My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E10 - 'Star Crossed Lovin''

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

Belinda and Bella arrive in Sydney for their top secret mission to find Giselle. But they seem to be more pre-occupied with trying to get Steele's Pots and Pans on Cosmo Macaroon's cooking show... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice and James, how are you both? It's chapter 10. We're nearly at the end of this. We meet again. We do indeed.

We're on the home straight. That's why I'm excited today. When you say the home straight, we are going to miss this come chapter 13. Well, you two will. Not sure I will. And who knows? Once we're in Australia, we might really start to enjoy ourselves. It's nice to have a holiday. Get a tan. On vacay. Well, we're going we're in Australia, we might really start to enjoy ourselves. Like, it's nice to have a holiday.

Get a tan. On vacay. Well, we're going to be in Australia ourselves come January. Very soon, in fact, for our tour. We start there. And we're going in the summer this time, which will be lovely. Yeah, so January there. And then the next bit of the tour is New Zealand.

Mm-hmm. Then America. Don't know if I've mentioned, but we're playing Radio City Music Hall. Are your family coming to that? Yes. I think... Are they? I can't keep my mum away.

Oh, no way. Yeah, yours. So am I. Yes, everyone's coming. Well that's six seats filled. Oh phew, okay great. A lot of my friends are coming. It's going to be quite a raucous night I think. Yeah, I don't know that I invited my parents per se. No, I'm joking. They are totally invited and if they pay full whack for the tickets, how can I stop them? Down in the UK, we're

playing all over the UK. A little run at the London Palladium, don't mind if we do. Jamie treading the boards once again. Will you be backstage or front of house? I will flip between the two. Yeah. You'll be probably writing a small one-man piece. A little sonnet backstage, yeah.

And Europe, of course. Yeah, it's going to be really, really fun. So please do get your tickets if you fancy seeing us chat all things Belinda's 30th birthday on stage. You can see this waffle live in front of your very eyes this but flabbier yes please uh if you want to get tickets you can go to mydadwrotaporno.com forward slash live you can indeed um okay so we've been in the air Hazel and Belinda in the cock pit in the literal pit of cock yeah the most unlikely of meetings it's almost if it was crowbarred

in just to get Hazel back into the book somehow. Well, she is a firm favourite with, you know, nobody. So good to see her back. Yeah, the amount of times people stop me and say, oh, Hazel, love her. When will she return? Who wants to know the chapter title of this one then? Me, me, me, me.

Star-Crossed Lovin'. Oh, okay. A little Shakespeare nod. Nomage. Yeah. As we know, Rocky prides himself on having been compared to Shakespeare by Michael Sheen. He identifies himself as Shakespeare, I think, these days. He thinks of himself as a modern bard, so.

Maybe. You know they were flying at like 70,000 feet. Maybe this is loving literally in the stars because they're so fucking high up. Oh my God, and these books go to space. Do you know what? Nothing would surprise me at this point. your dad like i mean is he into things like science well he was a geologist of course so actually he is quite technically minded is he a geologist but he doesn't know about high he just knows about low yeah very much deep into the core

of the earth yes magma is his friend not so much the stars was he a qualified geologist though that's what i'm trying to get at here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, he's got like a... He's got a degree in it. He's got a certificate. He has. He's got a degree in it.

Yeah. I forget this. From a very, very good university as well. Which one? I couldn't possibly say. Sheffield. They've distanced themselves from the course, from the lecturer and from the student. You know that he went to the same school as the Duke of Wellington?

Have we talked about this? No. I mean, obviously not at the same time, but the know that he went to the same school as the duke of wellington have we talked about this no he went i mean obviously not the same time but the duke of wellington went to my dad's who who told you this him yes well let's fact check that i think it's a tall tale jamie he does like to say that he's now the most famous ex-student including the duke of wellington um not true so is the duke of geologist? No, no, this is his school. School, right. School, yes. Oh, he's like secondary school. Yeah, in Ireland, yeah.

Oh, not the uni. That's even better. Yeah, I'm sure many, many famous people went to Sheffield University. Do you have any famous people at your school? Oh, yeah, I do, actually. Do you know the designer Sir Paul Smith? Yes. He went to your school?

He went to my school. Oh, that's a good one. When it was a boys' school. I didn't go when it was a boys? Yes. He went to your school? He went to my school. Oh, that's a good one. When it was a boys' school. I didn't go when it was a boys' school. What about you, James? No one, really. Who?

