My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E12 - 'Two Clits In The Clink'

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

In the penultimate chapter, Bella and Belinda are stuck behind bars as James Spooner makes a plan to rescue them. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice, James, how are we? It's the penultimate chapter of Blinderblink 5. It most certainly is and I am on tenterhooks because we're on the beach and black ops have landed. They have indeed.

Oh my goodness. Giselle's there. George is there. Bella and Belinda are now imprisoned. What the fuck's going to happen? Well if it's anything like last chapter, we're going to go tourist trailing again. We're going to go to the fucking, I don't know, what haven't they been to yet? Sydney Opera House? A wallaby sanctuary. Wallaby sanctuary. Oh time we were in australia we held koalas we did yeah

i didn't i wasn't invited um and as they were handing them over they were like a lot of koalas have chlamydia yeah that's true mine sneezed on me i don't think you can get it through no i was a little bit like oh my god you're sneezed on you yeah do you remember no it through sneezing. No, but I was a little bit like, oh my God. But you all sneezed, don't you? Yeah, do you remember? No. It was quite a cute little sneeze. It was like... But how do you get chlamydia from a koala? You can't. I think that's just a myth.

Just if you fuck it. They have... James! Oh, sorry. Why are you fucking koala bears? I'm not! Why are you asking so many questions about it, more to the point? Yeah, for a friend.

Which ways can I and can I not contract chlamydia from a koala bear? James, we can talk about this after. I was in their hands stop it why do you need to know come on james look alive did you tickle it like what did you do to it just hugged it great huggers oh lovely well let's do it again al because it's really good i don't know if i want to go with james i'll go with you james you can stay in the. I feel like he might have a lifetime ban with these questions. You've had your fun with those koalas. This is always the point that we feel a bit emotional about, not the books, but about the podcast, because it'll be the end soon.

And then what? No friendship, no nothing, you know? No job. Exactly. Evenings are our own. Can't wait. Be great. A normal relationship with my dad.

Brilliant. Well, there's still two chapters to go so maybe he will bring it all together who knows and let's not forget how long those chapters feel yes true

and let's not forget we are friends beyond this so yes all things to bear in mind yeah our lives aren't changing at all it's all fine

okay does anyone want to know what the chapter title is Mia wow me yes please Does anyone want to know what the chapter title is? Me. Wow. Me. Yes, please.

The chapter's called Two Clits in the Clink. Oh. Oh. Oh, God. So there you go. The clink. The clink. I haven't heard that in so many years. So medieval.

Okay. Should we go? Any of the business? I actually think it was a clit hanger last time. Like, we don't usually get those. No. And he very rarely delivers on it. But I actually feel like a lot of people will be coming back this chapter thinking, what's what?

So. I love your optimism. James, you're looking very expectantly there. Sorry, I'm just kind of folding my arms. You're just ready let's do it all right let's do it then what are those clits up to belinda blinked five chapter 12 two clits in the clink oh oh what Hair Bish was squatting

on his Teflon throne furious and freezing sorry it's made of non-stick material you'd slip right off wouldn't you

I mean you don't usually stick to a throne anyway it's not really necessary is it and you're literally not going to be able to get purchased you'll just never quite sit it might be good for the core or something

it might be like you know some people sit on those yoga balls at work a teflon throne where the hell do you work no no people sat on yoga balls at the office in trendy hipster places you will find out they do i stand corrected so hairbish was squatting on his Teflon throne, furious and freezing in his schlosh. Oh, so we're back to Germany? Yeah. There's a throne in the schlosh? In the schlosh. Of course there's a throne in the schlosh.

Do you think? There's an actual throne in the schlosh. It'd be crazy if there wasn't a throne in the schlosh. There's no schlosh without a throne. It's really bad, isn't it? What do you mean they have escaped to the sun with the professor

of pots? Who's escaped with the professor of pots? So Slince wouldn't have known Oh shit Yeah

That Giselle and George are now in Australia Yeah The last time that he saw them was just before his gentleman's woof Yes and of course

he doesn't know that Slince is dead No So he thinks Slince has gone with them to Australia And that they've taken Slince with them to get the blueprints for themselves, probably.

Yeah, sure. So wait, has the gentleman's wolf just cleared and he's come too? A frail froy line was licking his bare feet with her tongue. Is that Petra? Poor Petra. That'll push you over the edge if you're frail. But despite her best efforts, he was not turned on or even hard. Speech! What?

