My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E4 - 'Showering Ideas;;'

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Belinda undertakes vital espionage training to prepare her for infiltrating Herr Bisch's operation... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello everybody, it's my dad wrote a porno, Porno Day is upon us once more. I've got Alice, I've got James. How are you both? In fine fettle. Very good. Alice, how are you? Yes. Are you on some sort of sponsored silence? You wish, no.

That would be great, wouldn't it? How much would you pay? I do like a rolling thing. The longer you shut up, the more I pay you. Anyone looked on Twitter recently? What at? Rocky's been recruiting listeners to help him translate the books into Spanish I did see that that is a business language guys have you seen what some people have said no my god I mean the Twitter community have always been very helpful to Rocky they have um and someone's been very helpful by saying um you'd need to convert it into English first see that's what I

mean shade shade coming from every angle shade from leanne um and then someone actually started for him um they said hola mio fromo liverpool and have been oh to ben adorno mucho times so can speak oh fluento spanish when do i start oh so i don't think they're taking it that seriously he might have fallen for that and hired that person do you speak any other languages? Just a little bit of French. Do you? Un petit peu de français? Not enough to get by.

Do you speak any other languages, Jeremy? No, but I'm the sort of person that has a good crack when I'm away. I bet you do. Bonjour, ça va bien, bien. Yeah. I bet Rocky has the confidence when he's abroad as well. Dad is great. Dad can communicate with anyone.

And I mean anyone. Dogs, parrots, you name it. He isn't so big on language, so to speak, but body language and kind of gesturing. Oh, yeah. He just oozes bonhomie. Which is why novels were an unusual medium. Yeah, they were.

Maybe interpretive dance would have been a better route for his creative juices. Oh, I've seen a move and boy oh boy those hips don't lie um but yeah just going back to the spanish what why do you think he's doing that i think it's because he's in spain now so maybe he's maybe told someone in a bar about it and he's like it has been no english so be like oh don't worry i'll get a translator tonight also it's not a business decision it's like one person wants to read oh yeah sure i don't think he's thinking it like long term rocky works in units of one person we know that the book was sent to me i read it to everybody else well as the spanish say ole does that mean

like move on no uh vamos vamos vamos jimmy where did we get i've totally forgotten where we got to we're in the safe house weren't we? Yeah Tony and Maeve are officially a thing With the hump and skunk The hump and skunk Sweeping the nation Sweeping the world What's hump and skunk in Spanish? Shall I have a look on Google Translate?

Yeah go on Hump and skunk Joroba y mofeta Joroba y mofeta. Joroba y mofeta. It doesn't have the same ring to it, but I like it. It's romantic. It doesn't sound like you're rimming someone, which is nice. Spanish will do that.

It will put the romance where the rimming was. So there you go. That's a little bit done for Rocky already. There you go. Can you imagine if people have never learned Spanish before? They don't have GCSE or they don't have conversational spanish that's all they're going to go on holiday with alice for some holidays that's all you need wonderful okay who's ready for this chapter then me oh that was good which bit was me i was in tune tune what there was no

tune there what do you mean it was just a noise, wasn't it? So, oh, I'll tell you what. In a break from tradition, tell us what the chapter's called. This chapter is called Showering Ideas, double semicolon. The first thing I think in pornography when you say shower is a shower of a particular colour. No, no, no. A golden shower.

After last chapter, that would be a lot. That would be too much i hope that's not gonna happen we've not actually had shower sex have we not i don't think so that's an obvious we've had the hosing down i mean it's overdue she must stink i'm not even giving the double punctuation the attention that it's craving. No, and one of them's in red. We're whistling you. It's not even a mistake. He went back and deliberately changed the colour. I don't think he will have known how he did that. Yeah.

