My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Nine

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. This time, the gang look back at some of the "sexiest" moments from the series. Spoiler: It's not sexy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello and welcome. Sorry, Alice just made me laugh. Welcome to the best of My Dad Wrote a Porno. And this week we are, we're doing it, guys. We're doing sex. We're going to... Alice, come on. Take that lovely blouse off.

I guess I'd always sensed it, but I didn't know if you were feeling it. And like, okay, this is weird. Who's top or bottom? James, you can just watch. Oh, God. this is weird. Who's top or bottom? James, you can just watch. Oh, God. We're talking. I think you've got the roughest end of the deal.

Yeah, my eyes, my eyes. No, we're going through the books. And Jamie's into chocolate body paint, as you know. So this is going to be really hard. Licky, licky. We're talking about all of the fun sex stuff that's happened in Belinda Blinked over the years. Which I'm amazed we haven't done.

Like in a show called My Dad Wrote a Porno, we've waited till now to do a best of sex. I'm actually amazed there are enough clips to fill this episode because sex is sometimes thin on the ground. Yeah. Do you know what I thought? Is it erotica?

Was it ever supposed to be? I guess it depends what the definition is because if thought is it erotica was it ever supposed to be i guess it depends what the definition is because if the definition of erotica is that it's erotic then no but if it's that it's trying to be erotic i do think he's trying well i just wonder if the sex scenes are there because he thinks they're important to the story it's a thriller with some sex scenes well i just think that i don't know if we've discussed this before, maybe we have, but I don't think any of us had ever read erotica before we did this podcast.

So maybe this is standard erotica. Maybe this is good erotica. Alice doesn't look convinced. Well, only because I'm now realising that even though we've dedicated our lives to this, I still haven't read any erotica. Right, exactly. So not even before this,

like this is my only experience of, to be fair, erotica in the literary form or erotica in the bedroom baby it's been a cold winter it has been a long cold winter speaking of that in the course of studying these books and i do think of as a sort of academics now of rocky flintstone studies um we have in turn revealed rather a lot about ourselves. Someone say too much. Do you feel that way? I definitely feel that way and would love a re-edit of the show, Jamie, if I may. I think I've just said too much about the bedroom

over time. I mean, speaking of bedrooms... Oh, go on. Jamie's got a sex story he wants to share. I actually shared my bedroom with something quite thrilling the other day. Are you actually gonna... Like father, like son. I don't talk about my something quite thrilling the other day. Are you actually good at... Like father, like son. I don't talk about my sex life on the podcast, unlike you, James.

But no, I was in Kenya. Oh, okay. In a tent in the Masai Mara and discovered... Sorry, sorry. Carry on. And discovered that I was sharing the bedroom. The bedroom? It's a tent.

With a snake. Oh. Like a real fucking snake. What kind of snake? Okay. I didn't know what kind of snake it was. It was pitch black, obviously. The snake or the space?

The space. Lions were walking through the camp while I discovered it so no one could leave their tents. And they said that they had a whistle to kind of use to ask for help. To tempt snakes out? No, to get people to come and help you. But I didn't had a whistle to kind of use to ask for help. To tempt snakes out. No, to get people to come and help you. But I didn't have a whistle. All I had was a huge bottle of vodka, which I drank,

and then had to, on my own, get rid of this snake. After a huge bottle of vodka? Well, for Dutch courage, yeah. Oh my God. I love that other people packed a survival kit. They packed a whistle. They packed, I presume, like, you know, maps or like compasses or like the stuff that you take on a like D of E. You know, change of clothes.

I imagine a flare gun. A flare gun on safari? Bloody hell. And you took a bottle of vodka. Look, all I'm saying is that I'm glad I did because I didn't, it kind of numbed me to the horror that was a snake in my tent. Because the next day I told our guide, I had a snake in my tent. And he was like, whatever. I've got a snake in my boots and he was like that's that's that isn't true it's impossible showed in the video and he was like oh my god that's a black mamba now i don't

know much about snakes but i think a black man was not good one of i think the most deadly snake in africa it was a baby but still i don't care i don't care if it's a toddler i don't care if it's an old man i do not want it in my tent. And then he was like, oh, you were lucky that mummy wasn't near. Don't say mummy. I know. I don't know the way you said that with that face as well. Also, mummy would have been near.

