My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E9 - 'The Three B Tree'

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

Old faces return, secrets are revealed and Belinda's fate hangs in the balance...all because of a tattoo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We are back. It is time for chapter nine. I'm back in the room, guys. Yes, I'm here. You sound well i am do you know what um i was feeling so awful but i got one of those pcr tests yes wait for my little result negative so i was actually fine you so you never had covid no but i had all of the symptoms especially because they said that double jab people the symptoms masquerade as like a cold

like a really bad cold that's his way of saying he's double jabbed isn't it? I don't think he ever was ill. I think he just wanted a break from porno. He was like I can't read another chapter. James, it was like being

in lockdown again. I missed everything in my diary. It was awful. Oh my God, give me a second I need tissue I'm going to cry.

We get it. So many parties, so many galas. So many probably like theatre opening nights. Yeah, exactly. Guys,

if you want to invite me to your opening nights of theatre shows i will totally go oh god anyway so you didn't have covid so no i'm all right thank and thank you so much for waiting and for everyone being so nice everyone tweeting and emailing and messaging it was so sweet you got so many well wishes and yet you weren't trying to stop anyone thinking that you had covid you're just letting them pour in all the well i was feeling really ill and it took loads of time to get the test result back.

And I, more to the point, didn't want to do one of those lame kind of iPhone notes announcements on my Instagram feed. Didn't he? Didn't he? By the way, guys, I know you've been worrying, but I'm okay.

It doesn't, no one cares. In six years, we've never missed an episode, a scheduled episode, and we never missed a porno day that we said we were going to be there for. No. Who did you think would grind the whole machine to a halt? Can I be honest? Yeah. No. Who did you think would grind the whole machine to a halt? Can I be honest?

Yeah. You. 100% you. She texted me two days ago. She said, are we recording tomorrow? I said, no, you're a full 24 hours out. And you actually. 20?

Me. Both of you this week were like, when are we recording? What are we doing? I was thrown off by the lack of footnotes. I had a mad panic that I hadn't edited a show for Thursday. And I was like, james i'm sorry i know you're on holiday but please but you were very nice you are the dad of the group let's be honest well i feel like it sometimes so are we recording today are we recording now see what

that is in front of you that microphone yeah now okay fine uh anyway should we get down to business oh wow okay very very assertive today well we were left on a massive cliffhanger i think people have waited long enough now that's true yes okay sorry well what is really risky is leaving people on cliffhanger and then ramping up the tension doubly by missing a week i never think you should overweight for rocky suspense to be fulfilled no and having skimmed the chapter uh i'd say downplay downplay downplay casual so cash well can i say, so I revisited, because it's Dr. Robbins, and I remembered like a couple of seasons ago, there was like some dodgy dealings with Dr. Robbins.

There's a footnotes, which I suggest listeners revisit, maybe after the episode, maybe now, called Helga's Case Files. Of course, yes. I brought a notepad with me because I actually took notes from the Helga's Case Files, which I will be referring to today. Oh my goodness, James. So is there anything that you want to float before we begin? There is something, but I think I'm going to let the maestro,

Mr Flintstone, start to explain and I'll pick holes as and where appropriate. I was going to say, because I think that'll be necessary. And also let's give him the chance to, you know, have his book read as intended. Okay. AKA not referring back to previous chapters and calling him out on it. And also, that was a case far from a footnote, so not in the books.

So, we'll just read. Let's just read, yeah? Don't mind me. You'll see a pen moving around. I'm just beginning to be taking notes. Furiously, by the looks of it. You've done loads of notes there. Such a little swat.

Well done. We'll take a little snap of those, put them on the Instagram, because you are a nerd. Just call me Detective Chief Inspector Cooper. Okay, are we ready then? Ready. Let's do it. Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's crack this case.

Belinda Blinked 6, Chapter 9. The 3B Tree. be tree book six chapter nine Alice Levine congratulations everybody we've made it also something we just to reference

something we didn't spot in an earlier chapter you know the whole level six penthouse nine yeah 69 they're everywhere they're everywhere oh They're everywhere.

Oh my God, he's not peppering the book to sixty nine, is he? Of course he is. This is a legitimate one, book six. He's really been building up to this one

if it was planned from the beginning. Okay, so the three B's. James, you are sitting very erectly with your little pad and pen. It looks like he's playing bingo. Go on.

Okay. Dr. Robbins. the name rattled around belinda's head like a loose bowling ball down an alleyway of embarrassment and shame that is how i'd describe belinda's brain just like an empty room with a ball rolling around not even a light at the end. But you're a strange man who snips at prospective business associates with rusty old long-handled stationery scissors. Oh yeah, he did that weird... I think he cut a dress off with scissors or something.