Okay. Belinda Blinked 5. Chapter 4. Showering Ideas. Belinda Blumenthal had once more found herself dug in to Agent Spoon's central-ish London bachelor pad. All chrome and croissants That's bachelors for you What, his house is made of croissants? Where there's not chrome

There's buttery pastry All chrome and croissants It was a great place to wake up to in the day In the middle of the Well, it could have been like two in the afternoon That's quite nice though. He puts on a spread for his one-night stands. Spoons himself

had come up with an idea when they were both showering. It was possibly the sight of Belinda's naked torso soaked in shampoo and running water and ultimately her breasts pushing against the steamed-up glass shower enclosure,

he had once again satisfied her rampant desire to totally fuck him. What? A few things there. That is a trad porn trope, isn't it? Juicy breasts against a glass shower enclosure. Could you read that again? Sorry, I got a bit lost. Okay, it's actually very difficult, this one. It was possibly the sight of Belinda's naked torso soaked in shampoo and running water

and ultimately her breasts pushing against the steamed up glass shower enclosure as he once again satisfied her rampant desire to totally fuck him so he shagged her in the shower is that a really long winded way of saying that and he's been inspired he's come up with an idea while he was shagging idea and it was probably that that made him come up with the idea that's what he's thinking the breasts the juicy breasts

as Alice says but he fucked her in the shower or it made him want to fuck her no the fucking in the shower made him come up

with the idea yeah and actually she fucked him so do you want to get it right yeah that agency I don't like by the way Spoons had loved

building the shower and he was glad it was getting some use Spoons built the shower he whittled the glass. He blew it. He stuck together the croissants himself. Very absorbent.

Balendor, you know you once mentioned how you would possibly like to attend espionage school. Not a thing. When this was all over. No. Well, I'd like to propose a little taster. One which doesn't involve too much death, but would convince you, or otherwise, if this sort of business would be your cup of Ovaltine.

I feel like Ovaltine's got another shout-out elsewhere. A Horlicks, was it, before? Does your dad love a warm, frothy drink in the evening? He loves a milky drink. A milky beverage at night. A warm milky drink is a friend of Rocky. But he's not brand loyal. He will drink them all.

Horlicks, Ovaltine. A hot choc. Little options will he go for? I imagine they've all got a good douse of whiskey in. Oh, you know. A little dram here and there. A little Irish Ovaltine. Everything's Irish.

Irish water He always goes Whenever we're up for dinner He'll always be like At the end he'll be like And I'll have one Irish coffee please And if you don't do it Just bring me some filtered coffee

And a shot of whiskey With some cream on the side Not an Irish coffee They just start making His own Irish coffee With some hideous Nescafe I had a question about What you just read

This is news to us, isn't it? That she wants to go and train to be a spy? Espionage school. I mean, yeah. I can't remember ever mentioning that. Also has shown very little aptitude for it, if you ask me. Yeah, she's not the best material for a spy,

I don't think. She's not very subtle. And she's not that smart. Dare I say. She's got a good mind, though. She'd keep a lot of things in her head a lot of things would be secret because of mine's good at compartmentalizing because everything's so detached yeah and seducing people in like a bond way he should be good at that that's true well

that's obviously how rocky thinks of spy school james belinda breathed sexily enough i thought you'd never ask when do I start my handgun training? Oh, sure, yeah, that's lesson one. Whoa, not so fast, James replied laughing. Whoa, not so fast, said Father Christmas. What I propose is that you travel with me to East Berlin next Tuesday. My backup team in the Shard have managed to set up a business meeting with Besh. I'll meet Besh under one of my undercovers.

And as my PA, you'll get to know Besh as personal assistant, Petra. Oh, so Belinda's going to come face to face with Bish. That is exciting. But his team are based in the Shard. And you sound so excited by it. I'm just so confused by all of the logistics. Surely Bish would know who Belinda was. Well, would he though?

She's quite new to the company. But you'd think somebody, if she's so high up at Steeles, somebody would know who she was. Yeah, and he's getting all the intel from Giselle oh shit yeah and Giselle knows her intimately if you know what I mean and is James saying that he's going to be undercover because I cannot wait to hear

what this outfit is if so it's going to be a really naff moustache isn't it it's going to be a trilby he'll be on Belinda's shoulders with a really long mack he'll have one of those pair of glasses with the fake nose

and the fake moustache the whole thing what I'm most looking forward to though is Jamie putting on a different accent over the Scottish accent to hide the Scottish accent oh my god

I never even thought of doing that what a fantastic plan so Belinda trumpeted in jollies this was a plan she could excel at spooner smiled and rang his shard team requesting flight tickets and an immediate deep cover identity for belinda, his PA is what he's already established. Great. How did they ever come up with that?

