My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E6 - 'Clean As A Whistleblower'

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

Belinda and Spooner are still undercover in East Berlin and getting closer to bringing Bisch and Giselle to justice. Giselle's vagina gets her into trouble. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner.

Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back.

With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. I've got Alice and James. Very sun-kissed, guys. Have you been away?

Thank you. Is that a dig? Because I'm not. No, you aren't very much. But James, you're looking very brown. And it's not even a t-shirt, and it goes all the way up my arm. Stop taking your top off. It's fine.

Sorry. Yeah, I've just been in Turkey. With the fam. Family holiday. Always dodgy ground. Risky. It was fine, though. No arguments.

It was lovely. I don't think we've ever been on a Levine family getaway and not fallen out. Oh, really? Does it get quite nuclear? My brother and I, we regress. In in quite a big way what do you argue about there's carguments um oh yeah that's the worst because you're just stuck in there for so long yeah you know when mums and dads do they reach the arm back and just slap the legs irrespective of whose fault it is

there's a lot of that going on um did you hang on how far are you driving on your holidays get plane don't you do that though where you just go like drive for ages to get to a beach or drive for ages to get to a cafe when we were getting me on a levine family holiday you know what i mean like a trattoria or whatever when we were kids we drove everywhere so we would have massive almost days in the car. And dad, no, I'm not joking. Dad wouldn't stop. We once drove from Manchester to Prague nonstop.

Wow. That's not a direct journey that you would usually do without respite, is it? I had to wee in a bottle. I feel like you've told us this before. Have I told you before? Because he wouldn't stop. He literally would not stop. Oh my God. It's like his writing career.

He will not stop. How many hours are we talking? Days. It was ridiculous. I mean, fine for you, but three sisters yeah no i know exactly and poor mum so even if you like got a ferry you just have to like stay in the car and you'd be like revving the engine no we're not getting out my family were a bit like that with snacks like they were never up for stopping at a little chef or whatever they're like we've got food in the car it's like little chef sounds like that was your final destination we just always be like we've got some dried apricots here it's like yeah but i want an olympic breakfast obviously for international listeners just the biggest breakfast you'd ever seen as a kid wasn't it

the olympic breakfast do you remember it no big oval plate i think it was designed really for truck drivers who needed the sustenance. Right. Famously perverts, according to James. Oh, God. Where are they shoving those sausages? Do you know what I mean? Don't dredge that up again. It takes a lot of energy to be a perv.

We've only just done the PR spin on that one. Yeah, they were really quite mighty. Oh, lovely. You've been away as well. I went on a food pilgrimage. To Little Chef. Oh, lovely. You've been away as well. I went on a food pilgrimage. To Little Chef. To Little Chef. So you went on a food pilgrimage to?

To Italy. Oh, lovely. All the pasta. Oh, bueno. Oh, my God, bueno. Oh, grazie mille. Grazie mille. What does that mean?

Many thanks. Oh. Millions and thousands of thanks. You weren't new in Italy as well. I was. I was down the road from Alice, which you didn't realise. sent jamie a message being like look how close we are and he was like no way that's so cool i am now moving to the amalfi coast for the rest of the week goodbye i sent him my live you know the live location thing did not receive his in return

you saw his get some further away well dad got very excited because I called him from Italy. And he was like, oh, you're out with Alice. I was like, no, no, not at all. He was like, oh, that's a shame. I wanted to talk to her. Thanks, Dad. Call me whenever. He's got my details.

Exactly. I do love that. Whenever he calls you and he knows you're with us, we all get around on the phone. Yeah, yeah. For nothing in particular, just to chat. It's that sort of Christmas Day thing, isn't it? When it's like like say thanks to Nan

for the present Nana's on the phone okay it's like that but better obviously obviously I mean well it's great to talk to Nana as well

every Christmas day speaking of Rocky Belinda Blink 5 chapter 6 indeed do you want to know the chapter title guys always

I think it's important we do it's called Clean as a Whistleblower. Oh, that's quite clever. Because where were we last? We were in the... Whose offices?

