My Therapist Ghosted Me - Ass Work, Gout & Cancel Culture

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Joanne has been to see another specialist, but what is it this time? There's also Vogue's Spoofer of The Week and a woman called coleslaw Jane, plus accidental messages and bad gifts for the rich. Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of exposing things about your friend that they wouldn't want their mother to hear. That's true. I don't want my mom to hear some of the stuff you say. I know, that's why we don't use that. We don't use that shit for the Insta stories. My mom, we actually have specific parts we won't use for Insta stories. But my mom goes on a walk and I nearly came out of my mouth to tell her to subscribe to a podcast

because she wouldn't know how to do it on her own. I was like, what am I thinking? I don't want her seeing anything we get up to. I can't believe your mom doesn't even follow me. I was going to wish her a happy birthday. And I was like screw you Sandra screw Sandra and then I unfollowed her and blocked her

on this week's episode we have cancel culture our spoofer of the week and what not to buy your rich mates oh I've written things down about my week first thing flowers remember I said in the pod weeks ago don't send me flowers I hate flowers I'm deeply regretting it go on why no one's sending

me flowers and someone sent me one and I was like oh that's brash to send me flowers what did you what did you think was gonna happen I've changed my mind flower companies out there right if you want to lash a few tulips my way I'm ready ready. Yellow being my colour of choice. I'm just not going to be one of those people who makes bouquets and stuff like that. I'm not into flowers. Like, I like flowers,

but I've never once bought myself a bunch of flowers. My housemate Sophie, we call her the truffle pig because she does nothing but spoil herself. She is so...

I've never seen anyone... It's like, treat yourself. It's like she... It's 24... That's her life. Joanne, you spoil yourself with certain things. Sophie she it's 24 that's her life Joanne you spoil yourself with certain things

Sophie has a shower gel that's so expensive she has to pay for it in installments on Klarna it was like

60 quid on ASAP or something I don't know what it is it's like a fucking mortgage and she's

lathering away up there it's like 20 quid a pop that every time she showers it's like 20 pounds

but oh she so she obviously used to send flowers to herself every Friday of course but there's she was the one

who introduced me to these candles that although someone did message me here she is talking about candles again Ronnie Colby so I don't

really I don't really accept like do you know when someone's like oh can we send you something yeah I don't take it because do you know when someone's like oh can we send you something yeah I don't take it because I know then they want me to post about it and I don't want to post about it so I just don't take anything what if it's something really nice like my tracksuit you accepted that that's different because it's something you want

yeah because you know I'll sell you millions and millions of tracks oh I'd say you did contribute to a good few sales definitely I should have got a swipe up coat. Oh my God, I've been going around in this coat that's got the fucking tag on it. I just got papped. It's so terrible. Well, I actually filled in

something yesterday and they were like, the tag's on your shirt. And I was like, I should probably take it off because I've worn this shirt four times in Thailand. It's probably a bit past the point

of taking it back. I would have though. I actually, I've never taken anything back in my life. I'm physically incapable. I now have to try and get a size extra large man's Fred Perry shirt. I would have though. I actually, I've never taken anything back in my life. I'm physically incapable. I now have to try and get a size extra large

man's Fred Perry shirt. I have to get something out of it because I just can't return it. Anyway, we're getting completely derailed. Just like that. Are we going to tell people

what happened on Monday? Jo lost her pod but I realised something about my pal Joanne that I'd never realised before. She doesn't function before nine o'clock in the morning.

She came over, you were pretty sweaty. you'd run maybe you can learn how to operate the heat in your house i wouldn't look like i was going through the menopause every time i come into it and you were so all over the face i've never seen anything like it that's like me at about 10 past 10 at night yeah it's you's you in the morning. It's me at night. I hated it. You'd done three workouts and brought out like a clothing line and I'd done nothing. And I think I was hung over. Joe was remote and I couldn't hear him. And I find Joe quite soothing. Joe, you're like a therapy dog. A therapy dog. And the podcast was all over the place. It was an absolute car crash. And then Joe got on his high horse at the end,

his big high saddle and was like, that was a fucking car crash, but I'll fix it. And then he goes, oh shit, where is it? Joe lost it. I think Joe lost it on purpose.

Which I think was a sign from the gods because it was so bad. It wasn't bad. It was really bad. If there was ever anything to lose, it was that. My mind just kept glitching and I was getting irrationally,

I was getting really irritated. You were broken. I felt like I was going to hit a child. Like I was just really irritated. Yeah. She did push Theodore. I did push him, yeah. And then I waxed Gigi's lip.

Hey, Gigi. Do you know that back in Egyptian times That's how I start all my lines to Vogue Because I know she won't know It makes me feel superior Excuse me I know everything about Egypt Toot and Camoon

Get lost You only know about him Because of me Because I'm obsessed with him I know about Did you go to his little festival He had here recently His festival

You didn't Because you don't like him that much That's so vogue turns up in her chenellingtons and her cut off denim shorts toots what stage is toots

playing on I'm here to see toots yeah go on tell us about Egypt they used to ancient Egypt women used to make paste out of arsenic

for hair removal people go on about what a tough life it is and how tough it is to be alive and all the shit can you imagine being an ancient Egyptian woman?