So deep, in fact, that she would be able to use it as many times over. What? What does that mean? Does that mean no backstory? What's your name? Nothing.

So deep, in fact that you'd be able to use it as many times over does he think that if your cover's not blown you get to recycle it that it's not bespoke to every mission what am i today your pa to james spooner what but that's what i was in the last one off you pop that's of no help whatsoever to this particular mission that's all we've got sorry but before we embark on this mission you must have your espionage training for those not in the know about espionage training you go on a one-day course and then you're ready for the deepest deepest yeah it's on a one-day course and then you're ready for the deepest deepest yeah it's like a health and safety thing at work you get a certificate at the end of the day and then you're done do whatever you want watch a few youtube

videos i imagine it'll basically be about voices hairstyles and um dodging questions and then sorted really on you so before we embark on your mission you must have your espionage training. Spooner barked sharply. Oh. But before we embark on your mission you must have your espionage training. Alright. Yes Agent Spooner sir. I understand. Sir. Since when

is he in the army? She's very obedient when it comes to the hierarchy. Belinda smiled deep within. Blank face up front. Steeles would always be her husband, but as boyfriends go, MI5 wasn't bad. Well, hang on, she's going to be MI5

after this day training for espionage. Yeah, exactly. I don't think it's a referral system where just because James Sp spooner thinks she's quite good that she gets to become an mi5 spy that takes years and also she's gonna be shit steels would always be a husband but as boyfriends go mi5 wasn't bad after all she reasoned with her head some girls sing in the choir. Others bake bread. Me.

I train to be a spy for Her Majesty's Government. That's us girls. They're the three categories. Choir, baking or spy. Which one am I actually? I have been in a choir. Oh yeah, you have. And I can't really bake. I'm a good cook but I can't really bake.

And I'm not a spy so I'm the choir one. You're the choir one. You're the choir one. You're a choir girl. Some girls sing in the choir. Others bake bread. Me? I trained to be a spy. That's what they do when you're a kid.

They sit you down as a young girl and they go, you've got to make some big decisions, okay? Business concluded. Spooner rolled up his sleeves and rolled down his foreskin. Oh! Rolled down his foreskin? Rolled, like...

How big is it? Rolled it back to base, as it were. What? Like a banana, just peeling himself. No, because if you roll it back, you're unsheathing the...

Yeah. ...the head. So he's rolling it down to cover up the... No, I think he's saying down. Down. Oh, you think covering back up. He's rolling it away. Yeah, covering it up.

So he rolled up his sleeves and rolled down his foreskin. He was shag-a-tag ready and tracked his tongue over Belinda's breasts and down to her vagina. What's shag-a-tag ready? Shag-a-tag ready. Never heard it. Is that a thing? Me neither. to her vagina.

What's shag-a-tag ready? Shag-a-tag ready? Never heard it. Is that a thing? Me neither. What better way to kill a few hours before they flew into the bish-occupied

landmass of Austin, Deutschland? Belinda lay back and waited for the inevitable advance on her clitoris, wondering idly

what Petra would look like. Blonde? Brunette? Or even, God forbid, grey. Oh, all right, ageist. Some of us have been grey since we were young, thank you very much. Yeah, you're not a real ginger, are you? Yeah, all right, thank you. Are you just totally grey underneath there?

Underneath? It's not a wig. I've seen what's underneath. Well, no, we all have, because she isn't that consistent with her hair dyeing. Thanks. You'd be full grey. I wouldn't. It's not at the back. At the back?

Stuff like a rat's tail that was lovely brown. No, you know how old ladies often have like, it's dark on the crown. Right. That's kind of the vibe. Okay. But maybe I should do it because a young person with grey hair, quite cool. Not that I'm young anymore, so maybe I've missed the boat. Yeah.