Bisher's offices? Yeah. And Belinda was doing some photocopying of the fake insurance policies and then saw that pink folder that said... That stupid folder. Yeah. What did it say? You very cleverly in german

translated it to say private and confidential wolfgang bish okay so she's got that folder now it was really a post-it note if we recall yeah and um the guy that she was shagging um conked out asleep so that's where we left it i'm pretty pretty sure. People keep asking me, what are we looking for? Like, what are we actually working towards now? So we're looking for... It's a good question. I stopped talking then, hoping you'd fill in the gap. Well, I guess proof that Bish is behind all this,

because they've got no proof. And finding Giselle, right, that's why they're there. That's why they're in Berlin, wasn't it? But as a means... To get Slintz back. To get Slintz back, find Giselle, and we presume, make sure she's banged right. right that's why they're there that's why they're in Berlin wasn't it but as a means to get slints back to get slints back find Giselle and we presume

make sure she's banged right yeah absolutely seriously make sure that Bish doesn't get the blueprints the trioxybrillo range

and I guess more importantly is arrested for terrorism yes indeed kidnapping attempted murder but of course

the blueprints halitosis he should be arrested for all of it we just want this whole sorry affair put to bed so we can move on

with the trike to Brillo Range and you know start selling some pots and pans again people it's what we came for and I just can't wait to go on holiday

maybe in a camper van and use that self heating technology oh my god it will revolutionise camping trips think of glass debris alice oh i actually can't wait till i'm next on worthy farm with one of those she doesn't go to festivals unless you

can help it well bvip i'm fine okay belinda blinked five chapter six clean as a whistleblower. Belinda's heart was in her ass. Oh God. She just shit her heart out her ass. Is that a little twist on heart on sleeve? I guess. When it falls into your stomach? Yeah, maybe. Do people say that?

Or your throat? It never goes in your anus? No. Home is falls into your stomach? Do people say that? Or your throat? It never goes in your anus? No. Home is where the horse is? Belinda's heart was in her ass. And she looked at the sleeping Thickrim, the man. She's a medical marvel.

But Smithy knew she must act quicker than most. I'm getting very confused with him referring to Belinda as both Belinda and Smithy, as if they are two different... It's like Gollum. It's like Beyonce and Sasha Fierce. Sure. Smithy's for Sasha Fierce. Oh. Ripping open the pussy pink personlich und geheim folder.

Private and confidential. Stop being so fluent. Also pussy pink. Quite the number of variants there, I would say. Yeah, indeed. I mean, how far in are you going and also from pussy to pussy absolutely yes i thought it was more like purple like a deep pink like a a purple like like a bruise color james stop it no like the inside of a mouth well it depends on what color your skin is doesn't it what what what your inside color is

well i mean your pussy looks different depending on what your skin looks like I don't have a pussy how many times but your dick looks different depending on what colour your skin is

yeah but your inside of your vagina surely that's the same across the book people don't have an internal skin colour no but

number one it just says pussy it doesn't say internal right number two like well yeah like you're different. I don't know how to explain this to you. The front bit, obviously, is the colour of your skin. Then once you go in, like, it's not all more skin, is it?

Yeah, once you're right in. But, I mean, we're not right in. Her heart is in her ass. We're right in there. Anyway, it was pussy pink, the folder, okay? Just saying. We're right in there. Anyway, it was Pussy Pink, the folder. Just saying. Many shades of Pussy Pink. Many shades of pussy.

So, ripping open the Pussy Pink Persönlich und Geheim folder, the neophyte spy lady breathed as heavy as a marathon runner-up. Because the runner, fine. But the runner-up, out above. With the gift of sight, she saw. It's what I do with it.

Oh, with the gift of sight, she saw Giselle Mars Charkawood de Clotz one million euros. What? This is what was written on the pussy pink folder.

And that's all it says? Belinda blinked. Here was the payment, she thought. Giselle's blood money for betraying all she knew in this world. We thought more than a mil, right? No, it's coming in installments. Oh shit, yeah, of course it is. A million per payment.

You're right. Those pesky transfer limits, you know. A million at a time. Five quid a day for 160 years. But suddenly, she heard footsteps approaching the photostat room. Oh, no! Sleeping bastard! Smithy hissed to the air, grabbing all three of thick-rimmed legs.

