My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E9 - 'A Flying Machine So Pretty'

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

Belinda and Bella make their way to Australia to find Giselle and bump into an old friend en route... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alison James, you're here once again. Unbelievably, you're coming back week after week. Well, technically you two are here because I live here. Oh, that's true. of hijacked your house so yes i'm always here thanks so much for the tap water you're welcome do you see how the quality of the snacks provided is nosedived remember at the beginning george ezra got dinner and now i'm like oh yourself you know where the tap is um how are you both well you must be in a

great mood you're the ancient house master of the keys. Mr homeowner. Yeah I've just bought a house very exciting. Got the keys yesterday. Yeah I'm actually really ill I've had the busiest two weeks of my life. It's lovely I popped in yesterday. Yeah it's got great potential is that what they? Yes it is a complete wreck that's true yeah. A doer rupper. Yeah and you've got a sex dungeon. I've got a sex dungeon i've got a sex dungeon oh wonderful you could paint that labial pink we didn't know whether there was going to be a cellar or not sex dungeon and because the estate agent wasn't sure and there was just kind of like a shoot so he was like oh i wouldn't i wouldn't go down there like like a sex shoot

a coal shoot uh but my dad came around to the house before i bought it and he was like what's out there some coal shoot and he like he opened up this whole trap door and he walked down there and i just heard there's another fucking house down here jimmy we all went down there and uh yeah there's like a whole ten minutes he'd excavated it i'll tell you rocky's like a sniffer dog when it comes to sex dungeons he will find it can. Can we stop calling my new cell a sex dungeon, please? Sorry, sorry. To become. But yeah, thank you very much.

Very exciting. Well, congratulations. Many congrats. Now, enough about you. Yeah. Belinda. Yes. Remind me where we left her.

We left her. She'd just met the Duchess, who was the head of overall British intelligence. Of course. If we remember that. And she's been given the mission to go to Australia because they have sources that have said that that's where Giselle and George and the body of Slintz, they don't know it's a body yet, are. Yes, they got sources within minutes of Giselle leaving the Schloss.

Yes, yes. They knew where she was heading. These sources are better spies than both Belinda and James Biffner. Unless we forget, they could have just got them at the Schloss. That's true, yeah. And who are the they could have just got them at the Schloss. That's true, yeah. And who are the sources? Maybe someone who worked at the Schloss. So does that mean, like,

Bish is out of the equation now? Is Bish kind of, it's like, oh, don't worry about him? Well, the Duchess said something about he's kind of not a priority because he's protected by some sort of international trading partnership, right? Oh, yeah, ofs.

Yeah. Sexy, baby. So maybe, yeah, focus has been shifted to George and and giselle maybe i but i don't know this is still the big baddie though because he's the one that's payrolling the whole thing yes quite okay so are we ready to to find out what happens next i don't even understand what's happening now but yeah let's find out what's happening next well it beats a bit of telly and decoupage oh my favorite oh god 24-hour flight to Australia, here we come.

Oh, if we hear about that real time, can you imagine hour by hour? Hang on, Joy, I don't know what the chapter's called. Oh, for Christ's sake. I would saddle up. Hour one. The takeoff or something. The chapter is called a flying machine so pretty

so many hours of my life wasted okay i knew we wouldn't go straight there i knew it okay let's do it belinda blinked five chapter nine a flying machine so pretty Chapter 9 A Flying Machine So Pretty Belinda was in Tony's office. What? She hasn't even left for the airport. Pack your bloody bag. I have to just apologise as well, guys. I'm a bit ill today. There's been a lot going on. so if my accents and my voice work

isn't quite up to snuff then I apologise up to snuff? up the juff? what? is that not a phrase? up to snuff? up to snuff?

that's just something my mother used to say okay so Belinda was in Tony's office he was shuffling his feet Tony never shuffled his feet uh oh it's a sign it's not good news Belinda Tony's office. He was shuffling his feet. Tony never shuffled his feet. Uh-oh, it's a sign. It's not good news, Belinda.

Sir James has had a heart attack. Not another one. All the old men are dying. Cold, James Cooper, cold. What? Exploded, Belinda. That's impossible. I checked his pulse myself post-bomb blast.

