My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Finale - Part 1

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

It's the beginning of the end. After six books and over 430 million downloads, Jamie, Alice and James gather round the kitchen table once more to read the first part of the 'My Dad Wrote A Porno' finale. Belinda gathers her friends, colleagues and lovers as she bids a fond farewell to Steele's Pots and Pans... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Six books. Eight years. 122 episodes. 430 million downloads. But only one, Belinda. This podcast has been an incredible ride, but all bad porn must come to an end.

It's not without a heavy heart that we say this, but my dad wrote a porno. It's coming to an end. I can't believe it. What? I know. You said you were going to email James. Shit. Surely this should be a three decision.

No, I'm joking, obviously. But we knew you would do it till our dying day and we couldn't have that. Have we told dad? We have told dad. I mean, in a way we could have that. Like we could have been wheeled to our sort of communal pile of books

and microphones in the old people's home when we were, I mean, Jamie, you and I, 75, 80. Still quite live. Yeah, and James 105, 107. Shut up, shut up. It was a possibility, wasn't it? Well, certainly with the amount that Rocky's written

we could have kept going forever the books will never end never but we have decided we must

it's time guys it's time there are major TV series that don't make it this far name one that has well quite

honestly it feels as though there are lots of reasons why we would keep doing it but we have to draw a line somewhere this feels like the right time guys we want to be like cool and end you know like fleabag and the office hang on they had two we've had six uh do you remember when we said that we were like oh yeah faulty towers 12 episodes. Which is my guiding light for all creative projects. Jamie's right.

Like all of the cool kids, they only had like half an episode. We've had a lot. But it's sad. It's really sad. It's like, I don't think we could have ever ended it and thought, yay.

Like it's always going to be like a bit of motion. Which is why at the end of every book, I mean, you particularly Jamie, we don't say it until you said you'll do it. And a bit of motion. Which is why at the end of every book, I mean, you particularly, Jamie, we don't say it until you said you'll do it. Yeah. And a lot of people have been saying, guys, you haven't said.

You haven't said book seven. Book seven, right? Oh, I know. I check the tweets. I check the emails. So I know this will be unwelcome news to a lot of people. Yeah. But, you know, they're back catalogues, Dan. Just listen from the start again.

You know. Honestly, I wonder how if you listen back to back to every episode yeah how long it would take you i haven't actually done that maths it would certainly expose us i think repeating stories and not knowing how we're doing no hey come on now um yeah i wonder how long that would take i haven't done the maths leave it with me and i'll figure it out. I know you will. Must be a couple of days at least. Can you imagine? That's like torture. Yeah. That's like full on.

Hearing your squawk for that long. I can't, I can't. Hearing your squawk? Hearing your squawk. Hearing your squawk. This is why it's ending. So yeah, so we aren't going to be reading any more books, but we're ending on a high

because we've got two special episodes that we'll be reading this week and next week. And, guys, and this is really exciting. Oh, this is the bonus. Unprecedented, yes. We will be recording a very special Footnotes with the main man himself. Mr. Rocky Flintstone will be on mic. O-M-G. I know.

The voice of the author himself. Yeah. The man of mystery. He finally gets a right to reply. What are we doing? Why have we allowed this? The voice that crashed a thousand cars. Yes, so it is sad, but it's,'s you know it's a happy sadness

if that makes any sort of sense you know we're so proud of this show but very rocky it's a happy kind of sad but yeah we just think it's time to hang up the mics

but not before we read a little bit more Belinda do we hang them up I was going to say we don't hang them up but by the wire that'll break them. I think that's actually really not good because these are quite expensive.

Well, they're not. They're actually cheap. They are the cheapest microphone. But I wouldn't hang them by that. I actually unplug the wire, otherwise it'll break the wire. Are you hanging them? So I certainly wouldn't hang them. I hang them.

Okay, we need to have a word about that. It's a little too late. Does anyone feel like it's been, what, eight years we've been doing this? Yeah. Do you feel like your life has changed in any way? I feel like I'm the same person i mean yeah honestly when i started we're still around the kitchen table we're still just wanging on about porn yeah the consistency is admirable shocking really why haven't we like got married had children everybody else has had a

life in these eight years we've always been available to record there's never been an episode where it's like, sorry, I can't, I've got other things to do. And all the emails we get that are like, you've soundtracked my life. You've been there on the day that my boyfriend proposed. You've been there when I moved cities. You've been there when I got the job promotion.

Where are our big life moments? Oh no, come on. James got locked out that time. Yeah, that's true. I got dumped a few times. Yeah, you did. No, we've had an amazing, amazing run with this show. out that time. Yeah, that's true. I got dumped a few times. Yeah, you did. No, we've had an amazing, amazing run with this show. You know, we've toured the world.

We did an HBO show. We've done some good things. But we're still here. I thought that was going to change my life. But obviously, you know, we're laughing through it, guys. You know, you do have to laugh through trauma. But there are two specials. And I think that the next one might be the emotional one guys i think let's you know read some porn yeah try and

enjoy it if you don't laugh you'll cry as they say i am so gonna cry next episode well for us this felt like a good time to kind of for us to stop reading right because belinda's obviously now about to take over bish herstellung yeah so it's like she's going into a new chapter and so are we oh man very nice like that it does feel really real yeah i know and also you know we can't kind of talk about it with much detail but we aren't going away forever oh really what's he got planned that we don't know there are things are cooking guys come on yeah no you're right there are plans afoot but we can't talk about things like that

It's not the end of My Dad Wrote a Porno it's just the end of doing the podcast Yes Also you know we do this what once a year

Yeah honestly I mean it's not going to change your lives that much guys come on Who do we think we are Adele? I had to get an Adele

reference in the finale sorry Oh my god There will be people who are like really? I have to listen again to one through six

