My Dad Wrote A Porno - S1E1 - 'The Job Interview'

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

In the very first episode, we meet our heroine, Belinda Blumenthal, as she interviews for the job of her dreams - worldwide sales director of a pots and pans company. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically all the good stuff. Jamie, why are we here? We're here because my dad's written a porno. Your dad's written a porno? Erotic literature. Why? Why?

James, Alice, thanks very much for doing this with me. No problem, Jamie. There aren't that many people I would want to be sat around a kitchen table with reading out my dad's erotic literature. I can't believe we made the cut. Well, we go back a long way, Alice, what can I say? I can't trust this sort of material with my new friends so guys this podcast is gonna be pretty simple it's basically gonna be me and you two and i'm gonna be reading a chapter a week of my dad's porno novel what's it called well do you

want the full title yes because it is called belinda blinkinked. Belinda Blinked. Belinda Blinked. Is that her name? Belinda's her name. Hot. Yeah, it's a sexy name, isn't it? I think dinner lady. And then I think, what's she going to do? What's she going to serve up, this sexy dinner lady?

I don't know whether he's confused winking and blinking, because blinking isn't the most sexy. No, that makes me think like ophthalmic issue. It's not very alluring, is it? I think cataract. To blink at someone. And maybe just because of the alliteration, he wanted it to be B. And there's no other word that begins with B.

So blinked. But the real title, to give it its full title, is Belinda Blinked 1. A modern story of sex, erotica and passion. one a modern story of sex erotica and passion how the sexiest sales girl in business earned her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels at removing her high heels that's the title yes i thought that was the blurb no that's the title he's used up a lot of his word count there hasn't he just couldn't get that on twitter i don't know how i'd feel if my dad wrote porn i don't know how i'd feel if anyone i knew wrote porn weirdly i don't feel that on Twitter. I don't know how I'd feel if my dad wrote porn. I don't know how I'd feel if anyone I knew wrote porn. Weirdly, I don't feel that weird about it,

which people are quite surprised about. Evidently, you're like broadcasting it. I'm loving it. Well, I do think it's great that he feels comfortable enough to share his innermost fantasies with the world. He heard about the success of, as he says 50 colors of gray 50 shades i don't think he actually read it i just think he heard that it was very successful i think he got a bootleg copy him and my mum have both been quite into the self-publishing oh goodness i didn't

know how that sentence was gonna end and they got a bit carried away and they they started off doing like little travel guides and now they've gone into porn. Well, he's gone into porn. Mum's very much against it. That's the problem with self-publishing, isn't it? There's no quality control. Anyone can do anything. What are you suggesting, James? It's not quality literature? I'm suggesting we're on a rollercoaster ride of quality.

I think it's a bit of fun, isn't it? For a 60-year-old man to just write about... So the 60-year-old man in question is your dad. Yeah. We will be referring to him by his pen name. His pen name is Rocky Flintstone. How that wasn't taken. Close my mind.

And if you Google Rocky Flintstone, he's the first hit. How did he come to that? Well, I think he's a fan of the Flintstones. And maybe the newly Rocky. But Rocky Flintstone, it is quite poor. So mine will be Matilda Doubtfire. Yeah, if you will. We didn't grow up on a street called Flintstone.

And we didn't have a pet called Rocky. So I don't know where he's got it from. But it kind of works. But he will be referred to henceforth by that name. As Rocky. Or Mr. Flintstone. To admirers. So you're cool with it.

How does your mum feel about it? Mum's less cool about it. Definitely. Mum's like this uber feminist and she is not happy. I think she's mainly unhappy that people are going to think it's about her. Or about... Oh, she's Belinda. Well, I want to say right here, right now, she is not, and she has made that very clear.

I have so many questions. Yeah. So when you first presented this work of art to us... We should say, I have three sisters, and my dad decided to give me, as the only son, the preview pages of Belinda Blinked, and I had to share it with you guys. The minute I started to read it.

