My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E1 - 'Ritz Spa Gossip'

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Belinda and the gang are BACK as they open 'Belinda Blinked 2'. This week, Giselle lets Belinda in on some sexy secrets as the girls treat themselves to a free spa treatment... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Basically, all the good stuff. the wait is over i have belinda blink too in front of me along with james and alice hi guys hi hi are you excited so excited i can't even express it i can't believe we're here again it has been a bit of a wait, but I think it's a wait that's been worth it because I think we're all now ready. It's like Jaws 2, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water. We're going to need a bigger dildo.

How's Rocky been? Rocky is brilliant. He is loving the response of My Dad Wrote a Porno Series 1. He's a celebrity. Well, he's a known author which he's a notable author he's an author of note which is good for him people are desperate to see what he looks like as well he is the banksy of porn well alice and i have seen him he's a very dashing chap do you think he's at a stage now where he would get the trimmings of a national treasure what are the

trimmings of a blue plaque maybe um you know somewhere notable named after you like a theater or a public building like a library the rocky flintstone library amazing i'm joking in part but two million people have downloaded this that makes him i'd say as well known as mary berry do you think the Queen's listened? I would not doubt it. But we do have listeners in the Vatican City, so the Pope's listened. That is incredible.

Yeah. How many? I think two. But that's even more incriminating, surely. It's the Pope and a cardinal. We should have used an encrypted line. No! They are so busted.

Who knew this would be the scandal on the Catholic Church? Okay, well guys, as is customary with Belinda Blink books, it's not just called Belinda Blink 2 because that would be madness. Oh, there's a colon. Semi.

Is there a semi? There's a semi. Has Rocky got a semi on? Amazing. So the full title is Belinda Blink 2, semi-colon, the continuing story of, comma, dripping sex, passion and big business deals.

Are you sure it's deals? Deals. What the hell is deals? Semicolon. Oh. Semicolon. Oh. Keep following the sexiest sales girl in business as she continues to earn her huge bonus

by being the best at removing her silk blouse. This is the title. Author, semicolon, Rocky Flintstone, semicolon. What is happening? What the hell is dripping sex? I don't want to know. And also, you can't do a call to action in the title. Continue the story of dripping sex. You can't do that. So also, you can't do a call to action in the title. Continue the story of tripping sex.

You can't do that. So yeah, so that's the full title. But we will just be using Belinda Blink 2 for ease. Sport, sport. I know, I'm sorry. I don't want to highlight myself as not being fully up on book one. Okay. But it's a bit of a blur.

Yeah, we should kind of have a think about where we left Belinda. So she just finished up with the Duchess in the chalet. And I think they'd said their goodbyes, hadn't they? They'd like exchanged email addresses and stuff. And then the Duchess literally sped off into the morn. Yeah, she did in that cloud of dust. And then Belinda went back to the office? She was back in the office by 9.30, which is only half an hour late.

So do we think we're going to be starting where we left off, so to speak? I don't know how rocky that is. I feel like it would be more curveball for him to be like, it's 2084. Belinda. Belinda, an old woman reminiscing about her time in the maze.

The Duchess is just a head in a jar. Okay, guys, so are we ready? Oh my God. Rocky Flintstone, what are you going to throw at us sorry i'm just so excited i've got really hot in the face okay i can't believe it's book two chapter one i know it's crazy so do you want to have a sweepstakes on what the first chapter is going to be called of book two where do we think rocky's going with this? He loves a timed chapter. Yeah, I was thinking, will it be like 9.30? Oh, interesting.

Monday morning meeting? I mean, that would be a logical guess. It's not that. Does it have her name in the title? No, it has got a name. One that I'm not sure will be allowed to use, but anyway. Tell us. Okay.

Okay. Belinda blinked. Two. Chapter one. but anyway tell us okay Belinda blinked two chapter one Ritz spa gossip oh god what does that mean

I mean we're about to find out Ritz spa gossip Spa. Gossip. Belinda's phone rang. Oh, God! We're in it now.

I only thought she had a pager. Yeah, has she ever used a phone? It won't be a smartphone. Belinda here, she answered. It's Tony. Get your ass into my office pronto. Wow sir on the double replied belinda feeling distinctly upset already more than she ever spoke in book one yeah this is incredible dialogue yeah why is she upset why is she upset after all she'd done for the company yesterday she didn't need to be treated like the office cat the office cat i haven't worked in one office without a cat does she mean her pussy is that what she means because it does not get treated well it's such a stray um it's not microchipped that

god knows it should be um that's given us an indication where we're at. It must be Monday morning. It must be Monday morning. Yeah, you're right. It's literally 9.31. What a slow pace. After all she'd done for the company yesterday, she didn't need to be treated like the office cat. But it was Tony, the MD, so she'd better get along quick-ish.

