My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Eight

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. This time, the gang look back at the funniest stories about the man, the myth, the legend, and the author Mr Rocky Flintstone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to The Best of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Today we are delving into all things Rocky Flintstone. Not his writing, the man. Mind, body and soul. Indeed. The myth, the legend. And what what a mind what a body and what a soul i've missed him actually i haven't seen him in a while i was wondering when was the last time you guys saw him yeah how's he probably last summer or something how's he doing he's good he's currently in brazil obviously i was gonna say i assumed we do email occasionally and without me asking i do get an update on the temperature in Brazil, always. What he's been doing that day, often sunbathing.

Or actually he's doing quite a lot of DIY. A lot of work. They have a termite infestation. Because I guess they haven't been there since pre-COVID, I guess. So I think the house is in a bit of, it's in tatters. Well, and obviously this week, or recently at least, it's been Carnival in Brazil. Carnival, yeah, indeed, yeah. I'm, it's been Carnival in Brazil.

Yeah, indeed. Yeah. I'm sure he's been wearing a big feather headdress and dancing around the streets. That'd be more covered up than we're used to seeing him in Brazil, isn't it? He's usually quite scantily clad. Only time he wears clothes. Yeah. But yeah, he's good, I think.

It's mad to think of him because obviously he is an eccentric Irishman in Brazil. Like he doesn't scream Brazil, does he? But then he comes back and he's super tanned and he's wearing the outfits and it's just like that's where he was always meant to be yeah maybe you're right spiritual home he's not Brazilian but he thinks knows it some bastardization of his work um yes but I thought before we get into the best of kind of clips of dad and the stories that we've had of him over the years um that we could maybe talk about a few of our favorite memories of him that we haven't ever told on the podcast oh these are the more valuable bits i would have saved for my autobiography or something like that right

exactly yeah your intimate relationship with rocky vince okay fine or a tell-all book that we do on rocky one day or maybe even just a tabloid splash oh in bella magazine we could do a little tie-in, couldn't we? So I was going to go first because there's a story. I can't believe I never have said this on the podcast. And it was one of those things I had to text one of my sisters about just to check that it did happen. Right. Because I'd blocked it out and you'll see why. But it's so oddly fitting.

Uh-oh. Years ago, I was probably about 14 maybe 13 14 we were driving to france on vacation that better be in the flunch better be in there oh flunch is coming don't you worry um yeah we were driving to france and it was in the dead of night because that's what dad liked to do we had to drive throughout the night you know maximize the holiday blah blah is blah, blah. Is he a safe driver? Is he a slightly like...

He's a good driver, actually. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he drive very fast? No, he's actually all right. He would not stop for any sort of toilet break or refreshment break ever. That's crazy. Phenomenal.

You would have to just like sit in the car and like, well, you're in it for about nine hours. So anyway, we were driving and it was at night. And I think we were all kind of like asleep like dozing off he's just driving and he was listening to an audio book that he'd i think borrowed from a friend oh how modern yeah and then all of a sudden in the novel the woman character starts to get aroused and she moves over to the male character and unbuttons his trousers. Oh, sweet Jesus. Why would she need to do that? Starts sucking him off.

No, no. Described in excruciating detail. That's not true. This is true, honestly. And so we're all like asleep and we're like, am I dreaming this? What the fuck?

And I'm like, he didn't switch it off. He was just driving away. Is your mum asleep at this point? Mum's asleep. We're all just like listening. And I texted my sisters to be like, did I imagine this? To paint a picture for people if they've forgotten, there's about 30 Mortons.

So it's a car packed full of kids. Yeah. It's like the opening scene of Home Alone when they're all like counting them up for the drive. And so one of my sisters was like, yes, this i'm so sure i totally forgot and then somebody else was like i remember this in caps locks oh my god they were like can't really remember the details but i think dad was quite embarrassed not embarrassed enough to switch it off obviously then someone's like in between plague and people bizarre fruit not that embarrassed was that an album or a track i don't know because he did love one track

over and over didn't he famously and then someone's like it was so late he thought we were all asleep well i assume he did slash hope yes mum's feet were up on the dashboard i mean this is saying a lot about our family uh travel sorry i know this is a tangent but how on earth did your mum have enough room to put your legs up onto the dashboard oh I'm quite partial to that position yeah and the cars were so heavily

like packed in with shit that like the footwells were being used for storage your hoofs can go into like almost I don't know but there's a child behind you

you're probably crushing them with your seat so far back no because what you're misunderstanding is that your body is quite far forward but your legs are sort of going

into the windscreen oh right and like you have to she had stuff under her legs to there was yeah yeah i cannot stress james oh it's chaos i feel like there's some of them like hanging on the side one strap to the roof i imagine a sidecar and then i was like you know how old was you know because i was quite young so the little ones were way younger and i and one of them was like i don't remember anything apart from just being really confused i didn't really understand what it was i just thought it was strange it was strange it was highly strange very strange but the other was like i remember an awkward feeling and a very soft voice

that's trauma right there this is awful um and I can't believe I've never mentioned it on the show. It's such an obvious link to the show. Yeah. We obviously need to know what the book is. I know. I haven't asked him what it was. But it was just a novel that was being read. And there was obviously a sex scene in it.