No. Do you know what I always think of? Not even that far back. Imagine having to wash your clothes on that weird board thing that they used to have. Or like dying of the plague. I mean, there are definitely

worse things than having to wash your clothes on a board. Well, there's worse things than having to like get rid of your hair with arsenic. I don't know if there is. Like, I mean... The board washing.

Imagine! Laser is painful enough. Arsenic! Laser doesn't know if there is. I mean, the board washing. Imagine, laser is painful enough. Arsenic. Laser doesn't hurt even one tiny bit. It's because you're the face of therapy clinic. You have to say that. No, Joanne, did you get your laser done there and did it hurt? It's because of the blowing air.

There's blowing air on it so you don't actually feel it. It tricks your mind. Yeah, no, that is fair. Okay, tell me the week that was. Tell me about your week. So I have a couple of things to say. One, I did, I was an understudy on 8 out of 10

cats does countdown. Yeah, that's quite cool. So that's why I was off to Manchester at my tiny ceramic baby head. What was the crack with that? So you have to bring a mascot. Oh, that was so weird.

Yeah, and I was praying no one got sick because I just wasn't in the headspace to do it. Where did you get that? My baby head. The mug, was it a mug? No, I keep cigarettes't in the headspace to do it. Where did you get that? My baby head. The mug? Was it a mug?

No, I keep cigarettes and pens in it. Oh, gross. So anyway, then people started sending me all these photos of their own, I don't know,

baby head, pot plants and all this stuff. But then this woman contacted me, it was one of the, I don't actually feel like how funny it was. And she was like,

oh, where'd you get that? My husband used to carry a doll's head around with him when he was a child. Just the head on its own. And she was like, oh, where'd you get that? My husband used to carry a doll's head around when he was a child. Just the head on its own. And she said, he used to cry if anyone took it away from him.

And his mother actually gave it to me when we got married. And it's in his wardrobe wrapped in cling film. And I was laughing. Because I love the fact that the mother gave it to her

on their wedding day. And I also love the fact that he has his own wardrobe and that it's still in it. But then she sent me a photo of the doll. Did you see the doll? I saw the picture. I found that really scary. I know. I mean, it's just a singular doll's head, quite

a large one, in cling film. It's like what I imagine when you went to accidentally vacuum pack Theodore. But that's what it's going to look like. Just this doll's head with the eyes wide open. It looks like it's been... Like, don't put a baby's head in a bag. I just don't want... It looks like it's been, like don't put a baby's head in a bag. I just don't want, no.

It looks like it's been stored in a sandwich bag. Anyway. Imagine someone's mom gave you that. You'd be like, I'm all in for this. This is not what I signed up for. On your wedding day, like something else, something blue, something borrowed, and a baby's head in a bag.

No thanks. So that's what you brought up. So anyway, that's what I brought up. But I eventually want, so I'm doing a couple of understudies because of corona, I was about to say couple of understudies because of Corona, I was about to say because of cholera, because of Corona,

if anyone drops dead, they wheel me out, which I'm hoping includes Jimmy because imagine I got to host it. Wouldn't that be amazing? I think that you should start your own comedy show. Like, who the fuck is that?

But I was thinking for my real mascot when I really get on, I want like a tramp stamp of Jimmy Carr's face as a cat with like whiskers and stuff and then also like a chest piece because I'd love to get a tattoo, but I don't care about anything at all. Do you have any tattoos? No, because I don't care about anything at all. of Jimmy Carr's face as a cat with like whiskers and stuff and then also like a chest piece.

Because I'd love to get a tattoo but I don't care about anything at all. Do you have any tattoos? No, because I don't care about anything at all. No, I don't think you should get a tattoo. I'm not getting a real tramp stamp of Jimmy Carr's face. It'd be a transfer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be too sure about you actually, Joanne. Your week is already more interesting than mine. Anything for content. Oh, and then I wanted to talk about

my ass is on the rise. So I'm getting a I believe they call it in the business a non-invasive Brazilian butt lift with Susan Vaughan in Mayfair

he's a lovely Irish woman and she was like here do you want to are we just going to bypass the fact that we had an ass plan together we had this whole grand plan

Joanne and I were going to get bums for the summer delicious bums and we did one workout together and then she fucks off and goes and gets a bum lift on her own. Well, I don't think anyone would dispute this,

but you're a couple of weeks ahead of me on the old bum exercise. I am. Have you seen my ass? I've been lying down for nine months. Nah, Joanne. Joanne, I see you on the belly. You're quite good on the belly.

