My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Four

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive. This time, the gang looked back at times they just couldn't hold it together when reading Rocky's supposedly sexy prose. Expect A LOT of squawking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hello hello and welcome to the best of my dad wrote a point we're on our fourth installment guys um whizzing through at a really slow pace once a month isn't the quickest i've brought something with me oh did we arrange to do that? It's in my bag. Hang on. Ta-da! Oh! Now, since we last recorded, we have been...

Inducted. Inducted, thank you. I was going to say induced. Into the British Podcast Awards Hall of Fame. There you go. There's the award. That is a quality bit of accolade right there. Yeah.

We are the only people in the Hall of Fame. So it's just us kind of wandering around aimlessly in a large room, I think. A large hall. Hall. Yeah, exactly. We are the inaugural entry, are we? Yeah. And I also, what it felt like, because I was the only one who could go,

you know, like you get that clock when you retire. Yes, the carriage clock. Yeah, this feels like our carriage clock. This very much feels like... It's actually in the shape of a carriage clock. It's almost like the British podcast's equivalent of In Memoriam. Podcasts we've lost this year.

My dad read a porno and it's like, just take this and give it to your merry wife. It's also very the Oscars music, like, da-da-da-da, da-da-da. It's like, kind of like, and move it along. Move it along, people. This is then playing us off the scene of podcasting forever. But yeah, what an honour. Very, very nice to be recognised.

Thank you. I actually love that and would love to display it. But sadly, I know they all default to Jamie Morton's house. So I'll never see that again. I can see him, like, eyeing it up as we speak. It's called my dad wrote a porno. No, you can have this one. It's called My Dad Wrote a Porno No You can have this one

It's called Your Dad Wrote a Porno Sorry Whose phone was that? If I did that he'd be like why are you not on flight mode? Jamie is that your phone?

Yeah sorry that will never happen again Oh my god Absolutely outrageous Do we even need him on this show? Yeah There's a way to like remove him on the show yeah there's a

way to like remove him from it somehow my friend's dad wrote a corner yeah exactly um my colleague's dad wrote someone i know who's dad wrote a photo a guy i went to uni's with dad oh god a friend of my friend James's dad, right, of Horner. Well, actually, that's quite fitting, Alice, because we're doing an episode full of the moments in the podcast that we basically lost our shit. We laughed so much that we couldn't breathe. This is going to be an annoying episode.

It's going to be full of squawking. Yeah, I've tried to kind of pepper through some light-hearted funny bits without it just being constant wheezing and your bird laugh James which is popular but fuck me very very screechy in your defense none of us have a Hollywood laugh like we've all got quite grating laughs yeah I've learned as well to like throw my head back from the um because if i if i laugh directly into the mic it's going to distort it it's going to go so i don't know if you noticed but i have started to throw my head back when i start to laugh because i'm a professional and that's why we won an award he's obsessed with that award it's always the weirdest things that make us like

crease as well isn't it it's so often like names yes so rarely what rocky and ken the number of names we've laughed at in this book is yeah too many to count yeah i think i'm probably thinking of the one that you're thinking of you think you're thinking of what i'm thinking on the count of three one two three oh there's so many characters it could be okay georgieie Corgy, we're going to go into it now. Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella's. Telly! Oh, Bella, what do you like doing? Telly!

Oh, okay. Any hobbies? Telly. Oh, okay. Any hobbies? Telly. Anything in particular? Telly. Web is on. Telly was a favourite pastime of Bella. Who even says telly?

But Belinda was unfamiliar with its treasures. She's unfamiliar with telly. Are you serious? She doesn't know what telly is. She much preferred to practice decoupage in her downtime. Oh, so, wait, we thought we were maybe in the 80s, but we're in the, I don't know, 1800s? What's decoupage? Cutting out things from magazines and sticking them to bits of furniture.