There are also so many people who go again to one through six there are also so many people who come up to me and say oh is that still on so you know some people will be crying

some people will be like oh god it's finally ending I thought that ended years ago it's actually cooler not to have a podcast

these days so that's why we're stopping so are we ready to dive into Belinda Blinked for the penultimate time

oh my god are we I can't believe it yeah this is weird but next week next week next week isn't the end okay Belinda Blinked

no I can't the official steals pots and pans Belinda Blubenthor leaving party okay the brevity of title we've come to love i didn't take in enough air to do that what was it the official steals pots and pans belinda bloom and thor leaving party okay yeah it would have been remiss wouldn't it to not give her a send-off oh yeah yeah and also if that's the title of the party the banner is going to be huge oh they're going to run out of you know the big pen like it's going to kind of have to go around the corner i mean this is an absolute testament to rocky's writing that we've probably spent eight years discussing five months of a woman's life

wow how can it be so in depth And so specific Yet completely vague And vacuous It's amazing isn't it It's actually a talent It's quite a skill A cool winter breeze Ruffled the follicles Of Belinda's fake mane

Oh What She wears a wig Is she a furry You know there's people That dress up as furry animals Like Mr Hushp in the background Oh yeah he was a. So either she's wearing

a full-on wig or she's got extensions. Do people still wear clip-on extensions and things? I'm sure they do. Do they? Oh, James. She had long been a fan of extensions. So she's got clip-ons in. Be it hair or cocks. You can't clip on extra cock though, can you?

I think an extension being an erection. Oh, okay. Fine. Maybe we shouldn't stop. We're still not getting the really low-hanging fruit, guys. As there's only two to go, I'll let it pass. I won't miss that dead-eye seriousness that sometimes addresses you with, like an erection.

Well, I just thought that was the obvious way to go, but you two were talking about clip on cocks. But okay, fine. Her large eyes looked out over the ocean oh which ocean she's got massive eyes and clip-ons lovely a pensive wandering trampling over her beautiful face pardon twamping a pensive twamping did i say twampily there was there was some sort of wobble that i wasn't happy with So it's quite an unusual sentence

Okay Her large eyes looked out over the ocean A pensive wondering trampling over her beautiful face Yeah, that's word soup, isn't it? It was a big day Next paragraph Of course I don't need to know anymore

After being appointed PCOEO PCcoeo what will it be something to do with ceo it's like it is over complicated ceo i think and does this mean at bish yes okay so yeah after being appointed pcoeo president and chief operating executive officer President and Chief Operating Executive Officer Of Bish Hairstelling That's about as high as it gets surely MDPCOEO Belinda had summoned her nearest and dearest colleagues For one last hip hop hooray Hip hop hooray

Hip hop hooray It's a hip hop themed leaving party I really hope it is Looking forward to Rocky negotiating this His area of expertise hooray hip-hop hooray it's a hip-hop themed leaving party i really hope it is looking forward to rocky negotiating this his area of expertise the invite has been vague tense change okay essential passport oh non-essential bad breath small talk and clothing so she so she doesn't mean non-essential she means don't not desirable yeah desirable yeah is that all the invite says when you say vague it doesn't say date location time

just says bring your passport to where with you at all times also like that is beyond not it's like when people have like stag do's abroad and things like that well as we've discussed before about like abroad weddings and things yeah you have to i'm so glad that's still catching on i mean destination wedding no abroads better i get messages all the time about abroad when it's people telling me that they're on abroad weddings i'm like please i don't need to know because i have got in your head i've never approved that terminology do you know what i always get message about fucking talking cats i once referenced a cat that said hello in my garden. Did you? People just send me videos all the time of cats saying hello. I don't think I remember.

It was funny the first time. But please give us one blast of that cat because I do love that cat voice. Howl. Oh, I do. Do you remember? Yes, yes, yes. In your old flat. Old, old flat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally all I get. What do you get, Jamie? A lot of bottom flannels. What did you get, Jamie? A lot of bottom flannels. Mainly bottom flannels for me. What do you mean a lot of pictures of bottom flannels?

No, just, oh my God, I was around someone's house and they had a bottom flannel. I'm like, yes, they do exist. Oh, God. And obviously a lot of stuff about the club theatre in Val Harris. Oh, God. Well, good for you repping the bottom flannel community. So good. Someone asked me on a date once

and said, we can play paints. Oh, but I hope you said yes. I did, yeah. That's good. Well, he knows all the rules. Famously. As she tanned her brown skin

in the inclement sunshine, her mind reminded her of all the adventures she'd creamed over. Oh my God. From Mistress Sweet Juice's acrobatics to RSM fuckfests, she'd done it all. God, he's doing a greatest hit. He's doing his own greatest hit.

It's a montage. And had zero regrets. Just to jump back a bit, what did you say? Inclement Sunshine? The Inclement Sunshine, yeah. Isn't inclement bad? I think it's damp. It's like cold.

Wet. And wet. You can still have sunshine in the cold and wet, guys. Does he mean like, I don't know, temperate? Does he mean like... Temperate. He means temperate. Temperate.

He means temperate. So she'd done it all and had zero regrets. That's hard to believe. It was time to leave Steeles behind, the wind told her. Oh, it's sort of like, you know,

the trees are rustling and whispering the wind. Like that bit in Pocahontas and all the leaves fly around her. Exactly, exactly. New character alert, the wind.

God, yeah, the wind's talking to her now. It's time to end it, guys. For the invitees, the flight had been quite a challenge in blindfold use. So they had blindfolded on the plane the whole time?

Oh, so maybe that's why it was so vague an invite. They actually don't know where they're going. But they didn't even know what airport to go to, so God knows how they got on the plane. Well, they are very close to Heathrow.

Oh, yeah, probably is Heathrow, to be fair. But on the plane, when the pilot's like, thank you for boarding the 2404 to Tenerife. What are they like? Also, fucking terrifying. Like, I need to look out of the window on a plane

so I can see what it's doing. If I'm blindfolded on a plane. You can see what it's doing. Why? Well, you know, when it gets bumpy and turbulence and things like that, I need to check the wing's not fallen off. See, I'm opposite.

