My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E10 - 'The Winner Takes It All'

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

Steele's Pots and Pans celebrate in the only way they know how before a shock decision changes one character's destiny forever... Come see us on our World Tour in 2022 (we're adding new US and Canada dates). All details at www.mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello! Welcome to the season finale of My Dad Wrote a Porno. We're at the end of book six. Dun, dun, dun. How do we feel? Dun, dun, dun. You two sound so...

Dun, dun, dun. You two sound so happy. I'm quite sad. I was going to say, you know, maybe we should get that cleared for rights, but no one will know what it was.

I don't really know what I think it was. It wasn't itchy. It was supposed to be dramatic. It was supposed to scream, like, you know, end scene finale

big finish and it screamed tone deaf out of time improv no you're sad James you're a bit emotional

I am sad just because I don't know it's gone by so quickly hasn't it I guess it's only been 10 chapters this time so it's felt a little shorter

yeah yeah it's been it's been it's sad been 10 chapters this time, so it's felt a little shorter. Yeah. Yeah, it's been, it's been, it's sad. But packed into those nine chapters has been so much confusion and complication and inconsistency and just general madness that it feels like so much longer, you know? It's true, it's true.

I'm actually intrigued now as well, given that it felt like the whole bish things, now he's in jail. On the way to jail. Oh. I don't know if that means anything. Oh, right. It's factually correct to say on his way to jail.

It feels like that now is wrapped up. I'm like, what's this chapter going to be about? Who's, because someone was knocking on the door, obviously, as we left. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, do you want to know the name of the chapter? That might help. Okay.

Well, we kind of want to eke this out as long as possible. We're going to do a bit more chat. Okay, then what else do you want to know? Let's do a bit more. Alice, this is your forum. You be Well, we kind of want to eke this out as long as possible. We're going to do a bit more chat. Okay, then what else do you want to know? Let's do that one. Alice, this is your forum. You be yourself. What do you want to talk about?

No, go on. Tell me, tell me. The chapter is called The Winner Takes It All. Oh my God. It's Bjorn from ABBA knocking at the door. The Winner Takes It All.

Is he allowed to have that chapter title? Winner is spelt V-I. Weiner. The Weiner Takes It All. And if you're joining us for the listening party this evening, to have that chapter title? Winner is spelt V-I. Wiener. The wiener takes it all. And if you're joining us for the listening party

this evening. Can we hear a whoop? It echoes around the world. I think I heard one. Great. Can you imagine if we actually heard it in the street? Doesn't make sense temporarily,

but you get my idea. I can't believe we're just drinking water. Well, I do have champagne. Shall we crack out some champagne? Why the hell is it not open? Do you want it open now? Yeah, shall we?

Yeah, all right. Do we think she said champagne, but she means Carver? Oh, no, it's real. Oh, God, it's got a jacket on. Oh, lovely. Yeah, no, two glasses will be fine. Just Jamie and I. Shall I do the honours?

Go on, Jamie. I hereby declare... Yes. ...the season finale of My Dad Wrote a Porno officially open. Yay! Or started, or something. What an odd tradition. Have you ever been to anywhere?

I've never been to a dinner party, a normal party. I've had a drink I've had several be a bit more generous than that oh alright Christ alive oh well cheers guys cheers

what a fun season it's been cheers my Gerda so yeah we have finally reached the end of this book oh it's nice that oh that's lovely it's beautiful

a lot's happened is this posh? okay we're talking about the shampoos it's really posh yeah you didn't tell me when I opened it nice innit I've probably got a shit of stuff to give you two but no it's been a really Talking about the shampoos. It's really posh, yeah. You didn't tell me when I opened it. Nice, isn't it?

I've probably got a shit of stuff to give you two. But no, it's been a really... It's crisp, isn't it? It's got a lovely... There's two of those bubbles, but not too many. It's got a lovely, like, it's kind of apple-y. It's actually... Oh, sorry, Jamie.

You're like Jilly Gould and Oz Clark, you two. Sorry, what were you saying? I was saying it's been a really... It's like a... It's a kind of... It's been a really eventful season because a lot's happened and the last chapter

as we discussed on last week's footnotes it kind of wraps things up so I am intrigued to know where we go with this chapter seeing as it's called The Winner Takes It All

it's almost like hearing your thoughts back to you James have you already settled that today is he pissed already I'm sorry want some champagne

he's on loop talk about mansplaining go on then let's get I think we've got everything we need really is that it there's nothing else going on with's on loop talk about mansplaining go on then let's get I think we've got everything we need really is that it there's nothing else

going on with our lives to talk about oh I'll tell you this go on I'll tell you this I went somewhere for food last week

Thursday James if this is that story yes oh for fuck's sake go on I know you're as outrageous as I am

so went to this place it wasn't the best place for food it was just some cafe on the side of the road. Side of the road. Ordered on an app, my food. I compiled a sandwich on an app, but basically it was like mozzarella, ham and tomato. Wait.

Groundbreaking. Food comes. I'm like, what's that? It's mozzarella, I ordered. No, we remember. It was only seconds ago. It was like a thin yellow block of cheese I was like

that's bloody cheddar yeah can you stop guessing my story before I've done it you did put this on Instagram James it looked very sweaty

that cheese oh it was very sweaty so I say to the woman I'm like why is he telling it like this like an old woman over a fence

and I said to her Marion I said so I said to the woman I said excuse me that's not mozzarella that's

she was like oh no it is I was like no no no that's cheddar she's like oh a lot of people say that but it is mozzarella i was like if a lot of people say it then don't you think you've got a bit of a problem they're serving cheddar instead of mozzarella and that was it and then she went away this is finale storytelling yeah this is the stuff of the final chapter. So she went away. You deserve not to have any more books.