He was... I do remember him just being a bit odd. Yeah, hiding in plain sight as a weirdo. There was something off about him from the beginning. Of all the people to bring back, why? Yeah, it's the character nobody wanted. Although Michael Sheen and Thomas Middleditch both wanted to play him in the movie, so...

So we must be missing something. This could be juicier than they ever imagined. Yeah. Also, lots of emails this week of people connecting various dots and saying that they had their suspicions the first time that we met him. Really? I mean, very easy to say with hindsight.

I was going to say. Yeah, sure. That's funny because Dad didn't when he wrote it. Did we meet in book two? Book two, yeah. In Amsterdam. But you're a strange man who snips a prospective business associate with rusty old long-handled stationery scissors.

She finally fished out of her brain. Hee-ha-ha-hee! Dr. Robbins rocked and rolled. Oh, I thought it was a monkey. Sorry. Hee-ha-ha-hee! He's human, though. Hee-ha-ha-hee!

Hee-hee-ha-ha-hee. Hee-ha-ha-hee. Oh, yeah, that is an unusual way to laugh, isn't it? Hee-ha-ha-hee! Hee-ha-ha-hee! Hee-ha-ha-hee! It's a bit donkey, isn't it? Hee-ha-ha-hee! Hee-hee-na-ha-hee. Oh, yeah, that is an unusual way to laugh, isn't it? Hee-ha-ha-hee. Hee-ha-ha-hee. Hee-ha-ha-hee. It's a bit donkey, isn't it? Hee-ha-ha-hee.

Hee-ha-ha-hee. When the little boys in Pinocchio turn into asses. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, mother of fuckness. I'm not related to your saggy ass, am I? Belinda screamed. The odd fellow just shuddered like a cold person waiting for a bus that had been cancelled twice

in a december night i know that's a terrible feeling and i'm not an old person well i mean decide yourself but um that is a bad feeling we share a skin sketch belinda screamed showing off her thigh you must tell me if we're flesh and blood a skin you can say tattoo yeah like you don't need to come up with synonyms for everything He does have an issue with repetition doesn't he I do like skin sketch though Like as another way I'm just wondering what else it could be Like something doodle

A dermis doodle Dermatological doodle A dermis doodle what you said But thanks for the remix What else Sketch doodle Picture What are you just saying picture What else? Sketch, doodle. Picture. What, you're just saying picture?

I was just thinking, what else is there? A permanent picture. Well, it's peau in French, isn't it? Skin. A peau picture. A peau picture. A peau picture. A picture peau.

Just some options for the future there, Rocky. I'm hoping the tattoo dies here and now. If the 3B tree gets mentioned ever again, I'm going to his house. I know where he lives. You must tell me if we're flesh and now. If the 3B tree gets mentioned ever again I'm going to his house. I know where he lives. You must tell me if we're flesh and blood. The man at the desk

said not a zilch. Can I just say as well so Robbins is based in Amsterdam so they've because he's got his leather desk right

so they've flown the leather desk we were talking before about the high production values of this event so they've flown in his leather desk from were talking before about the high production values of this event so they've flown in his leather desk from Amsterdam to Berlin

must be cost a fortune in freight 100% and also it's probably got to go freight so how far in advance did they arrange that

it's not that far away though is it you could get it on a lorry a lorry okay so you so you put in the desk on a lorry are they doing that! Okay, so you put it in the desk on a lorry. Are they doing that a few days before?

Where are they storing this? Where are they storing him? Because a lot of people on email said... A hotel, perhaps? How long was he there? Like, did he have like, you know, supplies? Or, and was there a dress rehearsal? Like, has all this just been thrown together at the last minute?

It doesn't seem that way. Was Alfie the smallest man dressed in black there to mic everyone up good sound because you would want everybody on point because if somebody wasn't where they were supposed to be when that reveal occurred yeah and one and two and come up take off the toupee reveal the skin sketch but how do you make sure that belinda's where you're gonna need her to be because she hasn't got a mark or anything i guess agent xyz was kind of the the bait she like ran she chased her, followed her into the room. And you would rehearse for every eventuality. What do we do if she's here?

What do we do if she's here? And pivot. And yeah. And left and right. Beautiful. I've just thought maybe they brought just a, maybe they just got a replica desk. A local replica desk. I didn't think of a local replica desk.

So say that's the option. They've sent photos to a local artisan and they're like, it must be exactly the same. So he's sort of done a sort of forensic recreation of the desk. Who's taking the photo? Well, I suppose Robin's could have taken the photo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the hundreds, nay, thousands of people who must have worked on this whole production and how no one revealed that XYZ was actually Maeve is amazing.

