My Dad Wrote A Porno - My Dad Wrote A Christmas Porno 6 - Part Two

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the world premiere of the Steele's Pots and Pans Christmas Panto - 'Cinderella The Intern'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porno, the Christmas special part two. Woo! Yes, very exciting. Last week we were obviously at Abbey Road Studios. This week we're in my full house. Back to Christmas traditions. Am I allowed to say i'm

happy to be here it felt slightly like we were on display i felt like i was in a fishbowl there were a lot of people in that booth weren't they yeah saying god they're not very funny this show benefits from the edit uh if we didn't know that before we do now three hours in and people were just slowly peeling off because they were like i've got a family at home can't wait here all night um you know but you made it look very festive in here jame you've got your garlands on the stairs you've got a lovely tree with all the i think we talked about before with all the bespoke uh baubles yeah all my christmas decorations well actually i have something for you both um seeing as you made such a song and dance last year about my collection of baubles, I bought you both...

From the top pocket! ...a Christmas decoration. Abbey Road! It's an Abbey Road bauble! But it's a kind of golden, like, rosette kind of disc. What does it say? Let's have a look. It says...

So, Al, if you look behind you, there's actually one on the tree. Do you see right in front of your face? Oh, that's cool! James, it's 3D once you've constructed it. Look at that. Wow! I am genuinely quite touched. I thought it was going to be a joke gift. No, it's a real gift. I thought it would be it. Look at that. Wow. I am genuinely quite touched. I thought it was going to be a joke gift.

No, yeah, it's a real gift. I thought it'd be nice. That's lovely. Because that was a big moment that we went to Abbey Road Studios and recorded there. It's an upgrade. Last year, I think you bought me an aubergine Christmas deck. Yeah. And you bought Alice like a vagina or something.

Yeah, it was, what was it? An avocado, I think. It was the best I could do. It was short notice. I can't say I still have that one. No, it'll be in the box with the decks. It'll be in the box. This won't last long either.

She'll give it away. That'll be somebody else's Christmas present. I think my brother is going to love opening that. He'll wonder why. Oh, talking of presents, we should say if you haven't got a present for someone yet, we have the perfect solution. Oh, we do, yeah.

Where does he get it from? Beautiful, beautiful. Yes, we are finally bringing Belinda's Dirty 30, our brand new live show, all across the world. We managed to do all of Australia and New Zealand in 2020 and a little tiny bit of the USA and Canada, but we are going back to North America with tickets on sale now. We're also going to bring the party all over the UK and Europe too.

Yeah, we're starting in Brighton on February the 6th. And then we're going to Birmingham, Amsterdam, Glasgow, Manchester, London, New York, Boston. Everywhere. Alice Asom. I can't think of any more. Oslo. Yes. I'm excited about doing a week at the Palladium.

That's quite cool, isn't it? That'll be good. That'll be nice. And as you say New York will that be our biggest show ever biggest show ever Radio City Music Hall

also the last night of the tour so you've got to come paddy paddy and if you saw our first tour a couple of years ago this one's brand new quite different actually it is

so gather the Glee team you know what to do come in costume we love that and get a little gang together it's a pick your porno so you as the audience get to decide what happens each night so it's a completely new show every time

and you don't have to be up to date in the series if you've got friends that only listen to series one or two they can still come along and enjoy it and let's be honest you guys picking which way the porno goes is so much better than rocky decided well he has decided every eventuality and he hasn't quite mastered the mechanics so it it's even more hilarious. It's clunky as fuck. Come on down. If that's what you whistle, then you can get tickets and all the info at mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live. You can indeed.

Right, guys, I think it's time that we delve back in to this ridiculous pantomime at Steelers Pots and Pans. Oh, yes, we're going to get the actual performance now. It's time for the show. It's show day. If you've got this far and you haven't realised you've missed one, pause this and go back and listen to the first part because you will not want to miss the build up. No.

What anticipation. Like you're probably wondering how will they get to the venue? What will they need to wear? It's all in part one, baby. Not a single stone has been left unturned on that detail. Admin, admin, admin. You gotta love that sexy porno, admin. Now, Jamie, you're a man of the theatre as well, documented on the show.

So are there any kind of pre-show rituals we should be doing? Oh, yeah, of course. To make sure it's a good night at the panto. Vocal warm-ups, to do stretches. Are there things that thesp say to one another? Because I know obviously you don't call it you call it the

Scottish play the Scottish play indeed are there any other superstitions you know you should never whistle in a theatre why is that it's bad luck

so is putting a peacock feather on stage guys please leave your peacock feathers at the door. Oh, shit. Do they do a kind of metal detection test and then they go like,

and I will actually have to pat you down for peacock feathers. What are the origins? The peacock thing, what's the origin of that? I think it's because they, you know, they have that kind of like circle in them. And a lot of like, this is old school actors call it the evil eye. Is that what Val Harris called it?

Is that who learned it from? Vicky Lane said it a lot. Peacock feathers. How does he say it with such a straight face I think it goes back to like Plato and stuff it's quite an old ancient tradition really

yeah Plato quite old yeah what do they do on like Priscilla Queen of the Desert because that's like full of feathers and there are other ones

that are from like really old times so well to be fair all your mates were from really old times so go on so I was taught you can never apply your makeup with a rabbit's foot these are just common that's common sense that's not a true theater tradition that's just bad

methodology well because it is good luck to keep a rabbit's foot in the makeup box but i also heard that it's bad luck to knit backstage in the wings uh god what other one there were loads i wonder how he knows these do you think he's just been like knitting a jumper on the side of the stage like jamie you can't take your peacock home and there are things that you should never say a theater's closed it's always dark you do actually say that yeah yeah and you also never call it um a theater he never says like oh it's like a great thing you always call it a house a house is dark

because I'm a twat yeah never you shouldn't really open a show on a Friday there's loads of things I think on the first day of a new show

you're supposed to use old makeup don't like start a new thing of makeup what do you mean there's loads of things like this wow

old makeup and not with a rabbit's foot yeah exactly god theatre people you've got to love them haven't you it's fun though isn't it all this mythology okay so like this. Wow. Old makeup and not with a rabbit's foot. Yeah, exactly. God, theatre people. You've got to love them, haven't you?