Rimmed as legs. Three legs three legs big dick oh god well he said that he was thick rimmed by name and thick rimmed by nature even though his name isn't thick rimmed clearly because it's not a name and you never say someone's big dick is thick rimmed take it from me grabbing all three of thick rimmed legs she hid him in the stationary cupboard amongst the rubber bands butterfly clips

and powdered paint and apparently a huge human sized gap where you can sling a sleeping man in I'm sorry powdered paint we've got a nursery

in there what is powdered paint powdered paint was when you were at school like I think you added water to it and you'd do

paintings with it oh my god that is a blast from the past yeah I once ate pounded like we had

black pounded paint and I was like I wonder what this tastes like it's like flour it's like water and flour basically

do they have to pump your stomach no no I just like licked the brush not the sharpest kid at school I wonder what it tastes like I don't know what does a sequin taste like I ate a kilo Did they have to pump your stomach? No, no, I just licked the brush. Not the sharpest kid at school, was he? I wonder what it tastes like.

I don't know. What does a sequin taste like? I ate a kilo. It was disgusting. He's the sort of boy that would pick the macaroni off a piece of art and eat it. Absolutely. Did you ever eat a pipe cleaner? No, but did you ever do bubble painting and suck rather than blow?

No, of course not. I've never heard of that. James, don't say suck rather than blow. It all began. You do something enough. Just as she slipped the document into her thong string, the office door opened and a young lady entered with a stack of her very own papers in her arms.

Hello! Oh! Woo! It's Edmund! Where is's edmund where is edmund where is edmund belinda shrugged her textbook shoulders pressed the copier button with her rear and made an eating sign with her closed hand to her mouth excuse me eating sign with a hat what so like she's eating oh he's gone to the canteen. Yeah. The young and not an attractive lady laughed and said, Mitakos Bozen, warden, disease, firmer, totten. Why are you doing that voice?

Because she's a lady. Sure. Mixing it up. Can you just Google translate this? What? What does it mean? Lunch breaks will kill this company. That's really good.

But you know he uses Google Translate because it's literally exact translation. Lunch break. What is it? Lunch breaks will kill this company. How are you saying that in German? Mittagspausen werden diese Firma tolten. I don't know, I think.

I don't know. Yeah, sure. Or what I said earlier. Same. That is brilliant. Lunch breaks will kill this company. She set down the stack of papers and left the room shaking her head. Belinda breathed out and coughed shallowly.

Thank you. We could have imagined. She once again read her booty. Sorry. So it's got a heartbeat. It can press buttons and now it can read. No, she read her booty. Oh, so it can write.

Giselle's name reappeared. Oh, maybe he means booty. The private confidential. Yeah. Giselle's name reappeared. Oh, maybe he means booty. The private confidential. Yeah. Giselle's name reappeared one more time and opposite was a further sum of two million euros and tomorrow's date against it. Her final payment, shouted Belinda.

Well, don't shout it. And she'll be here tomorrow to collect it in person, no doubt. Gotcha, you semi-blonde-haired bitch. Oh, wow. Fucking hell. Thick-rimmed snored extra noisy. Oh, oops. Belinda laughed. Extra noisy. Not even noisy.

Extra noisy. It's extra noisy. Oh, oops. Belinda laughed. smithy knew she was too hot she shakenly stacked her life assurance clauses warranties and guarantees into three neat piles found a stapler refilled the staples no to be fair there's never a full stapler in my office. It is a nightmare. I think that's so rude. It's so rude. So she found a stapler, refilled the staples and attached them. Then she stuffed the pink folder into her shoe.

I thought it was in her thong. It was. But it's not going to be very well hidden by a thin piece of material, is it? In her shoe, she could sneak it out. A large folder in a shoe? What shoes is she wearing? Knee-high boots? It's like orthopedic boots. And let me guess, with some special document chamber.

She then stuffed the pink folder into her shoe. That was something a real spy would do, she thought. No, it's not. It's really not. And they'd tell no one. A real spy would do, she thought. No, it's not. It's really not. And they'd tell no one. A real spy would take photos of said folder. Why do we need to take the folder with us? Yeah, and also they're going to miss that folder very quickly.