No, no one. Who? Who? No, honestly, no one. No, but who is it? There was someone that won a reality show. She was a few years below me, but we've never crossed paths in real life. Who? It's the biggest. Why are you being so... Danielle Hope years below me Who? We've never crossed paths in real life Who? It's the biggest

Why are you being so Okay, Danielle Hope Who? Who? There you go, thank you Moving on Who? James

No, I don't know who Danielle Hope is She's a West End star Fabulous West End star Very good singer Yes Alright, what is this? The gathering of the Danielle Hope fan club? Yes, welcome

Nobody famous will have gone to James' school No, like some cricketer i've never heard of i think that's the best he's never heard of you either quite sorry how did we get onto this from the duke of wellington how did we get onto this from paul how do we ever get onto anything guys right okay so chapter 10 are you ready let's get onto it okay saddle up because we're going to the stars oh my god God. Belinda blinked five. Chapter 10. Star-crossed love-in. In her Sydney hotel suite...

Thank God for that, we've landed. I thought we'd be at passport control. Belinda was lying naked on her bed. Can I just say, I actually do love doing that. You know when you get into a hotel and you just like, just strip off. No? Okay. Yeah, I do.

After a long flight or something, you just like get it all out. Or just lie there naked on the bed sheets. Well, yeah. On the bed, not in the bed. Not in the bed, on the bed. And wander round. Yeah, I wander round. Oh, fabulous.

Lock the door. Oh, fabulous. Lock the door. Oh, I do lock the door. Have you ever had it when housekeeping have come and you're like... Oh, I've had it. I'm in the toilet! But also, I don't know why I don't just go, not right now. You know, it's fine to just go in the middle of something. Full panic. But it's actually like, sorry, I just made a phone call.

Somebody has died in here. Give me five. She always thought better when naked. It was just one of her many particular traits which made her so ruthlessly successful. Well, I would say that's actually an impediment if she thinks best naked, because most of the time you're clothed, aren't you?

Yeah, not great for a brainstorm at work. Except at steals. Except at steals, okay. Belinda flicked and brushed her moister-than-most crotch, Great for a brainstorm at work. Except it steals. Except it steals, okay. Belinda flicked and brushed her moister-than-most crotch, feeling every micro-bump of her fingerprint ridges on her clit. Sorry. Is that like female masturbation?

I think it may well be. Or just masturbation. Yeah, why is it gendered? Well, it's not male masturbation, is it? Lady masturbation occurring. She's got fingerprint ridges. Yeah, so I guess your fingerprints have ridges? Yeah, but they're not that deep that you'd feel it on your clit. She's got a very sensitive clit, James, you never know.

Needless to mention, she was glad-filled to the max. Oh, yes, not a phrase. Oh, guys, we are breaking with precedent here. After a lengthy shower. Oh, my. She's actually washing her body. It's a long flight. It is a long flight.

You feel filthy after that flight. That's two showers in one book. Yeah, but I think the other one doesn't count because she was having sex in the shower. This is, well, for all we know, just a shower. Jamie, let's just be glad when she gets near water. Okay. After a lengthy shower with both gel and two for the feel of one conditioner.

It's not for the feel. It's not for the feel. But it kind of is. But does he think it's like double conditioner? Yeah, I was just wearing the two products. Two for the feel of one conditioner. There's just conditioner in there. I just use shower gel myself.

For your hair? Yeah, I don't bother with like separate products do you oh no that's very bad James is it that's dripping out of it

it's natural moisture it's a one pound shower gel from the shop it's always a pound

whatever I just use it wherever it's needed someone told me the other day actually that it's bad to wash your

penis with just regular shower gel is that true because of pH I don't know yeah they were just like they were quite shocked

when I said oh yeah just wash my body with shower gel what chats are you having in the pub but wait would you have a jar in the shower that's we don't i mean like a tub a jar whatever bottle that says like yeast extract penis soap like yeah i've never seen penis soap in the shop so i don't know what he's washing it with the only thing that i've almost seen across the board in every boy's shower at some point is that caffeine shampoo that's supposed to make your hair grow i feel like all boys have like a tiny bit of paranoia about their hair thinning and so they all have this like intense caffeine shampoo my stepdad has that yeah my friend who's got quite a bad

hairline um has just the other day decided to go fuck it and he's shaved it all off and he's going bald from now on oh my god yes to that i think good for him i think if it stresses you out yeah yeah true just a bit of a shock isn't it to see someone so young so bald but then do the curtains match the drapes do you have to just go full bald a very big beard now so i'm like it's just kind of like his head's reversed right okay so yeah clean your dicks, everyone, gently. Maybe people were shocked because you were using one of those ones with pearls in.

