My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part One

Episode Date: July 30, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. In this episode, the gang share stories about their weird childhoods. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the best of my dad wrote a porno. This is going to be short, isn't it? And that's it. Thank you so much. I mean, you can just listen to the whole back catalogue. We'd love that. Am I right in thinking this is due to overwhelming popular demand, James? Well, you know, I love the social medias. You do, all of them. I still like to check what's going on on there.

And people keep... It's not illegal. You can do that. I still check Twitter, even though, you know, it's going to the docks. X now, no? X. X from Givetian. And yeah, people are constantly telling us their favourite moments, their favourite memories of the show,

whether it's Jamie's accents, you saying fuck off. Fuck off. Me and my talking cat, which people always email me about. Hello. So yeah, we thought, wouldn't it be fun to have all those best moments in one place? I couldn't agree more. Also, you just reminded me that Logan Roy has stolen my catchphrase. Now I would say Logan Roy

is a more famous fuck-off than me. Yeah, that's true. Are you saying that the fuck-offs in succession is an Easter egg of my dad writing a photo? Look, I didn't say it. You said it, but it seems to make sense. The way that Chris and Scott Thomas in Fleabag is clearly an homage to Belinda.

What's that well she plays belinda who's like a award-winning businesswoman though i may meet at the bar after the event yes i've never thought about it so you're saying all of culture are nods to your your head's got too big for your uh body my darling literally impossible i should get a hat on that head these days. But yeah, so we thought that we'd do some kind of best of episodes and kind of starting in the most logical place, which is the most embarrassing childhood stories of the three of us. We really overshare on this show.

You've often talked about this podcast being instead of therapy, Jamie. And I feel like when you do therapy therapy you go back to those early years yeah and that is what we've done here and we're going to be releasing an episode every month with a different theme that's the idea isn't it yeah really loose awkwardly crowbarred in themes absolutely and stuff that's not just Belinda stuff like the stuff that's like our stories weird things that have happened yeah because we did a best of book for every series. So if you want your like favourite lines,

they're still there as well. Go and listen to those. Listen to whole episodes maybe. And for those that know it inside out, back to front, 69, The Shape of Two Naked Women, there's also... Oh, Alice, One Naked Lady.

Oh, it's even more confusing than I remember. It's just One Naked Lady lady how quickly she forgets then there are some new bits too yeah if you keep listening to the end of the episode we might have slotted in something we uh have never played before i wonder why i didn't make the cut no do you know what because time constraints honestly it's like because when i've been editing this show over the years there's been so much stuff that I kind of did want to include that was funny. But the show's kind of got longer and longer as the series have gone on. And we've always been quite kind of...

Judicious. Yeah, and just wanted to put the best stuff in it. So it isn't that it's just crap that wasn't good enough. It's just that there really was no place for it. So I think it's going to be quite fun for people to listen to the stuff that didn't make it. So you mean all those emails i sent after every episode about like where's my funny joke about this where's my funny joke about that you actually were listening and you were compiling a little sort of like i guess scrap spin yes so stay

listening to the end for scraps what do they call it in a pub all that all the beer that's the swishy swill pit. And I'm just so glad that, you know, people have been waiting for this thing that we've been teasing, that we're not gone forever. This isn't that. No. We should make that clear as well.

Oh, so this isn't that? No, this is just something to whet your whistle in the meantime, Alice. Keep your tip wet. Thank you. Keep it wet with that swill lovely um so yeah so this episode is gonna be all about kind of the childhood trauma really that we shared with you all um because we talk a lot about being kids for a porn show yeah well that did mostly come from you Jamie because you probably had the the oddest childhood of us all right the most non-traditional yeah unconventional I mean we didn't get to the half of it,

but yeah, sure. Well, this is a good opportunity to just scratch the surface a bit more, I suppose, because we're hearing this episode about your friends, about your pastimes, but I'm trying to picture you as a young boy in school. Yeah, set the scene. Oh, it will amaze you that I was quite badly bullied.

And not just because I was You know In the Air Cadets In the what sorry? Shut up I was in the Air Cadets What? I don't know what that is Is that the Red Arrows?

Is it? It's like Yeah like youth I guess like Youth RAF camp Youth? I guess No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Oh my god How does it happen so quickly? Oh my god The swill's at the front. There's a thick head of swill. It was quite big, I think, in like the 90s. Vague to differ. We grew up in the 90s.

It was not. No, no, like the TA, there was like the territorial... He wasn't in the territorial army. Most of my life in Burma. You weren't there, man. You weren't there. We. You weren't there. We don't talk about it. It's too traumatic.

No, I remember there being like a youth branch of the army, but the air cadet. Yeah, so that's that for the air cadets. Sorry, you know how to pilot a plane. Right, so I left before any of that kind of substantive stuff was learned. But yeah, I was a member of the air cadets. What do you do in the air cadets unless you're flying? It was very kind of like training camp kind of vibes which obviously i wasn't very well equipped for when did you have time between your life drawing and your theater pass like where did you have time

for air cadets well i deserve the country bear in mind i am one of salute alice i didn't even know you were a captain in the air force one of four. I think my parents just wanted us out of the house for as much time as possible. So we kind of had to do things every night of the week. Oh my God, please tell me what you wore. What did you wear? There was a uniform. There was a uniform. What?