He hollowed. Speech. S-P-E-I-C-H. I think it might mean speak, maybe? Speak. Speak! He hollowed. Australia here, spoke goon number three. What? No! We need the trioxy blue tickets. How does goon number three know more about what's going on than Bish?

Well, because he needs the goons to be in the loop. Right, okay. Loop in your goons. Loop in the goons for goodness sake. Always loop in the goons. CC your goons in every email. We must go there. No.

Bish isn't safe to fly to Australia. He's not in good health. He reeks. They've got to put him in the hold. No, but like, he had a heart attack

about 12 hours earlier. It's an earth myth. Still. It was an earth myth. It's an earth myth. Still, he's in his 200s. Are you saying people in their 200s shouldn't enjoy air travel? There's got to be a cut-off.

I just feel like you could just fold him up in a suitcase and be fine. Yeah. I imagine his bones are really soft. Just don't declare him. Yeah, he's like salami that you probably shouldn't be bringing into the country. Although Australia, very, very strict on that stuff. Very strict. Alice.

What? But, but, but they don't even let in nuts, hair beef. They don't. And he is a nut. Spoke goon number seven. How many goons? Just have one goon, make sure they know everything. But what if that goon gets compromised?

Then two goons. I think seven's excessive. We don't even know if that's the top level of goon gets compromised? Oh, then two goons. I think seven's excessive. We don't even know if that's the top level of goon. Hairbishing the seven goons. You'll never make it through quarantine screening. Who are these little piggies? The goons. The goons.

Wait, what won't make it through quarantine? Because he's a petri dish of bacteria and disease. True. Silence! Bish shrieked. True. Silence, Worm. Bish shrieked. What? Silence, Worm.

Dad spells everything verbatim with Bish, so it's silence, which is normal, but then Worm is spelled V-U-R-M. Oh, Worm. Worm. Oh, he's calling the goon a Worm. A Worm. Silence, Worm. It's the Worm goon. He snapped his finger splinters and goon number seven fell through the trap door to a sex dungeon below oh he's got treated well yeah depending on the

circumstances could be a reward don't know i mean it's house of bish so probably not what's weird is that's not for bish's benefit the sex dungeon no he's not going to the sex dungeon is he oh no i bet he loves the sex dungeon i bet that's where he's got all these ailments from over the years. He's probably, like, snapped his leg in there from some brace. Bish kicked aside the wench and creaked his bones, levering himself up to his little legs. How dare this special one and her madman think they can trick me? They cashed millions of euros.

I am no fool. They will pay. With their lives, we fly tonight. Sounds like he's a witch. He's going to go on a broom. Oh, my. That took it out of you, didn't it? I'm knackered.

So, Spish is after Giselle and George. Giselle and George are after Bella and Belinda. Bella and Belinda are after Cosmo Macaroon. Cosmo Macaroon's after another series of Dancing in the Star with Superstars. No, he said no to that. Oh, he said no to that. He doesn't want to do it. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, so he's like, I am the fool. They will pay with their lives. Oh my gosh. Okay, so he's like, I am the fool. They will pay with their lives. We fly tonight. Oh my gosh. How does that not kill him to do that? Both Jamie and Bish. Half the world away,

Belinda and Bella were behind bars and in chains in chains they hadn't slept a blink very nice what was this even about wondered bella god this is about so much thought belinda both ends of the spectrum there this is about so much oh my god what this is about i think it's about so much that really sums them both up in like a sentence the tweedle dum and tweedle d exactly then just after a poultry lunch spread of spread on bread george sylvester hobbled into the cell but not behind the bars what so how's he in the cell maybe like the wider cell the greater cell the outer cell the outer cell if you will that's spread on bread um a poultry lunch spread of spread on bread a poultry lunch poultry sorry was it a poultry lunch or was it a poultry lunch chicken spread on bread

i don't like the generic use of spread no very disconcerting might be that horrible chicken spread all right well i was gonna say i quite like that i'd be happy if that was my what that sandwich filling and stuff yeah lovely i used to love luncheon meat though do you remember luncheon meat what's that one it was just like i don't know it's meat is your biggest clue the fact it was just called meat yeah it was just bits of everything like mashed together that's all right yum yum i think i guess it's like a modern spam a modern spam modern i think modern about luncheon meat, my darling. Was it in circles? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And do you remember those bear face pieces of meat? Billy Bear Ham. Yeah. Face meat, my friend's mum used to call it. She'd go, do you want cheese or face meat? What would you have for your packed lunch? I bet you had fucking fancy shit.