Is that like young-ish? Yeah. It's the return of the ish. Two minutes later, belinda was standing outside tony's door that was quickish she mentally steeled herself and knocked i don't understand what she's done wrong come in answered a gruff voice ah belinda that was fast sit down belinda did as she was told still furious at his demeanor to her i don't understand yeah he's done there's a lot of tension here that hasn feel hasn't really been explained.

Also Belinda doing what she's told. God, this is a turn up for the books. The most passive woman in the pots and pans industry. So out of character. He passed her a fax and said... Fax? What is a fax? Belinda, what is this?

No, he didn't. A printed email. He passed her a fax and said, what do you make of that? It was an official order from Peter Rouse's supermarket company for 5,000 units of utensils. Are they up to the running range? God.

Fantastic breathed, Belinda. Fantastic. How do you breathe a word? Thanks Voldemort Belinda, it's not fantastic It's bloody unbelievable What did you do with him yesterday afternoon in that bloody maze? Well

You do not want to know Where do I start? Basically Ah, that would be a professional secret Mr Mr. MD, sir, replied Belinda. Oh, shut up. Well, it's a sweet deal for the company. We've had some of these units in stock for at least six months. And this will clear our inventory very nicely.

How depressing is that, though? She shagged to get rid of a bit of old stock that they couldn't shift out of the warehouse. They've had it for six months. Not even the new range. But the quality is still good, Tony, said Belinda, fearing they were going to sell Rouse's organisation a pup. A pup? A seal pup?

What do you mean a pup? A pup, that's a new one to me. Does that mean a duff? Yeah, I think so, like a duff. A cat and a pup? The office cat, a pup. It's like animals do the funniest things. Can I just draw attention to the fact that nothing's happened so far?

To be fair, we're only like four sentences in. And to be fair, we're reading Belinda Blink too, so what did you expect? What did you sign up for? But the quality is still good, Tony, said Belinda, fearing they were going to sell Rouse's organisation a pup. The best, of course. It's just our sales force can't get any outlets for them. But thinking on it, perhaps the continent is where we should have been selling them in the first place. Worst sales team ever.

Also, famously, it's not the best range. If they can't shift it, then it's not the best, is it? It's a pup. It's an absolute pup. This whole book's a pup. Oh my God, this book is a pup. Great, said Belinda. I'm in Amsterdam this Thursday and Friday to tie up the loose ends with Peter.

So I'll keep in touch on this one. You know what tie up the loose ends means. I certainly do. Meeting now officially over, said Tony. As everyone does at the end of a meeting. Also, it wasn't a meeting. Also, the quickest meeting in history. Belinda left the office feeling stunned.

It wasn't every Monday morning a new major client came on board. Whatever next? How is she stunned? He essentially said he was going to put in a massive order. Yeah. But maybe she thought a massive order into her vagina, not into her bank account. Well, it's not into her bank account. It's a still spot some fans.

Good point. So she's acting in the best interest of the business. So we're starting on a high. Belinda's successful. Yeah. Finally, the hard work of the business. So we're starting on a high. Belinda's successful. Yeah. Finally, the hard work's paying off. Back in Belinda's office, Giselle popped her head around the door and said to Belinda, he's given us some free passes to the Ritz.

So why not come with me today to the spa? By the way, there are no such things as free passes to the Ritz. It's not Alton Towers. It's not Drayton Manor Park. Like there is no free pass to the Ritz. A fast pass. A fast pass. It's not Drayton Manor Park. Like there is no free pass to the Ritz. A fast pass. A fast pass. Into the sauna.

Speedy boarding. Welcome back Giselle, should we say. Oh yes, welcome Giselle. Good to have you with us again. Good to see you. Don't trust her as far as you can throw her. Thanks Giselle.

That's fantastic. Belinda grinned. Come on, let's get out of here. Pronto. 9.30. Yeah. On a Monday morning.

Second day of work. To be fair, she's earned some blue days, hasn't she? And she's just got that massive order in. The woman deserves a bit of... All right, all right. The Ritz Spa was in central London, near Knightsbridge. Near the Ritz, I presume. Is it near Knightsbridge?

No. It's near Green Park, is it not? Yeah, it's nowhere near Knightsbridge. But maybe the Ritz Spa is not next to the Ritz. The Ritz Spa was in central London. Oh, near all those cut shops, probably. Oh, wonderful. How convenient. Near Knightsbridge.

