My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Three

Episode Date: September 24, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. In this episode, the gang share funny stories about coming-of-age through their teenage, university and early London lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the best of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice, James, how are we both? Jamie, it never fails to shock me that we are able to call these episodes that. I know. I'm not sure what the feedback's been, James. How are they going down? Are people listening to them? Are they enjoying them? Oh, yeah. And we're getting a lot of people asking for particular themes. Oh, okay. That's good. So stay tuned because believe it or not, there'll be more. So we might use some of those themes in episodes to come.

That's really outsourcing our job, isn't it? It's like, what should what should we theme them on if you remember the clips could you send us the time codes thanks no honestly that'd be really handy if you could because saved me a lot of time i feel bad for you having to go through all the old timelines and find honestly having to listen to you two squawking on for what eight years of content not my favorite thing i re-listened to the first series to see if there are any gems in there where were we recording and what on i know well the very first episode we recorded on like a like a dictaphone yeah well like we weren't supposed to release it do you remember because here's an interesting thing about my dad this wasn't the original format if you recall guys what do you mean well i don't want to point

fingers james but you were not originally going to be in what do you mean well i don't want to point fingers james but you were not originally going to be in it do you remember i was never supposed to be on it it was just going to be you two i was going to produce it and you two were just going to wang on you realized sorry james but you realized how amusing i was and thought we can't afford to lose that voice from the the pot quite literally because our initial thought was like getting guests on each week. Do you remember? To read it. Oh my God.

Can you imagine this without James? Yes, actually. Shut up. Shut up. Who'd upload it? To be fair, who'd hold him to account? I'm not doing it on my own. Don't point at me, Little Red.

Also, it would be slightly weird if it was you reading your dad's porn just to Alice. No, it wasn't just to Alice. We were going to have a guest on each week. Like who? Like a notable person. It was never going to Alice. No, it wasn't just to Alice. We were going to have a guest on each week. Like who? Like a notable person. It was never going to work. Oh, give me name. Episode one.

Series one. Who are you going to get for that? One of Jamie's pals. Yeah. One of the many Zedlisters in my phone, probably. It would be somebody from the theatre, wouldn't it? It's not from like loose women, wouldn't it? What the fuck?

No. And then I remember, because we were going to... So that was our loose plan, even though it wouldn't have worked because we were reading a story and each guest would have been like, what happened last episode? And it wouldn't have really worked.

It makes no sense. But we thought, well, let's just see if it will work even in terms of the content. So we got James to record it with us. And I remember editing it, guys, and thinking, do you know what? It pains me to say it, but Cooper's got to stay. I mean, I was involved from the beginning yeah you two weren't letting me in I think I just

I think I was sat in the room helping record and then I just piped in and no you were definitely there as a stand-in guest um but how amazing and how you know it's interesting that it really kind of revealed itself to be the format that we needed to go down the format that nobody knew we wanted james i think is what i wonder if there's any offshoots from that first episode that we like some terrible gags while we were finding our feet yeah maybe if there's any like gold in that anyway so um that's a bit of backstory but yeah this month we're doing the best of and bear with us because these definitions are getting really really quite woolly oh looser by the day yeah the best of what did you just say al coming of age coming of age that's it kind of stories of our um maturation yeah it's like from

like teenage to uni kind of from when we met really so from university and then as we were finding our feet in London and all the stories that we have when we were in our 20s, I guess. Ah, when we met. I met Alice on a bus. Met Jamie at a Halloween party. Yeah, yeah. We have gone through this on the podcast, so don't worry. That won't be included in this best one.

But there'll be other things. Not one bit sentimental. Honestly, he's rushing through this one, isn't he? Don't want to chat today. Well, he's got a beat. Okay, you're right. James, just bear in mind that you could go at any moment because you and his mind are a stand-in, okay?

I've always felt my position's precarious. Rubbish. No, how are you? I mean, James, there is a... I love when we want to dwell on something, he always just goes back to, how are you? Well, I'm just kind of opening the floor to you guys, but I mean, there is an elephant in the room

and it's James's foot. My big elephant foot. Yeah, I stub just kind of opening the floor to you guys. But I mean, there is an elephant in the room and it's James's foot. My big elephant foot. Yeah, I stubbed my toe last night and it's definitely broken. It's very swollen. Alice has kindly provided me with two ice packs, which my toe is a little toe sandwich going on down here right now. I am getting worried about James, Alice, because he is now prone to a fall. He's decrepit. He's had like three falls in the last three months.