I think more people are employed on this production than by Bish. In the company. So, Dr. Robbins, why won't you speak? Oh God. Are you fully recovered? Because you don't sound alright. The cackle from the hair of nightmares

was almost like death itself. He won't answer to Robbins. Vili-u-vain. Vain? What does vain mean? Vili-u-vain. Vili-vain.

Vili-vain. Vain? It's spelt V-A-Y-N-E. Actually, if I refer to my notes here from Helga's case files, case file 76-AM-18 my god we've actually

this has been hiding in plain sight for some time his real name is Wayne Burt Wayne Burt so Vane is Wayne

Wayne is Wayne it's just the German you see there it's just dad's written German he sometimes gets really tangled

in being a multilinguist doesn't he so was that just a throwaway thing? I'll be honest, I don't remember this. Oh yeah, I think we just thought

it was like a thing he'd written that we never needed to think about again but you know what Bert is? A bee. A bee. It's a fucking bee.

It's a fucking bee. Oh, there we go. That's the link. Vain Bert. Vain Bert. And Bert's got a bee. Which I think we commented at the time was link. Vane Burt. And Burt's got a B. Which I think we commented at the time was a beautiful name for a child.

Wayne Burt. On second hearing, it sort of sounds like a star of westerns, doesn't it? 50s pin-up Wayne Burt. Exactly. He knows all my dames. I beg your pardon. Belinda blinked, now confused. I sometimes think I am Belinda in these scenarios.

He is no Robbins, even less a doctor. He's not even a qualified doctor. I love a doctorate bought on the internet. I love the idea that you can do that. People buy dodgy doctorates, don't they? Or they change their name by depot to rather than David, doctor. So they're like, technically I'm a doctor. Well, for Rocky's birthday, I bought him a lordship.

No, you didn't. He's a lord of the manor now. Obsessed. Alice, this is one of those examples where James is actually dad's real son. I think he thinks he's like Can go to the house of lords now James He asked me the other day

How do I claim my expenses He emailed us like I don't have to pay tax now I'm a lord I was like What do you do And I think they do If they're

Why do you enable him Exactly Why do you encourage him I don't know quite What I've done Basically yeah He now owns like This random bit of land that makes him a lord. No, he doesn't.

Is this real? Lord Rocky Flintstone, yeah. How much did you spend on this? £30. Yeah, it's definitely legit. No, it's like five square metres of land. Oh my God. What, and he's the lord of that bit of land,

not just of that estate? You know we have to go and stand on it. Yeah, he says, what I didn't know, he was like, oh, I love visiting there. I'm going to go. What, you mean he knows that bit of land? He knows the area that it's in. He's always wanted to be the lord of that bit of land.

Yeah, that five square metres. So do I then inherit that lordship and then become an actual little Lord Fauntleroy? Oh, good question. I don't know. This is its own 3B tree but to your point like i don't know if it's legit or real or what if i've just is he gonna get shot for trespassing it's definitely not real or legit exactly but yeah lord you technically have to call him lord rocky flintstone no I point blank refuse. If it means I get my head chopped off, so be it. So, he is to know Robbins, even less I induct her.

You fibbish. You lie like a lilo. With me lying on it. In these times of high stress, how does she come up with it all? Yeah, lie like a lilo. And I'm lying on the lilo that you're lying on what you vish bitch god there's a lot of laughing in this chapter there's that bitch again her step-uncle hissed dr robbins raised from behind his precious traveling desk oh that did get addressed.

It was brought from home. No, but that suggests it travels with him wherever he goes. It also suggests that there's like repeated journeys where it happens. So like, Dr. Robbins and his travelling desk. For one night only. Oh my God, this whole scene is like, you know those great exhibitions they used to have? Like the greatest show on earth.

Yes. Oh yeah. It's like a circus, isn't it? Dad is the P.T. Barnum of porn, so... Okay, so he's risen. He's risen from the desk? From behind his precious travelling desk. Okay.

It's true, Belinda! What? Someone else walked in. Wait, who sounds like that like that well Wayne Burt is American what do you mean James why do I need the book am I supposed to know that it's all there in the case files Alice you should have you should have been paying attention so have you gone back and listened or have you just logged I mean you two do have incredible memories no no I've gone back I've done my research I come to this prepared do you not hell no you look at me of course I just

opened the door and I've forgotten you're coming yeah you were definitely in a post-tiz state when we arrived you you seemed flustered but better than last time i saw you both when i burst into tears because i got lost because she got lost she was an hour late as well i'm a bit stressed about that, but mainly about being lost. So, is true, Belinda. He spoke in a perfectly normal USA-ish drawl. You've gone for a kind of Bostonian, New Yorker. I just think it's like, you know. A gangster. Gangster.

