My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E11 - 'A B, a B and a Q'

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Belinda and Bella continue their romp around Australia before things take a sinister turn... // Come see us on our 2020 World Tour! Tickets available via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice and James, how are you both today? It is wonderful to be back with you. Oh, it's nice, isn't it? And I very rarely say that or feel that, so this is really great. I can't believe we're nearing the end of book five already.

I know, it's kind of, I mean, it's not emotional, but it's something. I feel something. I mean, it feels like only yesterday that Dick Van Dyke was stood on his own in heaven. Oh, true. Yeah, RIP Dick. I mean, fully alive. Okay, so who wants a bit of a refresher on what happened? Oh yeah, true. Yeah, RIP, Dick. I mean, fully alive. Okay, so who wants a bit of a refresher on what happened? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Oh, actually, before we do, guess who I saw on the tube yesterday? Oh, okay, fun. Was it a man? It was not a man. Actor, Russ. Yes, it is an actor. We've mentioned them on the podcast more a long time ago than now. British?

The one, the only. He's not answering than now. British? The one, the only. He's not answering you anymore. He just wants to do the reveal. Miriam Margulies. No, you didn't. She was reading a script. Didn't you go talk to her? I didn't.

She kind of looked at me. She didn't look the most approachable. She looked quite cross. Maybe it was quite an angry script. She's a very cross woman. And also, we said she was going to be the voice of Belinda's clit didn't we so that might be why

she looked at you angrily I don't think she knew who the hell I was but I was like oh my god it's Miriam I can't believe you saw Miriam Margulies and you didn't even say hello

you can't can you it's Miriam Margulies what are you going to say on your dying day oh I didn't talk to Miriam Margulies well you are now because you didn't

he'll probably say I didn't speak to Miriam Margoyles or whatever he called her in bloody book one I don't talk to Miriam Margo well you are now because you didn't he'll probably say I didn't speak to Miriam Margoils or whatever he called her in bloody book one I don't really know who she is but she's a national treasure so it's probably a good job

you didn't speak to her that is a great spot great spot yeah right remind us where we were right okay so Belinda and Bella

are in Australia they're in Sydney yes Belinda had the interview or the meeting with Cosmo Macaroon's agent Cornelius Kettle. Yes.

And she's not going on Dancing in the Sky with Diamonds or whatever it's called. And she managed to kind of break into his dressing room in the studio. And eat his bagels was it? No sold him some pots and pans. So now I think she managed to get all of the Oxybrillo range to be the official partner of whatever Cosmo McAroo's cooking show is. I can't remember. And it ended with Giselle looking at them from behind like a camera crane.

Oh, yeah. In a normal-sized room. I don't know where she was. She was in the gallery. I don't know. What an unusual place to pick up. Do we think we're about

to have a reunion between Belinda and Giselle? And Bella's there as well. The Glee team could be united tonight. Oh my God, it doesn't make any sense.

Why doesn't it make any sense? Why doesn't it make sense? Because why are they in just like a little green room? Oh no, well yeah, that doesn't make sense.

And she's hiding behind, like you said, a giant crane. But why is this the place where they meet? Why is this the place where the jewel is? This will be the setting for the big conference. It's not really Gettysburg, is it? In amazing, like they've been in the castles. They've been in so many scenarios where it would feel tense or exactly no the green room at a tv studio in sydney um okay well should we see if they do me if this is going to actually happen that the glee team are united this is number 11 right

chapter 11 yeah it needs to pick up a pace because we're running out of chapters. Well, Rocky is. And there needs to be a thing. There needs to be resolution of some sort. Something has to happen for God's sake. Is someone going to die? In addition to Slintz? Oh, yes. Wait a sec. The forgotten man of Belinda Blugt.

Bella didn't even die and we basically gave her a video funeral online. Slintz, he's dead and buried. We don't care. He's not even back. He just disappeared. He's just even back. He just disappeared. He's just gone missing. He's in a human-shaped bag somewhere. In the boot of the car still?

Maybe in something. Oh, God, no. They did, I'm sorry, they didn't get him through fucking security. You can't get the car ferry to Sydney, Jamie. Okay, so, Belinda Blinked 5, Chapter 11.

A B, a B and a Q. Barbecue. It took me a while. Or Belinda Bella. And Quentin. Or maybe Cosmo spelt with a Q. I actually wouldn't put it past him. Giselle's eyes turned from emerald envy to ruby lust at the sight of belinda and bella bonking the tuesdayness out of cosmo macaroon so she's got

pink eye it's just bonking just the mundane Tuesdayness out of him those Tuesdayness blues very Craig David of him oh yes oh no what were they doing on Tuesday did they do it on Tuesday went for a drink on

no Monday took her for a drink Tuesday oh it was Monday took her for a drink on Tuesday making love by Wednesday they chilled

well they were making love Thursday, Friday, Saturday yeah and then they chilled on Sunday very Belinda I think of it as very James I don't think of it as Craig David anymore. She missed the ease of her friendships with these women,

but she knew she had crossed the pale when it came to repentance. Oh, yeah. It's definitely gone beyond a little sorry and just join in. Sorry about the bomb and the spying and the fake friendship. And the death. And the death. Can I stick a finger in? Kissy, kissy.