That's the horrible thing. Oh, my God. Well, thank God you're still here. Takes on a different tone, doesn't it? When he's like, you were lucky that daddy wasn't near. Yeah. You're lucky that mummy wasn't near. Oh, my God.

I was at a thing the other day. And this woman came up to me really drunk and she goes oh my god your daddy wrote a porno she kept saying oh my god your daddy wrote a porno

you are daddy wrote a porno daddy wrote a porno my daddy wrote a porno horrible right different show yeah totally different but yes that was kind of

a thrilling bedroom experience obviously not sexual I was going to say you've really veered this off course. Well, I just thought a chair, you know, it was a huge moment in my life. Because people will be thinking this, how did you get it out? I got my bottle of deodorant, which was the longest thing I could find. So not that long. And kind of, kind of...

Coaxed. Coaxed it, that's a good word. Bushed. This way, please. It looks like you're in the stalls. Thank you. And opened the zip like a little bit. But lions walking through.

I cannot tell. I was so scared. I was literally, I'm not going to survive this. And I opened up the zip a little bit. And luckily, it kind of just slithered out. And I just closed it and I just shoved loads of deet. Like, sprayed loads of deet. Oh, gosh, get him gritting his teeth. Honestly, it kind of just slithered out and I just closed it and I just shoved loads of deet, like sprayed loads of deet. Oh gosh, get him gritting his teeth.

Honestly, it was so... And then obviously I switched off my torch and it is pitch black and all you can hear are lions and there was a hippo that was sleeping like three feet away from my tent as well. There's no way to speak about other people again. And I just was like,

there could be anything in this fucking tent. Jamie, you're in the Masai Mara. Of course there's fucking animals around. If anyone's intruding, it's you. True, but I didn't think they'd be in my... There's something about them being in my tent that was kind of just horrible. The most shocking part of this story, I think, is that Jamie recorded a video whilst the snake was slithering through the tent

where he's going, I'm so scared. I'm so scared. It's like, what are you fucking... Fire him down! Why are you making content? I just knew that you wouldn't believe me if I'd have come back and said there was a snake in my tent. It's a very sinister snake. It is.

You can see its little tongue going... The serpent tongue. Well, we're glad you're alive. Thank you. Do you know what? It actually felt really... It was kind of a... It's been a bit of a moment in my life.

Because I think I'm quite a risk averse person about things that are scary and it's really pushed me out of my comfort zone i feel like i kind of conquered something not just the snake but but within myself i've come back a changed man guys a baby snake a baby black mamba come on come on come on you know this is gonna get logged as being a near-death experience. You know, like this is going to escalate. It's also going to turn into, and I nearly got eaten by the lion. You know, it's going to really get snowballed over the years. I think I'm downplaying it, if anything. I feel like it's a very Rocky Flintstones-style diversion

when I thought I was going to get a sex story to get that story. Actually, that's very appropriate. Fair, fair, fair. I do think over the years, to Rocky's credit, we did learn things. Oh, absolutely. And also, he, fair. I do think over the years, to Rocky's credit, we did learn things. Oh, absolutely. And also, he was innovative. There were sex positions, sex actions, sex activities that he invented, I think. Yeah.

Well, one of the most famous ones being HS2. Oh, is that why HS2 starts? That's what I found out. You know, there's been all this speculation of what HS2 is. Yeah, so there was a chapter called HS2. Yeah. And whatever happened in the chapter, it was nothing to do with...

What we know HS2 is, is like a high-speed... A recently cancelled infrastructure policy. And we were like, what on earth does that mean? So go on. Hump and skunk 2. No.

Apparently. Well, there you go. There's a little factoid for the day. Wow, that was really worth listening for. I mean, I think that's got to be a fan favourite, hasn't it? The Hump and Skunk. So we should definitely come to that. Well, you know that I met somebody that said that they do every single sex thing that's on the podcast.

Shut up. What? Shut up. No. Him and his girlfriend, that's their kink that they do. And obviously not, you know, exactly, but they try and recreate. Stop it. That's their kink.