Yeah, and they wouldn't shout out everything they'd just discovered as well. After her long walk to Petra's office, Belinda discovered that she had fucked the lights out of Mr T, and as a result, had invited them both to spend the evening at the Bisch Schloss. Oh, well done, James. This has been

a very fruitful trip. Such an impromptu evening excursion would throw a normal international sales director into a fizz. But luckily for Belinda, before Belinda left for east berlin belinda had filled chiara montague in with everything sorry how many belindas three okay also a tis but doesn't matter now a fizz into quite the fizz her bosom gal pal was fascinated and designed her a

special dress of dresses oh stop it just in case she had to go spying on a budget. Right. Wait, so when I joked about the document chamber, there's going to be all kinds of crazy Swiss Army knife style attachments on this gown. And she would need it. For Smithy and Mr. t were to dine with and be the special guests of honor of mr hair bish himself oh my god we know they i mean they literally just said that like four sentences ago oh sorry i'm just coming up to speed i'm like wow what, what? Cool. So exciting, obviously very scary.

But what is this dress? What is it going to do? Part invisibility cloak. Oh my God, it's definitely going to have a bit that just takes you into like a wormhole. Yeah, it's probably got a jet pack in it. Like there's going to be all sorts of shit. There'll be a condiment pouch. I also like the use of Mr. Hair Bish.

Isn't hair just Mr.? Yeah. So Mr. Mr. Bish. Does he think his name is Hair? No, because his name is Hair Bish isn't hair just Mr? yeah so Mr Mr Bish does he think his name is hair? no because his name's Wolfgang isn't it? Wolfgang I have to admit I totally thought his name was hair I'm still also loving Mr T spelled T-E-A I don't think that it really comes across

when I'm reading it just how ludicrous it is but Mr T every time it's written it's like Mr T Mr PG Tips like it's just so so stupidrous it is. Every time it's written, it's like, Mr. T, Mr. PG Tips. It's just so stupid. Does he have a first name? If someone asked him, what's your first name, will he panic?

No, it's James T. Oh, it's James T. Okay, brilliant. What an undercover name. Belinda gawped at the insides of the German castle. Oh, so fast forward. Fast forward. We're there. We're in.

She was excited to meet the mysterious and evil as all get up bish. But what she couldn't have known was that only 200 metres below her smooth foot soles. Recent pedicure. Was Giselle. She's not to know. How could she know? Once again, stuffing Slintz's face into her waterlogged vagina. Oh, yeah.

She was, like, suffocating him, wasn't she? Oh, so he's still feasting? He's not feasting. He's drowning by the sound. He's being waterboarded by her vagina. Waterlogged vagina. That's a very wet vagina. Get trench foot.

Giselle was as happy as a lark on the farm and it took george shouting at her before she realized slints had breathed his last dying in a bubbling sea of sexual exhaustion orgasmic fluids and bilious phlegm. Oh, God. Slince is dead. He choked on vagina. Giselle stood back and looked at George. I think he's fucked. And so are we. The trioxibrillo blueprints have just bitten the dust.

Yeah, that's fucking so stupid. She's killed Slince. That's their one chance for the tri-exemplar from each plan. I mean, we did say from the beginning, just take the plans. Don't take an actual elderly man. Because they were in the safe that Slince was in, do you remember? Oh, for God's sake. They were literally there.

She could have just picked up. Why did she kidnap? Why is Slince even there? Why did she suffocate him with her vagina? That's probably the most pressing thing that we should look at, yes. The special one blinked. She is in fucking trouble.

When Bish finds out. Oh, he'll limp over to her and he'll give her the biggest tap on the shoulder. When Cock find out. Oh my god. This is all sort now. I mean, sad that she'll have a moment of silence for slints. Shall we make a video? Footnotes, eulogies, yeah?

Get the black and white filter out. I don't feel quite so bad about this. Sorry to hear you go. But that's problem solved. Oh yeah, does that render the rest of the book completely pointless? Well, basically. I mean, aside from proving that they did it and getting them in jail for the aforementioned terrorism and everything.

Right, right. Problem solved. But they don't have the access to any intel, do they now? They can't actually recreate OxiBrillo, can they?

