My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 5 - Part Two

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

In the second half of Rocky's festive chapter 'It's a Blinkin' Life', Belinda continues to discover the consequences of life without her in it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. One, two, three. On the second day of Christmas, Rocky Flint's done gave to me A second Christmas special that nobody really needs. That was better in rehearsal. Great idea, Alice.

Oh, yes. So we're back. I thought I sounded perfect. Yes. Welcome to part two of the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas Special where we will be concluding It's a Blinkin' Life.

It goes without saying, if you haven't heard the first half, it's not essential to listen to that first because it's a load of shit. It would be depressing, though, if people chose not to listen this year, given they've got nothing else to do. That's like somebody saying, you know, at the moment we're doing a lot of, like, walk and talks or, like, exercising with each other outside. You know, and someone's like, oh, I can't.

It's like, but you can. So the idea that you're choosing. No, they're self-isolating, Alice. I got pinged by the app. Sorry, I can't see you. Is that your excuse? That's what I say, yeah. When I have to say goodbye to my mum on the phone now,

I'm like, okay, well, I've got to go. And she's like, no, you don't. Where are you going? The last time she went, you don't have to. You're choosing to. I was like, all right. You've got another Zoom to go to. Yeah, Zoom, so many Zooms.

So many Zooms. If I do another Zoom quiz. Are you still doing them? No, to be fair, the last time I did one was in lockdown one. I never did them. I missed that whole phenomenon. I would often lead them. Oh, thanks for inviting me to one.

I was going to say, I was never invited. The only one that I did was one with you two. Oh yeah, we did one as well, didn't we? Yeah, but that was a porno one You're running weekly quizzes that we're not invited to Not anymore you missed them sorry Who were these with? Just random different people

Not random So wait they were with random people and we still weren't invited So you were pulling people We presume off the big zoom directory to do them Yeah I was just finding odd links And just being like wanna play But the thing is when did anyone like. Yeah, I was just finding odd links and just being like, want to play? But the thing is, when did anyone like quizzes before? I used to love a pub quiz.

Yeah, me too. But that's the pub bit. You liked the pub bit. Yeah, exactly. I like having a drink with my friends, yeah. Mine got quite sophisticated. I started doing like PowerPoint presentations. You should have been there, guys. PowerPoint presentations. It was like a whole other world. My dad did a very accessible round, which was name the artwork, the gallery it hangs in and the artist

classic and he was like no you fools it's the louvre okay next google time um speaking of like lockdown e-covid life has anyone else been like having a bit of a clear out this year and just rethinking i have because you're just in the same four walls yeah i feel like at the beginning of all of this madness i got rid of a lot of stuff that now i'm like i did actually need that but i was just so bored of looking at it i needed my oven um so my mum like called me in the summer and she was like get she basically wants me out of her house completely she wants any memories out of the house she's changed yeah you used to be the absolute golden child oh that's long gone so she was like yeah there's loads of crap in the loft of yours come and clear it out i want i want it out but i found something that is so lol i thought i had to

share it with you oh right a bit of context do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago i talked that i did did drug abuse resistant education at school DARE oh yes yes didn't you like write a song or something I wrote a song a rap

I found the lyrics oh my god oh brilliant okay Merry Christmas everyone I found the lyrics let me get them out

oh wow it's typed it's simply called DARE song I'm just going to read it to you bit by bit maybe we can do

the same format as I don't know my dad wrote a porno where I read a bit you give me your thoughts are you going to do it to the rhythm I think you should do it as a performance piece I don't know my dad wrote a porno where i read a bit you give me your thoughts are you gonna do it to the rhythm i think you should do it as a performance piece i don't know what the rhythm was but i'll give it a try just go for it

oh sorry just just for context what was the um brief for the song there wasn't a brief no one asked me to do this but this is but this is about drugs this is about drugs at school nobody asked me to do this story james's life okay for 17 weeks we've been learning about drugs 17 weeks that classic period of time for 17 weeks we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the dare crew what an unusual rhythm this is it's not iambic pentameter is it drug abuse resistance education cannabis speed and the smoking population smoking population they had drug users now yeah no they did always say that was a gateway didn't they oh it's a gateway drug, of course.

Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug. So cannabis, speed and the smoking population do not know what's right, but do know what's wrong. And that is the reason we're rapping this song. You don't rap a song. James, there's no we're. It's you on your own. Who's the we're? Like I could rope any other fucking...

So do the curtains part and then the gospel choir come out? Yeah, exactly. I'll see you. We've come to tell you one and all, one little important thing. So that's the verse. And this is the chorus. Okay. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right.

It's a very confusing message. So wait 17 weeks and you still don't know. Dare cannot endorse this message, I'm afraid. Some people take them to sleep at night. So like, I think I meant like a night nurse or something like that. Oh, right. Why are you putting that caveat in? Why do you need to clarify that?

