My Dad Wrote A Porno - S1E3 - 'The Regional Sales Meeting'

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

This week, Belinda gets to grips with her UK wide sales team and a few after-work drinks at a hotel bar get a little out of control. One word - pomegranates... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Jamie, why are we here? We're here because my dad's written a porno. Your dad's written a porno? Erotic literature. Why? Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Giselle walked over to the drinks cabinet, poured two stiff gin and tonics

and started to stroke Belinda's tits with her long fingernails. Oh my God! With her long what? Fingernails! The two girls started to excite each other and soon their respective vaginas were wet and steaming. Can we talk about respective vaginas? I don't think that phrase has ever been written down, ever. Belinda's nipples started to swell in anticipation.

Oh, God. Get that seen to. She's got an allergy. Her throat's swelling up and nipples are growing. It's hay fever season. Get her some Puritan. God, it's your dad, Jamie. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry for you. Hello, everyone, and welcome to chapter three of My Dad Wrote a Poor Note. Alice, thanks for coming back. Thank you for having me. James, lovely for you to be here, as ever. I love these days. What's more of a feeling? I'm so excited, as always.

You well should be because chapter three is called the Regional Sales Meeting. Stop it! I know, it's sexy as anything. I feel so alive with lust. Hang on, is this going to be a sexy chapter or is this just going to be a bit of an admin chapter? James, we're reading Belinda Blink. Everything's sexy.

James, every porno has an admin chapter, duh! Okay, sorry. Just as a recap for people who maybe are new to the podcast, my dad has written a porno, an erotic novel called Belinda Blinked, and we are going to be reading it together, critiquing it, maybe tearing it to pieces a little bit. No.

Shredding it. I like to think we're preserving it for time immemorial. Future generations. Yeah. And it's all about Belinda, who is a sales manager at a pots and pans company. So she's selling pots and pans while also getting fucked. So it's all about Belinda, who is a sales manager at a pots and pans company. So she's selling pots and pans while also getting fucked. So it's very exciting.

You had me at pots and pans. You had me at Belinda. And lost you at fucked, I'm sure. And for the purposes of this podcast, we will refer to my father only as his pen name, which is, of course... Rocky Flintstone. Rocky Flintstone, indeed. Okay, so... He never loses his clean.

It might by chapter 14. Without further ado, let's jump straight in. Belinda Blinked, chapter three, the regional sales meeting. Belinda had an early breakfast and was in the office for 7.30am. This was probably a pretty important day for her, as it would be the first time she would meet her UK senior sales management. In other words, the people who reported to her in business terms. Thanks, Rocky, for that explanation.

Some of this book feels like Rocky's put it through Google Translate or something. 100%. English to bullshit. Can you just something. 100%. English to bullshit. Can you just read that laugh? English to bullshit and back again. She had no particular views. Surprise, surprise, blim-blim. On anything? What?

She had no particular views. That's a paragraph for Rocky. Parentheses. Oh. Just lots of third-party information about the performance and calibre of these four managers. There were also 20 or so salesmen who reported to them on the ground, and she had fairly or unfairly pessimistic thoughts about how the whole sales organisation was performing.

But in sales, you can always be surprised, especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board, to accept your way of doing things. I think we should ring the grammar alarm bell. I need to read this along with you because I don't understand. I'm reading it and I still don't know what's going on. Please don't add punctuation. If Rocky's left it out, that's his own too bad.

Belinda was good at this. Good at what? Wait, are you not going to recap that sentence? I think I'll have to, Alice. Yeah. But in sales, you can always be surprised, especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board, to accept your way of doing things

excuse me I love that Rocky's not afraid to write a sentence that makes no sense that's true without meaning and also with verbs in a very unconventional place in all seriousness is English Rocky's first language he's Irish

okay so yes I love that we're learning more about Rocky though oh spoiler alert maybe if you do that sentence in an Irish accent we might understand it oh do you think okay

but in sales you can always be surprised especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board do you accept your way of doing things oh right yeah make some peace. Thank God you did that. Was that the worst Irish accent anyone's ever heard? I've never heard you do a worse one. You're usually very good at it. I know, sorry. Irish, Jamaican. Okay.

