My Therapist Ghosted Me - BONUS EPISODE: Top of The Topics

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

**NEW CONTENT** Before you think you've heard all of this before - have a listen to hear Vogue & Joanne on the intro - with Vogue on holiday in Spain and Joanne from her flat in Edinburgh at the festival!It's not long to wait before your favourite pair are back for brand new episodes, but for now, you can hear a few more of the biggest laughs from Season 1 - with the best bits from "The Topics"! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Joanne, I miss our weekly pods. I miss chatting to you. Yeah, I do. I actually miss it too. I do. I miss it. I miss coming into town, weighing up my Pret-a-Manger, almost in Chipotle wraps and talking shit. I miss my... Yeah, know what? Pret-a-Manger. and talking shit. I miss my, yeah, no, when they gave me

a freebie, right, they only gave me a free card but only for like drinks. It's like, hey, I don't want your drinks.

I want your goddamn porridge. Of course. Stick your card up your bum. Of course. Thanks, but no thanks. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm so hungry right now.

I'm eating, I'm eating a dried apricot. Who does that? Can we take a second? Can we just discuss how bad... Spenny on the horse? OMG. That must kill him that he's shit at that.

I'd say it could. I actually thought the video was glitching. I couldn't understand why he was jumping around so much. Go on. I thought it was the Wi-Fi. This is the thing about Spen, right? You know the way he thinks he's so good at everything. He honestly thought he was like, I don't know, some sportsman upon that horse. And when I showed

him the video, he couldn't believe his eyes that he was that bad. I was so thrilled. Did you see my, did you see my limo bike? I saw your limo bike And I saw your plastic bag And I thought of you today Because guess what? I had my clothes In a plastic bag today And I thought

I'm like Joanne But I had a nice Smelling plastic bag Because the plastic bags Over here in Spain Smell like lavender They do Huh?

Yeah There's a scented Plastic bag over here That's very fancy Like lavender Well I had to get to a studio in record time I've never felt more show business they tell me I was getting a limo bike and I genuinely thought it was going to be like a lad in a tuxedo or that there'd be a little

dickie bow on the bike or that they'd be that would be really long or that there would be something limo-ish, like something that suggests a limo about it. Like there'd be a cigar in the back. I don't know, something. I arrived, it's just a fucking mountain. I was couriered basically

like food, like a delivery driver. You were couriered? I was couriered, yeah. Like a plastic Sainsbury's bag. It sounds so sexy. I thought I'd be arriving in like leathers

and hair flowing out from underneath helmet and it was I was dressed in a man's raincoat I did see that it was literally swimming on you and imagine all those stinkers that have been in it before you and this huge big helmet with a big spongy mic so that like I could talk to the driver to tell him all my fears anyway the whole thing was the unsexiest thing I've ever seen. I actually even questioned posting the photo

because I was like, am I cock-blocking myself with this image? But I think I'm pretty... Every time I open my mouth, I'm cock-blocking myself. Anyways, it doesn't really matter. Anyway, Joe,

start trying to secretly get us to do a podcast, Joe. Yeah, Joe. Joe, get lost. Do you want... This was just... We're only supposed to be doing an intro thing here. Sorry, it's the point of this. So we're was just We're only supposed To be doing an intro Thing here

Sorry it's the point Of this So we're releasing We're back on the We're back the first Week of September But in the meantime We're gonna put out

Well we're not gonna Do anything Obviously Joe's gonna Put out a best of podcast This is the intro To it now But what I will say is And I do remove

My set When Joe says best With Joe's Joe's taste in comedy and jokes and material is questionable at the best of times. So I have no quality control over what he's about to put out. That's what I'll say.

So he's telling me to say best of, but I know it could be shit. Joanne, stop being such a spicy little bitch. No, this is the second one, Joanne. I hope you enjoy the first. Joe is going to make an amazing best of podcast because he misses us so much that he's been listening to the whole one, Joanne. I hope you enjoy the first. Jo is going to make an amazing best of podcast because he misses us so much that he's been listening to the whole series all over again

so he could bring joy and happiness to the people that like our podcast. Yeah, Jo says this is the best of the topics we've discussed, which, I mean, God knows what that is. I mean, they're all good, Jo, but thank you for putting in your top, however many are in there. Oh, FYI all good, Jo, but thank you for putting in your top, however many are in there. Oh, FYI, there's still, there's limited tickets left for my Palladium show, which is May 20th.

