesting. She says, my husband and I had sex in my parents' closet once. They came home and we were right in the middle of it in their bed.

So they ran into the closet and decided just to finish up. Oh my God. That's disgusting. Horrible, right? Someone had sex in a cinema disabled toilet, snuck out during Mean Girls as it was a bloody awful film. I don't know what I'm more offended about there. Honestly, Mean Girls is a terrible film.

Pay attention and you'll learn something in it. It's meme-tastic for a reason. Got one here. My boyfriend and I had sex backstage at a Cirque du Soleil cast party behind the restroom trailer. I couldn't even enjoy it because I was certain I was going to get fired. Why is everybody having sex at work? You're obsessed with the work.

Cirque du Soleil, though, that would be very bendy. Very bendy. Oh, my goodness. How flexible. Elastic men and women. It Cirque du Soleil, though. That'll be very bendy. Very bendy. Oh, my goodness. How flexible. Elastic men and women. It's inhuman, isn't it, how much they can bend? Please keep this anonymous. And this one is from Mandy.

On a couch on the side of a mountain. The couch had been there for quite some time. That is rancid. Making me feel so beige. A juicy sofa. Because you can imagine it'd be spongy and full of, like, stuff, wouldn't it? Yeah, what's been in it? What's been on it? Clean it.

This is mad, because we've been to some landmarks and a half together. And very busy places if you go to a major city and you climb a tower. I've kind of had sex at the top of the CN Tower in Toronto. The girl I was with at the time and I decided to take a remote control vibrator with us to add a saucy twist to our sightseeing. They've taken props. Remote control. We entered the base of the tower with everything in place

and having given the vibrator a few test runs before we arrived. However, we were both somewhat concerned to see we would have to go through an airport-style security check, including body scanners. Worried that it might lead to awkward questions about the device she was concealing and the trigger for it in my pocket fortunately we passed through security with no alarms being set off hopefully the story has not now compromised the entire security like the cosmo macaroon fan club mailing list and ended up having a very enjoyable visit to the famous landmark we even managed to get some innocent looking tourist photos taken while she was having to conceal the fact the vibrator was on full power.

What? Wowzers. But to be fair, even if they saw that insecurity, why would they take that off you? You can have a vibrator in the CN Tower, can't you? What world do we live in if you can't take a vibrator up the CN Tower? It's a world I don't want to live in, Alice. Someone says a pedalo in Corfu that my boyfriend's parents had paid for.

Pedalo! I love that it matters who paid for it. It says in brackets, they weren't on board. Thanks for clarifying. But who was pedaling? One of them, I guess. What, at the same time? Well, they sailed round the cliffs out of sight of the beach

and they made it back in time for the 60-minute limit. So everybody wins. Well, it's always too long, isn't it, 60 minutes on a pedalo? So you're going to have to spend some time doing something else because you don't need, I'd say 35 minutes max. And then you're just waiting to take it back. Do you remember we were all on a, was it a pedalo? It was a rowboat.

Yeah, in Central Park in New York. Really fun for like 10 minutes. And we were like, what do we do now? Just kind of. Well, then we just made you row us around. I didn't say I did most of the rowing, didn't I? God, it must have been so boring. This person's very adventurous.

She just kind of lists where she's had sex. God. The airport. At the gate, under some coats. No! Under some coats! Whose coats? Not even theirs!

In a cemetery. Oh, man. That's kind of dark. In a library. It has to be very quiet. Yeah, it would have to be quite unsatisfying sex, that, wouldn't it? Yeah, just shh.

And then one time in a car in a parking garage where I was beeping the horn with my ass. Oh. Can you even imagine? He or she is, I mean, very Belinda, very Belinda. This one's quite exotic. We had sex camped on an unrestored part of the Great Wall of China. It was way too humid to have sex.

It was like being in a greenhouse. And this person says, but I got wanked off. Shrug emoji. Oh, okay. Someone here is saying, I actually lost my virginity in a secret room behind a bookcase. What? Wow. The house itself was a historic...