I think you can't change it. Just get that on oh my god i'm asleep so i don't yeah that's true i'm asleep on the tarmac you've used the human blindfold which are your eyelids um so it'd be quite a challenge in blindfold use but thanks to the norse gods the majority of the guests had survived okay Majority? Who's dead? Belinda knew from life that if you know where you're heading, you won't have as much fun when you land. I think that's definitely not true. Yeah, I think you need a goal.

You need somewhere to be going. If you know where you're heading, you don't have as much fun. That's just ridiculous. Get that on a t-shirt. Belinda knew from life that if you know where you're heading, you won't have as much fun when you land. So that was that. And I won't be questioning.

That was that. It's very like, and please shut up. It's almost like he's anticipating now that we would tear that down. Everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up. And after the full body customs check and without much ado, we're ready for the festivities. Bang on the allotted spreadsheet time. Whoa.

Has Rocky ever been on a plane? Sorry. Where's the 23 minutes happening? So everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up. Where? It doesn't specify. But this is still on the plane or in the airport? I think maybe we've landed. So everyone had 23 minutes.

So in the plane toilets? I don't want 23 minutes in the plane toilets. Before they go through customs, they wet wipe and change. In that loo that's always got a massive queue because everyone's got off the plane. Also, they were advised not to bring clothes. So what were they changing into? How were they freshening up? Just in the sink like a birdbath?

I guess, yeah. Horse bathe. That's what they say, isn't it? Bottom flannels unite. So everyone had 23 minutes to freshen up. After the full body customs check no why what why are they getting a cavity search everyone got that the survivors also just look they're naked just look at no they're not naked are they naked they were told not to bring clothes they weren't

essential oh it was non-essential okay so they've just got blindfolds on completely naked on this flight cool it's right there for you probably charge you to wear clothes yeah um so they've all had 23 minutes in what are frankly rancid bathrooms i don't know where they are but probs and then they go through customs have an anal pro exam yeah and without much ado we're ready for the festivities. Bang on the allotted spreadsheet time of 21.37pm. That's very specific. Mental. Absolute mental.

So they've had an invite and they've been sent a separate spreadsheet. With detail. With very, very specific detail. Also, 21.37pm doesn't exist. Oh, because 21 is... All right, smart arse. Wow, you know p.m. and a.m. Cool.

With a 24-'clock, Alice. I honestly don't. It's why I say noon and midnight, because I never know. Yeah. Belinda had had dear bosom buddy Chiara Montague design her knockout frock. Oh, lovely. Honouring her past employment. As such, Belinda was dressed as a sexy version of the Colander 360.

One of Steele's biggest sellers and Belinda's third favourite thing to flog. Right, so I already have in mind what that might look like. You know, like a poofy, like turn the colander upside down. Yeah. With holes in it? As a skirt, with holes in it, but like a poofy kind of i actually think 360 is a range at ikea so that that feels like dangerous territory well ikea has stolen belinda blinked so i mean so many things there called belinda oh yeah there was a bowl called blunderblanked or something and we're like hmm see in court ikea see what you did there um so yes she was dressed as a sexy version of the Colander 360 One of Steele's biggest sellers

And Belinda's third favourite thing to flog After the non-stick tin wok And her resident sex slave Very good, flog The silver material of her dress Sparkled as fractions of light hit it Fractions Oh, I haven't got time

Shame's eight years Give yourself a break Sooner we get it done, sooner we can leave Oh, I haven't got time. Shame's eight years. Give yourself a break. Sooner we get it done, sooner we can leave. The silver material of her dress sparkled as fractions... Like quarters and eighths and stuff. As fractions of light hit it, and it was covered in strategic holes exposing forbidden flesh. So like she'll have a boob through one, maybe.

The setting for dinner was extravagant and elaborate. Where are we? Still haven't told us. I don't know. That's not on the schedule. No, yeah. We know it's coastal because she was on the beach at the beginning. So the setting for dinner was extravagant and elaborate. Befitting of a sales director who had given everything

from bodily juices to her life to the company. I mean, technically not. Yeah, I know. There were velvet strips dribbling from the ceiling. Velvet strips? Of what? Fabric?

Ribbon, does he mean? I guess. Ribbon. Yeah, I just imagine it's like bits of velvet cut into strips and stuck on the ceiling with sellotape or like... How elaborate.

So there were velvet strips dribbling from the ceiling. Dribbling. And lovingly well-used chairs. Decorously thrown along the long MDF top to make it even longer. Carved table. Sorry, it's a beautiful carved table and they've put a piece of MDF over the top. To be fair, if you've ever had a big Christmas dinner, people will be doing it around this time of year

where you have to extend, don't you? You have to, like, balance another table at the end of your other table and then put a tablecloth over it to make it look like it's a big table. Yeah, Dad has a huge bit of plywood that is just the Christmas table. Yeah, but they've paid for a venue,

like, an extravagant venue, and they put MDF on the table and stuck bits of velvet to the ceiling. And thrown chairs everywhere. He bloody loves a chair, doesn't he? He bloody loves a chair. But why are they scattered and on their side and, like, upturned? Decorously thrown along.

Thrown? If you throw a chair, it doesn't land on its feet, does it? So they've thrown them down the hallway, do you say? Down the table. Down the table! Oh my God, it's going to look like it's been ransacked. It's just a pile of chairs at the end of the table. And everything's going to be smashed.

Like, you throw a chair at a table, like, all that glassware's going to be all over the floor, cutlery everywhere. Cool. Oh my God, it's what she would have wanted. And has she done this? Because, obviously, they've just arrived, so who's... No, I imagine it's like an event planner who's like,

so obviously we will be throwing the chairs down the table before you arrive is it like smashing plates you know like maybe it's cultural maybe it's cultural we don't know where we are what do you think they set the table and then throw the chairs or do they throw the chairs and set the table james it's not for me to comment but if that is what happens in your culture i completely endorse it. As Belinda entered, the bottoms occupying the chairs On the table. rose to their sequined hoofs and clapped. It's toffee apple chew.