I don't know. Some people take them to cure their sickness. And some people take them for the heck of it. This is the chorus. The little fuckers. Sorry, we're just losing the rhythm. So, just read this chorus bit again, sorry. Because it's an anthem, so think big.

You're in a stadium. We should all join in. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. Some people take them to cure their sickness. And some people take them for the heck of it. We're rapping this song. It won't take long.

And it's already taken ages. It's taking far too long. It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like. But we have a question. Are drugs right or wrong? I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus. Well, no, they're also wrong and right, apparently. I think this is my favourite song in the world.

And then it just says, I just want you to know one little important thing, and then we go back to the chorus, that drugs are wrong and drugs are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. So I want you to know one little thing. Drugs are wrong, drugs are right. You aren't telling us anything.

Why are you still on the fence? And then it's chorus twice. Wow. It's powerful. It's powerful. It's like Stan, isn't it? By Eminem. It's one of those songs that's going to...

James, that was absolutely incredible. Thank you so much. Isn't it absolute nonsense? So can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that. Okay. 10. That is a work of a 10-year-old. I know what you're thinking.

That's a professional. He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa left when he wrote that. Just to really put it in context for you. Oh, my god all I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad I mean he was 10 Jamie probably nearly 70 60 10 yeah so from one great writer to another shall we pick up where we left off what an embarrassment of riches today you really are the true son of I have to to say, it's not me at all. So Belinda's in this hospital and Dr Studs just switched off Bella's machine boat.

So Bella's dead. Without telling anyone. Very callous manner. Yeah, just did it. Okay, ready? Okay. Belinda blinked. It's a blink in life part two.

and screamed hang on you had the chance to cut this I might have prematurely ended the chapter okay so it was Belinda blinked and screamed okay save her James Spooner as you an angel of all people! She can't die!

She's my bestie! Aww. It's a bit late, isn't it? And Belinda wants to die, so if she died, then they'd be together forever. But Belinda... Spoons replied patiently. You didn't want to be alive. You didn't want your life.

And this is what happens if you'd never been around for Bella, your bestie. But she wasn't, like, stood by the life support machine, like, with her hand over the switch. Spoons shut up. Point made. And what of the Duchess, please? Pray the Norse gods she is still 50, frisky and fabulous, Belinda asked. And the rest, yeah. You're 50!

You have to see it with your own eyes and ears. Well, yeah, because that's sort of the structure of this chapter, isn't it? But also you don't see with your ears, but the less said about that, the better. With an Xmas jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more. It's all gone, and i know people make these comparisons quite a lot because they're obviously both such well-constructed worlds but it's very broomstick it's very harry potter isn't it so bella's dead there's no like twist there they've gone no yeah bella's gone because belinda wasn't there to save her so she died but also no stakes

whatsoever because this is essentially a dream sequence yeah you're right broomstick so it kind of reminds me as well of bed knobs and broomsticks you ever see that as a yes spooky but had kind of weird multi-colored like smoke in that as well when they were moving into different worlds isn't there a line in that as well where the child goes what about my knob yeah what about my knob yeah it's a classic it's probably a line in this book as well. What about my knob? So with an Xmas jingle, the liar zoomed into a puff once more. In time, it cleared like the toilet after a big Christmas shit. Oh.

Love it. Love it, Linda. It's porn. It's supposed to be porn. A big Christmas shit. This will probably be the 30th time we've talked about it, but you have a big Christmas puke, don't you? I do normally have a big Christmas puke and a big Christmas shishoo, if I'm totally honest. And let me tell you, they don't clear easily.

James! How is your heart throb? It's just disgusting. He's the one that's lusted after. I say you have a big Christmas puke, but not like a sort of Roman vomitorium thing. You just can't keep it down, can you? You just go overboard.

Well, I just fill myself until I can feel it in my throat. Can we? Okay, I don't even know why I brought it up yet. Fine, let's move on. So anyway, the puff has cleared. That's all we need to know. The snowy suburban street was lifeless and monotonous. This isn't Epsom Hall.

I said the Duchess, you deaf, wingless bat out of heaven, Belinda demanded of her friend Angel. She doesn't work in customer services, does she? Well, sadly, the Duchess has had quite the fall from Greece, Spoons replied. Poppycock, Belinda rebuked. I'm afraid it's true. Because you weren't there, the Bish plot was successful.

We were the international laughingstock of crockery and the Duchess was fired from the MISX. But all of this just wouldn't have happened, would it? In this world, the acquisition happened like five years ago. But Rocky doesn't really think like that does he he's just gone what can i make happen it's a bit worse than what it was before he's not going to have unpicked it in that way he's just gone like bish one also he didn't win because like in the normal narrative bish's plan is to destroy steel's pots and pans this just sounds like the

standard acquisition of a company that would have to do... It's not even a hostile takeover. No. It's just a takeover. Like, so the Duchess has lost her job at MI6 because Bish acquired Steeles Pots and Pants. Well, they were an international laughingstock of crockery, so that makes sense.