Well, this wasn't a fall, but yeah, I've had two falls this year. Two falls. And like falls, like when you're young, you fall over. When you're old, you have a fall. So I'm in the have a fall category now. But also, I don't want to panic you, but I stub my toe all the time and it doesn't just snap. Why are your bones so crumbly? Because he's at that age, it's osteoporosis so oh god so in the

summer i was crossing a road quite quickly and i tripped on the curb and went to like stop myself with my hands and broke my left wrist and then it just healed and i was at a wedding on the way to the wedding and i slipped on my new slippy shoes and i fell on the same wrist and sprained it. Alice, have you heard who nursed him back to health at this wedding? Who? Caroline Quentin. What? Who is, for international listeners, a national treasure, so to say. What do you mean?

Jonathan Creek. Kiss Me Kate. Kiss Me Kate, and Behaving Badly. Probably don't have that. Very, very 90s references. I'm sure she's done a lot of work since then. Cornwall with Caroline Quentin, if you're a fan of her. Oh, there you go

you clearly are so wait do you have her on speed dial no she was a guest at the wedding and yeah she kind of heard that I'd hurt my hand

and she came to me she heard what was a large wedding the rumours were just circling 250 guests Jamie it was a big one well clearly if you made the cut

and Caroline Quentin a broad wedding or everyone it was a broad wedding on a broad wedding yeah and she came in like nurse she was so nice

she like nursed me back to health she sorted me right out she got me a bandage so thank you Caroline I'm sure she's not listening no does she have

first aid training or did she just why was she the go-to just because she's fabulous she must have played a nurse at some point was she a nurse in Men Behaving Badly

was she no I didn't oh yes I think she was she was a therapist in Kiss Meaving Badly? Was she? No, was she? Oh, yes. I think she was, yeah. She was a therapist in Kiss Me Kate. You know this. Did she give you any good advice?

No, I didn't get any therapy, but clearly that training still works. Yeah, although you're not really moving two of your fingers, so. No, no, it's fine. Okay. Oh, look at him. So dexterous. Yeah, so you kind of, you were going from when we were all young and meeting to you being old and decrepit, really. I'm not old and decrepit, am I?

No, to be fair to you, James, you're a different generation to James. I'm not a different generation. I think you are. No. Because we're millennials. Well, I'm a... Boomer? I'm a millennial.

Wow. Okay. Right. Sorry. That's kind of ruined the vibe, hasn't it? Just for the record. Should we go back to the original idea and just cut him out? Do millennials shout, I am a millennial?

I don't feel like they do. Excuse me. You just screamed, I am a millennial in your house. Yes. Millennials are born from 1980 onwards. Is this such a boomer? I was born in 1984. So I'm a millennial.

Thank you. Hit a nerve, haven't we? I think so. Also, you're like an old woman. Look, this isn't about me. My bones are intact. James, we just want to make sure that you are fit and healthy for your 40th birthday, which is incoming.

Next year, thank you. Can I just check something? I'm not sat on a cushion. I don't think you are, Jamie. I'm not, no. Are you sat on a cushion, James? Okay, that's it. I rest my case.

Are you really? Oh, yeah. Only because it was on the chair. Yeah. Can I talk about the chairs in Alice's house? You can't sit on because it was on the chair. Yeah. Can I tell you about the chairs in Alice's house? You can't sit on any of them. Listen to this one. James, don't.

That's precarious. That's Alice's bones. You don't have to have sex in it. Just sit still in it. Why are you moving your bottom? What's wrong with you? It is actually funny to think of a time when we didn't know each other. I think we've known each other half our lives now.

Oh, my God. Pretty much. Wow. I don't know how to feel about that because i introduced you to yes i'm the glue and you didn't want me on the podcast no it wasn't that we didn't want you on the podcast it was just that like we didn't we were we were trying to like work out what we wanted to do with the show yeah yeah i think we you know through the audition process we really found somebody who fits and like i i now find it hard to think of you as a sort of second choice you know not impossible just hard i really think of you as being almost integral to it now almost as stand-ins go you're really trapped here yeah because sometimes you know when people fill in on tv shows or radio shows

and you kind of feel like, oh, wow, like that's so at home there. Yeah. And I really feel like that with you. Biggest fucking hags in the world. James, I just want to say for the record, on mic, I'm really glad that you decided to be a part. Sorry.

That we decided to let you be on. Yes, that we decided that you were allowed to be on. Yeah. We're really thrilled about it. So thanks. You too. How do you upload an episode of this podcast? What do you mean?