Have you got pictures of this? I don't know. Surely on your pilot's license there's a photograph. I never even got in a plane. That's the worst thing about it. What did you do? I don't really know. I remember going to this kind of hut

outside of the town that we lived in, Manchester. And we would just like go there after school and like do drills and stuff. And I guess- Drills of what? We like learn about things like survival techniques. To be fair, he has survived. Yeah, I was going to say, he's alive to this day.

So that training's worked but like you know you'd like teach us some tips and like navigation and stuff and like you do was it like Top Gun

hang on I'm just going to google the Air Cadets because it was obviously years ago the fact that this is spilled out of his mouth so quickly

the Royal Air Force Air Cadets oh he's added that so like this isn't me. Oh, no! It's a beret! That's even worse than I imagined.

It's a beret! It's a beret! Bring that closer. I'm not sure. Obviously, that's the modern uniform. So, like, back in the 90s.

Did you have all those badges? I don't think I had badges. That's when he could fit a hat on his head before it got too big. Anyway, this is a real tangent. I didn't even mean this to be a massive thing, but yes.

How long were you in the Air Cadets? Oh, a couple of years. I think it was kind of, you know, I don't know if you guys did Cubs and Beavers and stuff. It was kind of like the next thing along from that because I was never a scout. The Air Cadets sounds way more prestigious than Cubs. It was a proper thing, yeah.

I don't think I was that well suited to it, but I'm glad that I did it. I was really reluctant to come today but this has already paid dividends like if we just get this i'm thrilled there's always something isn't there he's an endless well of just like random facts biography there's always more biography i mean i'll be honest there's more than even i know do you know what i mean like i forget things like this. I used to sing in the choir at the local church and having to have to do funerals and things. James, I can't.

I just don't want to sing. I just don't want to sing. And the worst thing about that was I didn't read sheet music. So on my first day, the choir master gave me this song and he was like so just sing the first note i didn't know what the fucking song was so i went lord it was meant to be like lord so i didn't even know anything i feel weak Anyway Yeah Look Read my autobiography Jamie singing

Lord At a funeral How many funerals Must I have ruined I do worry about that Singing running away From the butcher's dog As somebody's coughing

Gets carried down the aisle Nice It's like how Whitney Houston started Anyway So yes This is an episode About our childhood

I think we just Ended it there. Tip of the iceberg. I don't know this man. I couldn't stand in a court of law and say I know this man. Well, Al, if you like that, there's plenty more where that came from. Should we get going with the best of? Yes, yeah.

And stay tuned at the end for this unheard piece of swill. When I was a kid, we had a family friend who'd like humiliate you by going, Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. And he'd like wiggle his hell. He'd wiggle his little finger your way and he'd be like, Little finger laugh at you. And he'd like wiggle his hell. He'd wiggle his little finger your way and he'd be like, little finger laugh at you. I'd be like, Carl, get that little finger away from me.

What a strange boy. Have you ever been laughed at by a little finger? It's one of the most humiliating experiences. Was he a grown man? He was a grown, he's my dad's friend. What? I thought he was another child. No, he's my dad's friend. Fuck off.

And then like my sister would join in. So it's like a chorus of... Little finger laugh at you. But why were they laughing at you? Because they're probably all titting around about something. Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. Let's see if he still reacts to it, Jamie.

Little finger laugh at you. No, don't. Little finger laugh at you. So do you have to waggle it like that? Up and down? Yeah, like the little finger is like belly laughing. Oh my God. That's awful.

It's kind of really creepy and sinister, isn't it? Little finger laugh at you. You're doing a strange voice with it. That's the voice you do. Little finger laugh at you. Are you still friends with this gentleman? Is he in your life? No, not anymore.

And I'll never forget it, actually. It really, really bothered me. It's got that Pavlovian effect to it. Like when you guys did it then. What happened? Deep, deep shame. What's weird about it is it's not the little finger laughs at you. The conjugation of the phrase is confusing. Little finger

laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you, Carl. Your terrible grammar. Would this be worse? Index finger laugh at you. No, You're terrible grammar. Would this be worse? Index finger laugh at you. No, it's the little, isn't it? It's like, what have you got to be so happy about little finger? Even the little finger's laughing at you.

Even the runt of the finger. Yes, you're right. It's that, isn't it? It's that belittling. With this lovely manicure, does it make any better? When I was a kid, we had some friends who had all daughters and we were around playing one day maybe like dressing up as like a clown or something with makeup and things yeah when it was time to go home i went to the bathroom's the bottom flannel

what's a bottom don't think about it too long it was the flannel that they used to wash their bottoms all of them collectively as a family i don't think they had not one of the bottom not that's jilly's bottom flannel that is is the bottom flannel. Yeah, so I was obviously mortified. Dropped it and I was like, ah. The bottom flannel. Honestly, now the word flannel, I can't hear it without having flashbacks. Much like blended with a

trellis. So you had bottom all over your face. James. I know the feeling. James looks so far so good when's the punchline I love that story the bottom flannel

isn't that right can we try and get hashtag bottom flannel trending this week oh my god that would make my life did you have a bottom flannel growing yet

if anybody had a bottom flannel growing up please do get in touch. It's the main reason I use a hot cloth or muslin on my face. I could never go there again with a flannel. Okay, right. What is that? This is niche.