But it was so cringe. And also, switch it off. Your kids are in the car. But it's like, you know when a sex scene comes on the telly and you're watching it with your whole family nobody wants to be the one to flinch nobody wants to switch it off because you're sort of playing a game of chicken and i guess he was thinking i'm just hoping it'll end and like nobody will have detected it but when you're on a car journey like that as a kid you're never properly asleep eyes no yeah exactly eyes are closed but

you're like going in and out of consciousness So literary porn has been in your life. Like, you know, if we made the film, like the opening scene would be this. And then it'd be like 20 years later. Absolutely. Well, I'm a bit like, was that what helped plant the seed for him? That like, but...

And for you. Why me? Because you made it an audio thing. Oh, yeah. Why me? You're traumatising children now on car rides right i hadn't even put those two things together you're right because obviously it was way before podcasting was a thing yeah strange anyway that's my story for today if you'd chirped in from the

back seat and been like oh chance to be a fine thing or like oh but you bloody did you would have had the pilot that is a very sad story thank you for sharing those car rides honestly how did they get through them so when you say you didn't stop at all for a I just think about how often the Levine stopped on a family holiday drive we'd usually go north to Scotland or south to Cornwall either way it's a six-hour drive we'd be stopping to puke we'd be stopping to wee so how long would you drive for I remember once driving to Prague and needing a wee

so badly that you know when it just begins to start to hurt no because I don't leave it that long and I had to get

a water bottle oh my god stop there and I pissed in a bottle I did because he wouldn't stop the car with all of your family

in the car yeah but like hidden how hidden would it be you sat next to eight of your sisters but when I stop the car. With all of your family in the car? Yeah, but like hidden. How hidden would it be? You're sat next to eight of your sisters. But when I say the car was packed, you don't understand. I couldn't see any of my sisters. How could you see the bottle?

Because it would be packed up like literally between seats, sky high with bedding, with bags. Rancid. You're rancid people. How many? There are six of us in one vehicle. But that's also six people's luggage. Six people's, with bags. Rancid. You're rancid people. How many? There are six of us in one vehicle, but that's also six people's luggage. Six people's, you know.

And Jamie travels with three trunks alone. Sounds like six people's wee in bottles that they've got to carry around. This sounds like torture. Like, this is the kind of thing. You're played the same song over and over again. You're not allowed to use the toilet. You are packed.

You can't move. Oh, what a childhood. Your mum's trotters are like all over the place. She'll love you for that. Thank God she doesn't listen. Trotters is your word. Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

I'm using a Mortonism to try and be in the gang. With little hoofs. Hoofs. That's it. Hoofs. But yeah, I know. Very strange. But you know, character building.

We drove to Prague once and didn't stop it's just madness pissed in a bottle pissed in a bottle what a holiday it was piss wasn't it we did establish you weed in a bottle

not anything else what do you mean Jesus Christ oh you mean during the audiobook oh yeah can you imagine my memory's a bit nicer

than yours okay yeah go well like he's just very good at doling as we know from the books like he's very good at doling as we know from the books like he's very good at doling out business advice oh yeah yeah he once got me the zurich axioms i don't know if you've heard of this book it's like a book that gives you kind of advice on how to play

the stock market i think like how to make money from money you've clearly enjoyed it i've never read it but the other thing like i think it was your mom and your dad right once told me although they have since denied it we were like having drinks one night when they were talking about how to make money they were like buy rice i was like what buy rice rice rice is the new gold what are you talking about what mean? Well, I guess like climate change, like food. Stop saying words without words in between. When was this? Oh, this was years ago.

But they have since denied it. But they definitely were like... Denied it. On the record. Invest in rice. And did you? No, because where am I going to store loads of Uncle Ben's? I know you buy it in bulk, but where am I going to put it all?