If you fancy going, you need to get the tickets from Ticketmaster, I'm told. Enjoy! Okay, Joanne, sorry. We've already rambled on and Jo has only five minutes per topic. It's all written down in black and white. That's it. Right.

So we were going to talk about, I was going to talk about being judged by our fitness watches, but I think I want to talk about goodie bags. You gave me a goodie bag once full of half-empty cosmetics for my birthday. Excuse me, Joanne. I give you free cosmetics. I have bags of that stuff. That's it. You're banned. There's no more freebies for you. She's like, Joanne, give you free cosmetics I have bags of that stuff

I'm kidding that's it your brand there's no more freebies for you she's like Joanne here's a sandwich bag full of shit that I don't want happy birthday love

it's good shit I just can't use it all oh my god you fucking bitch I still use the facial oil excuse me I got you a tie dye track suit

for your birthday you have one as well we should wear them I think we should do a shoot and wear the same clothes. Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. Well, we wear

a jump suit. I know, kids. A boiler suit. Joanne told me the other day we love wearing jump suits and she told me the other day that we were too old for them and I've only just got like

seven sitting in my wardrobe. I feel for me that a female comic in a jump suit is just a bit hack. That's not the way you said it. You said we were too old

for jumpsuits. Yeah. And you borrowed an orange jumpsuit. And then I wore it anyway. Yeah. Oh, sorry. So go on.

Goodie bags? Oh, yeah. So goodie bags. The Grammys, right? Would you like a goodie bag from the Grammys? Yeah. I'd say they've got

like a house in them and stuff. That's what I thought. Five grand's worth of stuff. Five thousand dollars. Is that all? I'm actually surprised. I know. Once Upon a Bloom's Changemaker Village children's book. That's one000. Is that all? I'm actually surprised. I know. Once Upon a Bloom's

Changemaker Village children's book. That's one thing. Pumpkin and peanut butter handmade dog cookies. Oh, shit. A luxury tea essentials from Cup of Tay.

3D printed sustainable trainers. A ceramic usable cup. A jar of toasted coconut roasted cashews what? I know they're fancy though where would you ever buy them?

where would you find them? you'd get cashews in Tesco there's crisps yeah but they're not coconut toasted cashews I'd be bitterly disappointed if I got that goodie bag I wouldn't even take it home

I'd have a root snoop and I'd leave it under my seat I'd take the cashews the original goodie bags were party bags. Do you remember what your party is, kids? Oh, well, yeah, you have to do that. I did a party bag for tea.

Yeah, little Rice Krispie buns and stuff, which actually sounds like more crack than that bag of shit. That bag of absolute crap. I'd give you one for my sixth birthday. That'd be grand. It's always... Actually, do you know we get a really good goodie bag for the Ivy Gardens Comedy Festival

because it's sponsored by Vodafone. They give us loads of like cool tech stuff and speakers and all. Stuff. Yeah. On a phone? And a journal. All the acts get like

this cool journal with your name kind of like melted into it. What do they do with names? What's the shittest thing you've gotten? Embossed. Not the shittest. Because it's not nice to say shit about a gift.

What's the weirdest thing You've gotten I don't really get Like presents I'm not really a present giver I like giving flowers I don't know Fuck that I hate when people

Give me flowers What? I've given you flowers I know Yeah I just don't I give you flowers Or you give me A sandwich bag

Full of half eaten cosmetics And we're like I love it Mwah Thanks babes We leave cosmetics. We're like, I love it. Thanks, babe. We leave the house with our fur. Fuck.

Do you know when I went off flowers? I went off flowers when I had Theodore because so many people sent flowers. It's just so much hassle. I then have to arrange them in a vase. Then you have to change the water like a fish. Then I have to clear them out and they go everywhere when I go and put them in the bin. And have to change the water like a fish then I have to clear them out and they go everywhere when I

go and put them in the bin and they are going to die and I'm waiting for them to die and I feel like I'm just like

I'll just die already because they just sit there withering away and then I have to clear them up what would be

your ideal present? a restaurant feature I like a nice lip balm I'm so behind on wedding presents. Who do you owe a wedding present to?