It isn't done. I think we should no platform him. She went away. Oh my God. Never came back. And that was it. I just had to eat this. I was like, either this is.

That was it. That was it. He came back to tell us that bit. I was like, either this is dodgy mozzarella. How is it still going? Or cheap cheddar. Either way, I'm not happy. Either way, I don't care.

So I've had a right week. So, Belinda blinked six. Is that actually getting funnier the more I think about it? The tragedy of him thinking it's a good story is quite amusing. Chapter 10. Sorry, sorry. Fantastic stories aside. Sorry, which stories are those? Can I just just ask just for the last time this series um what's going on yeah exactly so belinda

was rescued by the duchess toffee apple chew and helga yeah agent yonker and um they sent bish and wayne burt and mave off to the cl Yes. And they went back to Belinda's hotel room and they made sweet, sweet love and had a marvellous time, I think he said. And then were disturbed just at the end by a knock on the door. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was at the door?

I had a theory. Go on. I think it's room service. Well, let's just say a very subpar sandwich. Can you imagine? I asked for parmesan! We thought that that was an irrelevant story and then it's somehow absorbed.

Do you know who I think it is? Who? I think it's Spooner back from the dead. Shut up. That's too much. No. Much too much. No, because he didn't actually die.

But he had a funeral we saw on TV. No, it wasn't an open casket though, it no because it wasn't the 1800s just saying okay you think spoon is back from the day i don't think that he was dead i don't mean back from the dead i mean like he right can i ask you why you think that and what what it's gonna what purpose it's gonna serve okay i'll tell you why. He's the only character I really remember. That's the end of it. And the purpose of it? It's a party, baby.

It's a hotel room party. It's a hotel room party. Where does the party go after the after party? Goes to the hotel room party. So it's a no from you both. I thought I'd at least get like a... okay so are we ready are we ready are we actually ready though we're ready okay belinda blink six chapter 10 the winner takes it all Bright and early Monday morning at 11am. What?

We ended on a knock on the door and it sounds like we're not where we were. Well, I mean, there is precedent for that. Unless it was bright and early the morning of the knock on the door. Oh, right. Sorry, yeah, go on. Finish the sentence. As we've never said to him in this whole book. Bright and early Monday morning at 11am,

Belinda entered steals, pots and pans a heroine. So we're never going to know who's knocking on that door. That had no relevance to anything whatsoever. It's a classic dad move. After many kisses and hugs, Tony called a meeting in the commissary. What's the commissary? That's a prison reference, isn't it the commissary. What's the commissary?

Commissary, that's a, that's a prison reference, isn't it? Commissary. Wait one sec. Are we going to add this to the Steeles, Potts and Plans floor plan?

Oh, absolutely, the commissary, yeah. It says here, it's a store for equipment and provisions, particularly for military personnel, a lunchroom, especially in a motion picture studio.

Is Steeles, Potts and Plans a motion picture studio? Or a military base. Maybe, could be either. So the canteen, which theyots Pants a motion picture studio? Or a military base. Maybe. Could be either. So the canteen, which they've always referred to as the canteen until now. Cool. After many kissing and hugs, Tony called a meeting in the commissary.

Brothers and sisters of Steeles. Weird. Now it's a cult. I want to stand up and put my, like, salute. Yeah, like Belinda's come back a heroine, apparently. Brothers and sisters of Steeles. Please welcome the saviour of our business, the conqueror of our competition, and a true lioness of cookware. It is rousing.

Belinda Bounty Blumenthal. Yeah! What, Bounty? Her middle name's Bounty. Oh, you could have got a head rush. Like a Bounty bar. Like a coconut chocolate Bounty bar. Spelled the same way.

Yeah. Named after the Bounty bar. It's three Bs again. I mean, her mum was probably high when she named her. Belinda Bounty. So the three Bs could just be her and... Could have just been her name. But it's the logo of the beans.

Also, is Bounty even a name? It's not a name. Anything can be a name. Bounty's quite a nice name. Like Gwyneth Paltrow, yes. I do feel like Alice would call her kids like... Weird. Weird names.

Do you think? It's a love name. Yeah. We did talk in the early days about Simila Vigalovine. Yeah. What have you toyed with in the past? What's the most unusual name you've considered? Well, you know I like kookier names

I like older names Oh god, for a second I thought kookier was one of them Kookier Levine I was just shouting that around Too kooky for you? Kookier? You can't get kookier than kookier Your hummus and grape sandwich is ready

Okay, don't, because my mum actually got a bit upset about that I didn't think she still listened. Oh no, she does, my brother told her. But I say still, I mean ever. I'll start knitting a blanket for Kukia now. Hey James, it could be another godchild that you forget about. Hey!

You have to stop saying that. I would never. Oh, sip champagne. So yeah, so blah, blah, blah. Belinda Bounty Blumenthal. The cheers were deafening. That's a lot of people that work there. Even Ethel heard them.