It's fun though, isn't it? All this mythology. Okay, so are we ready for... So that's kind of set the scene for us for stuff that they won't be doing for sure.

They'll have all been doing that shit backstage. Yeah, Belinda will be knitting. They'll be slapping a rabbit's foot around her chops. Okay. Belinda Blinked.

The Christmas Special Part 2. Cinderella the Intern. shots okay belinda blinked the christmas special part two cinderella the intern night had fallen over shakespeare's globe theater no sorry. They're doing it at the Globe. They're not doing it at the Globe. You don't get to do amateur dramatics at the Globe. And the world premiere of Cinderella the Intern. Shut up, world premiere. The only performance. Wasn't someone quite important going? Wasn't a

royal going or something? Yeah, he mentioned that we're all to be in attendance, yeah. So Nightfall and over Shakespeare's Globe Theatre and the world premiere of Cinderella the Intern, written by, directed by and starring Belinda Blumenthal. She wrote it. Oh, Christ. She's only ever said four words.

We only know that she knows four words. Rocky writing Belinda writing dialogue. Oh, God. So meta. In the audience, Ciara Montague, who had willingly designed the costumes. Well, of course, you can the audience Ciara Montague who had willingly designed the costumes well of course

you can't have Ciara Montague in your phone book and not call her in for this it's like how Halston used to design costumes

for the opera didn't he back in the day yeah exactly she's going to be so good I mean from our previous

discussion she probably wanted to do really flamboyant things and obviously had to rein in the feathers and stuff

but I imagine it will be quite spectacular so she had willingly designed the costumes and she fingered the program that's a nicer way to say that thumbed even like thumbed his way

flicking the beam um flicking the third page she perused the about the players section okay so this is the cast list cast list yes okay so i Okay, so I'm going to read out the character and you have to guess who plays it. Oh, I love a Christmas game. Right. Cinderella the Intern. Belinda. Belinda Blumenthal, correct. Ding, ding, ding. Buttons the Postboy.

I'm going to say Bill. From HR. Tony. Oh, the snail. In Snail. No, I'm sorry. Des Martin is playing Buttons. That kind of makes sense because Buttons is a bit of a sad character. Like a bit of a loser. I was going to say,

bring a lot of melancholy to it. Wicked stepmother and MD of Steelus Pannus. Giselle? Giselle! Oh! Correct. Steelus Pannus. Why is it weirdly not Latin Latin?

Ugly stepsister of marketing. Bella? Oh, Ian Snail? No. Oh. Ugly stepsister of marketing. Yeah, think about who auditioned for a dame in part one. Oh, Patio Hamlin?

No, the other person. What did... James? What did... Sir James Godwin? Yeah, that was dame, wasn't it? Sir James Godwin is the ugly stepsister of marketing. Okay. Ugly stepsister of sales.

You've already said his name. Oh, Patio Hamlin. Patio Ham patio hamlin correct he got that role in the end oh good um fairy godmother managing consultant oh uh is bella left bella's left yeah but she's not a fairy godmother well no she's not she's donkey isn't she she's the back end of the donkey um i kind of want to say ken desbury. No. Oh, no, it's a bit rough for a fairy godmother, isn't it? Could you say, Dad's been quite clever here, how he's kind of thread... Don't force us to feel a thing. How he's threaded this traditional tale in a business way. So you think it's an allegory?

So the fairy godmother is a management consultant. Right. Which is quite funny. I think the room begs to differ. Just skim over that is this player a Steeles employee yeah yeah everyone's a Steeles employee

just for clarity everyone's from Steeles just for clarity everyone's from Steeles but apparently the audience is made up of the general public because it's so exciting

that everybody wants to go it's also in the air isn't it the globe isn't it it's in the round it's open air so's open air, yeah. So for Christmas, that's quite extraordinary.

Bella? I can't think of any other women. It's Tony Sylvester as the fairy godmother managing consultant. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Prince Charming, a potential purchaser of the Troubled Company. Who's bloody gorgeous? Not Peter Rouse, is it?

Not Dave Wilcox. Think about the traditions of Panto. Oh, okay. Everyone's subvert. So Prince Charming is normally played by... A woman. Yeah, so who could that possibly be? Bella?

Bella is Prince Charming. Bella's Prince Charming? Yeah. I love that he's looking at it like, please use the logic of pantomime. Dandini, PA to Prince Charming. Oh, that's got to be Dave Wilcox. No, but close.

Ken Dewsbury. Ken Dewsbury. And the pantomime horse. Ian Snail. No. Too slow, too slow. There's also two of them. Oh, because it's a mule in two parts.

Well, who's left then? Dave Wilcox and Jim Thompson? Dave Wilcox, top. Bill from HR, bottom. Not head, but top. Top and bottom. I don't think Dad knows what that means. In the wider culture.

I was going to say, Bill from HR does good bottom energy. Do you think he doesn't know that? I would be surprised if... Maybe he does. He's a man of the world. Do you think you can be horse first? Where you could be top or bottom in the world. Or do you think it takes a certain type to play certain bits of the horse?

I suppose you could be either, yeah. I would argue that in a pantomime situation, the arse end is actually carrying a lot of the character work. Like, you're the sassy end, aren't you? Whereas the head is just sort of, like, keeping you on track. Oh, directing. Yeah, but, like, it's kind of like the straight player to the clown, you know? I was thinking that's a big role that Bill from HR could get a best supporting bottom.

He's a power bottom. Do you think you can have a dumb top in a horse? You'd just have this sort of like saggy, unresponsive bottom though, wouldn't you? With a really ostentatious top. I don't know, maybe. I've kind of lost what's metaphor and what is just talking about pantomime horses now. Anyway, that's pantomime horses ruined for everyone. Tick.