I think the year is like, the real is you get a year. I'll always know if I haven't got a wedding present because I get a thank you card saying thank you for your presents, but like physical presents. And I go, oh fuck. I didn't send, yeah, I don't send thank you cards. I really want to get into that. It's kind of like a mature adult.

I'm surprised you don't. It seems very up your alley. No, no, I don't send thank you cards. I really want to get into that. It's kind of like a mature adult. I'm surprised you don't. I know, it's too much. It seems very up your alley. No, no. I did buy myself an address book and I've written addresses down in it, but I have not done anything with those addresses yet. Yet.

I'm not writing Christmas cards. I'm not getting into that. I don't want to. Because it's bad for the environment? Yeah, that's why. I don't want to do it. I write thank you notes. Spenny's parents love...

Like, okay, so Christmas, Spenny's mom gives us all a present and we give her a present. I don't want to do it I write thank you notes Benny's parents love like okay so Christmas Benny's mom gives us all a present and we give her a present and then literally on the 26th of December like my little brother

was with us everything like that she's written everyone a thank you note and a long note talking about the gift and why she likes it she's just

she's so on it with that and they love getting a thank you note as well but like I just send an email now. Okay let's get into the topics.

Fuck you that was a topic. My topic right and I wanted to do this last week but we're just so filled with other Flamingo stories and things like that. By the way Fl flamingo update she's getting the flamingo she's signed all the papers the flamingos on the way I'm not buying the flamingo but I'm going to show you a picture of it when it's finished I think there was a woman sending me she was saying that after last

week's pod she went down a taxidermy hell on Etsy which is how I ended up remember I said so you can buy these little like stuffed mice and tutus and stuff for 80 pounds I don't want a stuffed mouse no one does now rank I told you on Etsy

I've I'm getting my cellmate sketched by a psychic on Etsy I tried to get you on to get me one too but she said it doesn't work folks like oh yeah great

get me one will you 16 quid buy me one of those I was like you can't just buy your cellmate. Like, the psychic has to sit with you and read your vibes. Yeah?

I can't because she's not just, like, guess. What if it doesn't look like Spencer? That's why I want to get it done. Yeah, he's gone. He's gone in the bin. No way. He's out the door.

I'd say they draw, like, three types of men. So I'd say there's women all over the place going around looking for the same lad. Like that, oh my God, did you ever watch that show Soulmates? And it's like this thing,

computer generated thing that you can find your soulmate, like your true soulmate. I don't, would you do that right? Because I'm so happy with Spen now. Would I go and like do the test of, yeah, I would because I'm so nosy. Oh, are you talking about the show on Netflix?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Yeah, but if you were like me, married and stuff, would you do it? I think I would. Yes, because I don't know what you're missing out on. I don't want to miss out on Netflix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Yeah, but if you were like me, married and stuff, would you do it? I think I would. Yes.

I don't know what you're missing out on. I don't want to miss out on something. What if Spenny isn't the one? And you love getting married. I love getting married. I was only thinking the other day, when I'm, I can't do it again.

It's almost time to do it again. I think I'm going to do, I think so too. I think so too. It's time. I've told you this. Yes. Three more years of him.

Time's up. It's time to get married again you love it it's your hobby you're like me in the booze mine's drinking yours is getting married and you love coming

to my weddings I love going to your weddings okay actually you know what I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it that's it okay sorry

my topic right PDAs Courtney Kardashian is with her new fella Travis Barker yeah who I love I love their PDAs Courtney Kardashian is with her new fellow Travis Barker yeah their PDAs gross

I did not fall to you no he's not your type he's not your type he's not my type I went out with somebody who was skinnier than me and it didn't it just didn't feel right

that was remember your man I had one of those sexual the last sexual encounter I had which I still have PTSD over was very thin as well.

And yeah, it didn't, again like that, it didn't sit well. It was like getting shagged by this little twig. You're just like, what are you doing up there?

