My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 4

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Belinda spends Xmas with Bella's family and gets to know one member particularly well... Come see us on tour on our 2020 World Tour. Tickets available at mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas one and all. It's the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas Special. Alice, James, happy Christmas. Thank you. And to you. Happy holidays.

This is the time that makes me feel like Christmas now. It's become such a tradition to do this. I haven't really felt Christmassy until we got together to chat porn. This is the time that makes me feel like Christmas now. It's become such a tradition to do this. I haven't really felt Christmassy until we got together to chat porn. This is our fourth Christmas special. Our fourth year celebrating the festive period with pornography. And what's lovely, Alice, is you've come dressed as one of the robbers from Home Alone. Are you Marv or are you Joe Pesci? I like to think I'm Marv, right?

Yeah, I think you're a bit more. Well, you've got the bobble hat on, so I think you're a bit more Marv. And my hair looks like it's attached to the hat. And you look like you've been hit with an iron in the face. Yes, thank you. And what have you come as? Someone unwell? Why do you look so peaky?

I think it's the skin colour top I'm wearing. It's kind of melting into what he looks like. He looks like he's in the nude. Oh, it's because you went to your Christmas party last night, didn't you? Work Christmas party. Oh, did you? How was it?

Yeah, fine. Any gossip? Well, no, but just everyone gets a bit over-friendly at those things. Like, you start hugging, like, people in the tax office. I've never spoken to you before. I went to mine last night as well. How was yours? Kind of similar.

Like, everybody being quite sort of sentimental. I don't know if it's because of the booze or the time of year. You're about to get fired, that's why I think. Do you think that's what it is? Not running the contract? You're numbered. Well, somebody was like, can I just just say I really like Alice 2.0 what does that mean

what's Alice 2.0 I don't know but she needs a reboot already software update I've got a surprise for you both oh to get us in the mood

before we read the chapter I thought we could do something a bit festive oh okay I'll just get them out oh crackers oh that's a nice touch not just crackers

kinky crackers oh very good so the tagline is the most fun you can have with 12 inches lovely Oh, crackers. Oh, that's a nice touch. Not just crackers, kinky crackers. Ew. Very good. So the tagline is, the most fun you can have with 12 inches. Lovely. Nice touch. There's a blurb on the back. May I read it?

Oh, indulge, yeah. This box provides the perfect complement to a date with your desired one. Simply tear open and reveal a tantalising treat to spice up your night. That's famously not how you use a cracker. Tear it open. I think it's referencing the how you use a cracker. Tear it open. I think it's referencing the box, not the cracker. So let's get them open. Who's going to pull who?

Well, I've got three, so should we do a three-way... A threesome. You've got to cross your arms. Everything's going to get knocked over. Three, two, one. Oh, Jesus Christ. James got neither. There's always one that gets neither.

Okay. What have we got? James, do you want one? Here you go. Oh. Oh. Okay, so there's... Do you reckon they're all the same?

I don't know. There's a little satchel of treats. I've got... I've got a condom. Yeah, me too. Mine's passion fruit flavoured. I've got one of these. Is it charged?

What is that? A vibrator, isn't it? That's a vibrator. How'd they fit that in a cracker? Oh, Alice, snap. And mine's bright pink. Mine's bright red. It looks a bit like a pen.

Let me just see what kind of batteries it takes. Just out of interest. Does it work? Oh my God. I'm ready to go. How vibrate-y is it? Can I have a feel? It's very vibrate-y.

Jesus Christ. Is that how fast they are? Why did you put it on your nose? Just because I heard somewhere that that's how you feel how fast a vibrator is. Have you never experienced a vibrator? No. And then lube. Oh yeah, what flavours are you coming off?

Mine's a little vial of lube. It looks like something you get in places. Oh my God. It's like a little test tube what on earth is this oh I know what that is

it's a cock ring too quick yeah so you put it just around the I think it's around the base of your what's this bit

it's like a little bullet bit I think that's for the lady I think it's a boy and girl toy yeah there you go this vibrates as well. Why does everything

vibrate? Why has James never seen a sex toy? My condom's warming. That's nice for the winter season. Man's taste. Mine's, I think, chocolate, strawberry, blueberry and mint flavour, which sort of grosses me out. All in one? It's a fruit cocktail. Nipple tassels.