Oh, Ethel, risen from the dead through the celebration. And Belinda fake bashfully got up on the demonstration stage. Sorry, there's a demonstration stage in the commissary. On the commissary, yeah. I was like fake bashfully like guys, like, don't. Honestly, just get the show going. It's kind of the way though, isn't it? She's going in, she knows she's going to be lauded.

Thank you, Tony. She beamed. And thank you, valued colleagues. Very personalised yeah lovely so emotional cock

is victorious wait lots of people in the room don't know about cock because cock's a secret organisation isn't it if I recall yeah the confidential order of cookware nights

so yeah very much so but in the context of Steel Pots and Pans where everyone shags everyone even if they just thought it meant a cock I think it'd be fine everyone like yeah cock is

victorious I love cock too big up the dicks okay yeah fine um cock is victorious we defeated evil bish

and I couldn't have done it without your help okay so now quite out in the open isn't it quite unambiguous. The cock members present

chanted en masse. Oh, here we go. I love a chant. Bish is gone. Steals has won. Work is done for today. Let's have some fun. Oh!

Are you ready, Dave? Bish is gone. Steals has won. Work is done. Let's have some fun. Cheers. Cheers. Bella and Giselle slinked their sexy bodies around Belinda

and started undressing her item of clothing by item of clothing. On the demonstration stage. Belinda is our queen bee. She's an icon. Who wants her relics? Bella screamed as she tore Belinda's blouse into little shreds and threw them into the throng. Is it me or is it louder than usual?

It's so much more shrill, but I don't know how. I'm sorry. It's on the demonstration stage. And it did say she screamed, to be fair. Hang on, is Bella still international sales director? Both are true. Yeah, I guess so. So what's Belinda?

Freelance? I don't know. Freelance! Welcome back, as a freelancer. Belinda! Well, she is doing EDAD,. Freelance! Welcome back, as a freelancer. Belinda! Well, she is doing EDAD, isn't she? Oh, every day a different desk. Hmm.

So she's throwing these little bits of blouse into the throng as if they're, like, you know, bits of the crucifix. Sorry? That's what relics are, right? They're like, you know, ancient parts of Jesus. Right. I just thought of it in the generic sense as meaning like leftovers. It's a relic of...

That's true. What, the relic of the Bride was just ripped open? Yes. Yeah, okay. Sorry, which is a weirder interpretation? That or pieces of Jesus? No, pieces of the crucifix, not pieces of Jesus. Yeah, but didn't you say that represented like bits of his body or something?

Oh, I don't know. I'm a very lapsed Catholic. No, the cross. You know that people sell bits of the old cross? The real one? Yeah. So from 2,000 years ago, they've managed to keep bits of old cross, which you can buy. You're on very, very rocky ground here.

I'm not saying anything. I'm just relaying information. But lots of people sell it. This champagne is so strong. I know. This is going to be a really weird episode, everyone. Wait, I'm not saying anything. I'm just relaying information. But lots of people sell it. This champagne is so strong. I know. This is going to be a really weird episode, everyone. Wait, I'm still confused. So like, where did everybody find the bits?

Well, that's a question. Alice, you are opening a can of worms. Hey, I wasn't brought up with the faith. Whereas you two, you should be defending it. We've been excommunicated. Not surprised. The professionalism went downhill from there as the entire company took a 24-hour sabbatical

for fuckfest purposes. Fuckfest 2021, buh-bye. Don't forget your wristband. A, A, A passes. It's fuckfest. Literally access all areas of each other We got it Okay

Okay We need to stop drinking Because we are honestly Access all areas of their bodies Of each other Oh my goodness I hope everyone at home is drinking as well because otherwise... Fuckfest 2021.

Oh my God. Be there or be square. In other words, everyone had Latin for six and it felt like old times. No, now you've lost me. You're speaking in tongues. Everyone had Latin for six. Latin for six? I don't speak Latin

James What What It's just James You're a better Catholic than me What Well I'm not even going to google it I've just twigged

What Sex That's actually good I like that I had Latin for six last night Fuckfest 2021 Latin for six Latin for six

And it felt like old times Bella International sales director She is still international sales director Latin for six. Latin for six. And it felt like old times. Bella, international sales director. She is still international sales director. Wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing, Ian Snail. Oh my God, the snail meisters at Buckfest. Ian Snail leaves the trail. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Sorry, we're just talking about Ian Snail at the end of Buck City. How have we never heard about Ian before he's stale and Mark is like Ian stale carries his office

on his back he doesn't need to read that so she waits oh Jamie stop the book there stop it that's enough it cannot be topped it shall be tossed

Christ Ian Snail Ian fucking Snail as I live and breathe Ian Snail I'm going to get botheredllard, Ian Snail. Sorry, we have to put a warning on this. They're just saying Ian Snail.

Ian Snail is allergic to salt. He's not a slug. Aren't they the same? They are, they're slugs with houses. I just spat my champagne all over my face. I would ask why we've never heard about him before because this is the best day of my life it takes him so long to get to the office oh Ian Snail's late again

oh my Snail stupid little Ian Snail Oh, man. Snail. Stupid little Ian Snail. Wait, wait, wait. What's his job? Head of Marketing. Head of Marketing. Okay.