Bella! No, that's Belinda's first time. Making, like, scrapbook spaces. No, on like tables and chairs and stuff. Decorating surfaces of furniture with cutout pictures generally of flowers and then putting paper paste over the top and varnishing it.

It's too, honestly. It's just not true. We've never known her to do that. They're the best They're the best two women I've ever met They're so wonderful Long may they live Their shitty little lives

I'm so glad she didn't die. A simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves. Distressed. Oh, I can't. Oh, God. Oh, no, don't make. Don't put me with the cause, please. So, a simple lunch.

Very simple. A simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves and blue cheese fish mousse... Oh, God! That's disgusting! Has your dad ever eaten food? Why does he always choose the rankest stuff I've ever heard of? That's repulsive! Oh, God!

Blue cheese fish mousse! Oh, God. Blue cheese fish. Oh, God. He's just put posh words together. Blue cheese fish. On a bed of distressed lettuce lies a blue cheese fish mousse. Oh, God. I was just sick all over the desk. And it looked more appetising than the blue cheese fish mix.

Bella, international sales director. She is still international sales director. Wasted no time in jumping onto head of marketing, Ian Snail. Oh, my God. The snail meisters at Buckfest. Ian Snail leaves the trail. Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Sorry, we're just talking about Ian Snail At the end of Box 6 How have we never heard about Ian before Ian Snail And Mark is like Ian Snail Carries his office on his back

He doesn't need to read that So she was He carries his office on his back. He doesn't need to read that. So, she wasted it. Jamie, stop the book there. Stop it. That's enough. Oh, my God. It cannot be topped.

It shall be tossed. Oh, Christ. Ian Snail. Ian fucking Snail. As I live and breathe. Ian Snail. As I live and breathe. Ian snail. I'm going to have a bollard. Ian snail. Sorry.

We have to put a warning on this. They're just saying Ian snail. Ian snail is allergic to salt. He's not a slug. Aren't they the same? They are. They are slugs with houses. aren't they the same they are

they're snuck with houses I just spat my champagne all over my face I would ask why we've never heard about him before because this is the best day of my life

it takes him so long to get to the office oh Ian Snail's late again oh Oh, Ian Snail's late again. Oh, wow. Snail. Stupid little Ian Snail. So, so, wait, wait, wait, what's his job?

Head of marketing. Head of marketing, okay. So, ballet international sales director. He's on the marketing snail. Head of Marketing. So Ballet International Sales Director wasted wasted no time in jumping onto Head of Marketing

Ian Snail. You'll slide right off. Don't need to jump. Walk up to him. Don't crunch him. Ian Snail's lap. She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone.

Such a weird description. Is this why he's never at the parties? It sounds like a dickhead. Ian Snow, what twat? She knew he was a prude who looked down on everyone and would no doubt lambast her in his slot on tomorrow's Steeles radio broadcast. What on earth? Are you kidding me?

This is Ian Snow in the morning. It's been a damn night, so Ian Snail's about. Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room and sang... OK, Georgie, poor G. To the tune of Okay Georgie, poor G We have only 40 minutes to get out On our boats Okay Georgie, poor G What are you talking about?

I don't want to do birdie. I love birdie. What's into the tune? Would you have a better tune that you would give it to? Have you just decided that's the tune? Oh my God, it goes straight to Hades. I can't bear him doing it again, but he's going to do it again. Oh my God.

He won't get past 40. He won't get past 40. He won't get past 40. I won't do it. Okay, so Giselle literally skipped back to the interrogation room. So you're getting used over Georgie Porgie. Okay, he's so excited. And sang. Okay, Georgie Porgie, we only have 40 minutes to get out

or thereabout. Pack your stuff and slints. What was that tune? Pack your stuff and slints! Pack your stuff and slints! We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester. Sylvester?

That's his surname? Sylvester. Not so weird. Okay. Oh, God, this is going to be an absolute honker, isn't it? I think I can do it. And Giselle... Is it just a lot of consonants?