So she's not really interested in being friends, is she? She's just feeling a bit horny. Yeah, yeah. Belinda awoke with the... Oh, okay. So we've moved on from there. Are you joking? No.

Are you joking? That... Are you joking? He doesn't usually kick off, so he must be mad. Are you on some sort of repeat? Like, what do you mean? Well, it feels like we've just left the studio and then it's the next day.

Yeah, we have. That's exactly what's happened, yes. Well, that's very disappointing, isn't it? I'm not even angry. I'm just disappointed. So wait, if this is going to be a bullshit chapter where we go to the Sydney Opera House, though I love it,

some koala farm, is it just going to be a string of Australian cliches and a day trip? Alice, it's worse than that. We're going to a barbecue. That's all we're doing. Do you think that's it? A barbie?

We're just going to go to a barbecue. We're going to put some shrimps on the barbie. Yeah, here we go. Prediction. We'll have a barbecue. There'll be some sausage metaphors. Everyone will bonk by the condiments. And I feel like maybe somebody will wear a pinny

and nothing underneath it. It would be one of those naked pinnies. Exactly. So Belinda awoke with the ringing of her work pager. It was Mr Fix-It Jim Thompson. What do you want? What a callback. Whenever he pops up again, I'm like,

he's not really Mr Fix-It though, is he? Because he's not helped with any of this. He's not up again I'm like he's not really Mr Fix It though is he because he's not helped with any of this he's not fixed anything sounds like he's about to create a problem if you ask me

the pager read slash slash star after their star appearance on Cooking With Cosmo slash slash star new line slash slash star can I pause you there

don't tell me that the pots and pans have sold out and they're an international sensation. After their appearance on Cosmo Diablo, whatever he's called. Oh my God, they are worth more than gold. So the page you read, Alice. Slash slash star. After their star appearance on Cooking with Cosmo. Slash slash star. New line. Slash slash star after their star appearance on Cooking with Cosmo slash slash star

new line slash slash star the oxybrillo range had overnight become the fastest slash slash star new line slash slash star selling pots and pans range in Australian history slash slash star end page

wow why is that even that title to be held? Fastest selling pots and pans range in Australian history. After one night of... Also, I'm sure it was a pre-release. Has it aired? Yeah, it isn't like it's a fucking live cooking show. Guys, let's take this company public.

We've made our money. Let's stop here. This is... What? She could earn her huge bonus. This could be what she needs. There's some resolution company public. We've made our money. Let's stop here. This is... What? She could earn her huge bonus. This could be what she needs. There's some resolution for you. Yeah, I mean, that's a pretty good deal.

Well, there aren't that many people in Australia, are there? It's about 20 mil, right? Is that... Have I got that right? So even if you sell big in Australia, it's not the biggest market. No. I mean, a great market, but in size.

But it's word of mouth, Al. Word of mouth. It starts spreading. You heard of social media? You heard of pagers? They're going to spread around the world. Why is she getting that on a pager? Also, I love how it's all spelled out, you know.

The new line is spelled out. It's not even on a new line. Oh, it says new line. Yeah. And the end page is in capitals. Is that how things display on a pager? Slash slash star. I don't think he's ever seen a pager.

Isn't a pager just like one long line? Like a ticket to the mall. And doesn't it usually just say, dial 81249 and then get the message? It doesn't tell you what the message is, does it? It just says, you have a message or someone needs to get in touch. That was always the thing that it just said,

somebody with a telephone number that ends 8190 wants to get in touch with you so then you'd have to go and find a phone box and ring them no point no point i mean life's too short isn't it post a celebratory phone conversation with the md tony sylvester yes thank you both in their pajamas but for different cycles of sleep, laughed Belinda. I'm getting up. You're going to bed. What an upside down world. Time zone, Vance.

Belinda's such a, what time is it there? We're an hour ahead. We're an hour ahead. More than an hour ahead, darling. Both in their pyjamas, but for different cycles of sleep, laughed Belinda. Belinda was given the green to some leisure time. What? Given the go ahead. Given the green. A bi-pony. A green light. Oh given the green to some leisure time what what given the girl ahead given the green light all right for some leisure time i mean her whole life's leisure time but sure two hours and a minute later she and bella protecting her noggin from the ozoneless sun

in a cork decorated hat we're on a train into the bush. Stereotype one. Lord above. Why do I feel like she's got, like, an inflatable kangaroo under her arm as well? Oh, the full shebang. And, you know, like, the kind of green and pink surf sunscreen that you can do in lines on your face. I mean, the comment about the bush, I just think we should leave aside.