No, they can't, but also maybe Steel's can't without Steel. So maybe no one's going to have to try OxiBrillo. Oh my God, no. Wait, can we have a moment

of silence for OxiBrillo then? Try OxiBrillo. My apologies, try OxiBrillo. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and apologies, try Oxybrillo. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over.

Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Of 230 feet above.

230 feet. Oh, so we're now in feet. Was it not in feet before? It was meters before. What's it? 200 meters down, 230 feet up. So someone's gone up or someone's gone down. What's it? 200 metres down, 230 feet up. So someone's gone up or someone's gone down. What's going on?

Wait, just check for me. What is that in metres? 70. 70. Metres. So we've gone down 200, then we come up 70. Come up 70. How confusing.

So 230 feet above, Belinda had found herself in her private bedroom inside the Bish sloss. So she's got a subterranean bedroom, which I would say, give the guests a nice view, no? I think should we, for the benefit of the tape, give Dad the benefit of the doubt and say that he meant to put metres again. So she's 30 metres above... Sea level. Sea level. Above where she was before in the schloss. How tall is the schloss?

No. It really was the cow's moo. Oh, guys, he's mad. He's absolutely mad. He's totally mad. It really was the cow's moo. Can we make a phrase book of all of the, you know, heaven on a hat stand, cow's moo.

There was one earlier that we just skimmed over and didn't even comment on because we're just so saturated by Rocky-isms. Oh, was it that Giselle was happy as a lark on the farm? Yes, it was. Yes, I believe that was what it was. So it really was the cow's moo. And when Belinda...

A lot of farmyard similarities. Yeah. Sad grew up on a farm, didn't he? So there you go. He says that like it's been throughout all the books. Yeah. Why does he have to? Maybe he visited, I don't know, when he wrote this.

It really was the cow's moo. And when Belinda slipped into Chiara's velvet ball gown with a tease she felt fabulous in fact she looked the fucking money tits there's another one you're writing these down the money tits she looked the fucking money i love that alice you look the fucking money thank you i mean i don't but i think if i scrubbed up i could the next time we're going out out out money you're gonna look money tits a sharp knock jumped her and she opened the chained door to a very dashing mr t whom had opted for a very scottish kilt as opposed to just a just a plain one I wonder if he's following traditions

Smithy asked Belinda with a wink chuckle sorry Smithy asked Belinda her alter ego who's asking who what now this is such a head fuck and do they always not wear underwear under the kilt well that's the tradition isn't it that's the tradition, isn't it, right?

That is the tradition. That you go bareback, as Dad would say. Bareback. But do they actually do that? Who's they? Like people who wear kilts. I think so, yeah. I think they're windy in the willows, yeah.

That is risky. I wonder if he's following traditions, Smithy asked Belinda with a wink chuckle. As he approached her through the door she tried wafting air up there to create a vortex of revealing wind. Oh, there you go. A waft! But the wool was

too heavy. Yeah, well it will be, yeah. Also, what, she got in a waft with her hands? Of course the wool's too heavy. Very subtle. Also, hang on, isn't Mr T supposed to be from Boston? He is supposed to be from oh yes spoon is scottish but mr t is very much an american oh god remember your covers mr t took her fingers like a fairy tale princess and licked each one in turn. I don't know that fairy tale. Which one's that? Smithy's lids melted.

Melted? Gosh, you look fantastic. Very Bostonian. So he does know. He does know then. There's a big Irish contingent in Boston. And actually, Irish people can wear kilts. That is part of the culture as well. Yeah, Irish kilts is a thing.

Are we giving him an out here? Are we giving Rocky an out? So, gosh, you look fantastic. Very Bostonian. In fact, your legs could give me a run for my running. Your legs could give me a run for my running. Do you think, though, he just thinks that's what the phrase is? He's just got it wrong?

Oh, probably. What do you call that when people get phrases wrong? Is it a malapropism? Malapropism. I think so. Dad does that a lot. Or is it like sweets for my sweets? Run for my running. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, maybe. Sorry, I've just Googled it. Doggy

Dog World instead of Dog Eat Dog World. That's a classic. Oh, yeah. Best thing since life spread. Which makes more sense. That's something Rocky would say. That is Rocky. Yeah, do you remember like Adam and Joe used to hang out. Oh, yeah. Best thing since life spread. Which makes more sense. That's something Rocky would say. That is Rocky. Yeah, do you remember Adam and Joe used to hang out on podcasts and stuff? My sister used to think that it only takes a minute, girl, from Take That was it only takes a mini skirt.

