My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E13 - 'Fight or Flight'

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

In the final chapter of 'Belinda Blinked 5', Belinda, Bella and Spooner come face-to-face with Bisch, Giselle and George in a dramatic showdown. But will everyone make it out in one piece? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's chapter 13, the last chapter of a Linda Blink podcast What a milestone we've got to find. This is mad I mean it's mad that we're still talking it's mad that you're still talking to Rocky it's mad that anybody's still alive it's mad that my parents are still married no SDIs have been mentioned the whole thing is just absolutely batshit. It really is. Could you have imagined a time when you'd have five Belinda Blink books under your belts? Do you know what I was thinking about this the other day

I actually can't believe we're still doing it. When Dad first sent me these books, I honestly wanted to die inside. The thought of reading five of them to the world. It's so bizarre that we're here. But we are going to have a break. Yes. Until January.

When we just read porn for the whole year. Yeah. Literally every night for three of these 65 days. No, we're going on tour obviously as I'm sure you already know we're off to Australia starting in January

yeah America Europe all of the UK anywhere basically that a character has ever originated from and more

yeah and it's Belinda's 30th birthday it's an absolute riot it's so much fun yeah and Rocky's written a very special new kind of chapter

it's a pick your porno you get to decide the narrative and what happens next. I mean, I don't know why we thought him changing the narrative structure to make it more complicated would work out. But we're going to give it a whirl all the same. He's done it now. He is struggling with the format somewhat, but you know. I mean, he can't write from A to B. Never mind from A or B or C.

What are you going to do? So if the thought of a confusing yet wild evening entices you, go to mydadwroteatporno.com forward slash live right now to get your tickets. They're selling out. Be quick. Yeah, they are. Oh, they are, Jamie. There's no backing out now. I know.

We actually have to do it now. Fuck. You are tied in, my darling. Okay. Well, should we finish Belinda Blink 5? No, I don't want to yet. Yeah. I want to know what happens.

No, I don't. I don't. And actually want to know what happens. No, I don't. I don't. And actually, if we read it, we probably won't find out what happens, so it's fine. We should do it. Maybe there's a clue in the chapter title. Would you care to share? Would you like to do the honours, sir, for the final time of book five? I would be honoured, actually, Alice.

It's called Fight or Flight. That's the right phrase, isn't it? Yeah, that's sensible. Oh, God, he's got good. Oh, fuck. I was waiting for, like, fight or flight. That's the right phrase, isn't it? Yeah. That's sensible. Oh, God, he's got good. Oh, fuck. I was waiting for like fight or fuck. Or like fight or clit. No, yeah.

Just fight or flight. This just shows you how eroded my brain is from this process. I'm like, but that sounds correct. Yeah, that makes sense. What's going on? Dad? Okay. It has got a semicolon after it just, you know, being in full form. Of course.

Guys, hold my hands. Oh, my hands are really sweaty. Oh, both of your hands are really sweaty. Okay, undo that idea, never mind. I'm just so excited. I feel like James is always secretly turned on, but he just hides it really well. Yeah, he's been rubbing his legs for years. Why do you think I sit as close to the table as possible?

It's to hide my boner. He's got a cheeky rocky boner. Everybody's got a rocky boner. Where's your little rocky boner? We've all secretly been turned on at one time in... No? No one? Are you fucking mad? Fuck off.

There was that... That time? What? Tamarix flute. Really? Smoke up the arse. Ass play. No, no, no.

I'm saying, was it for you? Oh, for you, James. Oh, no. Yeah, that's... Anyway, what's going on in the chapter? Have you ever been a turned on by Rocky Flintstone's work? Please email us. Have you ever been affected by the issues raised in this episode?

It's exactly James' joke, but said again in exactly the same voice. But that's become one of the tropes of the podcast. I hope you enjoy. You'll miss this every week. Do you like that like that joke just wait 10 seconds you'll hear it again built a career on it i really have that and just repeating lines just loud and screaming but to be fair if they don't like that they wouldn't still be here at this chapter, would they? So... Okay. So, Belinda Blinked 5, Chapter 13. Fight or flight?

In the safety of the safe house, Des Martin, Ken Dewsbury, Paddy O'Hamlin, Jim Thompson, Dave Wilcox, Bill Fletcher, and Tony Sylvester were playing strip rummy cub. Strip rummy cub. Oh, real game. So he's not changed the name. Interesting. A lovely numbers based game.

What is rummy Cub, please? It's the one on tiles, which looks initially a bit like dominoes, but they've got little numbers symbols on. I mean, I'd say it's quite a sedate game. Yeah. And usually nudeness, not a thing. Sounds like a kind of old manny game, something that might be played in a day centre.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Bridge and Rummy Cub. Actually, yes. Maybe that's what the safe house is, an old people's home. It does sound a bit like that, actually, now you say it. So they're all playing Strip Rummy Cub. Actually, yes. Maybe that's what the safe house is, an old people's home. It does sound a bit like that, actually, now you say it. So they're all playing strip Rummy Cub. All the men were half naked or worse. Or worse.