Yeah, whose bush are they going into? Each other's? Somewhere near the Whitsundays. How long have they been travelling? That's quite a long way from Sydney, isn't it? They're off the east coast, aren't they? But they're like far out into the sea, obviously, Cos Island. That's far.

Yeah. What, and they did that the next day? Well, they're on a train. They've got a train. Let me just see on the mappage. They're on a train into the bush via the Whitsundays. I don't know. Whitsunday Island.

Yeah, it's in Queensland. And is that different to Sydney? Different state. Right. You can fly there. Not many trains? No, it's not suggesting there are any trains. I mean, the flight is two and a half hours.

Oh, it's not too bad. No. Although, what train are they? It's best not to ask, isn't it? We're getting a train to the bush. So, somewhere near the Whitsundays, a youngish backpacker entered their compartment, dodging the fare. Oi, oi.

Oh, hello, adventurer. Sizzled Bella, hungry for cock. She's very friendly, isn't she? Like, if it were me, I'd just keep my head down, put my headphones in, and just be like pretending to read my book or just, like, on my phone or whatever. Right. But she's very open. Antisocial you.

Chatting. I am very antisocial, yeah. Hola, señorita. Oh, he said the Spanish backpacker from the Costa del Sun. Oh, where they went for the hen do. Because apparently there's only one region of Spain. Has he called it Costa del Sun before? I think he called it the Costa del Sol before. Yeah, Sun's only one region of Spain. Has he called it Costa del Sol before? I think he called it

the Costa del Sol before. Yeah, sun's new. Sun's new. Maybe he's like translating it for Bella and Belinda. Right. Hola, señoritas.

I hope you're packing meat in your backpack if you know what I mean. Egged on Bella with a grin. Now that is too forward. I mean, there's a balance

between totally ignoring them and just being friendly. Also, meat in your backpack is unpleasant. In that heat. That's all I'm thinking about. It's not going to keep, it's going to be high. Oh, I am

a thief. Ha, ha, ha. He responded with mirth. Bella probably actually means like some salami. She's probably hungry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's like, oh, I am probably hungry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's like, I am the ha, ha, ha. What a hoot. One has got a space.

When did you last shower? Asked Belinda. No fooler flies her. Not a phrase. No fooler flies. No fooler flies her. No fooler flies her. No fooler flies her.

No fooler flies her. No fooler flies comma her. When did flies her. No fooler flies her. No fooler flies her. No fooler flies comma her. When did you last shower? Asked Belinda. No fooler flies her. Stop saying it. It doesn't make it any better.

Alice, no fooler flies her. Have you seen his outfit? No fooler flies her. Doth day the go in Jim Jim Fove. I'm sorry, what? Oh dear. He answered. What did you say?

Once more from the top. Two days ago in... Jim Jim Falls. Jim Jim Falls. No, it doesn't ring a bell. I presume that's a beautiful picturesque waterfall. That's being sullied by these books. Shall I look it up?

Yeah, look it up. Yeah, because we've fallen foul of Rocky before. Oh, true, yeah. It's real. It's real. Jim Jim Falls. Is it near the Whitsundays? It's in the middle of the top of Australia.

It really couldn't be further away. But he is backpacking, guys. He's backpacking. So two days ago, he was in the Jim Jim Falls. I've never heard of it. Where does he get these things from? Guys, it's got good reviews. It's got 4.6 on Google.

Oh, good. That's great. You know I love the reviews. Oh, yeah, what yeah what people say the campground and amenities were in good condition and well maintained oh it's not that interesting oh hang on there's a one star review oh yeah okay that's more our speed the road in is pretty bad there is no shade facilities at the car park to have lunch there is no water going over the falls. Are you a drow? It wasn't even a waterfall. That's what I would have put first.

Yeah. Fuck the fucking access road. There's no bloody fucking waterfall. There's no water. He's put the date. It's the 22nd of August, 2018. Oh, recently. And it's a pretty awkward walk in. The water is cold at the plunge pool.

Well, obviously. Go to Magook instead, which is a shorter drive, shorter walk, warmer water, and is still a waterfall. So what's everybody else giving five stars to? Just great car park. Well, everyone's like, beautiful, the best waterfall in Kakadu. So, Das Devagar in Dim Jim Falls clearly had some water then. Oh, yes, there was a flow in then. Sigh, breathed Belinda.

