My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E7 - 'A Gentleman Woof'

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

Belinda (Smiffy) and Spooner (Mr Tea) meet Herr Bisch for a banquet in his schloss. Will they finally stop him, once and for all? // Come see us on our 2020 World Tour! Tickets available via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice and James, how are we doing? I feel a bit sore actually because I went to a dance class last night. Oh, excuse me, what? I'll tell you what it's called. It's called learn to twerk. With the elderly. Learn to twerk, but you have no ass, famously. Okay, well, this is my issue.

I mean, she has an ass. She just, you know. I have an ass that won't quit. It's just been made redundant. You went to a learn to twerk class. I didn't know that's what it was called. My friend just said, do you want to go to a dance class so now that's false advertising well amen i arrived and everybody's wearing great outfits but pretty skimpy i'm dressed like i'm in bend it like beckham i had

some football shorts on and a baggy t-shirt basically peak it the first alarm bell that rang was that the lady said all right everyone you're sexy bitches god i mean that really got my heart going i was like oh no then they create a circle the circle of trust no i'm afraid so and in the circle of trust you have to freestyle the first thing yes yes the first thing what did you do the robot big fish little fish i essentially did the charleston and other people are putting their hands on the floor and like throwing their ass in the air oh my oh my god i wish i can we go with you next time okay wait it gets worse so then we do the warm-up great got it covered i didn't know it was the warm-up and then she's

like right now we'll learn the routine jeez so i'm like okay that's fine like i like to dance just in the comfort of my own home so i was like i'll just shuffle to the back i'll watch is that a dance move shuffle to the back shuffle to the back i twerked to the back um i got myself to the back and i was like it's fine because this way i can watch what everybody else does and i don't need to remember it so i got to the back and then she was like okay so the first move is a turn so basically the back was the front awful so now i'm in front of the mirror so then and you can see everyone behind you everything and they can all see me and then she said i want you to feel your arse cheek and then feel underneath it. And she's like, that's what's got to shake.

I cannot tell you how much of me shook. Everything but my arse shook. Because you know there's nothing to move. Like, what's going to shake? There's nothing underneath it because there's nothing on top. It's concave. That's amazing. I wish I'd been there.

Can you, I mean, I know it's audio, but could you maybe give us a little uh okay give us a move i can but i'd like you to imagine what the song is that i'm doing it to as i do it what is the song my neck my back my pussy and also my crack that's so belinda of you she said she was like guys it's a long count enjoy the pussy bit my neck my back my pussy and my crack and my crack my friend described it

as fucking a ghost basically the whole thing was mortifying and all I could think of was you two the whole time are you going to go again it's a great workout non-committal

from Alice Levine I just you know I'm inhibited like i'm that sort of thing makes me so embarrassed but you're in the circle of trust now i mean this is true she just kept calling us sexy which made me feel a bit uncomfortable sexy bitches sexy bitches to be fair and i did enjoy the pussy bit once she told me to enjoy it i did enjoy it you are so bella right now it's when she said touch your body touch it all over i don't want to do it all over, touch it all over. I don't want to touch it all over. I'm in a sweaty room. I don't want to touch it all over.

I'll touch it at home. I won't touch it at home. Oh my God. Okay. So remind me what's about to happen. Belinda's going to, or Smithy, sorry, Smithy, is going to have dinner with Bish. Yeah, I think we're about to meet Bish again. And they are about to meet Bish.

Undercover, obviously. Why do I feel like Bish only eats liquidised food? Yeah, and why do I feel like he's going to spit all over the table as he talks? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be gross. Yeah. So who wants to guess the title of this chapter then? Dinner with Bish.

Is it going to be dinner with Bish? Dinner at the Bish's table. No. Is it going to be some play on that, though? Some play on cuisine or... Shlop at the Schloss? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. That is quite good, yeah. It's incorrect. That's play on that, though. Some play on cuisine or... Schlop at the Schloss. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. That is quite good, yeah. It's incorrect. That's good. Oh, okay. Any other guesses? Put us out of our misery, as they did with slints, please. Okay.