On the table. They cheered and cried and generally were nice. The huge aha. Don't say aha. The huge... We'll judge if it's an aha. Don't say aha. The huge... I hope we'll judge if it's an aha. We'll do the reactions here, all right?

You just read the book. He still doesn't know, does he? Just say the words. Damn, what's the format again? The huge dining hall on the banks of Brazil's majestic capital, Rio de Janeiro. Aha! Aha! Am I allowed to point out that Rio de Janeiro isn't the capital of Brazil?

Am I allowed to say that? Brazil is but an administrative capital, isn't it? It is, it is. It hasn't got the majesty of... Rio is maybe the... Would you say the cultural capital? I'd say the hub. So it's on the banks of...

What was it? The banks of Rio de Janeiro. Yeah, the majestic capital. The banks. What do you mean, the banks? The huge dining hall on the banks of Brazil's majestic capital, Rio de Janeiro. What do you mean, the banks? It's not the banks of Rio.

What are you talking about? I was not saying the banks. The banks. Like, the banks. The CBD. Yeah. The banks. Like the banks. The CBD. Yeah. The financial hub. It seemed like a branch of Halifax or something.

The huge dining hall on the banks of Brazil's majestic capital. Please, what do you mean? Rio de Janeiro looked the money tits. The banks is generally of a river, right? Yes. Like you would be on the banks of a river. Yeah. It's the ocean, isn't it? Because there's a beach. Right. Ipanema Beach, Copacabana

Beach. So it's on the beach. It's on the coast. It's the banks of the beach. But it looked the money tits. Glittering with candles and solid gold crockery. Wow! This makes steels look like scrap heap chic, mused Belinda,

toes vibrating with excitement and sorrow. What a combo. We all express our emotions in different ways, don't we? Excitement because there was ice-cold chardonnay. Oh, lovely. And colleagues. Sorrow because this was the last time she'd enjoy either. Yes, from this day, it was German co-workers with their abrupt and direct communication style.

Oh my God, sorry, Germany. All washed down with Bavarian beer and Himbergeist. She can still drink Chardonnay. They have Chardonnay in Germany. What's a Himblischblosch? Himbergicht? Himbergicht. Oh God, here we go. James, come on.

You're the German expert. I wouldn't even know where to start. Himbergicht. So him, then beer, then G-E-I-S-T. It's an alcoholic drink, isn't it? I'd imagine so. It's a raspberry spirit. Obviously. God, every time I've been to Germany,

they're all just swigging that raspberry liqueur. Literally never heard of it. So, yes. Never mind the language barrier. Belinda was most worried about how her new colleagues would prefer to keep their private lives separate. That is true, actually. I work with somebody who's German

and there are very strict kind of cultural boundaries between work and social, which I think is actually quite good. Oh, I would argue that Belinda's falling foul of many people's idea of what is a good work life. It's not just Germany that has an issue with the way that you conduct yourself, dear. Like what on earth?

Like we've got no book if they keep their personal and work life separate. Like, there's no story. Oh, we would have had to end anyway. Yeah. Productivity is sexy, yes. But with no vag drilling on company time, was life worth living? Well, that's my sentiment exactly. Belinda looked at the plates of asparagus stalks with fish foam jus.

Oh, God. I think he means jew. Has he put jew? D-E-W or J-E-W? Jew. Fish foam dew. D. Dew. Dew.

Fish foam dew. The wind's just going to blow that away. That's not structurally sound. Has the wind blown it in off the sea? Yeah. That's called structurally sound. Has the wind blown it in off the sea? Yeah. That's called sea mist. I think that might just be pollution. You know, that's scum.

Yeah, it's scum foam. Belinda had requested this dish especially because asparagus is nature's Viagra. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it is. It's an aphrodisiac. No. Asparagus? Yeah. No, does it just turn your pee no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it is. It's an aphrodisiac. No.

Asparagus? Yeah. Well, it makes it stink. No, does it just turn your pee? Does it make your pee stink? Does it make your pee smell? Yeah. Guys, we should really go back in the vault and get up that aphrodisiac episode because I think you'll find that it's...

That's being deleted. Asparagus is a turn on. Oh, I do beg your pardon. I always... Isn't it? I think it is. You may be right. You may be right.

I don't know. Made it reek. I don't know why it would be though no google it god he's making me google everything oh no because now I'm questioning myself it's up there with

you know chocolate and oysters isn't it alright in ancient times asparagus was renowned renowned as an aphrodisiac and maybe for good reason

it contains a stimulating blend of nutrients that help boost energy cleanse the urinary tract and neutralize excess ammonia. Whoa. Gets in there. Well, that's eight. Okay. So Belinda had requested this dish specially because asparagus is nature's Viagra.

And she needed tonight to end with a good old pounding. Eat as you meant to go on, her brain reasoned. What? Eat as you meant to go on. They're almost phrases, but they just missed the mark. And by the time you've realised that they don't make sense, like so much time has, you know, like it's already moved on, which I think is what he's banking on, on the banks.

What does it mean? What does he mean? is what he's banking on. On the banks. Every day. And she's... What does it mean? What does he mean? Looking down the long table with MDF top, Belinda saw her career before her eyes. Depressing.

Yeah, that motley crew. Can you imagine? Hello. Hello. Hello. Why is there an echo? They're on a bank bank it's a long table hello hello i imagine them in the open air yeah what's it banging off i don't know sugar

life mountain does it say that you've got an echo in the book hello hello hello yes so she could be going hello hello hello but you've decided it's an echo. I'm being kind. Yeah, you're right. Hello, hello, hello. Hey, hi, woo. Well, no, because it's quite clever, because the first hello is in capitals. It's not clever. The second hello is in capitals. Can you hear me?