I bet she had school dinners. I didn't have school dinners. My mum made our packed lunch and it was a little bit out of there. Oh, there we my god our favourite sandwich wasn't spread or bread our favourite sandwich filling was

hummus grated carrot and grapes oh shit oh my god you're as bad as him with his cake I could just say that is way worse than me

no but I think that was just because we were not cos posh I think cos a bit hippie we didn't really have like chocolate bars and stuff in our lunch boxes that often we really have like Chocolate bars and stuff In our lunchboxes that often

We'd have like Maybe a fig roll Homemade fig roll Sorry What was it In your sandwich Hummus, carrot and what? Grapes

In a sandwich I actually don't like that either Because of the kind of mixture Of sweet and savoury They're each to their own obviously And sometimes we'd have A pit of bread Stuff with seasonal leaves

Fresh garden vegetables What's that grass? Yeah grass out the garden You know maybe a pit of bread stuff with seasonal leaves um fresh garden vegetables yeah grass out the garden you know maybe a kind of farmhouse cheddar i can't you really need to take everything that you said to me this series back no but i wore it well you wore it like a pretty little pretentious so and so didn't you but i didn't do any of the things you've created a version of me that never existed you actually were like that. Well, I'll come round to my tomorrow, luncheon meat, tomato ketchup on a sandwich.

Oh, you cannot beat it. You haven't lived. So George is in the cell, but not behind the bars. What kind of fork do you eat it with? Just out of interest. Belinda took to her stilettoed feet and spoke the language they all understood to be UK English. Australian English, very different. Well, as we learned from our good Abe Belinka's bloody footnote, got all of them wrong, didn't we? Speaking of goons. Yeah, so it is a box

of wine. I know that now. You can stop tweeting me. Yeah, it's when you take the bag from a box of wine out and you drink it from the bag that is a goon everybody not the word for a great invention though it is a great invention i took the website literally all right um excuse me george but we've got a cookware conference to be at today good one belinda no they have that's what they're there for that's their coverage remember oh i thought they were there to sell pots to cosmo macaroon yeah why were they selling pots to Cosmo Macaroon then I don't know they were just moonlighting

just doing a deal just because they're being opportunistic right so she's like we've got a cookware conference to be at today what does she think he's going to do like

oh yeah of course sorry let me just open the gate my bad here's your accreditation and your lanyard have a good one oh my god Alice you're on Rocky's wavelength

so much today what George replied ha ha ha I'd burn your accreditation badges if I were you, Bloomingthal. Because you won't be needing them. Because you won't be going. Because you're here in jail.

You don't need to burn them. Just chuck them in the bin. And please, the clink. Yeah. But I've got to give a very important presentation on... But Belinda stopped herself. Oh, I know, said George,

Aussie's son glinting off his fake silver back molar. It wasn't a real offer to go to the conference. That was from George and Giselle to get them to Australia. No. Good guess, though. Thank you. Thanks, James. Oh, I know.

I know you know all about the trioxy brillo range. Don't you, Belinda Blumenthal? So is she the only person that knows as much or maybe just a little bit less than slints? Belinda gasped, then blinked. Why would she know as international sales director? Because maybe she has to have the inner scoop of what it was to know how to sell it. Yeah, but to sell it, you don't need to know as much as slints.

Yeah, she's not going to have all the information in her head about how to physically make it. Surely not, because that's not really necessary to sell it, is it? Let's just go with the narrative. Let's believe it for once. When have we ever done that? Yeah, we're not starting that today. Somewhere far, but not too far away spooner was bonking a blonde beach babe with big boobs up the bum so spoon is there he is somewhere far but not too far away well he must be in australia then yeah they traveled together remember he was at the airport yeah but there was no reference to him being on the plane.

He did that thing in the lounge before, where he, like, cleared someone's memory or something. And he was... Yeah, but he had to... But he had to go for a shit before he got on the plane. Do you remember? No. He must have used it on me.

