My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E8 - 'M's The Word'

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

Belinda makes a startling discovery about her closest confidant. // Come see us on our 2020 World Tour. Tickets available now via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance, mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We've reached chapter eight, guys. How have you guys been? Yes, good. Thank you. Very good. Yeah, not bad. I did get dumped last night. Oh, James! Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. You absolute fiend. No, but I just know that it's going to be an absolute scandal. By text. By text. Who texts? It's the modern

world. It's how it happens now. Everyone gets dumped by text. Well, I certainly do, more often than not. You know it's coming when you get a text and not a WhatsApp. Oh my god, SMS. How cruel. Yeah yeah so i've been seeing him for like i don't know a couple of months like off and on but he just went quite quiet on me and then last so i was gonna ask him how do you think things are going would you like to dump me basically preemptively dump and then he texts me and he was like you know uh i think you're really great blah blah but i got out of a relationship quite recently just a couple of months ago and to be honest i'm not really ready to be seeing anyone what i know and i was like why are we dating what is the point he knew that all the

time though he's known that the whole time but he didn't tell me deceptive little fucker james well i wouldn't go that far. I still quite... Is he handsome? He's really, really quite handsome. He's actually the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. Anyway, I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. Well, obviously that's not happening. Well, I was like, I won't...

Yeah, I won't hold you to it. And he was like, oh no, I'd still quite like to see you for a drink. What? No. I was like, why are we meeting? I was like, honestly, what is the point in all this? Sorry, what? You're going on a date even though he dumped you?

Well, no, it's more a drink because I want to... Why are you a doormat? I just want to quiz him and be like, where's your head at? Really? I really wouldn't. I think just cut it dead, to be honest with you. What are you going to get out of it?

It may be a blowjob, I don't know. Blowjob and a free drink? in that case go but don't don't litigate it too much james just move on you know literally the nicest man in the world gets dumped and then accepts an invitation to go out for drinks the next night to be like double dumped yeah oh wait will he then break up with you in person he's doubling down on the dump yeah he'll just he'll probably just give me more reasons. Exactly. Don't entertain it. It's fine. How great for your ego. Definitely go.

Just think of happier things like Belinda Blinked. Oh, yes. This will take my mind off it. We all remember what happened last week. What happened last week? Was it the fart? The gentleman woof. Yes.

No. Well, that did happen last week. But no, Belinda was... Alice just remembered the joke. Honestly. Which is my type of reporter. It's like it's new to me every. Honestly. Which is my dad writing porno. It's like it's new to me every time. That's why my brain is so great.

No, Belinda and Spooner went through that deep fat fryer in It Curry Be Versed and have found themselves in some sort of spy network. And who was behind the desk? The Duchess. The Duchess. Yes, I do remember now. But the chapter was about the fart. Lest we forget.

It was called A Gentleman Woof, which is a fart. It was, yeah. Yeah, the Duchess is revealed to be some kind of higher power, bigger influence in the world of pots and pans. I always told you I'd come clean. Are you really sticking to the idea that this is a callback to that? I don't know. But, well, he seems to have threaded that needle um so let's give him the benefit of the doubt we always give him the

benefit of the doubt well some of us do don't we alice no comment so what's this chapter called uh oh okay yes this chapter is called i love he does that like we don't do that every week oh yeah great idea i actually felt really encouraged by it yeah fuck, fuck you, James. Hey, I'm broken hearted. Sorry, sorry. Are you broken hearted? No, I'm sure I'll be on to the next one tomorrow. After the drink. I was going to say, you're on to the old one tomorrow, James.

Are there some waiting in the wings? There must be. Alice, I couldn't possibly say. Because of GDPR? Yes. They're entitled to their privacy. Yes. They're entitled to their privacy.

Okay, this week's chapter is called M's the Word. Ooh, intriguing. Could mean everything or literally nothing. It could. Are we ready? Yep. Belinda Blinked 5, chapter 8, M's the word. The Duchess smiled behind the ancient desk of intelligence.