Okay. Just then, the lights went out and the overture of i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts played in the darkness give us a little blast of that um i've got a lovely bunch of coconuts copyright i hope it is that would get you in the spirit of things to be fair it's very bawdy very because that panto's very kind of as we discussed last week

loud colourful yeah yeah it's not an overture because an overture isn't just an instrumental version of a song no true

what is an overture overture's like a medley of all the songs it's like a mega mix but it's it's an instrumental it's normally for a musical it's the top of a musical

it like intros all the songs and it kind of it isn't the bottom it isn't the bottom it neatly weaves all the songs so it kind of... It isn't the bottom. It isn't the bottom. It neatly weaves all the songs. So he's just used that word because he thinks it sounds posh. Yeah. Fine.

I think we're going to get a lot of that tonight. Yeah, his idea of what words are that theatre people use is my new favourite genre of Rocky. When the curtain rolled up, there's my... There's not a curtain in the globe. I don't want to be picky, but there's not a curtain in the globe. What was it? Rolled up? Well, maybe they've got a blind.

I also think of it as like slats, you know, like the blinds in an office though. When the curtain rolled up, Des Martin was seen on stage, which was set exactly like the Steeles, Pots and Pans office. The budget for this, to rent the Globe, to set up a like-for-like replication. Well, they'll have just brought the stuff from the office, surely. The question, why not just do the show at the office?

That's true. It could have been more of an immersive experience. Yes, exactly, like Punch Drunk. Yeah, like you wander around the Steeles office, there's different scenes in different rooms. Immersive panto, No one's done that before. Hello, I'm Buttons. Hey. He said, you guys should be the audience, I feel.

You know the call and responses, Alice. You know it all. You'll have to lead the way, I think. I'm sure it'll be quite clear in the script. I claim to be a huge fan last episode, so let's say yes. Hello, I'm Buttons. Hello, Buttons. Okay okay that isn't in the script he said it's very sad here at steelus pannus that's a morose way to start what an anti-climactic

arrival hello i've got depression the company is on the blink and we are all sure to lose all our jobs. Oh, jeopardy immediately. The stakes are already high. Yeah, yeah. Belinda was stalking through the narrow corridors of backstage. It was, of course, Xmas time

and as such, very cold in the wings. It would be. It's open air. So freezing, in fact, that many of the actors had to get naked and engage in skin-to-skin contact just to keep warm between scenes that's bad logic i know you're going to say

that science and that huddling naked is what you know penguins do or whatever but surely keeping some thermals on is a better bet yeah as she meandered towards the stage meandered it's a live play your curtain call was five minutes ago she meandered to the walls of the stage for her grand entrance Belinda bore witness to Giselle and Tony

cuddle thrusting on top of some broken stage lamps don't say cuddle thrusting they're fucking aren't they yeah she smiled at his naked little bottom

pointed skyward she even saw a little puff of condensation as he farted James react I can't I don't ever want a little puff of condensation as he farted. James, react. I can't. I don't know if I want to. A puff of condensation? So like when you... No, we get it.

Don't need an explanation, darling. How do we get him to start reading again? Get on with it. It's when you fart in the cold. That's not a thing though, is it? Anyway, we'll move on. She then entered stage aft fully in character.

Stage what? Stage aft. What do you mean? That, I think... Shall I go? Oh, you know. Well, I think what he's done there is he's using what you would use on a ship. I've never heard aft on a ship.

Never heard that. Oh yeah, it's like, is aft left? What's port and starboard, top and bottom? Oh God, not this again. Something like that. Are you starboard? I'll never tell. Oh, so is aft not even on a ship?

Google it then. Aft, I've never heard of aft. Aft, no. Also, the one thing that non-stage people know about is that it's stage left and stage right. I don't know which one's which, but at least I know that's what they're called. Is it as you look at the stage? I mean, nothing's coming up. Google's like, did it's stage left and stage right i don't know which one's which but at least i know that's what they're called is it as you look at the stage nothing's coming up google's like did you mean stage left did you mean stage art did you mean stage lift

google like aft on a boat or something aft on a boat on a ship it'll be like well done this is the first time this has been googled here we go the rear of a ship at the direction of the ship's stern is called the aft oh it's the back of the ship okay so a ship at the direction of the ship's stern is called the aft. Eh? It's the back of the ship. Okay. So coming in from the back of the... Can you come from stage back?

Stage back! Stage back, please! So she entered stage aft fully in character. Oh, look, everyone! It's Cinderella the Intern! Yay! Buttons the Postboy shouted. Oh, hi, Buttons the post boy.

Is there any post for me to distribute around this failing company? Sadly, no, Buttons responded. But have you met my friends? I didn't know you had any friends, Button the paper boy. Oh, yeah, we should do that. that oh oh yes they are new to me as he pointed to the audience and i trust them all like the old friends they're not don't worry too long clunky belinda but we'll move on this is does belinda wrote it though belinda wrote it my darling belinda wrote it rocky my darling. Belinda wrote it, Rocky wrote it. I get confused.

Well, any friend of Buttons the paperboy is a friend of mine. Belinda boomed, projecting right to the back of the theatre where the royal box was. You really are the only soul who is kind to me. Ah, the audience aahed. Ah. Buttons blushed as Belinda turned to face the strangers in the darkness. Why, hello, boys and girls and adults aplenty. Oh, tremendous.

She slapped her thigh with vigour. That's a big trope, isn't it, of the old panto? Lovely little thigh slap. If you're doing two pantos a day for panto season, black and blue those thighs must be. Oh, yeah. You must alternate. Oh, yeah.

Right in the matinee. That's one of the rules in the theatre. So. Why, hello, boys and girls and adults aplenty. I'm Cinderella the intern. Hello, the monotone audience replied. Hello. That was rubbish.

I said, I'merella the intern hello the audience shouted back you're right there james i was gonna say cinderella the intern oh okay it's not in the script but you can if you wish do yourself so hello the audience shouted back really getting into the festive furtherment james too much in Just then, the ugly stepsisters of marketing and sales, so that's Sir James and Paddy, of course, bustled onto the stage.