Oh, well, yeah, surely that's going to absolutely be a surefire way to ensuring he doesn't have one. I blame stress levels. Blueprint stolen. Prof slints in shackles. And that bloody sex nympho, Countess Zara. She's worn the old bugger out. What? Zara was shagging Godwin? Apparently so.

God, Godwin does all right for himself, doesn't he? Yeah, she's a bit of a sore, isn't she? Hasn't he also bonked Bella? Bella at some point, yeah. Jeez. Belinda blinked. There's nothing we can do about his sex life, Tony, she retorted with reason. Such reason. But, said Tony, the issue is I'm going to the International Crockery Association conference in Sydney tomorrow.

Oh my God, stop making up boring things. Except I'm not. If the old codger pops his plimsolls, I'm in charge. Tony's the chairman. I can't be seen in Australia under these circumstances, Belinda. I'm afraid this leaves you as our representative. Well no, surely this is exactly when you would step in no it should be in Sydney but why would it be bad for him to be seen there because his chairman's dying and he's if he's like out partying and stuff it's like it's not very respectful it's not partying he's at the international crockery association conference have

you been to the international crockery association conference no it is wild if you think pots and pounds is bad fucking hell it doesn't exist james it doesn't exist soup bowls no but conferences in general they're just massive jollies and shag and shag fest shag fest everyone's drunk but i would have thought this is exactly the kind of moment when tony as second in command would step up like if your chairman's ill then that's when you absolutely would go well i guess he needs to be here to show support for the whole company, maybe, and the team. And maybe the stock price would plummet

if people knew that Sir James was ill. Maybe it's one of those where you have to put a brave face on. It's like succession. Yeah, it is like succession. Watch it, good. I think a bomb in the car park of the company would also make investors slightly concerned. Now's the time to buy Steele's stocks. They're ten a penny.

But hang on, sorry, one more thing. Belinda's already planning to go to Australia. Yeah, that's true. Has someone caused Sir James Codwin to have a heart attack

so that Belinda could go? So, Belinda, I'm afraid this leaves you as our representative. Here are your tickets and because of the Bish situation we're sending Bella along as your bodyguard.

Oh, great, good. Bodyguard! She's the Kevin Costner to Belinda's Whitney Houston. I will always fuck you. Belinda blinked. Stop blinking. She does blink a lot, doesn't she? Later, she thought a bit more about it.

Sir James was virtually related to the Duchess. Was this all a wheeze to get her and Bella to Oz? A wheeze. A wheeze. A wheeze. Was this all a wheeze to get her and Bella to Oz without arousing any suspicions? Arousing? Rousing.

See? Told you. Yeah. He's not had a heart attack. He's totally fine. Yeah, do you think it's all just the Duchess kind of pulling strings to make it look like Belinda has a legitimate reason to go to Australia? I thought you meant people just kept, like, jumping out of cupboards at him to try and make him have a heart attack.

But you mean it's all a lie. Okay, fine. But it wasn't long before Belinda was sat in the shortish bar in the superior class lounge of Heathrow's most glamorous terminal. Oh, she's gone up in the world. Do you remember when she was economy comfort class? Oh, my goodness. I mean, that was but three weeks ago. And what's she now?

Well, she's just in the superior class. Superior class. Again, not a class. And also just relative, like superior to someone yeah bella had to travel with the also rams as she was only a lowly key account manager and steel's flying budget was mean put her in the cargo hold honestly cut your losses i thought she got a promotion did she was she promoted to key account manager yeah

so she was receptionist now she's key account manager she's doing bloody well for herself still can't travel superior class no but her time will come that is quite common

though in companies isn't it there is a hierarchical scale of what class people can travel in well they can't just be spend spend spend do you know how much superior class is

I think this is a dig about when we flew posh class that time and Jamie was at the back do you remember I do remember that that was about 10 years ago Ih class that time and Jamie was at the back. Do you remember? I do remember that. That was about 10 years ago. I've never forgotten it.

Because I was just a lowly cameraman and you two were the talent, whatever that means. Was that when we went to Vegas? Yeah. Do you remember? We got bumped up. We were superior class. We were superior class. And Jamie was at the back with loads of loose chickens and cattle and stuff.

And were the people you sat with all right? They were a very, very large couple. And I'm no beanpole myself, but they were sizable and they brought their own Wendy's on board. What's a Wendy? Oh, the takeaway. And it really, you know, like warm kind of been in a bag for a while.