Hey! They've got like sticky backs I'm going to put them on Oh please put them on James One Two Beautiful I'm going to wear these for the whole chapter

I kind of want to put them on Okay Al do you want them? Yeah You can take them home Are you going to put them on your actual nipples? Yes I am Oh my god

On your actual nipples? Well don't look One sec Oh suddenly the boys Wish it was a video podcast Are you actually going to do it? Yeah I can't believe this is happening

She's literally naked in the room Oh Can we get a picture out? No you cannot get a picture But people will want it For Instagram Oh my I can't get a picture. But people will want it for Instagram. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Alice 2.0. She just shook those cans. Are you drunk? Oh, they're so sticky. Oh, oh. I've never seen anything like it. What do Oh, I've never seen anything like it. But you can see everything like it.

The scenes. Oh, Alice, what a good sport. So that picture's going to go up on Instagram, what, tomorrow? Yeah. View our Instagram story for exclusive behind-the-scenes content. Wow. Merry bloody Christmas. Right, shall we read some porn?

I just can't believe you saw Alice in nipple tassels. That is an image I can't get out of my head. Can you not unsee it it I feel like it's going to be seared into my memory you know when you close your eyes when you've looked at a light

and all you can see is the light I feel like every time I close my eyes now that's all I'm going to be able to see thank you for thinking of them as light bulbs

I was going to say you look great many thanks congratulations you've been working out okay not that you looked bad before

nice muscly boobs that was all a ruse to show us you're new. My 2.0. Your 2.0 bod. Oh, is that all it meant? I've stopped eating as much custard. Right, okay, so Belinda's Blinking Xmas. That's the chapter title.

Does exactly what it says on the tin. That's what I like. I don't like any of this figurative, like metaphorical stuff. Yeah, Belinda, Christmas, done. And she'll probably be blinking. So, Belinda, Christmas, done. And she'll probably be blinking. So, Belinda's blinking X-mas. A snowflake tweedled its way down to Earth

and landed on Belinda's nostril. Snowflakes aren't from space. He does know that, doesn't he? And they rarely tweedle. What is tweedle? Not a thing. And it landed on Belinda's nostril as she spoke.

So the nostril is the hole, lest we forget. So she's looking up, directly up. Into the snow. So it kind of went internal. Okay. Listen, Bella.

My parents are off to Germany to see my mum's family. And I'm staying in London for Xmas. German family? I guess Blumenthal, quite German sounding. Well, I don't want to ruin this chapter by talking about the other books, but German family. Bish is German. Oh, yes, family. Oh, Rocky.

Clever boy. Clever boy. Just a little Easter eggs for everyone there. Easter eggs at Christmas. How're a clever boy. Just a little Easter eggs for everyone there. Easter eggs at Christmas. How interesting. Very rocky. My parents are off to Germany to see mum's family and I'm staying in London for Xmas.

How about we have Xmas at my penthouse? It really is Xmas-y by St Paul's. Stop saying Xmas. Oh, Belinda! You do live such a mysterious life. But, you know, I'm going home to East London. Why don't you be invited to my parents' place and we'll have a turkey stuffed holiday with all the trimmings.

Why don't you be invited to my parents' place? Interesting English, Bella. Why don't you be invited? I mean, it's Bella. I don't know what to tell you. That Christmas Eve, Belinda swerved her jag into the address. So we're going to Bella's for Christmas. Fuck

me. And she's just crashed into their front garden. So she just swerved her jag into the address. But she couldn't view the house. Why? Suddenly she saw Bella's big red jag parked in an old boozer's car park. So not suddenly then, because it's parked.

Bella's got a Jag? Yeah. Like a work car? I'm guessing a travel book. I just can't see Bella driving a Jag. I can't see Bella driving. That's true. I'll just pass a test.

It sounds like Belinda can't drive either. What is wrong with everyone? That's a test. It sounds like Belinda can't drive either. What is wrong with everyone? So suddenly she saw Bella's bright red Jag parked in an old boozer's car park. The pub itself looked almost decadent in the drab surroundings, with twinkling X-mas lights and a snowman dressed in red clothing climbing up over the barbed wire fence protecting the beer garden.

I have seen those, though, that decoration. You know where it looks like Santa climbing? Not usually over barbed wire. It's conceptually confusing though, isn't it? Because it's a snowman dressed as Santa. They kind of clash two concepts there. Also the barbed wire fence. What a lovely part of the world this is.

But I love the owners were like, how are we going to decorate the fence? Get one of those snowmen dressed as Santa and it can look like it's trying to escape. Yeah. Blimey, Belinda thought. She's nipped in for a quick one. I'll go and join her.

Or there's no parking on the street and she just parks in the car park of the pub because parking in London is notoriously difficult. The boozer was dark but warm inside. Atmospheric, if you like not being able to see what was floating in your pint of bitter. I do. Or a glass of shards, she thought. He's gone very cash for this one, hasn't he?