But in sales, you can always be surprised. Especially when you talk to people in confidence and got them on board. To accept your way of doing things. Yeah, still that makes no sense to me. Not a clue. Not a clue. Belinda was good at this and Tony knew it. This was probably

one of the many reasons he had hired her. Well, that and the fact that she got naked in the interview. I was going to say there's one reason. Am I the only one

who has no idea what is going on so far? There was no major desire in Tony's business plan to sack all the sales force and bring in new people. Develop what we have was his mantra.

Well, who suggested firing them? Oh, because Belinda was saying that she had pessimistic thoughts about how the whole sales organisation was performing. What, so she was just going to get rid of everybody? I've just got kind of pessimistic thoughts. You're fired! She's a dirty Lord Sugar. Belinda had already thrashed out a strategy with Tony

in her first three weeks of induction to the company. It was simple. If the salesman and sales manager show any sign of performance, then keep them. No shit, Sherlock. If they show any sign of performance, that means they can be operating at 10% performance, but they've shown a sign of performance. They can show up to the office. So if they're alive,

if they have a pulse, they get to keep their job. Belinda was tough, but not mercenary. And she would use all her talents to make the existing sales team work. Does anyone else think that Rocky's got Word of the Day toilet paper? Mercenary. She just wondered how far she would have to go to get them on side.

Well, we know what the implication is there. Well, yeah, I imagine she means sexy time, but why doesn't she just stop firing people and then they might like her? To be fair, she hasn't fired anyone yet. Sorry, Belinda's biggest fan. Do you feel like, because your dad has written this character, that she's part of the family? Does she feel like an older sister? Is she like Auntie Belinda?

I wouldn't say she's part of the family, James, no. But I feel a certain loyalty to her, yeah. That is a great question, actually. Does she resemble anybody that you know? Like, can you think who Belinda might be based on? Does anyone come around at Christmas and, you know, take the blouse off? Go on, you're thinking of someone right now. I'm really not.

Okay. We believe you, thousands wouldn't. Are we going to meet like Mavis next door to your mum and dad and she'll be like, red heels, run a little liquid down her lower left thigh. Nice to meet you. I'm Melinda. I'm Melinda Blumlandthal. I work in cutlery.

I am head of knives and forks at a regional distribution. I'm tough, but not mercenary. Nine o'clock came and Belinda rang for... Nine o'clock and she was in the office at half seven. Time management is poor. What's she done? Leather room. Bloody leather room. Now she's found it. Nine o'clock came and Bella ran her from reception

to say the two northerly regional managers wanted a lift from Heathrow as they couldn't get a taxi to take them to the offices. You can't get a taxi at Heathrow. You are fired. I'm sorry. Classic Belinda thought.

The company locates near Heathrow and you can't get a taxi between the two places as the taxi fare is too low. Eh? Classic. That is a classic sentence right there. If I had a pound.

Belinda picked up the phone to her sales administration manager, Jim Thompson. Her Mr Fix-It. Jim Thompson. Ding, ding, ding, ding. New character alert. New character Jim Thompson. Possible fling. Hi Jim, Belinda here.

Can you rescue my two regional sales managers from the airport? Possible fling. Be delighted to, Belinda. Can I take the pool car? replied Jim. When is someone going to finger someone? Jesus Christ. All we want is a bit of rough tea. Sure, Belinda replied. Just put the cost centre to both of them. What are you talking about? I'm so bored.

This must be why the book is marketed to business and leadership. Because... As it's tagged on Amazon. Absolutely. Well, all Google searches, Alice. I can't imagine there's any other reason why you'd need to know the cost centre in an erotic novel. And also why we're talking about taxi fares. I've never been more

comatose in my whole life. This better take a turn up for the book soon. Jim laughed heartily and said Will do. Laughed heartily at cost centre? Jim's a fucking dweeb. A knock on Belinda's door saw her London and home county's regional sales manager. My god what a title.

Stick his head round the door. Pardon the intrusion Miss Blumenthal but I'm Des title. Stick his head around the door. Pardon the intrusion, Mr. Blumenthal, but I'm Des Martin. You know, your London man. Jim. Des. Des! What are these names?