Yeah, yeah. exactly but they try and recreate stop it that fair kink yeah yeah he listened to it in bed with his girlfriend and then they would try and recreate whatever sex was in that episode what some of them are just not safe like as far as like where you put bits of you and

well exactly I think you know they did their best to recreate what a lot of mess he's never done like water sports has he he does have some like you know golden showers he's never done like water sports has he like he does have some like you know golden showers he's never done anything that's like golden showers trust you to bring up golden

showers it's all quite sanitary exactly like you know it's not it's absolutely not sanitary it's absolutely not i don't know why i said that none of it is sanitary and you definitely shouldn't eat any of the food after um it's gone through the processes that he talks about but i suppose he's not he's sort of weirdly vanilla sometimes that's what i mean exactly it is kind of pushing the boundaries but only within a very very safe kind of field it's all quite willy wonkery exactly yeah do you know what i've realized there's a bit of a venn diagram with like sex and food with rocky like often characters can't have sex without either incorporating food or swiftly

having food afterwards yeah so do you think that that is reflective there were obviously easter eggs not um sorry in the sex scenes but there are easter eggs throughout the book they never had an easter egg but actually that's a great idea a little kinder egg bonking through the kinder egg um there's sometimes sort of little clues aren't there to like rocky's kinks and i wonder if that's one what so you're saying like anytime jamie sees his dad like having a turkey sandwich, maybe he's just, you know, finished. Well, exactly. Like spaghetti bolognese.

Like whenever he like. Okay, let's just get on with the clips. Let's just do the clips. Yeah, a bit of garlic bread. Exactly. The clips are coming, guys. Please enjoy. And do listen for a little unheard bit.

Unheard bit. The flamboyant nightclub owner bowed and sat next to the contessa. Good evening, my creatures of the puff. What does that mean? Zachariah cackled. As he retrieved a long, thin cigar from the huge sleeves of his scintillating robes. He breathed in deeply, thoroughly enjoying the smoky goodness.

Rocky has never even smoked a cigarette, has he? I don't think he has. Is this really out of his comfort zone? Belinda shivered with excitement as he slid his mouth to her lids and filled her pussy with the hypnotic

fumes Oh my god, she's got smoke up her chimney That's a strange form of passive inhalation isn't it? Talk about van dyke oh my god i've never heard of that i mean i haven't heard of a tamarix flute so i don't know if that's how the tamarix flute works oh is taken in is it kind of like a vaginal bong i don't know taking all 10 of his fingers zachariah crimped her labia shut. Crimped.

Oh, like when you're making dumplings. Or like a pie. You just crimp the pastry. That's gross. So he's holding it in a bit like... Wait, it's a hot box. It's literally a hot box. Oh my God, she's got a hot box.

Zachariah crimped her labia shut so she could feel the magical smoke marinate. When Zachariah finally let go, Belinda twitched and jiggled on the spot in utter and complete utopia. Is that where the phrase blowing smoke up someone's arse comes from? I think it is. There's a variant on that.

Is that what it means all this time? Yeah, Tamarix flute. Contessa Lucia was never one to be left out and she quickly turned 180 degrees, pushing her perfect rear end into the sky. Oh my God, they're literally going to blow smoke up her arse. Oh my God. Zachari literally going to blow smoke up her arse. Oh my God. Zachariah didn't need telling twice

and inhaled the cigar like a cavalry trooper. Like an absolute bloody trooper. He is a bloody trooper. Look at that. He's just inhaling that. Cavalry or otherwise. Sensually,

he pushed a long drag of smoke into her bottom hole. Am I crying? Am I laughing? I don't even know anymore. Bottom hole. Into her bottom hole. Within seconds,

he had Belinda's legs wide apart. Oh. And he placed his nervous cock into her pinky. Into the pinky! I can't look at either of you.

Oh my god. It's gone from her understanding to her pinky. No! Into the pinky. This little pinky went to Mark. Oh my God, this little pinky should have stayed at home. Belinda moaned in pleasure, taking the odd moment to direct the kid's actions.

The kid! Don't call him the kid. Much like a driving instructor on a busy A-road. Fifth gear, fifth gear. Clutch! Watch the pedestrian! Once his penis was safely inside Belinda's labia. Safely! Wow.