In fact what an inheritance. Seriously you can't tax that. It was brilliant. It was Christmas wasn't it? We were having a Christmas dinner and you thought it was wise to bring the draft copy. Well we'd had quite a few bottles of wine and I thought you know what this party's going nowhere so let's let's get rocky above. We haven't actually read anything beyond the first chapter well we've read the preliminary draft we haven't actually heard the finished product how that can be polished i don't know it was a work of art it was the version i've heard should not be altered apart from the odd typo rocky leave it it's perfect so am i right in thinking that this is in no way autobiographical? Correct.

But your dad has drawn perhaps on some of his fantasies, is it fair to say? I think that's fair to say. That's why I think you should feel uncomfortable. So, should we read the blurb? Oh my goodness, we haven't even got to the blurb. I know, seriously. Okay, ready? Belinda Blumenthal...

Can we stop there? That is the least sexy name I've ever heard in my life. Again, I think I'm sensing a theme. Belinda Blumenthal. Belinda Blumenthal Belinda Blumenthal gets exciting solicited sex regularly so regularly in fact

she makes big bonuses from it based in London UK Belinda works for Steeles Pots and Pans as their worldwide sales director whoa whoa whoa rewind rewind what?

Pots and Pans Pots and Pans again it is the sexiest of industries I don't think if you work in pots and pans you call them pots and pans i feel like there's a more official title like you'd work in kitchenware hi i'm head of pots and pans for a major distributor well she's a sales director so she doesn't work directly with the pots or pans to be fair apologies she's just you're, it is sexy. Sorry. What kind of men

work in the pots and pans business? I think we're about to find out. Sexually supported by Giselle and Bella, her head office colleagues, Belinda always gets the order when it comes down to the bare facts.

The client base is large, so Belinda has the whole world to fuck. And boy, does she get stuck into it. Okay, so this is the so Belinda has the whole world to fuck and boy does she get stuck into it. Okay, so this is the first... This is the blurb. We haven't even bought the book yet. Oh my goodness. This is the first book

in the Belinda Blinked series. This is the first book? It's a series. Of how many? I mean, the sky's the limit. Oh my god, I'm so excited. I'm so optimistic. Dad wants to do... He wants them to be a series like um belinda blinked in saudi arabia north korea i think he's interested in mixing his two passions belinda and travel so this is going to be a franchise oh yeah he's going to be on oprah

in no time this is the first book in the belinda Blink series where she gets hired by Tony, her managing director, and then goes on to make some sales, headway by bringing on board a large European customer, Peter Rouse. Or Peter Rouse. Oh, maybe it is Rouse. Peter Rouse. And makes his initial inroads to the North American market,

through Jim Sterling. Has he accidentally copied and pasted some business blurb in there. When he was telling me about how he was going to market Belinda Blinked 1 on any sort of internet search, the keywords are lesbian, erotica and business and leadership. That are going to be reams of students on business studies going oh my god belinda blinked so i take off my blouse it's like you've just looked in my search history read about the sexual conquest these men make and how the mysterious duchess

makes belinda alive i'm excited about the duchess a sec. Is it the conquest of the men or is it about Belinda and also the Duchess? Oh my God. And how the mysterious Duchess makes Belinda alive to the sexual fantasies of the hot riding set through supple black riding boots,

jodhpurs and leather-handled whips. So this turns into kind of an equestrian... I think on one side he's got E.L. James, the other side, Jilly Cooper. I think that's where he's mainly....L. James the other side Jilly Cooper I think that's where he's mainly

and on the other side a kind of like business user manual and Fred Flintstone okay so shall we go for it shall we do chapter one oh my god

we are going to stop you Jamie you can't stop me too much though because you know there's a rhythm to these things so what's chapter one called

chapter one is called the job interview nothing sexy about that this is I feel like this is going to be you know you haven't a rhythm to these things. So what's chapter one called? Chapter one is called The Job Interview. Nothing sexy about that. This is, I feel like this is going to be, you know. You haven't been applying for the right jobs, James. Okay, are we ready? No, I'm not. I don't know if we are.