Mars Chalk and Weird. Declots. Declots Declots I don't Let's see What did you even say? That's literally every letter in the alphabet You didn't say anything before Declots And Giselle

Mars Chalkover de Klotz this is still best ladies and gentlemen yeah seriously and here are the people that we could request if we so desire

oh my god these names are gonna be fucking amazing strap yourself in oh my god it's just gonna be fantastic Fucking amazing. Strap yourself in. Oh my God. This is going to be fantastic. James Peterson.

Isn't he an author? HR department. International Clothing Australia. Oh my God. Norman Chongui. Norman what? Tonga? Congee.

Norman Tongui. Excuse me. Do it again. Once more for the top. Once more with feeling. Norman Tongui. I don't know what you're saying. Once more for the top. Once more with feeling. Norman Togwi. Don't know what you're saying. University of London Business School.

Togwi. Pass me the CV. Give me the CV. Oh my God. I think I'm going to cry. Norman Togwi. So Norman. Norman T-O-G-U-I.

That's not a name. Oh, my God. It is the best name I've ever heard. Why is he called Norman? Norman Togwi. Right, I'm going on Facebook. I'm going to see if there's a Norman Togwi. Oh, my God.

There's, what, a billion people on Facebook? Yeah. Not one Norman Togwi. Why has he just put loads of letters together? Her nipples hardened with her feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the whole of the fateful Titanic together. Yay!

The Duchess has got nipples from the Titanic. The Titanic! Titanic's my favourite film so I know exactly what he's talking about here. Iceberg, iceberg. So specific. Here's a reference I can get on board with.

So unsexy, so many people died. Like, why are you using the Titanic as a sexual reference? Please read that again. That is amazing. Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom, and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together. The fateful Titanic.

How big are her nipples? Apart from anything else. It was the ship of dreams, for fuck's sake. It was massive. It really was. Three inches. It is factually correct. okay this will be good

oh god what is this going to be? Come on, Dad. I already hard disagree. It is factually correct to say that lust is as powerful a drug as heroin. And Belinda was an addict scoring on the badass streets of desire. And the Duchess mounted her beautiful horse, Toffee Apple Chew. Toffee Apple Chew. Toffee Apple Chew! Why are we only into a series about Toffee Apple Chew?

I could do with a Toffee Apple Chew right about now. She rode a horse. A stallion. Well, she brings that to the office every time, does she? Must do. And they're a secret order. And she's brought a horse to the office. Hey, toffee apple chew is very, very inconspicuous, Alice.

Yeah, let's not draw attention to ourselves. And then a convoy of every kind of car you've ever seen. Yeah. with every kind of car you've ever seen. Yeah. The butler shouted, Avancé! Again.

Once more. And red-suited valets appeared in unison and cleared the floor of all the discarded garments. Good, because that was going to ruin it for me. Unbeknown to the contestants, the club would immediately send them all to a charity organisation for distribution to its shops throughout Belgium. What? Their clothes?

Oh God. They're not seeing them again? That's it. That was a lovely dress. It's not what they've been greeting. You're out at the end of the night. I'm sorry, you've done what? I'm here to collect my clothes.

Oh, that's in an Oxfam in Bruges. I don't know why they would do that. What are they going to wear at the end of the night? Their dignity, James. They're on all their pockets. They're wallets And their pants Their pants They're all business people

Their dirty pants and socks Look Levine's crying I can't bear it Unbeknownst to the contestants The club would immediately Send them to a charity organisation For distribution to its shops

Throughout Belgium Immediately as well That night Get them in the van Quick Seconds later The butler shouted into its shop throughout Belgium. Immediately as well. That night. Get him in the van. Quick. Seconds later, the butler shouted,

Descende. So what? Get down, one. Get down, one. Get down, one. Why? At that command, all the ladies stepped down from their chairs.