Shards. If this place even did shards. I'm sure it has shards in there, dear. I'm sure it's got shards at Xmas. Come on. Can I get you anything love? The 68 and a half year old barman

with a chest size to match asked 68 and a half what? Chest? That's quite large. That's huge isn't it? Inches or centimetres?

Well 68 and a half years old Sure. And then 68 and a half What? Yeah. What unit? What do you measure chests in i think i'm

about 42 chests so what 68 half of you again oh my god so can i get you anything love wow a startled belinda replied um yeah you walk into a pub and someone asks you for your order Oh, me Wow Yeah I'm looking for my friend Bella He really does lift it off the page, doesn't he? He started looking around the room as if he was really there It's lovely

I'm looking for my friend Bella Bella Ridley As if they're going to know her name They're going to know Bella Oh yeah good point Ah that'll be my daughter then Mr Ridley

The talented Mr Ridley You must be her guest Melinda What are dads like At that He shouted up some stairs Bella it's your saucy pots and pans mate

she's here did Belinda not correct him no it's not Melinda it's very unlike Belinda actually just to let someone call her Melinda yeah she'd usually be like er

I sell X amount of pots and pans a year thank you very much you should know my name at that moment a very excited lady rushed in from the kitchen where she was making 200 pigs in blankets for the evening's Monopoly competition. I'm sorry, what?

I'd love a ticket to the Ridley Family Pub Christmas celebration. Quite good, huh? What are the pigs in blankets for? Are they part of the game or just to eat while you're playing Monopoly? Well, I'd imagine it's just finger food. They're not using them as, like, pieces. Would you like the boot or the pig in blanket? Oh Are they part of the game or just to eat while you're playing Monopoly? Well, I'd imagine it's just finger food. They're not using them as like pieces. Would you like the boot or the pig in blanket? Oh my God, someone told me once.

Literally last night at the work Christmas party. Someone told me once. It was a cold day in 1982. They said it was Christmas and they were eating sausages out of a bowl. Like loads of like honeyed sausages. They'd made loads of them. 200. And she was just

absentmindedly eating them and then she got really ill and like had like digestive problems for ages because she ate so many sausages but what do you mean

she was so absentminded she ate like hundreds hundreds it must have been hundreds but she was like but I still love sausages still eat sausages to this day

still eat them but how many must she have eaten to have digestive issues? I know. And for how long do these digestive issues go on for? Oh, weeks. The rest of her life? No, no, for ages, though.

But, like, in one evening, you know. What? Sorry. Be careful out there, guys, over Christmas when you're eating pigs in blankets. What do you think the upper limit is for a mini sausage? I mean, I wouldn't have more than ten in a sitting. I mean, what's in a sausage? I mean, it's just full of shit, isn't it?

You don't know what the fuck's in it. I love sausages. Yeah, me too, but... But mini sausages, you don't usually get good quality mini sausages, do you? You're not getting those from a butcher. Yeah, yeah. Where do they even make them from?

Are they just from the offcuts of other sausages? The offcuts of other sausages? I don't think sausages have offcuts. Do you mean the bits of sausages that other people leave? How do you make sausages? When they say, you don't bits of sausages that other people leave how do you make sausages when they say you don't want to see how the sausage is made

I kind of do want to see how the sausage is made could someone just show me how the fucking sausage is made you know we'll have all the butchers on so at that moment a very excited lady

rushed in from the kitchen where she was making 200 pigs in blankets for the evening's Monopoly competition I have a comment yes it's Bella what making the sausages yeah from the kitchen where she was making 200 pigs in blankets for the evening's Monopoly competition. I have a comment. Yes.

It's Bella. What, making the sausages? Yeah. Well, because he's just called her name. A very excited lady's just run it in. But she was upstairs. So he thought. Oh.

You're wrong, Alice. Oh, for fuck's sake. I hate this book. Ah, Melinda. It's Belinda. Oh my God. It's Wella or Jella or whatever. She pretty much sang, Oh. Ah, Melinda. Merry my God, it's Weller or Jella or whatever. She pretty much sang, oh.

Ah, Melinda, Merry Christmas, darling. How are you auto-tuning your own voice? It's amazing. Thanks. Belinda smiled at the mother, Gloria. Gloria. Hi, how are you, Gloria? Belinda smiled at the mother.

Gloria. Wondering... Gloria Ridley. Gloria Ridley. My name is Gloria Ridley. Belinda smiled at the mother. At Gloria Ridley. Gloria Ridley. Wond smiled at the... At Gloria Ridley. At Gloria Ridley.