No, I think they mean invest in a rice company in their shares, not buy loads of rice. Oh, I thought they meant buy rice. What, like the way that you would have gold in a vault? You were just going to have

loads of rotting rice in a vault. Well, maybe they said buy cheap, buy twice. What on earth is going on? How drunk were you? Yeah. This was pre-podcast. you yeah this was pre-podcast yeah this was pre-podcast

but yeah I mean I never actually took their advice and they have since denied it but guys if you want to make money buy rice get that rice

James I hate to break this to you but the rice market is absolutely soaring is it booming it's absolutely booming what do you mean well

Rocky as ever has given you some bonkers advice there that has a kind of kernel a rice grain a grain of rice very good um there's a question here on google which says is rice a good investment and it says here you can include rice in your portfolio as a hedge against potential losses during times of economic uncertainty investors view commodity grains such as rice as attractive options rice is long history and the fact that it's a food staple for over half the world makes it a great long-term play

but what am i gonna do like sell it from my house no again you're not storing it in your back bedroom james why doesn't he understand about stocks and shares i just don't understand read the xeric axioms you might learn something my rocky memory is less of a story and more of just an appreciation of his ability to not only write indelible characters

but to start indelible traditions so every year from your dad and your mum because they share all of their phone devices

email addresses all of their social medias if they have them we receive a sort of animated an e-card isn't it it's an e-card it's a christmas e-card we all get it um and it sort of tells me that christmas is here it's like the first thing i get because i usually receive it around november the 12th or

something um and it's a sort of minute long little video with a christmas theme they're usually quite bonkers aren't they oh chintzy as fuck yeah this year's told quite a story about a boy on a sledge do you actually watch them? I'll be honest, I don't watch them. Oh, wow. You don't watch them? You don't got a minute? Not for that.

Jimmy, best picture nominee. Do you know what the biggest scandal of those cards are? That they cost money. No, they don't. Yeah. Like, they pay for a subscription to, I guess, send them out. Because they always, we won't name names because it will make other artists of the card industry feel left out, but they always use the same artist. because it will make other artists of the card industry feel left out

but they always use the same artist oh yes they've got a very distinct style a very distinct style and they have a preferred supply

you know they would never deviate they're very loyal and the music the music so tinny I okay now you've just

been mean I look forward to it every year it genuinely tells me that the festive times are upon us and me and James obviously have much

emptier lives than you because I'm watching it from start to finish. I get birthday ones as well. Okay, well, I don't get those. Oh, what? Do you not get birthday ones? No.

You could get a birthday one. Oh, my God. This is just more evidence that he's the favourite. Yeah, I don't think even I get a birthday one. I didn't get the rice advice. I shouldn't invest in rice. I shouldn't invest in this. Is that your own e-card?

Your e-card. I will find you the name of the artist that they always use because you should invest in her. Yeah. I would make a fortune. Right. I will find you the name of the artist that they always use because you should invest in her. Yeah. I would make a fortune. Right. Anyway, on to the best of bits.

Now, you're not going to just hear from Isaac, you'll hear from my sister, a couple of other Footnotes guests and even the great man himself.

And there is an unheard bit from the chat that we had with Dad at the end of the podcast. So, stay tuned for that. I bet your dad's booked a um cfax holiday before well we did go skiing a couple of times when we were kids when my dad were like guys we're going skiing we were like cross country what skiing not only the most boring skiing you can do,

the hardest, uphill sometimes. Oh. What? Skiing? Uphill? Yeah. It's almost like hiking meets skiing. And so you're kind of like walking and then there's like a bit of a hill that you have to go up and then now and again, there's a big hill that you can go down

for like 30 seconds or something. And there was a time that I was, I'd finally reached the top of this hill and I went down. And then suddenly this figure was going really fast behind me. And all I heard was, pardon monsieur.

And he pushed me off the slope and I fell down this little hill into this kind of like frozen bit of lake. Tundra. And he just was like, monsieur my bloody dad Rocky Flintstone nearly killed me on a cross-country ski slope but he did say pardon monsieur yeah we were in the French Alps we were in Canada There was no need for it. Somebody tweeted, I can't remember who it is. Sorry, whoever you are.

But they said, was it a coincidence that Blinda Blinked is 69 pages long? My dad was just loving that. Mum was like, I don't really get that. Like, is that a joke? And dad and dad was like oh for god's sake wilmer of course it's do you not get it and mum's like what what what is it i can't bear it and he said it's obvious a six and a nine are they look like a naked woman that's right honestly a no they don't be dad what are you on and i had to just be like guys because they were like debating this for a while and i was like i just have to put them out there misery did you correct

them yeah i just said guys it's actually sexual position. I want to take that home with you and dissect on your own time. You know that's going to be in the next book at 69. I'm really, really stuck trying to work out if it's an aerial view of a woman or just like a Belinda-style droopy boob on one side and a pert one on the other. I don't know. Because it's almost a sphere, really, if they're together. That's so confusing. Bless him, though.

I thought he knew everything there was to know about sex. Really? Have you not read the book? Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, he knows literally nothing. James, if I didn't exist, I'd question whether my dad had ever had sex. So I don't know where you're getting that idea. You're adapted!