I've been lying down for nine months. I'm only back getting into it. Up to this point, the only thing I exercised was caution. I was very clear about that. I did absolutely nothing. I sat in my house and dipped crisps

into red wine and cried about my career. Did you always have leg weights on? You did every day of lockdown. I did. You wore leg weights. And I only got larger

and larger and larger because I would just wear the leg weights. The problem with me is I talk about it all the time. I'm pretty sure I would look like an Olympian if I didn't drink red wine

I am absolutely addicted to the shit I adore it I would drink it just red wine like what red wine I don't care this is the thing

isn't it a great time to be alive okay I nearly gave myself gout from red wine gout gout used to be something that the kings got and like from

the king Henry Henry the 8th Henry the 8th he had it they all had it but it was from being rich and eating fine cheeses

and red wines and it was something the rich got and now me a peasant can get gout for a tenner a day out of a petrol station

I really am just gonna like work out and chill how long do we give it Jo? I was gonna tell you that I cheated on you yeah and I did the Alan Carr podcast

oh yeah you cheated on me with Alan Carr as well as Dan the Ass Man Dan the Ass Man I haven't had Dan when you're not there I did not cheat on you with Dan yet

but I will because I know you're going for I did not cheat on you with Dan yet but I will because I know you're going for another bum lift today so I need to catch up Alan Carr did his podcast with Sven and he's actually

very nice and very funny and has a lovely house did you tell him I love him no I didn't we weren't talking about that

his podcast was about holidays you told me you did I said did you tell him I love him and you said yeah I did oh maybe I did you're a liar

I don't know if I'm a liar because I can't remember. I'm not a good liar. So I don't know if I'm a liar or not. I did a bit of, because we're both obviously a bit ass mad at the moment. So I did a bit of reading

into why we suddenly want to wear our asses up high like a backpack. And I did a kind of a study of like the fashion and the changes of it and stuff. And why asses are now the big obsession. And I read a kind of a study of like the fashion and the changes of it and stuff. And why asses are now the big obsession. And I read this thing, it's saying that like boob jobs are down by 20% and ass work is up by 50%.

What? Yeah, so like tit jobs are like a thing of the past now, basically. Do you know how happy that makes me? Like I have barely a nipple. I'm going to show you my naked boobs. You'll die. You'll die. I've sat to show you my naked boobs. You'll die. You'll die. I've sat there watching you breastfeed your kids.

That's when I was breastfeeding and they were big. They're gone. They're like pecs now. So if it's just my ass, I'm delighted. Go on, tell me more. I love this. I'm a 34B, but I call them 34B disappointed because they're shit. They're shit.

Like, I've said to Vogue a million times I'd love to get a tit job. I'd get a tit job if I didn't have to go into the knife. I'll talk to Susan. She can probably do a non-invasive tit lift for you.

She just massages them up or she'll what she's doing on my ass is she just electrocutes each cheek for 20 minutes and then it jumps up from the shock. Oh God.

Because I can't do the ass exercises. They're like tuck it in untuck it in. I'm like it's not I don't know how to tuck my ass in. To what? It's your tailbone

you've got to tuck under. Anyway, I was doing this research into why we suddenly, like why this, is it, like why, okay,

you know the way we love a trend and a fad and fashion and we love a bit of beauty and it's basically like our five-a-side. We love a bit of beauty. We love a bit of beauty.

It's like our five-a-side. It's like our We love a bit of beauty. It's like our five aside. It's like our sport. Yeah. And the more painful the better. Exactly. And eventually I'll be wearing my ass like a helmet because it'll be so high which will make it exactly like a sport. I want to wear it up like a trilby. I don't know why.

I just like trends. And if ass is what we're doing then ass is what I will do. But, so then I realised, obviously it's all to do with attracting men, which seems ridiculous considering I just get my ass lift and then go home and get into my pyjamas and go back to bed.

Well, you've done your work. 40 minutes on your ass. At the moment, it's not really an ass lift. I don't know what I'm getting. She just kind of puts a load of heat in it. I'm probably getting molested and I don't even know it. Sorry, Susan.

I'll see you at three. And I'll see you next week but I want to we took before and after photos and I was like do you know when you measure a kid

and you draw up the wall like we're literally doing that with my ass stop well yeah was there a difference at first treatment well I've only had one treatment

so the side of a large apparently this is from the science. I say the science, it's like Buzzfeed or some shit. Apparently, the side of a large woman's ass, it activates the reward regions of the male brain that are otherwise activated by drugs, alcohol and food. So, basically

we're being terrible feminists by wanting to engorge our arses. I want it for myself, though. I want to look in the mirror and be like, oh, my ass looks good and pert. I actually had a really bad body day the other day I was putting on bikinis and I was like

I can't have my ass out like this no amount of fake tan is going to make that look better if you were having a bad body day like I really think that means just take me

to the fucking guillotine everyone does we need to work on the bum do you remember when we were smaller when we were young and you wanted a small ass no I never remember

wanting a small ass I remember I I never remember wanting a small ass. I remember I was embarrassed about having an ass. We used to tie jumpers and jumpers around our waist so that no one could see our ass. Really? Oh my God,

I wanted to hide my boobs, my non-boobs. There's a woman, Beth from Devon, described her in non-invasive bum lift as her weekly indignity. I was like,

I can agree with that. What do you mean indignity? Well, I met Susan. She's like, hello, hello. How are you? Brilliant, thanks for coming in. Get up on the table there. And I'm suddenly embolic naked and she's massaging my that. What do you mean indignity? Well, I met Susan. She's like, hello, hello. How are you? Brilliant, thanks for coming in. Get up on the table there.