So when we were kids... James, you sound like you knew. I do know this one. You've told me about this before. So when we were kids, the parentals were like, right, we're going to go for a week away. So we thought Centre Parcs, Oasis. Any of the go-tos? Ho Seasons.

That would be very appropriate for Berlin. It really would. No, we rocked up at Sandy Balls, which is kind of like a Centre Parcs. No, you didn't. No, we really did. Sandy Balls is real. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, it's real. Well, I don't know if it's still around, but it was around. No, you didn't. No, we really did. Sandy Balls is real. Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, it's real. Well, I don't know if it's still around, but it was around. No, no, no, it is. I saw adverts for it on the Tube last year or something. No. There you go. Did Rocky find the card in a kind of disused telephone box?

How did he find out about it? So weird, right? But it was actually a really nice place. But just, what a name. Is it deliberately a bit silly? It wasn't knowing at the time. Well, I mean, I was so little, I don't really know. But maybe it was kind deliberately a bit silly it wasn't knowing at the time well I mean I was so little

I don't really know but maybe it was kind of a bit of a aye aye is it a chain of Sandy Balls I think there's only one Sandy Ball there's only one Sandy Ball there's one Sandy Ball

so she's like oh oh really oh no she's had all the entertainment value of a week of Sandy Ball is that a lot of entertainment value oh it's very very well done all the entertainment

what sort of things are we talking about cabaret nights cabaret nights cabaret nights you know paints paints paints

wow paints oh my goodness cabaret nights we had paints tonight ladies and gentlemen paints all the paints

you can imagine we've got red we've got blue and ladies and gentlemen we've imagine. We've got red. We've got blue. And ladies and gentlemen, we've got green. We've got canvas. No, you bring the canvas. We'll bring the paint. Paints.

No, we painted plates. That's worse. I like the sound of paints night. I imagine they just showed you. I like to think they had a series of tins of wall paint and then they'd open them and go oh guess the color guess the color guess the color it's called midnight express what color ladies and gents that's gonna be a blue it's gonna be blue do you know what it was a blue i did so well at paint oh god it's like a bingo card

and you have to get them all. And all the Flintstones are like, oh, what a great paints night. Oh my God. Just went back every year for paints. Guys, what is this? Oh, acrylic. It's acrylic. It's acrylic.

You guessed it. It was eggshells. Sorry, everyone. My name's Matt. Just a little joke. My name's Matt and this has been Paints I think we really struck on something it's the glossiest night at Sunday Ball oh my god my brother used to laugh in his sleep oh that's creepy i know also um one time i had a cabin bed you know like a bunk bed but it's raised nothing underneath i had a small desk for my um eight

year old needs in the kind of admin department but i had one of those and one night i was laughing hysterically my dad heard it woke him up that's how loud I was laughing like down the hall came in I was running up and down the bed knowing when to turn around weird like laughing hysterically

I always thought you were a demon running up and down Dr. Robin style like they were worried I was going to like fall off the end of the bed and break my neck

so my dad lifted me down just pissed all over him you didn't see that twist, did you? That is some exorcist shit. Did your head rotate? Yeah, why? Well, I think what you both forget about me is that I'm actually an award-nominated actor.

Oh. So, you know, this is all a bit of a breeze to me. What was the role again? I was, Alice, I don't know if you know this about me, I was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role at the Cheshire One Act Festival for playing Toad in Toad of Toad Hall in 1996. This makes so much sense.

Brilliant. Alice, poop poop. Hang on. I see it, I see it. That was the arrogant Toad. And that is what we call you behind your back And now I know why 1996

You would have been like 10 And you were already nominated Did you win? I didn't win I was really upset I was robbed I know I was robbed I think an old man

Wait was this all ages? Yeah Jamie he needed an award before he died He was a veteran And also somebody was like Who let the 10 yearyear-old enter? No, it was the Cheshire One Act Festival. Everyone could enter.

Everyone's welcome, famously, at the Cheshire One Act Festival. Absolutely. So you're used to the stage. I mean, this is nothing new to you. Well, I haven't tread the boards in many years. Shut up! Well, actually, now you mention it, I should also draw on some stage experience. I don't like to brag

but I was cast because of my portly frame in year five as the butcher in Oliver oh my god what we

what did you have to say anything I've seen more meat on a lamb chop Mr Bumble oh that's very good thank you did you have a song no no

just that was it and then I scuttled off oh no actually now you mention it I did join in in the chorus of Consider Yourself, but I didn't realise the second time you sang it, you only sang it once. So I went, can't!

And nobody else sang along. It was awful. I was the butler in Joseph and His Technicolor Dreamcoat. The butler? There is no butler. There is a butler. In Go Go Joseph. So you like play servants.

Honest, honest folk. And you are the... The working class. I play like the master of like the manor. When I was a kid, we used to, my mum just used to take us to all the like party places for holidays. I'd be like 12 when we'd be in like Iron Apple. Magaluf. Magaluf.