Well, I said that, yeah, let's not get kind of into that gritty one. Not good for the environment, guys. Really? It's like plastic, basically, isn't it?

How is it? Microbeads, microbeads. Bad for the earth, bad for your girth. Precisely, as they do say. So after a lengthy shower with both gel

and two for the feel of one conditioner she was ready to tie herself into her don't fuck with me i'm a business bitch all in one leather dress she's been tied into it there's a lot going on there yeah because dresses usually are in one piece um but this one's all in one you don't get tied into them normally do you once safely harnessed in she collected her snakeskin briefcase and left her hotel room for an office somewhere in sydney shout out to the briefcase the briefcase is bad was it snakeskin though no i think this is an upgrade and also would you wear that with a lace-up leather dress she's asking to have red

paint thrown over she really is peter i'm really is. Peter, I'm not going to be pleased. A ferry ride later, Belinda was in the office of Cosmo Macaroon's agent. Which one's Cosmo Macaroon again? He was the chef. Yeah, the TV chef. Oh, of course he was. Cosmo Macaroon.

On the telly. I loved Cosmo Macaroon. Really efficient of her, though. She saw him on telly probably about 48 hours ago. She's got a meeting. It's in the diary. She's great. Bear in mind the time difference as well.

Oh, yes. So she's been travelling for 24 of those hours. She is. She's a sight to behold. She is a bad business bitch. So a ferry ride later, Belinda was in the office of Cosmo Macaroon's agent Cornelius Kettle Oh shut up

I've only got so much patience Cornelius Kettle Is it a kids book now? It's actually my grandad's name Awkwardly Cornelius Kettle Well no just Cornelius Minus the kettle

I thought we would have heard about him here he growled as he passed her a glass of red liquid do you like pomegranate juice

oh hang on you know what's happening here it's that little nod do you think because he wrote this post series one beginning

yeah yeah we always wondered if we would get in this book a few little best ofs a few little fan favourites

greatest hits I'm just waiting for you two to turn up in the books don't don't but Linda became friends with Alice and James no thank you

to give Rocky credit where it's due that is quite a subtle nod to it is it's a little easter egg there yeah so I'd almost give him credit

if it wasn't in the same sentence as Cornelius Kettle. He has to ruin it for himself, doesn't he? So, do you like pomegranate juice? What do you want? Cosmo... So no answer for Seb's pomegranate juice offer. Assumes she shook her head. Rhetorical. What do you want? Cosmo's already said he's not doing another series of dance in the sky with the superstars.

Dance in the sky with the superstars. Let's just discuss what the format of that show is, shall we? So, it's not dancing on ice. It's not Strictly Come Dancing. It's not Dancing with the Stars. No. We presume you're dancing in the air. You are held in the air, probably on some sort of harness. Suspended at 70,000 feet. 70,000 feet on a crane. sort of harness suspended at 70,000 feet

70,000 feet on a crane and they are all superstars we're talking Meryl Streep The Rock and it's I love that those are the biggest stars Jamie could think of

yeah sorry Meryl Streep and The Rock and is this I presume their opening song is Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds yeah but with the words Dance in the Sky

with Superstars obviously so how would that go dance in the sky with superstars it really works it actually does but as Jamie dance in the sky with superstars it really works but as jamie says they have to be superstars top-notch talent and also it says he's not doing another series which implies that cosmo macaroon's done the series before and what is he doing

catering it or taking part in it because i would say that he's not a global sensation well maybe he's one of the professional dancers or he's the wolfgang puck you know like at the oscars wolfgang puck just does all the food and walks the red carpet to show off. No, I have no idea what you're talking about. Okay, good. Oh, Cornelius Kettle. I love your direct style,

but you don't understand. I work for Steels Pots and Pans and I want to supply Cosmo's telly show. Okay. Was she not clear about that in her email who did he think she was yeah yeah that's so true the producer of dance in the sky I feel like her opening gambit emails must just be like I'll be at your office at 4pm love Belinda like I don't think there's anything more to it. But that's quite clever of her, though, isn't it? To kind of decide to be the official pots and pans

of that massive TV show. I mean, yeah. I mean, it's quite an obvious collaboration, but sure. Well, she's never seen telly before, had she? She's never seen telly before, but it's just a basic product placement deal, isn't it? It's nothing, like, wildly imaginative. I also feel like

going all the way to australia on what is essentially a cold call bold yeah another expense that steels probably doesn't need at this time since they've just had their officers bombed and how many is she going to give to cornelius and cosmo she's going to give like 10 000 pounds isn't she for like one mention oh they won't even mention it it'll just be on screen so nobody will even know where they're from yeah like you glance upon and go is that a Steele's I would look at a La Cruze