And I'm suddenly embolic naked and she's massaging my ass. Oh, you have to be naked? And she's from the south side of Dublin. Like, we know the same people. But beauty has always been ridiculous. So things they used to do, only back in the 1940s,

women used to sandpaper their hair off. What? They used to use sandpaper to get their hair out. Go on, tell me more. These are good. Victorian times, they would use toxic white lead to whiten their skin

or they would bleed themselves. What? Bleed themselves? Like bloodletting, you know what it's called? Like they would kind of cut themselves, basically. Why? Because paleness was in. So your brand would be pale by vogue.

You'd have been huge back in the day. Pale by vogue? We would have been broke? Pale by vogue. You'd have been huge back in the day. Pale by Vogue? We would have been broke? Pale by Vogue. You'd be selling that white lead body lotion. Oh God. Yeah. That was what was cool.

But isn't it funny? Because it was like, it was cool to be like, like you were seen as really rich if you were heavier. You wanted to be whiter. I just want to be brown all the time. But it's the same in Asia.

They sell like skin whitening creams and stuff because tanning looks like you're out working in the fields and they don't want to be seen as out working and then there was another thing

the tapeworm diet which is very self explanatory when was that? the 20th century it said that's disgusting and then there was another radioactive

so this radium where they would put radioactive stuff on their face to give them a glow. How glowy are we talking though? I know. Chernobyl glowy. Like proper glowy.

I told you. When did I say we should go on a trip to Chernobyl? So as I go, so now I don't feel ridiculous lying on Susan Vaughan's bed having my ass massaged. Okay, because we love treatments and we're going to go in and get those other treatments

but there's this thing that was on TikTok, right? The five most dangerous skincare trends doing the rounds on TikTok. One, homemade face treatments. Did you ever do any of them? No.

You never did one? I don't think so. Not like egg on your face and stuff? I used to clean, when I was younger I used to clean my face with nail polish remover. What?

Yeah. Because your skin at that age is just so oily. Your head is basically a deep fat fryer. Yeah, but people are, right, this is one of the things they're doing.

They're using coffee to exfoliate their face which is meant to be really bad to do. And I thought that might sound quite nice. Other things they do, they're putting Vaseline

all over their face when they go to bed so their skin wakes up silky smooth but supposedly it can like really block up your pores. Dermaplaning, which is that thing,

you know, the shaver thing. It's not a, it's like this thing, right? And it gets rid of the peach fuzz, but also the top layer of your skin. I sliced and diced myself when I was using that at home. So I would not suggest that. Yeah. And then it got me thinking,

like think of the stuff we used to do when we were younger. Who used to iron their hair with a towel and the iron and just go like that? I'm at that stage now where I look at younger girls and I'm like, you don't know how good you have it. Yeah. When our parents used to talk about how good we have it or whatever. It's like, we used to iron our hair. There was no such thing as heat protectors.

Like, we'd take a blowtorch to the hair. Yeah. And we'd be laid out across an ironing board. Our mother would be ironing our hair straight. It was like, get the hotness done it was a real tory tory take on hotness it was like it doesn't matter what it takes to fucking get it done and you'd have to give your hair a pep talk before it's like i'm to war you'd like you're not all gonna survive this okay not everyone's coming back from this experience

and your mother would just be ironing and then half of your hair would fall out didn't matter get hotness done. Get it done. If you didn't have straight hair, you were an absolute loser. I know. You had like steam coming off your hair. But I used to get a towel. Well, if you got a towel, right,

and did it yourself. You pussy. Towel! My mom wouldn't iron my hair for me. She's not for weapon. My mother ironed my hair. But you notice it now. Like that's like,

we were very brave. Like troopers. Like, you know, men with like cauliflower ears and you know, they're really good at sports. When you see that now like that's like we were very brave like troopers like you know men with like cauliflower ears and you know they're really good at sports when you see women with like their ears burnt

from like ironing their hair in the early noughties and you're like you were obviously a big player in the hair ironing business in the early noughties you're very good at beauty stuff I've mastered

porridge you ever make yourself any porridge? no I'm so good at making porridge it literally tastes like a dessert. I don't think that's

what porridge is supposed to taste like. Well whatever you put in it it tastes like a dessert so I mastered that. I went to a play place with Theodore. I did a spot of monkey music again. Yeah.