Kavos, we went to Kavos. Did you? It's a shithole Is it horrid? And especially when you're 12 You're like What do I do here? Everyone is

Naked and kissing each other Mummy Why do those two men Hug for so long? Why are those people Hugging on the beach And shaking? Shaking

Is that where you learnt Some of your Tricks of the trade? No famously not As a fat kid And also as a kid Mainly the first one I'm shaking. Is that where you learnt some of your tricks of the trade? No, famously not. I was a fat kid and also I was a kid. Mainly the first one. Well, I've never trained in the dramatic arts.

James, you have, I imagine. When I was a kid, I did do free Saturday morning drama near my house. Actually, I did something similar, like just in the Methodist church. I mean, it wasn't Methodist acting. It just happened to be in the Methodist church. It wasn't very good. I just giggled a lot. I obviously grew up in the theatres. Yeah, we know, we know, we know, we know.

Most of my youth backstage at the theatre, the club theatre in Altrincham. Not most of his youth on stage, most of his youth backstage. Doesn't tell you everything you need to know. Swilling a vodka tonic backstage. Lingering around. Cigar in hand, year four.

Why were you backstage at a theatre? I used to hang out at the theatre because all the mates were there. You didn't just hang out at the theatre. Me and my sister, we did. And our friends. What do you mean all your mates were there? At the weekend. What do you mean?

What, all of your 40-year-old actor mates? Hi, Mum, can my friend come over for dinner? Yes, sure, darling. Who is it? It's 50-year-old actor mates? Hi, Mum, can my friend come over for dinner? Yes, sure, darling. Who is it? It's 50-year-old Michael Smith. Oh, my God. There was a very camp old man called Mike. Oh, God.

He used to walk with a cane. I don't know whether it was for a prop or he actually had a limp, but he really made that cane... Work for him. Yeah. What, and you'd just hang out, the two of you? No, no, no. He was in the club theatre, but we would go so there was there was like a saturday school so confused why were all your childhood

friends 50 year old men they weren't a lot of my friends were were just kids that were my age yeah but then there was an upper tier of um but why were you hanging out backstage at the theater that's what i don't understand you can't't just wander around. No, you can. That was what was great about it. And we would just write plays and we'd... Write plays? What are you on about? We'd write plays.

Oh, you know that I was Toad of Toad Hall. We've talked about this. You were in a play where you were Toad of Toad Hall. We've heard that till the cows come home. But I'm with James. Very unusual behaviour to just be wandering around aimlessly backstage. Wandering around aimlessly. I was hanging out.

Seven years of writing plays backstage with 50-year-old Michael Smith on his cane. Me and Mike were... How old were you living in? We weren't friends, Mike and I. We weren't not friends, but, you know, it would have been weird to hang out. Did you invite Widow Twanky to your birthday party when you were eight? It was actually really fun defensive

quite defensive about Mike isn't it yeah about big Mike about Uncle Mike how is Mike getting so much back in air time who's Mike

I think we've really that's a name I haven't heard in many a year oh wow we had Vicky Lane she taught us Val Harris these are made up names.

But they do sound like old world drama people, don't they? Yeah, Val Harris. Val Harris. They were great. They were really fun. And Dad used to pick us up. What, did he just leave you there? Yeah, and then we'd put on plays and Mum and Dad would come and see us in them and stuff.

Why is he acting so casual? Yeah, why is he delivering it so straight? Alice, some people sing in a choir, others bake bread. I hung out at the club theatre as a child. This is mind-boggling that we've never heard this before. That's bizarre. What a bizarre childhood. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you know how ridiculously eccentric my parents are. Is it much of a... Is it really a surprise? Everything's starting to piece together. It's all starting to make a lot more sense. They were like, you need to go and be creative and, you know, express yourself. I know, but I thought you had a grasp

on how batshit that was, but you don't because you're delivering it in such a weird way. Why won't you come back to us? I'm indoctrinated at the club theatre, Alex. You know that bit in Home Alone 2 where the homeless woman lives in the roof

of the theatre that's what I'm imagining for Jamie he's just like he's set up shop at the back of the theatre oh it was fun oh my god

anyway this is a whole honestly a side of Jamie I've never heard about like he's way more thespy than he ever let on it's weird

yeah it was an interesting time James say something for the team. I can't wait to read his memoirs, honestly. They're going to be... We know a fraction of his life. You know when they say

we know 1% of the things that live under the sea? I feel like we know the tip of the iceberg about this man. Yeah, what makes him tick? Why is he so good at accents? Exactly!

I'm not. I'm terrible, as everyone tells me on Twitter every day. Well, we know who to blame. Val Harris. There you go. R.I.P. Oh, is she? Has she left us?

We're assuming so. I'm assuming. She was pretty old when... She was pretty old when they were friends. It's been to so many funerals. Oh, my God. Honestly, you shouldn't have to lose so many friends. The curse of being a seven-year-old with eight-year-old pals. Anyway.

Was your first girlfriend 60? Veronica Lane, she was a beauty. She left me her entire fortune. Oh, my God. Okay. me her entire fortune. Oh my God. Okay. Oh my God. Why has he had

just a whole other life? Oh my God. One of my friends from the club theatre came to my 30th birthday actually.

You might have met him. Patrick. He was the chap in the corner in the wheelchair. He's the fellow doing the Charleston. He was in an Iron Man.