So the two girls took the tube. At the spa entrance, they passed over their admission cards and let everything just happen. Admission cards? Admission cards. Let everything just happen. Sure. I'm just going to put that admission card there

and then if everything could just happen, I. I'm just going to put that admission card there and then if everything could just happen I'll wait here. The cards were of VIP status and they were immediately led to a lounge serving champagne. They left their valuables

in a small room where they also changed into white robes and collected three large towels each. Three? No limit on the towels guys. This is the Ritz.

VIP? A staff member then guided them to the mud room oh god i feel it's about to start is this a leather room coated in mud dear ladies we are honored to have you join us today please feel free to ask for refills or anything else you might desire first you will experience the mud room then the saunas then the crystal pools and finally the beauty salons the whole process the beauty salons is that a chapter list are we going to

be in the spa for the whole book is this the index this is belinda blink too everyone chapter four the crystal pools the whole process takes around five hours. Jesus, sweet baby Jesus, that's a long time. So lunch will be served when you want it. Belinda and Giselle looked at each other. Plenty of time to chat then, said Giselle. Lots to hear, I think, replied Belinda. Lots to hear. Oh my God, the stuff those two are going to gossip about.

But it is Ritz Bar Gossip, so. Oh my God, it's classic Ritz Bar Gossip.. But it is Ritz Bar Gossip so. Oh my god, it's classic Ritz Bar Gossip. We're at the Ritz Bar Gossip. It finally makes sense. Giselle relaxed into her mud pack and sipped her champagne thoughtfully. That sounds like a rocky word for bottom. I'm just going to sit on my mud pack.

Oh. Belinda, do you mind if I tell you everything? I mean, even the stuff I kept from tony wait wait wait wait so when the duchess was like about to unveil all that stuff and like reveal all of those things could this be like some of the exciting stuff that we didn't find out as big and anti-climax as i mean it it could be let's let's believe it is until we find out what it actually is. Because I feel it's going to be less exciting than that. So wait, is Giselle going to tell Belinda what she was up to in the time that you were apart?

I imagine so, yeah. Giselle, if it means that much to you, then I'd be honoured, said Belinda. Playing it cool, isn't she? Not trying to be too keen. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Kind of like coaxing it out of her. If you want to tell me, fine. I'm just going to place this dictaphone on the table.

This is entirely unrelated. Then I'd be honoured, said Belinda. So spill the beans. Is that what it's in here? Tell me everything. Well, as you know, just after the barbecue, Tony placed you in the maze. He then took me to the building which houses Sir James's antique cars.

It's quite large, and in the centre, there was a four-poster bed. What, in the centre of a garage full of cars? Can I just say, before we delve into this any further, I like that he's kind of fleshing out... Calling back. Yeah, I like that. Because we thought we would never have those huge gaps filled

yeah it's like a flashback it's giving me more respect for Rocky yeah it's making me think this is an actual book it's giving me food

for thought it's early days okay let's not give him too much credit Tony tethered me to the four poster with some ridiculously

pink coloured plastic handcuffs so ridiculous surprise surprise Belinda nodded she knew only too well this scenario Tony tethered me to the four-poster with some ridiculously pink-coloured plastic handcuffs. So ridiculous. Surprise, surprise. Belinda nodded. She knew only too well this scenario. He told me he would be back in two hours and to enjoy the bed. Nothing happened for the first hour, and I thought...

Oh! Literally nothing happened. Sounds like the start of this chapter. Yeah. Nothing happened for the first hour. And I thought, well, fun party that hasn't happened. At least I'll be comfortable here on this posh bed. Such small dreams Giselle has.

Just such simple desires. Yeah. Then I heard the singing. What? Hang on. Singing. Gospel. Was it a gospel choir? Then Oh I heard the singing What? Hang on Singing Gospel Was that a gospel choir? The cast of Sister Act

Enter What do you mean Singing? Asked Belinda Precisely what I was thinking Now intensely interested Weren't you at the beginning When she said

Can I tell you everything That I didn't tell Tony? Yeah spill the beans Spill the beans It was an old Irish song called... Is it Paddy O'Hamlin? With his little harp. Playing in his harp.

What do you mean singing, asked Belinda, now intensely interested. It was an old Irish song called Will You Go, Lassie Go. Oh my God. Is that an old Irish song? It is Go Lassie Go Oh my god Is that an old Irish song? It is It is a classic, it's a staple of the Morton household

Haven't you sung it for us before? Probably, drunk Will you give us a little burst? Will you go Lassie go And we'll all go together Together Will you go, lassie, go It's lovely.