So people can do it. To fall in love. To fall in love, yeah. Oh, my friend thought, slam your body down and wind it all around from Wannabe. They thought it was somebody's down and wine is all around. Like someone had tripped over and spilt wine. That sounds like somebody with a really controlling mum about spillages. Like somebody's really down because someone's actually spilt something. So you've got to clear it up.

And it's red. So Spooner immediately put his right thumb into his mouth and used a circling motion with his left ring finger. Left ring finger. Sorry, I'm just doing it. Oh, a bit like you. Is that your ring finger? Like Cooey, you baby. Like circling her face like you

delling. But why is he sucking his thumb? Because he's like, I'm a big baby, I love you. There may be ladybirds, beetles or ants in here, Smithy. Has he got his thumb in his mouth? There may be ladybirds, beetles or ants in here, Smithy Has he got his thumb in his mouth? There may be ladybirds, beetles or ants in here, Smithy Belinda nodded intuitively Bugs

She was no dunce She is a dunce And also, is he saying it in code in case they're being listened to? Bugged But if they're being bugged, I think they can work out ants, caterpillars and moths or whatever he said. What could they mean? She thought of Geramima St. Frost first. I thought you were still saying Geramima.

And in her PA tone of voice spoke, Wow, Mr. T. I can't wait to meet the legendary Hairbish. Yes, he's rather a bit of a dude, darling Smithy, isn't he? Thank God they're acting so naturally. He's rather a bit of a dude. Sucking his thumb or wearing a kilt. Yes, Mr. T, I love using his crockpots.

What is going on? Can they not just act like human beings? Even James Spooner had a hard time containing his mirth at Belinda's last comment and loved that he's finally found his soulmate for the time being. For the time being. My short-term soulmate. She is the woman for now In the guard room below them Petra smiled to herself As she observed her two guests

On the monitors They're absolutely berged They were indeed Typically British And Boston Wholesome And stupid typically British and Boston wholesome and stupid. She couldn't wait to go a three-way

with them after her boss had retired to his sleeping mattress post-dinner. He's just got a mattress on the floor in a castle. But back in the dungeons below the two Gs were getting rowdy. God, we're up and down like a yo-yo, aren't we? Bloody hell.

They better have a lift, although castles tend to not. Damn you, Giselle, shouted George. I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours. And don't kill him with your vag. I won't warn you again. How many times? I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours,

but you just wouldn't listen. Giselle looked daggers at George and threw her sodden black thong at him. Fuck you! Somebody had to push him to the edge, you tosser-rotter. Tosser-rotter? Put that on the list. Tosser-rotter, that is in Tuscany, isn't it? Tosser-rotter.

So no remorse from Giselle. She's just ruined everything and she's like, Fuck yeah! Defensive though, once you've killed someone, you would feel a bit defensive. Yeah, you would panic, to be fair. But was she in theory pushing him to the limit to get him to release the information?

I think so. I think it was torture, wasn't it? Fuck you! Somebody had to push him to the edge, you tosserotter. What the hell are we going to do now? The second and final tranche of Euros is due to be paid tomorrow when we hand over the blueprints to Bish. Oh, shit.

Oh, balls. Oh, shit. This is a palaver. Have we come back to the land of plot? So they've got to hide Slint's body and come up with blueprints by tomorrow. Is this going to turn into Weekend at Bernie's?

Are they going to attach strings to his arms and be like, I don't have a reference. At that moment, the telephone located in the plush corridor rang a ring. G&G looked at each other in horror as reality sank in. How would they explain the death of the professor to Hairbush? I feel like we're in real time living their panic

because they just keep saying like, how are we going to do it? How are we bloody going to do it? Well, I'd just say like, buy yourself some time. I'd just be like, yeah, no, no, everything's fine. Here's slints.