Apart from Bill from HR, who had donned a bobble hat, scarf and three shirts for the occasion. Clever. Put more layers on. The first time Bill's been smart. So he's wearing a bobble hat scarf and three shirts this despite being the four times in a row end of year

rummy cub champion of the medway towns well that's why he wears many many layers he knows what he's doing group of sevens shouted Ken Dewsbury as he peeled off

his yellowing underpants so that's bad group of sevens well I thought you meant yellowing underpants I was like it's not good no I think that's good isn't it sevens. Well, I thought you meant yellowing underpants. I was like, it's not good. No, I think that's good, isn't it? Oh, I don't know.

What, if you win, you take... Is the aim to be naked? He loves games, your dad. Yeah. But do you have a Flintstone games night? Do you do that? No, we don't really, actually. No, I think he's probably just channeling all of that into these books.

So not a Christmas even? No, because half the family don't really like the competitive nature of games. Oh yes, I do know this. Yeah, there's a bit of a division within the ranks. Half of us are very competitive and half of us aren't at all. I do recall.

It's not a good mix. I think I know which one you are. So, Group of Sevens, as he peeled off his yellowing underpants, he pranced around his fellow cocks,

flapping and thrashing his own with smugness sit down it sounds like you know when kids love being naked and they love just sort of like parading around that's what it sounds like usually just wearing wellies do you remember there's like loads of home movies of you just wearing like a hat and nothing else just as he was showing off his chopper to the group, the secret door chime chimed. It chime chimed? It chime chimed.

Everyone was like, quick lads, put your clothes on. We're not going to be able to explain this one in a hurry. Bill's like, who looks stupid now in their 22 bubble hats? Paddy O'Hamlin gulped as he stretched his legs vertically. Vertically? What? Stood up. Oh, right.

So I was like, eh? Don't stand up. It could be bish, hissed Des Martin, ringing the doorbell. And also, standing up's not going to make a difference. If anything, I'd want to be standing. It could be bish, hissed Des Martin, wearing only his tie. Petrified the safe house would be compromised and he'd have to return to his dank bedsit and sham of a life.

Oh God, I hope it's not the elderly bish who can barely walk. He'd probably just want to join in with the rummy cub. Run! Walk! I mean, you'd hear his rasp before you saw him. But Tony just nodded. To the dingle dangle. What was it called again?

Um, the chime chimes. The chime chimes. The pantless Patrick O'Hamlin cautiously went to the hall. Put trousers on. And opened the front door. Oh, come on. That DHL delivery man's going to get quite the eyeful.

Sorry, next door wasn't in. So can I leave this package with you? They said it was the safe place or is it safe house? There sat atop toffee apple tube oh shut up was the duchess we wanted it we asked for it i mean what did we expect sat atop so how she pushed the doorbell toffee apple she's done it it's a chime so maybe it's just like you pull it so who's done that she has he has oh no but they're both she my apologies yeah miss toffee apple chew solstice the stallion oh my apologies yeah of course yeah tie her up somewhere you can't tie toffee apple chew you

can't tie her down ain't nobody can hold her down i'm just picturing the duchess kind of like hanging off toffee apple chew trying to reach the doorbell. And like... Very strong legs. And then what she's going to do is she tries to go through the door, just like hunch, like lie on Toffee Apple Chew. Yeah, because presumably, I mean, she's way above the door. So as you open the door, you're just looking at the chest of Toffee Apple Chew.

The Duchess can probably see into the first floor. Also, it's not called a chest. What is it on a horse? I don't know. What is that bit of a horse? I don't know. The flank? No, that's the bum, isn't it?

Oh, God. What am I doing? Breast? The breast? Do you ever hear about horse breast, do you? Oh, for good reason. I bet Toffee Apple Chew's got a lovely breast. Paddy bowed as they clopped into the safe house.

No, they didn't and into the billiard room okay one thing right it's a safe house we've established it's supposed to be a little bit

under the radar we've already decided it's not but seeing a duchess who we presume is wearing a white suit clop on a horse

into a house that's going to draw a crowd with a door opened by a nude man yes exactly and isn't it central London I think it's Oxford Street clop on a horse into a house that's going to draw a crowd with a door opened by a nude man and isn't it central london i think it's oxford street yeah it's basically next to top man which by the way is right have you got any coconuts they're good for me i want to make like the

clip oh yeah sorry my coconuts are there i just want to make the clip clop of toppy apple chew okay i've got these so these these are perfect okay So Paddy bowed as they clopped into the safe house. Very good. If you want to create your own toffee apple chew, just a couple of wooden bowls from the home. I'm so glad I bothered to get up for that. Oh my gosh, actually, as you did the canter, very nice. Yeah, was she dancing?