No, he was in Australia. We haven't seen him yet, but I think he's supposed to have been there the whole time. Right. Sure. So somewhere far, but not too far away, Spooner was bonking a blonde beach babe with big boobs up the bum. Up the bum, no wonder.

At least someone's having fun. Can you really keep me out of the state opening of Parliament, Mr Spoons? She yelled as her ash shagged him right back. She's a power bottom. Remind me, power bottom just means you're really into it or it's lots of people that you bottom. What, like you collect? Yeah.

Power over time. Yeah, do you... Do they just kind of energise you up? No, a power bottom is someone that is actively involved in the anal sex as much like... They push back. Yeah, sometimes you can just lie there and the power bottom will do all the work. How on earth? We'll just do the up and downing and the thrusting.

So that's quite a bottom. That is a power bottom. So you don't get the title power bottom for nothing? No, you don't. And with great power bottom comes great responsibility. Oh my goodness, use it wisely, of course. So she's a power bottom. Thanks for you don't and with great power bottom comes great responsibility oh my goodness use it wisely of course so she's a power bottom thanks for clearing that up james power bottom go go power bottom engage turbo which power bottom are you you're the red power bottom oh that's not good is it no one wants the red power bottom the baboon the rosebud purple you

don't want to be the brown power bottom you You don't want to be the brown power bottom. You don't really want to be the pink power bottom, I do. Or the purple one, really. Yellow? No! Oh, God. Can you really keep me into the style opening of Parliament, Mr Spoons? She yelled as her ash shagged him right back.

Oh, yes. He panted to the rhythm of a ticking clock. Just behind the Queen's milk muff sorry is that a clock is that what you're worried about sorry queen's mink muffles what did you say just behind the queen's mink muff just perfectly fine to say completely legit nothing sexual about that he can get her stood behind the queen at the State Opening of Parliament. What a weird, sexy offer. Can I shag you on the beach? But also, he'll never guess where I can get you. Just behind the Queen's mink muff.

She orgasmed. But then... But then Spooner stopped fucking the living daylights out of her and pulled out of her backward pussy. Living daylights, isn't that a Bond film? Out of her backward pussy. Backward pussy. Oh, so it's not anal, it's just from behind.

It's from behind. Oh. He did say up the bum, didn't he? Unless he's saying, he's calling the anus the backward pussy. It kind of is the backward pussy. I mean, it's not. It's famously not anus the backward pussy. It kind of is the backward pussy. I mean, it's not. It's famously not.

Front bum, back bum. Oh, Lord. That's not. Belinda! He shouted. Fuck you! Shouted the owner of the ass. My name's Fanny Driller.

It was last night and it is now. How dare you get me mixed up with another midnight lady funny driller well that's a that seems like quite a trad porn name right yeah that's the first actual porn name we've had because everybody has such unsexy names in these books also quite bond girly like pussy galore yes actually there was one called chew me chew me was there yeah roger was like oh and who are you she's like chew me you're like oh god that hasn't aged well what's your porn name so it's the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on first pet okay so mine would be rocket trafalgar jesus that's quite good it's quite good isn't it you sound like a detective i do a bit yeah a sexy non-sexy detective many thanks james um snowy bins oh

snowy bins old and dirty what about you um we never had a pet my mum and my dad had too many children to have a pet as well so uh let's just have the street name so i'd have been called ashley they call me ashley to be fair quite good singular i feel like you'd have to be a really famous porn star to go by one name yeah like madonna or not many men have only one name. It's always like Cher, Madonna. Seal. Okay. God, twice in two podcasts.

Prince. Prince. That's a good one. Okay, fine. Anyway, Ashley, come on. Back to the book. How dare you get me mixed up with some other midnight lady? No.

She's a business associate and a terrific fuck in the sheet sack, if truth had been true to its namesake. I beg your pardon? associate and a terrific fuck in the sheet sack if truth were being true to its namesake i beg you pun and a terrific fuck in the sheet sack if truth were being true to its namesake jesus christ you did well with that thank you and a terrific fuck in the sheet sack of truth of being true to his namesake but i have to go you'd be, what are you mumbling under your breath? Fine. You see, Belinda had been meant to meet Spooner last night, but 10 martinis too many had made him forget 100%. He's on a mission. Yeah, rubbish.