and say oh it's a La Cruze to be fair that's because they've done a good job at brand recognition well no one knows what Steele's is yeah but we don't know

how iconic the Oxi Brillo range is it might have a really jazzy kind of you know shape jazzy shape jazzy shape like what

what shape is that square square pan maybe I don't know like the rim goes really high and low so stuff just spills kind of, you know, shape. Jazzy shape. Jazzy shape. Like what? What shape is that? Square. Square pan. Maybe, I don't know. Like the rim goes really high and low so stuff just spills out of it or something. That's deal. Like an Art Deco Gaudi kind of pan.

Yes, exactly. Completely ineffective, but you know what it is. Cornelius leant backwards into his taupe swivel chair. Can we take bets on whether Belinda's going to fuck Cornelius Kettle? Well, do we need to take bets?

Aren't we all going to bet yes? Yeah, that's not really how betting works, is it? Pushed back, crossed his long athletic legs and flicked his blonde hair upwards. His presentation completed. That was his presentation. I'm sorry, Miss Belinda But we start filming Series 324

This very afternoon 324 Is that one episode per series? There's no time To complete any order Hope you understand How does he know? He doesn't work for Steeles How is he deciding how long it takes for the order to be processed?

When do they start filming? Today. This afternoon. What incredible timing. Can you literally get it in this afternoon? She's an idiot. This woman's an idiot. Also, why are you taking meetings today?

This feels like quite a big day. Why is he offering strange women pomegranate juice? Oh, by series 324, he's not caring. He's just cashing that check. Oh, oh, really? Said Belinda, with the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Balls. I'm sorry, what? Where's that?

Sandy Balls. Sandy Balls. Okay, right. What is that? This is niche. So when we were... James, you sound like you knew. I do know this one.

You've told me about this before. So when we were kids kids the parentals were like right we're gonna go for like a week away so we thought center parks oasis any of the go-tos ho seasons that would be very appropriate for belinda it really would um no we rocked up at sandy balls uh which is kind of like a center park no you didn't no we'd know we really did sandy balls is real yeah yeah it's real well i don't know if it's still around but it was around no no it is it is i saw adverts around the tube like last year no there you go did rocky find the card in a kind of disused telephone box where how did he find out about it so weird right but it was actually a really nice

place but just what a name is it deliberately a bit silly um it wasn't knowing at the time well i mean i was so little i don't really know but maybe it was kind of a bit of a ii Is it deliberately a bit silly? It wasn't knowing at the time. Well, I mean, I was so little, I don't really know, but maybe it was kind of a bit of a aye-aye. Is it a chain of Sandy Balls? I think there's only one Sandy Ball. There's only one Sandy Ball? There's one Sandy Ball. So she's like, oh, oh, really?

Oh, no, she said it was all the entertainment value of a week of Sandy Ball, so. Is that a lot of entertainment value? Oh, it's very, very well done, all the entertainment. What sort of things are we talking about? Cabaret nights. Cabaret nights. You know, paints Paints

Paints Wow Paints Paints Oh my goodness Cabaret nights, we had paints Tonight, ladies and gentlemen Paints

All the paints you can imagine We've got red We've got blue And ladies and gentlemen We've got green We've got red. We've got blue. And ladies and gentlemen, we've got green. We've got canvas. No, you bring the canvas. We'll bring the paint.

No, we painted plates. That's worse. I like the sound of paints night. I imagine they just showed you. I like to think they had a series of tins of wall paint and then they'd open them

and go oh there's a pink one guess the colour guess the colour guess the colour it's called Midnight Express what colour ladies and gents

that's got to be a blue it's got to be a blue do you know what it was a blue it was I did so well at paint it's like a bingo card you've got all the samples

and you have to get them all and all the Flintstones like, what a great paints night. Oh my God. Just went back every year for paints. Guys, what is this? Oh, acrylic? It's acrylic. It's acrylic.

You guessed it. It was eggshells. Sorry, everyone. My name's Matt. Just a little joke. My name's Matt and this has been paints. I think we really struck on something it's the glossiest night at sandy ball oh my god so that was uh an interesting tangent. Okay. So she says, Oh, really? Said Belinda, with the entertainment value of a week at Sandy Balls.

She stood, clicked her finger buds twice, and her whole dress fell to the ground. It was laced up super tight. It was. So the dress is click operated. Yes, but by finger buds alone. Yes, exactly. And it just falls off.