He had some wonderful stories about the war. I hope you managed to catch up with him. It's outrage. It's outrage. Oh, my God. Too fucking funny. it's outrage oh oh my god too fucking funny Mal fucking Harris Jamie Morton

you have lived a life and so have your friends have you ever had a pen pal? yeah I did actually did you? on a few occasions so weird. Oh God.

Wrote to... Imaginary friend. Well, I was really sad to... No. I was really sad... She's going red. This is going to be a corker. Finally, Alice's childhood.

Oh my God. Yeah, finally. Jeez. I was particularly sad. Okay, you were sad. We get it. To leave one teacher's class At primary school

And so I wrote to her for a bit Back and forth Or you'd just send them letters and they wouldn't reply No she would reply Oh my god I honestly don't know what's happening That she wrote them or that she replied Quite long letters as well Were you just in the next class

I think Wait for the letter I caught your reflection through the window as well same were you just in the next class I think so you'd like to see each other at lunch still in the building wait for the letter I caught your reflection through the window today

I miss you ever so darling it were love letters great assembly the other day I loved it oh see where did you get

that skirt I'd love one myself love how high waisted it is. Yeah, she was a much, obviously, much, much older woman. How old? She was very old. Oh, so she wasn't like one of those young teachers

that you felt a kind of kinship with? It was a very strange time in my life. But, yeah, we went back and forth a bit. And then I think it, you know, naturally peaked out. Yeah, it was a fizzle. When she just stopped responding. What would you write to her? What would you be saying? Just what was going on with us, you know naturally fizzled out yeah it was a fizzle when she just stopped responding what would you write to her

what would you be saying just what was going on with us you know just going on in our lives and it ended what when you graduated university or

actually I'm due to write back and now I say it out loud if my kid was writing letters to their teacher I actually think like because now yeah it would be considered weird

but I think it's quite sweet it is quite sweet I suppose but like I also oh god how many she got I had quite a few actually it's the Alice Penpal episode everybody

quite a few I won't go into them all because I don't want to betray any confidences but men they were all they were all elderly

much older much older and you had the cheek to mock my club theatre friends okay but you literally were writing to old people. And I at least knew these people. I can just imagine her, like,

letter-bombing old people's homes and things, just hoping someone would reply. You don't get to, like, send those parcels of tins on Harvest Festival. Alice just slipped in loads of notes for all the residents. I had a pen pal as well, someone my age. Okay. My year five teacher was a bit weird.

Like we'd go around to his house to use the computer and stuff like that. It was all a bit. What? Yeah. He was lovely. Nothing dodgy, but it was all a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now. But he was a maverick. He's like, I was a ball boy at a test match between England and India because of him.

He was a big cricket fan. So I was a ball boy. Wow. And what else did he do? He used to have music lessons with us. I know all the back catalogue of Sting and the Police because of him. He'd like play us a Sting song. Sorry.

He plays like message. I'm learning so much about you both. It's hard to compute. He'd play us like Message in a Bottle and have us like analyse it. He's like, what do you think this is about? And I'm like, oh, Message in a Bottle, I guess. It's in the title. Do we need to listen to the song?

James has always been very literal. Yeah. Anyway, so one of the things he did was he partnered with a message in a bottle, I guess. It's in the title. Do we need to listen to the song? James has always been very literal. Yeah. Anyway, so one of the things he did was he partnered with a school in West Yorkshire, Hebden Bridge, actually. Oh, yeah. I know it. And we'd all have a pen pal in that class.

Very sweet. I forget the name of mine, but we then went to... Such a bond. We then went to Hebden Bridge for a week. For a week? To live with our pen pals. Oh, my God.

At what? In year five? Yeah. But the funniest thing is, so we were, it was almost like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire. I mean, we were in the East Midlands. I was going to say, it's not my farm. What are we teaching them? So we had to prepare performances to like show each other when we got there.

Yeah. But we, he had us learn West Side Story. Oh, wow. Not really your culture to be fair. If anything, cultural appropriation. Completely a cultural appropriation. So yeah, I was the lead dancer. Obviously.

I had to learn the dance off the videotape for America. Do you know that one? It's quite upbeat and jazzy. And another track called G off a Secrupkey. Yeah. This is so special. We would learn the dances off the video and then we performed

them in front of the class in West Yorkshire so were you Tony? I was the lead in both I was the lead dancer because America is well I think they're the two different sides

both those songs I was the Puerto Rican side well you were for America but you were also very much the American side for G. Officer K Officer Crockett. It's very balletic and very, you know, the people in the film are amazing dancers.

Jerome Robbins, he was no slouch. So the Nottingham people were doing West Side Story. Yes. And what were the Yorkshire people doing? Oh, I forget, I forget. I think they probably just read a poem. Boring. They did like the long dance routine.

boring he did like the long dance routine if you ever got through security though with something a bit dodgy like you ever got through and you're like

oh my god I've got this like pin why have you got a pin I don't know but like if you've got through with something where you're like

probably shouldn't be able to have this on a plane I once went through security with a cake fork in my bag okay why did you have a cake fork I don't know, I was really

Oh, let me guess, from your time being a professional patisserie chef at the age of five. You and Val. I think I was just eating all the cake, to be honest with you. But no, yeah, they're really mean to you. No, sorry, why did you have a cake fork? I don't know,

it was in my bag, I think. What is a cake fork? What is a cake fork? Yeah, a cake fork? I don't know. It was just, it was in my bag. I think it was left over. What is a cake fork? You know a cake fork? Very, very long prongs. Like quite a lethal piece of cake. Why is he being so chill again? And did you insist upon a cake fork any time you eat a cake?