No, you're not. Oh, my God, maybe I am. What a way to find out. Oh, my God. I'd be really upset, but also quite relieved at the same time. Then the podcast would be not worth doing not be an heir to the belinda fortune well let's stop right now des martin's support group has asked um what's your fave just a brief of rocky flintstone oh yes okay so this is your dad's uh preferred reply structure

which is just j-u-s apostrophe plus a verb like just saying like just doing um i have two um he was once talking about i think someone asked what his favorite meal was or something he said turkey sandwich just jumping oh yes that was, yes. That was a good one. Which is a good one. And then someone asked him if he was ever drunk when he wrote the books, and he just said, just hicking. I love him. That's great.

I just presumed. Oh, my God. I just presumed... Just use Rocky's real name. How has that never happened before? I'm so sorry that slipped out. Alice, you are no longer head presenter of that. I was going to say, things have really changed. I don't know how that popped out. What I meant...

The police are here! You're going to jail! You're going to jail! You're going to the clink! I didn't think it would be that quick. He's on it. Oh my God, wow. He really does have contacts everywhere. It's six years I don't think you've ever said Rocky's real name by accident.

That's unbelievable that none of us have. Yeah, particularly on stage when we're very, very drunk. Okay. My point was was my heart's racing so boring it really doesn't matter after all that my point was going to be that rocky rocky rocky rocky probably calls a minibar that on a plane that wasn't worth it six years down the drain for that shit joke he probably calls the trolley a minibus while it's good

can we get a new Alice do you know what I really did think I'd get replaced before six years so this has been a good ending when you think back to your childhood with jamie and the others and the other

gals um what's the like biggest rocky moment that you can think of where he's been a wind-up merchant i mean i know they were constant right yeah oh my god i mean so many you say that and i'm bamboozled with options so this is just part of a campaign of trying to screw his kids i mean i remember being teenagers once and i was allowed to have sort of mini not quite a house party but a group of people around and we were all very drunk and it must have been about two or three in the morning and mum and dad were out they came back and we were in like you know we were allowed in the nice sitting room so obviously trusted friends jealous you know group of gals and guys you know having a really nice time we were all quite quite pissed mum and dad came in obviously dad absolutely blasted completely off his tits.

And he comes in and he goes, everyone, I'm Yuri Geller. And he pulls, he pulled a spoon out of his pocket and started to try and bend the spoon to impress my teenage friends. And I just remember thinking, do I go mortified

or all my friends were killing themselves laughing, going, he's an absolute legend. And that's when I think I just realised, he's wonderful. And I just laughed thinking, do I go mortified? Or all my friends were killing themselves laughing, going, he's an absolute legend. And that's when I think I just realised, he's wonderful. And I just laughed my head off. And ever since then, they were like, how's Yuri? You've got to embrace it. That's the thing about Rocky. Like, don't push against it.

Just let it come into your life. Let that spoon not bend, because it won't. Family holidays as well. Jamie's always told us about how he used to burn cds with just 20 version 20 repetitions of the same song on it oh yes what else would happen on holiday with your dad when he was like one of my favorite stories is when we had a caravan attached to the car so you've got four children and obviously our wonderful mum wilma in the front and the caravan's attached it's all fine apart from dad decides that he wants to take the scenic route. Uh-oh. We're going up this limestone hill, basically,

in rural France with a caravan. Yeah, you remember this. Oh, no. And mum was like, I don't think this is sensible because the water's been high. We have to go over some kind of little ford thing. It was like midnight. And it was midnight.

And there were lots of children. I think I was about 16 or so. So everyone's younger than me. So this is a troop of youngsters. It's late at night. Are you in the car or the caravan as the kids? We're all in the car. They would never dare put us in the caravan with the vehicle moving, Alice.

Is that not allowed? It's not legal. With Dad driving. No. We shouldn't even be in the car. Yeah, exactly. The car, you take your life into your own hands. We'd be safer in the roof rack, to be honest.

Anyway, so we're going up this stupid limestone hill essentially and because we've been through the ford before the caravan comes disattached right so it's been clunked too much we all have to run up we've all got flip-flops on it's the summer in france it's been raining it's all slippery we have to try and push a caravan up a limestone hill wait how old are? How old is this band of mechanics? 16 I am and then everyone's down from that. So what, three years each way? Yeah, everyone's minus three.

Yeah. So what's the youngest? Like eight, seven? Little seven-year-old. I think actually, no. I have to say. She was no use. They were put to the side.

They were put on the verge. The little ones, the little girls. Sorry, they'll hate that. But they were put to the side because that was dangerous. It was fine for us to risk our lives but not the little girls imagining like little b like oh so tired been asleep in the car that's like no get your gloves on you're pushing the caravan you won't any sleep

tonight you're pushing that caravan up a limestone hill but can i just say we did push it up the hill and we continued on our journey for the next four hours we did so it was it's not in vain i mean that's why the flintstones had many children, because if you get into those predicaments, you're going to need some kids. A workforce. Absolutely. But it's literally the Flintstones as well. You know, when they had their feet cut in the car.