You're going a bit grey. Yeah, I am. A bit salt and pepper on the side. I don't mind though. I i'll be quite happy do you think it's accelerated since we started doing this well jamie's remained remarkably uh yeah i have no gray but i'm quite a lot younger than you both well absolutely than james yeah what you're like jamie a different generation do you really what are you we're millennials what are you i'm a millennial what are you millennial you must be only just you bastards how old are you shut it you shut it witch how old are you uh i'm 32 sir 32 so we're two years apart well you've just had a signature birthday 35 what we can edit that out um alice how are you? a lady never tells yeah no

okay fine but we're one year apart what's your stage age? you're 35 I'm 33 stage age cheeky bastard do you want me to say your age?

I've just said 33 oh there we go there we go and the rest dear so anyway she's wondering what Petra would look like blonde, brunette

or even god forbid grey Belinda and Spooner stood outside Rad's She's wondering what Petra would look like, blonde, brunette, or even, God forbid, grey. Belinda and Spooner stood outside Rad's, the Royal Academy of Drama and Stuff. Shut up. So Rad-er, but didn't use it for legal reasons, just drama and stuff. It doesn't get the best acting talent, but that's the point, Spooner pointed out. No spy-to-be wants to be exposed by clever chameleons like Dame Helen or Stanley Tucci. Sorry, what?

What are you on about? Don't look at me like this. I'm just reading the book. Okay, so we're going to the drama school where they train up spies. But it's a shit drama school. So that you don't get called out by... By Dame Helen Mirren. Well, I guess Stanley Tucci would go, I see straight through you, you spy.

No one wants a spy to suddenly be good at acting and then get a job and then become an actor, I guess. What are you on about? I don't know. What is this? It's rads. It's not rads. It's very much less than rads.

Okay, keep going. But why not keep the undercover training in-house? Spooner shrugged. Buggery budget cuts, Belinda. Belinda nodded like a sage. She knew this world all too well. What? Okay, so he's saying that

they send the spies to become better spies by being better actors which I guess is true you have to be able to like play the part but they send them to

a genuine drama school where other people are studying drama but they don't send them to the best one out there because the really good actors would see straight through them like Stanley Tucci

and Dame Helen Mirren and they'd be like wait a sec you're not an actor you're a spy so they send them to this shit cheat one and she's gonna go there we presume for what a day course an afternoon she's gonna come out like high kicking but why does Belinda know this world has she got a theatrical background oh no I think that's to do with the the um budget cuts oh she knows about budget cuts, sure. I was so excited for a young Belinda making it in the audition room.

She knew this world all too well. Only a month before the explosion, Tony had slashed her operating budget to 30% of increased turnover times the fall in profit projections of 2023. There's the business. All versus the Russian account's gains. Increased turnover times the fall in profit projections of 2023. There's the business. All versus the Russian accounts gains. Absolute nightmare.

Total nightmare. Now, you have the best acting mistress in the biz. Not what they're called. But please, dear God, be careful. She's from Liverpool. Cannot wait for this voice. Accent, accent, Jim is gonna do an accent. She's from Liverpool. Well, that's why you should be careful.

Rude. Belinda gulped. She'd heard of the place, truer than the sun. Heard of the place? Of course she's heard of the place. Heard of rads? No, Liverpool. Oh. Liverpool. Liverpool. It Liverpool. Oh. Liverpool. I've heard of it. It rings a bell.

Liverpool. She's 29 years old. She'd heard of the place, truer than the sun. But she'd never dared visit. Dared? What is this? What is this prejudice?

Liverpool's lovely. I've been to Liverpool. Yeah. The people are lovely. She could do with a little course at LIPA. LIPA? Liverpool Institute of Performing Arts. Oh, there we go.

And stuff. And stuff. Lips. She'd heard of the place, truer than the sun, but she'd never dared visit. Manchester, yes, she wasn't a sewer rat. But Liverpool, she shuddered as she grabbed the great knob of dionysus what also she's not a sewer rat so she went to manchester like what's the implication that well you've got to bear in mind we lived in manchester for a long time liverpool and manchester a rivalry friendly

but quite you know it's a thing well that's very much coming across sorry just as we left that sentence she was grabbing the dick of a statue, I believe? Dionysus, the Greek god of wine? And I guess performing arts. Don't look at me. I went to a normal school. We all went to a normal school. She shuddered as she grabbed the great knob of Dionysus.