I did a bit of tennis with Theodore and I think I've become a tiger mom. What's a tiger mom? A tiger mom is when you push your kids into doing stuff, like all the stuff you want them to be the best at everything.

But it's not even that. I just want them to be entertained. But now it's gotten to the point where Theodore wakes up in the morning and he's like, where am I going today? Thinking he's off to do something spectacular every second of every day. And if I say the wrong thing, he's like, no! You've overstimulated him. He's done too much.

And Gigi's got her little monkey music. That's all she gets. And she loves it I get so much pleasure out of blocking people muting people is one of my favourite things I don't know how to unmute

do you not? I'll show you no that's probably for the best I'll show you because I did it to you earlier so I'll unmute you later Chrissy so I'll unmute you later. Chrissy Teigen.

It feels almost like it's slightly old news at this stage because it's kind of mad though. It's absolutely mad. Chrissy Teigen, she has been pulled up about past tweets.

I mean tweets from some eight, nine years ago but like really really bad tweets telling people to kill themselves like a few people telling people to self-harm

and just just generally like really but like to a point that like like you can be nasty and there can be something that will crop up about you

and you're like God I can't believe I ever said that to somebody that's really mean but that I mean it's gone beyond the realms of bitchy so she said all these things and then the the person in question has said that to somebody that's really mean but that i mean is it's it's gone beyond the realms

of bitchy so she said all these things and then the the person in question has said that christy tegan didn't actually try and apologize to her and christy said she did and she's kind of gone off radar now and i think my one thing about the whole christy tegan thing because i do love her i think she's absolutely great i've always really liked her but i read them and i was kind of shocked and as well because she's so like holier than thou online that like she calls people out for being arseholes and stuff all the time when she was like such a bully i know it was terrible my take on it is that during the noughties which is when chrissy was being an absolute wanker and telling courtney stodden to take a dirt nap

which by the way i had no idea what a dirt nap was i i'd Courtney Stodden to take a dirt nap which by the way I had no idea what a dirt nap was I'd be like if someone told me to take a dirt nap I'd happily take it I'd be like I love napping

I'll happily take a dirt nap you're so good at napping as dirty as you want like sounds like a really sexy nap she hasn't come back and said anything about it yet

but I just think as you were saying it was a different era but Joanne was it really that much of a different era that like you can go saying stuff like that to people yeah it genuinely was I think looking back at the culture that it was then different era, but Joanne, was it really that much of a different era that like you can go saying

this stuff like that to people? Yeah, it genuinely was. I think looking back at the culture that it was then, women were complete, women hated each other. Feminism was something disgusting to be ashamed of being part of.

It was seen, feminism was like so old school and it was like the Heat magazine or Now magazine or whatever had that like circle of shame so mean

we saw Britney Spears like literally strapped into a gurney getting wheeled away shocking actually she should have maybe done a little bit more I'm not saying

but like this is my one thing there's some girl I can't remember what she does but she's literally like trying to get her cancels

and it's like I hate the whole thing of like cancel culture she said this years ago she is sorry about it she's probably maybe going to go away

and think about it and then come back and say something big about it the problem my thing is that and we spoke about this before if you put yourself on a moral high ground

or if you position yourself on a high horse there's only one way down from that shit that's why I've always been very clear I've never I've never spoken about

having a single moral ever and that is a safe space for me to be in I've nowhere to fall from you can't you can't expect I've never given you anything

so no one can come at me for anything because I've nowhere to fall from but I do think that everyone has an online past and I think that like she

I mean the worst tweet the only thing that ever came back to bite me in the arse was that time I tweeted something about Spencer and it was literally it was something like

this guy's an idiot hashtag shut up and just before we were getting married somebody had dug out these tweets and had said a couple of things about Maiden Chelsea

and I didn't even really watch it but like what a bitch I know like that's even bitchy to be like hashtag shut up I know but he was an easy target because everyone

knew him at the time now you're still telling him to shut up it's just privately without the hashtag I don't think cultural culture should be a thing

but like I feel like some celebs are just they get a little taste of fame and it can kind of ruin them like did you see

that story last week of your one Lea Michele like loads of stuff remember when that stuff came out about her the girl from Glee and she had this like such nice girl persona and it actually came out that she was really nasty and bullied like the cast and crew I was like did she go into that show being an arsehole

or did the show make her an arsehole I think when you're a celebrity at that level people want you to be an arsehole so they kind of look out for things show make her an arsehole? I think when you're a celebrity at that level, people want you to be an arsehole. So they kind of look out for things that make you an arsehole. Ah, come on, you can't be fucking a shoe at someone. I'd say she was a dick. But we don't know if she threw a shoe, really. Someone's saying she did, someone's saying she didn't.

