My Dad Wrote A Porno - S1E12 - 'The Duchess Comes Clean'

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

It's the return of The Duchess in the penultimate chapter of 'Belinda Blinked'. What is she coming clean about? Will we find out? Will it make sense? Does it matter? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Basically, all the good stuff. Jamie, why are we here? We're here because my dad's written a porno. Your dad's written a porno? Erotic literature. Why? Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno

Beside it sat two rounds of what looked like turkey sandwiches. With vigour. Similar vigour. Similar vigour. Similar vigour. Comparable vigour.

Slap your buddy down and similar vigour. Is there a Flintstone grandma? No, no, I apologise in advance. OK, um, Pearl Pebbles Slag Hoople. LAUGHTER Hi, guys, it's porno day again. Woo-hoo! Yay! My dad wrote a porno, he's back.

I'm here with James and Alice again. Hi. Hello. We should say hello to the Belinkers, which is the name of our fandom. Oh, our Belinkers. It's never going to take off, James. Let it die. I think it already has taken off. Actually, has anyone even called themselves? I mean, he's really, really rammed home hashtag porno day. And finally, people are like,

okay, fine, hashtag porno day. That has taken off. It hasn't trended yet, but it has taken off. People have succumbed to porno day, but... Belinkas. Is it Belinkas? So the first half of Belinda, so Belle. Belle. And then the last half of Blinkas, so Belinkas.

Belinkas. Like any good joke, takes quite a lot of explaining. Also, it's like Justin Bieber's Beliebers. There's lays to it. I mean, you keep explaining it. It's very clever. It's really funny, yeah. Gets funnier and funnier.

Good job. So anyway, for everyone It's very clever. It's really funny. Gets funnier and funnier. Good job. So anyway, for everyone who's still listening, welcome back. Can you guys believe that we are on the penultimate chapter of Blind Blinked? It's mental, right? Feels like a long time coming. Does it feel like there's time for it to wrap up? No. Oh, God, no.

Well, nothing's actually happened. That's the weird thing. Do you think it's going to be two chapters of just pure action now? I hope not. Fingers crossed. What counts as pure action, actually? You're right, yeah. Painstaking admin in steals, pots and pans.

Well, you know, the book is starting to change people's lives. It's changed mine. I wouldn't... Irreversibly. Yeah, it's certainly changed mine. Yeah, everyone's desensitized to sex. But apart from that. And it's my dad.

And it's your dad. So my whole family dynamic's completely been turned off. We should run that home more often. I don't feel like we ever bring that up. Well, it's become so normal to us all now. We've kind of forgotten. And even I've kind of forgotten. Yeah.

So you're screwed. So that's how it's changed your life. Thank you for life. Cheers. We've had an email from a girl who said her friend lost her virginity because of this podcast. Fuck. What are you talking about? I'm not even joking.

Surely this would stop people from having sex. So her friend... This is great birth control. I thought we were doing something for the planet. Yeah, I've always seen it as contraception. Overpopulation will kill us all. Her friend has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for three years. They've never had sex.

And she was starting to get a bit nervous about it, you know, blah, blah, blah. And they started listening to My Dad Wrote a Porno together. I don't know if he's being serious. I can't tell. Is this honestly true? I'm for real. Where's the punchline? This is for reals, guys.

And it kind of broke down the barriers of, like, you know, they started laughing at all these sexual scenarios and things like this, and it kind of made sex less intimidating for them both. Wow. What? I mean, no, fair dues. I can kind of sort of see that. If you've never had sex, totally fine,

but do not use this as some kind of guide. No, this is very much a what not to do. I was going to say, please don't tell me that they, like they built their own leather room or something. He grabbed her cervix, no you didn't. And she's now in hospital. But yeah, so because of Belinda and her sexy ways, it made them realise sex is okay. That is the most bizarre and happy story.

Yeah, considering that sex is never okay in this book. Oh, what a lovely story. And with that, I think we should get on with the book. That's so weird as well, because there was that other email where that person felt really intimidated by business, and this book inspired them to start their own business. And they've now got a turnover of 3.4 million pounds.

In pots and pans. They're huge in skillets. We've got an email from Mr. LaCruze. He is a huge fan, to be fair. What is today's chapter called, Jamie? Well, as we said last week, it is a bit of a charged chapter title because it's called The Duchess Comes Clean. Yes. This is an ambiguous title if i recall it might

just mean that she actually has a shower and physically cleans herself of all of the knowing rocky it probably would be the sort of mundane thing that would fill a chapter at this stage okay so belinda blinked chapter 13, The Duchess Comes Clean. It was 6.30 in the morning when Belinda awoke from her deep sleep. The receptionist had left at 2.30, giving her a much-needed four hours sleep. There was much to do, and certainly no time for breakfast, even if it were being served by the very sexually fulfilled night receptionist called Sam. Who? Is that the youngish man?