Shit spy. So he's just got drunk last night while Belinda's been in prison? Well, yeah, I guess she was supposed to do a check-in. Yeah. You know, when they hired Spooner, was he literally the only person available? I think he just sounded like James Bond. And they were like, well, you must be good. You sound like one of the most famous spies in the world. Remember, he was actually hired by Jim Walters, right?

Someone that someone knew from somewhere. It wasn't like he was properly appointed. Like, everything he's done has been a massive cock-up. Yeah, literally. He pulled on his bush shorts and cargo top and left Fanny Driller spitting feathers on the bed. What an unpleasant collection of words. Back in the place in Australia

where Bella and Belinda are being held hostage... Which we could all say because we all remember. Giselle was nakedly wanking up the not-so-pleasant George. Wanking up. Wanking up. What else? What other options are there? Wank down. Wanking up. See, thatanking up the not-so-pleasant George. Wanking up. Wanking up. What else? What other options are there? Wank down.

Wanking up. See, that's up the shaft. So, like, only going up and not doing down. Oh. Oh. Oh, I'm back to base. Oh, I'm back to base. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, okay. Let go at the top and then back to the bottom. Very flamboyant there, J. Or do you kind of, when you get to the top, do you do a kind of like, with the hands back down, but you're not, but you're not wanking. You're just. No. Just kind of running your fingernails down.

Yeah. Interesting. I don't know. I can't wait for this plan to start working. That makes all of us. I mean, the good thing is at least everyone's as shit as each other. They're all just bungling up their plans. Yeah.

It's just loads of people who just don't know what they're doing. It's quite true to life, really. Like, everyone just like fumbles their way through life, don't quite true to life, really. Like, everyone just, like, fumbles their way through life, don't they? I mean, look at us, for fuck's sake. Fake it till you make it.

I can't wait for this plan to start working. Ah, yeah. But what will make Bloomin... But what will make Bloominthal talk? Oh, yeah, I like that.

So Dan's just done a little aside in between sentences here in brackets hyphens actually oh sorry hyphens I can't wait for this plan to start working

ah yeah but what will make Blumenthal talk oh I like that shall we feed the other one to a crock ow not so vigorous Giselle

you know my frenulum of prepuce of penis is tighter than most. What? If I had a pound. If I had a pound. What is a frenulum, please? Is that a foreskin?

Frenulum of prepuce of penis. Well, I'm guessing it's that bit that connects. Oh. Yeah. The banjo string. Is that what it's called? Colloquially. Because this is the frenulum.

Under your tongue. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the frenulum. Because you can have that pierced, can't you? Is that what it's called? Colloquially. Because this is the frenulum. Under your tongue. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the frenulum. Because you can have that pierced, can't you? An elastic band of tissue under the glans penis that connects it to the prepuce. So his is smaller than most. It's tighter, I guess. That's what he said.

So she's really going for it and yanking it. And he's like, ow. Oh, that's quite horrible. The main thing I wonder about that is when did they have that conversation? Like he's just said she knows that. You know I've got a tight frenulum. Yeah, when do you introduce that?

Midway through date one? Giselle, I told you my frenulum and free-for-all penis is short. But I thought you said we wouldn't harm them, Georgie. Georgie? That they were just bait. B bait bait gets eaten jizzy jizz it's so silly all together now one two three it's quite fun to say it's like sausages and that's spelt j-i-z-z-y-g-i-s jizzy jizz oh he's done every possible spelling jizzy jizz oh wow jazelle i guess you know no no i know i fully got it thank

you so much thank you mansplain 101 thousand apologies i'm so sorry okay so um jazzy jeff is wanking off don't drag j drag Jazzy Jeff into this yet again. But you said we'd feed them to Bish to save our skins, not to a bloodthirsty crocodile. I say a lot of things, Giselle. I'm a serial liar and fantasist. It's so self-aware. And I also tell the truth.

Think of me as a game of veracity Russian roulette. You never know what you're going to get. Veracity Russian roulette. Oh never know what you're going to get. Veracity Russian Roulette. Oh, wow. What a lovely little... Yeah, I really like that as a little kind of concept. Why is George Sylvester the most fleshed out character in these books? And eloquent. Think of me as a game of Veracity Russian Roulette.