It's beautiful. Beautiful melody. It's quite mournful for someone that's about to approach someone to have sex. Yeah, you're right. It's quite, I'd say, downbeat. It was an old Irish song called Will You Go, Lassie, Go. How very apt, said Belinda. Is it?

I don't know, is it? Oh, as in go, lassie go. How should we go, lassie go, yeah. But it's not go, lassie go. It's like go, lassie go. Did you think it was like a Rihanna song? Go, lassie go, lassie go. That's my impression of Rihanna.

Yes, they sang it really well. They? What do you mean they? Oh, all's go. That's my impression of Rihanna. Yes, they sang it really well. They? What do you mean, they? Oh, all in harmony. All? It is a choir. They have great voices, of course. Of course.

Who is it? Who are they? Giselle about to get in some weird orgy with an Irish folk band. Is it the Coors? Is it the Coors? Is it Jim Coors? And the others? Sharon will not approve of this seriously

why do I know all the cause I don't know embarrassed do you know all the members of like NSYNC and things like that yeah do you want me to list them now

yeah Lance Bass yeah Jay Shazay yeah Justin Timberlake yes Joey Fatone

Joey Fatone and the other one and the other one and the other one we got there every boy. And the other one, we got there. Every boy band has another one, don't they? Anthony Costa. Don't tell me it's NSYNC. Yeah, NSYNC jumped on Giselle, not Lance, for obvious reasons.

Lance is coordinating the effort. I didn't think Lance Bass would feature in this episode, but there you go. What a flight of fancy. Yes, they sang it really well. All in harmony. They have great voices, of course. If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were suffering from a type of Stockholm Syndrome, mused Belinda.

How many of them did you say there were? She didn't say how many there were, number one. Number two. Stockholm Syndrome, isn't that when you're a captive? did you say there were she didn't say how many there were number one number two stockholm syndrome isn't that when you're a cat yeah when you're captive and then you like fall for your fall in love with your captor but then surely belinda has stockholm syndrome too because she had a great old time in the maze yeah and loved the duchess yes good point pot kettle belinda people in glass houses shouldn't shag in mazes god you you know what I mean? Or whatever the saying is.

God, you say that all the time. If I had a pound. Ah, my first confession, Belinda. I told Tony there were six of them. But actually, there were only three. Belinda let a slow whistle emit through her teeth. Like a boiling kettle. She's too hot.

She's done. Belinda let a slow whistle emit through her teeth and thought, six would definitely have been better than three. Classic Belinda. She's such a guzzle guts. Isn't she so greedy? So, they marched into the building between the cars and up to the bed where I was sitting naked. They reminded me a bit of the Seven Dwarves.

Except there were three of them. And there's no mention of them being dwarves. There might be. Never. Second guess, Rocky Flintstone. Yeah. They reminded me a bit of the Seven Dwarves. They always went everywhere in a line.

And what are these ones called? Like shaggy, cummy and dirty. Dirty. I love that you ran out of things. And just a little bit dirty. Fetishy. Grubby. All they were wearing was a black thong.

All three of them were sharing one. So it didn't take them long to get ready for action. Well, then they started to kiss me all over. And eventually one of them called Kevin started to lick my pussy. Kevin! Let's move forward. Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin! We'll be instagramming that so a trio of singers one of them's called kevin who's obviously the most forward one irish singers irish singing irish song not irish oh sorry yeah you're right okay but why would they be singing that obscure irish song if they weren't irish love that song it's a top 10 hit for nYNC well then they started to kiss me all over and eventually one of them called Kevin started to lick my pussy another called Danny massaged my tits and a third called Sean kissed my ass and another called Danny massaged my tits and a third called Sean Sean. Kevin, Danny and Sean. And another called Danny massaged my tits.

And a third called Sean kissed my ass. Hang on. That's literally a phrase that means fuck off. Kiss my ass, Sean. Was he just like on a bum sheet? But she's attached to the bed. So how logistically is this possible? Oh, hang on.

Alice is thinking about the logistics. Unless the four-poster bed is a bunk bed. And so from beneath, somebody could be pecking at her tush. Like a starved bird. Like rabbits drink from those water bottles. Exactly that. Oh, God. Belinda wondered what Giselle was missing out it all sounded terribly civilized and she reckoned civilized missing out what other body parts

are there everything's covered elbows sucked an elbow jason was nibbling her kneecaps belinda wondered what giselle was missing out. It all sounded terribly civilized and she reckoned she had had a harder time in the maze. Belinda said nothing and just nodded. Oh great. She hasn't blinked yet. Oh she hasn't, you're right. Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription?

Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. This all lasted for about 10 minutes with a bit of rotation going on between the lads. Rotation? Lads, you cover the rotation. I'll just stay put. And repo.

Everyone moves around the body. This all lasted for about 10 minutes with a bit of rotation going on between the lads. Between you and me, Danny was the best at licking my clit. Though I never said anything, as I didn't want to upset any of them. Oh, that's so polite. If Kevin went in first as well, he must have thought, I'll start there.

He was warming her up. I'll warm her up. Yeah. I mean, they were all good, but Danny was definitely the best. Belinda started to wonder what Giselle was trying to say. Did she fancy Danny? Who cares? Also, no, he just was good at licking her clit.

And also, would it be outrageous? Yeah. He's already gone down on it. You fancy him? Well, yeah, fine. In the meantime, of course, I started to pump their cocks with both hands. It was an easy... How? All three? Is it like, um... It's kind of like bell ringing,

isn't it? You know. To play a song, yeah. Yeah. Dong, dong, ding, dong. Dong, precisely. Takes a lot of coordination, that, you know It's kind of like bell ringing, isn't it? You know. To play a song, yeah. Yeah. Dong, dong, ding, dong. Dong, precisely. Takes a lot of coordination, that, you know, to kind of... But no, no, you're right. Like skiing, almost. All of these references are right, but she's handcuffed to the bed.

It was an easy decision to make who got what. Tit, tush, bush. It was an easy decision to make who got what, as the one kissing my ass was out of reach, so they missed out. Sean, you there? Poor Sean. Poor Sean. I think that's why they started to rotate, if you get my meaning.

So it all makes sense, really. Belinda nodded her head again and thought, yes, I'd get a bit upset if I only had the rump and no stimulation. Oh my God. Besides, Danny's cock was really responding big time, so I started to give him a blowjob, and that sent the other two scrambling for my tits and clit. Oh, God.

Scrambling to position people. Yeah, it just sounds so messy and... It's like a war zone for the tits. The air raid siren's being called. Yeah. How was Danny's cock responding? How does a cock respond? Well.

By getting erect, surely. I'm concerned that you don't know. No, but I mean, well, presumably they were. All right. What's your question? You can do it anonymously if you want. Phone in. Yeah.

Hi, caller. Yeah. How was his cock responding? Because I presume they were all erect. So how was Danny showing he was more aroused than the others? Well, he would say that he'd come if he'd come. Yeah, how was his cock responding? Because I presume they were all erect. So how was Danny showing he was more aroused than the others? Well, he would say that he'd come if he'd come. Yeah, I don't think he's come yet. I think it's probably just like rigid, you know?

Yeah, it's like harder than the other two, maybe. Like rigor mortis, they say. I'm so glad I brought this up. Danny got hold of my hair and started to twist it while I continued working his cock down my throat like a sword he really enjoyed that and came the next minute

what is he twisting the hair a bit like the hair in the maze yeah is he the maniac he's the maniac what's his name Danny Danny the maniac oh my god of course so this is how Giselle so when she staggers out and she's like Jesus Christ What's his name? Danny. Danny the Maniac. Danny Maniac. Danny Maniac. Oh my God. Of course.

So this is how Giselle... So when she staggers out and she's like, Jesus Christ, why is she like... Yeah. She was tarred and plucked and feathered and whatever, wasn't she? Props to Rocky. That is a well thought out... Well, we haven't found out what happened yet. No, but just the way it dawned on us there.

I know. Well, I feel like maybe our listeners have clocked that from... Yeah, maybe. Maybe we're being really slow. Sentence one. Oh, maybe. Maybe we're being really slow. Sentence one. Oh, maybe. Apologies if so, guys. We got a bit bogged down with NSYNC.

Still thinking about them. Danny got hold of my hair and started to twist it while I continued working his cock down my throat. He really enjoyed that and came the next minute. I think that's when the scuffle broke out between the other two. Sc a bar brawl you know in their rush to get their cocks into my mouth oh god oh giselle wait is it like he's coming they're like she's like oh well that was wrong both at the same time i don't know Is there a name for that? Probably Stop trying to Google it

I think that's when the scuffle broke out Between the other two You know In their rush to get their cocks into my mouth Anyway They only landed a couple of punches on each other They probably had a fight Boys

Desperate is a word that comes to mind here. Anyway, they only landed a couple of punches on each other with Sean coming off the worst. He must have a beautiful black eye today thinking about it. Poor Sean. Oh, my God. Sean's really got the raw end, quite literally, of the deal. Giselle laughed and Belinda grimaced slightly.