Well, literally through all of security. Can you do that? You get a Wendy's through security. So a sweaty Wendy's next to you. A sweaty Wendy's next to me. Oh my God. Next to two very sweaty Wendy's. Yeah yeah it's a long flight as well it was horrible oh sorry about didn't we oh it was lovely wasn't it we had a little bucks for us when we sat down like drinks even when you didn't ask for them i know love that hot towels never had a hot towel in my life

refreshing and you two didn't even bother to come and visit me once you did actually come to visit us and you got shooed yeah i wasn't allowed to go up there they they don't let you there's like a steel curtain and they're just like sorry don't go back there that was the first time that i'd ever even turned whatever way we turned we went up some stairs didn't we and yeah we did i loved how officious they were i was like yeah get rid of him god knows where he's come from shoo him back but to be fair have you ever flown with alice because i'd rather be sat next to some sweaty Wendy than sat next to Alice. What's that supposed to mean?

Than this sickly Wendy. Yeah. Well, you don't travel very well. Although when we've been traveling together recently, you know my new method is to go to sleep before it's taken off. Yeah, which is brilliant for us. It's amazing. How do you sleep for so long?

It is a real gift. My upper limit is 14 and a half hours. That's two nights worth of sleep. I don't even know how you do that. And I do do it sitting. Oh, yeah. So she's in this superior class lounge at the Shortish Bar. Okay.

Please kindly may I indulge in your finest lowland mineral liquid for the dehydration on board this devilishly long flight. Why is she talking like that? She's trying to be posh and superior. Can I have a glass of water? You are. Scratch the surly air hostess, come bar girl. Come bar girl.

Just give me a water. Why would she say it like that? Because she's undercover? I better not use words I'd usually use. What that is for the dogs hello is that gregor but it actually wasn't is it cold is it a countess what that is for the dogs belinda turned to her barstool neighbor looking for the the Italian voice just uttered. Italian? That was Italian? What? That is for the dogs.

Oh, there we go. Is that more it? I love the hand that came with it. Great. Yeah, it's both. Imagine Jamie being very rude in a restaurant and trying to get a waiter over. Belinda spluttered.

Countess Lucia! Oh, my good gods of the Norse! See? It's me! Obviously. Said the royal as she decanted. The royal? She's not really, though, is she?

Sorry. Remind me who Countess Lucia is. So she was in Buckley's with them when they got smoke up she got the smoke up the arse that's the last time she saw her last time I saw you

you again a bong right up your butt I know up Lucia's was it not yeah it was yeah absolutely so this is quite

the reunion yeah see it's a me said the royal as she decanted a couple of bottles of champagne into a tea flask. Very royal behaviour.

She'd be the kind of person that James would get lumbered sitting next to. You always sit next to a live one, don't you, on the plane? I do. Oh, yeah. What brings you to the Platinum Hornbill Bar, dearest Belinda? Hornbill. Hornbill. Platinum Hornbill.

What brings you to the Platinum Hornbill Bar,ill platinum hornbill what brings you to the platinum hornbill why are you mario from super mario or wario you're the evil one you're evil wario you stopped abruptly there is that on purpose it is actually alice that's noticing why what bringing you to the platinum horn bill bad there is ballet suddenly contessa lucia froze stunned to stone expensive bubbles cascading all over her georgie armanio silk suit covered himself you are allowed to reference brands like you are i'd say somebody's wearing georgio armani that's all right yeah we know what it is. Does Rocky is the question. Quite. Maybe he doesn't think he's changed it.

He's just seen it on some market store somewhere. Oh, there it is. That's a great brand. I'll put it in the book. Contessa? Contessa Lugia, my love! Oh, my God, what is going on? No one can know you're here, Sp said behind her ass behind her ass was he under was he on the stool was he under her i'm confused who's where who said the previous line that was belinda

obviously right because she's worried about the contest of lucia who's just frozen like stone are you following us james are you okay because she's seen spooner no she's just frozen she's just looking startled so belinda's like what's wrong and then and then spooner suddenly is behind belinda saying no one behind lucia no behind belinda's arm oh god okay contessa contessa lucia my love says belinda then spooner says no one can know you're here right he said behind her arse when she swivelled round on it

Belinda saw him twiddling a three foot four stun gun in his knuckles in his knuckles that's quite hard to do isn't it

three foot four three foot is that a metre that's half a person isn't it three foot long stun gun at an airport best of luck look forward to that Is that a metre? That's half a person, isn't it? It's like something from Men in Black or something.