No one is fricking called Des. Des Martin. Tony. Belinda. Jim. And then Giselle pops out of nowhere. And Bella. I'm Des Martin.

You know, your London man. Belinda got up. Des! Great to meet you. Grab a seat. out of nowhere and fella I'm Des Martin you know your London man but then we got out Des great to meet you grab a seat we're just picking two of the guys up from Heathrow which only leaves

our man from the west to appear can we guess what the west man's name is going to be oh I know already but you can guess

yeah Nigel I'm going to say Graham or Lucian just because like it's a bit random and he'd do that.

Ah, you mean Dave Wilcox in Bristol, said Des. Why didn't I think of Dave Wilcox? Oh my goodness, such boring names, it's brilliant. I certainly do, replied Belinda, as she sat down behind her desk. Oh, by the way, call me Belinda from now on. Will do, Belinda, replied Des confidently, as he eyed her shapely legs and ass. She sat down! She's gonna have it off with Des Martin.

Des Martin loves a shapely calf. Belinda thought, I like you, Des Martin. Stop saying Des Martin! Drink! Belinda thought, I like you, Des Martin! Drink! Belinda thought, I like you Des Martin. Confident, sophisticated, good looking. But why the terrible sales performance? She sighed and leaned back on her chair, pushing forward her breasts. Ding, ding, ding, ding. First mention of the breasts.

First sexy moment really. So Des, are you prepared for today? Are you ready to expose yourself, your team and your client base to the new lady and master? Is this a carry-on film? What's with the, like, exposures? There'd be sex in a carry-on film. Lady and master? What does that even mean? Belinda said, Des, if I'm honest, it'll be the first time anyone in this company is taking an interest in us as salesmen

instead of bypassing us with corporate details done from head office over a bottle of whiskey. Des, stop being so bitter. Cynicism is not sexy. No. Belinda looked shocked. Tell me you're joking. Is this the real story I'm about to find out about today? Put it this way, said

Des. You can't say I didn't warn you. He also thought what a magnificent pair of tits. Des Martin? Des Martin, you absolute perv. He also thought, what a magnificent pair of tits. How long will it take me to get them into my hands? And is my job worth it?

Get them into me hands? I wonder how long it took me to get them into me hands. Des has just aged about 40 years in my mind Des Martin please sorry Des Martin a second knock at her office door saw the western regional sales manager Dave Wilcox pop his head around

stop giving their titles just say Dave Wilcox you've introduced him hope I'm not late but the traffic on the M4 was desperate piss off Dave come on in Dave I'm Belinda

and very nice to meet you. I mean, to be fair to Belinda, at least she's showing more personality this chapter. Like, you know, she's smiling, she's saying hi to people before she just lay there

and just took it. I think there's more sass to her than I realised. She's willing to fire the whole outfit and remove her own. Oh, you've rehearsed that. Yeah.

I am the offspring of the genius that is Rocky Flintstone. These things just roll off my tongue. Imagine the sort of things you would write, given half a chance. Maybe that could be our next What you write. Fartheson writing project. Gross.

Minutes later, Jim Thompson rang and told Belinda that the two other regional sales managers would be in the car park in three minutes. Shut up. I'm like, we're still not in the car park in three minutes. Shut up. I'm like, we're still not in the building. I don't need minute by minute updates. Just be there.

Thanks, Jim. Get them to the conference room ASAP and we'll get started for 10am. So Belinda's been there since 7.30 and this meeting's only starting at 10am. I mean, I'd fire the lot of them. This company needs to kick up the arse, quite frankly, and Belinda's the one to do it. She'll get something up her arse James, I'm not sure it's... Whoa! Well mum, I wasn't ready for that. The conference room

was upmarket, much like Belinda herself. Tony liked to impress those customers who visited the offices and one of the best ways was decent meeting spaces. Too right. Jim quickly introduced Patrick O'Hamlin. Yeah!