So, Ballet International Sales Director. He's on the marketing snail. Wasted no time in jumping onto Head of Marketing, Ian Snail. You'll slide right off don't need to jump walk up to him don't crunch him Ian Snail's lap

oh she knew he was a prude who'd look down on everyone such a weird description this is why he's never at the parties sounds like a dickhead Ian Snail

what twat she knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambaster in his slot on tomorrow's Steel's radio broadcast. What on earth? Steel's radio broadcast. This is Ian Snell in the morning. It's been a damn night, so Ian Snell's about.

What? Sorry, Ian Snell does the breakfast show for Steel Spots and Pants. Sorry, there is a breakfast show for Steel Spots and Pants. There's a radio station. Well, what is it? Hospital Radio. Maybe other companies. Hospital Radio?

What are you talking about? Ian Snail does Hospital Radio for Steel Spots and Pants. To be fair, DJ Ian Snail does sound like a classic DJ name. Right, sorry, can you... Right, now we've got it all... Yeah. We've heard it. Can we hear it in its entirety?

Bella, international sales director, waited no time in jumping onto head of marketing Ian Snail's lap. She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambast her in his slot on tomorrow's Steeles Radio broadcast. How have we never heard the show? What is all this new information? Why now? You've had so long.

Oh my goodness. But Bella lived by her one and only rule. Don't listen to Steeles Radio. No shame, no gain. Doesn't even rhyme, does it? What does it mean? No shame, no gain.

He was one of the... Oh, sorry. Oh, we're still on Ian. Oh my god. He was one of the last names on her colleague bingo card and she was not about to miss the opportunity. Oh, so she's working her way through the whole office. Well, that makes a bit more sense for her character arc. Do you...

Please. Do you think that's a thing? Do you think people have that in their offices? Um, no. Well, we worked in an office together. Think about that office. Oh, they all did, actually. Oh, what?

Well, then why were we all left out? Why weren't we on someone's card? I never slept with anybody in that office. Did you? No. Did you? No, no, no. So everyone was at it apart from the three of us?

Oh, it was quite a promiscuous office. It was a bit Steeles, Potts and Pans. It was a bit, yeah. I feel genuinely left out. For Belinda, it had been a hell of a few weeks. Tell me about it. We've been there, sweetheart. She was ready for carnal Congress

and she was to be Speaker of the House. Lovely. Very nice. That's quite good, Dad. Who is the Speaker of the House?

Nancy Pelosi? Yeah, currently. So she's the Nancy Pelosi of sex. The fucking. She, that is quite clever, sorry,

that is quite clever. We've closed on it like this. Carnal Congress. Yeah, but then it stands alongside Ian Snail. You have to weigh these things up.

Peaks and troughs. Yeah, exactly. Life is full of, you know, Ian Snails and Carnal Congress. You know, it's ups and downs. She giddily ran into the ringa-ringa Rosie of her very own RSMs. Okay, important to note, a nursery rhyme about, was it Death by Measles? Black Death, I think. Black Death, is it?

Yeah, the plague. Plague. Right. Sexy! So she giddily ran into the ring-a-ring-a-rosy of her very own RSMs. Patrick Dave Canandez

or PTKD RSM4, as Belinda had always called them. Never. Altogether, not in her whole life as our catchphrase goes pdkdrsm4 um who were all naked and ready for action the mere sight of belinda's bosom made Paddy's penis puff up. Oh, the sight of her boobs can't. They're always out. Yeah.

Puff up. Puff up. That's swelling. An anti-histamine sweetheart. Belinda smiled. His cock was as inspiring as Patty Boyd and she hopped on board. Who's Patty Boyd? I know who Patty Boyd is she hopped on board. I know who Patty Boyd is.

Patty Boyd is I think Does he? One of the Beatles. It's either Ringo Starr or George Harrison. Patty Boyd is not one of the Beatles. Or George Harrison's wife. George, John, Paul and Patty Boyd?

That fifth Beatle that quite made the cut was Patty Boyd. No, I think she was one, yeah, either Ringo or George's Googler, like, wife. We were going to until you started rambling.

Sorry. She was married to Eric Clapton. Is that who you mean? Oh. So she was in the Beatles and she was married to Eric Clapton. Wonderful Tonight is written about her.

Oh. Are you sure she wasn't married to George Harris? Maybe she was married to both of them. I'm really trying to help you here, James, but it's not looking good. She was married to George Harrison. And Eric Clapton. And Eric Clapton.

And Wonderful Tonight was written about her. Any other songs? If I Needed Someone from George Harrison. If I need somebody. That one. No, that's Gabrielle. Shola Rama. Shola Rama. Oh, my God.lle. Sholorama. Sholorama!

Oh my God, can we have a moment of silence for Sholorama? She's still with us, but I just miss her. Something. Tune. And For You Blue. Oh my God. And Clapton songs Layla, Bell Bottom Blues and Wonderful Tonight. These are all about Boydie. This is all about Patti Boyd. She inspired all those songs.

All those songs. So his dick was as inspiring as P Patty Boyd. Oh, got it. Yes. Right. Oh, God, if his dick starts singing. You might need some money. Singing Shodorama.

So, yeah. So, yeah. Dick was as, his cock was as inspiring as Patty Boyd very then very exceptionally prodigious and she hopped on board it's true

that Patrick O'Hamlin was very spirited in the sack through bum pushes he injected her with his Irish cream as he gushed up a twitchel

right don't like most of that injected her with Irish cream I'm more fix up a twitchel. Right. Don't like most of that. Injected her with Irish cream. I'm more fixated on twitchel myself. Well, twitchel's actually, that's from our neck of the woods,

isn't it, James? What is a twitchel? A little, like, cut through. A little, gone a little low. Yeah, I don't know what that is. It's just like a little alley down the side of a building. So he's injected Irish cream

into her twitchel. Actually, it kind of works because it is sort of like a little... It is small, yeah, small and narrow. Like a thing? Depends on the vagina. Yeah, I think we would say a snicket for that. What, in Manchester?