Take us for a good beer, Alice. Okay, so Belinda Blinked. Chapter one, The Job Interview. Belinda blinked Sorry So that's why it's called Belinda Blinked I still don't have much light on the subject to be honest Belinda blinked It wasn't a dream

The job interviewer had just asked her to remove her jacket and silk blouse What a great dream that would be The managing director across the desk Who had innocently brought her through from reception What a great dream that would be. Okay, right. Let's pause for thought. Let's stop there. Why is she wearing an ill-fitting bra? I don't think that it's ill-fitting so much as her breasts are so ginormous that it's it's working hard to contain them it's working hard though it's not failing it's in overtime i've got this image

i've just got this image of them kind of i don't know spilling out kind of muffin top situation bulging many women as trinny and sus taught us, are wearing the wrong size bra, so maybe Rocky saw that all those years ago and is kind of weaving that into the narrative. A bit of social commentary on the way that women dress. I like that. Also love the use of brassiere because bra, not as sexy

as brassiere. I mean, to me, so far nothing's been sexy. What are you talking about? She blinked right at the beginning. Her black brassiere was doing overtime to contain her full breasts. She had worn this one for today as it was tight-fitting on purpose. She never thought it would be exposed in such a simple way. Pause.

So it's been exposed in a simple way. The only way to expose something by taking away the thing that has concealed it until now. I mean, I think maybe he's getting at the fact that, you know, it wasn't an elaborate situation that got rid of the garment. She was asked to do it. She did it. It was simple. She's just sat there in a bra.

This is just bizarre. The MD got up and took her blouse and jacket. He hung them onto one of two elegant wooden coat racks in the corner and sat back down. What next, Belinda thought. The interviewer resumed his questioning of her CV, and after about five minutes, asked her to remove her knee-length skirt. Belinda stood up, removed the offending garment,

and passed it with some surprise to the MD. Surprise! She's removed everything else. Why is she not questioning any of this? The offending garment? She's removed everything else. Why is she not questioning any of this? Why does she not... The offending garment. She's got a skirt on. Underneath, she was wearing a skimpy black thong

and sexy black stockings, which she didn't apologise for. The number of times I've felt the need to apologise and I just haven't about my skimpy underwear. After all, she was an upmarket woman.

I mean, we've established this. Every upmarket woman removes all of we've established this. Every upmarket woman removes all of her clothes in a job interview. Belinda has class. That's what we're getting at. She does.

She's a classy lady. She sat down again and crossed her long legs. She knew they looked good but she really felt she wanted to keep her private pussy area hidden. I'm sorry what?

That's like three words for genitals. Her private pussy area. Private pussy area. Also, what's a public pussy area? And also, what's area? How much land does that cover? A private pussy area.

That could be from knee to hip. Belinda leaned back on the white leather seat and started to gently sweat. Erotic. Oh. Nothing sexier than a sweaty lady. After a further ten minutes of questioning, the MD got up and walked around to gently sweat. Erotic. Oh. Nothing sexier than a sweaty lady. After a further ten minutes of questioning, the MD got up and walked around to Belinda.

He gently pulled her stockings down to her ankles. He removed her bright red high heels and stuffed the stockings inside them. Oh, my God. They were placed under the coat rack by the interviewer. Belinda was now feeling exposed. Because her socks have gone. She's now exposed.

Now she's exposed. She's a classy lady, I think. She doesn't like those calves to have a chill. Belinda was now feeling exposed. With only a bra and thong left, she thought total nakedness was not far away. Or nakedness, as it's called. And then what?

And then what? Her skin? They're going to shave her head? Shave her private pussy area. Oh, my God. Then it would be a public pussy area. I'm starting to gently sweat now. I don't know what I'm doing. The MD then surprised her by saying they wanted to offer her the job as a sales director.

Look at her. That surprised me. Fantastic. I love that she's the same level of surprised that she got the job as when she's being asked to strip. She's just like constantly surprised. Is that the only reason that she got the job as sales director? Well, this is the question. I feel like that's what's going to develop.