I mean, this feels like a fucking story. Like a priest's tale. Wait, is this the Duchess's house? I think it might be. The house itself was a historic mansion. Someone was playing Beethoven's Fifth in the other wing of the house. Shut up.

I spent the entire time trying not to laugh. My partner didn't seem to notice the music. I still can't hear it without bursting into a fit of giggles to this day. I call bullshit. But also, thank you for your story. Yeah. This person did it in a sauna. It was turned on and they were fully clothed.

I once had sex in the toilet of Blackpool bus station and we broke the toilet. So if people visit to this very day, you can see that toilet. A family was waiting outside, having heard it all. Oh, my God. Against a wall between a church and an undertaker's. During her sister's engagement party. I like that they're next door to each other. Yeah, so efficient.

What is it with people and walls? I've been bent over Hadrian's wall. Me and my boyfriend were out on a lovely walk and no one was around. So one thing led to another. What do you mean? Not one thing led to another. So you you mean? Not one thing led to another. So you went for a lovely pub lunch. That's what happens.

And we recreated the Henry VIII dance. Here's one. Not me getting laid, but I once walked back to my bed in an 18-bed hostel dorm. Thought this was very appropriate. Oh, yes. To find a couple going at it on my bed. Oh, come on now. Thinking I could make it funny, I just perched on the end of the bed

and stared at them which didn't seem to deter them. I then tried clapping which only encouraged it. Isn't that how you shoo away a raccoon? Not stop people

having sex on your hostel bed? I slept on the floor then one of them truncally pissed themselves which got in my hair when it seeped through the sheets.

What a beautiful holiday. Five stars on TripAdvisor. Oh my god, there's more goats. Someone's having sex in a national holiday. Five stars on TripAdvisor. Oh my God, there's more goats. Someone was actually at a national park. And it was getting hot and heavy.

And then they heard some weird noises, like a low-pitched scream. And then they turned around and there was a herd of goats staring and bleating at them. Is this something we don't know about?

Have you heard a goat Scream though? No I don't think I have It's a really high pitched Like quite human scream Yeah It's hilarious Yeah they kind of cut it Into videos of people like

Ariana Grande singing Yeah it's a good It's a high pitch Can you give me a little Little blast of goat? That's not even I've not even done it justice Oh that is quite good

Do that again That is literally What it sounds like Is it really? So imagine like a pack of those As you're going at it. You'd feel like there was competition. Someone had sex in a smart car.

They're very small. There's not a lot of room. That's the weirdest one we've had yet. I could better get in that on my own. The weirdest place I've ever had sex was in a dog run. I used to work at a veterinary clinic and my boyfriend would go with me on the weekends to take care of the boarding animals

and we used to lay down blankets and fall around while the dogs ran around outside so strange to be having sex in a room that smells of wet dog urine oh my god that's not nice Jamie I'm worried this one's from you on a set, on stage, in a theatre I didn't know it at the time

but the guy was technically living at the theatre oh my god and sleeping on set for free in exchange for work it's literally a kiss and tell on you I didn't know it at the time, but the guy was technically living at the theatre. Oh, my God! And sleeping on set for free in exchange for work. It's literally a kiss and tell on you. It's you! What have you been doing? Theatres are fun.

Like, backstage, I can imagine that being quite a fun place to have sex. But, no, on stage. Oh, fuck. Out of hours, though, not during a panto. Very avant-garde. Jamie, is that why you got all your ideas for your little plays? All your little conquests? What about this one?

This is old school. Videos games aisle or the blockbuster we both worked at? Oh, retro! The video game aisle. But they were very exposed blockbusters. There was no cover. No. But often dead.

Like often nobody in there. Yeah, very empty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'm getting though from a lot of these is people aren't really bothering to hide like they're just kind of that's kind of part of the kink isn't it doing outside and the danger of being caught right i just don't get that though because you know sometimes when people are against the clock that can affect performance yeah i think thinking that somebody's going to burst in surely that's going to have an impact but... Obviously not.