No, not skinny. It makes you feel bad about yourself. Yeah, you want a bit of throw down. I want, yeah. Like,

I mean, because Spencer's like the same height as me, it's not ideal. No, it's not ideal. Not ideal, because it makes me just feel like big.

He's hung like a horse though. He's hung like a horse, though. He is hung like a horse. Yeah, fair enough. We'll give him that. I really hope my mom doesn't listen to this podcast, especially last week after you talking

about pawing yourself. Oh, yeah. Well, I couldn't post that video and all I was thinking is, please don't let my, does my mom follow you? No. Are you sure?

Check. Because she'll have seen that pawing yourself thing and what's she going to say to me? Oh, Vogue, well, I heard you were pawned yourself. Well, can you imagine how my poor mother feels

six years of this? She's like... Let's see if she follows you. She's desperate for me to not... She hates the words that come out of my mouth. If she doesn't follow you, that's a bit rude.

No, she doesn't. Thank God. I'd say she doesn't want to. I wouldn't say... I'd say she should very much avoid it. I'm terrified she's listening to this podcast. I actually think it's ironic

that you have a problem with public displays of affection considering when I go to your house, I'm trying to talk to you. Spencer's literally dry riding your leg and I'm trying to have a conversation with you. Spencer does that. I don't want to.

He didn't, like, his parents were over and like, do you know what he said? Do you know what he says to his mom the other day? Oh, mom, Vogue won't stop pestering me for sex. And I'm like, stop. It's not even true. And he says it to his mom all the time. Oh, we've been trying for a new baby all the time. Like just trying to wind us both up. He's so annoying. And then he does it at the table. I don't like it. I think it's rude. And Kourtney Kardashian and him, it's weird where she was practically giving his finger a blowy. Come on.

I know. You've got three kids that are online seeing you doing that shit. Like, no. It grosses me out. I don't want to. And then she was up like straddling him and he's like pulling her arse cheeks apart.

Like, first of all, it looks very uncomfortable. And second of all, come on. I know. Her arse is huge. You should probably just check if there's anything in there.

She's a great arse. We need to actually, Joanne and I have decided we're working towards a bigger summer arse. We need to get that booked in and I have decided we're working towards a bigger summer arse. We need to get that booked in. Yeah, we need to get the arse booked in.

But what I was going to say was that I also hope my mother's not listening to this because it reminded me when I was thinking about Spenny and dry riding you like a little dog

on your leg, it reminded me one of my ex-boyfriends, we had a ride in my mum's kitchen when my dog was there, right? My mum wasn't there, Grant, right? Oh, come on, you've never had a ride in my mum's kitchen when my dog my dog was there right my mum wasn't there grant right oh come on wow you've never had a ride in the kitchen it's called chemistry joe okay so anyway we're having a little ride in the kitchen and i'm bent over because oh jesus so i'm like

this right and he's behind me riding me from behind Grant and we know how that works yeah he stops and he's like here look down so I look down no my dog is riding his leg okay

now not only that right she's like so she's holding on to his leg like this okay and I and not only that right she only stops

when I look down at her and get eye contact with her she sees me looking at her and then she just slips off his leg like this so she knew what she was doing was wrong

I was like get the fuck off my boyfriend right you can't trust that bitch that happened right then because she's so

because then any time anyone touched each other in the house she'd go up and start riding their leg we basically traumatised her so much

so I'd come into the house and hug my mum and we'd look down and Roxy's there dry humping my mum. She's like, get away Roxy, stop it, stop it. What's wrong with her? Get away, get away.

And then she'd go into the bed and pour herself. Yeah. Full-blown traumatised the dog. Oh my God. And that's what Spencer reminds me of. Roxy. Pour.