Before twisting it good and proper, she turned to Spooner. Spoons? I like the personal touch what's her name wait for the name ah that's codeword good luck what codeword mistress codeword what do you mean what is the codeword codeword means it's like secret oh it's like codeword clearance but surely she's gonna have to call her something so i don't need to know her real name but i need to know what i'm gonna call her in the class you don't have to tell me anything about her but she's gonna have to call her something so i don't need to know her real name but i need to know what i'm going to call her in the class you don't have to tell me anything about

her but you're gonna have to tell me what i'm gonna address her as it's code word okay it's good i love that jamie just told us what code word meant code word means it's secret yes thank you you're right code word huffing but fair, Belinda opened the door. to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing.

If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. The room wasn't grand at all. It was just a room. Hello, pet. You alright?

Oh, my God. Sweet, holy mother of God. That's very good. Also, did you see the glee he delivered that with? The hesitation before he let out that first beat. Hello, pet. You all right? You all right, more like.

Don't stand on ceremony. I'm Jeremiah St. Frost First. Jeremiah St. Frost First. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. St. Frost First. G-E-R-R-A-M-I-A A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-R-A

Is this about a warmer? How now brown cow? Say after me Jeremiah G-E-R-R-A-M-I-M-A Geramima yeah I'm Garamima, yeah. I'm Garamima.

Should we say Gara or Jara? What are we going to do? Let's say what we feel in the moment. I'm quite keen on Gara. Gara, okay. Should we make it Garamima? Okay. I'm Garamima St. Floss first.

Jamie, we can't make it anything it's not. We just read what's on the page. The legend of subtle acting crossed the room and planted not two, not three, but eight air kisses in the vague vicinity of Belinda's left and right face cheeks. Eight. That's what the good actors

do. So that's like That feels very long a chorus dancer in her youth oh great this is what this is garamima garamima a chorus dancer in her youth garamima had opened up her acting school for young delinquents in the early 1990s. Delinquents! That's such an old name. Like Bugsy Malone.

That's such a parent-era word. Black Wednesday had hit her troop of players hard, so she had little choice but to share her worldly talents to the innocent children

of the future. I mean, dare I ask what Black Wednesday is? That was in the 90s, wasn't it? What is it? It was like a stock market crash. Wasn't it? Google it.

Just double check. I think. Under John Major. 16th of September, 1992. Oh, it's the anniversary. Pretty much. When a collapse in the pound sterling forced Britain to withdraw from the European exchange rate mechanism.

Oh, very timely. That is quite timely. I think it was a bad day for Britain. Bad day. And that really impacted the chorus girls and drama schools of the world. He says Black Wednesday had hit her troop of players hard. So she had little choice but to share her worldly talents to the innocent children of the future. Then spies.

It's the natural progression from juvenile delinquency. Young delinquents to spies. It kind of is, actually. I'm really not sure it is. Don't just skim over that. I cannot wait to hear some of her pearls of wisdom. I wouldn't hold your breath, huh? Well, I've never trained in the dramatic arts.

James, you have, I imagine. When I was a kid i did do free saturday morning drama near my house actually i did something similar like just in the methodist church i mean it wasn't methodist acting it would just happen to be in the methodist church wasn't very good i just giggled a lot i obviously grew up in the yeah we know we know we know we know most of my youth backstage at the theater the club theater in altrincham not most of his It's for most of my youth backstage at the theatre, the club theatre in Altrincham. Not most of his youth on stage, most of his youth backstage. Doesn't tell you everything you need to know. Swilling and vodka tonic backstage. Lingering around.

Cigar in hand, year four. Why were you backstage at a theatre? I used to hang out at the theatre because all my mates were there. You didn't just hang out at the theatre. Me and my sister, we did, and our friends. What do you mean all your mates were there? At the weekend. What do you mean?