Well, I'd love to eat this red velvet cake, but I can't see a cake fork anywhere. I'll have to leave it. It'll go stale. Mummy, mummy. I know we're going on the big trip, but don't forget to pack my cake fork. Oh, bloody hell, I've got a cake fork in my bag.

What am I, lying? You two are horrible people. Oh, my God, cake fork, honest to God. Every time you learn something like that about him, does it just make you question why we've been friends so long? I just imagined him when he was a kid, just this little Lord Fauntleroy. So not true. A little precious little deer. I feel like he didn't kid, just this little Lord Fauntleroy. So not true. That wasn't what I was like. A little precious little deer.

I feel like he didn't walk. He trotted around with his fucking nose in the air, holding his cake fork, writing plays, calling his mum, Mother. Or Mummy.

I was incredibly bullied, actually, but... You amazed me. So mean. After a so mean after a day so my mum like called me in the summer and she was like get she basically wants me out of her house completely she wants any memories out of the house she's changed yeah you used to be the absolute golden child oh that's long gone so she was like yeah there's loads of crap in the loft of yours come and clear it out i want i want it out but i found something that is so lol i thought i had to share it with you

oh right a bit of context do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago i talked that i did um drug abuse resistant education at school. Dare. Oh, yes. Yes. Didn't you write a song or something? I wrote a song.

A rap. I found the lyrics. Oh, my God. Oh, brilliant. Okay. Merry Christmas, everyone. I found the lyrics. Let me get them out.

Oh, wow. It's typed. It's simply called Dare Song. I'm just going to read it to you bit by bit. Maybe we can do the same format as, I don't know, My Dad Wrote a Porno

where I read a bit and you give me your thoughts. Are you going to do it to the rhythm? I think you should do it as a performance piece i don't know what the rhythm was but i'll give it a try just go for it oh sorry just just for context what was the um brief for the song there wasn't a brief no one asked me to do this but this is but this is about drugs this is about drugs. At school. Nobody asked me to do this. Story of James' life.

Okay. For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs. 17 weeks. That classic period of time. For 17 weeks, we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you. Assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the DARE crew. What an unusual rhythm this is

it's not iambic pentameter is it drug abuse resistance education cannabis speed and the smoking population yes hang on

smoking population are they drug users now yeah smokers aren't drug users no they did always say that was a gateway didn't they oh it's a gateway drug

of course yeah tobacco's a gateway drug so cannabis speed. Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug. So cannabis speed in the smoking population. Do not know what's right, but do know what's wrong. And that is the reason we're rapping this song. You don't rap a song. James, there's no we're. It's you on your own.

Who's the we're? Like I could rope any other fucking... So did the curtains part and then the gospel choir come out? Yeah, exactly. Like, is that right? I'll see you. We've come to tell you one and all, one little important so that's the verse and this is the chorus okay that drugs are wrong and drugs are right it's a very confusing message so in 17 weeks and you still don't know

dare cannot endorse this message i'm afraid some people take them to sleep at night so like i think i meant like a night nurse or something like that right why are you putting that caveat in why do you need to clarify that i don't know some people take them to cure their sickness and some people take them for the heck of it this is the chorus the little suckers sorry we're just losing the rhythm of it so say just read this this chorus bit again sorry because it's an anthem so think big you're in a stadium we should all join. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. Some people take them to cure their sickness.

And some people take them for the heck of it. We're rapping this song. It won't take long. And it's already taken ages. It's taking far too long. It's taken 17 weeks, it feels like. But we have a question. Are drugs right or wrong

I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus well no they're also wrong and right apparently I think this is my favourite song in the world

and then it just says I just want you to know one little important thing and then we go back to the chorus that drugs are wrong and drugs are right some people take them

to sleep at night so I want you to know one little thing drugs are wrong drugs are right you aren't telling us anything why are you still

on the fence and then it's chorus twice wow it's powerful it's powerful it's like Stan on the fence? And then it's chorus twice. Wow, it's powerful. It's powerful. It's like Stan, isn't it? By Eminem. It's one of those songs that's going to...

James, that was absolutely incredible. Thank you so much. Isn't it absolute nonsense? So can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that. 10? That is the work of a 10-year-old. I know what you're thinking. That's a professional.

He's 10, so he's got two years of Santa left when he wrote that. Just to really put it in context for you. Oh, my god all I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad I mean he was 10 Jamie probably nearly 70 he's 60 10 yeah I did a a um What was it called? An NVQ, is that? You've done... Oh, here we go. What? Jamie, why do you wait until the start of the podcast

to reveal all this weird... What have you done an NVQ in? What, this year you've done an NVQ? No, no, no, this is when I was a kid. When you were a kid, you did an NVQ? Just for the international listeners, it's basically a degree. Is it?