At an airport. Best of luck. Look forward to that shot in the head, Spooner. So he's twiddling this three... Twiddling? It's massive. Twiddling a three foot four stun gun in his knuckles. Does he mean inch, do you think? What's a stun gun?

Did someone say something from Men in Black? Yeah, it sounds like something like that. What, the one that wipes your memory? Well, just one that makes you just freeze. Guys, Men in Black was a fiction. Oh, because Melinda Blink is pure fat. Oh, that's where I'm going wrong. But she knew no wrong.

Wait, she hasn't actually turned to stone. She's fine. Oh, he stunned her. Oh to stone. She's fine. Oh, he stunned her. Oh, right. She has actually. With a stun gun. Oh, stop. My God, how slow are you two today?

Great. So, I was thinking, why is she like, Lucia, my love, if someone just stops mid-sentence, you just wait for them to finish the sentence. But she's quite literally. Been stunned to stone. Richard Lacoboard. So, the stun gun, yeah, just... Stunned her. Oh, my God.

Stun gun. Stun gun. Stunned her to death. Three and a half hours. Stun gun. But she knew no wrong, Belinda exclaimed, secretly thinking of ways to forge the Contessa's last will and testament.

That's love. and testament that's love no matter she'll arise in 17 minutes and remember nothing when she does not not a thing this contraption is not a thing like ta-da cool like ta-da because when you go ta-da that has that same effect doesn Wipes your memory for the past 17 minutes. Well, how much is she going to forget? How far back is the memory going to be wiped? Because I guess if you freeze someone's brain for 17 minutes... It's quite a substantial brain damage. Seriously, Danny.

Is he implying that you just don't remember the last 17 minutes? Oh, no, because you'd have to forget Belinda being there. Yeah. Yeah, how long does it... Yeah, James, good question. It's full Men in Black, this. So maybe Bond isn't his influence. Maybe it's Men in Black 2.

I'll take a bottle of your oaky-ish chardonnay. To go, please. To go. The air hostess come barmaid, nodded and obeyed. With a twinkle, Spooner downed his Brew It British beer, all in capitals, and... What a lad.

Wee. Spooner. And headed to the carzy to drop the kids off at the pool... The carzy! ...before take-off. I hate that expression. He's gone so lad all of a sudden. Drank his beer, went to the car,

dropped the kids off at the pool. Safely in her aeroplane seat... Oh, this is so slow. We're in the beautiful, pretty flying machine. Safely in her aeroplane seat, Belinda began thinking. She didn't didn't like it no she's not really built for it what if they really were to find giselle and it was down to her belinda blumenthal to pull the deadly trigger a coldness ran down her back it took a moment and a half to realise it wasn't fear. It wasn't even dread.

It was vodka. Someone spilled vodka down there. It took a moment and a half to work that out, that it was actually wet. Well, Alice, she's thinking, so she can't really do two things at once. Well, her brain's thinking, technically, so she should be open and ready for other things. A bloody useless air person had spilt it down the back of her easy stretch joggers and cardigan.

Air person's very contemporary for Rocky, though. Um, excuse me. I'm all wet. She barked. She's so act, this chapter. Oh, well. I'm sure you're used to it. Winked the air steward with a wink.

Winked him with a wink. Winked him with a wink. How dare the cheek. I demand to see the manager. Well, we're over international waters on board a flight in the sky, so there isn't really a manager. Well, there is a manager. Hang on, has it taken off?

Yeah, it must have done. She's just a gazette. Also, you've got a long old flight. Do you really want to hack them off now? So we're over international waters on board a flight in the sky. So there isn't really a manager. I just don't think that's true. Yeah, there's always like a cabin crew manager.

Yeah, they always go, thank you to Linda, Marsha and Tom, who are going to be your cabin crew today. And a special welcome to our World War passengers today. It's nice to have you on board we have some lovely selections of confectionery they're always so slow in the way they fucking say it we'll be coming around with duty free so why do they do duty free on a plane i don't want to buy it on the ground some people do buy it though don't they yeah james bloody spooner oh yeah true also you've just really hacked off all the people that do those announcements by saying they're so bloody slow you're gonna have them all on talking about your accent they can be slow some of them right very very few and far between you're saying it's

a skill it's a real skill and some haven't nailed it. Yes, James? They all have the same, like, the cabin crew who do the announcements adopt a kind of similar... Meter. To their voice, yeah. As do the pilots who are like, oh, we're cruising at 10,000, 20,000 feet. How far do we go now? About 65,000 feet.