Wah, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, oh, he's opening. Shut it slints. Wah, wah, wah, wah, yeah. Oh, he's opening. Shut it, you. They've got the whole evening, exactly. They can formulate a plan. There's time. But also, old man, like, could have just conked it because quite a panicky situation.

He's been kidnapped. But I guess that's still on them, isn't it? He died on their what? Well, if he had a heart attack, what are you going to do? Giselle crawled out of the dungeon with racing head with what with racing head who's racing head what was she to speak to the villain who was paying her two million euros in 12 hours for information from a prof prof she just cunnilingus to death quite I mean well summed

up to be fair. I feel like the past page has been summed up of this exact scenario. This sounds like Mission Impossible. It's such a that feeling when, isn't it? That feeling when you cunnilingus to death someone you're supposed to get... A posh prof.

A posh prof. A prof prof. Oh, a prof prof. Not a posh prof. A prof prof. What's a prof prof? What a kid would call a professor. I guess. I think that's what Bella called him, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. Bella called him prof prof A prof prof What's a prof prof? What a kid would call a professor I guess

I think that's what Bella called him Wasn't it? Oh yeah Bella called him prof prof Prof prof So From a prof prof She just cunningly lingers to death

Spish it Vot Oh god Oh it makes my skin crawl The horrid voice volumed Speaking Hi You can't come to the phone right now.

Replied Giselle as nonchalantly as she could muster. I want you to dinner with Petra and two other English guests tonight. Could you understand that? I want you to dinner with? Petra and two other English guests tonight. Oh my God. Tonight? As soon as Giselle sees Belinda

But that's a good distraction for Giselle to be like Giselle can make this work Fucking hell This is amazing Carry on What do you mean it's a good distraction? Well like She doesn't have to tell about slints

Because she'd be like There's a spy here Yeah Like Giselle will recognise Belinda Oh I see Oh Oh Fucking hell

Oh how exciting Oh my god They're going to meet recognise Belinda. Oh, I see. Oh! Oh! Oh, fucking hell! Oh, how exciting! Oh my God, so they're going to meet at dinner. Do you think they're going to fuck? Oh my God. I think they're going to have sex, irrespective.

So, I want you to dinner with Petra and two other English guests tonight. Tonight. Giselle suddenly cried like a stuck piglet in a fence.

A bit like that. That came too easily. What a party piece. But seriously, was this chapter written on a farm? It honestly might have been. He might have been visiting his brother. Why is it so livestock heavy? Yeah.

What is the noise? Bish demanded. Not nicely. I'm petrified of Bish. Sorry, sir hair. Sir hair. Sir hair. Sir mister.

Sorry, sir hair. I have a bit of a dicky belly and bowels. She's passing that off as bowels. Disgusting. I couldn't agree more. Keep away from my brittle body. They're on the phone. They're 230 metres apart.

Oh, my God. One bout of diarrhoea could push him over the edge, couldn't it? To be fair, he's very sickly. He'll turn inside out. Ach, disgusting. Keep away from my brittle body mass for all of tonight or I or I

will be dining with Hades and not insurance rats. Dining with Hades. His heart will come out of his ass. Oh my god. I mean, it looks like Jamie's gonna die every time he does the impression. Bish is horrible. He kind of possesses you when you do his voice. Oh my God. I mean, it looks like Jamie's going to die every time he does the impression. Bish is horrible.

He kind of possesses you when you do it. Possesses you? I don't like looking at you when you do it. That vein that pops. So he knows he's going to hell at least. He knows. He's self-aware. He knows he's a bit of a shit.

Giselle smiled. Of course, hairbish I shall quarantine my ass for you Oh, God Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room And sang Okay, Georgie, poor G To the tune of

Okay, Georgie, poor G we have only 40 minutes to get out. Oh my god! What are you talking about? Okay Georgie Poggi. Hello Georgie. What's it to the tune of? Would you have a better tune that youji. I love Fonji. What's into the tune? Would you have a better tune that you would give it to? Have you just decided that's the tune?

Oh my God, it goes straight to Hades. I can't bear him doing it again, but he's going to do it again. Oh my God. He won't get past 40. He won't get past 40. I won't do it. Okay, so Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room. So you're getting used over Georgie Porgie.