You're now safe. Docking complete. Does she treat it like a safe? For all your valuables? Your worldly possessions. Yeah jewelry yeah exactly your cash once his penis was safely inside belinda's vault sorry labia he started to gently thrust and took the opportunity to make some small talk oh brilliant great time so how are you also you know he's just going to get too excited too quick and go a bit too quickly.

What do you do for a job, Belinda? Oh, come on. Thrust. Thrust. I'm an international sales director for a pots and pans company. Thrust. International thrust. Oh, God.

That's interesting. Thrust. Can I have some work experience? Thrust. Sorry? Thrust. No, you fucking can't. Thrust.

I've got to go. Thrust. Belinda Blinks. She's female, don't forget. Oh, multiples. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's multiple in one, isn't it. Oh, multiples. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. But isn't it, it's multiple in one, isn't it?

Say that again. What? When women have an orgasm, they have multiple at once in one orgasm. What do you mean? Multiple in one. Like a big one, like a turbo. Buy one, get one free. What do you mean? When a woman orgasms.

Yes. Yeah. That wasn't it. The reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is just because. What do you mean less frequently a woman orgasms... Yes. Yeah. That wasn't it. The reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is just because... What do you mean less frequently? No, more frequently. Women orgasm less frequently than men. No, women can orgasm multiple times and it's not...

In a session, say. Yeah, it's not a bad... Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fantastic. Because men... Oh, God.

James is now straight. Then why do women fake it? It doesn't mean you can come when you want to come It just means that you in theory In one sitting let's say In one go In one game of In one set

In one roll of Yahtzee Yeah you could come lots of times Wow Because you know how guys like once you come you've got to have a bit of a Rest Yeah Not so with women Just keep going You are fascinating to me a bit of a rest yeah not so with women just keep

going you are fascinating to me put him in a test tube alice levine smear him on a petri dish i feel like this is a lot of this we need to take this off podcast because there's more that i have more questions should we just go out for a drink i think we need to no that's not i don't mean like and potentially get together and then um that was more just to fill you in on everything you need to know. Look at me till I sparkle. What? Belinda questioned internally. How does that work?

A chubby finger, wriggled like a worm, indicating her to come closer. Oh yeah, because she's covered entirely in latex. Belinda teetered in the heels towards the dominatrix. The closer she got, the better she could see. Oh no, what? It's not latex, is it? It's going to be like butter icing or something. About three and a half paces away, it became clear that Mistress Sweet Juice's suit wasn't latex at all. Oh, God.

Two and a half paces away showed... Oh, God, it's mayonnaise. ...showed it was paint. What kind of paint? Like white chocolate paint. Yeah, chocolate body paint. One and a half paces away... Why is she walking in half paces?

No. Smoothed whipped cream. Warm curdled body cream. No thanks. Half a pace away, cream cheese. Yes. Oh, God. Right up close, not very creme fraiche if you know what i mean

belinda sank to her knees and began eating the thin layer of room temperature cream oh my god off her bubbly body oh my god what do you mean bubbly oh you just mean curvaceous you don't mean it's like welts and boils and stuff. Oh, right. Okay, fine. I thought it was fizzing in the heat. Oh my God. The idea of anything other than refrigerated cream really is unpleasant.

The other thing is, how did she do it so quickly? Didn't they just run upstairs and then she like, what, ran in a room? Oh, she'll have a whole team, James. Come on. She'll have a whole team. She is Mistress Sweet Juice. Jim kept fucking. Belinda flexed her vagina lightly.

It's just a light flex. She wanted Jim to fully complete his experience and thought he had had enough thrusting for his first trip out. I'm just nervous he's going to, like, come dust or something. He's just going to... And just all just go just flakes. So gross. Bonito tuna flakes.

Stop it. Tuna flakes? What? Fish food. Fish food? Like little papery fish food. Oh yeah, that you dusted on top.

Yeah. Oh God, more. It happened quickly. Too quickly for Belinda. Oh. And suddenly she was swimming.

Swimming? What? Swimming. In a sea. What? Of pale blue semen. What? I literally have no words to explain.

Pale blue? Yeah. Is he coming bleach? Toilet duck. Spray that round the rim. Get a couple of uses out of you. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Jim's big cock, now so handsomely matched with his big balls, had exploded. He's got a monster dick. He's got a monster dick. Jim was swaying all over the place. Oh, God. Belinda caught his stocky arms and held him firm whilst orgasming herself. What a multitasker.