Oh, hang on. I didn't finish the sentence. Oh. The MD then surprised her by saying they wanted to offer her the job as their sales director today on completion of a few further details. Oh, that's going to be something sexy, surely. Belinda was surprised. Oh, that's going to be something sexy, surely. Belinda was surprised. Oh, surprise, surprise. Belinda was surprised as the job was worth £85,000

a year, plus the car and all the travel perks, so she nodded her head. Didn't even say yes, just nods her head. Why did she say passive? Just say great, dream job, brilliant. Has she said a word? She's not said a single word. With her agreement given, the MD walked behind her

and unhooked the tight black bra in a rapid move. Whoa, whoa. Her agreement was given to the job. Gee, he hasn't asked about the bra. I don't remember him mentioning the bra. Maybe I missed it in all the excitement, but I swear he just mentioned the £85,000 a year and the travel perks.

Now, if he'd mentioned the bra, I'm not sure she would have been so obliging. Belinda's breasts plunged to freedom and her nipples immediately stood on... Still on end? What do you mean? Still on end. And her nipples immediately stood to attention. To attention? How are they plunging?

How old is she? Can I get a high five for my favourite bit so far? Thank you. Her nipples are stood to attention. But yet her breasts have plunged. I just think Rocky is mistaken in thinking that women would like anything on their person to plunge when layers of clothing are removed. I mean, I dread to think what's going to happen when she takes the knickers off. The MD sat down and appraised her, whilst the interviewer what's going to happen when she takes the knickers off. The MD sat down

and appraised her whilst the interviewer calmly asked her to stand up and remove her thong. Sorry, where have two people turned up from? I always thought there was just one.

Yeah, we have a brand new character. An MD and an interviewer and they're separate. They are separate, yes. So the thong is about to come off. Oh my God, is this where I get sexy? Her shaven pussy was revealed. sorry good morning her shaven pussy was revealed with just a delicate runway of dark

pubic hair guiding any viewer to the top any viewer guiding any viewer to the top of her vagina if you need guide in there you've already gone wrong right if you've got that far where else are you gonna go like it's either thigh tummy i mean like you're in the right area aren't you like why like yeah why do you need like an arrow point to be fair it is guiding the viewer to the top of her vagina right so if you're looking for the top kind of like a this way up arrow maybe it's's an arrow. Maybe that's what it is. An arrow of pubes. Or like a dotted line on a runway.

Now sit down and relax, Miss Blumenthal. Obviously. Said the interviewer. Now is the time to relax. I feel calm as a cucumber. Said the interviewer. In fact, just spread your legs wide so we can get a good look at your internal attributes. Internal?

How far inside are they? This is a full interview. I mean, it's thorough. You know, to be fair to them, it is an £85,000 a year job with a car and travel perks. And apparently a medical. I really hope the MD is a trained gynaecologist. Belinda lay back in the leather chair and spread her legs wide as requested. Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial... i mean i'm no expert on the vagina alice maybe you can enlighten us

does a vagina have lids i have never thought of it as a tupperware box the vaginal lids popped open let's just let that percolate for a while. It gets worse. Her vaginal lids popped open and her labial pinkness was there for them to assess. Wow. So much to talk about. So not sexy. Is her vagina a car boot?

It's not sexy. You don't think this is sexy? I'm not that turned on, no. But it is my father's erotic fantasy of labial pinkness sorry stop here yeah what do you think when you know that your dad wrote that sentence i think he needs to hang out with my mom a bit more i think we should get rocky maybe a little you know birds and bees book. Maybe. But maybe that's what he had, a pop-up sex book.

And that's why I think that the vaginal lids pop. She quickly became moist and a runnel of liquid trickled down her left lower thigh. Her left lower thigh. That's me. Wow. So she's sweating. There's runnels. She'll be dehydrated as.

The MD then said, my name is Tony. Now's the time for an introduction. He's only just introducing himself. I love Tony. What a ledge. What a ledge. My name is Tony and you will report directly to me. Bill here is our human resources director and he's available to you at all times.