Kind of like, you know, gangster. But very much East Coast, I think you're saying. Sure. Yes. Okay. Whatever. Sounds a bit like your friend Larry. Yes, very like Larry. Where's he from philadelphia yeah sorry everybody from philly

it's true belinda my real name my real name my real name it's wayne boy it's wayne boy it's wayne boy is that spelled B-O-I-D-H-D? Boyd. My real name is Wayne Boyd. And don't worry, I'm no relation to yours. No. Years ago, I made a deal with your step-uncle, which saw him own 10% of my contrabanded baked beans business.

Stop it. Yeah, right. Okay. Number one, I love him. What a great crack. He's about 60 years younger than Dr. Robbins. He's really good fun. He's just got a nice way about him.

Yeah, he's friendly. And he runs a successful... Contraband baked beans business. What does the contraband bit mean? Well, he says this. Well, he goes on. He goes on. See, a step-onker which saw him own 10% of my contraband baked beans business.

Dude, the three B's baked beans franchise. We have money laundered millions, which has bankrolled bish house to link since the Cold War, Belinda. Oh, my word. I'm just writing this down so sorry number one that's not what a contraband business is like that made it sound like baked beans were banned somewhere and they were somehow importing them on the black market yeah you need like the front business to be legit so you can do dodgy stuff yeah so where's the legit bit none of

it so wait bish enterprises or whatever it's called, that's not real either. No, so Bish owns 10% of this baked beans business. Okay, so not very much, yeah. And through that business, they've money laundered millions, which has bankrolled Bish Hairstyle. So since the Cold War, since like the 80s.

So probably helped him find money to set up his Pops and and pans business. And Helga got wind of this and had been investigating Wayne Burt for years. And mayonnaise doesn't go with baked beans. So she was livid. Okay. And what, the company's called The Three Bees? The Three Bees Baked Beans.

But is that real? Alice, none of this is real. In the books. I think in the books yes it's real i just really fancy beans on toast now so the tattoo they've all got is the logo of the three bees baked beans which we presume is a well-known baked bean company well if it's turning over millions in order to launder it so it's like having hines tattooed on your head and you're like what is it?

I mean, somebody would be like, well, that's the baked bean can logo. Why have you got that? That's the Three Bees Baked Bean Company. And do beans grow on a tree? It was the tree thing. How does one harvest beans? Also, wasn't it just three bees in a triangle and we've been calling it a tree? Like what? Sorry.

It's hitting me in waves. It's the kind of tattoo you would get as a dare or a joke or drunk on holiday. Because now I'm like, well, why is Belinda in on that? And is it just, is it Bert, Bish and Beans? Is that what it was all along? Her ex-boyfriend from high school tattooed a baked bean logo onto her at the behest of her mother. Because they were related to one of the owners. He only owned 10%.

He doesn't even own that much. Shall we keep reading and see if this gets clearer? So money laundered millions, which has bankrolled bish house to lung since the Cold War. What the fuck? Belinda exploded. Same. The most astute thing she's ever said. Same, same.

You really are big bad baddies, aren't you? BBB. You see, when I was in the Army of Derwine, I had unlimited access to the billions of tins of rationed baked beans. Billions of tins of beans. Billions of baked beans. When he was in the what of the Rhine? The US army of the Rhine.

Do you mean Rhine like Germany? Maybe, James. You have a question? No, I was just going to say, so he was siphoning off the wartime supplies to sell. So that's why they contraband, because they were stolen from a legit source. The army, right. From the army.

During the Cold War. For the US Army of the Rhine. What do you mean? Nobody was in trenches eating baked beans in the 80s. So I had access to the billions of tens of rationed baked beans. They didn't miss a million. They didn't miss two million. Don't sound that rationed, to be honest with you.

They didn't miss three million. They did miss three million cans. Three million cans of baked beans. Is he stealing them one at a time? There's got to be some sort of system of checking them out. And does he put them in his backpack? Like how is he getting them out of there? In the desk

They didn't miss a million They didn't miss two million They didn't miss three million They didn't miss Four million Belinda's asked How do you know? Wayne asked

Oh my god what is this? What is this carry you know? Wayne asked Oh my god What is this? What is this carry on film? Wayne asked impressed Impressed My business was booming Until my commanding officer found out And they arrested me Right

I've been very mean to me In regards to a long term business plan Ste stealing baked beans to set up a baked bean company, initially, fantastic. You're not forking out on the stock. You've apparently got four million cans of baked beans. They have a sell-by date and also, you know, you're not going to forever have access to that. So beyond the point of the stolen baked beans, where are you getting your baked beans from?