Nothing puts her off either. Oh, it's blue. I have just come. That is really creeping me out. A loud roar engulfed the room. Speller. Jim Sterling had come. Do they all look the same?

They being women? Like, if you saw your vagina in a line-up... I'd be like, why has someone produced this and how do I get it off the internet? You know, if your vagina had robbed you or something and you had to identify it. Could you spot your vagina? Well, yeah, I mean, I'm sure you could spot your own, couldn't you, Al?

But they do all look different, yeah. You say that, but you obviously don't see your own vagina that often up close. Just because of its location. Because they've all got different hairstyles, right? Oh, God. It's not the Nolan sisters. Jesus. No, but some are more unkempt.

Some girls, like, keep them really tight. Yeah, but it's way more than that, James. It's like any body. You know, is your penis the same as mine? Oh, no, I could tell mine in a line-up. You could tell yours in a line-up? Yeah, number three. But wait a sec.

What are your identifying features? Well, that I'm not going in. That's far too personal, I must admit. But are you looking at the balls or the shaft? A, don't say shaft. B, I think you'd have to

take everything into consideration. What's your most, I suppose, what's your proudest element? I mean, is anyone proud of their balls? Surely not, because they're not the one, are they? they no it'd have to be the shaft all right all right full of it james um but no what i'm saying is that vaginas aren't different because of the hairstyle that they choose to wear we all

stop saying hairstyle i know i introduced it but they are actually different like everybody is different so you know this has turned into such an after school special. I love it. It's like, James, every lady looks different because they're beautiful. Exactly. I mean, they all repulse you like universally. So it doesn't matter what they look like. So what, like the lips are like different.

Yeah. Like different sizes. Different colours. Yeah. Some have got a snarl. Some are really mean. i wouldn't say they're personified but yeah sure so you know when people have designer vaginas what what do they do down there that interests me too because i don't know what the standard is like i don't know what they're

saying it looks really good i would say because i think it's quite common for them to not be symmetrical like perfectly symmetrical so i wonder with a designer vagina if you're creating like some some weird standard that doesn't really exist in life everything's very like very neat because vaginas aren't really neat the way that like male genitalia isn't particularly neat yeah but i wonder what they're using as a reference because yeah do you flip through a catalog and go i love i love the proportions of A, but like 23, I'm loving what they've done with the internal vibes. And the hairstyle in 58 is to die for.

I love the pow. I love the hairstyle. I'll take it. I'll take it wholesale. And is it weird if you see a picture of a vagina in this catalogue that you like everything about it? Is that weird to completely copy someone's vagina? Yeah.

Because they say it's like the biggest form of flattery, don't they? Is it cloning somebody else's vag? Imagine if you spotted it and be like, oh my God, that's my vagina. Just at a swimming bath or something, someone's getting changed and you're like, wait a minute. You're the crazy girl that stole my vagina look. Jeez. Oh my God, we're vagina twins. So yeah, they all look different is the answer to your question

picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam you suddenly feel unwell but going to the clinic not the ideal weekend plan well those days are over maple's virtual care has got your back with 24 7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets... Dove into his pubes? It's Christmas. Belinda dove into his pubes, running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot.

That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard. Oh my God. What? Oh my God. What did she dive in there? Her hand? Or her face? Put her hand in his pubes.

And it felt like grated carrot. It's all like twirling around. Running her fingers through. She's just like twiddling it on her finger. But you know when you like peel a bit of like carrot and it like goes like into a... Oh, my Christ. Is that Abbey Road security?

I think we're getting escorted out. Running the ringlets. Pubes aren't ringlets. Well, they kind of are ringlets, aren't they? I guess it depends how thick the thicket is. Corkscrew curls for you, James. Running the ringlets. Oh, why would you run your hands through it?

Hank quietly ripped Belinda's evening gown. In two. In two. In two. Completely exposing her thighs and pussy. Oh God, it's all happening so quickly. He then took the ladle and trickled the now cooled sauce over Belinda's breasts.

Oh for God's sake. Watching it slowly make its way down to her navel. Like two heaving calzone. This is so inappropriate in a restaurant. After about two minutes, it stopped and pooled at her shaven vagina. Oh, my God. Talk about meat flaps.