I might just go straight into the intro, then. Oh, by all means. Belinda blinked five. Chapter seven. A gentleman woof. What? A Gentleman Woof A Gentleman Woof A Gentleman Woof Not even a Gentleman's Woof

No just a Gentleman Woof A Gentleman Woof Okay Mr T laughed like a man not himself Because he's Spooner you see Mr. T laughed like a man not himself. Because he's Spooner, you see. Oh, I see, I see. He is a man not himself. He wiped the gooey head of his cock on a bit of curtain

and pulled his kilt down to protect his shyness. That's going to make the curtains go stiff. Is that how you get the pleats? In both the kilt and the curtains? That's unpleasant, isn't it? That's what I always think about hotels, though. Yeah. You know what the worst thing is for it?

The runners on the beds. Yeah, absolutely. They don't wash those. What, they're covered in jizz? All sorts. They've done those ultraviolet light things before and they are absolute petri dishes. Bodily filth.

So what's on them? Well. Semen Semen Blood Oh my god Probably urine Urine Well what do you think's on them?

Food as well All of the above Food Feet Just think People bring in their suitcase And dump it on the bed Think where their suitcase has been

Yeah yeah yeah Then people have sex on them Then people eat their burgers off them Then people wipe their nose on them Then they go to Wipe their nose on them? They have sex on them. Then people eat their burgers off them. Then people wipe their nose on them. Wipe their nose on them? They have sex on them. They like lying on, like specifically lie on the runner.

No, but people like, you know, wipe their bums on them do also. Wipe their bums on them? No, I don't mean like after the toilet, but like after you've had a bath,

you're like lying on the bed, just like rubbing yourself all over. Oh my God. Itch. That's disgusting. Put their cats on them. Oh my God. Do you know what's also really bad for that? bath you're like lying on the bed just like rubbing yourself all over oh my god that's disgusting put their cats on them oh my god do you know what's also really bad for that doctor's ties apparently what for all of the above not for all of the above a range of the above no it's just that they don't wash them as regularly as they wash their shirts and things

because how often do you wash a tie yeah but they but they must do now. Now that's been flagged, I'd be washing it every day if I was a doctor. What do you mean, now they've heard this? Yeah. I've now changed NHS policy, thank you. This is a public health announcement. So anyway, so he wiped his gooey head of his... Gooey head. The gooey head of his cock on a bit of curtain.

That's really disrespectful as well in somebody else's house. In someone else's schloss. And pulled his kilt down to protect his shyness. It was dinner time. He led Smithy down the schloss slide to the dining room extraordinaire. What's the slide? I can understand if like Bish was a younger man why he might install a slide. Well, an older man can't do the stairs anymore.

He just has a slide. I see it as a kind of aircraft style inflatable slide. You know, the emergency exit slide. Remove all sharp-heeled shoes. Exactly. The dining room extraordinaire was nothing short of extraordinary. Well, it's

great branding. There was gold-laid cornicing and drawings on the ceiling. So sort of fresco. Yeah, a mural of some sort. It didn't look foul or scary. Why would it? Not at all the shape of place Smithy would have imagined

an arch nemesis to happiness and cookware would reside. But he doesn't think he's evil. So when you commission the guy to do your kind of ceiling a la the Sistine Chapel, you're not like, oh, by the way,

don't put cherubs or angels or anything because I'm evil. So if you could just put some like malevolent presences there. He is evil, isn't he? Yeah, he is, yeah. Do you think something happened to him to make him that way? Well, usually in a superhero scenario,

you'd get a little glimpse of when they were a nice guy and then something occurs. Backstory Bish. Yes, I smell an origin story. Like the Joker film that's out. Yeah, with Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, the early story of Bish. What was he? Who was he? Petra

had also changed clothes and looked okay. Oh, good. That's enough for Petra. Zit! She's got a zit. She said, as the spying duo sat. Right. I think it's sit, but it's spelt with a Z. Oh, I see. Sure.

Zit! Petra continued. No! right i think it's sit but oh i see with a z yeah zit patrick continued no miss smithy and mr t please be standing as i welcome with a heavy heart and mind the most successful seller of pots and pans and measuring spoons in world history. World history. It's painful for her to speak like that, isn't it? Surprisingly okay, actually. Not for you. I mean, for her.