I'm not... She kicked a shoe. She kicked a shoe. Kicked a shoe, thank you. I mean, she could have been trying to get the shoe off her foot. Yeah. Remember that girl? Remember that girl said that I slapped her phone

out of her hand? Yeah. Do you remember? Oh my God, are we going? And it was literally, it was on video that I didn't slap her. Like, imagine thinking

I would slap someone's phone out of their hand. I was thinking of the worst thing I've done. The worst thing I've done so far is this. I get asked. So far.

I get asked sometimes to wish people a happy birthday. Do you know, do you get asked to wish people a happy birthday do you know do you get asked to wish people a happy birthday on their messages and I used to say yes

I don't know how you get through all the messages I don't get through them all I used to say yes and then I just hated doing them so much I find them so stressful

and I hated doing them and so the worst thing I did was this girl asked me to do it for a friend and I said yes and then I never did it and she kept

riding underneath my thing please read my DMs and the more she did it the less I was like oh god I just can't handle stressful pieces I just don't want to do it for a friend and I said yes and then I never did it and she kept riding underneath my thing please read my DMs and the more she did it the less I was like oh god I just can't handle stress please I just don't want to do this so now I just say no

straight out I just go I don't do it anymore like I'm not on Cameo I don't do that kind of thing but one of the last times I did do it this guy messaged me and he's like

oh my wife's a huge fan always a flag why? it's just it's always nothing ever good happens when something starts with I'm a huge fan because they're not why it's just it's always nothing ever good happens when something starts with I'm a huge fan because then it's it they're not and it's usually some something but bullshitty that

they want for me to do and they're trying to guilt you into doing it she's like so my wife's a huge fan and I got her Christmas tickets for Vicar Street for Christmas but your tickets won't be here on time do you mind making her a video just to say that they'll be here like that they're on their way so I was like okay so put the makeup on you know made the video for her for Christmas and then I actually bumped into them in Kilkenny at the Cat Laughs and he came over to me and he's like hey it's me whatever his name was Eric I was the guy who made the video for his wife and I was like oh yeah and he's like she's over there and she was over there with the skull on her face so he brought her over

and I was like, oh, hi. And she's like, hi. And she didn't say anything. And so I said, oh, I made that video. Because I was like, what am I doing?

She goes, yeah, I was really hoping for Michael Bublé tickets, to be honest. What? Yeah. Actually felt quite sorry for her because I'd be like,

it'd be like if I asked for Kanye West tickets and I got Bewitched tickets. Or if I asked for a bottle of Gucci and got a dick straw. I haven't gotten really trawled badly. One person started trawling me.

This woman, who like, well, you see, she's this really like normal looking. She's usually a woman, I hate to say. She's this really normal

looking woman's face and she looked, she was really smiley and I called her Kel's Law Jane because I was like, she looks like she's just about to, that she's just ripped on me

and then put her phone down to make ham and Kel's she looks like she's just about to that she's just ripped on me and then put her phone down to make ham and Kelislaw sandwiches for her kids to take to the GIA. So that's how I knew it was a fake account because then

she changed her name to Kelislaw Jane after I'd blocked her. So I was like obviously whoever is actually Kelislaw Jane is watching my stuff. Weirdo.

It was just this it's some incel from Sligo like some 25 year old virgin who's living in his mother's wardrobe I have a spoofer

of the week this week okay because we're talking about people online past being a troll all that kind of business my spoofer of the week

is going to be Ellen DeGeneres spoofer of the week is going to be Ellen DeGeneres. 2018, the New York Times profiled Ellen as she had talks over the renewing of her talk show contract. She was not always nice to her workers. I read a story that like there was this woman who worked for her like an assistant and Ellen, like I called her at like 11 o'clock at night and was like, what have you done with this candle?

She would go around the house like looking for things. And if the candle had not got a lot of burn time left, she would freak out at the assistant because I hadn't changed the candle. Also, cleaners came out that used to work for her and said that she would hide things like under like a sofa or under a curtain and then go and get them and be like, why is that there? And she would have just planted it. Dakota Johnson, did you see that thing with her? She had an encounter with her

and Ellen said, why didn't you invite me to your birthday? And she's like, no, I did. You just didn't respond. So she tried to call her out. A number of ex-employees have also accused the host of being mean, said they were told not to look at her in a 2013 being mean. Said they were told not to look at her

in a 2013 interview. Also they were told not to talk to her unless they had a chewing gum in their mouth or a mint. I know. She's held to a different standard because she's a woman. Anyway, I'm having Ellen as a spoofer. Yeah, that's totally fair enough and you're totally right to have her as a spoofer. Personally, I thought

the most problematic part of Ellen DeGeneres was the dancing on the show. Which I thought that was more problematic than not looking anyone in the eye or the chewing gum. I wouldn't in my wildest dreams dance on a fucking midday chat show.

I'd be like, Ellen, you have to give me six smearing off eyes and a yolk. And a yolk. Remember when we did Family Fortunes and we had to dance?