No, I used to be a baccalaureate when I was four, doing life drawing. You did an NVQ in life drawing when you were a kid what it was in I think it was in year 10 or 11 and we used to go to the next town along from my school um it was kind of like a night class I can't look at it um and it was night class why are we at school at night and it sounds as though I'm going to break down it was like an N.V.Q. in life extra when he was in year 10

or 11 so he was doing his GCSEs but decided to opt into night school it was one day a week

I did it with some friends it was fun but we had to draw how old were the friends well the woman

that we had to draw was called Samantha I remember American and what was great about it which is why I

mentioned it was was that you all were in a in a circle around Samantha so everyone's picture had a different perspective

but she was great and she just used to strip off and then we would draw her but my point being so when you do it on Zoom everyone's got the same perspective of your model

so you're all in competition. Whereas the good thing when I did my NVQ was that... You'd always go for the rear. Your art was never directly compared to each other's because you had a slightly different viewpoint. That is the beauty of an NVQ, isn't it? What a fucking roundabout way to tell us he has an NVQ in life drawing. This is where he tells us that you left school at nine or something.

Yeah, honestly. Jamie, get it out of your system now before we start. I haven't even started reading the bloody book. I'm so sorry. I've derailed it twice with Hot Crumbly and an MBQ. I never thought, I never thought

a hidden qualification that he did at nothing is like drawing. I mean, he's just full of surprises. I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember. Oh, shut up. Shut your goddamn mouth.

I've had quite enough of you. He's trolling us If you're not reading the book I don't want to see that mouth flapping Alright Deal Okay fine That's it

When did I sign up To be part of a podcast That's basically Jamie's autobiography Where we get a new Slice of his life Every week Why did he opt

15 15 years old You're interested in girls You want to go out You want to get drunk Legally Jamie opts in for a night class. Can I just say, it was one night a week.

It was a school night. I mean, I don't disapprove of anybody bettering themselves, learning a new skill, apart from Jamie. And that is my only caveat. I thought that you would be an ally in this, Alice. You also enjoy life drawing. It's the lies. It's the lies I can't take.

Well, it's not even lies, is it? It's just, it's more... How is it lying? Years of omission. Deceptions and withholding. Exactly. It's just a web of hiding. Oh, it's not even lies, is it? It's just, it's more... How is it lying? Years of omission. Deceptions and withholding. Deception, exactly. It's just a web of hiding. Oh, a sin of omission, you feel.

It just never came up. Who are you? You know why he's so good at all the voices, don't you? He's a spy. I think he is. I don't think he's our friend at all. So, if you've made it this far Congratulations

Snap And as a little reward We've got a little unheard gem from the archives Indeed An uncut charm An uncut charm Yeah enjoy Have I ever told you my mugging story?

No I don't think so Is this going to be scary? Was it recent? Terrifying No I was like 13 Oh god Yeah Could you play some like violin

music no um i had a paper round i posted the free paper in nottingham the nottingham shout out to the nottingham topper don't know if it still exists how appropriate for you oh rude um uh yeah basically weekly free newspaper i had a paper. I had to deliver to 150 houses in the local area. 250? 150. Oh, 150, fine. Yeah, it took me about two hours. You also had to put the...

You got more money if you put the leaflets in the papers. Did you ever dump them? I did, actually, yeah. I think you can say it now. Statute of limitations on that. The leaflets didn't even move when you said that. Is this recording? Yes, I did.

I'm so glad I'm wearing a wire. We've got him. So, yeah, I was doing it it one day and I just hear behind me oi oh god obviously ignored it because the noise never you're not going to look behind me

like do you want this teddy it's never good is it no it's never good do you want this teddy if you look behind you they're never going to like be offering you something no

what because you want a teddy what it's never going to be your biggest dreams in the world like a new teddy. What I mean is, someone's shouting oi at you.

It's never going to be good. It's not going to be a teddy. All right. He was 13 and that's what he was dreaming of. He's like, maybe it's that beautiful bear. I think about every night before I close my eyes. Could it be?

Winnie the Pooh? Is that you? Do you want a cookie? So I think we've established it wasn't a teddy. Surely it was just someone who was like, will you stop fly-tipping my house? No. But regardless, what I mean is if someone shouts oi at you, you don't look back. You don't. You get that Nottingham topper through

the letterbox and you move on. Oh, I'd have dumped those toppers. What, and just ran? Yes. Yeah, but then you'd have never known if it was a teddy alice i don't have that kind of look you just spent your life thinking what if boy can dream uh so they always get closer oh god turn around this guy's like give me 50p for cigarettes or that walkman because i had a walkman on. Oh. 50p or my Walkman. Like, that's not a quibble of value. They don't usually negotiate like that, do they?

I presume. I mean, I haven't been mugged, but. Well, obviously, Alison, I'm on my paper. I'm not carrying change. No. All I've got is this Walkman. He only travels with plastic. Also, you had to use to pay 50p for one cigarette.

Remember that? This is old money, though. So 50p. It's old money. I'm not that old. 50p now it's 10 000 pounds it was like give me throppers but you used to charge 50p for a cigarette what do you mean so if you wanted to bum a cigarette but bum a cigarette you would have it would it the

going rate was 50p that's mad that feels so arbitrary though like that's not like the street rate someone could just charge you whatever they want for one cigarette and there was there was an etiquette thing i think it was like if you have a packet Someone could just charge you whatever they want for one cigarette. And there was an etiquette thing, I think. It was like, if you have a packet of cigarettes and someone wants one, they'll be like, I'll give you 50p for it. But he was mugging James, to be fair. Sure, sure, sure. So there was no etiquette involved, I don't think.