Sorry, Alison. Nobody was talking about meat flaps. Sorry, Alison. Nobody was talking about meat flaps. Once he had a big enough reservoir, he carefully opened her vaginal lids. And what, dropped a little spiral of spaghetti in there? And let the sauce do its work. Oh my God, it's going to be like a taco. A taco. Fucking hell.

Belinda studied the operation closely. Did it require just gravity? Or was it the source that did the flowing of its own accord? She decided to question Hank later on this technical matter. Later. It's always best to ask in the moment. Hank slightly pushed back the table, got onto his knees and licked Belinda clean. Oh my God, they're in the middle of a restaurant. There's

nothing less appropriate. Also, clean. Clean. What does that mean in this context? Do you think she dabs it with a napkin afterwards, like when you dab the sides of your mouth, she just dabs the sides of her vagina. And just goes, bon appetit.

Finished. He made no sexual advance whatsoever. That was a sexual advance. He's licking tomato sauce out of her vagina. He was hungry. Hungry. Dr. Stud beckoned Belinda to sit down

Dr Stud has she come up with that or is that his name Dr Stud that's his name this is a proper porno what appears to be the issue Dr Stud

the issue is she's been in a coma for a week and this is the first time you've ever spoken to me the issue is that James needs to watch more heterosexual pornography

are you going to put your thermometer in me dr stud i've been a very naughty girl no it's not not naughty in hospital have you i've got thrush dr stud i've got a low platelet count, Dr. Studd. My blood pressure's all over the shop, Dr. Studd. I've got this unusual dermatological issue, Dr. Studd. Okay, you two are enjoying this way, way too much. Could it be psoriasis, Dr. Studd? I think I need your cream for that, Dr. Studd.

Where is she from? Where is she from? Intensive care seems a bit over the top, Dr. Studd. Ah, and that's Dr. Studd. Want to try the hump and skunk Maeve asked them I dread to think what that is the hump and skunk

the hump and skunk is that going to involve drugs what dark magic was this Tony thought aloud oh wait skunks skunks bums that's what I thought like oh no

oh don't I would say that's the most famous thing about a skunk i wouldn't smell she can do a little fart what dark magic was this tony thought aloud mave laughed heavily at tony's sexual ineptitude it's simple her teeth tittered you hump one of us while the other is eating while eating a sandwich what a time to hesitate sorry you have one of us while the other is eating what? Finish your sentence. No, don't make me, please. Eating what? A skunk.

You hump one of us while eating the other's asshole until full. Until full? What does that mean? The full thing bothers me. The full thing. Full of what? Precisely. But how's he filling up?

Sounds like a dance move. Do the hump and skunk. Do the shake and vac. It was true that Tony was yet to visit Kilkenny, but he was always happy to indulge in local customs when invited. It's not a local Kilkenny custom. Kilkenny are going to be up in arms. If you are from Kilkenny, we are deeply sorry.

If you are from Kilkenny, confirm or deny. Belinda didn't need telling at all. She gleefully straddled Tony's head and spread her milky cheeks wide and taut. Oh, my God. Fucking hell, your dad is a master of the language. He really has it up to the moment. Now that is an image I won't be long forgetting.

That is beautiful. His tongue entered through the wrinkled flesh rim and snuggled its way deep inside. Snuggled. Snuggled. Why is everything so cutesy? Wrinkled flesh rim. You can't like stick your tongue straight in. You probably can.

It's a bit of a tight squeeze. I don't know, James. No, yeah, me neither. We've never done the hump and skunk. Maeve, on the other hand, was going mad up front. Maeve's like, you guys are stalling me. She was heaving and hoeing like a ploughman. Like a ploughman's?

Like a cheese sandwich? Like a ploughman's like a cheese sandwich like a ploughman or a plough woman a figure in the field a plough person very woke thank you guys she was heaving and hoeing like a ploughman and she was a hummer oh god what's she going to be humming what tune is she going to be humming oh god the tune was unclear. Oh, my God. But her musicality was self-evident and joyous. That's all you can ask for? More than you can do, Alice, so, you know. Belinda was seeing her boss in a whole new universe.