She sounds uncomfortable. And for your ears, everyone. Smithy and Mr. T rose again in their shoes. So when she said zit, she didn't actually mean zit no no zit to stand up again

for zit zit not unzit Smithy and Mr. T rose again in their shoes may I introduce you to

Mr. Wolfgang Bisch a lot of like fanfare for two people just she might have just going yeah would you applaud do curtsy smithy and mr t held their respective breaths as a smallish man with awful posture appeared as a silhouette in the doorframe of the dining experience. It's like the start of some sort of show, isn't it? B.

R. Bish. B-R. Doesn't make any sense. I'm imagining a beat then comes on. That's exactly it, yeah. Pulsing light. You see a fraction of him.

I'm picturing it a bit like the film version of Chicago. Right, okay. Where some things kind of move out of his way. There's a lot of shadow. Yeah. Greyscale. So he's Catherine Zeta-Jones in this specific scenario. Yeah, sure.

Smithy blinked. When Smithy's sensual eyelids rose from their rest, she... Not a blink. That's the undo of the blink, isn't it? Yes. They're rising from the rest. No, I know, but it sounds like she's been asleep When Smithy's sensual eyelids rose from their rest

She saw standing before them The evil creature Behind Giselle's betrayal The kidnapping of slints And the bombing of steels, pots and pens Bish Yeah she's going to have to have a lot of restraint, isn't she? If she doesn't want to ruin the whole thing and blow cover.

Also, for a man who's, I would say, a bit slow on his feet, he managed to get into position, as we say in the theatre, within the blink of an eye. He did. Wasn't there, eyes blink, eyes open, there. But Alice, what we used to call that at the club theatre was waiting in the wings. He'd have been there, you know.

Waiting in the wings. Yeah, no, I there, you know. Waiting in the wings. Yeah, no, I've not heard that. So great to have you here for such theatrical insight. A hatred Belinda had never before tasted excreted into her mouth. That's quite good, isn't it? That's quite... Visceral.

Visceral. She spat the bitterness out Visceral. Visceral. Visceral. She spat the bitterness out with all the precision of her days playing county netball. Okay, you've lost me a bit now, but... What, she just spat on the table? She did it with the precision of a chess pass. Pivot. Spoons nudged her at her unspy-like act Good call James

And Smithy prayed to the Norse gods for repentance Forgive me Norse gods for I have spat It's nice to know that Smithy is also the denomination of the Norse gods What is that?

Is that paganism or something? I don't know We've never really got to the bottom of it Splendour of pagan The praying has really ramped up in later books, hasn't it? Yeah. But then at Giselle's wedding, she apologised to God.

Oh, yeah. Like, Christian God. No, I think that's probably because she was in his domain at the church. Right. Okay, yeah. When she hurtled down from heaven, though, that wasn't Norse heaven, was it? Oh, you'd think that that would have changed her perspective on religion, wouldn't you? What is this woman?

Yeah. Now that she's literally beaten to heaven. She's still not convinced. I have proof it exists. Yeah, she should be some sort of messiah now, really, shouldn't she? I mean, she literally survived heaven. Or at least should have talked to someone about it. I mean, she's not even said I've had this out-of-body experience.

I've seen nelson mandela people have made saints for less bish for himself had not noticed the spit oh well petra had but who cares about that old german rag certainly not rocky that's for sure petra look yeah fine um he's so lost in chet as Petra, hasn't he? He's like, move on. He's such an afterthought. Make no mistake, Petra is purely functional. Ah, my treasured insurance keepers.

Spoke Bish with the rasp of the last time we saw him. Nothing if not consistent. Man and woman. Flesh and hair. Flesh and him? Hair, no, M-H-A-I-R. Oh, so actually flesh and hair, okay. Flesh and hair.

What an honour of the days. What honour of the days? B on earth is he talking about? Bish's lips continued to create verbiage. Or garbage. So he doesn't know what Belinda looks like. It feels like he might, but maybe he wouldn't. He's not really been going after Belinda, has he? And Belinda's new to pots and pans.