You never know what you're going to get. He ejaculated you never know what you're gonna get okay i'm not really listening as white spermatozer glooped down her knuckles oh yeah uh book five he knows it he knows it well. Yeah, that would happen. Gross. Spermatozo, though. Come on. Well, I was going to say, book five, chapter 12,

is finally run out of ways to describe Spunk. By calling it its proper name. Yeah. Well, I think that's what he falls back on, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Latinate or whatever it is. If in doubt, I'll finally pick up a book. Burgled of their freedom down the hall,

Belinda and Bella were getting shocked and sad. Oh no. Shocked and sad. That's definitely two things you don't want to feel in porn. Like, shocked maybe a little bit, sad, gonna kill it. I just imagine them sat in a room just shifting between the emotions quite quickly like oh no that would be awful what an awful combination

the horrid and big jail man capital J capital M new character I'm the jail man watching them was a lech with bad breath and an annoying habit for talking so that was how Mrs. Melody decided to leave Uncle Fearfolks Watching them was a lech with bad breath and an annoying habit for talking.

So that was how Mrs Melody decided to leave Uncle Fairforks for the hotter climes of Cairns. But she did find it too hot after a while, you see, and... Cor, I've just noticed... The jail man interrupted himself. You're a gorgeous couple of sheilas. Oh my God. Can I just apologise? We're going to be in Australia soon and I don't know if we can walk down the street

with our heads held high. I'm not going to get in. Just noticed, he's been there for hours. Yeah, but he's so busy telling his story. He is, isn't he? But hasn't he seen Belinda's magnificent breasts? They catch the eye from far away. What are they wearing as well?

Because they weren't wearing an awful lot on the beach, so aren't they naked? Well, she definitely got her stilettos on because she stood up on those earlier. Yeah, but she never wears a top on the beach. We know that for a fact. Oh, because a beach bra was non-existent. Yeah.

You're a gorgeous couple of Sheilas. Er, my name's Bella. Said Bella. Oh my God. And I'm Belinda. No Sheilas here. Oh God. Look alive, And I'm Belinda. No Sheila's here. Oh God. Look alive, girls.

Said Belinda, looking around her empty surroundings. Bella's like, where's Sheila? Stupid, stupid. But then she looked at Bella. The same thought throthing between them. Throthing? Throthing. Frothing? Fr them. Throthing? Throthing. Frothing?

Frothing. Throthing. Throthing. Frothing? Or throthing. How's it spelled? T-H. Oh, God.

It's throthing. But if you want us to be called Sheila, we can be called Sheila. Belinda purred. The guy must be like, no, it's still in a phrase. Like, Sheila's is a collective term for women. Oh, Sheila, you look hot. Oh, Christ. Oh, I am quite warm, Sheila.

Oh, my God, stop calling each other Sheila. I think I could lose some of these layers, Sheila. They've not got any layers on. Let Sheila help you, Sheila. Oh, my God. What is this? What is this awful sketch comedy? Never let those clits out the clink.

Life sentence. And with that sexy talk, Bella stripped Belinda of her buttercup and dandelion patterned sundress. She must have been given that by the Black Ops. Cover yourself up. We've got this lovely Dandelion Bird Dog tablecloth. Dandelion Bird Dog! Her exposed titties rose to her chin as her double nipples grew like they were suffering from anaphylactic shock.

Her double nipples. Double nipples. That's were suffering from anaphylactic shock. Double nipples. Double nipples. That's a disgusting thought. Yeah. One on top of the other or side by side. I don't know, what would they be? Side by side, sure. Or more like, I was thinking like a snake tongue where they split into like a double.

Oh. Bella's big lips clamped onto those nozzles of flesh and sucked hard. Why is it like the nipple stuff that just gets so much attention? I honestly feel ill every time. Because you just know he's into it. Yeah, nipples are his favourite. Nipples are his favourite. Sorry, Jamie, I can't help it and neither can James.

That's just a fact. Jamie. Okay. Can you just, Jamie, look at me. Your dad loves nipples. Oh my God. Just say it. No.

Why? No. Your dad loves nipples. Okay, your dad loves nipples. Oh, my God. Just say it. No. Why? No. Your dad loves nipples. Okay, your dad loves nipples. Suckin' em, tweezin' em, flickin' em. Jamie, I'm not doing it for the good of my health. Oh, Sheila, you're good at that. Stop saying Sheila.