It's not clever. And the third hello is just all lowercase. Is your voice getting lost on the wind? I don't know. I can't hear you. It's not clever. Hello, hello, hello. Valued colleagues colleagues eegs

eegs eegs okay it is an echo then or she's saying valued colleagues eegs eegs why is it just the end

of the word that echoes why doesn't call echo thanks for coming all this way yay yay way yay yay it's just for every sentence oh my god for the rest of the book

it's a fucking speech so thanks for coming all this way way we'll be coming for longer than that flight later on on on on because they're in the same space no Bella's voice is like a duck quack it doesn't echo

howled Bella already seven kyperinias deep oh fuck oh bella ella ella you're such a monkey's auntie oh christ right sorry are we not even into the speech yet? You're such a monkey's auntie. I can't even remember. What did Bella say? We'll be coming for longer than that flight later. Right.

So Belinda said... I actually missed that. So Belinda said, thanks for coming all this way. Eh, eh, eh. We'll be coming for longer than the flight later on. Eh, eh, eh. Right. Oh, Bella, Ella, Ella, you're such a monkey's auntie. Which is a monkey's uncle.

What is a monkey's uncle? What context do you use monkey's uncle in? I just know it from The Lion King. A monkey's uncle. Doesn't Scar say so? Yeah, what does that make me? A monkey's uncle. Yeah, what does it even mean?

I don't know. I've never heard it used in this context. Let's see what it actually means. You're such a monkey's uncle. You just said that. You're such a monkey's uncle you just you're such a monkey's auntie no well exactly I

you know he's put it in the right general it's used to express complete surprise amazement or disbelief right it means use it in a sentence

well I'll be a monkey's uncle you're sort of shocked by something oh okay so oh Bella you're such a monkey's auntie no you can say it with as much hope in your eyes as you want You're sort of shocked by something. Oh, okay. So, oh, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie. No.

You can say it with as much hope in your eyes as you want. I guess he's not misgendering her. That's good. Yeah, true. Can you just read that last line again? Oh, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie. Why doesn't that echo? I know. They've opened the door.

So, Bella, you're such a monkey's auntie Belinda continued but in all seriousness I wondered how best to celebrate my steely demise and bish ascension oh it's back

it's back she spoke loudly so even Ken Dewsbury at the back could hear her at first first first

I thought a crack at the Guinness World Record for how many people you can fucking one go could work. What? Sorry. Okay. Oh, to celebrate her leaving. She wants to like break her Guinness World Record. But the rules stipulated

that although 30 seconds constitutes a fuck, there's no obligation to come, mum, mum. So what's the jiffing point, oint, oint? I don't imagine that Guinness used the word fuck. So basically, she's saying, I was going to do this Guinness World Record, but there's no point because you can't come. Oh, right. Well, yeah, sure.

What's the jiffing point, oint, oint? Grunts of agreement made their way down the table like a brazilian-ish mexican wave but really i just want to say thank you thank you for hiring this scrappy little madam with business acumen as killer as her tits echo gone again. This is an emotional bit. Oh, sorry. I'm just focused on the echo. She has business acumen as killer as her tits. Please cry. I wouldn't have been able to achieve all I have

without each and every one of you. We made hay into lemonade. Ain't that the truth? Who is she? Jesus. How did she do that conversion? I Who is she? Jesus. Like how did she do that conversion? I don't remember that chapter. Even he just made more of what he had.

But to turn hay into lemonade. Bloody hell. He's got himself confused with two there, hasn't he? Is she thinking of oat milk? What do you mean? Can you make a milk out of hay? I don't know. You're right. I'm trying to help him. isn't he is she thinking of oat milk what does what do you mean can you make a milk out of hay um I don't know

you're right hay milk I'm trying to help him but also I wouldn't say that here James that might be the next trendy milk keep it to yourself

what would you do soak hay yeah it's the oats it isn't the stalks that make the milk yeah I'll not make milk

out of anything hay is just grass right it's like silage like silage is kind of like fermented hay I'll not make milk out of anything Hay is just grass right It's like silage Like silage is kind of like fermented hay Which you feed to cows But wait cows eat the hay or the grass Yes

And cows make the milk So if we cut out the middle man Which is the cow Right We've got hay milk We've got hay milk Milk So we made hay into lemonade

And trust me, I'll give you very competitive franchise rights deals for all Bish product lines when I take you all over. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I bet that gets a laugh, though. I'm not sure if that ha, ha, ha is a ha, ha, ha, or ha, ha, ha on the echo. Oh.

What, so she says one ha, and then the ha echoes? I don't know. Ha, ha, ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. says one ha and then the ha i don't know joking inging belinda sassed creasing up her mouth like a sexy jack-in-the-box i like that jamie moments ago said it's emotional i'm like is it i thought it might be i thought it was going that way please don't force me to feel things I don't feel. And trust me, I'll give you very competitive franchise rights deals for all Bish product lines when I take you all over. Ha. Ha.

Oh, I get it now. It's hilarious, isn't it? Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, I'm sorry, I get it. Ha. Oh, there you go. There you go, I get it. Oh, there you go.

There you go, that was one. Everyone laughed. Oh, God, the echo was going to be mad. Oh, my God. The banks of Rio de Janeiro are deafening. Did they all laugh or did they all do one half? But it sounded like hysterical laughter. Everyone laughed but knew their days of gameful employment were numbered.

Why? What, they're all going to lose their jobs? I guess because she's going to be so good at Bish that she'll run steals into the ground. Right, okay. None of them stood a chance with this ruthless new hair-ess of Bish hair-stealing. That would be clever if it didn't mean mister. Mr. S. Mr. S. Mr. S.

There you go. Oh, wait a sec. Is that by mistake though? So, sink or swim, fly or fall, suck or fuck, I move on and will forever cherish the memories of this little company in its sad little office outside Heathrow. Oh, that was so nice just until that end bit. Although, where's the lie? To Steeles, Pots and Pans.