No, there was no etiquette. And I was like... But you have to respect that he was only stealing from you what the going rate was, apparently. Exactly. Okay, for one cigarette. He wasn't fleecing you as well as mugging you. That's the point.

So in many ways, we're on his side. Just wanted one cigarette, man. So he, as he was confronting me, he was on the pavement and I was on someone's drive having just inserted the topper through their slot. So to speak. Stop saying you inserted the topper. And I was like, well, I'm not giving him a Walkman. It was a good Walkman.

Yeah. Tape or CD? It was a tape. Which I always found were easier to cycle with when I did my paper round. Yeah. Because, you know. CDs just jump. CDs were jumping all the time on the walls.

Oh, yeah. So I'm like, okay, well, I'm not going to go out on the pavement because then I'll be like confronting him. So I cross the front garden into the next front garden. I start to cry. Oh, James Cooper. Sweet little James Cooper. All you needed was a little cuddle of your teddy, wasn't it?

I'm like, leave me alone. Leave me alone. And I think I get so wound up and cryy that he flees. Oh, he's over, because of toxic masculinity, he's overwhelmed by the emotion. Yeah, he's like, this guy's like too much, even too much for me and just like runs off and leaves me. And that's kind of the end of the story.

And was it a negotiation tactic? Well, it was all I had, Al. I mean, like, I always think, like, if you're ever confronted with a situation, the crazier you act, the more likely you're kind of to get out of it. I had a very similar thing happen to me once. Oh, my God. Admittedly, much, much older.

I was quite drunk in Brixton, actually. And I was leaving a club and I'd, like, had a bit of a rough night. I think I'd had a row with a mate or whatever. And I was like storming through, you know, the bit outside the Ritzy. I do. Yeah. And this drug dealer was like, mate, do you want some gear? Do you want some drugs?

50p for a cigarette. They're all the same. And I just turned around to him and I was like, no, I fucking don't, you fucking prick. Whoa. Okay. He's just a vendor. Right. And then immediately realized

who the hell i'd said that to and he was so tall this guy he was a kingpin uh and i did you ever think he's like a guy richie mood no it's so unlike me i know um but i literally he was like what the fuck did you say to me and honestly i cr I crumbled. You cried? A bit like you, James. And I just started to, I was so drunk and highly emotional. I was like, I'm really sorry. I'm just like,

I'm a bit, and he just takes me, gives me the biggest hug. Gives me the biggest teddy. James, he was the teddy. He was the teddy I was looking for.

I just didn't know it. He did not hug you. Gave me the biggest hug. I was like, sobbing into his t-shirt. His t-shirt was soaking wet and he was like, look, do you want the biggest hug. I was like sobbing into his T-shirt. His T-shirt was soaking wet. And he was like, look, do you want some weed? And I was like, yeah.

No, you didn't take it, did you, Jamie? You said, no, thank you. Oh, yeah, no. And I said, no, that's fine. I've had a lovely evening. And we went on our way. So I can understand that actually it does help in those moments. It humanises people.

Or just scares them off. Well, I think you showing vulnerability is a good thing. So if you're ever confronted again, weep. Maybe take an onion out with you and just rub it under your eyes and you're going to be safe forever. And you know who that man was? The young boy that mugged James. Oh my God.

It keeps happening to me. He learnt his lesson and he comforted me. Did he try and run after you? How did it end no no no I think I was just like embarrassing him so he just kind of

walked off wow kept the Walkman oh he did take the Walkman no I kept my Walkman so success story so I thought that was going to just be

a funny story but actually a genuinely useful one so pop a little onion in your back pocket and next time you vote you'll be safe I think it's just a sign

that don't be afraid to show your vulnerability I think that is the lesson of that story. Although, to be fair, vulnerability is what got you in that situation in the first place. Yeah. I mean, I kind of don't know why we didn't include it now. It must have been a length thing. I don't know.

Was that just sat on a timeline somewhere? Yeah. So in each episode, I would edit stuff. And then if I wasn't sure about something I'd put it at the end of the timeline and if there was space

at the end I'd include it. Okay, it's not your TED talk. Yeah, that's right. Who do you think you are? Steven Spielberg? Thelma Schoonmaker, surely. Yes, that was fun. That was good.

We should do more of these. That was so fun. We'll be back in four whole weeks for another one of these. And it'll be a different theme. It will be a different theme. I'm thinking James's best bits. Well, I mean, that's basically what the show is as it stands.

Thank you. James's tropical bird laugh on a loop for half an hour. Rude. Jamie's boring stories about how he edits the podcast. Oh, okay. I think we need to go. If you have some favourite bits of the podcast that you think we should include, please do get in touch with us.

Normal places, mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. My dad wrote on Instagram, at dadwroteaporno on Twitter slash X. Do we have threads, James? No, should I get us on threads? Should I do as a TikTok? Oh, for God's sake, do as a TikTok.

Okay, I'll try and figure out TikTok in the next few weeks. Okay, fine, you said it now. And yes, thanks so much for listening and see you next month.