He's very similar. He's just always having a little ride. He's always, yeah. Trying to get the business done and feed's very similar he's just always having a little ride he's always trying to get the business done and feed the kids and he's just like he comes over at the worst

bloody times as well I'm trying to put milk in her bottle like I'm literally doing that with that machine like doing the scoops and he's coming over

and he's like he gets in everyone's he's a space invader he's an absolute space invader makes people feel very uncomfortable yeah and with my nervous disposition,

I'm on edge the whole time. I've been told I have a nervous disposition as well. I don't consider you someone with a nervous disposition. Oh, I'm very jumpy. Well, I mean, you're not as bad. Like, I ordered Deliveroo the other day, right? So the man came to the door with my full consent, okay? The doorbell rang

I was what what now bearing in mind you get a notification going the driver is nearby I can hear the moped

pulling up right I'm like Pablo's dog no I'm not Pablo's dog what's the Pavlov's Pavlov's dog who the fuck is Pavlos

Pavlova dog basically this guy, he used to ring a bell and feed the dogs and then he realised that he would just ring the bell, they'd salivate because they were used to...

So I start salivating when I hear the moped come up because I know it's delivery, right? So any time, 24-7 time, it doesn't matter where I am, I hear the moped, I'm like...

I think I'm going to get a fucking chicken stir fry. Right? So anyway, he pulls up, I hear the moped, he rings the bell, I go out, I open the moped. He rings the bell. Ah!

I go out. I open the door and I go, ah! Like that. And I jumped back and fell back into the hallway. Oh, jeez, John.

Now, that's a nervous disposition. That's why Maria... Do you know what? It's the alcohol within your soul. It's not. I warned you. No, we were meant to be having a break. It's not because Maria,

my postnatal physiotherapist... You just steal all my people for your own and you're not having Rona and you're not having Becky. Right? Maria, my postnatal physiotherapist, says I have an overactive nervous system. So, there you go.

She's really taken that on wrong with her, hasn't she? I have an overactive nervous system. It's a thing. Because when she tries to electrocute my vagina back. Ah, that gives you a fright. Oh, you wouldn't be able for the tampons then. You would not be able for the vibrating tampon. I meant to tell you.

So I didn't realise by telling that Fanny Shop, Fanny Buzz story on that show that I've now become the face of pelvic floor exercising. I didn't cop. So I'm getting tagged in all these posts going, so great to see women raising awareness about of pelvic floor exercising I didn't cop so I'm getting tagged in all these posts going so great to see women raising awareness like the pelvic floor

like so I have no pelvic floor basically my vagina's like I have an infinity pussy basically an infinity vagina but I didn't realise

oh I hate that word I know I don't like pussy either cat flap no there's so many awful words for it I know but anyway

I'm being sent all these kegels and everything now I'm being I know but anyway I'm being sent all these kegels and everything now I'm being I didn't realise I'm now like the face of a shit of basically women

who have a shit pelvic floor with no kids and then this guy messaged me and he goes for a single woman you shouldn't be slagging your vagina

or something like that you shouldn't be letting us know it's broken and I was like oh god I never even thought of that yeah that's how

hasn't seen any of the fanny stuff but it's not broken. It's just, I didn't even... You're not very complimentary about your Fanny. Listen. You brought her up. You brought the cat flat.

If she's broken, I'll just put an optic in there. You know, when you can squirt vodka out of yourself. Oh, Jesus. No. Next topic. Well, it kind of came from two places because we had that call about the bucket list, but that wasn't where it came from. Spny and i were watching this program with uh no a movie

with jack nicholson and what's his name morgan freeman called what's it called joanne the bucket list the bucket list and i thought what would joanne joanne would have a very different bucket list to me i'd say and i was trying to think of what my bucket list would be and actually I don't have that many things I'd like to do before I die because I don't want to die yeah number one on the bucket list is don't die yeah let's start with that I just don't know if I will die it just doesn't seem like something I would do I've no follow-through I don't think I will either but I did think to myself right if we ever die one of my things that I'm scared of I don't want to be buried because I feel like I'll be in the ground cold on my own then I don't want to get cremated too hot so we could buy a house down the country do you ever see those houses online in