Shall we? Cheers! Cheers! To Steeles, Pots and Pans. To Steeles, Pots and Pans. All present drank on cue Their hay lemonade Seconds later

Des Martin started rummaging his hand In his trousers And took out his ocarina Oh In his trousers, it's massive isn't it an ocarina Is it a flute? I'll show you a picture What's that thing

that the guy plays in Lady and the Tramp no that's a that's a accordion accordion yeah sorry that's what I'm thinking of

an ocarina oh no an ocarina oh no we're all confused what's an ocarina oh my god what is it show us

I'm going to I have never seen that before in my life. It's like a... Why is it a whistle? It's like a bird whistle. It's like an ocarina. It's like a fat little whistle.

It's an ocarina. It's a four-hole ocarina. If you're at home, Google ocarina. We'll put it on the Instagram. It looks like a sex toy. It's like a spherical a small spherical kind of whistle with holes in it almost looks like belinda's colander 360 dress he's had that in his trousers the whole time if anyone listening plays the ocarina owns an

ocarina we'd love you to get in touch oh yeah i wonder how it sounds are you telling me that's not a vibration that's a hair dryerator? That's a hairdryer. So it must sound like a... It must have, like, flute qualities. Oh, yes. Can we maybe play a bit? Yeah, let's have a look. He loves a... Dad loves a harmonica, yeah.

Harmonica, yeah. So I guess this is, like, the Brazilian harmonica. I don't know. Where's it from? That's a recorder, essentially. It's essentially a recorder. Okay, well, look. So he got out his ocarina. That isn't a euphemism. recorder essentially it's essentially a recorder okay well look so he got out his

ocarina that isn't a euphemism he literally got out his ocarina does sound like a euphemism a song for the

best boss ever there was I hate him so much he played on an ocarina he said it's the tribute she deserves.

He said before placing his lips to the hole and started to blow. Of what? You know he doesn't know how to play the ocarina. I mean, all anybody can play on a recorder is when the saints go marching in. So what's he going to play that's appropriate? The sweetest sound like honey oozing off the hexagon hive, filled the room. Do we know the song? Do we get the song title?

Oh, bloody hell. All the Steel's people present stood once again. They didn't get Ocarina's out. Saluted to Belinda. Is it the national anthem? And began to sing. Okay. Are you going to sing? You play the Ocarina, Hilton. You play the national anthem? And began to sing. Okay. Are you going to sing?

You play the ocarina, Hilson. You play the ocarina along to this. You have it, I'll play it. She's a boss. She's a boss. But more than just a boss. We're at a loss. For words because we're losing our boss.

That's it. I smell a billion streams on Spotify. Oh my God. If someone does play the ocarina at home. Give us a melody. If I just sing it again. I love that you said at home. Stay in your house.

Could you do an accompaniment? Not that that wasn't brilliant, Al. Okay, so give us a clean version. So, and they're all singing this together. It's kind of, yeah, like a national anthem. It's very rousing. Can you send us the words and we can all sing it? And a one, two, three.

She's a boss. But more than just a boss we're at a loss full words because we're losing it's not do they know it's christmas get your fingers out your ears i did stumble there because it doesn't say because it says be accusy how that will ever sound nice he's missed out an A has he I don't know

no it's a jumble it's an absolute jumble are we in a musical where just everyone just knows this song that doesn't exist have they pre-prepared this well I think

because they all stood and were saluting to Belinda they must have prepared this so do they sing this every time a boss leaves the company maybe is this like the boss

leaving song but it's so it's touching when you look at the this every time a boss leaves the company? Maybe. Is this like the boss leaving song? But it's so, it's touching when you look at the lyrics. She's a boss, but more than just a boss. We're at a loss for words because we're losing our boss. I like that he's rhymed loss with because. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually really smart.

And we're at a loss for words. It's kind of continuing the phrase on. And it sort of explains why the song's only seven seconds long, doesn't it? Because they're at a loss for words. It's kind of continuing the phrase on. And it sort of explains why the song's only seven seconds long, doesn't it? Because they're at a loss for words. Is that a verse or a chorus? I think that's just the song. Oh, right, okay. Everything.

It's a chant, more than a thing. Tears were streaming down Belinda's eye holes. Because it was so bad. After that, really? Maybe just the wind blowing into her eye. She'd never imagined that someone would write such a beautiful ballad about her one day. But that one day was

today. Suddenly all the champagne bottles burst free of their corks and bubbles flowed across the table of diners. Why is it be our guest? I was going to say, it's literally eating the beef. But if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. Yeah, but you've got a poltergeist.

Not that she's like the best boss in the world. I'm lost for words. The champagne's off shortly. Yeah, that's not right. Bella cackled. It's too wet to soak in. We'll all get wrinkly bits. Everybody strip.

I thought they were naked. They've not got any clothes. Oh, yeah. Bella wasted zilch time in wriggling out of her brown cocktail dress. Brown? It could have been any colour, couldn't it? Brown.

And everyone assembled followed her lead. Sorry, I can't get over the brown cocktail. She makes bad choices at every turn. She does. She really does. It's an art form, really. It's amazing. Fucking was rudimentary for the Steeles family.

I don't say family in this context. Yes, family. Yes, family. It meant so much that to not do it would feel slightly odd. A bit like that sentence. It meant so much that to not do it would feel slightly odd a bit like that sentence it meant so much that to not do it would feel slightly odd sorry just on the family point i was on instagram someone posted a picture with the caption yes family oh james you know who you're obsessed with this have we not talked about this before because he's always wanging on about it when we're not recording lupita nyong'o yes

because she was with her family no need to let it go she posted a picture with her family yeah but she okay it's an open and shut case with her family yes family no the comp the caption was yes comma family that's not a phrase unless it's from belinda blinked i'm just saying i think she's given us signals lupita if you're listening what do you mean it's not a phrase? Yes, family. Yes, family. One of you said, yes, family. So you think

that she was putting out... She's reaching out. Do you know what she could also do on Instagram to reach out? Reach out. Like, she could literally find our profile

and DM us. She's not reaching out, James. It's not a coincidence. Do you know who is reaching? James Cooper. It's not a coincidence. Literally the definition of a coincidence. It's not a coincidence. Do you know who is reaching? James Cooper. It's not a coincidence. Literally the definition of a coincidence. It's quite a long time ago now and you're still talking about it.