It sounds more like Harry Potter every chapter. It's a capital D and a capital I of Desk of Intelligence It sounds like, was it the Master of the Keys? The anciently Grand Master of the Keys Sounds like he belongs with the Desk of Intelligence Yeah I know this must be a shock to you Me, little kinky old me being the overall head of British Intelligence Services.

Oh. So she's... M. She's M. M is the word. She's Judi Dench. She's Judi Dench. So it's what?

She's the head of MI5? She's the overall head. But wait, now he is just stealing stuff from James Bond. Yeah. I actually went to university with the son of the real life M. What? Yeah. Go on.

He was on my course and his dad was the head of MI6. Are you supposed to know that? I'm sure that's supposed to be like a bit of a secret. No, no, no. It's a political appointment, so it's common knowledge, but his dad isn't M anymore. So she's the overall head of all British intelligence services. So that's not just MI5, that's the Metropolitan Police. Yes.

She oversees... She's Cressida Dick's boss. Oh, infrastructure. All of that. And she's fannying around with jewellery most of the time. Yeah. Well, like we said last week, no wonder she's got all those secret rooms in her house. All of that information she must have She doesn't store it in cupboards in her house Jamie

I think they hold it in the building Yeah she doesn't need a special cistern or whatever it is that she's got Belinda was flummoxed Beyond all English words Understatement of the year baby I report only into the PM. Well, he actually reports into me. What are you suggesting?

She has sex with Boris Johnson. Well, this was written... This would have been David Cameron. Oh, God, I don't know. Rocking a hard place. Fucking hell. Imagine that threesome. You know what I mean.

But it's the truth. Honestly, the places I've put that red phone, Belinda, talk about an emergency connection. Oh, my God. Can you just Google the phone for me so I can see what it looks like? I guess it's like in the Cold War. Was it the White House and the Kremlin that had the red phones that connected? Oh, my God.

That's exactly what I'm picturing. That is old and rusty. Don't put that up there. Which bit? I don't get it. For whose pleasure? Her Majesty's, I presume. Plus, she's got a room full of fucking dildos.

Why is she using a big red phone? Don't we keep banging on about it? And jewellery. Sexual jewellery. So, the Duchess opened her legs under her electronic desk. It's electronic but ancient. Yeah, I was imagining like kind of a big leather bound... Maybe repurposed for modern needs.

Of course. As Belinda was a couple of feet shorter than Spooner, she saw every wisp of white hair poking... A couple of feet? I was just thinking that. So, if Belinda's like six foot she's four foot

she's definitely not four foot we've discussed it before maybe Spooner's like seven foot what seven foot five seven foot what a great height

for a spy he's like Jaws then just massive well they're both like Spooner's like four foot and Belinda's like two foot

that's unlikely I feel so Belinda's like two foot that's unlikely i feel so belinda's where in she's vag height yeah yeah that's how tall she is but the duchess is sat down as well so she's sat down vag height which is i mean oh no offense but you're so down i'm here for this very reason she's like as big as a baby yeah a bit A stood up baby. A baby is not a standard measurement. So is that a foot? A foot and a half. She's a foot and a half tall.

Oh no, her eyes are a foot and a half high. So she's two foot tall. Which means Spoon is three foot five. It doesn't make sense. To be fair, they've never had

their eye referenced before. Are we in Lilliput? Like, what's going on? I mean, it's fine, but it just would be good to know that they were as big as babies yeah we are book five belinda's two foot tall it would have been good to know before now dad as belinda was a couple of feet shorter than spooner she saw every wisp of white hair poking either side of her bulletproof knickers um so belinda's belinda's own pubic curls jived and tossed their excitement why is there so much pube focus this chapter yeah some pube on pube action she shook herself down electrocuting each horny strand of hair into stunned inanimate-ness.