She'd, of course, fucked his brains out before, but not many people in cookware distribution had their line manager tating their rectal cavity. Oh, my God, Rocky! What's got into him? I don't know. Why is he saying cavity? But this was what made Steeles such a wholesome family business.

It is, isn't it? It's the little touches. It's what people love about Steeles. And here's a little unheard morsel. But honestly, have you ever... This is weird, just hear me out. Have either of you ever found anything in the book sexy? I mean, probably not.

That's a very rude question. Is it confronting for you? Yeah. Are you both being honest? Because I actually have. You've got one? Yeah. I would need a moment to think, but go on.

Well, only because there is a particular character, and actually it is the scenario, that I think is... It's going to be so revealing. Oh my God, as I'm saying it, I'm like, oh my God, I have like a saviour, kind of prince complex kink. Spooner?

A rigas. Oh, okay. Arriguez when he comes and saves Belinda from the side of the road. And is she lying in the road? Are her breasts out or something? Probably. Sounds like it.

Yeah, sounds like it. And he comes up and he's just this sort of like, you know, knight in shining armor, stranger. Yeah. He's got that lovely voice that you do, you know. Thank you. Oh, so when Jamie does the market the market rego voice you're getting a bit feeling a bit funny downstairs I

don't know I just really like everything about that oh my god he's I know you mean though he's very like cover of a Mills and Boone book isn't exactly like I imagine like the shirt open very defined muscles like pec cleavage precisely and although I wouldn't have thought that's my bag, I think because the rest of the time, the stuff that Rocky does is he's like, and they're smeared in Vaseline and rolling in stew. And then they spit in each other's ears and like stick a lollipop in it. Like, I think I just kind of like that it's a bit classic. Yeah.

It's a drop of water in a desert, isn't it? Exactly exactly the moment you can get something to cling on to so now i've said that right like quite into it i guess for that same reason you've just made me think there's someone i've kind of fancied since the beginning okay oh what peter rouse really i've always thought he's got like a like a vikingy nordic vibe going on. Like he's always described as quite chiseled. And you imagine him that sort of like Scandi, Yeah. Permatan, like very mean. Yeah, I like a bit of that.

Even though he's Dutch, isn't he? I'm thinking like Alexander Skarsgård. His debut as well is very mysterious and powerful. And it feels like he's got this sort of enigmatic, almost like super nap, you know, with the runes and everything. So there's this other element to him that makes him sort of like a fantasy pinup like super napped, you know, with the runes and everything. So there's this other element to him that makes him sort of like a fantasy pinup.

That was quite strange actually thinking about it. Do you know what's interesting though? That you've both gone for characters that are kind of more in the driving seat than Belinda. Don't you dare psychoanalyse. Oh my God, he's trying to peg us. No, not like that. He's just trying to...

Put that away. No, not peg us like that. He's trying to Pegas. No, not like that. He's just trying to... Put that away. No, not Pegas like that. He's trying to Pegas again. Oh my God. Why is he always trying to Pegas? Anyway, finish trying to Pegas. You've got to have someone's eye out with that. So I'm just going to Peg you both

as people that kind of like to be looked after maybe i'm not saying that you're all subs but there's definitely a rouse subdom thing going on and i guess this is taking a turn were you two like was this your plan all along look at me trying to wash my hands i'm like definitely with yours well no i think there is more of that because of the runes and the kind of yes whereas with origas it was more kind of like, as you say. Being saved. Disney, knight in shining armor, kind of like that. Maybe that's what you grew up with.

Those kind of fake ideals of what a man could be. Whereas James, fascinating. Okay, Jamie, well, what's your favorite moment? What's the moment that gives you a rock solid? I've never gotten hard enough to peg either of you reading these books, but if there was one point that I, that may be kind of like, and this,

when I read it, it reminded me of something that I used to watch. I can't wait to label him once he's told us. So, Dr Stud. Oh. When we discovered that that was a woman. It kind of reminded me of this porno that I watched when I was really young called...

Oh, my God. I don't... I was sort of joking and now this is... No, no, it's like... Called Nurse Sadie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I kind of want to look it up.

Hang on. Nurse Sadie. Give me a second. It's the worst tip of my life. Why was it called Nurse Sadie? Oh my God. Why does he remember it so distinctly? Look.