We talk about it every time we see each other, actually. I mean, we all love Lupita Nyong'o. I would just be thrilled if she did listen. Yeah, well, she doesn't, so let's move on. Can you imagine if James slipped into her DMs and was like, I saw the post. Lupita, I hear you. I got the signal

Lou Peter You're welcome But before they could make Try their bequest What? But before they could make Try their bequest Before they could make

Try their bequest Tony stepped forward I'm looking at Alice She's looking at me And I think we're in agreement Belinda It's been an honour But you don't think forward. I'm looking at Alice. She's looking at me. And I think we're in agreement. Belinda, it's been in honour. But you don't think we'd let you leave the company without a big present, do you?

Well, I hadn't thought about it, lied Belinda. Well, here you go. Tony handed her a brown envelope like the ones you dread from HMRC. I thought you were going to say like Bella's cocktail dress. My bonus!

My bonus! I finally got it! I did! You didn't just get it, Tony smiled. She did just got it. You didn't just get it. Tony smiled. She did just get it. You earned it. Oh my God.

I actually do feel emotional. She got her vote. She got her vote. How much is it? It doesn't say. He doesn't remember what he promised. Five pounds. I am actually chuffed to bits for her.

£5 I am actually chuffed to bits for her Belinda beamed As the class of steels, pots and pans Cheered and whooped her name Belinda Belinda Belinda Belinda

Now let's fuck Screeched Bella Is there no one else who can speak there? It's not her day is it? Already unhooking the flimsy bits of fabric over her big boobies Yes One last fucklust for the ages Agreed Giselle

As she slinked out of her Belinda themed dress Oh Have her face on it or something So everyone's sort of got a different Idea of what the dress code is. Does that mean she's just wearing Belinda's clothes? Maybe. Because she's wearing a colander.

I would argue that actually you're more likely to fuck now because you don't work together. That's how things usually work, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't look at me like that, Alice. It's not going to happen. Oh, now it all makes sense next week next week you two are the ross and rachel of this

podcast oh my god it took me so long to get it i was like what before there was even a change in ambient lighting there's lighting candlelight surely the sun i was gonna say maybe sunset before there was even a change in ambient lighting he wouldn't allow that for very long what do you mean it's sunset I'm just like

there's more holes in this than there are in that dress before there was even a change in ambient lighting Giselle had opened

her never ending legs and turned just imagine them like snaking into the sea why is she such a squid Giselle had opened and also it doesn't sound like

she's widening them like like plying them apart it sounds like she's opening the legs up yeah and also like

I just imagine them like tapering off like they get really really thin as they go longer so gross Giselle had opened her never ending legs and Tony had opened her never-ending legs and Tony had opened

her labia with both fingers. Lovely. Both fingers? Why has he only got two fingers? Oh, so they're back on talking terms. What, Tony and her labia? No, Tony and Giselle.

Oh, yeah. She left him. We would take this to mean yes, wouldn't we? This is the olive branch they were looking for. So, yeah, he opened her labia with both fingers

he finger fucked his lady wife without a care in the world that's nice together on one show played on the ocarina

Bella was equally accommodating with her vaginal cavity. Maybe that's where the echo is coming from. A cavity is an open hole. Yeah. Like it's not, like why is it so... Dental.

Why is it so dental? Why is it always just so like unprotected? Yeah. And a gate. Cover it over please Bella was equally accommodating with her vaginal cavity over the scattered limbs sex haze

and moisture thickening the air Belinda spied a body oh twist I thought we were just going to have a little fuckfest. What do you mean a body? I hope it's not a body that's been washed up onto the banks. Sorry, is he about to start a murder mystery?

Oh God. I wouldn't put that past him, you know. He loves it, doesn't he? He loves a mystery. Belinda spied a body. A man body. The man body she had desired ever since she started at Steeles Pots and Pens.

Okay, pause. Who? She slept with everybody. A man body who owned a face. Has she been? Why are they all like in bits? Why is he with a potato head? And all those lemons earlier.

A man body who owned a face that made Belinda wring out her knickers. A man... No, can I have a minute? Wring out her knickers. The man body that had long been the apple of her ass. The apple of her ass. Apple of her ass. We get it.

She's fancied them for a long time. She fancies the apple of her ass The apple of her ass We get it She's fancied them for a long time She fancies the apple of him Peter Rouse Walked from the shadows of fate Like a man who meant business Wait a sec I thought that was going to be Like a new character We haven't seen Peter for a long time

But she's definitely had sex with him Yeah Well it said that she desired him Ever since she started at sea Yeah and she acted on that desire very early on she famously didn't wait a minute he has a face that makes her ring out her knickers and he's long been the apple of her ass but he's she's been back to see him as well oh yeah she went to his office his yeah. She shagged his wife.

Such a bum. I would argue that she hasn't held back. We haven't seen him since, like, book two, though. Yeah, it's the definition of been there, done that. Wait, do we finally understand what the runes meant that you painted on him? Oh, probably. Here we go. Well, I've always felt like, out of all of the relationships in the book. Oh my God, relationships.

That says a lot about you. Does it kind of... I've always felt that they were maybe the love match. There was something slightly deeper going on there. Yeah, I know what you mean. And she's very sort of throwaway with a lot of the people that she has sex with. Yeah, I know what you mean. And she's very sort of throwaway with a lot of the people that she has sex with.