Into what? Into stunned inanimate-ness. Oh my God, I can't speak. Into stunned inanimate-ness. Inanimate-ness? Yeah, yeah, say that. Inanimate-ness. Into stunned...

Inanimate-ness. Thank you. Are we going to get it? Come on, we need every word read by the sun. Okay. Electrocuting each horny strand of hair into stunned inanimate-ness. Yay! I'm not sure if that was a yay, but...

That's as close as it's going to get. The irony being, that is a word. And so many words you've said without a flinch that are completely made up. Yeah, that's the one that I can't do. It's like how Benedict Cumberbatch can't say penguin. Well, and you can't say Benedict Cumberbatch by the sound of it. You're having a mare tonight. I know. Sorry, guys.

Many of our best agents start in retail, Belinda. Really? Continue the Duchess. And I saw something in you immediately. No amount of mud from a medium-sized maze could mask your

power, Belinda. Oh my god, I love a callback. It's quite a good callback. So she saw her in the maze and was like that's a spy. She's been groomed. She's been groomed. Yeah. Well, I guess she has. Bid on by the Duchess. That's the reason the Duchess bid on her.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. But I can't believe she saw her, like, caked in mud and just writhing around like a madwoman. But maybe that's when she thought, you know, if she could handle that situation, she could handle being an MI5. Wow.

So why don't they recruit from mazes rather than from retail? Belinda shuddered. She couldn't recall the last time the Duchess had referred to her as Belinda. What does she normally... Oh, Madam or like... What is it? Mistress or... Mistress or...

Who knows? Who knows and who cares? Yeah, it's not really the important thing right now, is it? Wouldn't you be like, oh my God, I've been part of this master plan. This is insane. Oh, she's called me Belinda. She called me by my name. Oh, that's funny, yeah. She really calls me that.

Oh, cool. No, you have it. She didn't say she didn't, but yeah. Whatever it is, it's yours and within you what is this the lion king she genuinely thinks she's saying something really profound doesn't she spooner smiled proudly down belinda's cleavage from quite the height as the owner of the breasts beamed in arrogance. Our sources... Oh, no.

No, no, no. No. I'm going to read it, then I'm going to talk about it. Okay. That's kind of what we do. You need some extra information. Welcome to the show. To the format.

To the format. Our sources in Rotterdam have faxed over some information. It's already great. He's spelt sources, S-A-U-C-E-S. As in Bernays, Hollandays. Tomato. Exactly. Sources.

Our sources in Rotterdam. Just imagine little jars of sources in Holland, faxing over some information. This just in from Hoisin. Our sources in Rotterdam have faxed over some information. The Duchess continued. Not Agent Helga of the American FBI unit, ma'am. Bloody hell, this is all coming together and it's blowing my mind. No, Belinda.

Oh. No, but do you know what I mean? Like, everything's starting to tie up. I wouldn't say everything. I don't really get it. Wait, is that why Helga's mayonnaise the sauce is? Is that that?

It could have been, except that it was James that said that her little special sauce was mayonnaise. So Belinda says, not Agent Helga of the American FBI unit, ma'am. No, Belinda. No, shut up. It turns out of the American FBI unit, ma'am. No, Belinda. No, shut up. Yeah.

Blab. It turns out Giselle and her ex-brother-in-law have escaped the continent. Oh, they've left... Europe. The mainland Europe. The mainland Europe. That seems very quick. They only had dinner.

Didn't Bish, like, fart in the starter? I'm not agreeing to that. How long was the fart? That gentleman was barking for quite some time. It really lingered. No, Belinda. It turns out Giselle and her ex-brother-in-law have escaped the continent.

The mission is to find them and rescue slints if i was the overall head of british intelligence services i wouldn't give a shit about slints well good because he's fucking dead yeah and i have a question on that so how do they know that the two of them have left the continent but they don't know that slints is dead makes a fair point well maybe they were just bugging and tracking their car didn't know that slints is dead makes a fair point well maybe they were just bugging and tracking their car didn't know that he was dead inside the car i don't know or were they like holding slints and like like a puppy hello everybody not forgotten about the trioxy blue orange that's for sure but you're right why do Yeah, I mean, she's head of everything.