We're actually quite close to the sun. We're currently in space. You're probably feeling some zero gravity. You're actually going to turn to dust, my apologies. And we're about to combust. Yeah, because they always go, it's barmy 14 degrees in London today. Always tell you the temperature.

Flying conditions are satisfactory. So there isn't a manager. Fine. The pilot then, smartass. I want to see the pilot. Sorry, I've lost my headphones. You can't just go knock on his door and go, sorry, I've got a bit of an aggy passenger. Can you come have a word?

I've got some vodka on and we're just getting really busy. Oh, no problem. I'll just put an autopilot. I'll be down. You'd just pop it in drive for a bit, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I literally don't know what I'm talking about. Did you ever get to go in the cockpit when you were a child? No, did you? No. I'm always jealous of those kids who yeah i literally don't know what i'm talking about did you ever

get to go in the cockpit when you're a child no did you no always jealous of those kids who did i don't really understand i actually was one of those i knew you were gonna be one of those kids you were smirking at me i was like they are really cool mr homeowner over there has been in the cockpit i was wearing like a biggles jumper we were flying to america when i was about seven and then the air hostess was like you look like you'll have to fly and so she took me in it was really cool what she just chose you

at random yeah and did you go in and push loads of buttons no no no you literally just get to look at it and then go back to your seat

what's it like the best thing is seeing all of the clouds it's really amazing oh you went in during the flight yeah yeah they wouldn't let you

do that anymore no no no this was a long time ago it'd be a bit rubbish if it was on the ground you'd be like I can see that for myself thanks mate cheers would you like to see the cockpit yeah okay i'll wait till we land and i'll come find you um so i want to see the pilot after a full-blown argument scuffle and a few tears

well she punched the flight attendant belinda found herself at the door to the cockpit waiting for it to open. Oh, yeah, definitely put a violent passenger in the cockpit with the pilot. Yeah. Brilliant. When it did, Belinda blinked. Who should be flying the plane? Oh, it's Bloody Hazel.

Only Bloody Hazel the pilot from books two and three. It doesn't say from books two and three. Oh, my God. Okay, we didn't remember. You can't say from books two and three. That just shatters all... Any illusion that we're reading a novel. Is that even in, like, brackets or something?

Or is that just... No, no. That's fully in the sentence. Just only bloody Hazel the pilot from books two and three. Exclamation point. What the bloody hell are you doing here? Do you know what I predict? A little revisit of B1, B2

and B3. Oh yes. Is Hazel the only pilot in the UK? Why is she flying every plane Belinda's on? She also flies long haul, short haul, Europe, Australia. Is that normal? And if she's not flying it, she's riding it. She's never not on a fucking plane.

Both women screamed at the top of their lungs. Oh yeah, that's professional. When the rest of the cabin see that she's just like... It's going to fill them with confidence. The pilot is screaming. I don't think I'd feel very comfortable. So, both women screamed at the top of their lungs. So as not to scare the chicken excrement out of the passengers,

the air steward calmly pushed Belinda inside and closed the airtight door. And shush now. Slowly pushed her off the plane into the sky. Well, I never. As I live, breathe and fly fly it's belinda blumenthal was that a voice don't even remember i don't remember what a voice was what was the voice i don't remember a saying very much last time but maybe you could do like a or like a pilot's voice i think she'd have to say everything like she was doing the announcement

and then well i never as i live breathe and fly it's belinda Blumenthal oh my god I'd love it if she talks like this the whole time they French kissed with extra tongue and who's extra tongue and Belinda looked at the motherboard of switches knobs and buttoned lights with anxiety oh don't worry about this Array spoke the experienced pilot it's perfectly safe

most of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog or GoldenEye for the N64 Spoke the experienced pilot. It's perfectly safe. Most of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog or GoldenEye for the N64. Did not see her as a gamer. Yeah. No. Or Rocky. How did you know about GoldenEye for the N64? Oh, we were obsessed as kids, weren't you?