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It's not that exciting. Also, why is Giselle laughing about... Sean got beaten to a pulp. Yeah. Sean's, like, concussed somewhere. And I farted in his face. James's idea of a sexy joke.

Giselle laughed and Belinda grimaced slightly. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Is that how you got your limp? Asked Belinda. What? What limp? Giselle had a limp, didn't she? Did she?

God, this chapter requires a lot of... Knowledge. ...remembering back to the obscure Tombola episode. Okay. I would recommend, if people are struggling, to go back and listen to chapter seven, the Tombola, which is where a lot of this originated. Is that how you got your limp?

Asked Belinda. No, but I'll come to that bit later. As I said, Kevin won the tussle for the next blowjob and I duly obliged him. He wasn't as turned on as Danny. Probably the punch to his lip from Sean didn't help. That'll do it. He was up, and when he was down, he was down. Once he was up, he was up.

Once he was down, he was down. Once he was up, he was up. So none the wiser then, good. So he was neither, he was up. Once he was down, he was down. Once he was up, he was up. Once he was down, he was up. So we're none the wiser then, good. So he was neither up nor down? He was neither up nor down, but once he was up, it was child's play to complete the job. Ew, that is not child's play.

Oh my God. And he came quickly. That only left Sean, who hadn't had an ejaculation at this point of the session. Oh my God, what is with the really, really just gross, sterile language? Sean's barely had anything at this point, bless him. So in all fairness, I had to concentrate on him. He's had a face full of ass, poor Sean.

At that point, the spa assistants came out of the side room and approached the two girls. Oh, but I thought you meant by the four-poster bed. I was like, why were they there? No, we're out of the side room and approached the two girls by the four poster bed i was like why were they there no we're out of the flashback we're now back into real world at the ritz ladies it's time to remove the mud packs please and then we'll get you to the sauna area oh my god they've been having this conversation with mud smeared all over their faces giselle and belinda fell silent and enjoyed the mud pack removal process, which only took a few minutes. And with their robes on, they were led down a corridor to the sauna area.

The assistant poured out some champagne into two fancy, delicately cut flutes. Delicate. Impeccable. Put two small white towels on their chairs and disappeared into a side room. I feel like that is a trope of Rocky's there, you know, really inane, kind of admin stuff

that gets you from A to B that no one cares about. And he also loves, um... A fancy, delicately cut flute. He just loves drinks' receptacle detail.

Big fan of glassware. This is great, said Belinda. I could certainly get used to this standard of gym very easily. Gym? It's a spa, though.

It's famously a spa. If she thinks sipping champagne with mud on her face is the gym she must be big what do you think belinda's a larger lady i think she's probably curvy i think she's just buxom yeah cheers belinda said giselle as she knocked back her champagne in one go classy bird and you too giselle here's to a happy ending to your story oh happy ending we know what that means. Belinda followed Giselle's lead and knocked back her drink.

Giselle got up, took the bottle out of the cooler, and poured another two drinks. Give a shit. Yeah, this is a lot of admin. I feel like I was there and not in a good way. Let's take these into the steam room and get started. These glasses are actually very posh plastic, so they won't break. Oh my God, we don't care!

No, they're not. I thought they were really fancy, it said a minute ago. Delicate flutes. Don't care. Yeah, delicate, not thick picnic plastic. There's a whole spin-off series for the glasses of Belinda Blint. These glasses are actually very posh plastic, so they won't break, said Giselle,

and bring that small towel so you can sit on it. Belinda followed Giselle who was still limping across the central area into the first cubicle. Dragging her leg behind her. Belinda opened the glass door and let Giselle limp into the steam. They put down their towels and glasses next to each other. For God's sake, can you skip this bit? Can you just pick a good line? I'm picturing Giselle like a veteran now. Yeah. He never says walk anymore.

He just says limping everywhere. She didn't limp down the hall to the room for the mud packs. That's a war hero. They put down their towels and glasses next to each other and waited for their eyes to accustom to the murky interior. Already inside were two well-tanned ladies with fantastic asses and good-sized tits. Oh, well done them. They were around 35 years old and obviously enjoying each other's company. What does that mean? Oblivious to the newcomers, they were kissing

and fondling each other's breasts with some enthusiasm. At the Ritz! This is a classy establishment. Pave yourselves. This is a fantastic gym. I'd rather this didn't happen there. But I feel like if you want to do that sort of thing, there's places you can go, not the Ritz. Giselle looked at Belinda. And Belinda looked at Giselle. Belinda blinked.