Nurse Sadie. Was she a real nurse? Oh my, she's not a real nurse. She could be a real nurse. That outfit doesn't look like a real nurse. Is that it? 1998. Okay, let's have a look. I mean, that is how I would imagine Dr. Studd.

Right, exactly. So describe it, Alice. She's leaning over a bit. So the strap line, so it says Nurse Sadie. And the strap line says, no, you didn't die. But you did go to heaven. Excellent. And it's a lovely one with a sort of... And I did, many times. but you did go to heaven excellent and it's a lovely one

with a sort of and I did many times so it's a sort of woman in a kind of bleached blonde crop she's wearing I think to be fair

a sailor's hat not a nurse's hat whatever a nurse's hat is and she's got a very skimpy sort of white shirt dress on which unfortunately

has opened to the navel and her bare breasts are showing she's also wearing a kind of garter or a sort of stocking with a lacy top is that that's not that's not regulation in the nxts anyway what i'm finding distracting is there's a huge skeleton behind her it's very like first kind of sexual awakening vibes you know like she's very kind of bombshell isn't she sorry there's a cast list on the front that I just have to read out. Starring Sadie, obviously.

Oh, is that the actual? Seems so. What, just Sadie, like Madonna? Oh, sorry. Sadie Sexton. That sounds like a Belinda Blink character. Brittany Andrews. Missy.

Shanna McCulloch. Why is it a combination of stage names and like people we went to school with Randy Storm Bobby Bliss and Dee and Randy Lee

Bobby Bliss what Dee and Randy what Dee and Randy Lee is that two people yeah I think they're sisters oh

the Hunts girls so what's the storyline what's it about I'm imagining Dr Quinn Medicine Woman are you wasn't she like a Frontiers Woman well I can tell you exactly what it's about? What's it about? I'm imagining Dr. Quinn medicine woman. Are you? Wasn't she like a frontiers woman? Well, I can tell you exactly what it's about because it's on the back of the VHS.

So Nurse Sadie and her colleagues attempt to outsmart a vicious hospital administrator who puts profit above care for patients. This is literally Rocky Flintstone material. Can even hot babes... It's so badly written. There's like... Yeah, it's hard to read, isn't it? Can even hot babes... It's so badly written, there's like... Yeah, it's hard to read, isn't it? Can even hot... No, sorry.

Can seven hot babes defeat one man who thinks with his dick? Oh my God, I'm in. I think it sounds pretty good, right? Do you remember it? I mean, not the storyline, obviously. But yeah. So we think the man goes around the hospital and has sex with all seven, and I quote, not the storyline, obviously. But yeah. So we think the man goes around the hospital and has sex with all seven, and I quote, hot babes.

I guess. It's kind of like nine to five, but set in a hospital and, you know, a porno. So sorry. Why are we talking about nurse safety? No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying that the Dr. Studd element reminded me of nurse safety.

I guess because it was such a formative sexual moment in my life. Maybe one of the first pornos I watched as a kid. Why did you do such serious faces? Why are you saying it like these are the things that inspired him as an artist? And he brings his hands together. He does a sort of Tony Blair, you know, the index finger in the thumb. Oh, for God's sake, don't cry for me, Nurse Sadie. Look, what can I say?

It was the days before the internet. You had to get your kicks where you could. Hang on, where are you getting it from then? You're getting it from VHS. You didn't have, like, people at school who, like, you would all swap pornos and light stuff. No? No.

Gay and a girl over here in the 90s, thank you. You were just playing hopscotch, both of you. Getting that kicks the natural way. Oh my God, I'm flabbergasted. What did he even ask that got us onto that? You asked it. Anyway, anyway. That was probably an overshare.

Yeah. Agree. I can see why that's unheard. Maybe it should have stayed that way. And unsaid. I mean, it should have stayed in my mind. So apologies for that. Oh my God.

Can you imagine if Nurse Sadie listens to this podcast? Oh my God, footnotes, guys. Anyone? I couldn't meet her. I'd be far too starstruck. Don't meet your childhood heroes, jamie uh thanks for listening that was another really fun kind of trip down memory lane and um maybe a longer trip for some of us and others uh but yeah we'll see you later on can i just say the body language in this room right now is so jade we're all crossed. I thought pegging was the low.

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