Although there have been what are essentially terrorist attacks because of it. Do you know what? Actually, you're right. That was a terrorist attack, which would be quite high on the list of her priorities. National security. She maybe doesn't care about a new set of pants for her, but she might care about people's lives. Also, she was there at the...

She was galloping through the bodies. And also, she's a member of COC as well, isn't she? Yeah. Isn't that a... You'd say it's a bit of a... Conflict of interest. Conflict of interest. Cock-flict of interest.

What about Bish, ma'am? Asked Spoons. Leave him for now. He's complicated and protected within the trading partnerships of the ICA. The Institute of Contemporary Art. Spooner looked confused. International Crockery Association.

Oh, for fuck's sake. And they are a powerful lobby. You don't want to mess with them. It's like the NRA. That bone china lot. Oh my God. Why do you think we all still use crockery? Oh, you're right.

It's insidious. It's a racket, isn't it? I've got side plates. I've got it all. International Crockery Association. Belinda said smugly. They're nasty bastards, honestly. So there's someone higher

than Bish because I thought Bish was kind of top of the tree but like god this is a complicated like mafia network

well no I think I read that as that he's kind of because he is a big trading block he's protected within this kind of international

block Klaus Bloch Klaus Bloch oh my god it's all making sense wait the Schweinsteigers no

bargain basement where do they fit in please don't make me boycott them no but I think because he is a actual legit business he is protected within

international trading what are we talking about what do you mean this is an actual legit business oh my god oh god my face hurts so i totally forgot i've been dumped you haven't yet that's tomorrow international crockery association belinda said smugly

erotica guys just keep that in the back of your head. Hey, we saw some old pubes. You're not wrong. And some young pubes got electrocuted. If you love a static pube, this is the chapter for you. A stunned pube. My files lead me to think that you will be invaluable, Blumenthal. After all, cock needs you like you need cock.

Very good, very good. And by golly-oh-jolly, you'll get some. Golly-oh-jolly? Golly-oh-jolly. I enjoy golly-oh-jolly. And golly-oh-jolly, you'll get some. Guys, Belinda blinked. Oh, bloody hell.

What a dream. A real proper mission to somewhere so very far from home. Where? We don't know where we're going. Well, outside Europe. Could we be going somewhere exotic, though? Do you remember ages and ages ago, your dad said that he wanted to write a book in Saudi Arabia?

Oh God. That would worryingly make a bit of sense with the way this plot line's going. Spooner took her arm and started

manoeuvring her out of the book lined room. Get out. I'm just pushing her out. It's like, hang on, I'm in the middle of a conversation.

But are you ready? uttered the woman in charge. The other two froze still. I might have to find out for sure. The head of British Intelligence's eyes

sparkled into Belinda's azure retinas. Oh, come on. A good old-fashioned reconnaissance mission. Like when I took out Archibald Duncan. Who? Asked Spooner. Exactly. Now get lost.

Mission accomplished, if you know what I mean. Thanks to me, you don't know who the fuck he is. Exactly, get up She's funny I like her I can imagine her doing stand up

A nice tight five So who Our spooner Exactly now get lost spoons Also I smell a spin-off. Rocky's like lining his chest like the Duchess's Mission from years ago. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I would not put that past him. James Spooner bowed deeply. Her Majesty values you, worships you, and wishes you to be in her once again. What? We're in tricky territory, Rocky. Which majesty? To her dying day.