Which sounds more vagina-y. A snicket? In the old lemony snicket? A snicket or a twitchel. Hang on, let me find other words. Because I think every area has its own word for alley. Yeah, gunnel I know. Gunnel, yeah. Which also sounds quite good for it. Like, because I think every area has its own word for alley. Yeah, gunnel I know. Gunnel, yeah.

Which also sounds quite good for it. Oh, here we go. Let's see if any of these are good for vagina. Okay. Gynnel. Oh, gynnel I'm thinking of, not gunnel, yeah. Oh, what's a gunnel then? Sally Gunnel, isn't she a runner?

I think you're thinking of Sally Gunnel. She's an Olympic hurdler. Didlum. Oh. Oh, I like didlum. I did her in the didlum. Bobola. Upper Bobola Up a Bobola Up a Bobola

Wasn't that the last pandemic? That's a Bola We got it Thank God it's sunny today Because I need some shade Back in your box you You too Twittum Twittum That sounds like There's a bit of Twatt you too twittum

twittum that sounds like a bit there's a bit of twattage in twittum isn't there I don't like this one cheese log

oh my god who says that in Berkshire oh wow Berkshire you rancid little toads a dimpsy I like dimpsy

maybe it's a bit too cutesy it's too cutesy yeah we know each other so well now we could perfectly talk dirty to one another I think show us your dimpsy go on

dimpsy's too late I'm not showing my dimpsy to you put your dimpsy away and then finally from Bristol girt well that's hardcore isn't it yeah that's a bit

a bit harsh isn't it that one girt right in the girt I kicked her in the gert. I kicked her in the gert. Yeah, no, it's not all right. This dynamite sex act added fuel to her fanny, and Belinda immediately knew the next one was needed.

Turning to Dave Wilcox, she stuffed his drainpipe into a downspout. Oh! Someone's been doing DIY, Rocky. And screamed, Make it rain! Oh my God, this woman. He had stamina, rhythm,

and quite loud grunts, all of which made Belinda get off within three and a quarter minutes. What I really enjoy is Rocky will get down to some quite gross sex, but he doesn't really know what to do once they're there. Yeah, he's just moving through them all

and they did it and they did it and penetrate and leave and penetrate and leave like he doesn't really know and everybody just like

comes really quickly so he can move on yeah he's like I want a face fuck finish Belinda screamed a face fuck finish are you sure

who are we Brummie right Dave will Coxby's dad yeah like Dudley Kidaminster Dud sure? Who are we? Brummie, right? Dave Wilcox we said. Yeah, like Dudley, Kiddeminster. Dudley, though not the same as Brummie. Don't get us into trouble. Oh, sorry. Black country. Are you sure?

Dave spluttered. Obey me, but avoid my hair including lashes and brows. Oh God, is it all fake? Has she got fake lashes on? He gunked thick dollops of white cum all over her beautiful face. We haven't had cum for a while, have we? On what? Her hair?

Face. Not in beautiful clotted cream dollops. And he managed to avoid her eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. He's an artist. So his milkshake was thick. The texture of warm margarine. I don't like how much he's dwelling on the cum. Does he think this is the sexiest bit?

The viscosity of the cum? Warm margarine? Yeah. It's very liquid, warm margarine. Very, like it's an oil slick. His milkshake was thick. The texture of warm margarine. Has he ever made a milkshake?

It sounds disgusting. With the scent of bleach. Bleach. Bleach margarine. Melty. Cum smells of bleach, would you? I suppose if you always cum in the toilet, then it probably smells of bleach.

Do you know what someone revealed to me once? Pancake batter. Oh, really? Smells like cum. Does it? Next time you're making pancakes, stick your nose in. So loads of teenage boys are like,

Mum, I was just not making pancakes. I'm just flipping pancakes. All over this magazine, I was just making pancakes. Belinda loved this face mask. And as she rubbed the proteins and micro minerals into her skin. It's not face cream, Madonna.

She moved. I'm at L'Oreal Paris. Why is he going into like... Pept's not face cream, Madonna. She moved. What about L'Oreal Paris? Why is he going into like... Peptides. She is worth it. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's cum. Into her skin.

She moved on to her next comrade. Without missing a beat, Belinda squatted on Des Martin's face. She never misses a beat. She is mustard on the beat. She has never missed a beat. He was always good for lubrication, whether through tears or dribble.

Oh, Christ. Neither a good lubricant. Through advanced aerobic moves, Belinda was able to smear Paddy's sap onto Des's damp patch. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Smear? So, come from before, she's put on... to Des's damp patch and they whoa whoa whoa hold on smear so they've come

from before she's put on that's on her face isn't it yeah so she's wiped it off her face which she's oh no

because Paddy like gushed up a twitchel so if she's sitting on his face she'll still have Paddy inside she can deposit that oh my god

so she can deposit Paddy onto who onto Des Des and then her face is covered in who? Dave Dave Wilcox yeah

so if she snogs somebody then they're getting Dave they'll get Dave oh lucky them so through advanced aerobic moves Belinda was able to smear Paddy's sap

onto Des's damp patch enabling that's how four people father one child enabling maximum titillation is this the prequel to Mamma Mia?