Yeah, the full player version. Weren't you? Used to love it. Yeah, yeah. Felt like you were just shamed. Weren't you? Because you're not a real man if you. I felt like you were just shamed. Weren't you? Because you're not a real man if you didn't love that. Not at all.

Girls like games as well, Alice. Did you play GoldenEye on the N64? No, we had the... Cards. We had Uno. We had an Abacus and we enjoyed it. We had a Super Nintendo, which I think was the generation before, but we had it once the n64 came out so that's

when we got the super nintendo mario kart very nice yes very nice very nice can't fault it um donkey kong yeah yeah yeah cool spot he was just a spot with legs we had a playstation we had great no it wasn't a place we had a sega mega drive sega with sonic the hedgehog and he had to jump through loads yeah why did you say sega Sega. Okay, we all said Sega. Sorry. Sega. A Sega Mega Drive. A Sega Mega Drive.

Non t'endant. Johnny, can I play on the Sega? The Mega Drive. Mum, where's the PlayStation? Where's the PlayStation? So, oh, don't worry about this array. Spoke the experienced pilot. It's perfectly safe.

Most of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog or GoldenEye for the N64. Not Lemmings, I hope. Belinda laughed. That's very good. That's very funny. No, laughed Hazel. Definitely not.

The co-pilot didn't laugh. Oh, hello, Belinda said sexily, pushing her crotch into his chin. Who might you be then? He's like, do you mind? I'm trying to fly a plane in. I'm co-pilot Digby Dodd. Digby Dodd. Oh, my God. I've got this image of him like a an egg

no like in in the second world war when there were all those like flappy aviation hats and a a flowy white scarf with wire in it

I'm co-pilot Digby Dodd and this area is out of bones for passengers that's true oh where's he from Bolton

Bolton yeah I mean we are literally running out of accents for characters. Well, that's what I figured when I was like, Jamie is really going to have to start going deep into regions. Belinda laughed like a performing clown.

Her delirium was so prolonged, both Hazel and Digby Dodd looked at one another, questioning if she were fit to fly. Almost definitely not. Once she had regained her composure, Belinda asked the co-pilot how he found working under a woman. Digby said it was fine and a rather sexist question

coming from another woman of high-powered credentials and tits play. What does that mean? Coming from a woman of tits play. Is that... What language is that written in? Is tits play a place? Tits player place play you know like there's some funny named places it does sound like it does sound like it's an island baby yeah um county tits play from another woman of high powered credentials and tits play he'd heard the stories you see yeah

sure no i can see how you're trying to piece it together, but it still doesn't make sense. He's a podcast listener. This sparkled Belinda's eyelashes, and she suddenly got as frisky as a flea around a ripe cheese board. A flea? A fly, surely? A flea? What is a flea? Don't fleas live on skin? God, the skin of a brie?

I don't know. Well, quite. A ripe, ripe camembert. Well, I suppose I need a good enough reason to be in here then, don't I? Stick your cock into my pit, Mr. Co-Pilot Dodd. Oh my God, that can't be the first time that phrase has been used in porn. I bet it's the first time it's been used in a cockpit though, for real. True. Stick your cock into my pit, it's been used in a cockpit though, for real. True.

Stick your cock into my pit, Mr. Co-Pilot Dodd, and be warned it's deep, so I hope you're packing meat. Oh God. Disgusting. Packing meat. Deep.

Oh God, don't go in there, Dodd. Don't go in there. You'll never come out. Dodd, Dodd, Dodd dod he was lost somewhere above the pacific ocean it's like rages of the lost ark he'll be stuck in there forever she unzipped his trousers and took out his slinky and boy did it stretch out long don't call it a slinky a kid's toy that you play with going down the stairs a classic kid's toy all i can think of is that slinky. A kid's toy that you play with going down the stairs. A classic kid's toy. All I can think of is that slinky dog in Toy Story.

It shouldn't stretch quite so aggressively, should it? It sounds like concertina, doesn't it? Though girth-wise, quite impressive, a slinky. So she unzipped his trousers and took out his slinky. And boy, did it stretch out long. Oh, goody! She clapped excitedly. You'd be so patronised and turned off by that kind of reaction.