Long live Queen Vagina. At least make... At least make a vagina joke. Queen Vagina? What world are we in we You know what

That was another woman's name You know what he's done He's worried that he's going to get his head chopped off That knighthood is not coming down Queen Vagina Long live the Queen Vagina The Queen Vagina The Queen Vagina

To the Queen Vagina To Queen and cuntry Very good The Queen vagina. To the Queen vagina. To the Queen vagina. To Queen and cunt-ry. Very good. Thank you. Spooner, crying a nostril, left the room arse first. What? Crying a nostril.

So snotty-nosed. Why? Oh, because he's bowing to shuffling out bum away. Speaking of which, deadpanned Belinda Oh god Breathe the Duchess The Duchess's demeanour changed At the pace of a whiskey shot consumed And she began clawing at the floor

With her business shoes What like a bull? Wrapping your fat leg Oh my god Belinda clambered all over the desk of intelligence, shredding her dignity as she did so. At the same pace, the Duchess ripped her own clothes off like a Chippendale minus the cock.

So in every other way, she's like a Chippendale. I beg to differ. Well, to be fair, policeman's out. Belinda knew what to do down here. And her buttery fingertips rubbed... Greedy little guzzler. Greasy. Her buttery fingertips rubbed the Duchess's vaginal pleats with all the...

Pleats. That's new. Pleats. Very neat. Yeah. Neat folds. Very iron. Pleats. Very neat. Yeah. Neat folds. Very ironed. Yes.

Very sharp. So Belinda knew what to do down here and her buttery fingertips rubbed the Duchess's vaginal pleats with all the wonder of a girl guide exploring her first ordnance survey map. Oh, wow. And that is a wonder. An absolute wonder. And something I think we can all relate to.

Oh, absolutely. I've never felt more in tune with a reference the duchess was as wet as a summer in manchester i mean that must that must turn your stomach though you grew up in manchester he's caught he's harking back to those times every time it rained he just thinks a woman getting turned on yeah big wet vagina if you're in manchester and it is, he just thinks, a woman getting turned on. Yeah, big wet vagina. If you're in Manchester and it is raining, then just think of the Duchess's vagina. It'll make those days easier to get through, won't it? The Duchess was as wet as a summer in Manchester, and her top secret bits were well and truly exposed.

They're not top secret, they're out more than bloody a face. She squalled in jolly murder as Belinda prodded, rubbed and poked her to the islands of the blessed and back. A prod and a poke. That's not,

that's not right. The islands of the blessed. And back, a return journey to the islands of the blessed. Where are they? Near the North Scots. That's where the North Scots live.

I assume so, yeah. As she finished kissing her hairless bum i would hope so as she finished kissing her hairless bum belinda asked the natural question so am i authorized for service then yes yes oh god I hate his face so much wind the duchess it's like his sex face it clearly is no it's my duchess in ecstasy

so yes it is yes yes yes wind the duchess yes you have the authority

to fly to Australia Australia down under that is quite far away from home she went down under Yes, you have the authority to fly to Australia. Australia! Down under! That is quite far away from home. She went down under so she could go down under. Hey, well done. Touché.

So, yes, yes, you have the authority to fly to Australia. And with that, the Duchess collapsed behind the big red trident button. Oh, there's a big button, is there? And that's to do what? To just set off the trident missiles? Set off all the nuclear weapons. And she just collapsed right next to it. Great, good.

I'm glad there's no catch or no, like, sort of dead man's lever or like, there's like nothing. No codes. No codes. Just a big button. So there's a big red phone. There's a big red button. That's your biscuit. There you go.

It was hard to compute what had all gone on. You're telling me. She had to distress. Sorry. She had to distress. And there was only one way to do so. Sex. Picture this.