How does this get on the podcast feed? Oh, the internet. Yeah. Isn't it going there now? No, it's not a live show. I have said that before. It's not a live radio show, despite what some people think. I'm joking. I'm joking. you take this audio in your pocket and you put it on the rss feed feed how how

that's what i mean yeah she would be useless if we both died there'd be no more best of us which maybe something would say a good thing do you you you don't know yeah very quiet about how though isn't he yeah exactly well you go to acast dot com dot com

and you log in and there are two logins for podcaster and somebody else I don't know what you're talking about I love that he's like you go to acast

he meant literally you go to their offices and you go I don't know what to do James get me the memory stick hello can I speak to the

head of ACAS please uh no look interrupts a board meeting hello sorry you don't know me listen everyone is integral to the show I knew the minute I started listening it that you had to be part of the show because you've made it what it is it's fantastic I'm saddened that all you could think of to justify your position here is knowing how to upload the episode. Which also is nothing to do with him being on the show and really a producer's job, which is what you always were. So I think it's high time we go into the archives and listen to some best of content. God, the way you treat the elderly is quite frankly. If we just listened to you, heard your your stories we could have learnt so much I once lived with eight people in one flat

and it was hell I was by the front door and they'd come hanging out of it most nights quick escape they'd come in at like five in the morning bang the front door

and start playing techno music but the the straw that broke the camel's back techno music because you're just at like five in the morning bang the front door and start playing techno music but the the straw that broke the camera music was your university in frankfurt heavy vibe music the straw that broke the camel's back was one day i came down to the fridge to get my cheese to make a cheese sandwich oh god i know where this is going yeah and took my cheese out and there was a massive bite mark out of my cheese so i was marching around the house going who bit my cheese out and there was a massive bite mark out of my cheese so i was marching around the house going who bit my cheese who bit my cheese turns out it was this girl but i was i was so mad because it was just it just felt so disrespectful you don't just bite someone's cheese

you do not bite someone's cheese and not expect consequences i mean i feel like you bite someone's cheese but you like take them out for dinner first, you know? We all lived with kind of horrors when we were at university on a varying sliding scale. What did you have to deal with? My parents gave us a fridge freezer because there were six of us in the flat. It's a very generous gift. Yeah, isn't it? To use for like drinks and stuff.

Chest freezer or just a regular swing door? Regular swing door. One of each. One for the freezer, one for the fridge. And I went down to London to visit some friends one weekend. And when I came back, this girl that I lived with, they'd put it in a skip. What? On her own?

No, she'd enlisted the girl on wheels from down the road. Not actually on wheels. We used to just call her that because she was like a German U-boat. She'd suddenly be by your side at a party. You're like, how did you get here? I know just the one you mean.'d forgotten about her yeah so wait as a vendetta against you yeah she removed your ability to chill things i mean that's dark honestly rocky was furious to this day he hates her was it new the fridge freezer it wasn't new but it was perfectly

well used it was a well-used fridge freezer freezer. But why did she chuck it away? Was it like in her way? No, she just hated me. Jamie stored it in a bedroom. But, you know, Studentville. I lived with nice people. Oh, I know who you're going to say. My favourite.

She was crackers. She was absolutely bonkers. She didn't know that carrot didn't come cubed. Didn't she used to call things funny food? Yeah, so a lot of stuff she considered funny food and because obviously i was having sort of like mackerel pate on the daily she thought everything i ate was funny food but um she loved potatoes in every form so often on a plate in her words she'd have like potato smileys your potato waffles you'd have your mash you'd have your you know the ones where they like scoop the inside? Oh, the skins. It's just like potato skins that you can buy

and they've like impregnated them with something. All in one meal? Oh, that was just the plate. It was just totally beige. And she smoked, I would say, between 100 and 150,000 cigarettes a day. Her room, honestly. Oh my God. It was like an experiment.

I'm so distracted by the notepad on james's fridge which says fuck off you stupid talking cat who's that too so when i first moved into this flat it would get to the kind of the middle of the night and i just hear this cat in the garden and i'm not joking it went hello lies i'm not i'm literally not joking used to come in every night and say hello come in no come into the garden all right and say hello and i told someone about it and they wrote on my fridge but i thought you'd written it in protest hoping that it would see when it came in the night i assume that's died now though because it stopped doing it i haven't heard it for a while i had a sadness because you didn't say hello back i didn't give him a wave do another one more hello hello did it say literally

pronounce the l's hello hello do you really think it was a cat no i saw him and then the other thing was like how do you know i'd lift up the blind to see him say hello and he just stopped talking and i'm like you crafty little bastard you know i could get a viral clip out of this it won't be filmed do you remember that time you slept in a bush james i do thank you james on a work night yeah on park lane if i remember yeah well james if you're gonna sleep in a bush sleep on park lane park lane i mean it doesn't get better it's a five-star bush did you sleep within the bush, sleep on Park Lane. On London's Park Lane. I mean, it doesn't get better. It's a five-star bush. Did you sleep within the bush?