Goody. Goody. Yippee. Hazel, take a look at this runway. He's going to run out soon, surely. Oh, I've seen it. Hazel winked. Keeping her eyes on the clouds. But then she thought've seen it. Hazel winked. Keeping her eyes on the clouds.

But then she thought, fuck it. And she destroyed her entire pilot's costume to threads. They're putting the lives of hundreds of passengers in danger here. Threesome in the cockpit. What if they, like, knock a lever the wrong way? Yeah, that's true. Well, hopefully they don't. Her naked body was better than belinda had recalled it must have been all that access to hotel gymnasiums all over the world

yeah that'll be it yeah give me a taste of that plummy twat talking about her vagina or dots plummy plummy so fruity so jammy you Plummy twat. So fruity. So jammy. You plummy twat. That's what we call Jamie for saying France. Plummy twat. Give me a taste of that plummy twat. Mouth full of muff. Belinda slided out of her joggers and thong.

Slided. I love that that's the most offensive thing about what's just been written down. But he's overriding basic help, as we know. I mean, like, Slided's flagged, isn't it? Mouth full of muff, Belinda slided out of her joggers and thong and sat on Digby Dodd's hard cock with a ripple of electricity. Ah, that's what I remember.

And folds. What was that? Was that each ridge of the slinky? Ah. The barato, the voice is beautiful. It's just got a lot of H's after the R. Could you do it again? Ah, that's what I remember.

That's lovely. Such control. Thank you, Val Harris. That's what I remember. Her folds said to her brain satisfied. Her folds

said to her brain. As Digby's penis went up and down and back and forth and side to side and so on. Not all of those really. It's not like

stirring a spoon in a bowl. Belinda began to sweat and cream. Sweat and cream. Sweat and cream. Sweat and cream. That's a combo we've not heard. And that's a combo I won't forget.

Sweat and cream. So greasy. She's having a good time. Sweat and cream. That's like a kind of a wash and go. Spit and polish. Sweet and sour, isn't it? Because the sweat will be very salty and the cream will be very sweet.

Will it? Will it? Is it a creme pat? James is thinking that she's an excreted custard. Literally cream. It's unlikely to be dairy. Don't put that on your cornflake. Oh my God, literally thinks it's cream jesus christ so when you think somebody having creamed themselves you think of like

like cream in a can amazing oh sorry so belinda began to sweat and cream he was so good So Belinda began to sweat and cream. He was so good. Thicker than average. And she could... Like a slinky. And she could feel every pump and bump of vein inside her city walls. Wow.

Oh, God. City walls. You know how we lose a different group every week? Yeah. That's the civil engineers and town planners gone. Like, you know, it's just not right. I feel great. I mean, I started this episode not feeling great and I feel even worse.

Every vein, did she say? She could feel every pump and bump of vein inside her city walls. And what a city. What a beautiful, beautiful city. Those city walls have not withstood any. Those ruins. She was obviously still licking around Hazel's flappy wonderland. Obviously.

Flappy wonderland. You got your winter wonderland, you got your flappy wonderland. It's like a fun house. Isn't there a room that's got like flappy plastic bits? You're thinking of an abattoir, I think. Don't think of it as

the divide between rooms of an abattoir. I think of it as, I think we've discussed before, the kind of wardrobe between Narnia and normal life. It's kind of got a magical quality, I think. What, your flappy wonderland? I mean, mine, but also the way that Rocky describes him in general. So she was obviously still licking around Hazel's flappy wonderland

and was grateful for the added hydration, given the amount of moisture she was losing due to Mr. Bigger-than-statistically-normal below her. Oh, God. Still, though the pleasure was intense and the view spectacular. I can't think of a better panoramic view for a shag. It was a rather cramped space, and Belinda was wishing she hadn't let her Jane Honda advanced workout slip.

Fonda. He's put Honda. But also, what year is it? No one's doing a Jane Fonda workout anymore, are they? I don't know. I think that's still pretty bloody effective. Wait a sec. Do you have a VHS of Jane Fonda at home?

We did. Oh my God, there we go. Wait, does Rocky do it? I don't think Rocky ever did it. Rocky and Lycra with sweatpants lunging. I bet he loves a lunge. Like Mr Motivator. As I've said before, he's in great nick.