Wondering what sort of a Christmas Bella had gotten her into. What was the dad called? Oh, we don't know yet. Oh, God. I bet they've all got, like, Christmas names. Here's my sister Holly. And my dad, Rudolph. Uncle Frosty's arriving in five.

After a few drinks and socialising, Belinda concluded that Artie and... Oh, Artie. Who's Artie? The dad. The dad, Artie. Artie? Arthur Christmas.

Just saying. Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine but dull. If I'd heard... Before I knew Bella, and I knew her parents were called Artie and Gloria, I'd have thought she was from a very different stock and like she wasn't the character she is

but remember I've made her that character like on the page she could be completely different a different interpretation she could be really high end I've said it from the beginning do not be led by Jamie it's very misleading God can you imagine if we actually met Bella she's like the interpretation of me on the podcast is not entirely...

I find it laughable. Yes, I like a drink, but don't we all? And I've never drunk Chardonnay in my life. So after a few drinks and socialising, Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine but dull. Bella's sister Pamela was quite... Pamela! Bella's much older sister Pamela was quite mean. Pamela! Bella's a much older sister Pamela.

Pam! Pam! No one is called Pam under the age of 62. Yeah. Bella's sister Pamela was quite mean and not worth paper to describe. How convenient. Convenient to see this. We'll never see paper in its life. Very much an online book.

Pamela was quite mean and not worth paper to describe. And her brother was yet back from eczema shopping. Bella must have escaped to the circus, for all Belinda could understand. Oh, what, she doesn't recognise her as belonging to this clan? Which is interesting, because when you meet people's family, they either really confirm who they are, or you're like, where did you come from? Yeah. I'd like to think that I kind of make more sense once you know my family oh you really do um and james you'd be in the other the other camp for me

quite quite quite different from your family yeah yeah i'm the only one unmarried alone no children no dog no house no. Real black sheep. I think I'm literally the exact half and half of my mum and dad. Yeah, you are. Like, your mum, young, I've seen pictures of her, is the spit. I mean, she'll be deeply offended that you're not describing her as young anymore. But yeah, young girl, James. Young girl is the phrase we use.

Young girl. Yeah, absolutely. So she looked like Marv from Home Alone before Home Alone existed. She created that look. But then the door went a-knocking, as such wooden slabs of dividing materials tend to do at Christmas. Well, that's not passive, is it? It's being knocked on.

Yeah. And also, who knocks on the door of a pub? And who describes wooden slabs? I mean, the whole thing's ridiculous. Knocks on the door of a pub. And who describes wooden slabs? I mean, the whole thing's ridiculous. Knocks on the door of a pub. But then the door went a-knocking, as such wooden slabs of dividing materials tend to do at Christmas. And in bustled Aunty Bobby.

Aunty Bobby is who I want to be in five to ten years, and I don't even know who she is yet. And in bustled Aunty Bobby, Uncle Ariel, and their baby ariel auntie bobby what the hell has he run out of names bobby's with an eye like bobby brown like the cosmetics and ariel we presume like the little mermaid yes although a man but i think that is a male name isn't it isn't it hebrew yes it is actually very popular but I wouldn't necessarily expect Rocky to know that. So inbustled Auntie Bobby, Uncle Ariel

and their baby Rottweiler, Fizz Fudge. Fizz Fudge? Fizz Fudge. Lovely. Hi Auntie Bobby! Yo Uncle Ariel!

Go get that gorgeous Fizz Fudge! Bella Beamed. This is going to be such a long chapter. Bella Beamed. Is it Christmas Day yet? Suddenly Christmas alone doesn't seem so bad. Could she have a lie down?

Because she's like, do it Chardonnay. Because I don't know if I can take this. Chards, please. Chards. Good, good, good, gorgeous, this much. Bella beamed. But just as she was rubbing the dog's nose, he bit her hand. Rubbing the nose?

Don't rub the nose. I'd bite your hand if you rubbed my nose. Is the rest of this chapter going to be set in an A&E department while she goes to get a dog bite checked? I honestly don't know if I've got it in me for her to be very talkative. Finally, my sister, bro-in-law and pooch are here. Monopoly time. Sang Gloria.

Does Gloria only sing? She seems to sing a lot. To what melody, dare I ask? I'm trying to make sure that we're not in any copyright infringement situation. Well, that tick. Okay. You just invented some notes. Is Gloria, like, stuck in a musical or something?