I mean, that wouldn't be nice, would it? It would be awful to go to crockery conferences and be the laughingstock. Yeah. But again, did that really all pivot on belinda if it all hinges on one employee to keep the whole thing afloat yeah the head of mi6 gets fired because of belinda blumenthal in a fucking pots and pans company i just feel like it's not sustainable yeah and it wasn't belinda generally oblivious anyway to what was going on

so couldn't really didn't really do anything in the real world so couldn't really have changed anything in this one so so just so i understand mi6 steals bish also the life so far of one woman one employee dear personal friend that's all down to belinda god we've underestimated her to be fair there are bits in it's a wonderful life where like george saves his brother was as like a kid and then when he's older his brother saves like a whole boatload of people in the war it's the sort of butterfly effect exactly sure i guess dad's just trying to kind of ramp it up that idea of yeah that lives have consequences alice they really do and i suppose i've always just you know skipped through mine notising what an impact I've had on everyone. Who would be dead if you hadn't have lived?

That's the question, Alice. I mean, you two would live measly lives. Obviously, you'd be living in this house, Jamie. I was going to say, I wouldn't. Can I just say, though, this world sounds way better than the normal world. Bella's dead. Normal business is happening. And there isn't some nutty aristocrat

in charge of MI6 that's true how do we stay in the Christmas special so the Duchess was fired from MI6 fiction fact fiction and barely

the scandal rocked the aristocracy and grand old Duke Clarence divorced her ass God, she's really gone to her lowest point, hasn't she? The hagfish! It's not a thing Is there such a thing as a hagfish? A hagfish? May I?

I'm just going to Google Please do Watch it be Dutch for something The hagfish Oh my god, it is a real thing Oh my god, it looks like an eel or like a... Show me. It looks like a tapeworm.

Oh, it looks like a... It looks like an intestine. What size is it? 30 to... Can be between 30 to 89 centimetres. Christ. It's long, isn't it? Hagfish.

It's a slime-producing marine fish. They're the only known living animals that have a skull but no vertebral column. That's genuinely gross. he is a hagfish you're both hagfish sorry you're queen hagfish merry christmas you hagfish you filthy hagfish you slimy hagfish what is it you've got a skull but no brain what was it a skull but no spine oh my god i've never i've never met two human embodiments of hagfish more accurate than you do the hagfish she was stripped of her sorry it's actually quite an accurate way to describe someone as in a derogatory term then isn isn't it? I'm using it. I'm having it.

Yeah, fine, slimy. She was stripped of her title and forced to wander the street. Wander the street? Why was she stripped of her title? Because she got divorced, I think. But you still have it, don't you? Yeah, well, Princess Diana still got hurt. Oh, no, did she?

Yeah, she was still Princess of Wales, wasn't she? Because Fergie was still something, wasn't she? Duchess of York? Sure. Clearly embarrassing pots and pans is worse than getting your toes sucked by some random person. Have you been watching The Crown, by the way? Oh, yeah. Maggie, Thatcher, Dennis.

I could have done that role. Oh, do you not like it? Yeah, I just love doing Margaret Thatcher impressions. She doesn't move her mouth very much, does she, Julian? Because when she's doing that one, The Fall, she's like, we must get the blouses back. I'm really worried about doing the Duchess's voice now because all I'm going to hear is Gillian Anderson being Thatcher because it's basically the same voice, isn't it?

The medicine may be hard, but the country needs it. Yeah, it's very you, actually. Do you think she heard the Duchess? Oh, definitely. Gillian loves the show, doesn't she? So, absolutely. That's probably she heard the Duchess? Oh, definitely. Gillian loves the show, doesn't she? So, absolutely. I think that's probably libelous, but yeah. By virtue of their privilege, they lack grit. That's more Prince Charles, isn't it?

The wig is doing a lot of the work. That wig is mad. It gets bigger and bigger. It's huge. What was up, Gillian? Episode five. It was like twice the size of her brain. You know sometimes when Jamie jumps on a Zoom call

and he's clearly just woken up and he's trying to style it out. Yours is... Yeah, Maggie Thatcher hair. Similar size. So she was forced to walk the streets. I just don't buy this. I should have said that at the beginning. Impossible.

Belinda trembled as she and spoons peered through the lace net curtains of number 69 of the street of course it was 69 there was the duchess oh she's wait just from the net curtains is she just gonna be standard old lady living in suburbia living in suburbia she's not got the trimmings has she she, of the higher life anymore? There was the Duchess, drunken alone in an orange living room. Orange. I know, it's really got bad. Unusual choice. And you've just baited your hallway.