You might need him as you have a direct staff of 28, some of whom may need fucking off. Okay. Can you imagine if Belinda was your line manager? She'd be quite a fun line manager.

She'd not have said anything. Exactly. Get away with murder and she'd be naked. She'd just be nodding and blinking. Imagine her in a meeting. She'd be just like,

put your vagina away, Belinda. Belinda, babe, put a bra on. Your lids are popping. Belinda nodded and asked which was, to her, the obvious question. What an unusual... What? The syntax has taken a very unusual turn.

When are you guys going to fuck me? Now she speaks. She's been nodding and that's her first thing that she does. It must be about 45 minutes since they've met her. I mean, that's her first thing that she does it must be about 45 minutes since they've met her I mean that's her first question as well not like you know

how many thousands of pounds worth of travel perks do I get a year as female protagonists go she's very passive so far you know

maybe she's a slow burn I just feel like I just feel like she's doing a lot of nodding a lot of smiling. Blinking. Blinking, you know. Well, blinking's her forte.

That's her calling card, granted. Yeah, I just, I mean, this is a very forward move for Belinda. But do you not think that shows that she's quite a strong character? You know, she's just, she's just got things to do. She's wanted to wrap this up so when are they gonna fuck her sounds like james has got places to be too don't want to be belinda about it all but so belinda is like business isn't she she's like when are we gonna do this well this is the story about how a woman got to the top of business so yeah all business say what business not a specific business business business when are you guys gonna fuck me tony quickly replied well bill here never will

as it's not his area of responsibility responsibility charming is it in his contract also it's like no one's responsibility i don't want like some like pity shag from bill bill will tell you what your pension is but he will not have he will observe you stripping in a job interview and he will also tell you what you should be putting away weekly as a saving scheme he has got the employees interest at heart that's for sure i hate bill yeah is this the end of bill say what you think i hope bill gets killed in some weird sex game oh they've turned well bill here never will as it's not his area of responsibility and i might depending on how hard you work for me but let's get to the point belinda the reason we put you through this scenario is to ensure your positive reaction to certain members of our

customer base who will definitely try you out so try you out this is ridiculous i'm sorry like when you take it in you don't read you know erotica no i don't read erotica can i stress that as someone who doesn't either but i i would imagine sure you don't you know we aren't looking for capture in the rye are we like this is this isn't plot isn't the most important thing here yeah but at the same time i mean i mean this just never happened it wouldn't happen but you know maybe this is the pots and pans industry maybe this is just an area that we just don't know about maybe dad's onto something it's an expose maybe pots and pans are filthy oh my god so i have to ask you here and now does this give you any problems

belinda blinked oh she's she blinked again she's she's definitely got something in her eye belinda blinked shook her head and said as long as i have your and the company's backing i will do whatever is necessary to make the sales happen i think this shows that she's that that that i have to disagree with you alice i think this shows that she's... And I have to disagree with you, Alice. I think this shows that she is a strong character because she knows what she wants and she is unafraid to go an unorthodox route to success. And I think that should be championed in our society. Good for her. She got the job, I suppose.

I mean, it's a success story. She did wear that brazier on purpose, if we recall from paragraph one. And she didn't apologise for her stocking. She didn't apologise for it. And I imagine that's how she means to go on. Great character. Well written.

Depth. Better than Bill. Well done, Belinda, said Tony as a large smile crossed his rugged features. Patronising. Well done. Tony's starting to sound quite handsome. Do you like Tony?

I think I do. I always imagined Tony to be really northern, actually. I thought he'd be like, well done, Belinda. Oh, should I be doing voices? I haven't even thought about that. Maybe chapter two we could introduce some voices. Should we introduce them? Tony then dismissed Bill.