What's going on with Gloria? Great for bonding, thought Belinda, as she chose the little doggie to play with. Famously not good for bonding, thought Belinda, as she chose the little doggie to play with. Famously not good for bonding, Monopoly is the surefire way to fall out with everyone at Christmas. Also takes forever. I can't remember the last time. Who's got the wherewithal to play Monopoly? Who's got the lifestyle that allows a full game of Monopoly? Yeah, if you've got time to play a Monopoly game from beginning to end, you're a waste of space oh wow okay we're

probably gonna get sued by waddington's that make it but cool um so great for bonding she thought um as she chose the little doggy to play with so she's the dog fizz fudge or the dog from the box i think the dog from the box the little pooch festive times. She laughed as her crotchless knickers started to leak. She's wearing crotchless knickers to a friend's parents Christmas Eve do. Yeah. Sure. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner.

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new policy online in a matter of minutes zensurance mind your business and now he's written dot dot dot um and then there's blank. You're scrolling a lot. And we're going down to another page. Oh my God. Where he's written dot, dot, dot. Is this a cry for help? Does it mean SOS?

No, that's dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash, isn't it? So a passage of time, I think, is what he's trying to get at here. Because it says, three hours into the classic board game with no limits. Told you, it's so long. That's not even halfway. Three hours into the classic board game with no limits. Told you, it's so long. That's not even halfway. Three hours into the classic board game with no limits. People were bored, irritable and drunk.

Predicted. One, two, three. Oh, fuck. Bella cried as she moved her top hat to prison and her triple baileys to her gut. I just thought she couldn't count to four i thought that was what the problem one two three oh no what's next triple baileys you'll have that same digestive issue as with all those bloody mini sausages that's not good is it i can't with that

kind of like creamed based liqueur no i know i just think it's must curdle inside oh don't do they have it in other countries because i feel like other countries would feel weird about what is essentially a melted milkshake with really quite potent booze put in afterwards. Someone poured me one once, but I think they'd had it for a long time and it was all like curdled up. It came out lumpy. Sometimes people are like,

oh, sorry, I've forgotten to put it in the fridge. It's like, you definitely can't have it at room temperature. That's really grim. Yeah, it's basically a pint of milk. temperature that's really grim yeah it's basically a pint of milk six shots of ethanol in it shout out to this week's sponsor bailey so at least i pie for room and bald reasoned benny bella's brother benny benny ridley why are they like half italian american sort of like gangster family from a film? Half EastEnders, basically.

International listeners, a drama all about the East End. Drama. Soap. Soap opera, yeah. At least they pay for room and bolt, reasoned Benny, Bella's brother. This older Ridley peeked Belinda's lower left eyelash. Oh, here we go.

And she knew it was on. There was a shape in his trousers and a twinkle in his eye. A shape. A rectangle. It might have been his wallet. While Belinda drooled, Norm from next door. Oh, come on. These names are totally bonkers, but they're like pedestrian bonkers.

It's not like Mistress Sweet Juice. No. It's like Dwayne. Norm from next door was looking all kinds of goo-goo at Bella, even from behind his Rudolph mask. A full mask? Not even just the antlers? Well, that's petrifying.

Thanks, Norm. We won't be needing your assistance. Just staring at her from behind a mask. Bella blushed beneath her tinsel twisted bunches, licking the pastry top of a mince pie on a stick. Norm. Why have they put mince pie on a stick? There's nothing.

There's nothing in my house. There's nothing in your house. Mince pie on a stick. What is the point? It's quite hard to put a pie on a stick. She's just licking the top of the pastry top. Like a lollipop. Yeah.

It's got a stick. Bella must know Norm if he's the next door neighbour. So kind of creepy for him to be eyeballing her, no? No, the problem is she's so dense, she thinks it's actually Rudolph. She thinks it's a reindeer she'll take it oh my god norm i didn't know you were here for his reindeer playing not play with us it's like a good bella sure oh god so bella blushed beneath her tinsel twizzled bunches

licking the pastry top of a mince pie on a stick. Belinda threw her an eyebrow, but continued to move her little bitch around the board. That's accurate though, isn't it? Little dog. You can use it. You can use it. Transfixed by Belinda's tits, as buoyant as a couple of volleyballs floating in the

Dead Sea. A bit like yours, Alice. Don't think about mine. Benny, Bella's brother, was as hard as a snow-capped mountain underneath his fistful of Monopoly money. Under his fistful? So he's got his hand kind of covering his crotch. He's hard.

Oh, I've heard. As hard as the mountain range. As the Alps. He's as hard as the Alps. But he bought a hotel on Park Lane to distract his extended family from his own extension. Oh my God, that's so embarrassing. Having a massive Benny Boner while you're playing Monopoly with your family.