No. Giselle limped. If you can't beat them, join them was the phrase that came to both of their minds. Oh, come on. Without further ado, Giselle kissed Belinda full on the mouth. And Belinda responded by touching Giselle's nipples. Just the nipples?

Just the nipples. Very specific. Tiny little nipples. Belinda softly moaned as Giselle's hands snaked down to her clitoris. And she opened her legs just a touch to as Giselle's hands snaked down to her clitoris and she opened her legs, just a touch, to allow Giselle further access. Oh. Further access. Yeah, it sounds like you're getting, like...

Talk about a VIP pass. Hey! In return, Belinda took one hand away from Giselle's breast and traced a line down her body to her vagina. With a deft movement. Drink. Drink. She pulled her lips apart. Oh.

And went, hello Billy. How are you? It's not ventriloquist, dummy. It's not Jim Henson's studio. Back for more? She pulled her lips apart and found her hot spot. Hot spot?

Like Wi-Fi? Wi-Fi. What's a hot spot? I guess G-spot is what he means. I guess, but you don't... She's pulling the lips apart like the curtains on a grand theatre stage. Which I don't feel good about. She pulled her lips apart and found her hotspot.

The small nub of flesh became wet extremely quickly. What nub of flesh? What is he referring to? What nub? I'm assuming the clitoris. Oh, stop it. Oh, God. No doubt helped by the invasive steam.

Oh, God. Don't call it a nubbin. A little nub. I'm sorry. Hold your breath. The small nub of flesh became wet extremely quickly. Oh, that actually just really tore my stomach. No doubt helped by the invasive steam.

Oh, the nub. This is such a pup. Ugh. Now I feel like the office cat. Giselle murmured softly in Belinda's ear after a few moments. Oh, God. This is not the place. It really isn't.

You're in the rear. No fucking shit, Sherlock. Belinda nodded, sat back and sipped her champagne. Giselle did the same and they watched the other two women for any sign of acknowledgement. None came. Everyone's privacy was intact

and after a few more minutes, Belinda and Giselle decided to have lunch. That was so fleeting. It was like, oh, there it is. Should we go? Belinda directed the conversation over lunch back to a question she'd been meaning to ask all morning. I thought you were going to say back to a vagina because everything gets guided back there.

What was the name of the organisation these Irishmen worked for, Giselle? Who cares? No, no, no. This is important. Why? Everyone there was to do a deal, right? Yeah. Ah, Belinda the businesswoman appears, laughed Giselleelle what would you say if i didn't know

well don't answer that as i'm only teasing you banter bantasaurus rex there they are such boring co-workers they're so boring the chat is so boring try imagine five hours with belinda five hours with giselle you would probably end up i'm sure you'd find things to do. Well, that's what I mean. You just would out of boredom. Belinda pulled her face and stuck her very sweet tongue out at Giselle. Sweet tongue. Okay, okay. McDonagh brothers from Dublin.

They have six cash and carries throughout Ireland. Cash and carries? So damn market. They've only got six! What cash and carry sells pots and pans? Really good cash and carries. They have six cash and carries throughout Ireland and another seven in Boston and Chicago. Very well established.

Boston, Chicago and Dublin. Very well established and definitely of interest to us. They already do some business with us, but nowhere near their full potential. That's the story of this company we work for, replied Belinda. Great retort. As ever. Giselle nodded and poured another two flutes of champagne. Hang on, how many glasses are we on now?

They're not driving, that's why I've got the tube. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yes, and with my assistance, I reckon we can get them on board. Very business and leadership, this. You know, boring. but i think when she means assistance she means sexy time yes and with my assistance i reckon we can get them on board we don't you mean me or are you taking over sales as well as tony's job replied belinda you can drop the sass belinda we're a team said giselle i've just added that line oh my god well God. Well, you are reading her mind. Belinda, I mean we.

You and me. The team. Yes. Okay, I understand. And thanks. I've always found it hard to tie down the Irish. They tend to squirm so much. Just like a worm, replied Giselle.

Calm down. And speaking of which, interrupted Belinda, how did you lose your hair? Are they still not growing back even when they're at the Ritz? She's bald. No, she's not still plump. She's not at the spa. That's what one of the towels is for, to cover up her head.

Is she wearing a swimming cap? It looks like she is, but it just hasn't. She doesn't need one. Well, Belinda, I have to admit, I got fucked so hard. Her hair fell out. Some of my hair fell out. Oh my God.