Well, it was an out-of-season hindranger. There wasn't much foliage to be found. It's beautiful blooms had shed. One of my favourite days of the year is when it's Alice's birthday and she has her annual sherry. I get very excited about it. And the day after when I have my annual hangover. You are so ratty on that day. No one excited and the day after when i have my annual hangover you are so ratty on that day no one sees her the day after do you remember your 21st when you were literally bedridden because you were so drunk i think it was only about 10 as well it was

midway through the night it was really embarrassing and there was a fight breaking out at the end of your bed there was fisticuffs wasn't there jamie was at the bedside if i remember i think there's a photograph where i my eyes are rolling back in my head and Jamie's, I think it was maybe a damp flannel on my forehead. I was being a very good Florence Nightingale that night. It was good. And I think that's all the stories. So shall we get into the chapter?

No, come on. You show your drunkness straight away. Drunk eyes. I do get drunk eyes, yeah. Your eyes kind of, it's hard to explain. Well, they go in different directions. Different directions, yeah. But you also fall asleep. We were in San Francisco one time. Oh my God, it's hard to explain. Well, they go in different directions. Different directions, yeah. But you also fall asleep.

We were in San Francisco one time. Oh my God, I'm an archilector. And we were in this club and James literally fell asleep while he was dancing on the dance floor. So was he still dancing? It was a sight to see. He was still dancing, but he was asleep. And the ballad singer was like, he's got to get out. And I was like, no, it's fine.

He's just really into the music. As you pushed him over flat on his face. But we were kicked out, out James so thanks for that does that happen often can you sleep standing up I cannot count how many clubs I've bought when I'm sleeping

in my time it's your happy place I find it very therapeutic the dum dum dum obviously just sends me right off it is IT people who always get a bad rep

but there's a floor in my office which isn't IT, but it's just full of unusual circus types. Oh, God! Do you spot them as they get off the lift? What do you mean? Well, like, I call them the tours,

because they always get off at floor two. Are you really going to say what floor they're on? They've all got, like, one tooth, or they look like they've cut their own hair. What are you talking about? Where do you work? This isn't a thing. All of them on the same floor.

What's on floor two? They're so unusual. I don't know. I actually don't know what they've got going on down there. Investigates it immediately. What are they releasing onto floor two that means everyone's teeth fall out? And the funny thing is my pass doesn't work for floor two, so I can't investigate. Is that true?

Okay, that's suspicious. So wait, what sexy floor are you on? Seven. Oh, I've got rooftop views nearly. Oh. Nearly. Nearly. Rooftop views nearly.

There's actually another three floors above me. Okay. So what have you got? Just all the gubbins you can see, can you? All the pipes and stuff. I can see the British Museum. I'm really pinpointing my office here aren't I this is great I cannot wait for you

to go to work tomorrow shout out to the tours Jamie used to have a coat that we called the brown I don't know if it started brown but it was certainly brown by the end it was a brown coat

it was it was rags it was nice it was rags it was once nice you used to sleep in it like it was a brown coat. It was rags. It was nice. It was rags. It was once nice. You used to sleep in it like it was a sleeping bag. Fuck, what is this? Like, attack Jamie, were you?

You once slept in a bush in it, didn't you? Oh, yeah, you slept in that bush in it. I didn't sleep in a bush with it, because I actually lost my shirt on that night out. So I slept in the bush, topless. Don't you hate it when you lose your shirt on the night out? See, that was one of the worst nights of my life. it was this coat he'd had for a hundred years i can't remember been passed down through the generations it was an old coat it was an old coat there were holes

i was like get a new coat i've got a particularly good picture of you in it because it was was it in my mind it's made up of the pelt of different animals but was it not it's mainly like old horse there's a bit that's otter though because there's a bit that's longer head yeah a bit of otter a little bit of bear oh my okay fine i'm not known for my fashion i'll give you that if you've ever seen the um the bbc ad this is niche but the bbc adaptation don't you dare say of narnia it looked like jamie was one of the beavers now I'll just show you

James because this really will bring it to life for you so this is essentially what it was wasn't it oh my god it was

didn't have a hood but like in the body it was ever so warm guys whatever happened to it I binned it because you you literally gave me I got a real complex

about it actually good you made me feel awful so I didned it because you you literally gave me I got a real complex about it actually good you made me feel awful so I did bin it yeah that's the brown I feel a bit sore actually because I went to a

I went to a dance class last night oh excuse me what I'll tell you what it's called it's called

learn to twerk with the elderly learn to twerk. With the elderly. Learn to twerk. But you have no ass, famously. Okay, well, this is my issue. I mean, she has an ass. She just, you know.

I have an ass that won't quit. It's just been made redundant. You went to a learn to twerk class. I didn't know that's what it was called. My friend just said, do you want to go to a dance class so now that's false advertising well amen i arrived and everybody's wearing great outfits but pretty skimpy i'm dressed like i'm in bend it like beckham i had some football shorts on and a baggy t-shirt basically peak it the first alarm bell that rang was that the lady said all right everyone you're sexy bitches god i mean that really got

my heart going i was like oh no then they create a circle the circle of trust no i'm afraid so and in the circle of trust you have to freestyle the first thing yes yes the first thing what did you do the robot big fish little fish i essentially did the charleston and other people are putting their hands on the floor and like throwing their ass in the air oh my oh my god i wish i'd can we go with you next time okay wait it gets worse so then we do the warm-up great got it covered i didn't know it was the warm-up and then she's like right now we'll learn the routine. Jeez.