In 20 years time, on an island in Crete, Meryl Streep will be yours. Mum, tell me how you met my dad. Really, are you sure? In time, she left one head and supplied another kind. Right, yeah. Blowjob. She took his cock in her sticky jaws and supplied another kind. Right, yeah. Blowjob. She took his cock in her sticky jaws

and closed her mouth. It's all very I feel like she's like cartwheeling over one person, like jumping on another it's like an assault course. And then that like sexy drop she does. Aerobic moves guys, you know. As she sucked him off Des was in rapture and spontaneously began to play

the drum solo from Phil Collins in the air tonight on her ample ass cheeks. It's a bit like the EastEnders. When you do it. You've got a subwoofer in your mouth. Thank you. So to speak. That's another word.

Belinda's subwoofer was... All of a sudden, Belinda felt a vibration in her thigh region. Wait, it's not going to be bloody senor zip, is it? She knew it wasn't part of the song. So she... Interception, interception. So she immediately checked her garter pager. Oh my God. How do you know?

For the first time in ten chapters, I actually know what's going on. Alice, guess what? What? Belinda blinked. Come on. Can we do garter pager? Well, it's just a pager and a garter. I think a garter pager is making it sound more high tech than it is.

So Belinda blinked. Never forget, James, part of that phrase is pager, which is one of the oldest technologies. It goes back to Mayan times. Sir James has requested my presence. Sir James? She articulated to the throng of colleagues. Sir James has requested my

presence. Why is she telling everyone? Sir James, but Sir James left the company. Has he? Do you remember he's gone like vigilante? Oh, yeah. He's gone to like investigate his wife's death

or something. Oh, Arabella or Arabella or whatever she's called. So Sir James has requested my presence. Sir James? What?

Impossible? Get off. Oh my God. He's saying get off. Get off. I would pay good money for this one man show. How did he know the voices to do? I just made some up.

Sir James. What? Impossible. Get off. Who's get off? Who's that little sissy at the end? That's Ian Snail. Sweaty voices sounded.

Sweaty voices sounded Sweaty voices Wet mouth Sweat's the least of your worries on those mouths No Sir James is on a mission to avenge His Mrs Mishap of Death His Mrs Mishap of Death Yes Not a smart man is he

This guy Dave This Dave Also death's not really a mishap I'm like I've died There's been a little bit of a mishap Your wife's death Mishap

Can you imagine The police at your door You might want to sit down there's been a mishap You're not going to believe this There's been a mishap. You're not going to believe this. There's been a shenanigan. Her thigh jiggled again. She read her paging device with 98% concentration.

The extra two were reserved for the coming can in the breakout zone. He's still coming. In the breakout zone. In the breakout zone. Lovely. Can't do it at your desk. That was not the purpose of the breakout zone. It isn't his desk. Oh, Ethel.

I'm oozing between your beautiful bits of beef. Ethel's involved. Why shouldn't she be? Well... No, why shouldn't she be? Why shouldn't Ethel have a good time? Well, if you... I don't think you heard me properly. I said, Ethel's involved. Yes, Queen Ethel.

More like it. Oh, Ethel, I'm oozing between your beautiful bits of beef. Reading once again, Belinda sprang to her heels. No, I must answer my mentor, friend and co-worker when he pages. Not your co-worker. I would say he's not your mentor either, really. Or your friend. So none of the above, good.

He's got no right to reply, has he? She can say whatever she wants. Moments later, Belinda was sat in Sir James's office. It hadn't changed much. It still had a tottering pile of petty cash slips on the desk and a boar's head on the wall. A mixture of styles. Hi, Sir James, Belinda said,

trying to wipe the sweat from her erogenous zones. And the cum. Oh, he's not happy, is he? Sir James snorted. Why's he there? I thought you were off finding the slayer of your wife Slayer Slayer of your wife is totally a spin off

What's that What Oh yes No Well yes I'm What's that What

Oh yes No Well yes What was that? What? Oh, yes. Well, no. Well, yes. I'm temporarily out of spying action due to a spot of back trouble, if you mustn't know, Bloomin' Thorn. Belinda flashed him a smile from the face and an eyeful from the crotch. Sir James drooled spit. Mmm. Regaining composure, he almost shouted,

I understand you aren't happy, Bloomin' Thul. Is she going to get a promotion? Where can she go? To the top. To the very top. She could be the chairwoman. She could be the MD. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Could she get her bonus? Oh, my God. The books are, all the bylines were, how the sexiest woman in pots and pans got her bonus. Fucking hell, she's earned it. If this doesn't earn it... I understand you aren't happy, Roman Vole. Excuse me, Sir James.

I'm as happy as Victoria and Albert, thank you. Were they famous? Let's not dwell. Alice, there's no time. Something about your title drop. Oh, well, yes, sir. The demotion was a bit of a shock. Imagine what she looks like for this challenge.

She's coated in calm. Hair all over. Honestly, fake eyelashes stuck to her forehead one stuck to her chest come all over from four different people like dress in tatters it's torn to shreds and she's like oh yeah no actually yeah it would be good to talk about my future at the company right now um so the demotion was a bit of a shock. Belinda's lips moved. Why? So James gobbled, half distracted by his desktop toasty maker. You would be.