That's not a thing. Her hair fell out in shock. Hang on. It can go grey in shock, perhaps. It's a genital disease I've inherited from my mother. A genital? i think he means or congenital yeah or congenital which is very different and should not be bandied around in the same context what does congenital mean so like like inherited yeah because he said it

it's a genital disease i've inherited from my mother. Oh, God. No, no, no, no. Right. No. No. Oh, God. I don't know of any STIs that make your hair fall out when you've had a really good shag. She's got alopecia.

Yeah, but like good shag alopecia. That was the only distressing part of the whole afternoon. I'd lost my beautiful blonde hairstyle. It'll take months to get those curves back. That's mental. Curves? Curves? Sorry, no, let's just revisit this. She was getting shagged quite hard.

Her hair was just coming out in clumps. Imagine, you'd be terrified. But also, you know what this means? What? Tony's never given her a good shag because she's got a full head of hair yeah so tony's shit in bed and also so is belinda because belinda's had sex with giselle as well and she's still got a glossy mane yeah probably she did giselle fell silent belinda put a hand on hers and said so well there's a comma there belinda put a hand on hers and said, well, there's a comma there. Belinda, put a hand on hers and said, you know, it suits you, this short hair.

Well, no hair, thought Belinda, rolling her eyes. So do face. You bitch. Okay, it could have been more curvy. Curly. What is it? Curly. Okay, it could have been more curvy.

But it's really modern. A statement. What? Having just clumps of hair in it? Giselle smiled and said, Thank you, dear friend. But what I don't understand is your limp. None of us do.

Giselle blushed. Oh, what did she do? I slipped on a pool of semen and wrenched my ankle. None of us do. Giselle blushed. Oh, what did she do? I slipped on a pool of semen and wrenched my ankle. It's like when you know you're younger, you've got like a love bite and you just have to make an excuse for it. What excuses is Giselle going to make for a bald head and a limp? Yeah, can you imagine the opener? You're never going to guess.

It's like, no, I really won't. Go on. Yeah, exactly. I slipped on some semen belinda said how terrible giselle you could have broken your arm or worse still bruised your tits giselle nodded shivered and said you won't tell tony all the truth will you all the truth all the truth what you know come cock again. I don't want him to think that I'm clumsy. Or no, I have a genetic defect.

What? Genital. He's put genetic there. I think he's going to know from the fact there's very little hair on your head. Giselle, I'm your friend. We have each other's backs. Besides, I smell another multi-million dollar deal in the pipeline. A, you're English.

Stop saying dollar. From the McDonut Brothers, or whatever they were called. They've got 13 cash and carries, Alice. A multi-million dollar deal. Globally. Dollar. It would be euro, for starters. They both laughed, and Belinda thought,

I'm not going to ask you about Danny McDonough. It could be too personal and too early sorry too early she's just shared that she gave like three blowjobs like one guy she slipped in a semen like what hasn't she shared that's true Danny McDonagh oh Danny boy

and that is the end of chapter one of Belinda Blink 2 that was quite a beast of chapter one of Belinda Blink 2. That was quite a beast. It was a long one, wasn't it? I mean, there were reveals. And we have been waiting since chapter seven, book one, for some of these reveals.

What it's shown me is that Rocky is thinking about the bigger story. Yeah. Or at least he's backtracking and going, I didn't really write a story in book one, so now's my chance to rectify that. Yeah. I introduced all these characters and never mentioned them again. I better say something about them. Makes you think, what else we're going to discover this book? Yeah, we're going to flesh out the world, which is quite

exciting. It's such a joy to be back in the world of Still's Pots and Pans. I know, isn't it? Hashtag Belinda's back, and she's not going anywhere. She's really not, and do you want to know what next week's chapter's called? Yes! So next week, we all look forward to the joys of Belinda Blink 2, Chapter 2, Amsterdam...

LAUGHTER How many extra Ms? Three. So she's off to Amsterdam. I can only assume. Yeah, so she's off to Amsterdam next week. Book 2 starts properly in Amsterdam. We'd love to hear what you think of book two so far.

We loved reading all your messages about book one. And there's a lot of ways you can get in touch with us. We've got Twitter, which is at dadwroteporno. Instagram, which is at mydadwrota. We are so impressed by the images that you send in for that. They are eye-watering. They really are. And we're on Facebook as well, mydadwroteporno.

So get in touch, chat to us, and us a review on itunes because that really helps us find new listeners which would be great so we'll be back monday with a brand new chapter and we'll be back thursday with a footnote uh guys i've got us vip passes for the ritz spa if you want to go oh my god why are we still here get your coats. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic?

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