You can't see Jamie's bustling, but it's very convincing. One had a dress made of newspaper cuttings. That would be marketing. The other of pacelets and remittance documents. Sales. That's a lovely touch. Chiara's outdone touch. That's Chiara. Chiara's outdone herself. Bustle, bustle, where is that little slut Cinderella the Intern?

Hey, hey, bustle, said Sir James. Don't really say that anymore, do we? Um, excuse me, ugly stepsister of marketing, Cinderella the Intern said. How dare you be so rude? Have you added the rude or was it spelled R-W-U-D-E? Rude. How dare you be so rude have you added the rude or is it spelled r w u d e how dare you be so rude how's that written does that have interest just just normal oh wow okay i've never seen jamie enjoy himself so much how dare you be so rude he's refusing to take it back do you know what the thing is obviously rocky's written this and obviously jamie has

famously lived with rocky for much of his life so this is in jamie somewhere yeah and i imagine of a christmas the flintstone children we used to put a lot of plays of course of course and i imagine they were long i imagine they are really fucking long yeah multiple costume changes musical numbers it was like Abbey Road. People came and went very, very frequently. So, how dare you be so rude? What, me? I said Sweet Fanny Adams.

Her stepsister said. Which just means nothing, doesn't it, for those listening from elsewhere or from modern times. Is that where F.A. comes from? Sweet F.A. I always thought it was Fuck All. Was it Fanny Adams? Is it Fanny Adams? Let me just check. Or does I always thought it was fuck all. Was it Fanny Adams? Is it Fanny Adams?

Let me just check. Or does Fanny Adams come from fuck all? Who's Fanny Adams? Who is this Fanny Adams and who is she playing in the panto? Let's see which came first. The Fanny or the fuck? Okay, so guys, gear change. This is actually really dark.

The expression sweet Fanny Adams was coined in 1869 by sailors in the Royal Navy who had a really macabre sense of humour and they likened the contents of their tinned meat to the remains of an eight-year-old girl who was murdered in the UK who was called Fanny Adams. Oh my God. How dark. For this... Alice, how rude.

How utterly rude. From this, it gradually became a euphemism for sweet nothing. These soldiers are cancelled. rude from this it gradually became a euphemism for sweet nothing these soldiers are cancelled we wouldn't survive in this day and age it sounds so cute but it's actually really horrid and dark oh my god also 1869 oh it's all linked it's all linked okay so not sure how we're going to come back from that one yeah okay well um suddenly fuck all, sweet fuck all wasn't so bad, was it? No, right? So she's like, how dare you be so rude? What, me?

I said sweet Fanny Adams. You called me a slut. Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did. Oh, no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did. Whatever, said the ugly stepsister of sales. We've got some precise hole punching for you today. I'm lost with who's saying what to who so Paddy is saying that

to cinders yeah cinders are the internet I mean I don't understand a rocky chapter in this rocky chapter is a play written by one of the characters so my brain has just turned to gravy panto inception yeah we've got some precise hole punching for you today you can punch my hole punching for you to do.

You can punch my hole anytime, if you know what I mean. Ha ha ha, slap. Why is everyone slapping their thigh? I thought there was only one character that slapped their thigh. Yeah, only one character does that. And also, punching someone's hole is not a euphemism. That sounds awful. Punch my hole?

Which hole? Neither's nice. Neither's nice. What happened last night? Well, she punched my hole. I'm so sorry. Is that fisting? What is that? Well, it could be the other hole. Neither's nice. What happened last night? Well, she punched my hole. I'm so sorry. Is that fisting? What is that?

Well, it could be the other hole. Oh, gosh. Is this a family panther? Yeah, don't you remember? Like, whole bunches of people from across the city are coming to watch it. The Queen's watching this. Punch my hole. That was my Queen impression.

Just then, Giselle, the wicked stepmother and MD of Steelus Pannus, dressed head hair to toenail in lycra, swooped onto the treaded boards. What? James, do you understand? Treaded boards? I just get so confused because there's so many stupid things. I get distracted and then I don't really understand what's happening. Can you just say that in plain English? No.

She's dressed head hair to toenail. No, no, in plain English. um she's dressed head hair to toenail no no in plain english so she's dressed from top to bottom yeah yeah in lycra yeah i think he might mean like pvc yeah like a black because she's able to cycle it so latex maybe oh latex is what he means yes she's come out in a full like biking outfit yeah she's cycling the tour de france um so she's swooped onto the treaded boards. You tread the boards. Yeah, they're not treaded. So she's just on the stage.

She's on the stage in Lycra. That's all you need to know. Head to toe. I'm sweating. This is so stressful. Oh, guys, audience boo-ists. Boo! Boo!

I said boo. The audience giddily exclaimed, Oh, shut up, you measly little cretins. Snipped Giselle, enjoying the role a little too much. The writing in this show. Oh, it's like listening to Sorkin, isn't it? The dialogue. It's so lifelike.

It has got a pinter quality to it. It does. It's got a rhythm. Yeah. So specific. Girls, girls, she said to the ugly sisters make sure this lazy intern does your work immediately now be gone and sort out that strategy meeting this is like so difficult because obviously we're following the cinderella story there's quite a lot of obviously entrepreneurial

business stuff laid on top of it and obviously all of the characters do all of the traits of each other so you can't really work out who's doing what. But cool. Yeah. Carry on. It's a relaxing Christmas read. It's really hard to read, actually. I'm getting a headache. Everyone except Giselle leaves Stageport. It's not a ship.

And if it's a ship, it's sinking. It'd be Titanic the other day. Iceberg, iceberg. I am the wicked stepmother of that lazy lump of flesh and bones, Cinderella the Intern. As MD of... Oh, boo his. Oh, boo his. As MD of Steelers Banners,

I am hell-bent on plunging the company into the black. I hate to interrupt. Into the black is good. Into the red is bad. I'm pretty sure we've talked about this before Plunging the company into profit I hate to nitpick I am hellbent on plunging the company into the black I won't rest until it is in liquidation

Like Northern Rock Or a Slim Fast Vanilla Milkshake Some contemporary reference. Always a contemporary reference in a panther. Yeah. Maybe like a pop star reference. Although Northern Rock and Slim Fast are not the most up to date. They're contemporary for Flintstone, to be fair.