So she clicked her finger buds twice and her whole dress fell to the ground. It revealed only her body but not just her body. So not only her body. She was wearing nothing but pot and pan lids covering her nips and very own lids.

People will be so happy about this. They send us this sort of thing all the time, don't they? How does she fit them under the dress? How are they affixed? She thinks this is going to sell at the 11th hour. Look here, Mr. Agent Man. Oxy, Brillo, range, range, range. She is demented.

This woman is not all there. She's got jet lag in a really unusual way. She chanted as she shaked her bits, bobs and boobs. We're not even talking about the past participle of shake. I can't even go there. Shaked. Shook, Dad. Shook.

After her performance, her lips were smiling. Which ones? But Cornelia's kettle simply said, No. Get out. Oh, get out. Oh, crikey. Belinda was flummoxed. She'd never experienced a thing like this.

Rejection. What was this? After being forcibly removed from the office... She wasn't. With the lids in place or not. Could you imagine? I will not leave here until I get my order. I'm a bad bitch of business. What was she thinking?

Oh, if I jiggle my bits with some... Well, it does usually work. No. No, it does. It works every time. It's worked with everybody from international businessmen to down-on-their-luck drama teachers. Everybody.

This doesn't work down under. They've got a different work ethic clearly so after being forcibly removed from the office block belinda knew one thing and one thing only plan b it had to be if that wasn't plan b i dread to think what she's cooking up next lots of time and effort went into that plan plan b it had to be and plan b meant Bella. Is that what the B stands for? We presume so. The duo met in the bar atop the Shangri-La Hotel. Switzwoo.

We should go and pay homage when we go. Oh yeah. We'll be there in January. Poured their Australian Chardonnay and hatched their Plan B. Oh, they haven't planned Plan B? No, they're hatching it now. Oh my God, it's time for Plan B. I don't know what it is. Bella was jet haven't planned Plan B. No, they're hatching it now. Oh, my God. It's time for Plan B. I don't know what it is.

Bella was jet-lagged to buggery, so was tucking into her all-day breakfast lasagna. All-day breakfast lasagna. What the hell's in that? Sausage, egg, beans. Like a full English. All that between loads of pasta. And a bechamel.

Oh, don't. Top with a roux. Bella was jet-lagged to buggery, so was tucking into her all-day breakfast lasagna with fervour. Sorry, that's really just hit me, the all-day breakfast lasagna. At the Shangri-La as well, that's because libel is. Belinda needed only the sustenance of a good strong cock to get her through the time zone lurgy,

but Bella, she ate, and ate well. I've never heard the phrase time zone lurgy. That's good, isn't it? I've got the time zone lurgy, guys. Also, it's a cure of the time zone lurgy just to eat as much as possible. It's weird you say that because you're not supposed to eat

to avoid jet lag on the plane, are you? They say just don't eat on the plane. Well, thank God this is an all-day breakfast lasagna because you can eat it at whatever time of day. It's a jet lag lasagna. It's a time zone lurgy. It's a time-day breakfast lasagna. Because you can eat it at whatever time of day. It's a jet-lag lasagna. It's a time zone-lurking lasagna. It's a time zone-lurking lasagna. Now, I know you're a fan, Bella,

but do you have an in with Mr Macaroon himself? Sorry, does nobody have an in? And we're here. Well, she did meet his agent. That's quite a good in, to be fair. The agent just rejected her out of hand. And also didn't know why she was there. Yes, Belinda. is agent that's quite a good end to be fair the agent just rejected her out of hand and also didn't know why she was there uh yes belinda she said through layered clumps of egg sausage beans black pud and bechamel sauce i mean i was almost entirely right and it's 10 times worse

than i could have imagined i actually don't i'm i'm not a no to an all-day breakfast lasagna really i'd try it. Why not? It doesn't sound disgusting. As fusion food goes. What a combo. I'm chairwoman of the official Cosmo Macaroon fan site. Not a thing. Then you're getting nowhere near him if he's got any sense.

True. You're not. This is fictitious rumourville Bella Squealed Belinda Wait did Belinda even know who he was till Bella So why is she excited about any of this I just love the idea that Bella's got time To be the chairwoman Of a fan club

I mean it's so 90s For an obscure Australian chair God I wonder how the fan club got on while she was in that coma Who was sending the newsletter Sweet Jesus it doesn't bear thinking about it obscure Australian chair. God, I wonder how the fan club got on while she was in that coma. Who was sending the newsletter? Sweet Jesus, it doesn't bear thinking about, does it? Doesn't bear thinking about. They pay £5 a year for that fan club. Oh my God.