A bit of dressage there. Toffee Apple Chew drank from a decanter of finest cider. She's such a pisshead. Why is Toffee Apple Chew Bella? I also feel like we're going to have lots of complaints from animal activists as well. You cannot keep a horse alive on cider. Toffee Apple Chew drank from a decanter of finest cider as the Duchess spoke to the dishevelled group.

I have had word from Agent Spooner that Belinda and Bella have been captured. Oh. Bish and Giselle have them, along with your brother Tony. No! Tony cried. So this is the first Tony's heard that his brother's in control. Wow.

You really embodied that surprise. Did I? Yeah. That was lovely. Fuck off. It was kind of raw. It was... Visceral?

It really was. It was vulnerable. I'm nearly crying. That was such a beautiful performance. I hope the Academy are listening because... Because, wow. The Oscars race has just blown wide open. Absolutely.

All right, you two. And if there is a best horse category... Can I just... She's not working. Top it up in juices and water. She's drunk. In the Aussie jail, we've left.

Oh, okay, fine. We've left the safe house. No, next. All right, drama, boo. In the Aussie jail, there was nothing left for Belinda, Bella and Spooner to do but bonk the bones off each other.

To be fair, yeah, if you've got nothing else to do, have a quick fumble. Bella provided the vagina. Oh, it's a kind of potluck. Yes. Bella provided the vagina. Belinda provided the boobs.

And Spoon provided the meat to complete the private part picnic. Should we have a picnic? Do you think of boobs as private parts? I suppose they are. Well, you wouldn't get them out in Waitrose, would you? No, true. I love that Waitrose is the barometer. There's a lot I wouldn't get out in Waitrose.

Jailman was providing audio commentary of the proceedings. Oh my God, how did I forget about Jailman? He's your favourite character. Favourite character. Like a director's commentary. Oh, it's not going to be, we're looking at the cell from afar, is it? On this day, it was really difficult, actually, because it was raining outside.

A lot of people were unionised, so what we were struggling with was daylight hours. So JL Mann was providing audio commentary of the proceedings as he used one of the cell bars and a big book of clink procedures to fuck his cock dry. What? Yes. He put his cock in a book and like wanked himself off? Well, he used one of the cell bars and a big book of clink procedures. What do you mean?

So I think he probably rested his cock between the bar and the book and fucked the two. That's mental. That is bonkers. Have you ever heard of wanking? Just put it in your hand. That's what they're there for. That's the only reason they're there, right? Put it in your hands.

Don't worry about a ring-bound folder or whatever he's using. The clink procedures. That is... Bonkers is such the right word. Have you done that? I mean, is that a thing that boys do? What, you get, like... What, two objects?

No, yeah. Surely not. There's, like, fleshlights and things, isn't there? You can put them in things like that, but, yeah... But that's just a recreation of a vagina. vagina sure it's about to sandwich them between two items what does a fleshlight look like like a vagina no it's kind of like a long thin tube it's like a torch shaped like a torch and it's got a vagina at the top of it yeah as in like does it have a cylinder and then you put your dick in jamie it's not it's not real vagina just so you know i'm

aware of that thank you but there's a bit to give that illusion kind of it's styled up vagina-esque I think you have to there's a bit of an imagination involved but yeah well it's a big tube

so yeah probably but is there like a if you like boys bits is there like a boy version well dildos no but is there like a bum version oh yeah is there like

an ass oh uh yeah probably should we have a look yeah please might have to go incognito mode for this, guys. I doubt that on your computer, James.

James, your computer is a den of iniquity. Your search gay fleshlight did not match any documents. Oh my God, I haven't seen that forever. What? This is so weird. Shall I try? It's been blocked in this house. Alice, have you got parental controls on?

Gay. Everything that's gay, it's not getting through. Oh, comes up for me Oh, how do I turn off safe search? I don't want that one There we go, that's what I meant Like a little puckered bum I love that guy's just carrying it under his arm

Like a clutch bag They describe it as a lumberjack male masturbator Oh, so you can choose what profession your bum has Oh, that's nice No, but you actually can because you can give your backside a backstory because this one's a lifeguard oh wow oh and this one's a painter decorator this one's between jobs this one's gone freelance and is finding it quite tough wow that's amazing i think it makes it all the more enjoyable

i don't like these ones that are just a bum and a penis oh is that a combo set oh my god save that picture for me i want to post that oh shit i don't know where i want to post it i just want to post it somewhere so that's like the bum that just turns into a massive cock that's very extraordinary what's that for one ones in one yeah you're using the fleshlight and then you're going into your partner's actual bum? With a dildo. Yeah, with a dildo part. Sorry, what?