It is. That's where it came from. Maybe that was the inspo. What an image. You know what Rocky used to do with us though have I told you the story did he write it with his left hand no on Christmas Eve

we'd all go to bed and then he would dress up as Santa oh wow and creep in to put our stockings in so that if we did wake up we would see actual Santa that's incredible and I did see it once

I kind of peeked and I was like oh fucking shit that's so magical. It was amazing. That's so cute. So all the dads out there, dress as Santa. I've met your dad. This is what I was going to say.

I met him at the Albert Hall. You were in the Albert Hall. I mean, readers, you have to remember that these people were in the Albert Hall, which is enormous, a huge, bloody great theatre. And it's just them being brilliant with three microphones. I mean, it was like watching Fanny Craddock all over again. Just someone in the middle cooking. You know, just people talking.

I call that extraordinary. An extraordinary achievement. Oh, thanks. That's off. And I made it out. That's off. And I made his ad. That's the thing. And did he terrify you? Because he kind of ambushed you somewhat in your box.

He did. I got a feeling his shirt button might have been one too many undone at the front. Right. Yeah, he goes for quite a low V. He went for quite a low décolleté. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know, was there something nestling there? Oh.

What, a medallion, you think? I don't know. A third nipple? Oh. Now you're talking. He doesn't do jewellery, actually, my dad. He is quite classic in that. Yeah, all man, he'd say.

He was very nice and he's brought me a poster. He has. Of Belinda. And her swollen nips. There you go. I mean, you can't ask for anything more than that. And the fact that my dad subconsciously somewhere decided to write about women,

telling sex from a woman's perspective, that's really rare. I mean, how many porn films are from the female perspective? None. And therefore, there's a huge sort of generosity to it. Sure. It's incredibly charitable. Let's unpackage that.

Well, I think there is a generosity. I met your dad and he's a generous soul. He's got three daughters. Generous with himself. And my mum's an absolute amazing firecracker of a feminist, raises all the great feminists. Not sure where my dad kind of fits into that. But actually, oddly, I think his books are quite feminist yeah you're right absolutely he is one of the great feminist

writers of our time yes you know from Beauvoir to Rocky yeah there you go literally one tiny little it's barely a step it's a shuffle it's basically a Bronte sister he really is what i worry now is that's going to be in his email signature Emma Thompson the greatest feminist author of our time Rocky Flintstone is a feminist icon

it's kind of the level of disguise that your dad was in that time he came to our show oh my god have we talked about that I don't know if we have for a while

I mean he dyed his hair a shade darker than it usually is. Which made it kind of ginger because he's got grey hair. A bit ging. And then he wore those wraparound kind of Oakley style sports sunglasses.

Yes. A very busy shirt. And a Panama hat. And a Panama hat. He couldn't have looked more conspicuous. Also, no one knows what you look like so you are your own disguise. My mum was so fucking livid that day. Do remember she was like look at him he dyed his hair think about

that process he takes his anonymity very seriously clearly well he did have that look in his eye that said don't notice me don't bother me it's a bloody giveaway. He knows that look well. Doesn't your dad get obsessed with songs as well? He does. He just plays them over and over again. And we once drove from Manchester, where we grew up, to Spain. Malaga. It's a long way to drive.

Over two hours. And he made a CD for the journey. We were like yes. Summer holidays can't wait. The CD consisted of the angels

carol which is a Christmas carol. And he put it on seven times on one CD and just played the same

CD over and over again. So there were seven tracks. Every track was the Angel Carols. I've a dangerous car, I've a dangerous voice. Every single three minutes. And they just played the CD.

That was literally it. It was like, God, I do love this song. Let's play it again, shall we? Wait for the drop. That pre-chorus. My mum was like, is there no Sibley Red in the car is there no Annie Lennox

no MP Paul no okay cool well hang on Jamie you were in France recently eating a lot yeah didn't you go to

something called flunch Alice stop outing me as a flunch eater but yeah I did flunch I love flunch though sorry sorry what the hell is flunch alice stop outing me as a flunch eater uh but yeah i did uh i love flunch though sorry sorry what the hell yeah what is it it's a staple of my childhood i used to go a lot as a kid it's basically um like a cafeteria that you'd find in supermarkets or kind of motorway service stations in france um is it like an Ikea cafeteria?

It is. It used to be really, really good. Kind of one of the best eating places in France. Stop doing that with your serious face. Sorry, is this somewhere you went with Rocky? Yeah, yeah. Rocky used to love a flunch. What is flunch, though?

Because is that free lunch? That's food lunch? French lunch. French lunch. French lunch. It's unclear. Such an awful word. it sounds like flunge or like

gunge yeah it doesn't sound nice it doesn't sound like somewhere hygienic for eating food no much like the setting we're in now

so do you think that Rocky's inspired by the flunch has gone by I don't know if that's the right use of flunch but

is it a verb or a noun do you flunch or is it a flunch I think you can go and flunch you guys want to come fl noun? Do you flunch or is it a flunch? I think you can go and flunch. You guys want to come flunch with me? Go flunch yourself.