Well, I guess that's why you stole so much. Right. And if you're a criminal, do you care if you make people sick? I guess not. But was he just going to run one of the most successful baked bean companies in the world for like a year? Yeah, why didn't he go, before it got to the front line, why didn't he just go to the factory that was supplying them and just steal them all from there? And also, it's like, of course you got arrested.

You are a member of the army that suddenly, as the stock is depleting, you've set up your own baked beans business on the side. Which, weirdly, has the same label as the baked beans from the trenches. He might have made the new label, to be fair to him. I think he's just scribbled BBB all over the old label. And then tattooed it on his head just to really seal the deal. This is corroborated in the case files, all this by the way. Is it? Yeah, yeah. He went away for

fraud. Oh, okay. For being fraud. Just for fraud. And he, yeah, he was in custody for a long time in America. So, and my commanding officer found out and arrested me. Belinda blinked. And that's where your step-uncle stepped in.

Thank God for this erratic exposition. And the 3B tree, Belinda blabbered. We sign in ink, Belinda. Skin ink, Wayne said as he rubbed his tattooed head. A deal you can't never get out of. It's forever on you. That was them signing the contract. He was like, yeah, I'll have mine on my leg. He's like, I'll have top of the head. It's fine. Just sign it. Sign away. Bish hobbled even more into the lighting. The rig! I'm not paying for this lighting for you to miss your mark, sweetheart. I have tried to exterminate you ever since your 18th birthday.

Why? When your dopey mutter could finally brand you to me. Finally brand you to me. Finally brand you to me. But you have always escaped my grasp, you slippery flat verse. You refused a very generous job of escape.

Interesting. Right. I'm picking up the pen and I'm pointing because do you remember when they had the feast at

Bish's Schloss yeah he recognised her at one point I mean he should have recognised her because they're related

but he recognised her because and he's been looking for her for his whole life yeah yeah and she was right there so that should have rung a bell

but he the reason he said he recognized i'm sure was something to do with like an interview or like a job or something it was a job offer over so yeah maybe he interviewed over skype okay um you refused our very generous job offer on skype this can't all be about that. Damn right, Belinda spat, eyeing Maeve from the corners of her eyes. Then you escaped my sloth and then jumped through the hot basket. You okay, Belinda?

I'm fine. Just a tickly throat. Not like a scrapsal window with. Probably choking on a bean. I'm fine. Bish screeches as he wipes the blood from his left nostril. Oh, he's not long for this one. This is like Moulin Rouge when she coughs into a handkerchief and it's blood.

Only, I know that you suffer from chronic asthma attacks, and as kind of not really a relative, I do worry. Jamie, do you mean e-athma attacks? E-athma attacks. Oh, my God, yeah. E-athma, it's e-athma. Can I just say, pulling a lot of stuff together here, this is amazing.

This hasn't been, like, cobbled together. Like, we read those FBI files a couple of years ago now. I mean, it doesn't make sense. Let's not pretend it does, but it is... Impressive. It is impressive that he remembers. Only I know that you suffer

from chronic asthma attacks. Yes, I do. And as a kind of not really relative, I do worry. A cough from his ear, a bullet in his ear. Oh, he's still going to kill her?

Jovial. Family is overrated. You're the one that keeps fucking banging on about it. Nobody else is bringing it up. Also, there was no point to the family element at all. One of the bees is beans.

Beans! Oh, God, yeah. Beans, bish and Bert. Hang on. Some see it as protection. Me? A necessary extermination. A necessary extermination.

A necessary extermination. I would beg to differ. There's absolutely nothing necessary about the extermination. But that's what family means to him. I guess it means different things to different people, doesn't it? And so I'm being a bit judgmental. But I would argue that Belinda's existence has had zero impact on either the Bean Company, Bish's company, Bish himself, her own mother.

Like, no, but like Belinda was such... Clint, the tattooist. I mean, Clint was just pleased to get a second go but it's so absurd that a whole man's rotten little life is planned around this yeah I mean now he did sorry that bitch or dad's right I was pointing at you wasn't I my rotten little life what a rotten little life what a sad little man um but now she knows too much and they've got the blueprints. So yeah, just get rid because she's the only thing in the way now, really. Yeah, she's a risk. Because I guess he says some see it as protection, me, a necessary extermination.

Because that's what he said. He said that her mum got her the tattoo to try and, I guess, protect her to think they're related. No, he's not having any of it. Also, you have an inkling that your daughter's step-uncle wants to kill her. So all you do is get her a tattoo. That's all you're doing to protect her. You're not like, okay, let's get you to listen to her. I'd say do the opposite.

I'd say find a way to make sure that you can never be traced by that man. Don't make her super identifiable. With a tattoo only two idiots would get. Agent XYZ, end this family affair once and forever. Maeve removed her killer heels and gleefully prepared to end Belinda for good. Be careful, Belinda! Bert held his hand up and interrupted.