She'd had many dips in Jim Jim Falls herself. Oh, Sterling. It's like a reference to Sterling. It doesn't really work, does it? Jim Walter, Jim Thompson. It's a bit too much of a leap, isn't it? I'll be honest, I didn't get it straight away. I am basically Bella, so.

Wait, is Rocky being too clever for us now? Join away. She smiled at her fellow European. Their first night in the youth hostel was uncomfortable. She's nearly 30 years old. Can she not afford a hotel? Also, she's doing this on the business. Put it on the company credit card.

Wait, what? I'm just so mad that this is where we're at. Oh my God. Also, she's doing this on the business. Put it on the company credit card. Wait, what? I'm just so mad that this is where we're at. Oh, my God. So, her and Bella, and we presume Francois Dubois, what was he called? Just Backpacker at this point. Backpacker. Backpacker du jour. Spanish Backpacker.

Spanish Backpacker. They're all going to the youth hostel together. I guess they've kind of met him and they were like, oh, fun and kind of you know dangerous let's join you on your little adventure why are they acting like uni students though they're there because they've been given the green i bet they're in have you ever stayed in youth hostels like 16 beds yeah it is fun i mean i wouldn't do it now but it was fun back when we were younger wasn't it i don't know not when you heard people having sex in another bed. No, yeah.

What, in the dorm? So their first night in the youth hostel was uncomfortable. Bella wasn't used to a single bed, and bugger it if Belinda was supposed to sleep on the top bunk. To just second James's thing, I mean, of all the times to scrimp. Yeah, put it on the Amex. After a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan. That's the bit to probably focus on, because we've been quite transport heavy thus far.

So maybe focus on the sex. So after a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan. After dinner, but before drinks, she began dismantling all the bunk beds with her portable travel spanner. People will be... That's criminal, isn't it? That's vandalism, essentially, what she's doing. She's loving that she her portable travel spanner. People will be... That's criminal, isn't it? That's vandalism, essentially, what she's doing. She's loving that she travels

with a spanner. I mean, my dad travels with a spanner, to be fair. He has his own little toolkit that he travels everywhere with. How are you getting that through customs? Oh, hold luggage.

Oh, fine. As long as he's not got it on his purse. Yeah. It's not in the cabin with him. Have you ever got through security, though, with something a bit dodgy?

Have you ever got through and you're like, oh my God, I've got this pin. Why have you got a pin? I don't know him. If you ever got through security, though, with something a bit dodgy, like, you ever got through and you're like, oh my God, I've got this, like, pin. Why have you got a pin? I don't know. But, like, if you've got through with something where you're like, probably shouldn't be able to have this on a plane. I once went through security with a cake fork in my bag.

Okay, why did you have a cake fork? I don't know. I was really little. Oh, let me guess, from your time being a professional patisserie chef at the age of five. You and Val. I think I was just eating all the cake, to be honest with you. But no, yeah, they're really mean to you.

No, sorry, why did you have a cake fork? I don't know. It was just, it was in my bag. I think it was leftover. What is a cake fork? Yeah, a cake fork. Very, very long prongs. Like quite a lethal piece of cake.

Why is he being so chill again? And did you insist upon a cake fork anytime you eat a cake? Well, I'd love to eat this red velvet cake, but I can't see a cake fork anywhere. I'll have to leave it and go stale. Mummy, mummy, I know we're going on the big trip, but don't forget to pack my cake fork. Oh, bloody hell, I've got a cake fork in my bag.

What am I lying? You two are horrible people. Oh my God, cake fork. Honest to God. Every time you learn something like that about him, does it just make you question why we've been friends so long? I just imagined him when he was a kid, just this little Lord Fauntleroy. So not true.

A little precious little deer. I feel like he didn't walk. He trotted around with his fucking nose in the air, holding his cake fork, writing plays, calling his mum, Mother. Or Mummy. I was incredibly bullied, actually. You amazed me.

So mean. After a day of sex... After a day! After a day of sex in the outback, Belinda had a plan. After dinner, but before drinks, she began dismantling all the bunk beds with her portable travel spanner. Quite the dab hand, it only took about three and a half hours to finish the job. Fucking hell.

After dinner, before drinks? Yes. When she was done, she had created one big bed, made up of all the rectangular singles. I'd be like, what have you done? What a bizarre thing to think of doing. So that everybody that shares their dorm has to sleep in the same bed as them. Weird.

And also, if you came back and you just thought you were having some cheap accommodation, then I would definitely complain that my bed had been turned into one giant bed. Yeah, but like some fucking lunatic. Dismantled all the beds. With all due respect, real structural integrity and beautifully put together, but still furious. And she did it in record time.