Oh, was it not the worst? I remember Gina dancing. Gina's such a good dancer. It was so embarrassing. You had to stand there on your own and dance. And you can't say, no, I'm not dancing. Because you just look like you're such a stick in the mud. And it's like, I do not.

That's a real English thing I just said, isn't it? A stick in the mud. You can't say no. Because everyone's dancing. And the waving and everything. It's the cheesiest thing. And I get really weird around cheese. I don't like it. I'm not cheesy. and everything it's the cheesiest thing and i get really weird around cheese i don't like it i'm not cheesy no it's really embarrassing but you remember that

girl she was like she just kept coming up with the worst answers it was the cousin from the other side and it was like what do you flip in a pan and she's like sausages it's like no it's not sausages like a pancake would that not be the first thing you would think about flipping in a pan? We kicked their ass, but like, we were completely cheating. Excuse me. They were cheating.

They were cheating. At one time, at one stage, the floor manager came out and was like, stop talking. There's actual money at stake here. Excuse me. Everybody, everyone talks to themselves in that show.

I know, I know, I know. So we weren't the only ones cheating. It was everybody else in the whole show and we deserved to win. And we did. What's the worst? Do you think that you,

as a famous, because you're a property famous. See, you don't like if people say anything like that to you and I don't like if people, it's so embarrassing. I know. I did a podcast with that.

It's like, so how is fame? And I'm like, no, please, please don't say it like that. Our lives are completely normal the only difference is that sometimes

you annoyingly get papped which is not always annoying I'll be honest if you're ready for it but like there was one pap there a while ago that jumped out in front of the theatre

and I thought you know what that's too much don't be frightening the kid but what were you going to say before you said that awful line and you fly a helicopter into Harrods

that's the difference yeah I just fly a heli into Harrods. I mean, I live in Battersea. There's a helipad there. Bogey, get the heli. Do you know that Mariah Carey has it in her contract that she just will never use stairs?

Don't blame her. She has really high shoes. One of the things that we wanted to talk about was wrong messages being sent. It happened actually the other day as well.

Do you know when someone replies to your Insta story and they don't realise that it's going someone will send it to you someone will send them your Insta story and they'll reply

and they don't realise they're actually replying to me. Yeah. Thank God nothing bad has come back. Not that I would care, I'd just be embarrassed for them. Do you know what I mean?

But, although if it was saying something bad, they probably wouldn't care. Someone did it again the other day and I was like, hey, it's Joanne. And she was like, ah!

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, when you reply, you reply to me. And it got us thinking about messages that people have received or sent

that shouldn't have been received or sent. Like I was CC'd on an email from a production company to a TV channel over here, where they said, Joanna's a lovely working class Irish authenticity. Which I think is a compliment.

I don't think it's either a compliment or not a compliment. It was just the assumption that I'm working class, which I thought they were being racist. I actually thought they were assuming that I'd kind of fallen out of a hedge school or something.

Because it was Irish that I was working class. I actually thought they were assuming that I'd kind of fallen out of a hedge school or something. Because it was Irish that I was working class. I think everyone thinks the Irish are working class. So there's no, people don't think there's a class. Well, there's not really a huge class system in Ireland,

but there kind of is, but not really. I said to him, why do you think I'm working class? What did they say? And I was like, it's because you just assume in Ireland we're all peasants.

Like fucking driving a wheelbarrow around grass roads. He's like, no, it's not because of how you sound, to be honest. It's because of what you say. That's fair enough. I got a few of these back too from your call out, which are quite funny. Okay. Oh God, going out with my friends, Laura and Michelle,

not their names, one night. Laura has a sister tag along who is a right pain in the hole. Ride person Michelle sends me a text. If Laura brings that pain of a sister along with her, I don't think I'll be able

to stick it for long. She sent it to Laura, not me. And I couldn't figure out why Laura came to the pub late. Face like thunder without the sister. I know,

it's so embarrassing. So, like you die of embarrassment. Another one. Wasn't me but a friend. After going for a whack, she texted her husband saying, I decided not to do my vagina.

But instead of her husband, she sent it to the neighbor they never spoke of it it's the never speaking of it that i would hate so much it'd be so embarrassing i know my cousin sent a picture of her sister's mucus plug oh to her work group chat and instead of hitting delete for all she hit delete for me and then it was just out there and she could never take it back. No. I know. That's so disgusting. My bitch of a boss was being mean

about my co-worker receiving roses from her partner at work. I sent a direct message to my co-worker saying there's no need for her to be shitting all over your nice surprise. Turns out I accidentally sent it directly to my boss. I had to take her into a room and apologize to her.