Ireland like you can get a house for quite cheap down the country we could set it up whoever dies first pop them in the sitting room down the house and then when I die because you're going to die first so when I die then I'll go down and they put me in the sitting room down the house and then when I die because you're going to die first so when I die then I'll go down and they put me in the sitting room beside you and neither of us

ever get buried we just get to live in this house and rot away together I think that's a really nice idea tell me your bucket list yeah tell me your bucket list what would Vogue

like to do don't laugh at me before she dies I'd like to visit the Galapagos Islands what are they what are they the Galapagos Islands what are they what are they the Galapagos Islands

are they the thing with all the turtles they're the most incredible islands you have to watch the whole David Attenborough thing he did in the Galapagos Islands

and I just think they look like the most untouched reserved amazing looking island but then when I think about it like I don't really

want to go snorkeling or anything I don't like being surrounded by fish they're unpredictable and I don't like them. I think you should just go to SeaWorld in Bray. They've loads of turtles there. Go to SeaWorld, buy Irish, etc.

What's next on the list? Support Ireland. Support the Irish turtles. A trip around the world, but I don't want to go everywhere. There's only a few places. You don't want to do a trip around the world. Well, I do, but I don't want to go to all crop places. Well, it. You don't want to do a trip around the world. Well, I do,

but I don't want to go to all crap places. Well, it depends when you're going to die, I guess. I want to go, well, you want to see the pyramids. I want to go and see the Great Wall of China.

The Seven Wonders of the World would be quite nice. I'd like to go see the Taj Mahal, but like it's very busy. Yeah, what else? Well, I kind of felt like,

do you know what? There's not that much I really want. I want to own a Sphinx cat. Spencer won't let me have one. I am with Spencer on that one. Those cats look like they're about to be put in the oven

and I guarantee you'd grow so tired of having no hair, you'd have it stuffed with extensions within a week. I know, I'd love one. But you do have to wash them, give them a bath every week.

They look like a scrotum. They look like an actual ball sack with eyes. Like, I am horrified by them. Okay, well I'm getting one. I thought that I would want to go swimming with dolphins but again, scared of fish.

But I don't know if a dolphin would feel like a fish or feel like a big human with silky skin. Spencer not had a lot of hair, laser hair removal. We'd not just put him in the bath and get him to blow

water out his ass. He's got dolphin skin. Just get him to blow a little water out his bumhole. Disgusting. I want to drive an F1 car. Yeah, that's a great, I'd love that, yeah. And I want to go on a date

with Leonardo DiCaprio or Bradley Cooper. Well, I can tell you this much, Vogue, you are way too old for Leo. Actually, no, Leo would probably love to date you if you were dying because it means he would never

have to see you again and that you'd never age. That's true. Yeah, that's true. That's what he'd be into. Go, what are yours then? Okay, here's my bucket list. And actually,

I'm glad we're doing this today because I forgot to wear mascara so I actually look like I've three days to live because without mascara I it's absolutely horrific how did you forget

to put mascara on though I just look without mascara without painting your lashes you just look like you should be like you're on your you look like you're walking yourself

to the crematorium you look like you're about you do you look like you should be just strapped into a gurney and buried alive. It's disgusting. Nah, nah, you don't.

Here's what I would like for my bucket list. A free tit job, a free Dyson Hoover, a smeg fridge with sparkly water tap, free laser... The sparkly water tap is from Cooker. It's a different contraption. Free laser eye surgery,

free Invisalign, and 50% off all sandwiches in Pret-a-Manger. That's my bucket list. I thought I'd use it as an opportunity to collab. So if I'm not, if I post a photo of me

not wearing mascara and Salsis has my bucket list, I expect all these brands to want to work with me immediately. I can't believe Dyson haven't contacted you yet. That's embarrassing.

Dyson, it's embarrassing. I've done nothing but beg. Like, you're trying to make me beg for a hoover. Like, don't do this to me. Dyson, how many times does she have to ask you? Jesus.

Look at me. I'm dying. I'll tell you what. I'm dying. I don't know how long I have left to live. That's true. That's not even a lie.

I don't know how long I have left to live, Dyson. Do you want that on your conscience? Huh? Huh? Is that what you want to be hoovering up my ashes?

No. You want me to have it in real life. Dyson don't seem interested. Do you know what? Actually, I'll pay for the tit job because I don't have to do

before and afters on my tits. And you don't want to get a freebie tit job. You don't know what he'll stuff in there. Well, you wouldn't be like getting an Aldi tit job. You don't know what he'll stuff in there. Well, you wouldn't be like getting an algae tit job.