So what? He bought a hotel on Park Lane so they wouldn't notice his... Well, I guess they'd all be like, oh, look what he's just got. And then he can be like, aww. You fat, wet fiddle-bat. Bella bellowed as she skipped off to jail for the third time that Christmas.

Well, this is unfortunate. But isn't Benny's boner lifting the border? Just one side of it. Yeah, exactly. Why are all the hotels rolling off the table? Norm, the neighbour, had begun rubbing his stone stonewashed denim-look jeans in sexual desire. Norm is disgusting. Norm's a cool guy.

Norm opened his bum bag and got out. Stonewashed denim-look jeans. Anna Rudolph. Norm doesn't get out much, does he? Judy Garland had dissolved back to black and white, which meant only one thing in this pub. What does that mean? The film?

The Wizard of Oz? Oh. Oh, the end. So what, they were timing their game of Monopoly to the Wizard of Oz. Okay, time for bed or own. Artie Ridley blasted As Uncle Ariel forfeited all four rail stations

As the stragglers scoffed stale yule log In the holly-covered, a hundred-year-old Antique green-tiled entrance Belinda turned on Bella, demanding info So who's the geek in the antlers? She demanded Norm, crazy Norm So who's the geek in the antlers? She demanded. Norm. Crazy Norm.

So who's the geek in the antlers? She demanded. Oh, Norm. He ain't the Norm, Bella. Very good, very good. He ain't the Norm, Bella. He's a one. Know what I mean? I do, Belinda. He's lived next door since God was in nappies. I may pity him, but I fuck him every Christmas Eve.

It's a tradition. Even losers deserve a bonk in this day and age. This makes me so sad. I've just realised I've been playing with the cock ring the whole time you've been talking. On his hands, on his hands. It's just very spongy. So, even losers deserve a bonk in this day and age. You're right right best pal now what room is your bro stinking out oh he lives on property upstairs in the back why why do you think asked

bella as she sprayed chanel number six up her fluff number six Is that the one that didn't get approved? Up her fluff. Like within herself. It should really be, ask Bella as she sprayed channel number six up her fluff. Very good. No reason. Belinda sang as she swiped a bottle of Asti

from behind the cotton wool draped bar and slinked away above decks. As the pub melted into a house via the stairs. What? What is this mad Weasley house? Well, it's gone from being a business to a home, you know. But it's melt. No, but I guess...

They got subsidence. The decor kind of melts from, you know, I don't know, dark boards and... No, definitely not. Melt! As the pub melted into a house via the stairs, Belinda amused herself along the landing by judging Bella's baby pictures. Oh, I like doing that in people's houses.

You've been to my house, haven't you? Oh, my God. I mean, have we talked about them before? The Morton family pictures? I don't know if we have. Didn't Jamie used to have like your hair was like bright ginger when you were a kid

yeah yeah but you know when they get in all the formations you must have seen they all wear denim and then get into a pyramid we don't all wear denim you all wore denim

we did in our good clothes have you know and there's like a bedrock of like the older ones then another layer of some younger ones and like youngest on the top there's so many of us

and what these were professional shoots we did a couple of professional shoots but have you never seen them they're incredible have you seen the promotional pictures for friends you know how there's one where they're like all lying in a bed and one where they're like sat on a sofa around like fountain they're like they've done them all it's like season five of the flintstones not that one so um she was was judging Bella's baby pictures much like Alice Levine reaching the end

she creeped open the door crack in search of an ass crack it was an Xmas miracle Benny Bella's brother was

I love that he's called Benny Bella's brother every time it's very hard to say as well Benny Bella's brother was

undressing into his PJs and nightcap nightcap he wears a nightcap that's brother every time it's very hard to say as well benny bella's brother was undressing into his pjs and nightcap in nightcap he wears a night that's such a turn off what would you do if you went to sleep with somebody and they wore a nightcap or pajamas full stop i'm a bit like pajamas i mean i wear a big woolly jumper famously so yeah but do you wear like i imagine you wear like a shirt and trousers pajamas do you yeah. Do you? Yeah. Eye mask? Yeah, I do quite favour an eye mask, yeah.

I knew it. Nipple tassels? Only tonight. It was an X-mas miracle. Benny, Bella's brother, was undressing into his PJs and nightcap. As he bent down to remove his designer smalls, Belinda got a full-blown view of his starker's rump. Ooh.