Oh my god, Sam is the youngish man. He just slips in the name of the youngish man. We said we'd never find out. I've wanted to know for about four chapters what this guy's called. He'll always be the youngish man to me. He just nonchalantly slips it in. That was Alphonse, I think.

I think that was Alphonse, Jim Sterling, Peter Brown. Sam, the youngish man slash the night receptionist. Also, yeah, why is the night receptionist... Serving breakfast. Serving breakfast. He should be going home. Or he should at least have his job title changed for each job he does. Receptionist, day or night.

This time, Belinda dressed in one of her simple one-piece black work dresses with matching lace bra and panties. Sorry. This is the most covered up she's ever been. What do you mean one piece? I don't know. A dress is always in one piece. Unless it's got the bra and panties attached, I don't know.

It just jumps into it. Those are really cheap shirts that you can get from Primark that have a T-shirt sewn into them as well. Oh, do you think it's just all as one? Yeah. This is kind of the classiest she's dressed so far, I think. She's dressed, which is, I think we'd all agree, an improvement. Her plan was very simple.

Always is. She would get back to the motel, release the Duchess's ankles from the yellow handcuffs, take her back to the Chairman's house where she could collect her company car and get into work for nine. Right, okay, a few things. One, there's no way those handcuffs

are keeping the Duchess on the bed, like those plastic handcuffs. Belinda snapped them in half. Exactly. Well, Belinda is the Hulk, to be fair. She is. Yeah, I guess the Duchess is an older lady, but still, if you were desperate.

Can we stop saying older lady? She's only in her 50s. Hey, these are Rocky's words, not mine. So, she's attached to the bed still, which I had kind of forgotten, actually. I thought she was just dozing. Yeah. But Belinda kind of wants to make good.

She wants to... Yeah, like return her. Return her, get her car, and get into work for nine. Never going to happen. She doesn't even need to be there at 9am. Do you remember? She finally is around for two hours. She's getting in at 11.

It's fine. And also, I think if a day in lieu was ever called for. Fucking hell. Take it as a holiday, sweetheart. Working from home, I think, explains a lot of Belinda's success. The Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel

and continue her sex life as she wanted. Or life. More than the same, James. I must go. I've got to continue my sex life. What the hell? I also love, like, I've just got to pick up my trailer. It makes it sound like so those two things aren't that compatible

are they no hitching your wagon and your sex life is that the trailer that's got the sofa and the gin and tonic it's like a lounge

it's a bit of a sex den actually so she just travels around the country with that just luring women into it feeding them gin and tonic

she sniffs out the nearest tombola sniffing out the next tombola oh look signed for a summer fate off I go she's like a really upmarket carny She's feeding them gin and tonic. She sniffs out the nearest tombola. Sniffing out the next tombola. Oh, look, sign for a summer fate. Off I go. She's like a really upmarket carny.

So the Duchess could then collect her trailer from the motel and continue her sex life as she wanted. But without her involvement. Thank you. So Belinda's done with the Duchess. I'd like to extricate myself from this whole situation. Belinda would also reluctantly return the horse riding outfit, which had served her extremely well all Sunday evening. Reluctantly return?

You stole it. Borrowed. Borrowed. OK, fine. Come on. The traffic was non-existent as she left the horse and jockey. Sam had obviously gone to kitchen duty, so no time was lost in saying farewell.

Does Sam ever not work? I know. My God, he's like a little machine. Sam is a worker bee. It's that Oliver Twist. The company was picking up the tab on the overnight room and meals, so she got off to a good start. What?

Literally makes no sense. I thought she said she wasn't having breakfast. She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside. I have a feeling it said, did it say something about? No, James said, congratulations, you're in Cambridgeshire. Wasn't it? So, you know, you were right in that it was a university town. A shire, Jamie.

A shire, sorry. University shire. She quickly motored through the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside to the motel, where she had left the Duchess attached to her bed. The horse box was still in the parking spot where she had left it and the motel room looked quiet. Well it would, it's 6.30 in the morning. Belinda jumped out of the big vehicle and entered the room. In the bedroom she found the Duchess where she had left her, albeit her makeup now smeared to hell.