Because where was she? Oh no, she was in typhoid crockery. She moved from crockery to steel. Well, he's in measuring spoons, apparently, so... Yeah, that might slip through. He shoveled over to the head of the table. Shoveled? Shoveled.

He dug his way over. It's shoveled. It is shoveled. Shoveled. Yeah, not shuffled, shoveled. He shoveled over to the head of the table and sat to quite the comfort. That's what we're calling a fart. A gentleman woof. A gentleman woof.

Oh, God. But wait, that means it's the focus of the chapter. So we're not going to brush over this quickly. No, this is going to linger. Oh God, it's going to linger. Oh no. But wait, they're not going to pass out or something, are they? Oh, this is so stupid.

A poisonous gentleman woof. He let out a stinky gentleman woof. No one laughed. Oh, sorry. I didn't realise it was for the group. Well, you know when someone farts really loudly it is quite amusing

it's like juvenile they definitely laugh if they knew he called them a gentleman wolf excuse me I just did a gentleman wolf

that's what you get a kid to call it so you don't say fart what were the words when you went like Trump or a windy pump a windy

pump i just pumped we said bottom burp oh that's disgusting that's worse than fart a bottom burp um no one laughed but they did all wince at the toxic stench of a man not well in spite. Oh my god, I bet it stank. Someone, I had a bish on the tube this morning. Oh no. Oh my god, the gentleman wuffs were filling the carriage. And you know when someone gentleman wuffs next to you and everyone thinks it's you? So you have to really like look around.

Be like, oh my god, who was that? So then that just makes you look more guilty, doesn't it? Do you reckon? Oh, well I do it to try and make sure they know it wasn't me who Gentleman Wolfed. So, wait. Bish's insides are so rancid that what's come out is genuinely dangerous. Toxic. Yeah.

I imagine he's just like rotted inside. He's just black and rotted inside. Well, if his lungs are anything to go by, God knows what his bowels are like. He snapped his decaying hand bones. Snapped. With a slice of authority and the dishes were produced. Oh gosh. Great platters of boiled goat's heads. Yummy, yummy.

Bratwurst and sauerkraut. Come on, sauerkraut. Sauertraut. Bollocks. Come on. Sour Trout. Sour Trout. That's quite a heavy combo. Yeah, no wonder his insides are rotten. If that's his diet every time. To be fair, the Sour Trout Kraut, very good for digestion. Oh, because of the pickles.

Yeah, yeah. That's my nickname for Alice. Sour Trout. Chuck. Hiss. Scratched. The bad man. The bad man. Smithy scowled at the food before her,

but Mr T jumped right in with his napkin hungrily stuffed into his collarbone. So, how's the cooking business here, bish? Mr T asked asked in between mouthfuls of fermented fish good we are about to be the indisputed kings of cooking hang on hang on hang on i'm a bit scared. Smithy froze at Bish's change in volume and tone. I'm picturing her with a fork in a hole head. Just gnawing.

Just like biting the eyeball. Her face stared at him, a massive brat verse sticking out between her lips. Come on! Not for the first time. Come on. Not for the first time. Is you sure ye are from the insurance of Loved Life Fund? Loved Life Fund. That's what it's called.

Dot com. This myth looks like a profile I once looked at for a job. Oh, fuck. What? Smithy spat out sausage. Impossible. I've been at insurance of love to life for the past ten years. I mean, that acting class went down really well then, didn't it?

Yeah, I was going to say, she's playing it cool. What? 10 years? How dare you? Lies. Oh, God, I actually feel really stressed. I think I interviewed

you. Could this rat be the... Frola and Blumenthal? Uh-oh. Holy shit. Belinda spluttered, choked, and finally blinked. Oh, my God.

I finally blinked. Oh my God. I know everything, and it is time for you to come to the end of days. Oh my God, I feel so stressed. Rocky didn't really ratchet up the tension, though, did he? He was like, yeah, I'm fine. Wait a minute! So wait, was all of that just facade? what from bish's perspective yeah when he came out when he's like put all the food down no i think he genuinely saw him as like

i'm still worried about why the chapter's called a gentleman wolf and how he's going to use it now to overpower belinda no not a gentleman wolf chloroform style please so i know everything that's never referenced again it just shows you what rocky thinks is the most important part when he reads back over it that gentleman wolf bit was pretty good picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over.

Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. So I know everything and it is time for you to come to the end of days in case you couldn't quite decipher the accent. Thank you.

Bish laughed. Belinda threw a goat's eye at him. As Spoons ripped off his ginger wig. Ah! The Spoons! Screeched Bish. The Spoons! He could have stayed undercover. Yeah, what's going on? The spoons.

Why does he know the spoons? Ah, the spoons, screeched Bish. Oh my God, so funny. And what, that wig was fooling him, was it? Spoons pulled his spy gun out of his furry sporran as Bish screeched. Get him. Killched. Get him. Kill him. Murder him.

Assassinate him. Homicide him. Toten him. What one? Toten him. Do you think it's German for kill? Kill. Not so fast, Bish, Spooner said

as he grabbed the adequately scrubbed up Petra. That's got it in for Petra. He took her in his elbow and pointed his minigun to her breasts. Ha, ha, ha, more ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bish laughed. Is you think I care about the Petra? She is a seven. You're not exactly a ten yourself, my darling. Rotten old man. You're barely a one. Oh my God, you bag of old curdled eggs.

You massive pickled onion. You sack of fermented trout. You can pickled onion. You sack of fermented trout. You can't judge. Spooner sweated. What was he to do? He had hoped his Petra-shaped threat would have been enough to make Bish rethink his evil ways, supply himself to the Allies

and live out his final days in a fishing village off the German Riviera. He's really thought it through then, great. Why don't they just shoot Bish, not to death, but... In the leg. In the leg. Yeah, he's rotten anyway, I mean... He's not going to miss it, is he? But what I mean is, he can't run away because he's Bish.

They absolutely have the authority to detain him. Yeah, he's an evil bad man. Yeah, don't you know... He's an absolute bad man. Don't you normally grab someone else and threaten them when you're being threatened? And it sounds like Bish has just sat there. Yeah, don't you know... He's an absolute bad man. Don't you normally grab someone else and threaten them when you're being threatened? And it sounds like Bish has just sat there

with an eye... With a mouth full of eye. Goat. The reality was that Spoons only had a licence to hurt. Oh, he's a 004.

To hurt. To hurt. Lic, he's a 004. To hurt. Licence to maim. I've got a licence to make you uncomfortable. The reality was that Spoons only had a licence to hurt, so was unable to fulfil his threat. So the threat

was as empty as Eleanor Rigby's funeral. They're getting laborious, aren't they? He's just goading us at this point. He's like, come on. so the threat was as empty as Eleanor Rigby's funeral. I mean... They're getting laborious, aren't they? He's just goading us at this point. He's like, come on, what have you got? Trolling. That's quite a good one, though.

Are you okay? Am I losing the will to live? Spoons just stood there. Great. Holding Petra as Bish's goons ran towards him. This was it. The moment he knew would always come. He was to die as he was.

In his father's father's father's kilt and smile. What? Not so fast, you nasty man! Shouted Belinda from the corner of the dining experience. You'd be like, not now, Mel! But with the NSX sword up. Shouted Belinda from the corner of the dining experience. You'd practice better lines. Not so fast you nasty man!

You'd have something a bit more zingy in the tank. She ripped the breast of her dress away and her brassiere was exposed. Because it got guns in it or something. The five and a half goons all stared at them juggling as Belinda did a shoulder shuffle shimmy. Sorry, what?

The goons? The five and a half goons. Five and a half? What five and a half goons? They were referenced slightly before. I literally think I blacked out. Right, okay, fine. The five and a half goons? They were referenced slightly before. I literally think I blacked out. Right, okay, fine. So the five and a half goons all stared at them juggling. So their tits are juggling.

As Belinda did a shoulder shuffle shimmy. Minimum three breasts, I would say, to juggle. So it's kind of like a little dance, isn't it? This shoulder shuffle shimmy. And it's so good, they're completely distracted. Yes, indeed. By her magnificent breasts. They were all transfixed by her tits.