Northern Rock, that was the... The first bank to collapse, right? In the financial crisis. So that was 2008. Slim Fast, I don't even know when the last time I saw Slimfast. I've not seen that since the 90s. Bankruptcy or bust. But shh, it's our little secret.

This is always the stressful bit of a panto because you as the audience know their intention. But those characters on stage have no idea. Dramatic irony. There you go, that's it. James Allen. Hiss boo. But shh, it's our little secret.

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and what's happening off stage. So one bit's a script and one bit is a sort of commentary on the play happening. It's very complex. Yeah, this must have taken him minutes. Generally, the more complicated, the less time it's taken him. So she looked down at her crotch.

It felt like the damp patch at the back of her cock cage cupboard her cock cage cupboard i know what a cock cage is what's a cock please enlighten some people wear a kind of device around their cock cock it's a cage this cage and it's um a sort of chastity device and they give the key to somebody else and then they're only allowed access to what's inside the cage when their master or dom allows it. Can you put your trousers on over it? I don't have one. Either what goes in a cage or the cage.

So I don't know. I mean, I presume that it's... You go about your day-to-day business while it's on. I don't think it's a practical item. I think it's more of a sex game. Which we know Belinda is a huge fan of. I'm just popping out, darling. You got your cock cage on?

Yes, don't worry. She's got a whole fucking cupboard full of them. So basically her crotch is damp. Oh, okay. Oi, Bella, can you do me a favour? She whispered as Bella zoomed past her, half in costume, half in skin. Quick change.

She's doing a quick change. What? Bella attempted to whisper. Yeah, good job. As her loose tits flew wildly in her haste. Sniff and lick me and tell me if this is piss or cum. What the fuckity fuck? Who said that?

Bella said that to Belinda? Belinda said that. Oh, about the wet patch? Sniff and lick me and tell me... If it's piss or cum. Sorry, he's written me twice. Sniff and lick me and tell me if me me, if it's piss or cum.

Alice, would you join me in a boo hiss? Boo hiss! We're not on stage. That's revolting. And also, I think she's well within her rights to say no. Your mind is nowhere near your body out there, you see. So she's either pissed or cum on stage and she doesn't know which one. Quite different and, I would argue, quite easy to recognise.

Bella gummed a gooey grin and... Gummed. Thumbed, gummed, fingered. Gummed a gooey grin. It's one of those who smiles if you can't see her teeth? You just see her gum. If you've got a gummy smile, Merry Christmas. So Bella gummed a gooey grin

and twizzled her tongue around Belinda's pussy pouch. Definitely Bartholin's gland activity, Belinda. Yummy scrummy in my tummy Sorry, I just met your eyes Bartholomew's what? Bartholin's gland God, it's never off Google This is a glam that's full of cum or a glam that's full of piss

Bartholin's I presume the first one We don't know which one it is Bartholin's what? Cum gland? Bartholin's gland Okay, I'll take guesses before I press So do you think piss or do you think cum? We don't know which one it is. Bartholin's what? Cum gland. Bartholin's gland. Okay, I'll take guesses before I press. So do you think pear's, or do you think cum?

I think cum. Oh, she thinks cum. I'm going to go with cum as well. Okay, the Bartholin's glands secrete fluid that acts as a lubricant during sex. So neither of you are right, because cum's not a lubricant, is it? Well, I suppose in the male sense no but like like women it's slightly different like why does it suddenly feel like news now well i suppose if you're looking at it from the female perspective well it just makes things sexual excitement yes secretes like yes stop it is that i don't want this conversation it is like it's christmas don't ruin it juices like useful juices um you see juices so definitely bartholin's

gland activity belinda yummy scrammy in my tummy that is one way to make a woman dry up by saying bartholomew's gland activity or whatever she's a bloody crisp now guys follow the signs. What can I say? The relief sent Belinda back to backstage. Bella! You aren't dressed as Prince Charming! To the costume arena quick! We're mid-show! The costume arena? So sorry, she's come off stage.

How many fucking costumes are there? Is this a fashion show or a panto? The girls laughed so much that they had to be shushed by the militant queueress in the right wing. All right, Mavis, Belinda snapped. Mavis the Q-mistress. Eat a chill pill, God, Bella added.

This is a toxic work environment. There is a play, almost a mere metres away, and you're stood at the aft of stage. God, like licking vaginas and yelling the most offensive bit is the shouting as you all know as a former theatre member

you can't it's just a complete disrespect to your audience and to your fellow cast members absolutely the licking of the vagina is fine just keep it down

exactly also eat a chill pill stupid one stupid one hours later the panto was wrapping up. Oh, thank God.

Is that it? Is that all we're getting? Hours later. How many intervals were there? I've had enough, thanks. Bella's Prince Charming was straddling his noble steed as he came to the rescue of Steelus Pannus. Bella sat on the panto horse, okay. Where's Bill from HR from, do we think?

Where's he from? I think this was the early days of Mad Album at Porno before you were doing voices. No, it was, yeah. Because he's quite boring, maybe just use your voice. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, just flat, monotone. Hurry up, top half.

I'm wearing your arse like a balaclava. Bill from HR hissed at Dave Wilcox. He doesn't have to insert his head into his anus. It's not like human centipedes. I guess you've got your hands on their waist and you're like the length of your arms. It's a very intimate role when you think about it. Really intimate.

Especially if people are like popping in the background like earlier on. It's like Strictly Come Dancing. Do you think many people get divorced when they're the pantomime horse? The curse of the pantomime horse? Yeah. It's famous, the pantomime horse curse.