You see, you sure as hell came close to bursting our beautiful little racket, Belinda. No, she didn't. Wayne smirked. But sadly for you, close is no cigar. But sadly for you, close as no cigar. Now, before you die, get on your knees and suck my nice-sized cock. That was horrible. Did someone say cock? Cock!

So, oh my God. So, whenever anybody says cock, even if it's not a member of the cock, she appears, I presume, on a horse. No, trapdoor. She's probably part of the production. Oh, yeah. She's definitely ridden through those clam-shaped doors through the cave. And through that very narrow mirrored hallway. Yeah.

Which would have sent Toffee Appletree absolutely spare, by the way. Did someone say call? Oh my God, I love it. What an entrance. Belinda, Bish,

Maeve, and Dr. Wayne Burt-Robbins. We're still sticking with the alias. Fine. Turned in a gasp

explosion. It's like fireworks and inhalations. Like a paragon of virtue, dressed head to foot explosion. It's like fireworks of inhalations. Like a paragon of virtue dressed head to foot in flowing white gowns. Plural? Yeah, gowns. She's wearing a gown. Beautiful gowns.

Well, she's wearing multiple gowns. What is that? It's Aretha Franklin throwing shade on Taylor Swift. Beautiful gowns. Beautiful gowns. Beautiful gowns. Oh, yeah. Dress heads put in flowing white. Beautiful gowns.

The Duchess galloped into the scene. Toffee apple chew. There she is. Nayed her most vicious squeal. As she kicked the escape stairlift to bits. Oh, it's an escape stairlift. Well, entrance and exit, I guess. Yeah, I guess so.

So I want to kill Belinda. How do you tell the horse to kick the stairlift to bits? It's Toffee Apple Chew. It's not any horse, Alice. It doesn't need to be told. She knows. She's a member of COC. I've never been so glad to see COC in my whole life.

Belinda breathed under her tongue. And that's saying something. Honestly, but also not one bit surprised by the sentence. Get rid! How is you is his? He knows her. Bish spat while trying to run away slowly. I've been on your ass for years, Wolfgang. It's time you answered to your crimes.

Yes, Wolfgang, it's time you answered to your crimes. As she approached them, she jumped from her steed S and cartwheeled towards Belinda. Wow. Cartwheeled towards Belinda. She's surprised, isn't she? She's got the hips of a much younger woman. She centrifugally threw her body between Belinda and Agent XYZ and karate chopped Maeve's back. So she fell stricken to the floor. between Belinda and Agent XYZ, and karate chopped Maeve's back. Ka-ya! So she fell stricken to the floor.

Ka-ya! Maeve, the receptionist, you're nicked. You're nicked? You're nicked? What is she, a bobby? She's a copper. You're nicked. It's the citizen's arrest.

Oh God, no, she's got her tools. The Duchess said as she cuffed the young vixen. She does have her tools. All the while, Dr. Robbins, or as legally recognised Wayne Burt. If you are trying to open a bank account. Had been quietly packing his belongings and trying to escape. Folding up the travelling desk in the background. Don't mind me.

I'm just going to, while you do that, I'll just slip out the back. How do I fold this leg in? But little did he know that waiting for him in the hidden doorway exit was Which one? There were so many. was a certain lady he knew all too well.

Helga! Yeah? What you doing here? He spoke in his American drawl. He's so fun. That's Agent Helga Deyil, she said in her American speech patterns, pulling out her FBI brooch. It's not a brooch. Why do we care? Fuck.

I never knew that. Jeez, you're good. All American American She pumped As she tied him together Right She said As she lassoed The hobbling bish

Let's send him To the slammer Oh she's changed region Sorry What was she She's American She wasn't Dolly Parton Okay

Right Right Right It's like American Like right Let's send him To the slammer Is that American She's American. She wasn't Dolly Parton. Okay. Right. Right. Right. So like American. Right. Let's send him to the slammer. Is that American? I don't know if it's American.

I'm like a valley girl. Oh my God. Let's send him to the slammer. Right. Right. Let's send him to the slammer. I don't think Elga's a valley girl. It's not a gossip girl.

Let's send him to the slammer. I don't think Helga's a valley girl, but... It's not gossip, Bill. Let's send him to the slammer. Stop. Wait. Belinda shouted as she ran towards Maeve. Oh, and hi, Helga. How lovely to see you again. Stop being so polite to everybody, everybody. Oh, you're right.

How you been? Belinda's run had lagged to an almost on-the-spot jog as she passed the agent. It's such impeccable timing. It's not... to an almost on-the-spot jog as she passed the agent. Such impeccable timing! Snog! Such impeccable timing! Kissed Snog. But how did you know I was here?