Now stripped strip Bella obliged And stood in her bare beauty While the jail man's tongue Wobbled and splashed saliva over the cell Over the cell? Buckets of it Belinda squatted like a crab And moved towards Bella

What in the squat? Who adopted the same pose Just like two crabs Moving around themselves, like, to fly. Scuttling, like. Horrible. That's what I call a pencil movement. They bent their front bottoms into one another and dangled their clits together.

Sorry, what's with all this front bottom, back bottom business? Dangled. Dangled their clits, Alice. Dangled their clits Alice dangled their clits mama mia electrical excitement fused their systems but but they didn't stop wriggling fused so we can go back to the dangly clit. Yeah. They're never that long, are they? Well, I mean, they can be long, but they're not dangly. No, they're not dangly. They can be long. Well, they vary.

Every woman's is different. It's like a penis. Every size is different. Some protrude, some don't really, but like... But they're never dangly. I wouldn't say... Yeah. You've not got floor draggers like this.

Floor draggers, that's... Come on. Oh, sorry, I'm in the wrong. so they're dangling their clits together but they won't stop wriggling the jail man just stared at the phenomenon well you would wouldn't you be like what the fuck is going on what are these crab women with the long clits station sheila's doing newly conjoined twins connected by the clitoris. Come on. What? Conjoined clitorises?

They're fused? No, I don't know. They're literally fused. I think it's a... I don't know. Conjoined twins isn't a pleasant... I don't know anymore. That's not a pleasant comparison when they're being sexual, is it?

No. Take some of Rocky's, like, insaneness out of the way. So does that mean they're just,, is it? No. Take some of Rocky's like, insaneness out of the way. So does that mean they're just like, scissoring or something? Standing up scissoring?

Standing up scissoring. Or like, squatting scissoring? Crabby scissoring? Crabby. Again, crabby, not a nice image.

Won't you join us, please? Bella asked the jail man. But you can't touch us, can you? Oh, I know what's coming. Belinda prattled. You want to touch us? Deep.

Oh, God. Barf. Can you please pass the barf bucket? What do you think is going to happen? They're going to get him to open the door and then they're going to scuttle out like little crabs. Oh, my god. So, you want to touch us deep. This is the longest I haven't said

anything since July of 1974. I love him. I love Jailman. The Jailman gogs as he took his fat little helper out of his undies and began to jerk at work.

Oh, fat little helper. Sounds like a dance class I'd go to. Come on, plant that thick courgette in our vegetable patch. Oh, Belinda breathed over the bars. I mean, that's actually quite wholesome for Rocky. The jailman

succumbed and decoded the rusty combination lock. But just as he did, spoons jumped out of the shadow nowhere and shouted, Don't worry, ladies! In the name of Her Majesty, I'll save your bottoms!

I didn't see that coming. I didn't, actually. Why does it always have to say, In the name of her majesty I'll save your bottoms. I didn't see that coming. I didn't actually. Why does he always have to say in the name of her majesty? Just do what you were doing. Don't need the speech. It's a strange disclaimer isn't it? How did he know where they were?

He was nearby wasn't he? He was nearby. Yeah but he didn't know he was nearby. He didn't even know they'd been captured. He's a spy. He knows everything. I don't know why he's being so pinnickety. Yeah there's no point in questioning it.

Carry on, sorry. The jail man immediately snapped out of his sex days, moved to the side, pushed the cell door open and watched as Spoonz missed him and jumped straight inside. Sorry, one sec. So they'd nearly saved themselves. Spooner was watching all of this, so he must have seen that they'd nearly saved themselves

and that Jailman was going to open the gate. What Spooner's actually done is jumped inside the cell and Jailman's going to just clink it shut again. He's in the clink. Are you joking? The Jailman slammed the cell door shut and used his thumb to smudge the metal-ridged digits into a jumble. This locked the combination lock.

Yes, well, quite, of course. Okay, it's official. Spooner is the worst spy ever. He's a liability. He's a liability. Ever, ever, ever. You're incompetent, mate. Yeah, thank you.

Jailman, this is what I'm saying. Jailman is where it's at. He gets you. He's on your level. We're on the same page. I think we need a jailman spin-off. Honestly. You're, can you imagine the stories?