So the Duchess has been clawing at her face? How? Belinda switched off the bedside light and gently shook the Duchess has just been clawing at her face. How? Belinda switched off the bedside light and gently shook the Duchess awake. She's still fast asleep. I'm just imagining like a rag doll, like, ugh, ugh, come on, wake up. To be fair, he does say gently, but I can't imagine it's that gently. No. Pushing her on the bed.

You've come back to release me, was the first word she murmured. It's like some shit fairy tale. Belinda's Prince Charming all of a sudden. Well, with that monster prick. She's still wearing that. Yeah, she never took that off, did she? She's been rocking that the whole night. You've come back to release me, was the first word she murmured.

Yes, said Belinda, equally as softly. But you must understand that I was your sex servant. So now you are mine. No, that's not how it works. That's not the rule. Also, she's got to be at work at nine. She can't be having sex servants. Oh yeah, why is she fannying around?

Literally. I was your sex servant, so now you're my sex servant. That's going to be a real, like, vicious cycle to get out of. What if I happen to just turn in the other cheek? Exactly. Bum cheek. Oh, one of the four. The Duchess started to sob softly and replied.

I do not blame her. Tears of joy? I always knew it would come to this. Oh no. This is where she's going to come clean. I have to tell you, I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game. As if! Reluctant!

Reluctant is not the word I'd use. She's the one who brought out the crop. Seriously? She could have just brought Belinda back to her motel and made her a lovely cup of tea. They could have played Scrabble. There's a lot between what they did and what they could have done. If you're reluctant, you don't make a horse box with a sofa in

and... And then pour Vagina and tonic. Vagina and tonic. Some would say that was premeditated. I mean, unless you just whip that up 60 minute makeover style, then yeah, it was. I mean, to be fair, she does dress a lot like Laurence Llewellyn Bowen. That is true. She does have a lot of flamboyant outfits.

I was a very reluctant player in this erotic game. They left me no choice in the end. Who's going on? And now here I am. Who, the Illuminati? I think Rocky's a member of the Illuminati. He does have great power. Wait a second.

Is this anything to do with, what was he called, the knight of the realm? Oh, Sir James Godwin. Sir James Godwin. Do you think it's anything to do with Sir James Godwin? Guys, this is bigger than all of us. This goes right to the top. Wait, do you mean not just kitchenware? Do you mean, like, homeware?

Oh, my God. They left me no choice in the end and now here I am a sex servant to you Miss Belinda. Excuse me you could do a lot worse than Belinda actually and I don't like to defend Belinda but don't turn your nose up about being a sex slave to Belinda.

And also don't call her Miss Belinda. Miss Belinda. Miss Blimenthal. Miss Belinda. Miss Belinda I couldn't possibly. Miss Belinda Miss Belinda Miss Blimenthal Miss Belinda Miss Belinda I couldn't possibly Miss Belinda Belinda blinked We promised we'd take a layer off when she said it Boys shirts

I'll go skirt Oh gross Belinda blinked Was this whole episode a game organised by somebody else? What, this episode? Was there a master planner behind all of the Tombola activities and the ramifications they were producing? If there is, what is their plan?

What possible outcome were they hoping to achieve? It certainly couldn't be coincidence that she, Bella and Giselle were the ones to be made servants. Are you so thick, though? Like, what do you mean? Of course. Is this getting, like, self-referential? Is he about to go, and the man behind it all was Rocky Flintstone?

The Wizard of Oz, if you will. We talked about this, Rocky writing himself into the book. Oh, my God, is this the moment? We talked about this, Rocky writing himself into the book. Oh my God, is this the moment? Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again.

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Zinsurance. Mind your business. It certainly couldn't be coincidence that she, Bella, and Giselle were the ones who made servants. Perhaps the Duchess knew more than she was telling. Yeah, but she's about to tell you. She's just said, I've got to be straight with you. She needed to proceed softly. She needed the Duchess on her side. If you can call me Miss Belinda, then I will happily call you my lady. Is this a good start to an equal relationship between us? Who's talking? Belinda, I think.

Is the Duchess English? This is Belinda speaking. Why is she calling her Miss Belinda, please? I think she thinks it's like sexy or a bit of titillation. I'm not quite sure. What? So she's sobbing. I get it, Miss Belinda. She thinks that's sexy.

Also, not equal, Miss Belinda and m'lady. Yeah. I think so. Yes. I know so. Oh, how I do want... This is ludicrous. I think so. What? No, I think so. No, I know so. Just give the portman a hug and a hanky. That's all you want, James, isn't it? A hug and a hanky. Great night in for James. James, isn't it? Hugging a hanky. Great night in for James. Oh, how I do want to be a sexual servant to you, Miss Belinda. I just want you to fuck

me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo. You turn. Anyway, yeah, you were saying about the master plan. Also, she's gone from sobbing to being like, dust off the dildo, time for tea. I just want you to fuck me hard with my beautiful black leather dildo and respect me for what I am. A happy sex servant to you. This is a beautiful greetings card. Well, that's fine, I suppose, from your perspective. But what do I get out of this relationship? Replied Belinda.