Oh my God, I have. What is it? Lime green? It's come out lime green. It wasn't supposed to. I'd actually prefer orange. The TV set was on. A show about gossip disguised as culture. Loose women.

Loose women. Burn. was on a show about gossip disguised as culture loose women burn was seducing the former lady a show about gossip disguised as culture i mean that's literally every tv show gloria huneford wanging on she was lifeless like a brain dead barbie in sweating clothes she's just in her joggers i mean mean, that's been me all year. So I'm like, that doesn't sound so bad. Drunk in her joggers. That's, yeah, that's 2020. Watching Brain Dead TV. Yeah, watching Loose Women.

And James is like a Ken doll. Welcome to my mate. Oh, it's rotting her brain, poor thing, Belinda said. Well, she doesn't need a brain with her new husband, Buster Broomfinger. He's quite the twat. Not noted, Broomfinger. He's quite the twat!

It sounds like it with a name like Buster Broomfinger. What a twat. Belinda turns to Spooner, disgusted at her learnings. Spoons, answer me one thing and don't you dare lie Spoons nodded his sultry nod What a sexy bastard This marriage you speak of, is it sexless? I'm afraid so

No! Belinda screamed it's a nightmare is it sexless I'm afraid so no Rocky's writing himself out of a job here like if there's no sex what do we have also he's telling us that that's

kind of his idea of a worst case scenario which means he's having a lot of sex in marriage so anyway well just saying like he wouldn't write it would he if that was his situation no jamie screamed with belinda i'm happy for him though yeah that's great um belinda i think you are too james oh over the moon like lockdown life yeah literally nothing else to do belinda screamed as she fell to the cracked tarmac of the unmaintained road which clearly pointed to this part of town not being a priority for the council well and rocky knows about stuff when it comes to property and like the right areas of town and things like that yes and he knows about council tax and like how how local authorities are spending their budget.

So actually, although very boring, probably very accurate. The tears filling her eyes froze as they slipped down her cheeks. Unlikely. I mean, I know it's cold. How cold is it? It's a bad neighbourhood. It's the Arctic. Each one becoming a unique snowflake. For all are different and none on this endangered planet is the same. Little climate change remark in there.

Thank you, Rocky Attenborough. Not sure that's how snowflakes are formed, though. From the eyes of sad women. From the eyes of dead ghosts. I need to save her. Her smoky breath breathed. And Belinda marched up to the door and knocked it one. What, kicked it down?

Knock it one! The Duchess opened it. Oh, here we go. Get ready for Thatcher. Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? Oh, it's nice to have her back, isn't it? She said, Sorry, Malay...

Old lady, Belinda stuttered. You say, sorry male old lady belinda stuttered you say sorry old lady even if you're correcting yourself from milady sorry hagfish the traditional french go sorry i don't know any of the things that she said so far say that first line again whence is that goodly fragrance flowing from where is that nice smell coming from? From the woman in front of you. It's in capitals. Oh, sorry, me old lady. In the traditional French go. Oh, no, I'm not a carol singer, Duchess.

Are they in France? I think that must be a carol. Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? James, to the machine. Whence is that goodly fragrance flowing? James, to the machine. Whence is that... Oh, yeah, okay. Oh! So it's a song.

It's a song title of a carol. So she's essentially using Belinda like a jukebox. She's like, jingle bells, go. Which is not generally how you communicate with carol singers, is it? No, you get what you're given on the doorstep. They've prepared a song. You don't go do you know destiny's child and is it in french because she says in traditional french i've

literally never heard of it oh yeah so the original is kelly set eau de gab okay beautifully pronounced hello france merry christmas joyeux noel okay so whence is that goodly fragrance flowing Sorry my Old lady In the traditional French go I mean that's asking a lot If they've even got it in the songbook To ask for it in the traditional French

I should give her like 50p For all that effort Oh no I'm not a carol singer Duchess I'm no Duchess Traditional French. I should give her like 50p for all that effort. Oh, no. I'm not a carol singer, Duchess. I'm no Duchess, the Duchess said in distress. I am merely Gertrude. Oh, yeah, Gertrude. But that would make you go, how do you know that I was a Duchess?

Like, what's your backstory? Who are you? How do you know me? Yeah. Rather than just, no, no longer. Oh, well, you don't know me gertrude but i'm spreading xmas cheer she didn't ask belinda said hey i like your tiara is she wearing a tiara she's got jogging bottoms on and a tiara oh not me i'm no duchess don't be fooled by the tiara which by the way duchesses don't wear probably

sweating clothes and a tiara you know what you've got to make yourself feel special sometimes i used to go to the shops in lockdown in like a full suit just to wear nice clothes three-piece pocket watch hey i like your tiara thank you it's real twig i don't think you'd say i'd like your tiara i think you'd say you've got twigs in your head It's real twig. A twig! Tiara! What on earth is she wearing? I don't think you'd say I'd like your tiara. I think you'd say you've got twigs in your hair. Do you want me to get them out?