They stopped the pursuit of Spooner and just gazed upon her orbs of flesh, tongues out and cocks hard. One at a time, they approached her for pleasure And each, in their truth, lowered their faces to her bosom There, they inhaled her woman shape and were happy But not just happy, drugged What did she put on them?

Chiara Montague had threaded special sleeping zest into the lace of Belinda's bra cuffs. Not the zest! Sleeping zest? Breast zest? I love that, though. And they do that in James Bond, where they have really specific gadgets. That's a very specific moment of peril. Yeah, exactly.

That may or may not happen, but actually does. So Ciara Montague had threaded a special sleeping zest into the lace of Belinda's bra cups. Even the slightest whiff and a grown man would be exploring the land of Nod within minutes. You'd think if a slight whiff knocked out a goon, then it would knock out Belinda because it's just

under her nose her bosom the entire time when she's you know running around going down slides and stuff

you'd think like some of that zest might reach her nostrils maybe she's put some sort of nostril plugs in though that's convenient has she

right I don't know if she has maybe we'll find out once all the goons were safely asleep. All five and a half. Yes. Belinda thanked the Norse gods again.

And Chiara Montagu was one. And grabbed Spoon's hand. Dragging the Scotch spy through a fabric painting, she made their escape. Through a what, sorry? A fabric painting. Would that be a tapestry? A tapestry. Right.

Oh, I love that fabric painting. What's it called? The Bayeux Tapestry? Where's Bish gone? I'm quite glad you asked that, James. Because the next sentence relates to that. Thank God for that. Bish had been screeching the whole time. The whole time it took five and a half men to be knocked out.

He's melting. Unable to move due to his chronic health mishaps. Mishaps. Due to his chronic, gross, internal situation. Oh, wait. Wait. No more Gentleman Wolfs. no more gentlemen wharfs. No more gentlemen wharfs. There's another gentleman wharf coming.

How would he ever have thought that he would get any sort of life insurance looking the way he did? Surely you'd want to hide the insurance from you at every moment possible. Honestly, he's hanging on by a thread. He just had to watch them sneak away. Foaming spit fizzing between his yellow teeth with the promise of revenge. So what, they've left him? They've escaped through the fabric painting. But why have they escaped through the fabric painting?

Why haven't they arrested him? Why haven't they arrested the terrorist leader? Why are they there? The frail terrorist leader. Who can't get out of his chair. Run! To the fabric painting!

He might fart again! Once Belinda and Spooner were clear of the evil schlosh, Spoons took over the spying. He grabbed the small Scottish blade for his lung. Who are they spying on now? They were right next to him.

They don't ever spy on him. It's the blind leading the blind. He grabbed the small Scottish blade from his long socks and spoke into it. Stupid walkie-talkie dagger. Within a flash, Mimi arrived in her trademark... Oh, my God. Fuck off, Mimi.

Mimi, could you go inside and arrest fish? Cheers. Within a flash, Mimi arrived in her trademark woodlouse car. What the hell is a woodlouse car? As big as a woodlouse. It's a woodlouse that they've carved out, but inside it's like a TARDIS. It's like the Spice Girls bus in the film.

Woodlouse car. Like a beetle. Does he mean like a Volkswagen beetle car? Sorry. Does he? That is his version of a beetle car.

I can't even look. I resign this podcast right now. A woodlouse. A woodlouse. That's so he doesn't have any legal complications.

They are not going to sue you if you say a beetle. And this is so Bond isn't it now? Yeah. Like in a classic car. Yes. Oh, the classic woodlust car. What are you on about? No, but I mean, they always

have a real statement car. Like a woodlust car. Listen, this is a statement. It's in the shape of a woodlust. It's a statement of insanity. Oh. In both, she shouted, and they of a woodlark. It's a statement of insanity. Oh. In! Both! She shouted and they obeyed her. They were racing

through the German land and Belinda was confused as to where they were going. Yes, I think we all are. She was also upset because she'd left her sales strategy report for the third quarter in her guest room. Fucking hell! My head is in my hands.

I don't know what to say anymore. Now, lost to the Bish Empire, she chewed all her nails at the thought of the Germans utilising a frying pan named Sam to engage children and therefore boost profit projections. What are you on about? They're marketing a pan for children. To use on the stove. that what he's saying?