Rump. Well, tickle me stink, Belinda delivered. Is that a command? Well, tickle me stink, Belinda. Tickle me stink, that's gross. Does that mean what I think it means? What? Well, why do you think it's gross

tickle me stink well tickle me pink is when you tickle someone until they go red oh I've never known what that means yeah me neither

tickle me until I'm like that has tickled me pink that has made me go red that has made me laugh and go red laugh right okay so tickle me stink that's made me laugh

and what shit myself or like fart well I think it's because he's got his bum out, but I don't know. Oh, I was hearing it as tickle my stink. Tickle my stink. Yeah. But she can see his stink, so why would

she be saying tickle me stink? We all just stopped saying stink. Tickle my stink. Well, tickle me stink. Belinda delivered to her thinking space and Belinda laughed. Sorry, what's her thinking space? Her head? Yeah.

Oh my God. Oi! He shouted as his face turned to the door. The hysterical Belinda was bent double and in quite the festive fettle. Oh, it has tickled a stink. It tickled a stink. As the male looked at the female, the female spoke through chuckles.

Oh, Benny Bella's brother. Why don't you get into the Xmas spirit and fondle my ass, hand me home and squirt in my eye? I love thick bread sauce over my moist breast. Oh, my God. Belinda. Well, that's Christmas dinner ruined. I'm so sorry if you're listening to this before during or after imagine if it's during no one has this on during do they

i love thick bread sauce over my moist breast thick bread sauce i'm sorry but i have a line and that was about four books ago but this is gross over her moist breast one breast oh like moist breast like turkey oh my god rocky she clinked the asti on her third finger ring and it jingled like a bell on santa's sleigh well that's quite nice benny bella brother, stared at her. Cock out. In truth, pussy was his pleasure. Best to be honest. Not gonna lie. I love pussy. I'm Benny, Bella's brother, and I love pussy.

In truth, pussy was his pleasure. And it was all he'd asked St. Nicholas for this year. It's my pleasure. He wrote a Christmas list just saying pussy on it. It's pussy. Dear Father Christmas, this year I'd's my pleasure. He wrote a Christmas list just saying pussy on it. Dear Father Christmas, this year I'd like pussy. Love Benny Bella's brother. Belinda slinked

inside the hovel and stripped amongst the posters of faded pop queens. What is his room about? What was not to be expected was the pastiness of the penis. Oh, okay. Um, ever sunbathe in the nut? Belinda asked, turning the phallus over with her long fake fingernail.

Turning it over? What do you mean? Not really wanting to handle it, is the sound of it. I don't think I've ever seen a tanned penis, though. No. I don't know that it would be safe to get it out in direct sunlight, but, like, burning it would be awful. Hor it out in direct sunlight, but burning it would be awful. Horrible.

The peeling. Have a sunbathe in the nud, Belinda asked, turning the phallus over with her long fake fingernail. Not at Christmas, Benny, Bella's brother, winked. So he's the brains of the family. Belinda smiled. Clearly the Milky Bar was on him. Why do I feel like all of that was to crowbar that in?

It honestly was. It still makes no sense. And also an ad campaign from about 50 years ago. The Milky Bar is on him. A little sick looking child dressed as a cowboy. So weird. All in all, a waste of everyone's's time i think it's fair to say his fat cock was so pale belinda could see every vein throbbing and popping its excitement big important ones small worm-like ones jesus arteries capillaries the works sounds

like a summer role you know those like don't because you know someone described me as that A summer roll What do you mean? Your whole body Somebody I was romantically involved with Said my arms are like summer rolls Because you can see all of the insides Oh god you can

You are very pale Al I guess the milky bars are on me Yeah they really are You're like Benny's dick. Don't say that. Benny Bella's brother, please. Sorry, Benny Bella's brother. That is a tongue twister.

Between my kebab legs and my summer all arms, I mean, I'm not really painting a very attractive picture. You're a meal for two. Start at the top, mains at the bottom. If you know what I mean. Big important ones, small worm-like ones, arteries, capillaries, the works. There aren't multiple arteries in there

is there an artery his dick was like an internet map route with hundreds of conflicting journeys sounds like he needs to go get it looked at doesn't sound well but she knew the direction she needed oh very good very good it doesn't sound well but it does sound well catered for in the blood department. Oh, yes. No wonder it was rock solid. Placing it between her upper and lower libs. Sorry. Libs.

Sorry. Placing it between her upper and lower lips. The weird thing is, I wouldn't have been surprised if it was libs. It could have meant anything. Placing it between her upper and lower lips, she enjoyed the suck off. I'm sure everyone did. The brother was keen and began to shove himself into Belinda from the most jolly of locations.

Oh, Father Christmas comes down the chimney and you're going to come up my cellar. Belinda blabbed. Come up my what? Cellar. Cellar. Cellar. Cold, empty cellar. Father Christmas comes down the chimney and you're going to come up my cellar.