He's definitely done a name generator The Scottish and Ireland regional sales manager Oh my god, no shit Patrick O'Hamlin As he played his flute into the office Paddy O'Hamlin came in with his harp As an actual Irishman himself He should totally be offended And Ken Dewsbury Regional sales manager for Central and North England.

For Central and Northern England? Yes. It's quite a big plot, quite important. Well, someone's Scotland and Ireland. That's two different countries. Both were like chalk and cheese. Patrick was a fast-talking Irishman, originally born in Dublin, whilst Ken was from God's own country, South Yorkshire, and sported an accent to match. My God, thought Belinda.

What a varied team. Surely we can do something with this lot. Belinda called the meeting to a halt at noon. Patrick and Dave had each given their hourly presentation, though Belinda could have asked enough questions to extend their presentations to three hours each. Thank fuck she didn't. However, she knew she needed an overview and the detail could come later in the field when she spent time with each manager individually what are you talking about where is the sex

do you know what should we just tear this chapter out just burn this chapter just pretend this never happened it is living up to its title somehow oh my goodness do you think Rocky did he phone this one in do you think your mum wrote this one do not bring Wilma into this lunch was a quick

pint and sandwich at the local pub the bull in the rushes and as time was of the essence she felt she could only work a little bit of her female magic

here we go female magic. Ooh. Here we go. Female magic. Hello. In the ladies' toilets, Belinda removed her jacket, blouse, and bra. Drink. We've been so starved of sex, we're all getting so giddy.

I can't even speak. I can't bear it. She ran the cold tap. I'm all a quiver. She ran the cold tap and dabbed the water onto her nipples making them stand to attention. That'll have to do for now

she thought as she shoved her bra into her leather handbag. She put her blouse back on leaving three of the five buttons undone. She was now showing her cleavage big time and threw her jacket casually over her shoulder. The silken blouse quickly became transparent due to the water and clung longingly to her stunning breasts. Drink.

So that's what she's up to. But wait, it's only going to be clinging in the nipple area. So it's going to look like she's lactating through her blouse. Yeah. Sexy. She walked back into the drinking area. The bar, if you will.

The pub, yeah. The watering hole. And observed the effect she had on her new sales team. Only two of her managers immediately observed her subtle change of attire. That's not subtle.

And Belinda soon noticed some astute elbowing going on around the team. Her blouse is sopping wet. What do you mean? Accompanied with wry smiles from the northerners. I love that the northerners are really interesting. Scottish and Irish, but don't worry about it.

Lads, lads, lads. Jim was chuckling to himself as he was office-based. And he had heard the rumours put around by Bella and Giselle. Now he could believe them. Are you freaking kidding? They've been spreading muck about. Belinda. Belinda.

They're the one who instigated it. I know. They're right mucky puppies themselves. Giselle needs to get some. Respect that is. The afternoon sessions were equally as professional and Belinda was particularly impressed by Ken Dewsbury. The man showed wit, style and competence in that order.

Des Martin was however a true pro. His London bearing and obvious sales talents indicated to Belinda that he was probably her first avenue to finding out how the individual members of the regional sales team ticked. By the end of the meeting, Belinda's blouse had dried out, but her lack of bra and hardened nipples

chafing continually against the tight blouse were still being noticed. I hope she's got some of that ointment from chapter 2. Yeah, they'll still be scratched from Giselle. Just a little chamomile lotion for that. I love that every chapter you can have a new product for her to put on her breast. Tiger balm, chamomile lotion. I could make a fortune.

Just makes me wonder what your nipples have had to put up with in the past. Does it? We can put that thought back in your head. Good, she thought. let's see who has the guts to make the first move in her short closing comments which wound down the business side of things belinda suggested they all adjourned to the pentra hotel which was beside heathrow airport that meant the two managers who were on evening flights to leeds and glasgow could get off easily

and the rest of them could drive home after the rush hour traffic. Give a fuck. Why are you telling us this? It's so mundane. When does Des Martin take his trousers off? That's what I want to know. James, put your trousers back on. Belinda also decided to throw in a couple of wild cards

so she asked Giselle and Bella if they would join her team for a couple of drinks on their way home. Don't trust those two bitches. Both were as keen as mustard when they found out it was all on Belinda's expenses. Oh, piss heads the pair of them, jeez. Yeah, piss heads, gothics and freeloaders. Jim Thompson drove the three girls over to the Pentra, where they met the regional sales managers in the long bar which overlooked the runway.