Also, who says... Sorry, are those twigs real? Like, are people fake twigs? Thank you, it's real twig. They do in this house. Every plant you say to Jamie is nice, he goes, it's fake. It's fake. Everything's fake in this house. Do you know what?

Cost a bloody fortune. Absolute fortune. It's an investment, James. See that plant there nice he goes it's fake it's fake everything's fake in this house do you know what cost a bloody fortune absolute fortune it's an investment James see that plant there fake it's fake that one's fake up there two grand

that one's real actually that one's real 500 pounds the one on its last legs the real twig the real twig thank you

it's real twig oh I love a good bit of wood myself. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, whole time. What was she wearing? That she can access a twig of mistletoe? A mini skirt was it? That she lifted up for the rouses? Oh yeah. She's been taking bits off and putting them back. It's hard to know what she's got left on. I'm surprised she didn't leave it up there and go kooz. Kooz, kooz, kooz. The Duchess barked. A slave to tradition and pomp.

They kiss. They kiss. Present tense. To black. Belinda breathed through her nose and now it was the Duchess's turn to cry. Moisture filled her eye and vagina. Sorry. And vagina.

I wasn't expecting that. Moisture filled her eyes. Oh wait, they're going to freeze over. The vagina's going to freeze over And vagina lids With equal amounts of cubic millimetres Oh I see I thought she'd cried down to her

And the tears had like trickled down to her vagina That's quite old school Rocky isn't it When it all just sloshes around together Yes I think her eyelids are crying Her vaginal lids are crying Not crying but getting moist The tears of an angel The equal amounts of cubic

millimeters yes belinda was furious am i that bad a kisser she demanded i'll have you know i won best smooch two years in a row at the kentish board game society believe me there's a lot to unpack there yeah so sorry say it one more time i won i won Best Smooch two years in a row at the Kentish Board Game Society. The Board Game Society run a competition for kissing. And she won two years in a row. There's not actually that much to unpack. It's just ludicrous. Believe me, we were never bored, but there were many, many games.

No, yeah, cool. Yeah, not a very good joke, Belinda. You know it was dorky AF, don't you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the guys like, let's do a kissing game. No wonder Belinda won. I've entered in four categories. I've never kissed a lady before.

Oh, James. Oh. No, the Duchess spluttered. It's just I, I never thought I'd have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Files. That's disgusting. She has tongue for Sunday lunch? She considers having tongue for Sunday lunch as a kiss.

What have we got? Chicken, beef, ox's tongue. What? Oh, I'm going to smooch it. What does that mean? Does that mean they eat tongue or she's been kissing someone's tongue. What? Oh, I'm going to smooch it. What does that mean? Does that mean they eat tongue or she's been kissing someone at a Sunday dinner? No, it means that they're serving tongue

and she thinks of that in the same category as being snogged. Fucking hell. That's dark. That's a loveless marriage and she's snogging a Sunday roast. Come on. It's no lie.

I thought I'd never have another tongue in my mouth that wasn't Sunday lunch at Great Aunt Vi's. Although spin-off for Great Aunt Vi, no? Come on. You know it's coming. You don't have to ask for it. Oh, you poor sow. My tongue's an explorer.

She's been on many adventures. Oh, God. And now it's time to conquer you. Within seconds, the two ladies kicked their way into the small pokey house and removed their respective clothing lines. What about Buster Fourfingers?

Where's he? Broomfinger. Broomfinger. Oh, I thought of Bottomfinger for a second. Don't let him in. Kicked their way into the living room. How much clutter's in there? Bottles everywhere. Belinda helped herself in there? There's bottles everywhere. Belinda helped herself to the Duchess's tits and decided... Is it a buffet kind of situation?

And decided to dine out. Or should that be in? It should be in. You tell us, Dad. It should be in. Delete is appropriate. Delete it all. Delete it from start to finish.

The Duchess squealed and wow did something squirm within her sorry sorry to interrupt I'm very unlike us somebody turns up

at your door you think they're a carol singer they don't have the song that you want but then they're like alternatively we can fuck are you like

I'll go on then I mean it seems unlikely I mean maybe if you liked what you experienced with the tongue in your mouth so you're saying you would you'd let in a on then I mean it seems unlikely I mean maybe If you liked what you experienced With the tongue in your mouth So you're saying you would You'd let in a stranger Well I don't know

For a fuck That you thought was a carol singer Don't judge Should we give out his address Because if that's the situation Somebody's getting a Christmas treat But do you know what I mean No

No Not in the slightest What's the difference between that And like Tinder though Because you don't really know that What's the difference between that and Tinder though? Because you don't really know that What's the difference between that and Tinder? Tinder works You just show up at someone's door

Jingle bell What's the difference between Tinder? I think you need to be taught about Tinder Let's do a little tutorial after this So the duchess squealed And wow did something squirm within her Oh god was it a hagfish, was it a hagfish? I bet!