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Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance. Mind your business. your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. Roughly four hours, 44 minutes and 14 seconds later, very rough, Belinda was nibbling the edge of a tic-tac crunchy on the carpet of her central London apartment. Does he mean KitKat? Does he mean KitKat chunky? A ticTat Crunchy. Well, Crunchy is a brand, so he's fucked it there. Or if it is a Tit-Tat Crunchy. And a Tit-Tat's also a brand. A Tit-Tat. A what? A Tit-Tat Crunchy. A Tit-Tat Crunchy? Yes. Yum. So she was nibbling the edge of a tic-tac crunchy on the carpet of her central London apartment

a gift from a hamper from Madeline Chocolat Chocolate oh so that's a brand that's a brand of Chocolat Chocolate yeah a tic-tac crunchy

from Madeline Chocolat Chocolate but if I was Kit Kat or Tic Tac or Crunchy I wouldn't be able to move about the appropriation. If I was Kraft or Nestle or the other one.

Bella was next to her swallowing a custard cream donut in one. Wow. That's going to lodge in the craw, isn't it? That was from the local savours you spend on the corner.

This is such boring detail. Like, I don't care. What the corner shop's name is. I don't care what the snack is. I don't care where the donut's from. Get on with it. And the girls were happy. Happy in their friendship and happy that they were not dead.

This is filler if I've ever heard it. The end. Gradually, Belinda's mouth moved from the sweetness of the treat

to the treat of the sweetest pussy in Greater London. From the sweet to the treat from the pussy to the mouth of the sweetest

treat little baby in town. Say that again. Gradually, Belinda's mouth moved from the sweetness of the treat to the treat of the sweetest pussy in greater london in greater london why is he so brilliant. Bella's undercarriage was juicy and pleasant to the taste buds. I'm not sure that's true. And Belinda... Not casting aspersions. And Belinda wasted precious little seconds

in tonguing it all the way to a full rounder. Oh, my God. What does that mean, from front to back? Your dad loves rounders. That Flintstone game of rounders on the beach next time is going to be a little bit hard to handle. They were not on the carpet for pleasure or for ease of access,

but because they were watching telly. Well, hardly. They're going to have to rewind, aren't they? Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella's. Telly! Oh, Bella, what do you like doing? Telly! Oh, OK.

Any hobbies? Telly! Anything in particular? Telly! Web is on! When, in an erotic novel, do you get to know the minutiae of someone's spare time so well? I feel like I'd know what dishwasher tablet she used.

What's she watching? Oh, well, it's not going to be a documentary, is it? It's Home, Sons of the Ham. It's like daytime TV. Oh, yeah, Bargain Hunt or something. I know what she's watching. What? White Noise.

She hasn't even flipped it over to a channel. Or just that girl with the doll. The test card. The test card. Who? How old are you? Where are these books at? Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella.

Who even says Telly? But Belinda was unfamiliar with its treasures. She's unfamiliar with Telly. Are you serious? She doesn't know what Telly is. Belinda was unfamiliar with its treasures. She's unfamiliar with telly. Are you serious? She doesn't know what telly is. She much preferred to practice decoupage in her downtime. Oh, so, wait, we thought we were maybe in the 80s,

but we're in the, I don't know, 1800s? What's decoupage? Cutting out things from magazines and sticking them to bits of furniture. Bella! No, that's Bel Linda's first time. Making, like, scrapbook spaces. No, on, like, tables and chairs and stuff. Decorating surfaces of furniture with cut-out pictures, generally, of flowers,

and then putting paper paste over the top and varnishing it. It's too... Honestly. This is not true! We've never known her to do that. They're the best. They're the best two women I've ever met. They're so wonderful.

Long may they live. Their shitty little lives. I'm so glad she didn't die what's that what's what you're telling me I'm putting this back in a table covered

whole piece of magazine oh god they'd be like the cutest little couple oh my god no aspersions cast on those that enjoy

no exactly the combination of the two oh god James we lost you there for a sec I cut them

I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut them I cut for a sec. I got them. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. That was just brilliant. So she much preferred to practice decoupage in her downtime, but even her historically acute senses had been pricked by the images flashing up on her 4x4 inch TV screen. It's not 4x4, it's 4x3. Okay, thank you James.