It was now six o'clock and the bar was filling up. Jim found seats at a table tucked away in the far corner of the room. Belinda started the proceedings by taking off her jacket and downing her G&T in one. Bella followed and Giselle accidentally spilt some of her drink over her blouse, which meant that she had to go to the restroom and dry off.

Restroom? The American again. All that came off was her bra and like Belinda earlier that day she was ready for action with a translucent white blouse and to die for nipples. Alice, you're a lady. Hello. Have you ever done this trick? Like, got into the toilet, put a few dabs

of cold water on your nipples. And whip my bra off? Whip your bra off and hit the towel. Doesn't ring any bells but not the worst idea I've ever heard. Jim was on the ball and by the time Giselle had returned, he had two replacement G&Ts on the table. Bella, by now, had gathered the drift of the drink sessions and decided to... What the fuck does that even mean?

The drift of the drink sessions? I love that you have to keep stopping. This chapter is... I mean, it is retarded. No offence, Dad. Love you, but what the hell is this? Bella, by now, had gathered the drift of the drink sessions. As she wasn't wearing a bra that day,

she coyly unbuttoned the top three of her blouse buttons and slowly removed her jacket. Why has everyone got a jacket and a blouse on? And why will no one wear a bra? Her cleavage was revealed and a quiet gasp of admiration went around the table. What noise is a quiet gasp of admiration went around the table. What noise is a quiet gasp of admiration? Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh... Oh. Des Martin whispered. The tonic will stay in your blouse.

Look at Belinda's and Giselle's already. Yeah, famously, the clear tonic will stay in her blouse. Bella smiled and thought, will I be the first? Surely Belinda can't,

as these guys report to her. Then, in a quick movement, Bella unbuttoned the rest of her blouse and let her magnificent breasts hang out for all to see. Hang out. In the pub?

Are they just in a Wetherspoons or whatever and she's getting her boobs out? They're not even in the Bull in the Rushers anymore, are they? No, he threw out. No, no, no, they're in the Pentra or whatever it's called. Sorry. Still generally frowned upon to whap your baps out, isn't it? Yeah. And also, they're hanging.

Ken Dewsbury choked over his pint of bitter your baby bloody did whilst the other three regional managers oh my god the word regional managers

I'm going to scream drink no that is a big one to drink on regional managers and someone earlier took something off quickly sorry I meant to say

Ken Dewsbury choked over his pint of bitter whilst the other three regional managers chanted quietly who's next who's managers chanted quietly, Who's next? Who's next?

Chanted, who's next? Who's next? Who's next? Can you imagine being in this hotel bar? You'd be like, who the hell are these people? Poor Dewsbury's choking his guts up. No one's heimlicking him, are they? Well, that wasn't a pun. It does sound like a euphemism. Belinda looked at Giselle, who nodded,

and in a leisurely fashion, with a big hint of tease, unbuttoned the rest of her blouse. Hint of a tease. Hint of a tease. Da-da-da-da. Her tits hung freely. Oh, God. Like pomegranates.

Here we go. Which famously don't hang. Hang like pomegranates. They hung like pomegranates. You know what Rocky thought there? He was like,

not going for melons. Too obvious. Way too obvious. I'm going to have to Google what pomegranate looks like. One end's quite spiky. Her tits hung freely like pomegranates. Genuinely my favourite quote. And she gently massaged them with her hands.

Come on, Belinda, whispered Ken. Don't let the sales team down now. I've got a picture of a pomegranate. I now know what Giselle's breasts look like. Belinda smiled and replied, I'll want a 10% increase in your sales next month, Ken. Done, he replied. Belinda slowly opened the remaining two buttons of her blouse.

Her tits fell loose. Fell loose. She's 29. Her tits fell loose. Fell loose. She's 29. Like a sack of rocks. Fell loose. Like a sack of spuds. Like a sack of pomegranates. Also, was her blouse holding in her breasts? Yeah.