Do you think memberships dropped below 12? So, Belinda's like, this is fictitious rumourville, Bella. It's not. And with that, Bella produced her modern mobile device and brought up FacePage. Stop it.

FacePage. Stop it. Don't. Rocky, next. Sorry, this is a message for Rocky. Hi, Rocky. It's just Alice. Next time I see you, I have a bone to pick with you.

Okay, thank you. You're naughty, Rocky. You're naughty. In recent times, the concern with legal intervention has become one of my favourite things. My giddy norses, Belinda exclaimed when she saw that Bella had exclusive access to Cosmo Macaroon's official FacePage account. No, she doesn't.

She runs the fan account. Of course she doesn't have access to his FacePage. Don't say FacePage. You're going down the rabbit hole, Alice. Okay, fine. Get this out, but this is bullshit, obviously. What does this mean? Yeah.

That is the crucial question. That sentence could really sum up the entirety of the Belinda Blink saga. And that's the end of the chapter. What does it all mean? It means I can get us into his recording tonight. Now, again, even if you had access to his face page, and she doesn't, then that wouldn't get you into the recording, would it? Categorically

not. No. The bestest best girls in the southern hemisphere charged their glasses and downed their bottle, excited for the future of the night. Too many hours to count later, the two B's and their plan B

arrived at the broadcast television studio complex. Never been near a television studio in his life. I can't wait to hear what he thinks it's like. Belinda's boobies took care of the security helper man. And they soon found... What, took him out? Knocked him right out. And they soon found themselves inside the fake kitchen Bella had wet dreamed of for over 3,650 days.

Can we find out how long that is? Because I feel like he's plucked that number out the air. It's quite obvious how long that is. Oh, yes. That would be 10 years, Chris. Oh, no! You got me, Rocky. You got me good. Belinda looked cruelly at the Bish kitchenware on display all around them.

So Bish supplies Cosmo's show. Not for long, if Belinda's got anything to do with it. It was so unfair that horrid lot from East Berlin had worldwide rights to the Cooking with Cosmo show. Sorry, sorry. Is this her secret mission? I thought she was supposed to be getting Giselle and George. But she's faffing around in a TV studio trying to swap out a couple of pots and pans.

But also, what do you mean they have worldwide rights? What are you talking about? No, that's a good deal. But also... What? That's a good deal. What do... What? That's a good deal. What do you mean? They've got worldwide product placement rights for Cosmo...

What's his name? Cooking with Cosmo. Cooking with Cosmo. James, what are you talking about? I also feel like there are other cooking shows. Why has this only just occurred to them that this is a good route? We've got, like, Jamie Oliver in the UK and stuff like that. Delia Smith.

Delia Smith. Why didn't you... Delia Smith. Nigella. Nigella. like delia gordon ramsey he's big yeah but yeah why didn't she just do a show in the uk and get the worldwide rights there because that would scare dad because they're real people oh yeah true cosmo condo cosmo condiment is not condiment is totally fine also i feel like rocky just Rocky just wanted to go to Australia and this is his way of going to Australia in his mind. He's like, I fancy a holiday. I'll write it in the books.

She spat in each pot, pan, casserole dish and griddle. What kind of sabotage is this? That'll show them. Not proudly but whatever. How did she get onto set?

Her boobies. Her boobies took care of that from the security helper man. But there's more than the floor manager or the cameraman or the director. Yeah, if there's some girl with juicy boobies going... I feel like she'd be out of there quite quick, gobbing on everything. Not proudly, but whatever Then the girls nestled themselves Into Cosmo Macaroon's dressing room Adorned with the stars

I mean Alice and I look at each other They spat in his pants And broke into his dressing room And no one spat at an eyelid They're going to get arrested They are going to get They're going to get deported Before they've even had time

To get Giselle and George What are they doing? James don't. It's not worth your tears. It's not worth that vein popping. The time flew with a French kiss here and a buttock brush there. But before not, oh, so long, Bella needed a wee-wee. She excused herself, but just as she had left, the back door opened and Cosmo Macaroon himself entered to his own special hideaway.

Bad timing, Bella. Wasting no minute nor moment, Belinda presented herself to the cook. How? Which end? It's just like legs akimbo on the floor. Sunny side up? Hello, Cosmo. I'm a psycho in your dressing room.

How are you? I'm a friend of the chairwoman of the Cosmo fan club. Don't mind me. You don't know me. I just salivated over all your pans. How's the show? My DNA is all over your set. I love you.