Nerd. Also the tiniest TV ever though. Yeah, inches. Why is it the size of a ye olde photograph? Suddenly, midway through the licking. Oh, of the decoupage? Of the vagina. Suddenly, midway through the licking,

Bella grabbed the battery-powered channel selector and pressed up. The remote, yeah. Bella changed channels. Oh! She squealed. My favourite! Cosmo macaroon james cosmo macaroon is her favorite show what the fuck is cosmo macaroon james Cosmo! What's Cosmo Macaroon?

And why is it Bella's favourite? My favourite, Cosmo Macaroon. She sang the truth. But Belinda was all fingers and toes. Who? She asked genuinely. Yeah. Thank you for asking for all of us.

Oh, God, it's like a CBBC show, isn't it? Who? She asked genuinely. Cosmo Macaroon. Yeah, we heard. Only the biggest telly chef on the globe. Telly chef. Cosmo Macaroon.

Cosmo Macaroon. My apologies, I've not heard of him. Well, he's the biggest telly chef on the globe. No, I should have. I really should have. Barked Bella. Offended on Cosmo's behalf. Oh, Coolio.

Coolio? Is he on it too? He's today's contestant. She snuggled into Bella's many folds and began twirling her stringy clit with all fingers. Stringy? It's not long, is it? It's quite short. That's got to be a lot to take in for you. Stringy. It's not long, is it? It's quite short.

That's got to be a lot to take in for you. Stringy. Oh, he's doing deep breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. You can watch an episode of Cosmo Macaroon when you're done. That could be a treat as a box set on iPlayer.

So she's nestled in there in her copious folds you say snuggle into bell as many folds and began twirling her stringy it's not it's not stringy it's not stringy so as cosmo set about defileting a common carp do you even eat a common carp you don't really see carp on the menu very... Common carp. It is common as muck, that carp. Ah, okay.

This is interesting. We've never done this before. Oh. Uh-oh. Now, be careful when you de-gut the little snapper. You don't want to infect the flesh with his intestines. So we're going to meet Cosmo in Australia. I mean, that's what we're getting to here, isn't it?

Oh, of course. Why am I so slow? That's why we're setting up Cosmo. Belinda stopped and listened again. The accent. She knew it from somewhere. Australia. Must be her days down under.

Or just neighbours. Or just knowing accents. Oh, because she did work down, did she work in Australia? She did. Where?

The clothing company that's on her CV. PTY? Yes. International Clothing PTY. Was that what it was called? I can't remember, but yeah,

it was definitely a PTY because that was the Australian kind of classification. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's got an Australian background. She's lived there for a time.

Which I guess is maybe why the Duchess wants her to help. I don't know. No, probably not. So she knew it from her days down under. Which is funny that we've not talked about it at all in five books and suddenly very convenient that it's coming up. And also, we wouldn't have known that if we hadn't have read her CV in a footnote. It's not even been in the books.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Rocky, as ever. Now, you want to chop his head clean off, but cape the gills for garnish. Some of it's good and some of it's patchy, isn't it?

Yeah, it does wobble. Cosmo continued. What are you keeping for the garnish? Some of it's head. The gills. The gills. The garnish. Alice, you're a phoebe. What are you keeping for the garnish? Some of its head? The gills. The gills! Alice, you're

a phoebe. What a beautiful garnish. What is it? It's gills. Of common carp. Now, you want to chop his head clean off, but cape the gills for the garnish. That's ridiculous. Cosmo continued. Bella

was orgasming highly Highly Oh yes Cosmo please more Feel those scales And taste that fishy offspring No no no no no No

I can't So three Two One Smish Oops Bashed a bit of the brain there Cosmo's very slapdash

no bother it all comes out the same hole isn't that right Pawsomes Pawsomes stay in that Pawsomes

mmm hell yes and fuck wretched Bella wretched she's vomiting dry heave

well she's watching somebody smash a fish's brains out, so it might be related to that. It's a bit of a boner killer. So, three, two, one, smesh. Oops, bashed a bit of the brain there. No bother, it all comes out the same hole. Isn't that right, Pawsomes?