What, all of your 40-year-old actor mates? Hi, Mum, can my friend come over for dinner? Yes, sure, darling. Who is it? It's 50-year-old Michael Smith. Oh, my God. There was a very camp old man called Mike. Oh, God.

He used to walk with a cane. I don't know whether it was for a prop or he actually had a limp, but he really made that cane... Work for him. Yeah. What, and you'd just hang out at the Turvey? No, no, no. He was in the club theatre, but we would go...

So there was like a Saturday school. How have we never heard about this? So confused. Why were all your childhood friends 50-year-old men? No, they weren't. A lot of my friends were just kids that were my age. Yeah. But then there was an upper tier of...

But why were you hanging out backstage at the theatre? That's what I don't understand. You can't just wander around. No, you can. That was what was great about it. And we would just, we'd write plays and we'd... Write plays? What are you on about? We'd write plays. Oh, you know that I was Toad of Toad Hall. We've talked about this. You were in a play where you were Toad of Toad Hall we've heard that till the cows come home

but I'm with James very unusual behaviour to just be wandering around aimlessly backstage wandering around aimlessly I was hanging out

right at seven years old writing plays backstage with 50 year old Michael Smith on his cane me and Mike what world

were you living in we weren't friends Mike and I we weren't not friends but you know you living in? We weren't friends Mike and I. We weren't not friends but you know it would have been weird to hang out. Did you invite

Widow Twanky to your birthday party when you were eight? It was actually really fun. Defensive. Quite defensive about Mike isn't it?

Yeah. About big Mike. About Uncle Mike. About Mike. How's Mike getting so much fucking air time? Who's Mike? I think we've really

done it. That's a name I haven't heard in many a year. Oh wow. We had Vicky Lane. Who's Mike? I think we really don't. That's a name I haven't heard in many a year. Oh, wow. We had Vicky Lane. She taught us. Val Harris. These are made up names.

But they do sound like old world drama people, don't they? Yeah, Val Harris. Val Harris. They were great. They were really fun. And Dad used to pick us up, so.

What, did he just leave you there? Yeah, and then we'd like put on plays and Mum and Dad would come and see us in them and stuff why is he acting so casual yeah why is he delivering it so straight alice some people sing in the choir others bake bread this is mind-boggling that we've never heard this before that's bizarre what a bizarre childhood yeah well i mean you know how ridiculously eccentric my parents are. Is it much of a...

Is it really a surprise? Everything's starting to piece together. It's all starting to make a lot more sense. They were like, you need to go and be creative and, you know, express yourself. I know, but I thought you had a grasp on how batshit that was, but you don't because you're delivering it

in such a weird way. Why won't you come back to us? I'm indoctrinated at the club theatre, Alice. You know that bit in Home Alone 2 where the homeless woman lives in the roof of the theatre? That's what I'm imagining for Jamie. He's set up shop at the back of the theatre. Oh, it was fun.

Oh, my God. Anyway. This is a whole, honestly, a side of Jamie I've never heard about. He's way more thespy than he ever let on. It's weird. Yeah, it was an interesting time. James, say something for the people. I can't wait to read his memoirs, honestly.

They're going to be... We know a fraction of his life. You know when they say we know 1% of the things that live under the sea? I feel like we know the tip of the iceberg about this man. Yeah, what makes him tick? Why is he so good at accents? Exactly! I'm not, I'm terrible as everyone tells me on Twitter

every day. Well, we know who to blame. Val Harris. There you go. R.I.P. Oh, is she left us? We're assuming so. I'm assuming! She was pretty old when they were friends. It's been to so many funerals. Oh my God.

Honestly, you shouldn't have to lose so many friends. The curse of being a seven-year-old with eight-year-old pals. Anyway. Was your first girlfriend 60? Veronica Lane, she was a beauty she left me her entire fortune oh my god

okay oh my god why has he had just a whole other life oh my god One of my friends from the club theatre Came to my 30th birthday actually

You might have met him, Patrick He was the chap in the corner in the wheelchair He's the fella doing the Charleston He was in an iron man He had some wonderful stories about the war I hope you managed to catch up with him. It's outrage. Oh my God.