Like a Christmas miracle, the Duchess became alive once more. Oh, I must imagine, you know, in like Christmas songs where like... The colour returns. You know, like a transformation, like Cinderella where like the glitter goes up and then they completely... I imagine like... Yeah, absolutely. Where the sort of the orgasms breathing life back into her belinda knew in the christmas dew that passion christmas do i thought

tears are freezing on her face there's no dew maybe it's taken a while to get to this point belinda knew in the christmas dew that passion was a present worthy of an unused vagina if she could do one thing this Christmas, it would be to wetten this wretched woman. What a beautiful sentiment. She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach. Humped? I've heard of a humped back, a humped stomach.

I've heard of a humped whale. Humped back whale. Why has she got a humped stomach? Does that mean she's just got a bit of a belly? A little gunt, maybe. Well, maybe we've all got a little belly. Yeah, really. Not that little on some of us.

Why are you looking at me like that? No, me. You, you've got a very lovely belly. I've got a big plate of mince pies in front of me. I've just had one, calm down. She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach and made her way down to her plump undercarriage. Well, plump's good.

Yeah, for someone in her age group. Does it drop? It does, apparently. Does it drop? Does what drop? Apparently your vagina drops. Drops to where? I don't know, but apparently it drops. Down your leg? Do you have to tuck it into one of your trouser legs? What do you mean, drop? Is that why they wear longer skirts? Are you basing this on cats, you know, when their stomachs drop?

You only see an older lady cat, and the stomachs are really low. Why am I James this week? I don't know. What's happened? How low do they go? How low do they go? I swear I heard it on a chat show or something it was. I don't know.

A humped belly and a dropped vagina. I mean, I've got a lot of things to look forward to. No, but hers is still lovely and plump. But a bit lower. No, no. Hers is fine. Where it should be. Yeah, absolutely.

Just the undercarriage. Oh, so it can't be plump and drop well that's what I mean like maybe what do you mean like it deflates and sags is that what you're saying

I don't know honestly oh god I'm a bit drunk does it turn into like testicles I don't want to be in this club anymore

I've done everything I can do between its fucking wrath and my questionable knowledge what women is he allowing to the door on I've done everything I can do. This really is fucking wrath. Questionable knowledge. What women is he allowing to the door on? It's dragon.

He likes the wagon that they're dragging, but it happens to be their vagina. She stroked the Duchess's humped stomach. Dropped. I mean, the logistics of it. Where's it going? But it was out so sudden. It's such a plunge. find it and like i'm gonna find it i will find my source and um i'm sure you will oh please don't call it fake news um so she made her way down to her plump undercarriage

not before long she plunged her fingers deep and started frigging her figgy pudding friggy pudding friggy pudding is actually quite clever he didn't write that that's actually really good he didn't do that i mean it was there on the page for him and he didn't take the opportunity i feel like this should be treated as a workshop so we should be workshopping the writing and then come up with what the chapter should be yeah yeah so she plunged her fingers and gave her some fricky pudding that's great that's great well done james very good she licked her sopping fingers she murmured sweet with a festive spice So now it is just a figgy pudding. Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic.

I guess because it's... It's an organic cup. It's because it's dropped so low. So that is just soil. Soil. That's just picking up stuff. Just bits of grass. Twigs.

Yeah. Oh my God. The insides of your mind. My God. Plus that earthy element that truly screamed organic. It was clear the Duchess had grown this vagina herself. What is happening? And to drown in her homemade cream was a Christmas treat for the ages.

Homemade cream's pretty gross, isn't the ages homemade cream's pretty gross isn't it it's all pretty gross to be honest we caught off quite lightly in part i was gonna say well i forget about the sex yeah so i forget that it's it's a coming literally she's a coming i also think that um buster big balls or whatever what is he called again um buster broom finger what do you think it was buster bottom finger i think buster bottom room finger will use his broom finger on one on one or other of them surely so yeah so the homemade cream was a christmas treat for the ages and then when he recaps and said it's so matter of fact so yeah the homemade cream is just very important that

you know that yeah indeed the the Duchess was so pissed, her female ejaculation tasted a bit like squalies. A bit like what? Squalies. What's squalies? A drink similar to another well-selling Irish aperitif, but in no way the same or similar, actually. What does that mean?

So squalies is spelt capital S-Q-U-A-I-L-E-Y-S. Squalys. Before you Google it. Baileys. Oh, for fuck's sake. A drink similar to another well-selling Irish aperitif, but in no way the same or similar, actually. That just makes me angry.