Obviously not. Once had a blowjob in the back of my dad's car whilst he was driving. That's awful. That makes me want to cry.

Pretty sure he hadn't a clue. Pretty sure. Someone was sat next to someone on a flight and they both jerked off together. On a flight?

Wait, they were like turned on by the other person? They didn't go to like a toilet or anything. That's mad. Yeah. Wait, with those

airline blankets because I think they're grim. I know they put them in plastic but where have they come from? Yeah. Why are they being recycled? It's strange. And also,

hate the use of plastic. Come on, guys. I've got a good one here. We can all relate to this. Train toilet whilst drunk. Can we now? Well, wait. Which may not sound original,

but here's the aditrauma. It was one of those big cubicles with the automatic door that opens really slowly. I have such anxiety about those. So when a young girl

and her mates came on and pressed the button, all either of us could do was stand there with our pants down looking really sad and sorry and repeatedly jabbing the door close button.

Then had to hide in there until the end of the line. They were just hiding in the toilet when everyone else got off because of the shame. But I've been to the toilet just to do normal toilet things, not to have sex on those. And you do panic that they're just going to open in a second.

But they do. I swear they don't lock. And also, why do they talk to you now? Do you have that? I'm trying to get sexy and like turned on. Hello, I'm a toilet. Oh, yes. Please be kind to me. Is that what it says? Yeah, they literally talk to you now. Do you have that? I'm trying to get sexy and like turned on. Hello, I'm a toilet. Oh, yes. Please be kind to me. Is that what it says? Yeah, they literally talk to you now. It's the weirdest thing. I actually can't think of anything unsexier than a British

train toilet anyway. They're so repulsive. I did once open a door on an old lady in the toilet. In the toilet? Yeah. What do you mean in? She fell in. No, she was on the toilet. Oh, on the toilet. Sorry. Semantics. She was on the toilet. Sorry, I'm sorry. Semantics. She was on the toilet. James, this whole show is semantics. What do you mean? Why did you do that? I didn't, not on purpose.

She just hadn't locked it properly. And I was like, I'm sorry. And she kind of made a whimper noise. I was like, oh God. Well, at least it was me. What's that supposed to mean? Well, I'm a good person. So I just closed the door again and went on my merry way.

And I never spoke of it again until this podcast. I'm sure she'll be very pleased to be on her footnotes. Shout out to Maggie. This one, I feel like you two will like one specific detail of. Because there seems to be a lot of these stories, which is just having sex outside, which I get, I get. Went for a walk along some cliffs near the sea and proceeded to have sexy times with my man

in a secluded bit next to the sea. And a curious seal stayed to watch the show. Seal the artist? Kiss from a rose seal? I don't know why he was there, but it's his prerogative to have a little peek. This was pre-Heidi Klum. Okay, so there seems to be themes building at work, outside, in the car. This takes a turn that I didn't expect. Setting, friend's cottage on the dining table.

Think rustic Canadian. My then boyfriend and I bought new anal beads. More like balls though. Think tennis ball size. And then he was, well, pulling them out of me. The silicon connector broke off and I was left with one tennis size. Tennis size?

One tennis size solid glass ball in my ass so I had to go into the outhouse not a washroom again think rustic and literally fish the ball out with my hand

with a lot of dedication and lube I was successful in retrieving the lost ball the end says somebody like it's a beautiful story

oh my god these stories just make me think Belinda Blink not that raucous yeah actually people get way kinkier stuff. I feel so beige.

Oh, they were so good. Thank you so much. And also, can I just say on a serious note, thank you so much for actually trusting us with all these stories. It's kind of amazing that you did that. Yeah, we've posted them publicly on Reddit where they're all available. No, thank you for sending them in. They're hilarious.

And there's loads more. So I'm just going to carry on reading them. Yeah, definitely. I'm also thrilled that all the blinkers are getting some. Yeah, totally. Well, our listeners are a sexy bunch, Alice. You can't reign them in. Be honest.

When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business.