Yeah. And happily so. But Peter has, I mean... He lingered. He's sustained, hasn't he? So Peter Rouse walked from the shadows of fate. I'm imagining him

walking out of the water. So like Ursula Andress style. Like a man who meant business. As he approached the throng, Belinda's pussy lit up like the Blackpool Illuminations. Well, it is going to get dark, so they will need a light. He issued each Steeles employee a solid metal business card as he navigated their naked forms. That's heavy to carry around, isn't it? That's slick though, right?

Yeah, but a quantity of them in your pocket will pull your trousers down that's what he wants that's true more the merrier dialing in on belinda's perfect eyeballs peter rouse stopped for belinda herself she was sworn that she had romantic closure with this human male okay look i know that we're all saying oh we sort of saw this written in the stars and like there was you know a description early on that suggested there's something else going on here he has let this go quite cold if this is exactly your dad or peter rocky like he's not exactly kept this one no on the heat has he

she hasn't seen him in about three months we haven't seen him in six years that's what I mean because in the books she probably has seen him relatively recently

but yes we haven't but what do you mean in the books like I don't give a fuck about in the books like I've basically forgotten about him who is Peter Rouse as the writer books. Like, I don't give a fuck about in the books. Like, I've basically forgotten about him. I'm thinking of a book with...

Who is Peter Rouse? As the writer, you need to care what the reader feels, too. For Belinda herself, she was sworn that she had romantic closure with this human male. Her wits felt similar, and even a contrarian brain agreed.

Sometimes I just can't get my head around it. I'm like, what? She hadn't seen him. Oh, God. Since he had smeared her with odd mud symbols. No, she had. Yeah, she'd seen him in Amsterdam. That's completely wrong.

Get your facts right, Rocky. Oh, my God. But you know what? Do you know what Jamie's defence is going to be? No, that's what she remembers. It's her truth. It's her truth. It's her truth. She had a whole trip to Amsterdam that was half of book two.

And it was essentially only spent with them. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the author disagrees with you. The rouses formed a huge part of her sexual awakening. She hadn't seen him since he had smeared her with odd mud symbols and entered her tenderly and passionately on the polystyrene sofa of the horse and jockey polystyrene i think he means polyester okay come on rocky come on the like the fact check is falling off a cliff in these last few sentences i would argue that other things have fallen off the cliff in this chapter as well. All of a sudden, Peter Rouse did something to shut up

even Belinda's interior chums. Interior chums. That'd be her wits and her contrarian brain. Right. Her eyes blew up as she bore witness to him. Blew up? Blew up. What do you mean? What would that even mean? blew up what do you mean

what would that even mean even though he doesn't mean it literally what does it mean they lit up he means lit up blew up like you blow up a balloon maybe

they get bigger her vagina has lit up but her eyes have blown up her eyes blew up as she bore witness to him coughing. What the hell is going on? And then folding his tall body southward.

His tall body south in half. So he bent in half or he just fell over? Bent in half. Folded. At the waist, like bent forwards. Yeah, so he's like touched his toes. So he folded. a very tall man I'm picturing

a sort of Jacob Rees-Mogg like sort of style of character like a very long pencil bending over so she's a gog her eyes have blown up

and all he's done is cough and bend over sounds like he's having a medical and then folding his tall body southward her gob opened uninvited oh god And then folding his tall body southward,

her gob opened uninvited. Oh, God. As Peter Rouse got down on one knee. Shut up. Wait, he's married already. Well, hang on. Rocky's going to pull the rug from under us. He hasn't seen her.

We haven't seen him. She hasn't seen him. He's married. He lives in Amsterdam. Where's he been? He could be tying her. We haven't seen him. She hasn't seen him. He's married. He lives in Amsterdam. Where's he been? He could be tying his laces. Oh no. Belinda blinked. Oh Belinda blinked. Has she blinked yet? No. Cheers. Has anyone actually ever

proposed to her before? Not while we've known her. That's all I care about. It's true. Check the CV. Belinda blinked. Belinda, will you marry me? Wow. James. She's got a bonus and a proposal.

And that is the end of the chapter. Jamie, describe what you see. Oh my God. She's literally got goosebumps. I've got goosebumps. Oh, we have had a wedding Not hers Tony and Giselle got married

Yes But they were already engaged I think Before the books She's got chills She's got chills They're multiplying So

This whole thing could end On a wedding This whole thing could end in tears Is that Shakespeare That a comedy ends in a wedding And a tragedy ends in death Well this ain't Shakespeare So who cares Those rules do not apply here This whole thing could end in tears. Is that Shakespeare, that a comedy ends in a wedding and a tragedy ends in death? Well, this ain't Shakespeare, so who cares?

Those rules do not apply here. Michael Sheen would beg to differ. I don't know. I can't gauge whether she'll say yes or no. We did meet Peter a couple of Christmas ago because he was trying for a baby, but that was in her mind. Yeah, that was... That doesn't count.

That was in her alter ego world. Yeah. So do join us next week, next Monday. For the final bit of Rocky's writing that we'll ever read. It's the final, final, final, final. Oh my God. Final, final. Yeah, it's the final bit of Rocky we'll ever read.

Okay, let's make next week, like, that's the goodbye. Should we dress up? Should we get... Should we dress nice? Oh, should we? We have to get some drinks in as well. Get some drinks in. Should we have a party?

Should we do a listening party like old time yeah we have to oh my god guys I'm honestly gonna cry I don't know why but it's not really hitting me yet

I think next week I'm gonna be on the floor I mean I'd hope so Alan it's been eight years okay so keep an eye on socials for details of the listening party yes yes

that's at dadwroteaporno on twitter at mydadwroteat on instagram search mydadwroteaporno on facebook all at MyDadWroteOut on Instagram, search MyDadWroteOutPorno on Facebook, all that shit. And our email is, and has always been, MyDadWroteOutPorno at gmail.com. I love that we never changed it from Gmail. Okay, so join us next week where we open Belinda Blinked for the very last time. And then close Belinda Blinked. And then we'll be closing it after, yes.

So open it to read it, then close it. That's how you read a book, James, yes. And then seal it. See you next week.