I was going to say, is it? I've never heard of that many couples break up at Christmas time because it's kind of foreplay that you're performing it's very intimate yeah it's an intimate role and you get very close

to your partner your co-horse you can't go back after that can you? you can't be platonic after that once you've worn their arses

a balaclava that is it hurry up top half I'm wearing your arse like a balaclava Bill from HR hissed at Dave Wilcox Bella was loving That is it. Hurry up, top half. I'm wearing your arse like a balaclava. Bill from HR hissed at Dave Wilcox. Bella was loving riding the two boys and made sure she grinded good and low,

smearing her open vag on them both. Equity would not approve of this. They certainly would not. There must be something in a theatrical contract somewhere that says vag juice. This isn't a unionised production, I don't think. Oh, okay, right. This is not a union. Now then! don't think. Oh, okay, right. This is not a union.

Now then! Bella boomed, taking off her glass boots. Glass boots? They're certainly not a health and safety issue. Is she having to walk very lightly? How old is Bill from HR?

Because he's carrying Bella in glass boots. That's quite a lot of weight. Also, I think we need Bill from HR right now. Can we check out some of these systems that are in place? Bella took off her glass boots. That's quite a lot of weight. Also, I think we need Bill from HR right now. Can we check out some of these systems that are in place? Bella took off her glass boots.

Who can I play FTSE 100 with to save the company? Are we back on stage? Yeah, I think we're on stage. This is dialogue. Yes. And that's a twist on playing FTSE. Yes, I guess. The FTSE 100, which is...

The British Stock Exchange? Yeah. I quite like that. Backstage. We're back backstage. Backstage, Belinda was in thinking mode. Oh, Christ. This never ends well.

Take cover, everyone. It incurred to her. Incurred? Move on. It incurred to her she had never cared or even noticed who she found attractive on the planet we all live in. Boobs, balls, everything or nothing, she loved the beautiful buffet of life.

Well, that's true of Belinda. Well, what was that quote from a previous... Labels are for gifts under the tree, not for those who are sexually free. Right. That's her. She was an open all-hours campsite. Oh my God. Where anyone could pitch their tent or snuggle in her sleeping bag, whatever the weather.

Quite a good analogy, actually. And there was something about Sir James in an ostentatious, garish and quite disgusting full-body ball dress that turned her pussy lids from tight to baggy. She's like you. She loves a dame. As he puffed a cigar by the winching ropes, she made her move. Not safe to be smoking by the winching ropes because if you get several of those on fire,

some of the set's going to drop on someone's head. A famous rule, do not smoke by the winching ropes. Add that one to the list, please. At least that one makes sense. Hello, boss. You're an amazing performer. I mean, it is a turn-on when you see someone perform. If they're good.

Oh, God, yeah, if they're good. If they're bad, you're like, holy fucking shit. Didn't you just witness his performance? What are you talking about? Oh, thank you, Cinderella. I'm method, if you don't mind. Not boss. It's Little Miss Ugly.

So already broken the method by saying, I'm doing the method, by the way. Belinda took each tit out of her cloth blouse. Sir James's face turned from red to roasting. Not a colour change. He felt her... Already red. From red to the same. He felt her left breast in his hand. I'd say that's a solid

Seven pounds LB Seven pounds And then LB so seven pounds pounds Seven pounds pounds I'd say that's a solid seven pounds LB My father ran a sweetie shop In Harrogate as a boy And it was my job to weigh the boiled rhubarb

And custard I can't even deal with that but seven pounds pounds, like you say, is like massively... That's like baby weight. That's a healthy baby. She has two healthy babies strapped to her chest. Hey, guys, they can be heavy. Oh, Sir James. I mean, Little Miss Ugly.

Would you like to lick them? They're quite the gobstoppers, you know. Oh, she's carrying on the sweet shop. Kind of theme. Very nice, very nice, very gross, very gross. Yes, she's carrying on the sweet shop. Right. Kind of theme. Very nice. Very nice. Very gross. Very gross. Yes. They truly are bon bon.

Oh, God. Bon bon. Oh. This is written... The disappointment. Merry Christmas. Bon ador. This is better than the script on stage. Get them saying this.

Maybe Sir James Godwin should have written the panto. Well, quite. Also, grew up in Harrogate. Why the fuck does he talk like that it's like you sir james gorged on belinda's snow globes after three and a third gorged what's he doing chewing on do not chew breasts in the wings it is a rule of theater certainly not by the winching ropes you know like when you're in the audience, sometimes if you're sat further to the sides, you can see into the wind.

Oh, yeah. Can you imagine? I thought this was restricted view. I can fucking see everything. Yeah, the primary school that have been shipped into this, like, what? After three and a third minutes of gobbling, he came up for breath.

He hocked up his frilly skirts and produced his 26,645 day-aged beef oh that's how old he is in days do we actually know this shall i do that oh do the maths yeah how many days 26,645 day-aged beef he's 73 he's 73 it's his birthday i think it's to the day you just feel like rocky googles 73 he could have added an extra day on it couldn't he what are the chances so he produced his 26,645 day aged beef i hate the idea that it's aged because obviously aged beef is like hung isn't it and sort of like dried yeah well quite imagine it aged after 26,000 days

Belinda took it in her mouth and swirled her tongue around the head okay wow sometimes it's visceral and other times you don't know what he's talking about it was full body and flavour gamey and strong. Flavour?

Well, it's jerky, isn't it, by now? It's built on. Just then, Mavis the queue mistress pulled aside the curtain, her hair frazzled and specks wonky. Cinderella! There you are, you stupid intern. You're due on stage for your big number. You too, little Miss Ugly.

Mavis has got her work cut out with this. It must be like herding cats. It's not worth the pay grade, is it? Screaming and causing a scene.

Screaming. The actors gathered their fabrics and ran, fell to the stage. This is like a dagger through Jamie's heart. As a former Vesp,

you must be like, this is such bad behaviour. Yeah, just get your shit together and get on stage. Inside voices, everybody. As they stumbled into the limelight... Stumbled from the second you're in, the wings you're on.