Silk can be very strong. It's soft but sturdy. Very sturdy. Her tits fell loose. She took a drink and started to massage her nipples with her fingertips. Alice is allergic to sex. Sorry, I just orgasmed. You had a tenth of an orgasm, much like the 10% increase in Ken's sales figures. The RSMs all clapped

in admiration has he finally abbreviated it he has dumped the regional sales managers thank god and they're now just the RSMs

they just gave a round of applause what for the tits yeah never had they had a sales meeting culminate like this one things were looking up

and with three pairs of stunning breasts on show they could do anything they do not sound stunning they sound like they're all hanging around their knees the way he's described.

James, you now know what a pomegranate looks like do not tell me that they are not attractive breasts. Let loose. Hung loose. Jim Thompson went

to get more drinks and the girls started to finger and discuss the merits of each other's nipples. Discuss the merits? Oh, I like yours because the nipple sticks out.

You've got an innie. What's that about? An innie? You have an innie nipples, can't you? Babe, get them checked out. I like the size of your areola. I love that you've got three.

That's unusual. I don't know why they sound like this. Don't make us more jealous, girls, said Patrick O'Hamlin, but I've got a plane to catch. Me too, said Ken Dewsbury they both got up

shook everyone's hands and departed with much looking over their shoulders at the line up of tit available at the table I love the use of singular tit yeah look at all that tit there's such a bag load of tit here

I love that everyone shook everyone's hands everyone shook everyone's hands. Everyone shook everyone's hand, but all the women are topless. Shaking of hands. What do you want them to do, shake their nipples? No, but shaking a hand, it seems beyond that point. Motorboat them. James, that would not be professional.

Oh. James, it's a business meeting, you idiot. Of course. How they wish they both had the guts to finger those breasts why is everyone fingering them fingering breasts the bar was now getting more crowded

and Belinda thought it was sensible to button up their blouses as they didn't want to get accused of being prostitutes I mean god forbid

talk about too late Des Martin and Dave Wilcox drank up sadly said their goodbyes and disappeared out of the bar. Oh my god. None of these men care. No.

They've just left these three naked women. These women must be like, we've given it our all. In a public place to bear their rest. In a Wetherspoons. It's no life, is it? Worst meeting ever. Thanks Donna and Giselle. You really helped me out. Donna? Donna? Oh god. Who the hell's Donna? Is really helped me out Donna? Donna?

who the hell's Donna? is he mistaken Bella for Donna? he means Bella he means Bella he's written Donna he's very confused who the hell is Donna? oh Rocky

oh Rocky babe thanks Donna and Giselle you really helped me make a breast of it said Belinda laughing. I mean, that is the worst pun ever, isn't it? It's the worst sentence ever. Not only is one of the characters not in the book, it's like, make the best of it.

Yeah. One more drink and Jim will get us back to the office. Jim went back to the bar, ordered the drinks and paid the tab. The girls drank up slowly, reliving the looks on each of the regional managers' faces when they showed them their breasts. That was interesting, Belinda, said Donna. Oh my god, she's still called Donna. That was interesting, Belinda,

said Donna slash Bella. Any more events like that for us? Let's wait and see, replied Belinda. Let's wait and see. That's the end of chapter three. Stop it. Very light on the sex, but I feel like we get to know her a lot better. Do you know who I don't feel like I know, though?

Who? Donna. At all. Hashtag who is Donna. I think it's fair to say the most boring chapter yet. Yeah, it's brilliant. I hope all of our listeners have enjoyed their sleep. We had two very racy chapters.

You do need a break at some point. It can't just be sex, sex, sex. Exactly. You need to really invest in these characters. And if they're always getting their knickers off, you can't do that. I guess I just wanted a meat market. But you're right. It's the narrative that's driving this chapter.

So what's the next chapter called? the next chapter is called The Maze oh well I can hardly wait yeah so you must join us again next time for Blender Blink chapter 4

The Maze but in the meantime feel free to download the book you can buy it off Amazon or Scribed or Kindle or iTunes

or any of those places and feel free to tell your friends to skip chapter 3 thanks for listening