Belinda blabbed. But versatility was Bella's bro's passion. And he moved his Christmas cracker into her front hole. Front hole. There's no metaphor there. It's just the front hole. He's checking out. The organisms were orgasming.

I hate the name called organisms. That sounds like bacteria. The organisms were orgasming. And within the next 48 seconds, Benny, Bella's brother, came pre-people. Came pre-people. Pre-people. Oh!

Pre-people. Pre-people. Pre-people. Pre-people. The looks around this table. Pre-people. I have no words. That's awful. Horrible. What was he thinking?

I've said sperm. What's the next stage of sperm? I feel like he's never said sperm, though. You could say sperm. It's always called, like like wallpaper paste or bread sauce yeah um as his salty sauce rushed up her oestrogen estuary oh my god stop it just stop it merry christmas everyone goodbye as his salty sauce rushed up her oestrogen estuary, the clock hands waved at the panting and sweating couple.

Midnight. Why are you waving? Hooey! Midnight. Grandmaster Time whispered from the face. So if they're waving, if it's waving, then it's going between midnight and not.

Yeah. One past two minutes to... Midnight. Hang on, what's happening here? Are they, like, conceiving a baby on the stroke of midnight? Why is Grandmaster Flash there? What did it say? Grandmaster Time.

Right, different one. Midnight. Grandmaster Time whispered from the face. I mean, a creepy talking clock. That's worse than Norm. Ooh, goody gum tits. It's Christmas Day. Aw, happy Christmas, everybody.

Oh, goody gum tits. This is nice. Goody gum tits. What the fuck? Cuddle me a while, Benny, Bella's brother begged. Benny, you thick, soppy so-and-so. Belinda wrapped the fleece bedspread over her perfect curves and glittered her trademark smile.

Never too early for turkey. Oh, she loves turkey. Oh, it's her time of year, isn't it? Yes. Of course. Benny, Bella's brother, blinked. Oh, come on. She's not giving him a cuddle?

No, there's no cuddle. She's just trotted off for a butter turkey and salt sandwich. She's not a cuddler, though, is she? She's not giving him a cuddle No there's no cuddle She's just trotted off for a butter turkey and salt sandwich She's not a cuddler though is she We don't know of much embracing No it's kind of usually a shag and go An in and out And that was a total of 48 seconds So everyone's had a great time

So Benny Bella's brother blinked It was Christmas Yes Have a good one Sorry So Benny, Bella's brother blinked. It was Christmas. Yes. Have a good one. Sorry, was this whole thing basically an out of office? It was Christmas. Have a good one. Weirdest Christmas card ever.

That's the end of the chapter. Oh, good one. He was half a foot out the door, wasn't he? He had places to go. Because he mixed an email with a chapter. What the hell? That is basically, I will not be responding to anything

until the 5th of January. Goodbye. Kind regards, Rocky. Oh, well, there you go. Happy Christmas, everybody. Oh, I mean, most presents will seem wonderful and generous in comparison to that.

Oh, where does he cook it up from? Where does he get it from? Honestly. So, well, it was nice to meet all of Bella's family. Yeah, brief though it was. And I actually had thought before I didn't really, well, I didn't like Bella. No.

And it turns out I don't really like her family either. I thought she was an only child. But she carries on. Yes, there you go. That's Christmas. Should we take this opportunity to raise our glasses and thank Rocky for such a year in porn. Brilliant for a year in porn.

What a time to be alive. Cheers, everybody. So that's it for us for 2019. Yeah, much like Rocky, we're saying, have a good one. We're moseying off. But you will see us in 2020 if you come and see us live. Are we going on tour? We're going on tour, James.

We never mentioned it. I know. And we're really getting down to the last tickets now. Loads of venues have already sold out. So if you want to celebrate Belinda's 30th birthday, you've got to move fast. Do you know what? We're going to have to start releasing the two rows

that Rocky insists on having at every show. Make a lovely Christmas present, just a suggestion. Wouldn't it just, James? Not sure what to get someone? Get them porn. Absolutely. And also, if you haven't actually been to the shop yet and you're listening to this on the 22nd of December or something,

don't worry. Online, baby. Order online. Am I right? You don't worry. Online, baby. Order online. Am I right? You don't even have to go to the shop. If their list just says pussy, this will be their perfect present. Just go to mydadwroteatporno.com slash live to get all the dates and info on how to get your tickets.

Well, all that remains is to wish you all a very merry X-mas. Yes, indeed. Thanks for sticking with us in 2019. We love your support. And we're off now for our Baileys. Pint them out. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks,

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