Why do they all have devices to make snacks in their office? Because it's a pots and pans company, I don't know. I just don't think any of them ever go home, so that's the only way they can eat. Oh, that's true, yeah. Unless it's not on duty with a bloody beef flaps or whatever it is. And Tony's got a sofa bed in his office. It's a very sad company when you think about it. Terrible work-life balance. Thank God for Ian Snail's show.

He really raises everyone's spirits. Couldn't get through a morning without that breakfast show. Really is the jester of the company, isn't he? My favourite feature is Snail's mail where he reads all the texts and emails from listeners. And letters from the post bag

oh my god it's also got to be like a 10 hour show because nobody else is doing one also he's very slow oh my god he speaks really hello and welcome to steals 100% that is how we talk. Here's Snail's Mail. I mean, that's just a bonus episode, isn't it? Jamie doing, Ian doing. A whole footnote. Snail's Radio show. Snail's Radio.

Oh my God, yeah. So he's like, why? Well, because I really do feel it's a bit of an insult given. But Sir James cut her off. Look, business is brutal, Blumenthal. It's not personal. It's a job and you need to stop looking at it like an extension of your lifestyle. Two things.

What has happened to Sir James? Is this not his voice? So very snarly and gnarly. Secondly, they make you live, eat, breathe pots and pans.

What does he expect? Yeah. This is what they've demanded of her. Her lifestyle is her job. Like, there's no distinction. And most companies would applaud that mentality. Yeah, I don't like his manner at all.

But Sir James, I've given everything to this company. Exactly. I nearly died twice. For the love of the Norse gods, I nearly died twice. And she's got a boing. And in so doing, you missed valuable

trading time. Are you fucking kidding me? Sir James. If you can't sell a pan, get out of the kitchen. That's what I said. Yeah, that's right. That's true. Don't sell them in kitchens, because you're probably in the wrong place. Sir James! Silence! I never want to hear about

your complaining again, Blooberthorne. Oh my god. Do you understand me? Oh my god. Get off his face, see who's underneath. You should be glad of any job at all in this economy. Not in this economy. You are nothing but a worker aunt. An R as replaced... A worker what?

Aunt. Aunt. Aunt. Aunt? Whose aunt is she? Not even Polish people say aunt. They say aunt. Look at all the aunts

we've got an aunt problem there's an aunt in the room it's best if I ask somebody left the jam out there's aunts everyone there's aunts in the parts you are nothing

but a worker aunt and are as replaceable as a used toilet roll I mean there's more delicate ways to say that aren't there Belinda was flummoxed

yep you're not gonna cry cry, are you? What has happened to him? Is he drunk? What, Jamie or? Yeah, I was going to say that. Because business is brutal and there's no room for emotions. He's gone off to avenge the

death of his long dead wife Arabelle or whatever. Moments later, Belinda was in the ladies' loos. Crying? Not to cry. Oh. No James. Never. Instead, Belinda took out her personal, not work, telephone device.

Telephone. So James' words were still bellowing around her head. Business is brutal, Blumenthal. Oh yes, the meeting was in a cave i love an echo in this book ensuring her aloneness by looking from the powder room bit to the toilet bit she dialed who's she calling wait what do you who do you think i don't know sorry i keep having well the last theory worked so well i thought i'll throw in another

rewind oh no not another rewind remember he did a rewind before is it a fucking flashback No, sorry, I keep having me... Well, the last theory worked so well, I thought I'll throw in another. Rewind. Oh, no, not another rewind. Do you remember who did a rewind before? Is it a fucking flashback? Rewind. The sun beads scattered across Belinda's Berlin hotel room. She gazed down... It's the knock.

It's the knock at the door. It's going to be the knock at the door. It's going to be the fucking knock at the door. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Everyone, set up straight she gazed down we turn her down pause she gazed down at two of the bravest women on land, sea or space.

Oh my God. How lucky she was to have an MI5 duchess and an FBI agent in her corner of life. I'm so fucking excited. An efficient rap on the door startled her. I'm so pissed now. Surely Bish hadn't escaped from the jailhouse already. Tentatively, Belinda crossed the room. She picked up the handle.

There's no time. She picked up the handle and turned. She opened the door, crossing all fingers and toes for hospitality. But instead... Why can this woman not even open a door like a normal person? But instead of a bellhop, there stood a Petra. Petra? Hair-bish's personal assistant. We remember her. To be explicit. Petra Petra Hairbish's personal

assistant we remember her to be explicit Petra hang on we're not going to get Petra's voice oh fuck I can't can't we do it yes you can

I see the fray line smithy I'm sorry world clearer oh I see the fray line smithy

is not so truthful oh because you're smithy and she's not yeah Belinda Blumaville The fri-line, Smithy, is not so truthful. Oh, because you're Smithy and she's not. Belinda Blumval. What do you want? Belinda barked. What do you want? Belinda barked, not wanting to entertain the enemy. Petra watched every inch of Belinda's naked body, taking in tits, tum and flaps. Eyes lingering

on the upper thigh bone, Petra kind of whispered, That is true. Belinda looked where Petra looked. The beautiful bee-tree tattoo was stunning in the morning hue. So, here's the deal. Here's the what? The deal. Oh, right.