Sex? She made that quite clear. But what do I get out of the relationship? Replied Belinda. The Duchess thought for a moment. I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top. Age-wise, that is. Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, Duchess.

Did you mean over the hill? Yeah, because I thought you meant a bit fl flamboyant sexually, like, you know. A bit OTT? Yeah, not most people use that. Hang on, she might mean that. Hang on. I know that sexually I'm a bit over the top, age-wise that is, but I do assure you I am a fanatical lover,

and in my role as your sex servant, I will do your every bidding. Fanatical lover. Something says. Crazy. This is, I don't know what it is. There's just something about the wording that's making me think run for the hills. I wish we had like an earpiece in Belinda's ear

and be like, Belinda, get out of that room. It's not safe. She's a fanatical lover. Keep on the handcuffs. But you know, yeah, exactly. Do not unleash her. But you know, yeah, exactly. Do not unleash her. But you know, for Belinda,

that's green light. She's going to be like, whoopie do. Whoopie Goldberg. She there too. Probably. And in my role as your sex servant, I will do your every bidding.

I am open to all new sex erotica. And I promise to never disobey you in the sexual act. I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop. Bon appétit! I'd order her to stop before she got to the point where she was eating my vagina. Not that I have one.

Chewing a labia over breakfast. Oh, come on. I will eat your orgasm. No, drink your orgasm. In an impeccable glass, I would hope. She's insatiable, the Duchess. Didn't the Duchess

eat all the nipples? She is ravenous. Eat her vagina. You're right. I just think it's so unnecessary. Why aren't you too bothered? The whole thing is unnecessary. Because it's a penultimate chapter and we've been through so much.

How are you still shocked? I don't know. I will drink your orgasms and eat your vagina all day long until you order me to stop. Belinda quickly interrupted and said, I get your intentions and they are truly what I need of you if you wish to become my sex servant. But surely a person as well connected to the lineage of Britain. I mean, you being a duchess with all what that means. Belinda, when you try and be partial.

With all what that means, Governor. My lady. My lady, with all that you own, what is nice and expensive, you must have connections. Buy the bucket, my lady, what one said once. Yeah, she's starting to sound like Nancy out of Ola, isn't she? Street urchin. I mean, you being a duchess, with all what that means, could surely open doors I couldn't dream of ever even encountering. Right. Is this a comment on class? Yeah, maybe.

And on kind of the hierarchy that we all live in? What's she saying? Like, I want to be with you for your connections? Or is she saying you're too good for me? People love hearing that. Oh, what, you think she's saying we're just she's in different worlds yeah we're two different people no but i think she wants to be part of the duchess's world oh she's the little mermaid sorry another another musical reference what was it like how did rocky describe it in the blurb the set the plush riding set yeah oh miss belinda i adore you so much yes you met her last night since when i know seriously

i adore you i adore you is she still sobbing i think she's perked up actually miss belinda i adore you so much yes i will be able to introduce you into the highest sexual circles in the land she didn't say sexual circles she She just said the highest circles. She just wants to meet posher people. Oh, yeah, she's put sex in there, hasn't she? Maybe that's the only place that she's got access to, poor Duchess. Oh, they only want her for a baddie. Not the House of Lords.

The House of Smut. What, you think Belinda wants access to the House of Lords? Actually, probably. She'd clean up in there like fish in a barrel. She'd be like, I'm right up a jambype. Belinda bent over. Of course she did. Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs off the Duchess's ankles.

Again. What, broke them off without a key? The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Cramped? Sexy. Sexy. Nothing's as sexy like cramped body. Cramped? Sexy. Sexy. Nothing's as sexy like cramped.

Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the whole

of the fateful Titanic together. Yay! The Duchess has got nipples from the Titanic. Now, Titanic's my favourite film, so I know exactly what he's talking about here.

Iceberg, iceberg. So specific. Here's a reference I can get on board with. So unsexy, so many people died. Like, why are you using the Titanic as a sexual reference? That is amazing. And also one of my dad's ancestors died on the Titanic. So this is kind of a tribute.

It's what he would have wanted I think. How moving. Where did his brain go? Seriously. Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together. The fateful Titanic.

How big are her nipples? Apart from anything else. It was the ship of dreams, for fuck's sake. It was massive. It really was. Three inches? That is... Hang on.