Well, that's what I'm trying to work out how you'd use that. Isn't it just so you've got two options at different times? Honestly. Sorry. I don't think we can put that anywhere. Can that go on Instagram? It'll get taken down. Yeah, that's indecent.

That'll get a little covered for something. Can you pixelate it so people just get the idea? You can put it on Twitter, though. Porn's allowed on Twitter. Okay, fine. What's it called? It's called Fuck My Cock XL. Just search for Fuck My Cock XL and you can see what we're looking at.

It's made by Piped Dream Extreme. Well, sales are going to go through the roof now. I'll list that as a personal endorsement. Oh, that's it. It says, fuck my ass while you stroke my cock. Oh, lovely. So you go into it and then you feel the penis but why it would feel just like a silicon dildo that's weird i'm sorry guys i'm i'm not

suggesting it i'm just trying to ascertain how it works no pun on ascertain i thought you were the spokesman for fuck my cock sex hell oh god well that was a fun diversion so yeah so he's basically fucking his cock dry the jail man but he's also giving the audio commentary so

the stupid spy is starting off the foreplay by rubbing Sheila Senior's biggish nips Sheila Senior who's Sheila Senior

which one's more well she was providing the boobs Belinda so I guess it's why is she senior oh senior in oh right not in... She's more senior in Seals. Oh, right, not in age, of course, sorry. By rubbing Sheila Senior's biggish nips,

and they're growing by the second. Quite impressively, he's also nibbling Sheila Junior's lady salad. And boy, is she loving his tongue twitch. I love that we're getting the action through Rocky Flintstone, through the jail man. It's like a double filter of mad. It's just fucking a book and a bar. So he's saying it to get himself off while he has sex

with the terms and conditions section of the jail manual. Do you want to shut the fuck up? You're putting me off my leckin well to be fair to spooner i'm with him shouted back spoons as he guided his wood into bella's deforest deforestation forest i think deforestation that's just desolate that comment on the amazon rainforest climate change oh gosh is that a political that's a political comment. He then just says, do none of you grow your pubes anymore? So it's actually just a comment on bushes.

And actually a comment on, we presume, what Rocky thinks about the new trend for hair removal. Yeah, these young people. What's wrong with a big 70s bush? Do none of you grow your pubes anymore? Asked Spoons as Belinda squatted on his face to close his mouth with muff. Shh. It's gentrification gone mad, isn't it? All this hair removal.

She gyrated over him like a deity of sex while Spoon had churned Bella's butter with his hips and thrust. Her butter? What's her butter? You know what her butter is. What's her butter please? He's turning her cream to butter. Yeah. It's disgusting. Good lord. Thank god this is the end

of the book. And also, I kind of want to be vegan now. Upstairs, Bish, his goons, and his personal travelling nurse, Gunter. Oh! Hello Gunter! Gunter the nurse. I feel like there's going to nurse, Gunter. Oh! Hello, Gunter. Gunter the nurse.

I feel like there's going to be a Gunter, Gunt. Like there's going to be some, something's going to go on. So Bish, his goons, and his personal travelling nurse, Gunter, were in town. Where's she been? As he's been dying slowly. Oh, do we think it's a she? Gunter? Yeah, Gunter. gunter gunter in friends

oh actually yeah you're right oh i presumed it was a male nurse gunda oh gunda yeah gunda well say gunda then oh did i not say gunda you said gunda oh did oh sorry was that just your very authentic accent that was leading us astray gunda gunda gunda fine okay so upstairs bish his goons his personal traveling nurse, Gunda, were interrogating George's outfit. What, like fashion police? Yes. Those trousers with that charm?

Gross. You stole the euros. You killed the prof. You lost the triaxe, the brillo plan. Not at... Did you get a word of that? You Tri You stole Z euros Yes

You killed Z prof Yes You lost Z Trioxybrillo plans with a Z Yes And I thought you'd woofed your last woof. Added Gunda. Gunda, you're so great! I thought you'd woofed your last woof.

Yeah. And I thought you'd woofed your last woof. Bish looked embarrassed as George spoke a pathetic whimper. She... She... She... She knows the secrets, hair. I... Promise.

Who is she? Who is she? Who is she? Yeah, thanks. Blumenthal. She's in the clink below. Oh my god. Exactly. Grindvish. Exactly. Rind fish.

Before his face fell like a brown-rimmed lettuce leaf. Obsessed with lettuce and healthy eating, this chapter. So he's like... And his face fell. But one of you must die. Why? I guess it's a punishment. I don't know.

You're looking at me so inquisitively. I'm not sure why. Take the special one, Giselle. She's disposable. I'm the brains. She's just the pinky. Does pinky mean just the vagina? It's just the fleshlight.