Oh, Bill's gone. Yeah, I think Tony thinks the same as we do. Dismissed or fired. Either way, he's out of there. Tony then dismissed Bill and said to him as he left the room, send in Giselle with the contract. Giselle. I mean, come on. I think we all know what giselle's

gonna look like who works for a pots and pans company it's called giselle after a few minutes a 26 year old stunningly attractive blonde haired girl joined them with notebook and sheaf of papers in hand is belinda still naked by the way i think we're about to have that confirmed yeah put the paperwork down giselle and Belinda, our new sales director. Belinda stood up, still totally naked. There you go. Thank you. And shook Giselle's hand.

Polite. Not appropriate, though. If a naked woman was stood in front of me, I wouldn't go, nice to meet you, and shake her hand. I don't think Giselle's got it going on upstairs. Alice, pay attention. Belinda shook Giselle's got it going on upstairs. Alice, pay attention. Belinda shook Giselle's hand.

Touche. In response, Giselle held Belinda's face in her hand and kissed her fully square on the lips. In response? To a handshake? To a handshake. Giselle's not been brought up right. Can I just say, this is all one sentence,

so I think I should maybe try and do it in one. I'm going to have to. In response, Giselle held Belinda's face in her hand and kissed her fully square on the lips. Belinda instinctively opened her mouth and Giselle's tongue snaked in and they both shared the touching of ecstasy. At that magical moment, Giselle started to strip off.

It didn't take long as she wasn't wearing any underwear. And Belinda thought, this girl does this too often for it to be a once-in-a-lifetime event. I'm with Belinda. I mean, that's what I was thinking. Really? Who removing clothes is a once-in-a-lifetime event? I think people getting naked in an office should, you know, never happen. However,

Giselle was a magnificent creature. Tits that were to die for, and an ass that was so tight, even Belinda felt tested. Though she was equal in every respect and in all truth felt she had better shaped boobs. So to me, that kind of says that Belinda, you know, she's young. I mean, we were thinking about the plunging before. Yeah, this is real insight actually into Belinda's physique.

Because Giselle's got tits that were to die for, but Belinda feels that her breasts are better shaped. Do we think that means she's older than Giselle because she's kind of comparing but going, actually, I'm better? Hmm, possibly. With soft, deft actions, she soon had Belinda gasping. Belinda could only respond by sucking Giselle's breasts and teething her nipples vigorously. Oh my God. There must be other options.

What do you mean she could only respond that way? Teething? Thumbs up, peace sign. There's loads of ways to respond. Yeah must be other options. What do you mean she could only respond that way? Teething. Thumbs up, peace sign. There's loads of ways to respond. Yeah. Applause. Applause. Teething on her nipples.

Teething. Giselle's going to be red raw. It seems to be, we're getting into the kind of graphic. This is the end actually. This is the last sentence. We're on the last sentence. Not bad for a final interview for the job of her dreams. We're on the last sentence.

Not bad for a final interview for the job of her dreams. So that was chapter one. I think at all stages of reading this book, we should never forget that your dad wrote this from his mind. Yeah. And that is both scary and... No, it's just scary. It's kind of brilliant as well, isn't it? You're jealous that Ken hasn't got in on this act.

Don't you drag Ken into this without offending. Hey, yeah, let's not use people's real names, all right? So next week, we're going to be tackling chapter two, which is called, drum roll please, The Leather Room. Stop it. I know. Wipe clean.

So, are you turned on? Are you not turned on? Do you have questions about anatomy? We can answer them all. Get in touch with us. You can either tweet us via dadwrotaporno, email us mydadwrotaporno at gmail.com or find us on Facebook

mydadwrotaporno is the name of the page. How many emails do you think we'll get from people who are in the same boat as you, Jamie? I'm hoping many. We can make a fraternity. And you can buy the book. You can buy the book. Yes, you can buy the book.

If you just Google Blinder Blinked, first hit, I think it's Amazon. You can get it on Amazon. You can get it on iTunes, I think. Scribed. You can get it in many different formats. So have a download. Have a read. Read along with us next week. I think that's the can get it in many different formats so have a download have a read

read along with us next week I think that's the best way to do it I think to read along at the same pace and it's not a lot to read week by week

but nothing can beat your 60 year old father writing porn goodnight kids thanks for listening