They got down Yeah They literally got down They started boogieing What is the game Like what's the Uncharted What is the game

It's a song we sing What is the game No one knows the game What is the game Where my clothes go What is the game Where my skirt at What is the game My No one knows the game. What is the game? Where my clothes go. What is the game? Where my skirt at. What is the game? My keys were in there. What is

the game? That was my grandma's. What is the game? Belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a citizen's arrest. That took my breath away. What tools? What are the tools? Get your hammer out.

Wait, are you going to say she's going to handcuff him? Because that's not what you do on a citizen's arrest. No, she's not going to handcuff him. She's going to fashion handc him? Because that's not what you do on a Citizen's Array. No, she's not going to handcuff him. She's going to fashion handcuffs. Like a blacksmith. Puts on a welder's mask. Great. I also want to personally thank Sir James Godwin for letting us have this opportunity

to raise some much-needed money for our local charity, the Asses and Donkeys Trust. What kind of asses are we talking about here? I can now die happy. This is my favourite bit of Belinda Blinked. I found my new charity to support. So once a year, sorry, let me just get this straight. Once a year, the pots and pans industry this straight once a year the Pots and Pans industry

get together for a charity event. A charity tombola hosted by Sir James Godwin. Sir James Godwin of course, sorry a knight of the realm for the Ashes and Donkey What Association. No, Trust. Trust. The Trust. Oh good god.

Are they, I don't know if you can ask Rocky this are they looking for an ambassador Because I am willing to take on that role You couldn't write it But apparently you did You shouldn't write it I think that's what you meant George

You Asshole Vomit chunderbuff You Vomit chunderbuff Vomit chunderbuff I say Vomit chunderbuff Vomit Chunderbuff Vomit Chunderbuff I say Vomit Chunderbuff Vomit Chunderbuff

I thought that was like a German column Vomit Chunderbuff Hair Vomit Chunderbuff Hello I'm James Vomit Chunderbuff Oh You know Mrs. Marshalk of Ulster Claus? Like, I'm a hair vomit underbath.

So he goes, George, you asshole vomit underbath. You have spew sick wretch. So he's like, George, you. Oh, God. She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind. The flesh of mankind. This has got biblical, hasn't it? Peter's cock represents the whole of mankind. How big is it?

Oh, my God. That is such a good phrase. So his cock is... The creme de la creme of cock. Don't call it the creme de la creme. I think that's about to come, the creme de la creme. She's about to have the creme de la creme. The creme de la creme.

She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind. I mean... I love that. That is so stupid. Oh my God,ames is putting that on his fucking grinder profile as we speak i am none the wiser fancy tasting the flesh of mankind that's right right come de la come we have just launched our wonderful new range the oxy brill range, and it's a very fine range indeed. Perfect for all your cooking needs. In fact, everyone here today will go home with an on sticked in walk.

You and a car, you and a car, you and a car. Did Oprah Winfrey ever wear that outfit? Is she entirely emulating Oprah? Oh my God. And also what a disappointing thing to win. What? An on-stick tin wok? Is that what she said? What's non-stick tin? Yeah, it says, in fact,

everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin wok. Look under your seats. Did they hide a non-stick tin walk under everyone's seat without them noticing in the O2 sorry Millennium Dome building oh my god

this is the best night of my life you're not going to believe this oh no what 20,000 shut up shut up he's researched the capacity of the O2. And it's full.

Full to the brim. It's full. Oh, come on. We want to change the pots and pans you use on your show to the Oxy Brillo range from Steele's pots and pans. Seal me, ladies, Cosmo said as he started fucking each vag at a time. They're very good, screamed Belinda mid-bonk. They're huff-puff, non-stick, huff-puff, environmentally nice, huff-puff, light to the touch. Huff puff. And only... Stop!

And only 45 AUD dollars wholesale. Huff puff. Huff puff. Um, okay. Huff puff. Do it again! Do it again. Do it again.