Just the girl. Just the fleshlight. Oh, my God. She's just a fleshlight to me. What a solid duo. yeah thanks george i know what a dick if that was a test of solidarity you'd be like you failed yeah so take the special one giselle fine bish clicked but giselle was nowhere to be seen with eyes or smelt with noses. Giselle's no fool. She hasn't got this far to be killed by an old,

an old, stinky old bitch. A bag of old bones or whatever he described it as before. Curdled old eggs. Curdled old eggs, exactly. Dare I say it, and maybe this isn't the moment,

but could she be on the turn? Could she now be a double agent so she's disappeared because she's gonna go free the guys i know what we said before she can't turn back the hands of time she can't get them back on side because so much water's passed under the bridge but i mean the good thing is they're thick as shit so they'll probably forget but also rocky has quite a short memory for stuff in these books he doesn't hold a grudge people kind of forgive and forget so i'm just wondering. What, you think Giselle's going to, what, double or triple?

So I guess it would be triple, wouldn't it? She's going to have gone from steel side to Bish's side, back to steel side. So Giselle was nowhere to be seen with eyes or smelt with noses. Giselle slipped down stair upon stair upon stair. She went down the stairs. Cool. But she slipped. She fell down the stairs.

She's fallen down the stairs. I don't think she's there. I think she's slipping like a little speck. Giselle slipped down stair upon stair upon stair from the word war above deck. Oh, them having a little to do. So she must have been in the room and just literally just walked out the door

and no one noticed. Where is this elf? She left. Did you not see? She opened the door and left. She said goodbye, I mean. Did Gunda not see her? Jailman, leave these bitches and their boy to me.

She barked, sleek in mink. I'm just saying, why is she going down there? But I've been told not to leave their side, oh special one. In fact, this reminds me of a little saga involving a used car salesman and a recycling plant. I love

Jailman. Oh, regale me with tails, Jailman. You see, no one... But the Jailman couldn't finish his story. Oh, thank God for that. Why did he come in the folder? Because Giselle had kneed him in the ghoulies and pushed him to the ground. How? Is it a book in between the bars of the cell?

Also, ghoulies. Great shout out. We haven't had ghoulies before. Fuck off, she spat as he shuffled to the en suite kitchenette to make a tub of spiced water noodles. Who did? Jailman. Actually there are some quite good varieties of instant noodles so they're not to be sniffed at. As a quick lunch or a snack I

really wouldn't poo poo them. I know but you know how he changes names to stop saying brand names. He's come with a really unappetising one there. Spiced water noodles. Mmm. Save me a bit. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your

back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance.

Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit Zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance, mind your business. Belinda, Bella, and Spooner looked petrified as Giselle approached their cell. But to their utter surprise... Not mine! Not mine! She began unlocking the clink cage.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. You must escape now. Oh my god! Bish and his goons, not to mention Evil George, will be down soon. Evil George! There is no time. But you're an evil bitch! Explained Belinda.

Let's not get into a slangy match now. Exactly. Get the fuck out of the cell. But you're an evil bitch, exclaimed Belinda. Guilty as charged. Now off you pop. Thank you. It'd be nice.

I have been. It's true those words of yours. But I was only doing it to save my poor mother. Oh, for fuck's sake. Come on. This is shoehorned in. You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say. Which I can barely spell or write down here.

And also, I'm rocky, so I kind of don't want to be too specific in case I get in trouble. She's got an illness that I don't have time to Google. You see, she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say oh god it is hard to say oh oh my god conchococatritis detritus oh i've had that dessert. It's delicious. It's a bit like a tiramisu. Yeah, it's Italian. Spell it, please. So, C-O-N... Sorry, why is it basically her surname?

C-H-A-K-K-U-T... No, it's not. R-I-T-U-S hyphen D-E-T-R-I-T-U-S. You just said all of the letters in all of the orders. What? You're not going to believe this. What? Your search does not match anything.

Obviously, because that's ludicrous. So she's right. It's hard to say. So Conchacarritis Detritus. Detiritus. So Conchacatritus. Chacodemus implies Detritus. Conchacatritis Detiritus.

Conchacatritis Detiritus. God, it sounds lovely. Conchacatitis Detiritus. Conchacatitis Detiritus. All together now. Conchacatitis Detiritus. So Mrs. Marschalka Verde-Klart says Conchacatitis Detiritus. Conchicotitis detaritis. All together now. Conchicotitis detaritis. So Mrs. Marschalka-Verdeklotz has conchicotitis detaritis. Bloody hell.

I mean, that'd kill you saying that, wouldn't it? Sorry, sorry. It's no laughing matter, Jamie. I'm so sorry. No, it isn't actually. It's really serious. So you see she has a weird illness that's ill-defined and hard to say. It's fatal without millions of pounds worth of experimental treatment. Oh gosh,

now I feel terrible. Bella and Belinda's red hearts pumped harder than before. That's called sympathy. Their glee team member wasn't all bad after all. Jesus, this is going to be so saccharine and disgusting at the end, isn't it? Also, she's

killed people. Bad stuff has happened because granted her mum has choncatoritis detritus but the thing is other innocent people have been injured and worse

in the process of trying to raise the money for her very experimental surgery. Why is this turning into a comic relief BT?