Don't flunch with my heart. Take me to flunch. Oh, my. So, yeah, so maybe on this table there could be, yeah, well, stecachet, of course, Boucher, of course. Some tartiflette. Some standard petticoatine. Some rillette.

Raclette. Fondue, of course. Oh, there'll definitely be fondue on there. Eau flottante, of course. You know, for something sweet. What's an eau flottante? An eau flottante is Rocky's favourite pudding ever. It's basically custard with a floating bit of meringue on top.

Egg white in it. Eau flottante. Sounds lovely. Oh, that's some real insight. That's got to have formed a floating bit of meringue on top. Egg white in it. Eau flacon. Sounds lovely. Oh, that's some real insight. That's got to have formed a big part of his, what he thinks of as a French menu. It was hugely influential for all of us. Okay.

So she's just going to eat shit loads of flunch. You guys must have been like the Brady flunch. Bad. It didn't deserve a laugh. It was bad. I've been sitting on it for ages. That's that raclette. I bloody love a raclette. I've been to Brazil with them

because I used to work out there and honestly, it is a hoot. Anything you imagine is nowhere near as funny as the actual situation that you get. Brilliant story. So he needed to get some kind of rat trap or rat poison or something.

I can't wait to come stay for a friend for a friend and he did this whole charade he was doing that he pushed his lips up was doing the teeth was doing the claws

at the face finally Mike was scuttling along with his fingers along the counter to try and get this product and then the word is ratos

of course it is and that was the word same thing happened when he acted out diarrhea in the pharmacy the word is gia here it's literally like and then i'm like yeah yeah here doing all the pointing never last so much in my life vomito was the same spent all the time being sick repeats a phase the word was vomito your dad's been trying to palm off a boat to me for the last couple of months is he still on about that

yeah he's got this old rickety fucking boat like no engine I think the roof's rotting off yeah that's little Nelly yeah

little Nelly that's the one I don't think it's been seabound for many years has it no he told me you just use it to drink hot chocolate in

and a lot of wine yeah at new year fine and basically he doesn't know where to put it anymore so sea bound for many years, has it? No. He told me you just use it to drink hot chocolate in. And a lot of wine. Yeah. At New Year. Fine. And basically he doesn't know where to put it anymore. So he's like, James, you can have it for free. I was like, I don't want to. I think one day I said I like the sea and he was like, James, you must have a boat.

So now he's been trying to palm this boat off to me. But I found someone at work today who wants the boat. Did you? Yeah, so I've passed it on to them. So now him and Rocky can kind of do a deal. Hang on, hang on. Wait, it's part of my inheritance, little Nellie. Little Nellie's sailing away, Jamie.

If you want it, you better... Say goodbye to Nellie, Jamie. I mean, I don't really want Nellie. I just don't want anybody else to have Nellie. So were you going to be like one of those people in the 80s that won a speedboat on a game show and had to have it on their front garden? I was like, I don't know where I'm going to put it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it.

You live in central London. Exactly. I don't know where I'm going to put it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. You live in central London. Exactly. Dad goes everywhere brandishing his business cards. Have you got one?

I actually have one for you. He gave me one. He actually signed one for you. Has he signed one for anyone else? A couple of people, like waiters and stuff. Oh, well, that's fine. So it's limited edition. He like signs the check and he goes I'll sign this as well.

So here it is. This is for you. Have you seen one of these before? No, I haven't. There you go. So that is yours to keep. Oh my goodness. All of its contact details. Oh, it really is. You've got a direct line. Private number to the leather room.

For the benefit of the tape, he's just turned it over. I turned it around and there is the signature on a very lithe, young, I'm going to guess, female body. She's very svelte, isn't she? A lot of rib on show. Look at those pomegranates. Look at those pomegranates. That's amazing. I'm going to get that laminated.

Immediately. Why? Why do you need it laminated? Never your mind. He did recently get a new laptop that he bought in Spain because he didn't want to pay the prices in England. And the keyboard's all in Spanish. So the last time I saw him,

he couldn't work out what was a full stop. How is a Spanish full stop different? It's not the same. It's quite extraordinary. What, they're in a different place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought, do you know what? If you'd have had a Spanish keyboard this whole time,

maybe your writing could have been excused. So Belinda's now like Belinda. Or something like this accent's all over it. So Belinda's now like Belinda or something like this accents all over it. Wervers has asked, what's the inside of your shed slash pavilion like? We've talked about this a little bit before, haven't we? We've all had the good fortune to visit it now, haven't we? Yeah.