I can't fault her on that. Much better. She said she clapped her hands together at a job well done. That's me kind of interpreting that. Well, they're usually bunk beds, aren't they? So is she saying that it's got two levels? Or maybe she's taken all the bunk beds off because bugger if she was going to sleep in a bunk bed.

Oh, no, yeah, she's completely dismantled them. Everything's on the floor now. Because I was thinking a two-level orgy. That's pretty impressive, isn't it? It's like a little fort. Yeah, because you can tap in for the top level and like be like, oh no,

it's a bit more chill than this. I'm going to dip back below death. It's crazy upstairs. That night was an intoxicating orgy of fun and females

with figures from various bars joining them from Peggy May to Bridget with a B. Bridget with a? B. How else would you spell Bridget? Bridget. Bridget with a? B. How else would you spell Bridget?

Bridget. Bridget. Okay, sure. Quince. I spot a Q. Yeah, here we go. Quince was the sole man. Quince!

Hang on, has he made that try and fit with, did he write the chapter title and he was like, don't know what the fuck I'm going to do here. I was waiting for a name and why did I assume it would be a name that exists? That's He was like, don't know what the fuck I'm going to do here. I was waiting for a name and why did I assume it would be a name that exists? That's a fruit, obviously, isn't it?

A quince. And also that classic thing of him not naming them until halfway through the chapter. Oh, this is our Spanish backpacker. Well, I assumed it was. Maybe it's not. Quince was the sole man.

Yeah, the sole man. Sole man. He's the sole man. Quince was the sole man and he enjoyed having his Spanish chorizo shared by the giddy working holiday visa holders i don't know if chorizo is very like dotty and spotty and yeah it's big bits of fat in it and it's quite oily spicy red raw um and he enjoyed having his spanish

chorizo shared by the giddy working holiday visa holders. I know that we're not going to comment on chorizo and him doing this. Because, you know, obviously... I'm just leaning into it now. Right, fine. Because you know he's going to say, that's how they say it in Spain. That's how they say it. Just like call it chorizo.

Chorizo. Chorizo. My mum calls jalapenos, japalinos. Japalinos. Japalinos. That's quite a fun name for them. And my stepdad calls this Caesar salad a Caesarinos. Japalinos. That's quite a fun name for them. And my stepdad calls this Caesar salad

a Sazer salad. Sazer. Honestly I don't know how they order food in a restaurant. So Quince is having a great time. Good.

Good for him. The next day was hot to trot so Quince suggested a day on the white sand. Why does this chapter feel like a montage? It really does.

It would move very quickly. Going to the islands, going to the outback, having some sex and moving on. You forgot the dismantling of the bunk beds. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Belinda had never had all-out, top-to-bottom sex at the beach before.

In the sea, yes. On the white cliffs of Dover, of course. High wind speeds up there. She's not an animal. But this was the bit of geological earth between hard land and wet water and she was rampant to try it. So she's never shagged on a beach?

Never. Sex on the beach. Yeah. She wriggled out of her bikini bottoms. She never wore a beach bra and frolicked in the sun-snogged sea. What does that mean? Sun-kissed, but like really deeply. Oh, wow.

The sun is using tongs. Horrible. So they were frolicking in the sun-snogged sea. It was sparkling like your hands after handling something glittery at Christmas. I know just that feeling. Do you know what? A picture painted at christmas i know just that feeling and do you know a picture painted with words because i know just that feeling do you ever put um pva glue on your hands when you're a kid and peel it off or no did you all the time i ate paint so i did all sorts oh yeah it's an asmr type thing isn't it lovely it was sparkling like your hands

after holding something glittery at christmas and was the warmth of fresh wee. Oh. Fresh wee, though. He kisses one hand and he takes with the other, doesn't he? He really does. He really does. Quince joined, his floppy eleventh finger flapping as he skipped and splashed. I've never heard that.

Have you heard that? No. Why would it be part of the finger clan? It would also technically be your ninth finger but you know yeah jamie at this stage um very thin yeah not complimentary is it no if somebody has a finger a finger dick no finger dick which finger as well little finger well i think we sorry i just remembered something when i a kid, we had a family friend who'd humiliate you by going, Little finger laugh at you.

Little finger laugh at you. And he'd wiggle his little finger your way and he'd be like, Little finger laugh at you. And we'd be like, Carl, get that little finger away from me. What a strange boy. Have you ever been laughed at by a little finger? It's one of the most humiliating experiences. Was he a grown man?

He was a grown... He's my dad's friend. What? Oh my God, I thought he was another child. No, he's my dad's friend. Fuck off. And then, like, my sister would join in, so it's like a chorus of...

Little finger laugh at you. But why were they laughing at you? Because they're probably all titting around about something. Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. Let's see they laughing at you? Because they were probably all titting around about something. Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. Let's see if it still reacts to it, Jamie. Little finger laugh at you. No, don't.