I've stopped wearing bras. They call it like, what would they call it? A titty job. T-I-T-T-T-E-E-E job. I'm like, sure, I'll go into algae and get a tit job in the central aisle. No bother. So that's what I'd like for my bucket list. And you can contact

Yvonne at lisarichards.ie or rick at offthecurb.co.uk so there was a story that I'll pretend that I found but actually

Vogue found it do you want to have us too busy on the piss all weekend I was busy I was busy grooming a child in a pub My favourite topic

of this week I have got to tell you is Bennifer they're back together well we don't know that now to be fair oh come on

they've gone on holidays with each other Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck and I saw somebody wrote on the each other Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck and I saw somebody wrote on the internet and it was like Ben Affleck gets back

with Jennifer Lopez and all of a sudden he's so cool and I can imagine his horrendous back tattoo has now shrunk and disappeared does he have a horrendous

back tattoo oh I'm going to show you his back tattoo you're going to fucking die do you know what right this is why I wish I believed in horoscopes

because I'd love to get a tramp stamp, but I don't care about anything enough to get it stamped on me. You're not having a tramp stamp either. You're not having one.

No, but he got back together. I'm saying he got back together. I don't give a shit what you say. I've seen the pictures. They went to Montana on holidays together. And do you know

what I love about it? That little Alex Rodriguez, what's his name? He has got his comeuppance. He's got his comeuppance. He's got his comeuppance. He messed around on JLo, Jenny from the block. And now she said,

you know what? Don't need you anymore. I'm going back to my ex. Hold on a second. There's so much going on there. Let's unpack that. Did Alex Rodriguez Rodriguez

cheat on JLo? Supposedly, he was having loads of flirty conversations with this girl from The Real Housewives or something that you probably would know because you love that show. So he was having loads of flirty conversations with this girl from The Real Housewives of something that you probably would know because you love that show. So he was having

all these flirty conversations. JLo found out, was like, they tried to make it work for like a week and everyone kind of knew they were broken up and then they broke up.

But like, what a dick. Men and those fucking DMs. Fucking, just don't be so stupid. When are men going to learn to keep their digital dick

in their pants? They just can't. When, when, when? No. Terrible. But she got her own back, I feel. Now she's going on holidays with Ben Affleck

and I'm there for it. Emotional affairs are the worst. My feeling on it is that I would imagine that they're actually just mates and the reason I say that is because I know Ben Affleck is on Raya

because we matched. Did you? No, we didn't. Oh, damn. I love that. Do you know what I mean? I don't think I would have Raya because we matched. Did you? No, we didn't. Oh, damn. I love that. Do you not think I would have opened with that? Yeah. Any news?

Do you not think me matching with Ben Affleck would have been more important than me throwing out a brain pleather chair? He's not your type. He's not my type. I would actually, do you know what, right? Especially after the back tattoo. I know Ben's fanning around on Raya.

I know that because there was some incident where this young one unmatched him and then he sent her an Instagram video being like hey why did you unmatch me it's me because he assumed

she didn't think it was him so going from that but we don't know the timeline of that that was before the JLo crap no but you know what we do know Vogue

what and I've always been very firm on this and my friend Alanya fights at me relentlessly about this but men like Ben do not go for women

in their 50s men like Ben are like the wine lickers lickers the wine lickers JLo is not a woman in her 50s

like JLo is JLo I'm telling you now you can't JLo is not sitting at home knitting with a cup of tea not saying that's what women in their 50s do JLo is I'm telling you now. You can't. JLo is not sitting at home knitting with a cup of tea. No. Not saying that's what women

in their 50s do. JLo is on stage. Have you seen the length of her ponytail? It's down past her arse. JLo is slightly different. I'm telling you now. It's subconscious.

It's caveman shit. Men smell fertility. They smell eggs. They are drawn to the smell of it. I don't know what it smells like. You better go out to the bars because you're menstruating in a few days

and people will smell it off you. I know. It smells like... Jo, what does it smell like? Ham or what are men into? Grabs. Golf. Sports.