I wonder if he'll describe it as we experienced it. Well, he said, big. So no. Just boasting. Is that what he said? That's what he said. Oh my God. It is big, but he's filled it with so much crap. So much crap.

There's hardly any room to move. Yeah. There are also so many features of the pavilion that you can discuss. I can't believe he's not gone into them. It's as cluttered as his mind. I think it kind of is like a representation of him as a writer. People won't believe that there's two rooms. He's got a bed as his mind. I think it kind of is like a representation of him as a writer. People won't believe that there's two rooms.

Three. He's got a bed in there. Is it three rooms? Yeah. Has he got a secret dungeon? He's got another room. Yeah, he's got a bed in there. He thinks you can sleep.

I would never sleep in there. It's uninhabitable. Well, I think my dad sleeps in there when mum's thrown him out of the house. So I think it's more needs over desire.

Right, sure. James, that's outrageous. They sleep in there at Christmas. I have slept in the pavilion, yeah. It was so fucking cold. There's no heating. There's no electricity. There's barely walls, James.

Famously, the windows are made of bottles. I mean, I... It is honestly going to be some sort of English heritage site one day. Should we put the museum in there one day? The Rocky Flintstone Museum? Yeah. How's Rocky? How is he is he oh he's great yeah no he's good he um he's just finished building a conservatory he's already where's the conservatory because

that would connect the house to the pavilion surely it's off the back of the house like one side of the house it's got like a big arse now, the house. Like a one-sided, one-sided arse. Oh, this is the hot tub room. The hot tub room, exactly. Sorry, what? He's built it with his own hands? Yeah. As always, surely.

But the hot tub that he chose is so massive, it just eats the whole thing. It's like a 10-man hot tub. Basically. Business meetings in the future

in the hot tub, guys. Can you imagine? Oh my God. First on the agenda, everybody. And he's just, bubbles. Have you tried this seat? Alice, move your arse, get over here. First on the agenda, everybody. And he's just, bubbles. Have you tried this scene?

Alice, move your eyes, get over here. Next on the agenda, jets. Next, lights. But he's been very worried because you know that the theft craze that's sweeping the nation this year is hot tub. People stealing hot tubs? Yes.

How? You'd have to be very inobservant to not notice somebody going, through your living room carrying your four what do you say 40 person how do you get it out of someone's house or garden uh but don't worry dad's made his conservatory like fort knox so um you can't get in let alone out built the pool into the building like it's all part of the structure of the building was it a conservatory just for the hot tub yes because, because you know, obviously the couple of years

we've had, you know, no travel dad furious that he couldn't get to Brazil because he loves Brazil, as we know. So he thought he'd take Brazil to him. And it's nice.

It's really cool in there. Is Brazil full of hot tubs? I was going to say, nothing says Brazil like a hot tub in a conservatory. Is that part of the culture? They've made a tropical wing of the house basically has

it got a little bar in it i could just imagine a bar yeah no yeah and some hanging plants it's very nice to give people some context it's a beautiful but but kind of modest quite small house like it's not it's not a it's not a mansion uh the pavilion gives it the sense of grandeur that we've described before but it's it's a family home and I would say now a big chunk of that family home is water you know what I actually I remember I called him once and your mum answered yeah because he was in the hot tub she was like can you call back he's just in the hot tub it was like 11 in the morning what's he doing he's pickled in there I cannot wait for the big office day out that we have where we get to go in the hot tub it's going to be like a scene

summer party awful for the big office day out that we have where we get to go in the hot tub. It's going to be like a scene from Melinda Bliss. Summer party. Awful. Do you know, the first time he played me an episode of the podcast, I was in Spain with mum and dad and he went, just listen to her.

They've just made it magnificent. He was so proud. He, when you were ripping the piss out of him you were rinsing him that everything it was worth he was in hysterics watching him listen to it is brilliant yeah like when i got back and played the lynn episode he was literally bouncing off the walls he was so excited i mean he was writing more songs but i've never seen him listen to an episode oh you should it's absolutely adorable because that's the thing we get asked most like how does he take it because obviously we do occasionally criticize him um every now and then and people are always like is he not upset but he's just

the phrase i always use is impervious to offense like he's he's just somebody who but he loves it yeah and he really thinks it's funny like because he can see his own flaws. He's not stupid. Like, he's literally like, that's fucking true. She's got me there. Yeah. We've all got to know each other pretty well now. So I feel like we've done a lot of critiquing of you over the years, which you've taken very well. I wondered what your impressions are of us

how would you describe each of us to somebody else i think you're a very good cement i mean very good if you look at a ready mix concrete product right or cement as you guys in the states call it um and in the states you're really genius because you don't believe in messing about with the stuff you put so much water into it and it's really really runny but you compensate to make it hard by adding extra cement which of course is an environmental disaster because you're utilizing more sorry guys i won't get on that route um anyway what did we ask what is this cement or concrete is runny our concrete in the uk and europe is much tougher much thicker i'm dying it comes out of the barrel of the machine, of the truck, and forms a nice little cone as it spills onto the thing.