Care to do business? Hello, Cosmo. Do I know you Care to do business? Hello Cosmo Do I know you? No Oh god Piss off then Cosmo Belinda was bruised

He seemed so nice on the one programme she watched that one time Great research She undid her zipper Revealing her thick cleavage Are you diff, woman? Everyone's very shrill, but also, I'd say quite rude in Australia so far. Alice, he's walked into his own dressing room and there's a stranger in there. But would you say, sorry, do I know you?

And they go, oh no. And you go, oh, who are you? You wouldn't go, peace off, would you? I feel like there'd be a step between that. Belinda was flummoxed once more. What was with all these Aussie men? Luckily for all, Bella was a quick pisser. Cosmo, remember your brandy butter baby bell?

Oh my God, get her out. Get her out. Brandy butter baby bell. Sorry, is that what you said? A brandy butter baby bell. What the hell is a brandy butter baby bell. Sorry, is that what you said? I didn't even listen. A Brandy Butter Baby Belle. What the hell is a Brandy Butter Baby Belle? Well, a Baby Belle is a mini cheese and Brandy Butter is what you have on like Christmas desserts.

So a mini cheese doused in sweet, sweet Brandy Butter. That sounds fucking awful. Baby Belles have that weird kind of wax on the outside of them as well. So wait, have they met before? Remember your Brandy Butter Baby Belle? She chimed as the premier food preparer of primetime turned round.

That's quite a nice little bit of alliteration, isn't it? That's quite good. The premier food preparer of primetime. Bucks and Bill are Ridley? What the hell is your body doing here? Is the mailing list compromised? Ah! Is the mailing list compromised?

I like that he's hands on all the different parts of his business. He cares. He cares about the fans. Is the mailing list compromised? What would that even entail? I don't know. So they do know each other. Is the mailing list compromised?

Not a phrase, by the way. No, but your cock's about to be compromised cosmo stripped bella to her bare basics oh she's bare basic all right her tits were freed and her clit poked out between her lids like a shy mouse's nose. That's one of my favourites in a while. Cooey. Do you want to see the baby bell? Little brandy

buttered covered baby bell. Oh God, brilliant. Her tits were freed and her clit poked out between her lids like a shy mouse's nose. Just when you want to write him a strongly worded letter, he brings it back, doesn't he?

All is forgiven. His own nose nuzzled it and she felt fine. Oh, that's... I feel completely fine. Not so fast, Cookie, said Belinda, as she stripped her nothing but her goosebumps of lust. We want to change the pots and pans. We want to change the pots and pans you use on your show to the oxy-brillo range from steels, pots and pans. Seal me, ladies, Cosmo said,

as he started fucking each vag at a time. And one, and two, and three, and four. Cock in one, cock in the other, cock in one. They were fucking tightly and there were great slaps of flesh upon Asphat. Oof. The touch was pure and silky. Esp, when the sticky pre-cum got involved.

And a breath of a special. Esp. So lazy. He doesn't have time esp when the sticky pre-cum got involved oh sticky pre-cum

do you know you know what sticky pre-cum is of course I know what sticky pre-cum is it's brandy butter it's nature's brandy butter Cosmo's head leaked a bit of him

oh his oh his head leaked a bit of him a slit of his dick's head yeah Cosmo's head leaked a bit of him a kind oh his head leaked a bit of his slit of his dick's head yeah cosmos head leaked a bit of him a kind of before the main event leak we know what it is yes thank you it's like a teaser trailer not dissimilar to a burst of yogurt in a poorly closed lunchbox oh okay yeah great actually

we've all been there enough semen to know he was excited, but not enough to ruin the sexual explosion to come. We know what pre-cum is. Thank you, Rocky. We want pre-cum. We want pre-cum. They're very good, screamed Belinda mid-bonk. They're huff-puff, non-stick, huff-puff, environmentally nice, huff-puff, light to the touch Huffpuff

and only stop and only 45 AUD dollars wholesale Huffpuff Huffpuff

Huffpuff do it again a huff puff a huff puff do it again do it again this is also interesting this is how Belinda sells the Octobrillo range my favourite is environmentally nice

so they're very good huff puff they're huff puff non-stick stop what you're doing with your body they're huff puff non-stick huff. They're Huffpuff non-stick. Stop what you're doing with your body.