He's been so much more convoluted than that in the past. Special J, though. I mean, he's just changing letters, isn't he? If I were him, I'd just start saying the brand names, because don't they send you stuff if you start like promoting

not to be associated with this brand I don't think yeah do you think Bailey's are going to be like what a fantastic scene that we could link to he's equated it with

come we should send him some but we didn't write it so if Bailey's want to send us Bailey's if PlayStation 5 are listening I'd love a PlayStation 5

indeed the Duchess's human cream was best sipped by the fireside of passion and on the hairy rug of puberty. Can we stop talking about the Duchess's cream? Why are we talking about puberty? The hairy rug of puberty. But who's going through puberty? Nobody in this scene, I hope.

So the Duchess's human cream. So that's, we know what that is. It's best sipped by the fireside of passion. Because you would drink Baileys by a fire, wouldn't you? So there's an actual fire. But this is the fireside of like the fiery passion, maybe. Yeah. And on a hairy rug of puberty.

Does it just mean pubes? Like not puberty? I don't know. So you serve Baileys. Swayle like not puberty so you serve baileys squalies chill nobody serve baileys yeah chilled by a fire on a rug on a rug maybe squalies you serve in a passionate situation yes on pubes of somebody again i really hope of age um and then if you're if you're i mean you would be drinking it, drinking it. I mean, you know, consuming it from the vagina so that you are on the rug of puberty to quote dad. Can I just say we're giving this far too much air now.

Don't dwell on it, move on because we've all got lives to lead, do you know what I mean? I also love it when Jamie goes, so it would actually be the rug of puberty or would it okay my bad sorry I feel like quite the fool

they lay there sweat dripping down their curves it was the duchess to break the hush of breathing I can't remember the last time

I was touched like that but I'm confused. Does this make me a lesbian? Sorry. I spat everywhere, sorry. Thanks for that.

Does it make her a lesbian? No, makes you bisexual. So she's like, But I'm confused. Does this make me a lesbian? Oh, Gertrude, Belinda replied. Labels are for gifts under the tree tree never for those who are sexually free yes rocky slash rocky yeah love that on a t-shirt what was it labels are for gifts under the tree never for those who are sexually free really like that really like that it's their

time to add that to the christmas merch line seriously that'll fly off the shelves he's learning he's learning isn't he and poetry yeah it's quite good that i think yeah better than some of your rhymes actually james how dare you i was 10 with credit to him though he's always been about the labelless life totally i think mainly because it probably just all confuses him quite a lot so he's like i just won't comment on it you be whatever you want to be. It's easier for me that way. More material.

So yeah, so labels are the gifts under the tree, never for those who are sexually free. Although one label, she is an adulterer. Yes, that's quite an important one. She is a big fat cheat. The Duchess grinned. In fact, you shall henceforth be known as Gertrude the Great Shag. Very nice.

Well, it's better than Gertrude Broomfinger, isn't it? No, she didn't take his name, did she? Gertrude Broomfinger. Sorry, that's just hit me. Gertie Broomfinger. Dirty Broomfinger. Dirty Gertie Broomfinger! Sorry, that's just hit me. Gertie Broomfinger. Dirty Broomfinger. Dirty Gertie Broomfinger. But just then, footsteps sounded from upstairs.

A terror, unacceptable to Belinda, flashed across the Duchess's cheeks, front and back. Your buttocks look terrified. You must go, or Buster's going to bust you. Going to get you. So Buster's been upstairs this whole time. I guess, yeah. And he hasn't heard a thing.

You must go, or Buster's going to bust you. Stop saying it. The Duchess's diction tremble. I love that, Buster's going to bust you. I love the consistency and the tone of voice of the that. Buster's going to bust you. I love the consistency and the tone of voice of the character. Buster's going to bust you. Get the bloody hell out of here. I'd love to see him try, Belinda retorted. First fight scene.

Belinda retorted, miming rolling up her sleeves. She mimed it! Why are you being so slapstick now? Get out of there! Please, the Duchess begged. She mined it! Why are we being so slapstick now? Get out of there! Please! The Duchess begged. It had been a while since Belinda had borne witness to a woman pleading for anything other than a spreadsheet and it wrenched her back to the here and now.

Scurrying out of the house like an unwanted pest, Belinda... Very accurate. The first accurate description we've heard of her. Belinda rejoined spoons on the pavement. He opened his fingers wide and turned to her. Opened his fingers wide. Spread his hand. Like a double five to ten.

But like a, nothing in my hands. Nothing in my hands. Watch this. Pulls the dildo out of his sleeve. Pulls out of Belinda's rolled up sleeves. So you see, Belinda, because you don't want to be alive or work for Steeles Pots and Pans, the Duchess lost everything.