Okay, so excited. And sang. Okay, Georgie Porgie, we only have 40 minutes to get out or thereabout. Pack your stuff and slints. What was that tune? Pack your stuff and slints. Pack your stuff and slints. Do you have any batteries in your bag?

Shop objects? Dead bodies? Oh, my God. The tune you chose. I can't breathe Why is she singing? Why so casual? Because she thinks this is her saviour does she?

Yeah I mean she clearly is like We need to get the hell out of here We've got 40 minutes to get out I guess because Bish thinks that they're in quarantine for the night So they've got time now to get away To escape Also she's not going to see Belinda Oh yeah

Oh yeah Don't do it, is that Belinda? Mr T looked out over the snowy courtyard and pumped Belinda hard on the windowsill. Oh. Her vagina was warm, but outside was a nasty snowstorm. That's irony for you, he informed him. Is that irony, that a vagina's warm but outside is cold?

It's like rain on your wedding day. What's the literary thing called? What? Oh, no. Pathetic fallacy. It's kind of like that. When the weather represents the mood. But the opposite.

Yes, exactly. It's reverse pathetic fallacy. But just then an overcoated couple moving in the far corner of the courtyard caught his attention. This is why you should always fuck on a windowsill if you're a spy. They were obviously packing the boot of a large Mercedes with a very large, almost human-sized bag. Almost slant-shaped sack.

Poor buggers, he thought. Here I am inside the cosy snug of this woman's pussy. Oh my God, think about it. And them in the worst of weather. He let the curtain casually fall back. No! As he came white fluid inside Smithy. Are you an idiot?

Why do they think they're there? That's the end of the chapter, guys. So they've escaped. Wow. Unless Belinda catches a glimpse. Belinda's not... Unlikely. If Belinda catched a glimpse, she wouldn't know what was going on.

Smithy might catch a glimpse, though. Smithy might. She's more switched on in the spy states. That's so frustrating. Wowie. That really was the cow's moo, wasn't it? Oh my God. That was great.

That is one of my favourites in a very long time. That song. Wow. That song. Okay, Georgie, Burgie. We got only 14. Do you think we got it clean? Because I would love someone to take that

and remix it into some sort of dance track. I'm sure they've got it in there somewhere. Okay, well, do what you can. I'd love a little tune out of that. I mean, as ever, Jamie, note perfect. Oh, thank you very much. I mean, we didn't know what the notes were, but... But beautifully rendered.

They are my own notes. I've got to say, like, when I was thinking about book five, as I often did before we started recording, this isn't quite how I expected it to go. It's quite... Go on, choose your words carefully. Good? Okay.

It's quite hot in this room, so I think James is ready to have a little breather. I know what you mean, though. It is going in interesting ways. I thought it'd be more about cock. Yeah. And not about this. But then I guess...

I guess I thought there'd be more toffee apple too. Yeah, that's a shame. I'd love to see him slash her back. Her. Her back. Well, come back next week to I'd love to see him slash her back. Her. Her back. Well, come back next week to find out if they have dinner with Hairbish and if Giselle and George have got away. But in the meantime, do get in touch with us on Instagram.

It's at MyDadWroteHer. If you'd like to send us a tronch of two million euros, it's MyDadWroteHerPorno at gmail.com. We're on Twitter at DadWroteHerPorno. Send us your dance tracks of Jamie's beautiful singing. And the tour. Yes, if the slints moment has quite literally whet your appetite for another slice of Rocky, you can come and see us.

Read some brand new Rocky material. Indeed, it's Belinda's Dirty 30. She's turning 30, having a big birthday party for her, so you've got to come. If you want to come, and everyone is welcome, we're an open house aren't we oh god don't say that

that's like you know when people are at school and they used to say like oh my mum and dad are away and they'd post it on Facebook and suddenly 10,000 people were at their mum and dad's house oh that's what I want

I want chaos so you can get your tickets at mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live it was so amazing last time and we want to make it even bigger and better well worse

because it's Rocky's work. But you know what I mean? All right. Well, we should go and give Slintz the send off he deserves. Absolutely. Yeah. Just go for a drink. Great.

Drink. Yeah. Great. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in.

Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maples Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.