They're Huffpuff non-stick. Huffpuff environmentally nice. Huffpuff light to the touch. Huffpuff and only 45 AUD dollars wholesale. The D stands for dollars. You don't have to say AUD dollars. Also, Jamie, you didn't stop what you were doing with your body. Sorry. If you imagine like maybe those images of 50s housewives who wear those a-line

dresses and their hands so that their arms by their side but their hands are completely horizontal like doing a little but on the huffpuff he like thrust his pelvis yeah huffpuff why don't you get into character you see she's huffing puffing huffpuff belinda was enjoying the tryst but she was mad as a mongoose about the rudeness she'd encountered earlier. What a weird way of voicing your displeasure at rudeness. A half puff. Half puff. Of course she'd met celebrities like him before

and knew them oh so well on a mental level. It was clear that Cosmo Macaroon was a man who would always fuck you in the arsehole, but never look you in the eyehole. Look you in the eyehole? Gosh. I don't like your dad saying, fuck you in the arsehole, look you in the eyehole. No.

I mean, Belinda is a celebrity in herself. So, you know, she's used to these types of people. I wouldn't say she's a celebrity. Maybe not in her world, but out here. In her head head she is yeah those people that like superimpose themselves on the cover of vogue and things and put them on their facebook for their face page yeah exactly so one of those this belinda reassured herself was the lot of a well-known

television cook basically you get dead famous you become a bit of a dick. I guess that's what Dad's saying. Right. It really is a kind of a moral for our time, isn't it? It will go to your head.

Being one of the biggest TV chefs in the world. Yeah. Hey girls, half path, I think half path. That's so piercing

when he does it. You got a deal, half path. So they've got it. They've got the deal congratulations everyone you know the rumpy pumpy was heavenly i thought it was half puffing the huff puff rumpy pumpy was heavenly but they were in fact not alone oh wait they're not on set a thing's not gonna like a curtain's not to open and they're in front of the studio audience. From behind a big old camera crane, the sparklingly jealous and treacherous and dangerous

eyeballs of Giselle, Mars Chalkover de Clotz, seared into their body parts. I don't understand. Why is she there? On a crane cam. She got a new life as a cameraman. Then blinked.

I would be tense, but I just don't understand. Who blinked? Giselle. Giselle's eyeballs. So she's undercover on the set of one of Australia's premier food shows. And they just happen to be

in the same location at the same time. Well, you don't know. They just happen to be. What, are you suggesting... Maybe Giselle's out for revenge on those two. And she's rock to be in the same location at the same time. Well, you don't know. They just happen to be. What are you suggesting? Maybe Giselle's out for revenge on those two. And she's rocked up with a crane cam just in time. It's the job. What are you talking about?

Well, guys. Of course, they're in this dressing room. Yeah. You can't fit a crane cam in a dressing room. You'd see it for sure. Well.

No, don't well guysers. I don't care about well guys. Answer our questions. You can well guysers all you want. That is the end of the chapter. We know. Huff puff.

Good. You can huff and puff and blow my house down, but I'll still want to know where that bloody massive crane cam came from. So Giselle's in the dressing room, which is probably quite a small room. With a crane cam. With a crane cam spying on Bella but this is quite serious though

Giselle has found Belinda and Bella before Belinda and Bella have found Giselle and she's looking treacherously dangerously at them no

no one cares wow we care we just don't understand we'll park that you know this is Belinda Blinked but you know

interesting no James come on you're normally really big on the story sure but this is Belinda Blinked but you know interesting no James come on you're normally really big on the story sure but this is quite baffling and one of Rocky's

like oh god how do I get them all together again and then just kind of crashes everyone I mean it was literally the last sentence of the chapter

so he's obviously just gone um uh crane cam uh in the dressing room I really wouldn't be surprised if Hazel crashes a plane

into the dressing room it's one of those and George is Coco Chanel what's his name Cosmo Cosmo the cloud or whatever

Cosmo Macaroon Cosmo Macaroon sorry of course I should respect one of the most famous chefs in the world and his agent

whatever Penny Crayon turns out to be who even knows Bill from HR well that was great I really enjoyed that you did

I can't say I did it's infuriating to the max you're very good at Australian accents as well I mean it's the same for every male character

but it's a good accent I thought it was a bit different for them both no no not different no impressively similar yeah

okay I'll work on that for next time thanks for the note so if you'd like to send an email, and I'm sure there'll be lots this week, people will be furious about numerous things. Mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. If you'd like pictures and that,

we're on Instagram, mydadwrotea. Yeah, and on Twitter, at dadwroteaporno. And we're on Facebook as well. Just look for mydadwroteaporno. Right, okay. Anyone fancy a breakfast lasagna? James, it's night time. Yeah.

All day breakfast. Oh, then yes. Extra black pudding, okay. Anyone fancy a breakfast lasagna? James, it's night time. Yeah. All day breakfast. Oh, then yes. Extra black pudding, please.