So I'm like, okay, that's fine. Like I like to dance just in the comfort of my own home. So I was like, I'll just shuffle to the back. I'll watch. Is that a dance move? Shuffle to the back. Shuffle to the back. I twerk to the back.

I got myself to the back and I was like, it's fine because this way I can watch what everybody else does and I don't need to remember it. So I got to the back and then she was like okay so the first move is a turn so basically the back was the front awful so now I'm in front of the mirror so then and you can see everyone behind you everything and they can all see me and then she said I want you to feel your ass cheek and then feel underneath it. And she's like, that's what's got a shake.

I cannot tell you how much of me shook. Everything but my arse shook. Because you know, there's nothing to move. Like what's going to shake? There's nothing underneath it because there's nothing on top. It's concave. That's amazing. I wish I'd been there.

Can you, I mean, I know it's audio, but could you maybe give us a little, give us a move? I can, but I'd like you to imagine what the song is that I'm doing it to as I do it. What is the song? My neck, my back, my pussy, and also my crack. That's so Belinda of you. She said, she was like, guys, it's a long count. Enjoy the pussy bit. Enjoy the pussy bit. Every time we record at my flat,

I've got this really buzzy fridge right behind you, Jamie. Yes. Buzzy like everyone's talking about it. Oh my God. Like it is the talk of the town. Coolest fridge on the street. It's the fridge of 2018. So I have to turn it off because it's loud.

So we recorded last week. Can I just say, we're that professional. We off oh my god we close doors we close windows we really think about this podcast we would shut your street if we could we close it down won't we um and i forgot to turn it back on didn't i so all my meat all my veg everything in the fridge went rotten and i've had to chuck it away so you've had a very very lean week i haven't eaten i've had to chuck it away. So you've had a very, very lean week? I haven't eaten. I've had to find scraps in the cupboard, eat some mixed herbs. James, two things. You never have any food in the fridge or freezer. What could possibly have gone on?

I know, but I did actually have meat in the freezer that I was keeping for rainy days. For when the Pope came, I don't know. Usually in your fridge, you've got an egg, a knob of cheese, if that's the right measure. Do you want to have a look now? See what's in there. Have a rummage, Alice.

Okay, can you hear me from here? Hang on. I'm going to bring a mic to you. Because again, we're that technical. Okay, there's a small packet of barbecue sauce. The kind that you'd get from a drive-in. There's three sprouting bulbs of garlic that look like they've been here since the turn of the century.

Why have I done this? Why have I let it go in my fridge? And some milk that has now become cheese. Oh, lovely. What could you make out of that? It does seem like a cooking show challenge, doesn't it? I didn't mention the lager, which would make a lovely reduction

on top of all of that. Do you not remember the time we came round and I made some food of my own? I brought all the ingredients and I said to James, oh, do you have any salt? And he said, no, I haven't been shopping this week. Like you buy salt every week.

He also made you eat it off the floor, if I remember correctly. Yeah, on a plate, but off the floor. Yeah, interesting. There's Pringles in that cupboard. James, Barocca, the vitamin C supplement, is not food. I've got flaxseed. I don't really know what it is, but I've got it. That's such a sad cupboard.

Close it. If a cupboard has ever screamed spinster more honestly it's it brings tears to my eyes i'm never here i'm always out enjoying life this is using the opportunity god all the dames if you want to just live your life copying dames you go right ahead he has spent his life just copying dames. What's Joan Plowright done recently? She's been mourning. Despicable. Do you think when he was a child,

that's who he had on his wall? Yeah. Maggie Smith, Judy Dinn. Maggie Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand. Maggie Smith was quite hot back in the day, actually. No, I'm sure, but she's not really known as a pin-up in that sense. No but Helen Mirren still is.

Dame Helen Mirren. Dame exactly. Dame Helen Mirren. You had a calendar of dames didn't you? No. You know like when you see in garages

in the 90s those kind of very raunchy calendars where oiled up girls and you know not very much. You had the equivalent didn't you but it was

in sort of Edwardian garb. Lots of dames in period dramas. Net ruffles. Edith Evans. Maggie Smith in The Little Princess. I'm trying to think who else is a dame you might like. Arlene Phillips is about to become a dame. You'll be pleased about that.