Little finger laugh at you. So do you have to waggle it like that? Up and down? Yeah, like the little finger is like belly laughing. Oh my God. That's awful. It's kind of really creepy

and sinister, isn't it? Little finger laugh at you. You're doing a strange voice with it. That's sinister, isn't it? Little finger laugh at you. You're doing a strange voice with it. That's the voice he used to. Little finger laugh at you. Are you still friends with this gentleman? Is he in your life? No, not anymore.

And I'll never forget it, actually. It really, really bothered me. It's got that Pavlovian effect to it. Like when you guys did it then. What happened? Deep, deep shame. What's weird about it is it's not the little finger laughs at you the conjugation

of the phrase is confusing little finger laugh at you little finger laugh at you Carl you're terrible

grammar would this be worse index finger laugh at you no it's the little isn't it it's like what have you got

to be so happy about little finger even the little fingers laughing at you even the runt of the fingers yes you're right it's that isn't it it's that bel isn't it?

It's that belittling. With this lovely manicure, does it make any better? So Quince joined his floppy eleventh finger flapping as he skipped and splashed. But Bella wouldn't enter the ocean

because she was very sensible and scared of sharks, jellyfish, manta rays and eels. Well, actually, to be fair in Australia, good to be cautious. A lot of crazy stuff in that sea. There was no way she was going to die at sea.

Come on, baby Bella. Little finger lad. Can you imagine what they're doing? That was in the book. Come on, baby Bella, shouted Belinda from the depths. There's nothing here to eat you, apart from me and quince. I mean, I know she's a skilful lover, but going down on somebody in the sea. That's hard.

That's tricky. That's a salty, salty mess, isn't it? You need a snorkel. You enjoy your death soup, you silly tourist. Death soup? Bella yelled back, bronzing her buns. As fun as the sea was, throwing water at each other got repetitive quickly

and, bored to tears, Belinda and Quince returned to land in the beached Bella. It's true, though. Like, it is true. Yeah. Like, you can only play bat and ball for so long. Yeah. You can only build sandcastles for so long. True.

Yeah, the splashing. I mean five minutes five minutes Belinda was in the mood for a good old licking out oh my god

and and and Quince was one of the best she opened her perfectly the same length legs

and allowed the man to sip from her water hole of wonder oh my that's a good one lord above that's a new one sip from I water hole of wonder. Oh my. Lord above. That's a new one. Sip from. I think the sip

motion is misleading. I can't imagine it's like a buffalo or like a giraffe. Why is it a watering hole? Water hole. I suppose it's kind of suggesting like a kind of thirst. Can I just say, this is massive filler.

What the fuck happened to Giselle? What the hell happened to the conference she was supposed to be going to? This is a copy and paste chapter from any old book, isn't it? This could be in anything Quince sniffed in her pussy perfume with pleasure Eau de pussy Before getting to work Bella had positioned herself underneath the Spanish senor

Because she was more in the mood for balls today. Oh, wait, sorry. So explain the geography for me. So I think Belinda's probably on her back and Quince is on his knees, yeah, licking her out. And then Bella's underneath him. Oh, kind of same position as Belinda, but shuffled down. Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

Sure. Through the moans and groans of Belinda in pleasure, Bella began thinking about how maligned bollocks had been on this earth. Imagine being a forgotten left testis. The world hardly knew you, yet there will be no world without you. This is Rocky's music. What the fuck is this? I'm sorry.

Is that because sperm is... You need testicles to reproduce on the earth. Are you trying to find meaning in that? I don't know. I feel like he's lost it. I feel like he's... Bella so often mused on intellectual thoughts such as this. Yes, she's such a smart girl.

But not on beach days what is happening it's weirdly melancholy for discussion of balls but what yeah and what an odd moment of like profundity why is that yeah where he kind of spends some time and starts like musing about the world in between quince's legs. I mean, he sees the world through different eyes. And that is magical. He sees the world through different balls. His eyes are much more blind.

No. Quince's two fertile orbs in their skin sack home were hanging large. It's absolutely hanging. So Bella started to teabag them up. Oh, wow. Okay, well, that's the end of that.

Teabag them up. Yeah, I was just saying, that's the phrase, isn't it? To teabag something up. I don't, do people even say teabag? But do they? What, in the moment? Yeah, I don't think in the moment,

I don't think you go, would you just do a bit of light teabagging, would you? Yeah, no, I don't think you would. I don't think you go would you just do a bit of light tea bagging would you yeah no I don't think you would what would you say put my balls in your mouth can there be

something between can you do some light tea bagging and put your balls in my mouth finally it was time for penetration

finally and Quince slipped into Belinda's privately maintained road like an expert parallel parker. The mind boggles as to whether he has a list of the metaphors.