What's wrong with the Just Giving page? Seriously! As they walked out of the cell Belinda spoke 17 letters. Contracaritis.

Giselle, come with us. I can't. I've done too much wrong. I betrayed you all. I killed Slince and I broke my wedding vows. Wait, do they know that Slince is dead? That's going to be a revelation, isn't it? Yeah. What? Yeah. Oh, no, don't Slince is dead? That's going to be a revelation, isn't it? Yeah, what?

Yeah, oh no, don't come with us. See ya. In the cliques. How? Asked Bella. I suffocated Slince with my perfect lids. You didn't, Giselle. Oh, shut up.

Is he going to unzip? Is he going to unzip? Is he going to unzip? Is he going to unzip? Is he going to unzip? Spooner's voice rained through the bars. Oh my God. Really?

Is it true that Slintz suffered from a lot of allergies? Was he allergic to pussy juice? Asked Giselle. I am. No, he took a cyanide pill. No, he took a cyanide pill. No, I heard you. Yeah, the question remains.

What? It was a readout on one of our monitors. If anything, Giselle, you made his last moments on Earth the best his virgin ass could have asked for. Okay, so much to pick apart there. I feel so sad for Slince, because he was a 70-year-old virgin. And he died never knowing. Well, he did know it, because he died doing 70 year old virgin and he died never knowing

well he did know it because he died doing it never knowing the joy of sex though because for him it was fatal so so Giselle's in the clear

because he was going to die anyway because of all of these bizarre caveats he's head and suddenly have come out of fucking nowhere because apparently

he took a cyanide pill convenient her mum's got March-Archival-Dekwatsitis and apparently in fact she's just an incredibly altruistic person

wait a sec sorry so why and when did he take the cyanide pill I guess when he was in captivity captivity he's not panda

oh right as a kind of fail safe if anybody gets hold of him I mean I guess that's harsh are you saying you don't have a cyanide pill

with you at all times in case you get captured and take it to East Berlin? We've always said if anybody captures Jamie and wants to know what happens at the end of the series,

he has to kill himself. I had my cyanide pill ready. You've got to take the cyanide pill. So, if anything, Giselle, you made his last moments on Earth the best his virgin ass

could have asked for. Oh, Giselle breathed. But just then, a scary sound rang out. You treacherous, not so special one! Oh, what a beautiful twist on the special one.

Screamed Hare Wolfgang Bish from the top of the stairs to the clink. Oh, he can't take stairs. Giselle whipped her hair back, a few tufts floating off in the wind resistance. Oh yeah, she's got that condition. Well, she's got an even worse condition than her mum.

Bisch jumped from the ropes... Ropes? Bisch jumped from the ropes... What is it, a gymnasium? He built a wrestling ring. Bisch jumped from the ropes. What is it, a gymnasium? They built a wrestling ring. Bish jumped from the ropes, a long dagger between his yellow to ochre to brown to black teeth. Where's the dagger? In his mouth.

What is happening? This man can't walk. Never mind jump from some ropes with a dagger in his mouth. A fart nearly killed him earlier. Unless, of course, Gunda's given him a big hit of something. Yeah. You're as bad as a Steven Seagal film, hairbish. Now that's harsh on Steven.

He was very bankable in his day. Well, he made a fortune. It's a billionaire. And I hated giving you head, Giselle shouted. I'd forgotten that yeah do you remember it wasn't a head was it she like licked a bit of cum off his old todger

I guess you get what you can get don't you she hated it and I hated giving you head oh my god it's got so red he cackled his ugly as his face laugh. That was just Jamie. That wasn't in the book. It's die time, frallines and frow.

Die time. I think we all need to work on our smack talk. It's die time. Not so special one. And Bish and his goons started fighting the Glee team, but they gave what's for. I imagine they... Do you remember Batman back in the day, like the 60s version?

Yeah. Shablam! As Belinda was wrestling goon number four, tall and quite attractive, actually, Bish... Have we heard from four? Four's one of the... No, four's me.

New character, four. As he catches four. As Belinda was wrestling goo number four, tall and quite handsome actually, Bish was creeping up behind her dagger, drawn. Come on, guys. No, no. It's fine. It's Bish. You sound like Bish.

That's literally his death rattle. From her side eye, Bella saw the little rat man and ran her jugs bounced up and down in slow motion as she made her way across the clink baywatch yeah the clink's getting bigger and bigger isn't it before it was really quite petite before the bad man could hurt belinda bella smashed into Bish, taking him clean out. Yes, Bella! Yes, Bella! The bodyguard!