Now, I make a lot of ready-mix concrete in my life. This is just about concrete now. And I would say that, Alice, you're the rocks. The aggregate. The aggregate. James is the sand, and Jamie is the cement. And put the three of you together, and you get a really hard mixture after 28 days.

Oh, lovely. But it wouldn't work without the water, which is you, Dad. No, I'm the steel. Of what? We want to make reinforced concrete. Right. So who's the water? We need water, Dad.

That's Wilma. Oh, Mum's the water. Of course she is. Oh, well, that's very flattering. Rocky's harmonica goes with him wherever he goes. I remember I used to live with you. Yeah. And we'd be like watching telly, just watching a movie or something.

And you'd just hear behind you, and you'd just start playing, unannounced, unasked. He'd just start playing the hits he loves it I wonder if he can do the porno theme tune on the harmony oh that would be good

to learn there you go dad little festive project for you if he manages that should we put that out yeah well I don't want to

put the pressure on for him do you know what I reckon he's got it in him he's certainly got the free time try and do the theme tune, Dad. Do your best. Wow, that was terrible. Terrible.

To Rocky Flintstone, everybody. Cheers. Cheers, Rocky. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much It's been a pleasure And here's a little bit of Dad's interview That we didn't include in the podcast

Probably for good reason Probably Okay, I have a little game That I thought we could play with Dad We love a game Based on some of the characters Okay, so it's a game called Shag Mary Cruise, Dad Have you heard of this game?

Not really So you can sleep with one of them You can marry one of them Or you have to spend a year on a cruise with them Okay So you don't have to do anything Yeah have you never played this version? I've never heard this version

I don't like the killing one Because he can't kill his characters as you just said I mean that is hell I'd rather be dead You don't have to sleep with them, but you have to be with them non-stop. Okay, so let's start with an easy one. Belinda, Bella and Giselle, the Glee team.

Right. Well, I'd obviously sleep with Belinda any day because she's my creation, so it's not good as... Choose your fantasy. Yeah, exactly. Bella and Giselle, right. Well, Giselle has to be the middle one. You couldn't spend a year with Bella.

You couldn't. Oh, yeah. Party every night. A year? Yes, yes, yes. Obviously, fantastic. Yeah, Bella for the cruise and Giselle for, what was the second one? Marry.

Marry. So wouldn't you want to marry Belinda? Well, Giselle's a good looker. Don't get her wrong. That's true. She's got alopecia. But I'll sort that out. Go about the alopecia. Okay, good. Bella on a cruise.er. Don't get her wrong. That's true. She's got alopecia, but I'll sort that out. How about the alopecia?

Okay, good. Bella on a cruise. Honestly, shoot me in the head. Okay, the Duchess, Hazel, and Mistress Sweetjuice. Ooh. Ah, right. Duchess, definitely marry. Yeah, smart.

She's my sort of ear. And you're marrying up as well. You're marrying into the aristocracy. Hazel I would go on the cruise with because I think Hazel could be quite good for me. Great company, actually. And Sweet Juice would be the... Shagga?

Yeah, fair enough. Pop it. Yeah. He doesn't know. And then a last one. Maeve, Petra or Helga? Ooh. That's interesting.

I don't know. Maeve, Petra, Helga. That know Maeve Petra that voice that Petra voice is going to grate after a while isn't it yeah best get over and done

yeah best get over and done with yeah that's my reasoning for the other two choices who can I hate the least

so we'll shag Petra then yes okay and then we'd marry probably Maeve because she's Irish and she understands my strange ways of doing things but she's evil and she understands my strange ways of doing things

but she's evil oh I don't care about that if you didn't marry people because they were evil you'd never get married Jamie oh I mean that is just a great bit of advice sort of by accident there really

isn't it it's like marry the person that can understand your foibles I mean your politics don't have to be the same yeah she's a murderous maniac but don't worry about that hump and skunk for days brilliant we should really get a drink in with rocky when he's back from brazil which i think is soon he could come to london fabulous or we could go and hang out in that hot tub would it fit all of us in jamie at a push yeah okay this is a man who's

been in a car with six people can i just say i don't want to be in, Jamie? At a push, yeah. Okay. This is a man who's been in a car with six people. Fair, fair. Can I just say, I don't want to be in a hot tub at a push with all of you. Is that a fair thing to say? That's fair. Okay, fine. London it is then. He can come our way.

I loved that one. I really loved that one. Fun, fun, fun, fun. He is a good act, really, isn't he? I feel like Jamie's revisiting trauma for the most part with that one. It was fun. It was fun. Sort of dissociated and zoned out

yeah okay fine yeah thanks for listening and we'll see you soon