This is how Belinda sells the Octobrillo range. My favourite is environmentally nice. Her tits hung freely. Oh, God. Like pomegranates. Here we go. Which famously don't hang. To hang like pomegranates. They hung like pomegranates.

You know what Rocky thought there? He was like, not going for melons. Too obvious. Way too obvious. I'm going to have to Google what pomegranate looks like. One end's quite spiky. Her tits hung freely like pomegranates. Genuinely my favourite quote.

genuinely my favourite quote the duo walked through the doors of a German fast food establishment called it curry be versed it's not even a good play on words it curry be versed it curry be versed It curry be worse. It curry be worse. It curry be worse. It curry be worse.

It doesn't make sense. Actually, it starts to really work as you let it seep in. Does it? It curry be worse. It curry be worse, which is obviously a play on it couldn't be worse, which is not the sort of thing you'd want to do. That's really good. It couldn't be worse. Which is not the sort of thing you'd want to do. That's really cool. It couldn't be worse. I figure that if things aren't mentioned,

you can plausibly say that they... Don't look at me like that. I can't defend you if you're going to be silly. But if dad definitively says they aren't somewhere, then we know they are. But if he just doesn't mention that they are or not, they could have been there. So is that now a rule for everything?

Mickey Mouse is there. We've never mentioned him, but he's been following Belinda this whole time. What are you on about? Bella's covered in shit. We've never mentioned him, but it's there. I haven't said she isn't. I didn't say Belinda wasn't a dolphin.

The Duchess has 27 lip piercings. Okay, point taken. Fine. Steel spots and pans is on the moon. You should have asked. What did I never say? I'm sorry, it just slipped my mind while it was there all along. He thought himself a bit of a dandy when it came to women. A dandy?

Why is a dandy? A very, very flamboyant man from the 1800s. And quite camp. It wasn't Byron and Oscar Wilde, aren't they dandies? Sure. He doesn't sound like what I imagine a dandy to be. Big fat

red beer belly. Don't they wear like flouncy blouses and things things But luckily He's got very well trimmed Fingernails So he's all good That's textbook dandy actually

Andy started to concentrate Big time on her tits Sucking them Rolling his fingers Up and down Her extending nipples Pulling them And eating them

As best he could He was like a horny Pig in muck Sounds like he looks like a pig. A pig with a huge hat with a feather in it. Such a dandy. Pig with a moustache.

Pig with a cigarillo. Pig wearing a winkle finger. Pig penning poetry on the moors. Oh my god. Pig in a hat with a winkle finger. Pig penning poetry on the moors. Oh my God. Pig in a hat with a feather in it. Okay. They all shrieked, formed a little circle and sang.

G for gin. T for tonic. Our six titties are supersonic. Oh god! We don't mind men. We don't like fuss. We're the Glee team. Come and get

us! Oh my god. Wow! Okay, right. Send that to all of our phones so that we can sing along. Wow, wow. We don't mind men. We don't mind men. We don't like fuss. That's a very important distinction. I feel like that's going to be the anthem of a generation.

Mr. Hushman, the background goon, had felt the shift in weight from the tail being removed from his costume. The blueprint! The blueprints are in the tail! Oh! Why? Why?

Why? Oh, well, I'll just put these in my tail for the sex party. What the fuck? Dad! What? If these blueprints are on normal paper, I'm going to freak out. They're not still intact. They've been all over the fucking shop.

Blah, blah, blah. He squealed as his eyes rolled from the back of his head. Do we join the scene? Oh, so stupid. How does the secret woman with the smelly pussy or whatever she's called, how does she know that they're in the tent? Smelly pussy. Oh, my God.

What is it? Tasty, tasty crotch. What is it? I think it was tasty, not smelly. Well, like scented or whatever. It was exactly as she had always imagined it to be like. What? Is she in heaven?