And then when it comes to needing to write about it, does he cross it off? Is he like, okay, we've done the private road. Used that. Yeah, exactly. I worry though, is the list run out a long time ago? Oh yeah. It's when he's like, you know's like the conveyor belt at the checkout

when you've done the big shop or whatever. You're like, where the fuck has this come from? So Belinda's privately maintained road like an expert parallel parker. In and round and out and in again, flush to the sides and gorgeous to the feel. You can't parallel park your penis in a vagina. No. You absolutely can't. park your penis in a vagina. No. You absolutely can't. What are you parking it parallel to?

How are you doing the sort of diagonal out motion? The only issue was that sand was everywhere and the windbreak kept blowing over. We've got windbreak! Are they even on a private beach? I mean, I don't mean officially private, but is it concealed? Oh, I'm sure there's people everywhere what oh i have no doubt yeah i bet it's but it's a saturday the

beach is rammed quince had to intermittently reverse out of the languid ladies to straighten the towel too i don't care i don't care about the towel i don't care about the windbreak i don't think you would either if you were in that position i don't think you'd be like oh loving the thorough teabagging i'm supping up from this waterhole oh god the towel's all askew of course it is of course it bloody is three bodies wriggling all over the place. No matter, the sex was as powerful as the sun's rays, sizzling their nudeness like a good, old-fashioned Aussie Barbie. Oh. Bella, Belinda and Quinn.

Oh! Very. Very what? Go on, very what? Now, that was a hot,dled barbecue all right and he spelt barbecue bbq hot riddled riddled no just riddled riddled riddled with hot riddled riddled with heat um now that was a hot riddled bbq all right just then oh no oh god giselle's still looking through the green room. This all happened in the green room.

There's a little beach in the green room. Just then Quince seemed to get upset. Seemed to? Sorry. He mumbled. It's okay Quince. Blurred Belinda kindly. Baby boy don't worry.

Premature coming is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, a recent study found that between one out of three men have experienced this problem at one time or another. Oh my God. All right, Rocky, getting into facts. After school special. You could try taking a break from us beauties

and think about something ugly. Bella proffered. Oh, he's come now. It's too late. Rubbing her clitoral skin tag. Oh! Oh, my. Look alive. Look alive.

Skin tag. Or just take a deep breath when you feel it happening, added Belinda. I don't think that works. Could you imagine? linda i don't think that works um this is again an unusual point to kind of make a point about yeah an issue suffered by men no he what do you know when he's not teaching about business there's there's other takeout from these books yeah uh and it's men's sexual health and i'm i'm you know sure i guess i was just thinking if you were using it as intended to get your rocks off and obviously to get your business started um in all senses of the phrase that might slightly throw you that might be something you

don't really want to be thinking about i don't know also that's the only time he's done it they haven't known him for very long it might he might just got very excited yeah it might not be a chronic problem of his although he does look upset yeah i'm sorry oh so what advice are they actually giving him so bella says that he should think about something ugly. Belinda says just take a deep breath. And then Bella comes back with something else. Did you come quickly as a teenager to avoid being caught wanking? It might be hard to break the habit, said Bella.

Now tucking into a bag of Spud Pops. What, she's just eating crisps? She's still between his legs, just ramming in... What are they called? Spud pops. What are they? They're probably just whole potatoes, baked. Just a bag of baked potatoes.

There's no definition for how long straightforward sex should last, Belinda rounded off the pep talk. Why is this sex education lesson? Like, all right, we get it. Everyone's really chill about everything. Also, he's forgotten about the plot what the fuck is going on i don't care oh how's the towel by the way is it still straight good god so she's like and there's no definition for how long straightforward sex should last

no you weird women quince replied standing tall i'm sorry for this Oh no, oh god He's going to peel a mask off and he's Giselle underneath And just then The beach was flooded With black ops With rifles And muggled Looking bayonets

Drawn Oh my god Shut up So Quinn's was a plant bayonets drawn. Oh my god, shut up! So Quince was a plant? The terrified Belinda and Bella screamed for mercy. Of course they did. So sorry, it's the who? The special? Black Ops.

With rifles and modern looking bayonets drawn. Bayonets. The terrified Belinda and Bella screamed for mercy as a helicopter descended from the sky. Oh, come on now. And landed in front of them, spraying sand all over their naked forms. Sorry, what's the charge?