He's fucking method. And he's been sucking the tits. As they stumbled into the limelight, they saw their desperate colleagues ad-libbing for the Norse gods. Oh, because they're keeping them waiting. Also, the poor fucking audience. This has been going on for hours. Do not let any employee of Steel's Pots and Pans improv, for God's sake.

Steelers Pannus, please. Thank God. Sister Marketing, is that a jumbo whiteboard marker in your dress or are you just happy to be here? Said Paddy. This is chaos. What are you talking about? Eyes bulging at Sir James's erect bulge.

So he's got an erection sticking out of the dress. Lovely. He's got layers and layers of gown on, as we've established. Okay. That aged beef is big. It really is hung. Sir James curtsied to the cheering crowd. Don't bend down, for God's sake.

God knows what else will drop out. See all the crowds of cheer. Come on. Yay! Is that an erection? Just then, Giselle entered from the back of stage. Why is she coming from the back? Oh, she's behind you.

You have to shout. Oh. She's behind you! The audience chorused amid the boos. So, Al, do you want to boo? Okay. James, you shout. Okay. And James, you shout. Okay.

And I'll join you. Okay. Boo! She's behind you! And after a hilarious bit of the script and amazing acting, Belinda...

Which you can't be asked to write right now. Belinda proved she was the best at playing the FTSE 100 and saved the day. Oh, wow. That's the end.

Like, we've just raced through the most important part of the play, really. Ha, ha, cinderella the intern laughed at her ugly stepsisters i win you lose hit it boys it's the big. The opening bars of the iconic Big Fat Mamas are back in style again. Big Fat Mamas are back in style. Are back in style again by Dana Gillespie. What? It's my favourite Dana Gillespie track.

I began playing. Oh my God. We have to listen to it. Right, hang on. my favourite Dana Gillespie track. Because I began playing. Oh my God. We have to listen to it. Right, hang on. Dana? Dana Gillespie. Dana? Surely Dana.

Sorry, Dana. So D-A-N-A. So we're going to listen, but obviously we don't have the rights to play this. Oh yeah. Okay. So I suggest everyone listen to this. It's on Spotify. I've just found it.

Should we have a moment of silence while everyone listens? Can you post it, James, for us? Of course. Many thanks. I mean, I'm not too worried about Dana Gillespie coming for us. You don't know Dana. She's a very litigious woman. Okay, are you ready?

Oh my God. I would actually listen to that. I love that. Once again, Rocky's introduced us to a fantastic track that we didn't know about. It's very Christmassy. It's very sort of big band. It's kind of, is it jazzy? I don't know. It's like jazzy? I don't know.

I don't know, but we've been sleeping on Dana Gillespie. Do you guys know who she is? I've just found a picture of her. Oh! Is she still alive? Yeah. She looks a bit like me. Guys, could you imagine if she got to Christmas number one? Let's all listen to it.

What was it called? Big Fat Mamas Are Back In Style. Again. That would make her Christmas. She's not like Herb Alpert-ish. She isn't like a huge Grammy-winning star. Well, probably, knowing us. Do you remember when we did that? Yeah.

Okay, it's not going to happen, but try and listen to Big Fat Mamas Are Back In Style and let's see if we can get Dana back up the charts where she belongs. Oh my goodness. Let's make sure that Dana Gillespie is back in style. Again. I've just found her album

that Big Fat Mamas Are Back In Style is on. Yeah yeah uh the album's called Hot Stuff of course so the whole album I think is appropriate yeah it's from 1995 oh it sounds much older than that yeah it does I mean you gotta love some of these titles fat meat is good meat fat meat fat meat is good meat sure okay it's true I do love the fat I love skin of a chicken. I bet that's what it's about. It's literal. It couldn't be about anything else. Pencil thin papa. He hasn't been eating his fat.

Is it a story? By the end, he's eating his fat. It's like a down. You can't skip it. You've got another second order. Meat on their... She's obsessed with meat. Meat on their bones.

I think pencil thin papa will be a lament. Yeah. Digging my potatoes. To go with the meat. Meat and their bones. I think Pencils and Papa will be a lament. Yeah. Digging my potatoes. To go with the meat. Meat and potatoes. Guys, there's 20 tracks of gold here. I'm going home and playing the whole... It's all kill or no filler when it comes to Dana.

I'm just researching it. Sorry, this woman's amazing. She has had love affairs with the following people. Go on. Mick Jagger. Jesus. Sean Connery. Haven't we all?

Bob Dylan. Oh my God. David Bowie. In Beckenham. Weirdly. What do you mean? I'm sorry. Sean Connery. Haven't we all? Bob Dylan. Oh my God. David Bowie in Beckenham, weirdly. What do you mean? I'm sorry. In Beckenham. Where you live? Yes.

You know David Bowie's from Beckenham. His first ever gig was in, is actually now a, I think it's a ZZ's. Yeah, there's a plaque, isn't there? Yeah. So Dana Gillespie could have been in this house. She could have bonked her way with her big meat and potatoes in this building. God, she's she's had them all

so I guess what we're saying is we have done it again where we're suggesting that we're introducing people to Dana Gillespie and everyone's going to be like she's a well-known legend great

just imagining the staff of Steeles Pots and Pans performing that song brings a tear to my eye you know when people talk about seminal gigs I mean this is what it'll be like I think it was just

a Belinda solo actually I think to honour Rocky if you can get that on this Christmas day. Yeah. You know, whilst you're cooking. Yeah, while you're doing your roast dinner. While you're getting your meat ready. Yeah, exactly. Or your potatoes. Da, da,

da, da, da, da, da. It's great. Send us your videos of you dancing to it. Oh my goodness. Waft your fatty meat in our face and we'll post it. We'd love to see it. Well, speaking of that, Belinda wiggled her ass around the stage. I bet she did. It's hard not to to that song.