You're incompetent, mate. And incarcerated. Wait till I tell Mr Skipper George we got one more. Jail man, he's got good quips, he's smart. He told a good story. Yeah. Shut. Yes, shut indeed. Absolute shut.

Shut. Spooner spoke. Unable to look at either Bella or Belinda in the eyeballs due to shame. You really are, James Spooner, Belinda mouthed. You really are quite shit. Thank you. Everyone's very chill about the fact that he's basically just sealed the deal on them dying and being fed to a crock or a crab. Basically just sealed the deal on them dying and being fed to a crock or a crab.

We look at the hideaway complex from afar away and see a small, frail foot stand on the bushland. Who does? We do. Sorry, this is a screen direction. Yes, sort of camera direction. Then another foot step. Is there space between the words i don't know is this for when we turn it into a hollywood masterpiece why is it written like this now he's being cinematic now isn't he he's kind of like pulling it back yeah but he's in he's shifted into an entirely different style so we look at the hideaway complex from afar away and see a small frail foot stand on the bushland then another foot step so strange hair bish yes blinked and that is the end of the chapter

i have never felt more cheated Of the chapter. I have never felt more cheated. Oh my goodness. So. What an incompetent bunch. I would say goons, but they're not even as good as the goons. They almost don't deserve a story because they're so crap. I actually dream of the Cosmo macaroon days. Because it actually felt like there was promise.

Whereas now, are they all going to end up in the cell? Yeah. Like, you know, will Tony jump in there too? How do these people dress themselves in the morning? Honestly, how do they wake up? How have they got the biggest selling pots and pans range in Australian history? To be fair, okay. To be fair, I hate his sentences that start to be fair. We have Belinda and Bella and Spooner in the history. To be fair, okay. To be fair, I hate his sentences that start to be fair.

We have Belinda and Bella and Spooner in the cell. Yes. We've got Giselle. Why is he saying it like this? And George. Yes. Hair Bish has just arrived. Yes.

So Bish wants Giselle and George, but George and Giselle want to feed Belinda and Bella to Bish to escape I think there's something that can happen here I think I don't know so he's got everyone in one place yeah yeah in that cell literally in one place I feel like gel man's gonna unzip his body and inside's gonna be you know Des Martin precisely precisely so yeah you're right it's good that he's got everyone in one location like well suddenly he's got he's managed to find a way to get everyone into one place for a showdown that's quite good implausible and i would say impossible but he's covered that by saying that people were just nearby or within arm's reach he's very vague language about people's locations i mean how has

got there from germany to australia in like 25 minutes i, that is the last question on my mind. There's so many more before that. Okay. But I guess like, whereas in book four, we kind of thought slash hoped that the special one would be revealed in the last chapter. I really have no idea how this book's going to end or even if it'll end it satisfactorily. So yeah, last chapter next week

the grand finale we'll be having a listening party as we always do 8pm Monday the 2nd of December 8pm GMT

sorry so whatever time that is in your part of the world we'll all get on Twitter at the same time hashtag porno day people are so funny

with what they tweet and they always find the best gifs it's always so so much fun send us your pictures of you whatever you're having for dinner or wherever you're having your party. We want to see where you're getting involved and we'll all be pressing play at the same time. Some people listen to it on their commute because they can't wait.

So just listen to it again for the party. Yes, exactly. Exactly. This feels like one big setup for our trip to Australia. I'm expecting everything that's happened in the books to happen to us. Oh God, don't say that. Aren't we going to hunt out Cosmo Macaroon, surely? I want to meet Jailman. I mean, Jailman's at the top of my list. Yes, so we're going on tour starting in Australia.

We've sold out both Sydney Opera House, both Brisbane's, one of our Melbourne's. The tickets are flying off the shelves. They're really starting to go everywhere, so please do get them while you can. They're the oxybrillo range of comedy tickets. you can get yours now at my dad wrote a porno dot com forward slash live america uk europe we're going everywhere and it's belinda's 30th birthday you cannot miss it the crazy thing about this show compared to the last one is that rocky's

written a pick your porno chapter so you guys will decide you'll kind of make a bespoke pornographic piece don't say peace sorry uh to your requirements i mean that is if it all works out i mean rocky's written it so probably not honestly it is so ambitious i can't wait to see how he's fucked it up expect an eight hour show but every show is going to be different this year which is really exciting so you bunch of sheilas we'll see you next week for the big finale