Dame Kelly Holmes. Is she a dame? Oh, so really broadening it out. It's not just actors now. No, yeah. Are there any more like of those like old thespy dames? Oh, really broadening it out it's not just actors now No yeah are there any more like of those like old thespy dames? Oh yeah like dame

Chris and Scott Thomas Chris and Scott Thomas Oh fit Yeah Dame I mean he can name them all he's pretending he can't think of them I know

Who's July? Basically Any like older actress is probably a dame if they're British right? Emma Thompson obviously Oh Dame Em's a

yeah exactly Dame Em December Jamie I've googled some dames here let's see how he responds is probably a dame if they're British, right? Emma Thompson, obviously. Oh, Dame Anne's a... Yeah, exactly, Dame Anne. December. Jamie, I've googled some dames here. Let's see how he responds. Fit or not? What, you tell me. Dame Diana Rigg.

Dad. That's not the game. That's not the game. Well, yeah. No, these are people I think Jamie had posters of on his... Okay, can I just say

I didn't have posters of dames of the realm. Calendar them, sorry. No, but Dame Diana Rigg was hot back in the day. Dame Diana Rigg, Dameame judy dench dame maggie smith dame helen mirren dame barbara windsor there you go she was a saucy wasn't she back in the day elizabeth taylor oh wonderful no doubt angela lansbury i bet you loved a bit of lansbow i bet a 10 year old jamie lying on his bed looking up probably on his ceiling a poster of lansbow. I bet a 10 year old Jamie lying on his bed

looking up probably on his ceiling a poster of Lansbow. Joan Collins obviously. Is she a dame? God they're just giving them out.

That's so rude. Dame Olivia de Havilland. Don't know who that is. I guess she owned the planes. She was very very she was in like Gone With The Wind

and stuff. She was 104 when she died bloody hell. 104 a bit of Jamie. Penelope Keith. Penelope Keith. Right we need to stop this list. Olivia Newton-John.

I could go on. June Winfield. This list. Patricia Rootledge, who was in Keeping Up Appearances, which I love. Well, guys, this has been fun, but we all know that I had that Britney Spears poster on my wall, so. Dame Britney. Dame Britney Spears. Any day now.

You two would totally lobby for that. What are you talking about? To jump from those women to Britney. To Britney. It's a a gear change isn't it life size it was as well did you press yourself up against the door because she was

like it was sort of the right height it was quite life size it was okay anyway so they continued where they left off there's no shame in a dame

just like we are going to continue where we left off there's no shame in a dame that's his motto the thing is this is the least joke of a joke we've ever done I only sleep with women

with titles is that what you're saying a bit like Belinda have you been barred from pubs James I have been barred from well it, James? I have been barred from... Well... It's easier to list what he's allowed.

I have been barred from one pub. And this was about 10 years ago. It actually made national news. I knew it was going to be something else that we haven't mentioned before. Why have we never talked about this i was in the pub it was a pub in soho in london and next to our table there was a gay couple on a date not me for once i didn't know them um and they started making out because it wasn't even like

a makeout really they just they just kissed each other and they got thrown out of the pub and then i i remember this yes i remember this it was like thrown out of the pub. And then I... I remember this. Yes. I remember this. It was like front page of the Guardian. It was the... Yes, exactly. And I've never...

Well, I was barred famously, but I would never go back anyway. I wouldn't know that because I saw it in the news. Yeah. So I then started protesting in the pub to be like, you can't throw someone out for that. He's an ally. I am. Who knew? And then...

I don't know if you would have known um and then me and my friend lucy we got barred as well we got thrown out and then barred without you can never come back and then yeah it was in the press and all sorts oh my god of course his barring has to make the national media fucking front page ridiculous was there a picture of you as well or like a quote from you i think there was was a quote from me somewhere and Lucy as well. But I always wonder what happened to that couple because they were really nice. But I mean, it was a first date. They're probably not still together.

Jamie, on behalf of the gay community, thank you for your tireless efforts to make safer spaces in London. Look, it was outrageous and justice had to be served. And I think it was actually. I think there was a change of management at that pub. So can we go back yet? I think you can. I still can't, but go nuts. Do you think your face is behind the bar?

How do they ever remember? This is what I don't understand about barring people. Because he was on the cover of The Guardian. He made sure his face was on there. I wasn't on the cover of The Guardian. But the couple had a photo shoot on the homepage, yeah. Jamie provided headshots, but they never made the spread. I went to Brazil for New Year once.

She's going to have a great time. You just watched loads of DVDs. Yeah, didn't it rain non-stop? It did. We were flooded on an island for eight days and the power went off. And didn't you get diarrhoea? Yes, thank you. Oh, God.

It was really romantic. It sounds like the worst holiday ever, actually. Now I remember you retelling it. No, but on New Year's Eve, Copacabana Beach, fireworks in the sea. Oh, wow, that's cool. It was fabulous. Two million people.