So, here's the deal. It's very hard for her to be menacing because you just can't hear a word she's saying. Petra continued back to normal volume. So, here's the deal. Due to the unforeseen circumstances of last night and the fact that you are

his only hair. She's not the boss. The boss's business is yours. She's taking over Bish Hairstalong. Belinda blinked. Do you understand? I hope she does. I Do you understand? I hope she does

I hope you understand Do you understand? You inherited all Can you give us a hope you understand for old time's sake? I hope you understand Can you please make it that in the book? You inherited, oh, you are now president

and chief operating executive officer of Bish House Tooling. Fucking hell. Oh my God, what a twist. Emotions chugged through Belinda's body like Thomas the Tank Engine on a coal binge. That's my first Thomas the Tank Engine reference. Also, I'm not sure you can say Thomas the Tank Engine on a coal binge. That's our first Thomas the Tank Engine reference. Also, I'm not sure you can say Thomas the Tank Engine

on any kind of binge. She finally managed to settle her stomach and spoke. You snivelling disgrace of a schnitzel. Oh, God. What on earth makes you think that I would ever take that job? I am a loyal team member of steels, pots and pans.

We love each other. We support each other. And we have each other's backsides. I mean, she's just been given what we imagine is multi, multi-million pound conglomerate. Yeah, but Belinda's loyal. She's nothing if not loyal. Listen here, Petra. We will destroy you on the free market economy of crockery, Belinda said with authority. She slammed the door on Petra and blew out of her mouth. Fast forward.

Business is brutal! Sir James's talk clattered around Belinda's cerebral matter, holding her nose from the slight stench of the steel's toilets. There's a bellabin in there. Belinda finished dialling. Nervous-like, she held the phone to her right ear hole. Hello, ist das Petra? Est ist Belinda?

I've changed my mind. How soon can I start? Oh, holy shit. Belinda, blink. Oh my god. And that Blink. Oh my God. And that is the end of book six. Fucking smashed it. Really?

Seriously? Absolutely smashed it. Twist after twist. Twist after fucking twist. Twist, baby, twist, baby, twist. And Ian Snail. So we got everything we ever wanted oh i didn't care about anything after ian snail yeah i stopped listening sorry so wow wow wow that's so good yeah she's officially the queen of pots and pans like before she was sort of a big fish in a small

pond yeah now she's a big fat car in a fucking ocean she's a shark at this stage all her loyalties are gone but she was so loyal she was like you said how she was offered the biggest job of you could ever even imagine and she said no because she was loyal yeah business is brutal well it is now because you're a fuck mate this is full game Game of Thrones. Okay, two things. One, trioxy below. Two, cry no more knife. That's all in there, isn't it?

She's got all that upstairs. No, no. Three, that's how to sink Bish Hastling really, really quickly. No, no, no. This is all too much. This is like...

It's a head rush, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, so now she is the head. What was she again? She was the... CFO or CEO or... The C-O-E-O. C-I-E-I- again? She was the... CFO or CEO or... The COEO. C-I-E-I-O.

She was the PCOEO. I beg your pardon? President and Chief Operating Executive Officer of Bish Hairstling. Wow. Belinda is like the biggest, yeah, Pots and Pan mogul in the world. She's the Pots and Pan's godfather. She's got a whole new team to bed in. Oh my God.

Who's she going to take with her? I mean, the only loyal one really is Ian Snail. How will she live without his bulletins? Jamie, I'm worried about how much Germany there might be in future. Oh no. She's got to rename it though. That's got to be the first port call. Oh yeah, just put her name on it.

That has got to be one of the best chapters he's ever written. That was absolute gold that was amazing that was amazing and it makes it all worth it somehow no no

what it does mean is that the tattoo actually was a thing because because if that's the thing that she looked at she'd be like

Zoe which is true has proved that although anyone can get a tattoo but it proved that she is of a well known beans company the heir of the company. Oh my God.

I'm going to get the Apple logo on my arm. See you two jobs later. You're like, I've got Nike. I've got Apple. How's Tim Cook? Is he all right? He's back. Oh my God.

Well, let us know what you thought of the big finale. Yeah. I'm amazed. I'm bowled over. I'm a gog. I'm a gog. And a gog and let us know what you think's going to happen next with belinda and we should just say as well that book six is available to buy um as an e-book and also as a actual real life book i think dad does those now

uh just go to amazon and type in belinda blinked and if there's going to be a big belinda shaped hole in your life now then you should come see us on tour in 2022 yes all over all over and back to US and Canada come on yes we've finally rerouted it so we're going to come back brand new dates keep your eyes open when they go on sale from our Instagram that's really the best place Instagram Twitter we'll tell you there or mydad at porno.com and our UK Europe dates were obviously rescheduled so if you've got your ticket already then you're fine but otherwise there are some left in a few cities so get yours now we checked a few extras in you know and we will be coming back for christmas of course it's not christmas without belinda oh yes um this has just been the best please like rocky next time you see him i will dad what an amazing amazing book

just brilliant as always he always delivers he He always, always, somehow, weirdly. And thanks to all the listeners for all your contributions, all your fan art, anything we've used in the show. We love it all. So thank you for being so involved. You really are the best, best people to do this with. We love it. Keep it coming.

We've got plenty of time now till Christmas. Yeah, keep us entertained, yeah? And if you really can't wait for the tour, just rewind. Just go back to the beginning. And then quickly fast forward. Ta-ra! On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks,

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