No, I imagine it's controlled by Giselle. Black Ops? Well, she's got her own army. Just you wait, I bet. I bet he's not really fucking thought about it. She's got her own police fucking force. What's going on Bella cried Are these Navy Sea Lions

Are they out to get us Is she still eating the pops buds Yeah she's put those down She's clutching onto those for dear life But Belinda knew the answers And all her worldly fears Were proved right when George Sylvester

limped out of the Leonardo da Vinci designed air vehicle. Doubt it. Brilliant. He was special ops, wasn't he? Oh yeah. So he's like engaged the black ops to... But you don't, you can't just engage the black ops. It's not like,

I don't even know what black ops is. Maybe they're like retired black ops or they're like all quite old and ask us all to stop saying black ops i think even if you were one or you were special ops or whatever i don't think you can just be like guys can't do us a favor can you um can 80 to 100 of you descend on three people on the beach having sex i don't think you can do that well you don't know how much money they've got they They've got millions in the bank. They haven't yet. They've only had one trunch, haven't they?

Ta Quince. I bet Quince isn't even his real name. That was the first red flag. Oh my God. Ta Quince sneered George as he slipped

five bucks into the Spaniard's hand. Five bucks! He's paid for all these fucking helicopters and all this personnel. Here's a fiver. Go and buy yourself a pick and mix.

Belinda Blumenthal and Bella Ridley as I live, breathe and limp. He's self-aware, if nothing else. They're just naked at this point. Naked at the end of the war. Eating Spud Pops, yeah. Oh, thank God! George, are you here to save us?

Screeched Bella. Oh, God, she's even more annoying when she's distressed. So, wait, do they know each other from the wedding? Yeah, but I guess Bella doesn't know that he's evil because she just thinks that he's Tony's brother. So what does she think he's there to save them from? The black ops. He's got out of the helicopter or whatever. Because she just thinks that he's Tony's brother. So what does she think he's there to save them from? The Black Orbs.

He's got out of the helicopter or whatever. I don't know. She's not all there, is she? George Sylvester laughed like a man possessed by an evil Tommy Cooper. Wow, what a look. So like... Try the opposite, sweet cheeks. wow what a look so like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh try the opposite

sweet cheeks she's not gonna get that you're gonna have to spell it out yeah I've got nothing against you personally George but you're a bastard Belinda uttered

just as a beautiful blonde woman in a catsuit leather blonde woman in a catsuit leather exited the chopper. Catsuit leather what? Blonde woman in a catsuit leather exited the chopper. Oh my God. Giselle sneered at her former colleagues and Glee team members. Little thing.

Look what the pussy dragged in. Belinda spat. Very good. Save your breath to warm your hands in the cell you'll soon call home, Bloomin' Thul. Oh, good comeback. Oh, wow. It is really quite the sparring match. What a tete-a-tete.

Seize them, shouted George, and the many upon many black op goons descended on the girls. So many goons in this book. So many goons. So many goons. Seize them, and we presume take them somewhere to kill them. Belinda blinked. Oh my god.

And that is the end of the chapter. I mean this with all due respect holy fucking shit. What is going on? There's your plot James. You were getting very agitated weren't you?

You're right he did but then I wonder if he was writing it and he was like oh shit the plot and then he was like just descended loads of helicopters on the scene

because why did he like he had the set up at the beginning of the chapter like Giselle Yeah I know and then he just took us entirely

out of that played out this frankly pointless scenario False sense of security though James is a classic literary device and also he probably

just wanted to see a lot of Australia and you and you know the experience get a feel for the place i have to check something i have to check what black ops are exactly yes that's a good idea talk about a roller coaster of a few days started they've done the deal of their lives and now oh my god yeah dead sorry totally listening to you. But also, black ops, they're a covert or clandestine operation by a government agency, a military unit or a paramilitary organisation. It can include activities by private companies or groups. Key features of a black operation are that it's secret and not attributable to the organisation carrying it out.

Oh, so they could feasibly employ black ops. It could be just vicious people. Well, it says here, such operations are known to have been carried out by the FBI, CIA, MI6. Oh my God. And Bish Hirsalong. And Bish Hirsalong. Fuck.

So now they're in captivity. What's going to happen? Two chapters to go. It's all to play for. It's anybody's game. Okay, so come back next week. And in the meantime, get in touch. My dad wrote a porno

at gmail.com for your longer theories twitter at dad wrote a porno instagram if you like the pictures at my dad wrote her we're on facebook and also don't forget we're going on tour we're going all over the world it's belinda's 30th birthday if she survives oh my god that's the point you can't celebrate your birthday if you're dead it's a brand new chapter from Rocky it's going to be a wild night and you can get your tickets now at mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live

just saying a lot of venues sold out so get on it yeah right okay guys you're going to have to go I'm off to bed actually before you leave

could you just help me turn my four singles into one giant double I have brought my travel spanner and his cake fork oh I have brought my travel spanner. And his cake fork. Oh. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks,

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