The Duchess was giving Senor Zip a hand when you called on your special retina-sensitive shades. This is ludicrous. Typical spies! Belinda laughed. Belinda laughed as she started to run to her max again typical spies see ya how big's the room i think it's quite big oh it's vast reaching her ex colleague she fell to her knees in an extravagant slide and rode straight to her crotch oh like a kid at a wedding hitting Hitting her target,

Belinda wrapped both arms around the lovely legs of Maeve. I'm sorry we were not as kind as you wanted or deserved, dear Maeve. Please accept the only apology present. I can muster... She's not going to go down on Maeve. Before you spend a lifetime under locks and keys for fuck's sake belinda gently peeled back mave's pubic overhangs please please jamie

that's one of the worst for a while today what's what's a pubic overhang i'm assuming he means her lab i'm assuming he means the hood on the clit. Oh, I thought it was like pubes overhanging the knickers. Oh, pubic overhang. Oh, you thought it was like a fringe of pubes. Oh. I guess I just thought pubic meant like genitalia, but maybe it doesn't. Oh, pubic overhang. Answers on a postcard. She

gently peeled back Maeve's pubic overhangs and shoved her whole face in and up her. Oh, so yeah, maybe you're right then, James. Maybe it is literally her flowing locks. Yeah. Her tongue was a rampant rogue, a highwayman twisting through the corkscrew byways of the olden days. I love that.

Looking for somebody to rob. Maeve tingled and jazzed with the sexual gratification she had always associated with Belinda. Everyone's very, very good, as we've said in these books before, about separating emotion from sex. So they're just like, I really want to get off. If I can get off, I'm going to get off. This has been a really horny production.

We've all been in rehearsals together for ages. We've been on tour together. Let's just do this. The last thing she'll do is a free woman is get licked out by Belinda. And I think there's no better way to go down. Literally. Going down fighting. By the way, Belinda said as she wiped her mouth dry,

I knew it was you. I recognised your flavourings. The Hump and Skunk Part 2 was only minutes away. I could tell. That is a sequel I do not want to watch. That's why none of the original cast return. You wish. Or is she even?

Who knows what she has now? Yeah, that's true. You wish, spat Maeve. Oh, the mood's changed, hasn't it? You're quite rude, aren't you? Belinda said, gearing up for a bit of smack and quibble. Smack and quibble? Is that sexy or is she just going to smack her?

And quibble. And quibble with her opinions. Quibble is such a gentle argument, isn't it? Imagine she's like, you know, rolling up her sleeves. She's just gone down on her. I was going to say, she's literally wiping her juices from her face. But Agent Helga was a professional. Okay, okay, let's wrap this show on the road up, she brisked.

Literally, they mean that as well. They're like, we've got to get to Chicago. Three nights. And twerp awaits, well. They're like, we've got to get to Chicago. Three nights. And twerp awaits, guys. That was a beautiful little performance. It's a sellout show. It's going to be a hoot. Your pre-DMs are on the bed.

So let's wrap this show on the road up. So this show's on the road, but let's wrap it up. Right. Okay, okay. Let's wrap this show on the road up.

She brisked. She took Bish by the scruff of his neck and pushed him into the arrest position. Arrest position? What's that? Hands up. She brisked. She took Bish by the scruff of his neck and pushed him into the arrest position. Arrest position? What's that? Hands up? Oh, it wasn't me. A backup agent took over and dragged him, kicking and crying from the scene.

Where's the backup agent come from, please? Oh, he's crying. You will pay this Belinda with the marks of my words. He hissed. We don't use marks anymore,

you wrinkly old crook. She replied, shouting louder the further away he was hauled. We don't use marks. We don't use marks anymore, you wrinkly old crook. It's Euros or bust

and you'll need millions of them to break yourself to freedom. Belinda, he's gone. He's gone. Also, really good point. Well done. So sweet. With that, the guardsmen of Germany entered the space and took Bert and Maeve where Bish was headed.

That being prison. Yes. The clink. The clink. Three B's and a clink. Well, two Bs and an M. Or an X, was he? Who knows?

An A to Z. The Duchess fed Toffee Appletue a sugar lump. Smartest horse in the world, but eats sugar lumps. Girl's got to eat. The Duchess fed Toffee Appletue a sugar lump, clapped her hands, and spoke three smallish words. Done.

Dusted. Drink? Oh my God, this is so... I thought you'd be like, dildo? Back in the safety of Belinda's Berlin hotel room, and after a chilly and chardonnay or twelve, our leading lady of letters turned to the women who saved her ass. How can I ever thank you for saving my ass?