I actually found a used needle on Ipanema Beach. That's part of my... That was the drug section. Yeah. What a dark turn yeah it was weird didn't you get chased by a dog in the sea in Brazil I did yeah sounds awful a demon dog it honestly had it in for me I had to be saved by a by a local school boy who jumped in the sea and wrestled the dog to the bottom. It was honestly horrible. Of the seabed? Yeah.

Honestly, apparently the dog was just playing and wanted to like have fun with me, but I was like, no, no, no, no. And I was like trying to... There's a great picture of him like trying to kick it away. Like it followed me in the sea and it was like swimming towards me and I was like, oh, and it was huge, this dog.

And I was like really scared. And so I was like swimming backwards and like splashing it. I could like feel it's like it's claws like starting to scratch my body probably just being nice and i was like screaming and like trying to go back it was horrible then this little local boy ran in the sea and like grabbed it and like kind of wrestled it under the water and i was out of there i went straight to like i've never heard about this? So this is a near-death experience?

Yeah. Wait, were you in the dog section? Because as James said, if you will stray out of your zone. I'm clearly, I didn't know about the rules. Sorry. And for those who've listened to the show endlessly on a loop,

here's a little bit that you will have never heard before because it was never in the show this is an unheard bit i actually ran my university my first year university flat as a video shop so my my dream kind of came true because um people would come and borrow my i actually lost a lot of dvds i became the person that everyone borrowed dvds from you borrowed dvds from me alice i became known on the campus as the dvd guy let's just say i knew you and i didn't know that so you weren't known as yeah but you weren't okay you weren't on our campus our like accommodation oh so you were in the same halls yes

and i was in different halls yeah right fine so yeah like people would come around they'd browse the shelves how many did you have hundreds i mean literally hundreds hundreds yeah you brought hundreds of dvds to university we're not planning on having sex no there's a film for every night i'll be studying here i can tell you even without hundreds of dvds doesn't mean you're having sex yeah exactly probably because of the hundreds of dvds i wasn't having sex is that ali mcmBeal? Goodbye. Because he got so burnt at uni, even though I would argue that he was buying people's affection by giving them DVDs.

After that, you became very protective of your DVD collection and would not actually loan them out. Well, they'd start going missing, wouldn't they? You know, it was a crime spree. Did you, like, sign them out? No, that was my mistake. Did you charge or...? No, no, no. It was my way of making friends to start

with or girlfriends in alice's case well hang on what you lent people dvds to watch without you yeah yes and that was the way to make friends i hadn't actually thought of that yeah they would take them to go and watch elsewhere with their friends and i had a lovely big television in my room that they could have stayed and yeah but you don't it's not like i didn't think of that it's like buying a tv from dixon's you don't stay in Dixon's to watch a massive TV, do you? Yeah, you don't sit in HMV and watch. But then you got an interaction with them when the transaction occurred.

And then they left. But then if they returned it... And never came back. And like, none of them are friends now. James, they weren't friends then. I was used. You were. God, this has turned into a really tragic tale, actually.

I was used. Oh my God. But your dream came true, which was turned into a really tragic tale, actually. I was used. Oh my God. But your dream came true, which was to run a video shop. Lucky me. James, it's called show business, not show friends. You know, you've got to prioritise your enterprise. Did you drive the night bus to get friends as well? How many of your things...

I didn't drive the night bus to get friends. I drove the night bus to save women. Well, this is the thing. How many of your things did you do? I didn't drive the night bus to get friends. I drove the night bus to save women. Well, this is the thing. Altruism is one thing, but I feel like it's maybe a slightly ulterior motive

as well as being a good person. To clarify for those that don't remember, because we may have talked about it before, James drove a minibus at night. Yes. Hence the name minibus. On the hour, every hour. On the hour, every hour.

He was like clockwork. And it was exclusively for vulnerable women. Alice, I've made a fucking fortune. I remember at at the time thinking it was like 14 pounds an hour bloody hell and this was in every hour on the hour so how many hours did you work a day it'd be like 6 p.m till 6 a.m and i do it at least i do like three times a week i can't get over what a moneybags james was and this was the era when we most often accused him of being tight. Well, he was tight. I wasn't tight.

But that's how we knew he was tight. You were then. Because we knew how much you were earning. You're not now, but you were then. Did you two have jobs when you were at uni? No, but I cleaned the local nursery school all the way through school. Wait, you cleaned the nursery school through school? While I was at school.

And that's how I funded university. Did you have a tabard? I guess. Yeah, maybe. Did you have a tabard? I guess. Yeah, maybe. Did you wear a hairnet? I didn't wear a hairnet. You had a tabard. It was an honest day's work.

What I don't understand, right, is because you're absolutely right, it's an honest day's work, but Jamie doing that. Little Lord Fauntleroy cleaning a school. It's the tabard I can't get over. Can we... Alice, Jamie in a tabard.