Her response was, I wasn't shitting all over her surprise. And if he felt that way, he should have told me. I responded with, well, I did. I sent you the message. That's jealousy. Oh, yeah. He said he owns a pizza restaurant in Dublin and a woman male that he knew saying,

oh, can I book a table for seven? And then she wrote back saying, oh, sorry, can can I book a tale for seven and then she wrote back saying oh sorry can I actually book a tale for half eight and he screen grabbed it and he meant to send it to a mate of his

but sent it back to her saying will you make up your fucking mind wonder if he got the table I was messaging a guy on Tinder and my friend was hounding me for a pic of him

so I fell down into the archives of his insta circa 2017 found a pic of him with his mates fell down into the archives of his Insta circa 2017, found a pic of him with his mates at the races, zoomed in, screenshot it

and sent it to him. No! Dad. There's nothing worse than when you like someone's picture from way down during a deep dive stock

on a filthy hangover day. There was one girl who was saying to me that she went on her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's Facebook account and was having a sneaky look through,

like we all do, and that they were kind of still in contact a bit and this girl accidentally liked one of her photos and then the next day the girl messaged, the ex-girlfriend messaged the boyfriend saying, can you tell your girlfriend to stay off my fucking Facebook page? That is so, it's such a bitchy thing to do.

Like she doesn't stalk everyone. I know. We all stalk. I stalk exes I don't even care about. I know, we all have a little goo every now and again. Ah, you have to. My sister, we'll call her Jane,

is the absolute worst for sending messages to the wrong people. In fact, she's done it so often that we would never even refer to it as doing a Jane. This is my all-time favourite faux pas of hers.

She's in her 50s and got divorced about five years ago. A couple of years ago, she met someone online and they began chatting regularly and over time she got quite courageous and adventurous. So she decided to step things up a bit and send her new friend a sexy voice message. The message went something along these lines. I love chatting with

you. I love what we have. I love what we did that night. I love the excitement. I can't wait to do it again. After recording it, she wanted to send it to herself first to listen to it after sending it to her man. She typed in J-A to search for her own name, but instead hit our 76-year-old auntie's surname,

James, and sent the voice record. Messenger had not introduced the option to delete a message. Oh, no. No. It's not the last time she has done this. I know.

There was a lot of, like, sexy messages to elderly relatives. I got a lot of them. I die. I got a lot of them. I die. I know. We were talking about gifts last week and what you get

someone as a gift and people are always really weird about buying me a gift. They're like, oh, I don't know what you'd want. Am I a friend or not?

I don't know if I've probably already mentioned this. So I sent her something in the post. I gave her one of my track suits. And she sent me back a Chanel lip balm. First of all, I opened it and I was like,

oh my God, Chanel started gifting me. So I was absolutely thrilled. And I texted my manager and she was like, no, it's definitely not from them. They didn't ask for your address. And I was like, where does this lip balm come from? Orna had bought me a lip balm. And I just think it's nice to buy someone a gift.

That's so nice. We were out for lunch with my friends James and Brian and Joanne how do you not know where I'm going with this Joanne bought them a gift

for going to their wedding and they were so unappreciative of the gift they gave it to their builders so no what happened was when I came over to London

I stayed with them for a I think I stayed in their gaffer for about two weeks or something I can't remember and then as a parting present I bought them

a print of Frida Kahlo which was so stupid on my part I've actually told this story before they have a full room of marble they don't want

a Frida Kahlo just get them a candle they wipe their ass with Picasso's like do you know what I mean literally their towels the story before. They have a full room of marble. They don't want to Frida Kahlo. Just get them a candle. They wipe their ass with Picassos. Like, do you know what I mean? Literally, their towels are like labradoodles. Like, they're fucking loaded.

They have that Sheridale that your flatmate uses. They have that all over the house. Yeah. So me getting them a Frida Kahlo print was a ludicrous move

on my part. Anyway, then they moved into this amazing apartment. Yeah, and I went over and i was i knew i kind of knew that i don't know something i was like where's frida and then brian brian's their interior designers yeah this cost me 40 quid at a box park in shoreditch i think it was 60. 60 because it had a friend that's not cheap it was framed actually, actually. It was framed. And Brian was like, it's in the office.

Brian's the nice one. Brian's the nice one, yeah. And anyway, they got drunk that day when we went to Asia and admitted that they'd given it to their builder. I was like, so,

there's no point. I've said it before, having like two or three rich friends and like, they could be great to be around, but they're very hard to buy for. I would find James

and Brian hard to buy for but I wouldn't be buying them a print come on. That was a rookie. I know it was stupid. Get them a candle or get them another bottle of soap. That's fucking expensive. I know. That soap's like 40 quid. I know. It was a really stupid move on my part. So now everything Frida Kahlo related

we send each other photos of it and then I was going to get them when I went to when I met them the last time I was going to get them remember we went

to their office for lunch and I was like I'm going to get them another Frida Kahlo print a spite print that's a joke that's all for this week

remember if you'd like to send us an email you're more than welcome to just send it to hello at mtgmpod. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. And thank you for listening. And if you like it, why not subscribe?