She thanked them. She thanked them. You just did it. Well, that thing you did to Agent XYZ, Helga started, looked fucking fabulous, darling. The Duchess finished. A sexually attractive smile arrived on Belinda's face muscles. And as she took out her forefinger and middle finger on both hands

from make-believe gun holsters on her hips. Yeah, like the pew, pew, pew. She pointed them like pistols at the two women's front-facing bums. That's not nice. They understood hand language. I'm going to shoot your vagina off. And immediately unrolled their panties. Unrolled?

Maybe they're wearing special agent underwear for the operation. Unrolled. And immediately unrolled their panties. Belinda wanked them off so much... I don't know if you call it wanking a girl off, do you? No. Was it finger frig? Belinda wanked them off so much,

Helga temporarily lost the use of her calf muscles and collapsed to the ground. Wow, that sounds like a serious medical condition. The Duchess was made of tougher meat, like brisket, so fared better balance-wise. Cooked well, shouldn't be tough, but yeah. Moving to the thin sofa thing at the foot of the bed. Which are rancid in hotel rooms for this very reason.

I was going to say. Belinda jammed Helga's Dodger and creamed Gertrude's custard. Biscuit reference. Lovely. Very UK-centric biscuits. International listeners, a jammy Dodger and a, what was the other one? Custard cream. Biscuit reference. Lovely. Very UK-centric biscuits. International listeners, a jammy dodger and what was the other one? Custard cream.

Custard cream. Don't eat around the bush. Get that tongue the fuck inside me. That's fantastic. Don't eat around the bush. That's really good. Don't eat around the bush.

Get that tongue the fuck inside me. Helga ordered like the federal officer she was. Her inner tissue was zinging to the tongue. A tangy treat full of enzymes to keep Belinda big and strong.

To keep her big and strong. She's not exactly withering, is she? Can we talk about inner tissues? Inner tissues as well, the way you said it. Tissues. Tissues, sorry. Her dodgers got inner tissues. Was Muff one of her five a day?

As Belinda licked herself at home, she mentally made note. Licked herself at home? What does that mean? I don't know. Can we just get through this? Licked herself at home. Oh, like made herself at home by licking. Yeah.

Right. As Belinda licked herself at home, she mentally made note of the colour and texture of the flesh within this lady's human form. I imagine it looks the same as most other vaginas, no? Well, I mean, she's made a lot of noise. I can vary greatly. Helga Jonker and our darling Duchess were truly exceptional sex chums. They gyrated their way around the hotel suite,

licking and stroking and slapping and rubbing and having a marvellous time. Oh, lovely. What a great end to a dramatic day. However, at dawn, Belinda's body clock was awoken in the Berlin bedroom by a very efficient-sounding

knock on the door. Well, it was her body clock that woke her up, but yeah, okay. Belinda squinted. Is this a new... Spin off! And that was the end of the chapter. Wow, so... So much happened.

So much happened. It was a real, like, Avengers Assemble moment at the end where... Well, with three of them, yeah. Yeah, and Toffee Apple Chew and, like... Oh, true, true. And some... An extra officer here and a German military guard there. A lot of key players in one room at the same time.

Absolutely. And certainly an Avengers Assemble moment in terms of narrative. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So Bish is in prison. He's in prison. Well, he's at least en route. I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to just break out

by breathing on the lock or something and it snaps. Kick the door down with his gammy leg. And actually, because they've been doing insider dealings for so long, are there people

that we don't know about within those businesses? Because, I mean, Bish can't have been doing anything. He's just dead on a stick. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're not operating alone are you so who's this knock at the door

who indeed oh god I hope someone's not been said to kill her or something again this woman can't catch a break at least she's got the Duchess and Helga with her so that's good so yeah you must come back next week because well we'll find out who's at the door hopefully

come back next week to find out who's at the door it's probably room service I will be playing who's at the door and of course it is our big end of season finale listing party next week so we're all going to be pressing play at once around the world yes 8pm UK time as usual

we'll all press play and then we'll tweet along using hashtag porno day uh and in the meantime please send us your speculation about who's behind the door so people aren't confused what date is that it's Monday the 2nd of August Alice fantastic and by people I mean me you mean you yes um get in touch with us and let us know what you think about the demise of Bish and Maeve and Dr. Robbins slash Wayne Burtt we Twitter at DadWriterPorno Instagram at MyDadWriter email us at MyDadWriterPorno at gmail.com

In theory we've lost a lot of big players here. I mean by lost I mean they're incarcerated. Thank God. Thank God. And so I wonder when you remove a kind of evil dictator like Bish you create a vacuum don't you?

Oh, someone's going to slip in that hole, so to speak. Okay, that's it guys. Until next week. I'm pooped. You're nicked.