With Velcro size? Yeah. Did you have a job at university? I did, but only in the holes because I was honestly so so dedicated to the work oh shut up

what was it I was a waitress oh okay oh my god could you imagine what a passag waitress I'll just say imagine the sass

how could it get a menu in a minute or they're over there yeah totally oh my god yeah I don't remember

doing great with tips actually oh my god was this in Leeds or in Nottingham this was in Nottingham back home oh right

can you imagine being able to say you were once served by Alice Levine and James you'd never forget it you'd never forget it it would be seared on your memory.

I had an absolute dragon of a boss. Oh. And I once burnt my hands on... Her breath. On a plate. And I was taking it from the hatch, you know, to the table. Yeah. And it was red hot.

And they weren't usually red hot and it really hurt my hand and she said, you stupid girl and she sat me on a stool in the kitchen, rubbed oil on it and wrapped it in a tea towel.

Oil? Yeah, she said, even more. She said that'll cool it down. This'll make it sizzle. Yeah, I was going to say, we'll serve these. So now I think,

was she trying to scar my beautiful hands? Why'd she do that? Oh yeah, that is horrible. Did it hurt when she... Well, it just never cooled down, because famously, oil ain't going to do that. It was literally cooking your hand. I don't know if she was trying to...

It's so weird. It's really weird. Was it extra virgin olive oil? Yeah, I think it was the good stuff. Oh, lovely. Okay. What was the worst thing that happened, apart from getting burnt, which is how every customer felt with you?

Actually, can we right Jamie and I are the diners okay oh god we're just seated and you approach the table okay I'm gonna watch it

some water for you hello how are you doing yeah some sparkling would be great thanks she's already giving you a look hang on

so you just come to the table and slam down some water yeah hello welcome to wherever we are Hang on So you just come to the table And slam down some water Yeah A hello Welcome to Wherever we are To be fair She was actually

Being quite polite though And I I kind of spoke over her Jimmy she went like this Water for you Okay I'm bringing you water Without you even asking

Which I think is a great Way to greet somebody I actually want a sparkling Well then you can order that Sir I feel like this is the interaction well then you can order that sir right let's start again let's start again you know so you don't even say hello you just slam the water i did say hello i said hi how are you i didn't hear that i was talking over it oh okay let's start again sorry

okay afternoon hello how are you doing yeah good, hello, how are you doing? Yeah, good thank you Yeah, good thanks, how are you? Yeah, good thanks, can I get you anything to start? I already feel like she's being sassy Oh my god She like scratched her eyebrows, she's like, yeah, good thanks, you give a shit, anyway I'll get you some menus, any drinks to start? Yeah, what's the house wine, red? We have a Montepulciano

Where did she pull that from i'll have a multiple and just some sparkling water for the table thank you absolutely no problem i think that's very very nice yeah okay i stand by alice i really can't see you in hospitality I'm just gonna say Okay fine I think I could step back into that job tomorrow I think you've made the right choice in your career Although lovely spread you've put on for us today

So that's nice You just told me the coffee was undrinkable But yeah okay fine I appreciate the sentiment Again what a great look back at some of our favourite bits Yeah you know as I get older. By the second. And time takes its toll.

It'll be nice to use this as a kind of time capsule. Doing this as much for me as for anyone else. It's so he remembers. Yeah, exactly. That's why I take pictures every day now. So I can literally, because I literally can't remember what I was doing yesterday. You take pictures every day?

Well, like, yeah. So I can look in my camera and be like, oh, I did that yesterday. Okay. Right. Okay. So anyway, we've got to go. But thanks so much for listening again.

Come back next month. Also, he's never taken a photograph of us doing this. So this is obviously not the event of his day. He doesn't want to remember it. This is being recorded, darling. I'm so confused about how you live your life, but sure. There isn't time. Yes. In the meantime, do get in touch if you have any

best bits that you want to hear you can get us on Instagram at my dad wrote her Twitter I'm not even going to use the other word Twitter at dad wrote a porno and email us mydadwroteporno at gmail.com

and people are sharing it it's like the good old days nice thing on people's feeds isn't it yeah and like people are leaving nice little reviews and things like that. Oh, stop being so cute. Liking and subscribing. Oh, is that still on?

Yeah, people still do that. Oh, for God's sake. So you can do all that. We'd love to hear from you. Sort of feels like saying set the VCR, doesn't it? It feels like such a retro thing to say, like and subscribe. Yeah, it does. Did we invent that?

People do say like, give us a review on Apple Podcasts. It really helps our visibility. I'm not sure if it's true, but people say that. So do that as well. Thanks. I mean, it's a bit late for that, isn't it? It is. It's a bit late for all of this, to be honest.

Okay, we're going to go. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next month. Bye.