Too fucking funny. Val fucking Harris. Jamie Morton, you have lived a life and so have your friends. Okay. She wore headscarves of muslin silk each and every second Thursday and her wobbly body danced and jiggled to its own tune beneath her swathes of loose fabric and shawls. I know that's a stupid description, but I can picture her.

Yeah. Straight away. Now, here's the secret of what we do. Acting is the art of pretending to be someone that you're not actually the person of. Oh, very good. Brilliant. Give her the check.

Fucking hell. Where did you come up with that, Miss Frost? What are you doing? Saint. Saint. I Where did you come up with that? Miss Frost or whatever it is. Saint. Saint. I'll follow you. What is she saying? It's the moonstone of espionage.

So don't go blowing your alter ego down the off of your eye. Sorry, what does the moonstone mean? It's the moonstone of espionage. It must mean like the central tenet. So Geronimo McGee or whatever she's called, she is in on it then? She knows what she's doing? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I think so.

So it would be... Well, she's mentioning espionage. I think she does classes for spies. I think this is a one-on-one. Spy class. Specifically spy class. Right. Any acting experience, Belinda?

Yes. I played a Spanish onion at school. A Spanish onion? What's a Spanish onion? A shallot? Just a big fat onion you wouldn't say anything surely. In what production? Very avant-garde. Belinda blinked. I see well I have to work on that when we spoke the lovey. I'm not sure she needs to work on it. I'd say that role's dead and buried. Belinda looked crestfallen. Oh, no.

Oh, because of the diss, right. I mean, crestfallen as well. Lovely with Spanish onion. Crestfallen, yeah. Got half an omelette there. Belinda looked crestfallen. Smile, woman. Make me believe you, Glee.

She's going undercover as a member of the Glee team. Well, Belinda couldn't muster even a half lip twist. Half lip twist. Oh, come on. The word Glee reminded her of the Glee team. Well, it would, yeah. And Giselle's monstrous betrayal. Oh, God.

Oh, dear, Belinda. I'm not sure you've got the stuff. No, I don't think so either. Based on that? Based on that. The fact she couldn't even smile. Actually, to be fair, yeah. Give me a smile.

Oh, I can't. You're going to go through some really tough times. If you can't even make a wriggle out of your top lip or whatever it said, then you'll probably get killed. I mean, like, this is life-dependent stuff. A half-lip twist. A half-lip twist. My apologies.

As quick as a bat, Belinda knocked herself out of her head. How rude, she said internally. If this old tart wanted a performance. I'm already so excited. Tart. You'm already so excited. Tart. Do you want a tart? Oh. If this old tart

wanted a performance, she was damn so going to get one. Wait, she's not going to have sex with her, is she? With that, Belinda flashed the acting mistress

an ankle of purest skin, a toothy smile and an intoxicating blink. Then she showed her boobs. That's not acting. Oh, Miss St Frost first. Have I done something wrong? Oh, God. Belinda said in her best bedroom voice.

Is she going to get tangled in those scarves? Those silks? Giggled the excitable Geramima St Frost first. It's just that you turn me on so much. I can't stand to see you in clothes. I feel a little uncomfortable. Why? Teacher, pupil,

Geramima's just trying to do her job. Also, I picture her as around 93. Not that 93-year-olds can't have a sex life, but... Yeah, we've all got friends that age, so... They're just people to show me. It's just that you turn me on so much. I can't stand to see you in clothes.

Your beauty is distracting me from my acting. I hate this voice. I hate all of this. Belinda's potion of flattery boinked its home run. Within many minutes the acting mistress had done a forward half roll, meaning her tits were on her chin

and her dresses were over her head. Dresses? How many has she got on? Olden times, isn't it? Her short legs were kicking skywards, and like many great dames of the stage, she wasn't wearing panties. Is that a thing? A, don't say panties, James's worst word. Yeah.

Is that a thing? What, like some of our best actresses don't wear knickers? I don't know. Some of our best mature actresses what maggie smith is going commando is she i don't know i don't know how we'd know that also when do they agree that when do you decide you're such a good actress that no more knickers yeah do they ring judy dench and go like just checking do you wear bloomers oh i'm ravenous for your pussy pubes, mistress.