She's in heaven! Biggish, goldish gates. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. If she gets dragged from the gates of heaven back to earth, I'm going to freak. She's not in heaven. She's not in heaven she's not in heaven biggish goldish gates biggish goldish harps and harmonicas she didn't imagine harmonicas

just because rocky plays the harmonica shut up she's at a flintstone christmas party she is and they were all there who everyone whoever was who ever was. Oh, I cannot wait for the roll call of names. I cannot wait for who he thinks we care about her having seen. She could see her grade three bassoon teacher. Oh, shut up! She could... Grade three! No.

She could see her... Not just bassoon teacher, because she had a different one. How many bassoon teachers were there in her town? Oh, no, sorry, you're on grade four now, my darling. You'll have to call Derek. Onwards and upwards. I'll miss you. Oh, my God.

She could see her grade three bassoon teacher, Mrs Huddlesburg, knocking... Huddlesburg. Huddlesburg. Huddlesburg knocking Huddlesburg Huddlesburg she could see her grade 3

bassoon teacher Mrs. Huddlesburg knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela oh my god come on Rocky

behave yourself behave yourself oh my god Huddleburg and Mandela together at last a duo

we never knew we wanted oh my god does that mean in heaven Mandela together at last. A duo we never knew we wanted. Oh my God. Does that mean in heaven Mandela's playing bassoon? What an image. Maybe she's teaching him grade three. Well, it would have to be. She can't teach anything else.

Mandela. Mandela. Vodka or tequila. I hope they're not involved in the bums, boobs and thighs or whatever it was. Yeah. So Mrs. Huddle's Bird was knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela. Freddie Mercury was teaching Anne Boleyn the Charleston shuffleback. Come on.

And Dick Van Dyke was humming alone by the loos. Dick Van Dyke's dead. Dick Van Dyke's alive. He's alive. No, he's not It sent him to an early grave To be fair He is nearly dead

Is he honestly not dead? He's still making films He's just in Mary Poppins He's doing these Mary Poppins Oh my god Come on In dad's world He's gone

And he's alone Is he dead? He's just not with anyone He's just in the corner Surely in heaven You're always with people Yeah Your, your loved ones. Why isn't Elsa Mandela drinking with some random bassoon teacher? Oh my gosh. Not with Winnie. I really hope that's not a premonition about Dick Van Dyke.

Oh my God. That actually was quite, the serotonin really hits you when you listen to it all back. Listening to us laugh makes me laugh. What it does to other people, I'm not sure. Like, is it a very specific experience, listening to you and your friends laugh? I mean, apparently not, because people say that... Colleagues, thank you. That James's laugh is infectious, so...

Yeah, there is actually a cream for my laugh available. Have you been affected by James's laugh? Visit mydadwroteaporno.com for help and advice and it's funny actually talking about corpsing and reliving all these corpsing moments because it does happen quite often with us even today actually we sat down to record i'm even looking at it now and alice has had a beautiful haircut today um and i referenced it and I think you just sat down, James. He doesn't want anything to do with it. I'm keeping quiet.

And this happened. It will look better once I've styled it myself. You think that, do you? What's that? What's going on? I was like she said um oh

um I think it'll look better when I've styled it and I was like do you and she the look she gave my I mean

really little nest I'd stay quiet if I were you I haven't scrunched it out yet today. You haven't scrunched it? No, I'm not scrunching. I was going to say that, my love.

What a little beast. What a witch. Cheeky bastard. Okay, yeah, okay. It's not looking its best either. I will give you that. It's the way he says it under his breath. I know.

Yeah, yeah, I know. No, I said... You were like, oh no, it will definitely look better when I've styled it. I know what I said. And I know what you said. And the reaction remains.

So there you have it. Shall we wrap things up? We have fun, don't we? I think it looks lovely, Alice. Thank you, James. Such a suck-up. Unbelievable. Maybe he means it.

I'll just be nice to anyone who's made me a cup of tea. Oh, so maybe he doesn't mean it. Okay. Okay, well, that was really fun. I really enjoyed this one. Yeah, come back next month for some more best of moments. See ya.