And not just those I've shown you, no. But ones I can't be bothered to write. Ones we don't have time for. Ones that I could probably do now but I want to go in and eat my dinner Giselle never married Tony she became a spinster actually working casual

PA jobs and Tony married Jane, two kids and one dog just a random woman also why do we give a fuck what Giselle did married Jane, two kids and one dog. The catch up. Just a random woman. Also, why do we give a fuck what Giselle did? Good riddance to bad rubbish. Tony married Jane, two kids, one dog,

nice house in Tuckernham. And as they say, Belinda... This is the round robin we were talking about. The newsletter. And as they say, Belinda, the rest is history. Well, no, the rest is like the present, isn't it? Yeah, the rest is reality. The rest is very much the future. Please, screamed Belinda, take me back to the river where I crashed my car spoons.

I loved my life and really my life loved me. Take her back to the river, put her in the driving seat, put the child lock on. And let's just not think about this ever again. Sometimes we just have to appreciate what we have, Spoons wisely whistled. Wow, what a clunky message. Hammered over the head to us many, many times. But thank you for clarifying. Belinda nodded in the snow globe of life.

Yeah. I promised. James can really feel the end of tonight. He's like, I'm not even going to comment. What gets me through the quickest? I promised to appreciate all the tits and ass and cock and bumholes I know. But I need you, you fabulous friend angel, to help me help me. Spoons blinked back in the safety of life and free from all regrets she may have once entertained belinda was fucking des martin who had delivered

her turkey so sorry she's been given a new chance at life and she decides to fuck des martin run straight to des martin come on i want some dribbly sex. Fresh from the farm, he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was ploughing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas. Des Martin lives on a farm? I thought he lived on... No, he's just delivered the turkey. He went and slaughtered it on the farm himself.

Or just went to collect it from the farm. Why are you saying it like it's so matter-of-fact? Because that's where you get your turkeys from, isn't it? I don't know, actually, because mother usually deals with that. What, you go to a farm to get your turkey? Yeah, do you not do that, Al? I would presume, like Tessa. I don't eat meat, Des.

Oh, of course, yeah. I mean, I have done everything. I was going to say, it's like two weeks ago. Again, you know, I'm not doing that bit of the process. So Des Martin went to the farm to collect the turkey to hand to Belinda and then fucked her. And somehow got straw stuck in his arse. So was he like running around the barn like trying to grab the turkey? Yeah, I think they do it for you.

I think it's like, I don't need to get home. You just collect it in a box. Yeah, it's not like you have to kill it yourself. Whichever one you can chase and capture, you get to get home. So he had bits of straw in his ass crack and was ploughing her with all the sexual trimmings of Christmas Lovely His big old cock was ready to spew E-I-E-I-O

Rocky's given up hasn't he He backed out of her Flipped Belinda over And came a long dribble of silver tinsel All over her tummy Oh lovely Really festive, really niceints. Really nice. But all Belinda could think of was Spoons' speech pattern.

Every time a bellend comes, an angel gets their wings. Of course. I thought you'd forgotten about that. Lying flat on her back, Belinda gazed to the heavens. Atta boy, Spoons. Oh, God. I'm getting weirdly emotional. What a beautiful ending. Belinda gazed to the heavens Atta boy, Spoons Oh god

I'm getting weirdly emotional What a beautiful ending Belinda blinked Is that the end? And that's the end of It's a Blinking Life We've had Blue come, we've had Silver come What beautiful character arcs Like Belinda learned to appreciate her life again

James Spooner got his wings Yeah yeah des mine came i don't know what a beautiful fully rounded christmas insane christmas tale yeah exactly i you know i'm always the first to stand in line to slam anything that rocky's done but really i mean although he copied something that already existed and so it's a template can be given no credit. I think really, really quite brilliant. Yeah, good job, Dad. Well done. Good job, Rocky. Merry Christmas to Rocky.

Merry Christmas to Rocky. Merry Christmas, everyone. Cheers. Can't reach you. Two metres and all that. I can't reach you. We're too associated. And you thought that was the last of us for this year,

but we have an extra special bonus up our sleeve. Yes, there'll be a little certain thing in your Christmas stocking on Christmas Day. A collaboration which was just born to happen, really. Yeah, it does feel like a really good fit. My dad wrote a porno, welcomes Joan and Jerrica to the footnotes. The world's greatest agony aunts.

We've got problems, you've got problems and they are the only women equipped to deal with them. Rocky's got many problems so hopefully he can learn something from them really excited so a treat for christmas day my dad wrote a porno meets joan and jerica lovely cannot wait and the one thing you've all been waiting for the reason you've listened this long let's face it you want to know when book six is coming well we have an answer don't we we do new year new porn we will be opening belinda blinked six on monday the 24th of may 2021 let's be having you hashtag porno day shall return what will

happen to belinda she's in that random hot air balloon with bish there's the tattoos of the three bees will any of these questions get answered probably not thanks for that recap because i'd already forgotten honestly i was like that sounds new to me I'm gonna go listen again thanks so much as always for listening it's been so nice to be back it has yeah Merry Christmas everybody and see you on Christmas Day for a little festive filth