The brain should never come out of a hole. Bella's eyes were rolling somewhere near her cranium and Belinda's fingers were entwined in lady cum, the consistency of fresh snot. FYI. Lady cum. Lady cum. Lady cum.

Come, come, my lady. Come, come, come. Is that what that's about? My lady cum. Just then, as the sizzle of trout hitting butter plus heat... I thought it was carp. Oh my God. Not so common a carp.

It's actually a very, very lesser spotted trout carp. Just then, as the sizzle of... Carp? Should I say carp? To be fine. Carp hitting butter plus heat sounded. Belinda stopped dead. Licking her fingers clean, she wiped...

Wiped what? She wiped Bella's crotch on the carpet. Like a dog when it drags itself on the floor on its arse. Not even wiped the carpet on Bella. Wiped Bella on the carpet. How? and wiped the carpet on Bella? Wiped Bella on the carpet?

Yeah. How? Licking her fingers clean, she wiped Bella's crotch on the carpet as a wave of realisation, unlike any she'd ever thought before, crashed over her. Oh my God. Get on with it.

What? Bella, look what he's using to cook with. Pots! And pens. Bella Gatsby. This is so slow. Great to have you here, Bella. Don't know what we'd do without you. What's her position again in the company, Bella? Oh, funny she'd say that. Precisely key account manager extraordinaire S. Bullshit. Belinda muttered. I've never seen Slept Your Way to the Top more than Bella.

I was like, it's muttered. Precisely key account manager extraordinaire S. Belinda muttered as another thought, as clever as a con man, tangoed across her brainchild. Fucking hell. I honestly, every other word is ludicrous. I can't. I mean, I feel like we're not pulling our weight but like what do we say there's nothing to be said at this point what do you say say Bella have you got your passport on you I'm gonna need you on my very important mission don't take Bella

why take Bella but it's like I did just come out of a coma two days ago she's literally still got a hospital band on she's probably still on an IV I hate Bella. Bella's like, I did just come out of a coma two days ago. It's quite safe to talk. She's literally still got her hospital band on. She's probably still on an IV. Bella blushed. And that is the end of the chapter. That was jam-packed with shit. It was kind of a chapter of two halves, wasn't it?

There was all of the MI5 stuff with the touches. And then all that bullshit about the car. Cosmo Macaroon on telly. I have so little time for Cosmo Macaroon, I can't tell you. Yeah, it was a real shit sandwich, wasn't it? That everything's made of shit. The bread. It's all just shit. What a time to be alive

yeah can't wait to meet Cosmo Macaroon do you think we're going to meet well yeah we are at least so Spooner, Belinda and now Bella

are all going down under to Australia what could go wrong ladies and gentlemen this is mad because we're going down under to Australia

in January oh yeah for our tour yeah do you think that we can find the person that Cosmo Macaroon is based on? Because there will be someone. There's going to be an Australian TV show that Rocky's seen here in the UK. And not just Australia, obviously.

On the tour. Yeah. Shall I do a little plug? Oh, do it. Yeah. New Zealand. Yes. America.

Canada. Ireland. UK. Europe. Everywhere there's perverts, basically. Exactly. Exactly. And we're celebrating Belinda's 30th birthday,

so it's going to be a real party. Just maybe not the kind that you'd like to be invited to. But you're coming anyway. Oh, my God, decoupage for days. Decoupage and strippers. You can get tickets and all of the dates on our website, mydadreadtoporno.com slash live. Guys, for a change, you would just not mention the socials.

I absolutely don't want to. Me neither. You know where they are. You know where to find us. Well, there's not much left then. What do you want to do a change, you would just not mention the socials. I absolutely don't want to. Me neither. You know where they are. You know where to find us. Well, there's not much left then. What do you want to do? Well, what would Bella do? Tell her.

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