How many centimetres in an inch? 2.5. 7.5 centimetres long. Jesus Christ. Wow. No. What? Like, wide?

Yeah, do you mean across or out? Oh, good point. Don't know. It doesn't say. I imagine length. I also love that with freedom, it made her nipples do that. Do you ever do that after, like, I don't know, a long coach journey? You're just like, oh, oh, there they go.

They're free. Imagine how huge Nelson Mandela's would have been when he walked out of that prison. Can you imagine? And nobody ever speaks of it. And Rocky is the only one that tells the truth. Everyone was so polite and not mentioned it as he walked out. They were like, I mean, it's great. It's like a real feat for, like, humankind.

But also, look at his nips. Nelson Mandela is smuggling peanuts. Belinda was drawn to them like a real feat for like humankind but also look at his nips. Nelson Mandela is smuggling peanuts. Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet. She needed to touch them, caress them. Tighten them with a spanner. She needed to touch them,

caress them and finally suck them. It's going to taste irony. The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires. Sucked to taste irony. The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires. Sucked her nipples. Basically. Tweaked and played around and sucked them. After two minutes of caressing and sucking,

the Duchess carefully removed Belinda's one-piece black work dress. Just a dress. You can just say dress. One-piece dress. How does Rocky think it's in parts? Like, does Wilma wear, like, zip-off sleeves? Or, like, is it kind of somehow bulk-crowed? I hope not.

I really hope not. The Duchess carefully removed Belinda's one-piece black work dress. She then slowly removed her black lace bra and, after a few moments, her panties. You hate the word panties! Panties. It's the word panties! Panties. It's the worst. I can't even say it. Oh, I think that's our first mention as well. No, it was said earlier. Oh.

I obviously blocked that out. We skimmed over that. You mentally blocked it. Please don't repeat that line. Disgusting. She then slowly removed her black lace bra and after a few moments her panties. So he repeats it. Said it again. Clearly said it again clearly said it again belinda stepped out of her high heels and guided the duchess back to the bed i thought you can say

to the top of the vagina it's the only place she ever guides anyone and that's the end of chapter 13 that was dialogue heavy. Yeah. That was terrible dialogue heavy. And sex light. It's building up to a big finale, I think, though. What on earth is going to happen in the final chapter? And also, the Duchess didn't really come clean.

No. What have we actually learned? That revelation was never fully explained. Oh, yeah, she sort of started to reveal that she didn't really want to be the sex slave, but nothing else. Yeah. And also she clearly did want to be the sex slave.

Look at her. Happy as Larry. Do you think like at this point when Rocky was writing, he was just like rushing to the end of the book now. He's like, just got to get finished. Get it out the door. Did he have a holiday booked or anything? Probably.

I'm left with more questions than answers. More so than usual because there's normally that but this time we were promised answers and we never got them so what are our questions what's the master plan

where's Sam where's Sam why did Belinda not take advantage of the buffet breakfast but did take advantage of Titanic's rivets that was my favourite bit

of this chapter I think that is a genius move. And he always surprises me. Yeah. Pulled it out the bag. Never underestimate Rocky. That is what I've learnt. The man deserves a knighthood, it's true.

I'm lobbying for that, by the way. I'm so sad there's only one chapter left. I don't know what I'm going to do once it's over. I know. I'm hoping that I can rebuild some sort of father son dynamic and carry on with my life but i wouldn't bother because i think he's working on more material and you'll just have to kind of break it down again yeah are we gonna hang out once the podcast is done i see no reason no i mean can this just be one of those secret like in the future we just

pretend it never happened this is just a crazy summer we had that time next week is the finale but we should stress about that very special christmas day bonus episode yes and we need you guys to help us with that because we basically want your questions for rocky yeah they can be about anything literally anything the titanic if you want to know more about the history of the titanic maybe you want to know what the recipe is for the turkey sandwiches. Oh, yeah. My question is going to be, what is the master plan? Well, we might find that out next week.

So by Christmas Day, you'll know the master plan and you'll be like, oh, thank God I know. Oh, then I'm not going to send my question in. Just don't bother. And you can submit your questions by going to our website, mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash questions, and just submit them. Rocky eagerly awaits those questions, I'm sure.

Oh, yeah. He is raring to go, actually. He has a list of his own questions about his own book. He'll set aside the writing for five minutes, do the questions, and then come back to it. Yeah. Five minutes is at least a book and a half. So see you next week for the last one, guys.

Yeah, thanks for listening, everybody. Do you guys want to go and watch Titanic now? I really do. That's all I watch. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without Thank you.