He is. So eventually, Belinda's stilettoed foot had to find purchase somehow, some way. And thankfully, she found some. Her heel locked onto a lever on the dashboard. No, no, no, no, no, no. And with each thrust, pushed it further oh god and further up i told you but each push caused the jumbo jet to fly higher and higher still until it was almost nose vertical and on a come on until it was really nose vertical on a one-stop trajectory to mars what a lever so so that lever is the one that makes it

turn completely on its axis back in cattle class bella was terrified and squawking for mercy well because they'll have all fallen out of their seats because it's not like the sign was on or anything. No. So Bella was terrified and squawking for mercy and food. I imagine actually even if you had your seatbelt on, you're still toppling, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to feel like,

you're not going to be like, no worries, got my seatbelt on, this is going to be fine. So she wants a snack, quite rightly, because to be fair, panic does weird things to you. Yeah. And sometimes it just makes you ravenous. But the food trays had been thrown up in the air gas masks were dangling from tubes and even reruns of hello hello couldn't calm the passengers when was the last time he was on a plane you can choose a you can choose what you want to watch these days and they've updated the catalogue in recent years.

It wasn't much difference in the cockpit. Only the chaos was of the filthy, squirting joy variety. You're not noticing as soon as that lever's pushed that there's a jolt. You're not stopping what you're doing as soon as that heel is wedged in there. Belinda was steaming. Hazel was panting. and digby dodd was coming an alarming

amount for someone 70 000 feet up 70 000 feet up james check how i i feel like you do you do 35 000 no that's is that too high okay i'm just googling how high 70 000 feet is okay so there's a plane called the u2 which if you fly at 70 000 feet which is twice the cruising altitude of commercial airliners it's high enough to see the curvature of earth oh my god no wonder the view was spectacular i mean a normal plane you don't just put the accelerator on and point it to the sky do you no yeah it's not apollo 11 wouldn't say it's built for it so digby dodd was coming an alarming amount for someone 70 000 feet up would it affect that then possibly is it thin you come give me a second does your cum thin at high altitude your sperm count is reduced. Oh, so really you'd come less.

That's what she's saying, though. She's saying he came a surprising amount for a man. For someone so high. I understand. So Digby Dodd was coming an alarming amount for someone 70,000 feet up. Nobody blinked. Don't mention it. They want to take in that breathtaking view of the curvature of the earth.

And that's the end of the chapter. What on earth? Literally. What an absolutely massive chapter. This one I genuinely feel like is not going to, like, that's the end of that. And we're going gonna move on to something else in uh it feels like filler i'm not gonna lie it does a bit doesn't it and also it feels as though he's binding his time like literally he's like i don't know what to do about

the other stuff so i'm gonna just write something while i while i think it up i've got myself into a real cul-de-sac so how do I reverse myself out? It's almost like he thinks he has to write every day but he's not ready to write the next bit so he's like I'll just do a bit on a plane. I also feel like we've been on the plane for a really long time. I do I feel quite like we've been in there with them. Well it was nice to see Hazel again. Oh yeah and what I've come to expect from book five is cameos and I'm loving them I really am. And if you are on a plane and you're worried about this happening on your flight I think it's impossible so I wouldn't worry too much a plane can't

literally go vertical and then up to 70,000 feet well I think if you are worried about it just go and knock on the door of the cockpit surely they'll just let you in yeah yeah particularly if you're screaming yeah scream and then just laugh manically while you're in there and then jobs are good and you'll probably have sex. We'll be enjoying air travel though, possibly not as much as Dodd, Blumenthal and No Surname Hazel. We're off on tour. We are and we're starting in Australia. Exactly.

So please come down under to see us. It's a brand new show, brand new stuff from Rocky. We're celebrating Belinda's 30th birthday. It's going to be an absolutely raucous evening. Just think what she does in her normal everyday life. On on a bog standard tuesday what she does is so crazy so what's she going to do on her 30th birthday exactly i dread to think so if you want to come party with us you can get your tickets now at mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live not just australia new zealand ireland europe america canada yeah it's going to be really fun

oh and UK and as always you can get in touch with us please if you're in the aviation industry we've thrown up a lot of questions that we'd love answered so please let us know you can email us at

mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com yeah we're on twitter at dadwroteaporno and hopefully completely different on instagram mydadwrotea now can I interest anyone

in a bowl of sweat and cream no different on Instagram. My dad wrote a. Now, can I interest anyone in a bowl of sweat and cream?