With the wiggle of an aspic treat. And she belted out the lyrics like she was a finalist on The Sex Factor. He's a bit obsessed with aspic. What is aspic? It's that meat jelly that we talked about before. Do you remember? Funnily enough, I let her block that out. After the extended standing applause, Prince Charming spoke.

Evil stepmother, MD. You will be investigated by the regulatory watchdog body of insider tradings and practices. They are based in Cheadle Hume and show no mercy side. There's a lot going on here. Oh, Cheadle Hume, I guess it's Liverpool. I don't think it is. But was that the joke he was trying to do?

Oh, they'll show no Mersey side. The audience laughed. Generous, more generous than James Nairn. I hope you have a good corporate insurance package. The audience laughed harder because they were all in business themselves and knew this was funny and true, which made it all the more funnier. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm so sorry. The makeup of the audience is predominantly business people. So from other companies, they've come to see this deals, but not kitchenware people even, just from the world of business. Lord Sugar, Richard Branson, the Queen, all watching this. So this is an industry event Elon Musk Jeff Bezos

he'll be like I've smoked too much weed over the stepsisters boohooing Buttons addressed the audience with a plum not with a plum

with a plumber oh he probably did do it with a plum that's quite a good gag isn't it yeah with a plum so Cinderella the intern

saved the day by banishing the baddies far away. The company was saved when the receivers caved and all were happy and gay. It's quite good, that. I do not understand the plot of this pantomime. Oh, I was just listening to the rhythm. Oh, right.

He managed to do a rhyme is kind of what I meant. Yeah, no, I have no idea. Where did this regulatory stuff come from? I don't know. I thought it was about glass boots when the cars took their bows belinda couldn't help but feel if this whole businesswoman caper fell into the sea she could make it on the glittering floorboards of broadway i'm not sure that's true don't give up the day job. Just then, her soaking eyes... Oh, she's crying. She'd be crying.

Her soaking eyes met with another's on the first row. Is it Dana Gillespie? To standing. Thank you for that, Belinda. Thank you. What a tribute. I don't like people covering my songs, but that was beautiful. Geramima, St. Frost first,

beamed deep into her balls of sight. Her eyeballs. So Geramima was obviously her acting coach who helped her become a spy. Her mentor. Yeah. Kind of, she's sort of Geramima's protege. Bravo, uncle, get fucking in.

She gushed, clapping so much, her shawls created a vortex of wind and weather. Her shawls? Oh, yeah, she was very layered, wasn't she? Can you imagine how livid you'd be if you were sat next to her for the whole performance? You'd be like, can you shut up? Who's this woman who'd create her own microclimate?

You're a bloody great actress, fill in the bloom and fall. She yelled over the footlights. A thespian with a capital T-H-E-S-P-I-A-N-N for the love of Scylla. Give her an Oscar. Someone left Cat's Lock on. Oscar for what? Maybe it's for the screenwriting. It left Cat's Lock on. Oscar? For what?

Maybe it's for the screenwriting or the... It's not a screenplay. You would assume. So you're right. Out of all of this, we must get that correct. So yeah, for the love of Cilla, give her an Oscar. Cilla Black, do your research if you need to. Belinda Mouth.

Stop. As fake snow began falling from the ceiling of the ancient theatre. Cilla Black do your research if you need to Belinda Mouth stop as fake snow began falling from the ceiling of the ancient theatre there is no ceiling no ceiling it's probably just snow

what a fantastic visual effect oh wait no it's snow this feels like real rain there was a boozy atmosphere and as big fat

mummers are back in style again boomed again from the beatboxes what there are beatbox again, boomed again from the beatboxes. What? There are beatboxers? It just boomed from the beatboxes. What's a beatbox?

Speakers. Yeah. Boombox. But they're not playing the music from a boombox. The globe isn't like, the sound of the globe isn't just loads of... Stereos. It's like a ghetto blaster wired together.

Big fat mummers are back in style again, boomed again from the beatboxes and Belinda filled her lungs. Thank you for coming. Thank you for clapping. We've been the Steels, Pots and Players. Merry Xmas world. Merry Xmas.

And that is the end of the chapter wow do you know what I think they've done they've loaded the end with all the like memorable stuff

who's they Rocky and Belinda the Steel Spots and Players or whatever they're called so like you kind of forget all the shit before it because the end was so like euphoric.

So great, right. Which is a bit like what Rocky's done with part one and part two. Yes. Part two was such a riot of fun and excitement. Part one, as we've said before, was like quite a lot of the logistics. Exactly.

I feel like the minute Dana Gillespie starts playing, it's onto a winner. He's gone for halfway between Dana and Dana, hasn't he? Dana. Yeah, I was going to say Dan Gillespie leads the way with to the feeling I think don't get the two confused not affiliated

okay they are actually my favourite my dad wrote a porno moment there's just something that says now it's time to celebrate Christmas about these specials Alex do you feel festive now

my god I do I don't eat meat but I'm going to go get some fatty meat after this and just gorge and don't forget you can get your tickets to our live show

we don't know when we're going to be doing it again, so please do come and see it. It's going to be really, really fun. It will be better than that, I promise. Will it? There won't be any noise backstage. That we can guarantee.

And probably our sound will be better than coming out of ghetto blasters. Or individual beatboxers. Quite. Although I may prepare a rendition of Big Mama's. Back inside again. Add it to the pre-show playlist for sure. Oh yes, lovely. Maybe we should, that should be the thing that is played before we come out on stage.

So if you want to come into a theatre and listen to a song before a show, then you really should go to My Dad Wrote a Porno Live. Tickets are available at mydadwroteporno.com slash live. And do please keep in touch with us over the festive period. Let us know what you're getting up to, where you're maybe you received something rocky flintstone or my dad wrote a porno related we love to see that yes your dana gillespie videos obviously absolutely sorry i just can't stop talking about her i'm obsessed no she's great right and maybe you've been in some kind of um christmas production like the flintstones put on little email to us much

yeah that's my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com at mydadwrotea on Instagram at dadwroteaporno on Twitter and we'll see you next year on the road. Merry Christmas World! Happy Holidays! Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing.

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