She was the bodyguard in Australia. That's what she's there for. Go on, Kevin Costner. He flew across the room, landing in the lap of the slurping jail man. He's enjoying his water noodles. Yes, nothing is coming in the way of his pot noodle. The major incident is going to be a light burn from the pot noodle.

Thanks, Bella. You saved my life. She did. Shouted Belinda as she jaw-kicked the goon into last week. When did everybody get so good at martial arts? I know. Hi-ya!

I'll never not have my eye on your backside Belinda We're the fucking Glee team Now that's a line Bella That's a good line That's the strap line isn't it Of the Glee team movie I'll never not have my eye on your backside The Glee team

Then they high fived And of course it's a double negative Very rocky I'll never not never be not having my eye never on your backside. And they both looked at the goon-punching Giselle, and the three smiled at the three. This is so ridiculously tied up with a bow, it makes me want to cry. The fight between George and Spooner was really not nice.

No matter how much George tries to slash at Her Majesty's favourite, Spoons used his MI5-trained capoeira to kick him down. Interesting use of tense there. So we were suddenly like present tense with tries. Yes. And then back to normal again. I mean, great. I mean, just keeping us on our toes.

Capoeira as well. What a beautiful hypnotic movement thing. I'd love to see that. It's Brazilian, isn't it? Oh, well, that'll be why, of course. Dad's probably done it. Probably done it. Probably thought he was doing it.

Oh, it's very authentic Capoeira, actually. It is Brazilian and he knows it. But spoons, he was flagging. You're a second-rate spy, spooner. You're the laughing stock of the intelligence services and I fucked your secretary behind the bins oh

now that's just dirty play isn't it yeah I thought we were doing some nice capoeira I thought we were being gentlemen about this fight

not Peggy Loveleaf not my Peg not Peggy Loveleaf don't drag Peggy into this and also Peggy Loveleaf isn't shagging by the bins she's a classy lady I don't know who the fuck Peggy Loveleaf don't drag Peggy into this and also Peggy Loveleaf isn't shagging by the bins

she's a classy lady I don't know who the fuck Peggy Loveleaf is yeah Peggy Loveleaf dry old bird isn't she okay okay okay

so A rude but B he's supposedly a well-oiled spy machine right so he's had training to withstand interrogation

to be effective in so many different scenarios a bit of like talk about his secretary isn't going to throw him off the case is it bawling his eyes yeah he's not a delicate flower dry old bird isn't she how dare you spoons yelled as he lunged to punch george but george was quicker than most with a rotten leg. Rotten. Yeah, he's like... He's been war-wounded, this man. He'd pulled out a smallish dagger and...

Why is everyone fighting with daggers? What shop are they getting these daggers from? Bella's got a butter knife. What's everyone doing? He'd pulled out a smallish dagger and killed him there and then oh my god women screamed oh my god

as Spooner fell to the ground dead as the lost kings of England oh my god really dead yeah dead dead as the dodo

Spooner's gone yeah he's over Spooner Jamie's over he's over Spooner's cancelled to be fair no

to be fair what? He was shit, wasn't he? I'm not going to miss him. That's all I'm saying. Really? In the line of duty. Do you think he'll get a kind of, you know, a national funeral? Yeah, maybe that's where his night is going to come. Yeah.

He's earned it now. Sir James Spooner. Yeah. Not over my dead body. Not over his dead body, apparently. Dave's so cold. I'm over it. Move on.

What's next? So Spooner fell to the ground dead as the lost kings of England. Bish started cackling like a possessed demon at the death. But suddenly

the clink was filled with cocks. Oh. Oh. C-O-C-K-A. The cocks. C-O-C-K-A. Stop the opportune for the rest of you!

I mean, I would say a little bit late, because Spoons is dead, but... Yeah, don't worry, Owen. Sorry, we got a bit held up. The RSMs took the lead as they fought and captured goon after goon.

A helium balloon rose from below ground With a little basket full of Bavarian treats And steins of beer In jumped Bish In jumped George What? They hid a hot air balloon under the clink

I don't understand An escape hot air balloon The slowest way to escape from anything. Fucking hot air balloon. But they've had so much of a head start that they've had time to pack Bavarian cheeses and hams and breads. For the journey.

No, I understand why. I just don't understand why they've had so long to prepare. Same place they got the daggers. A one-stop shop. So a helium balloon rose from the low ground. It's not a helium balloon. It's a hot air balloon. It's a blimp, is it?

Yeah, I guess. It's not one helium balloon. With a little basket full of Bavarian treats and steins of beer. Oh, yum, yum, yum. In jumped Bish. He didn't jump. This man is just, he's honestly a sack of shit. Like, he didn't jump.

Injumped Bish. Injumped George. And just as they were taking off, they grabbed Belinda and hoisted her inside. No. Do you understand? What? They've kidnapped Belinda.