No one's ravenous for pubes. Have you not had any breakfast, pet? Geramima asked as she exposed Belinda to her knickerbocker glory. Sorry, that's what it's referred to as. Her knickerbocker glory. Isn't a knickerbocker glory like a big tall ice cream? Have you not had any breakfast, pet? I have no.

Twinkled Belinda as she started to munch on Geramima's frilly lids. Why are they frilly? Sorry, why are they frilly? They've got a lace around the edge. They were good, mature and deep in their crevices.

A map well trod with secrets to tell. Sure. Oh my God, Belinda. Fuck me sideways and up the wall. Jesus Christ. Screeched Frost first. Belinda did as Belinda does.

And gave... Just choked on my own spit. Belinda did as Belinda does. And Geronimus and Frostfurce was gagging for it, all delirium and hum. She was in so much intense pleasure that her whole body was jolting like an electrocuted hamster in the comic strips of yore.

What? Do you want to know a secret? Belinda spoke onto her fizzing face. Oh my God. Yes. Yes, sis. Please do tell all. Moaned the acting mistress.

I don't find you attractive. She was acting! And then you're an ugly bitch. Surprise! And that's the end of the performance. Oh,

Belinda! So she's like, I don't find you attractive. Belinda whispered into her melting ear hole. Garamima St. Frostfirst's eyes spinned like a swirly lollipop being twizzled on a stick. Spun?

No. Spinned. Her mouth fell as wide as a half-open car boot and her heart sank without trace. Was she dead? Her heart sank without trace like the heart of the ocean from Titanic. You are truly an actress for the ages. Give that woman an Oscar.

What a stupid exercise. I love that. I don't find you attractive. Also, if we recall, it wasn't that good acting, just out of the blue. But I can't get on with this lesson while I'm looking at you. Oh my God, this is genius. So done. Belinda Blumenthalhal you have passed her majesty's undercover test congratulations

that was it she was with her for about 10 minutes belinda wiped her mouth of vaginal resin and beamed why so sticky she strutted out of rads practicing her oscar speech and adjusting her g-string thong next stop the undercover mission with spoons and east berlin i can't believe that is the extent of fucking espionage training for MI5. That's so funny. Very good. Let me tell your face that's all that. Honestly, I'm just laughing internally.

It's really brilliant. Much like Belinda's internal smile. Yes. But you're right. She's not qualified. Let's face it. She's not qualified. She doesn't know what she's going into.

She's going to ball this up, isn't she, in Berlin? If one of the tasks or one of the requirements isn't to seduce somebody, I mean, that is the extent of her range. Interesting. So she's now going to go on this mission in East Berlin, hopefully. I'm pretty hyped for this. Yeah. You know when you become like a knight, you become a sir and things like that.

Do you get a title when you're a spy? Agent, I guess. Yeah. Is she now Agent Blumenthal? Well, Agent Spooner is Agent Spooner. True. Agent Blumenthal. I'm just so agent spooner so true agent blumenthal i'm just so tempted to just throw the live show out the window and just make it an evening with jamie

where he tells us about his life in the theater or we're on stage and he's backstage writing i would like to do that yeah well a lot of people have bought a lot of tickets to see you on stage so maybe we should set up a camera back there or something if you haven't got a ticket yet to come and see us we are touring all over the place australia new zealand america canada uk europe ireland yeah we go everywhere just go to mydadwreckedporno.com slash live for all of the dates and information of how to get tickets it's's going to be so fun. Brand new stuff from Rocky. And as this chapter is any kind of indication, it's going to be batshit.

If you want to keep abreast of all of our things, then you can go to mydadwrotea on Instagram. You can. At dadwroteporno on Twitter. We're on Facebook as usual. God, if they don't know by now, what are we, Series 5, Episode 4? Jesus Christ, where have you been? They turn off by now, don't they? You can email us as well at mydadrockporno at gmail.com.

So people need to pack their bags. We're off on our travels. We need the appropriate, I mean, stamps and visas, don't we? A what for East Berlin? Yeah. Oh wait, no we don't because it doesn't exist. That's true. See you next week.

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