That's the next big plan Oh my god, what a great innovation Get small, tiny, delicate children hands Near hot elements Brilliant What's a demographic we've never really hit? Children Babies upwards, brilliant

After a number of minutes and more seconds mimi stopped the car spooner took his tongue back from belinda's snatch and tucked his cock under his skirt skirt guilt so they've just been like having it off in the back snatch your dad said snatch snatch don't pull that face he said a lot worse yeah but snatch who taught him snatch like usually it's like fluorescent pink pillowcase or something it's not usually snatch so so spooly's talking back from belinda's snatch and tucked his cock under his skirt why have we stopped belinda asked irritated still she'd been loving the ticklish licking and playful nibbling of her upper and lower pussy. Oh my God.

We need to take this one to the top. Come with me. Belinda blinked. The duo walked through the doors of a German fast food establishment called It Curry Be Versed. It's not even a good play on words. It Curry Be Versed. It's not even a good play on words. It Curry Be Versed. It Curry Be Versed. It Curry Be Versed.

It Curry Be Versed. It doesn't make sense. Actually, it starts to really work as you let it seep in. Does it? It Curry Be Versed. It Curry Be Versed, which is obviously a play on it couldn't be worse. Which is not the sort of thing you'd want to hear. That's really good.

It couldn't be worse. Oh my God. It couldn't be worse. It curry be versed. So yes, it couldn't be worse. Sorry. So the duo walked through the doors of a German fast food establishment called It Curry Be Versed. One of the greatest establishments there is. But didn't order so much of a chip.

They just walked past the counter and through the deep fat fryer. They walked through the deep fat fryer. Through it. Okay. It's kind of like one of those speakeasy places that you get in. Oh, yeah. Where you always have to walk through the back of a butcher's or something. Yeah.

You open like a fridge door. Yeah. Just give me a drink. I bet you, yeah, I bet you hate all that shit. I'm not a fan, really. Their path took them beyond the shop and into a warren tunnel of which they walked down. The walls were deepest, darkest, sludge brown, like a bad avocado upon slice.

Or the inside of bish. Rotten. But soon they got quite posh, with both dado and picture rails plus skirting boards not dado my mum used to have dado what is dado it's like a piece of wood that goes

no I know but where is it on a wall above picture pictures around the top pictures top middle but soon they got

quite posh with both dado and picture rails plus skirting boards the works. Let's not forget it's a sex book. Yeah, yeah. A sex book. Well, she was just getting nibbled at in the woodlouse.

Is that what we're calling it now? Spooner led Belinda through a varnished door with red leather padding, not dissimilar to a tasty sofa bed. I don't give a fuck. Where are they? Who is at the top of the tree? He sailed past a pretty, if mousy, girl behind a computer screen

and marched Belinda through a hand-activated bookcase. Then, an eyeball-friendly portrait of the Queen Mother. What's eyeball-friendly? He means retinal scanning. Oh, okay. Eyeball friendly. The Queen Mother? How long has she been dead?

When did they come up with the technology and not change it from the Queen Mother? Suddenly, Belinda found herself in a large Victorian office room. It looked official. A body was sat behind a biggish desk a body their back to the duo a body a cadaver the body didn't move a muscle no it was a body you wouldn't say a body would did was speak oh there goes that theory my bad all it did was speak in a voice instantly rememberable my god i rememberized that that's really really bringing back those memories guys oh my god

what so in a voice instantly rememberable wait wait wait James who is it um

Sir James well he kind of is the top right yeah so it must be someone above him or maybe Bella oh my god

don't tell me it's Bill from HR. Please don't. We've never heard him speak, have we? Yeah, that's not rememberable. Mimi? Don't. No, they've just come from Mimi.

Shut up. Yeah, but she's like run out of the woodlouse and gone in the back door. I suppose it's Bish. Oh God. Go on. So all it did was speak. Speak in a voice instantly rememberable. Stop saying that!

I told you I'd one day come clean. The Duchess! And that is the end of the chapter. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What?