So they must have dragged her out of the room where the clink is. They didn't just grab her, what, through the window? Sorry, Bish did that. He can't even lift his own hand. What do you mean by you're just accepting it? What's the geography of this?

As they flew into the orange sky, Belinda looked down at her crying friends. As Bish scrappled for purchase. Oh, he didn't scrapple, did he? Scrapple? Lord above, don't scrapple. As Bish scrappled for purchase, his lederhosen had ridden up his scrawny grey bum. He's wearing lederhosen. Da fuck. Guys. What? Belinda gasped.

On his rotten little leg. Wait, who's got the rotten leg? They've all got rotten legs. They've all got a rotten leg, haven't they? On his rotten little leg. Why's everyone got gangrene? Sat a tattoo of three bees intertwined in fancy writing. Belinda pulled up her own sundress

and revealed the exact same crest on her upper thigh. Bish, Belinda, and who's the third bee? Yes, family. Hairbish hissed as they flew far from anywhere. Belinda blinked. What? And that is the end of Belinda Blinked. What? What? And that is the end of Belinda Blinked 5. Fucking hell.

You could have put that in the rest of the book. We've never heard about a tattoo before now. I'm exhausted. Like 13 chapters for one eventful chapter. I know her arse better than mine and I've never seen a tattoo before. Fuck, so they're somehow, yes, family, they're somehow related. Do we know Bish is, oh, Bish is the surname.

Yes, he's Wolfgang Bish, isn't he? So it's Bish. Blumenthor. Blumenthor, and there's another B somewhere. Oh, well, that's Think. Yeah, could be Bilt from HR. How do you know Michael Dershowitz? Has he got a silent B at the beginning?

Bella, but that's her first name. Ridley, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, shit. What's Dirk's clots? Has it got a silent B at the beginning? Bella, but that's her first name. Ridley, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, shit. What's Hazel's last name? Lufthansa? I don't know. Any of the RSMs? Klaus Bloch.

Oh, the Bloch. Oh, the Bloch. I can't really remember what his deal is. What's the Duchess called? Gertrude. Gertrude of Epsom. Oh my God,

this is mad. So the suggestion being, obviously, that she's somehow choreographed this from the very beginning. No, no, that she has a connection to Bish that she's never known about. Oh, because she's shocked for him to reveal. Yeah, she's gasping. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Okay. But when did she get the tattoo? When she got the tattoo, was she not like, this is weird. She's got the urge to get three B's Well no I think that's kind of like maybe From birth

Yeah What a birth branding A coat of arms Who's tattooing a baby? And also has she never questioned it? Yeah Oh bloody hell

I guess birthmark Wow Okay so Giselle went good again. Yeah. Spoon is dead. Yeah.

Belinda's in a hot air balloon with that tattoo and with Bish. A family member. And you can wank using a folder and a pole. Yeah. I just have one question. Did the jail man finish his pot noodle? I'm keeping everything crossed. If that's not a cliffhanger for book six, I don't know what is.

I have a question as well. Does anyone care about the Trioxley brillo range anymore brillo range that could be the last b wow rocky yeah wow i mean so many watts so many watts but that was that was that was brilliant that was one of the best chapters we've ever had is it fair to say i can't breathe i feel winded yeah life can't really be the same again well there you go end of book five wow crazy but you know there's gonna be a christmas episode so there is yeah jim you stood an announcement do it a bit more gustav okay there will be a christmas belinda blink chapter yeah that's gonna be fun yeah it'll be out on monday the 16th of december Oh yeah, and those always come from God knows where and when.

So that'll be a nice possible flashback, flash forward. Yeah, Belinda's 60 years old with her own grandkids. Yeah, don't expect any questions to be answered in that, but it will be jolly festive fun as usual. Yes. What a book it's been. Yeah, it's been really fun, hasn't it? I've enjoyed this one.

And we've had a really fun time with the footnotes. So nice to talk to some listeners this time yeah yeah we've got to do that again definitely thank you to our footnotes guests as well

Lin-Manuel Miranda Josh Groban Dan Levy and your sister Alexa lovely Alexa and thank you guys for listening like we really really do appreciate that you come on this batshit

crazy journey with us every year and I hope you've had as much fun as we have yeah it's just nice to know we're not on our own and we get all that fan art and lovely theories, aggressive corrections. You know, we welcome it all.

We read it all. We ignore most of it. Thank you so much. You will have so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, all of them negative, I'm sure. So if you want to sum up your thoughts on book five, mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. And we're on all the socials as usual,

Instagram at mydadwroteur. Twitter at dadwroteaporno. on all the socials as usual Instagram at mydadwroteur Twitter at dadwroteaporno and we're on Facebook too and see you on the road well you'll see us we'll be just in a hot air balloon kind of bobbing about

all the countries my standout moment though I mean it's obvious from this chapter surely what? I mean Toffee Apple Chew trotting into that house I mean I won't forget that

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