So the Duchess is at the top of everything. How can she be? Was it end of book one? Do you remember? There was literally a chapter called The Duchess Comes Clean and then she didn't really reveal anything. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

So book five, chapter what would it be? Eight. Pull back. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. So, book five, chapter, what would it be? Eight. Seven. Finally. Pull back. Can we get a pull up? But it kind of makes sense, because she was talking then, wasn't she, about there being some sort of higher plan or something? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Rocky. No, that's not what that was. Do you think? Because if Spooner, who's in MI5, has taken Belinda to this office. Yeah. And he said, what do you think because if spooner who's in mi5 is taking belinda to this office yeah and he said what do you say let's go to the top yeah i'm sorry what you think she's government do you think she's the prime minister i don't know but why do they care about my but remember in her house

in Epsom Hall she had all those kind of the dildo open the doors I don't know maybe there's maybe there's more to the Duchess than we thought

maybe she's not just a kinky little so and so maybe she's actually got and the horse box was quite high tech yeah maybe she's going to save the day oh my

sort everything out god because let's face it Spooner and Belinda are fucking useless Jesus Christ it really really curry be worse

or whatever it's called these books curry be worse yeah okay well things are actually happening that was quite eventful as well that chapter though I felt we got some

but why did like that could have been the end. If they'd just... That's probably Rocky just, like, deciding he needs to fill a few more chapters. But if they'd just grabbed Bish, that would have been it. Well, no, because they've still got Giselle to worry about.

Oh, yeah, I guess they don't know that Slince is dead, but... Wait, what chapter is this? Yeah, you were caring about Slince before. This is chapter seven. Well, how many chapters are there? There's 13. Why break a habit of a lifetime? Unlucky for all of us.

So we're only about halfway through. So this can't just be him like filling a bit. More stuff's going to happen. I know I never get it and I know I always forget stuff, but really just answer me this and I'll promise I won't ever ask you anything again. Why would MI5 and the government care about the balls of the bats? Well, do you know what? I think possibly because they... Why is he doing serious face? I won't ever ask you anything again. Why would MI5 and the government care about the bots and the bats? Well, do you know what?

I think possibly because they... Why is he doing serious face? I can't. James, tell him. Tell him. If he's going to do serious face... Now he's wagging his fingers. No, no, no.

They know that Slint has created the trioxygen... They get asked. They get asked. That could save the planet. My dad wrote up on Instagram... As per you, Alice Levine. Do the bits. Do the bits.

Yeah, we will be back next week to find out what the fuck the government or whoever the Duchess is. She could just be in a nice Victorian drawing room. Who knows? She's just the manager of Vic Curry Beversed. Exactly. For which you have to just swim through the hot fat of the deep fat fryer, apparently. But do come back next Monday.

And in the meantime get in touch uh email us at my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com uh we're on instagram my dad wrote uh we're on most things in some form of my dad wrote a porno aren't we yes twitter my dad wrote a porno yeah and all of those yeah all of them yeah facebook just for fun none of the handles are the same yeah exactly and don't forget we are coming back on the road. The tour in 2020. Have you got your tickets yet? We don't need tickets. Not to you, I'm saying to the listeners.

Oh, right. Rhetorical, James, rhetorical. I know that you're going to be there. You'll have a pass, hopefully, so that you can get onto the stage. Belinda's Dirty 30. So if you didn't come to see his last tour, you might not know. It's just a big party atmosphere. Yeah, it's brand new material from Rocky.

It's all about Belinda's 30th birthday party. What the hell is going to go down? Yeah, bring friends, come on your own. Just be there. Are you going to be the one person who says they weren't at Belinda's 30th birthday? Exactly. You can't miss it. She'd be so upset.

I mean, she probably won't know because she'll be shagging in a cloakroom or something. If you want to get tickets, then just go to my dad wrote a porno.com forward slash live if there's one thing you do that's a kind of gift to yourself it's come to one of the shows in 2020 that's so much fun i can't wait guys i can't wait i can't wait as well as much as you two can't wait more more rocky right so who wants to go and have some goat's head sour trout and bratwurst That is a concoction for a real gentleman wolf. Oh my God,

the gentleman wolf was literally never mentioned again. That's Rocky. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, Not the ideal weekend plan.

Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.