Maybe it smells like sports, does it, Jo? I don't know. Maybe menstruate. I'd say it smells like raw chicken. That's a horrible... I was thinking more something like Jeremy Clarkson, like something men are quite drawn to. But okay, we'll go raw chicken. Jeremy Clarkson, like something men are quite drawn to, but okay we'll go raw chicken. Jeremy Clarkson?

I don't know. Whatever simple basic man, whatever shit they like smelling. I am attracted to the smell of Lynx Africa, which I assume is what, this is what's so annoying, my body has grown, but my nasal tastes have not. So I am technically attracted to the scent

of a 17 year old boy problem probably probably yeah so now i think come on do you know when a man's like oh put on that lingerie to a woman i'm like to a lad here oh my god my knickers are so disappointing honestly i want to be i want to be one of those girls. Where have we gone? You were talking about lingerie and it just made me feel about, my knickers are so disappointing. I have a whole drawer of fancy pants, basically. Never see them.

I just can't be bothered. Vogue, give them to me and I'll sell them. No, I thought you were going to say, I'll wear them. I was like, I don't think I want your, your cat flap in my knickers. Don't take my nickname for my vagina and pass it off as your own joke. I called it your cat flap in my knickers.

I couldn't fucking get into them. I told her at the time, she tried to give me her leather. She was like, she folk tricks me into thinking we're the same size. It sends me home with all these clothes and then I'm stuck with an afternoon of self-loathing

as I try to get my arse into them. Do you remember the part, I was like, Vogue, I actually sent her a picture of my arse like hanging out the back of these leather, leather,

leather. You didn't try hard enough. She was like, you're not trying hard enough. And I was like, bar slice it off with a machete. I really don't know how I'm going to get

my buttocks into these now you were worried about ripping them and you have to get past that point and just keep pulling you have to stop convincing me

we're the same size we are it's some sort of sick joke also where the hell is my necklace you're not wearing it today no because I didn't

want to wear it because the other day for my birthday I have to give you all your stuff back but Vogue has this gorgeous Christian Dior necklace that I actually haven't worn yet she hasn't worn it she lent have to give you all your stuff back but Vogue has this gorgeous Christian Dior necklace

that I actually haven't worn yet she hasn't worn it she lent it to me for a telly job and I haven't dropped it back but I was wearing it the night of my birthday

with her consent with my consent and you could just see Spencer was like happy birthday and he's like darling is that the Christian Dior

necklace I bought you and I was like yeah it is bitch bye bye honey he didn't even buy it for me I took Gigi and I left I'm like yeah it is bitch bye bye honey he didn't even buy it for me I took Gigi and I left I'm like I own everything now he didn't even

buy it for me it was one of those moments that I was like oh god I forgot my card will you get that for me and I'll I'll revoluted you I haven't revoluted I think he's turned into a gift I think he's copped I think he knows he's not getting it back he could just see his eye he's like happy birthday

it's just focused on the Christian Dior necklace I can't knows he's not getting it back he could just see it so he's like happy birthday it's just focused on the Christian Dior necklace I can't believe he noticed it yeah Spencer yeah darling is that the necklace

I bought you darling darling this peasant as well darling darling oh we haven't okay so how do we feel

about JLo and Ben Affleck basically I feel delighted Joanne doesn't know but I'm one of those people I used to always get back with exes yeah no I don't how many times did I get back

with Al yeah no no I know it was a lot I think it's a familiarity thing and I actually think all joking aside it's actually hard to meet someone that you really

like like yeah so then when you when something ends also that I think a lot of relationships are based on nostalgia and sentimentality

so you remember all the good stuff and then you kind of go back. A lot of the time you get digmatized because you know the drill and where to go and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We all go back. Like I think I've gotten back with pretty much all my exes at least once. And actually what you say about being friends, I would go on holidays. I'd go on holidays with Al.

This is what I'm saying. I would because we're friends. I'm telling you. I'm telling you they're just friends. I'm telling you. You heard it here first. I hope they're more. This is what I'm saying. I would because we're friends. I'm telling you. I'm telling you they're just friends. I'm telling you. You heard it here first. I hope they're more. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah. I would say that he's, I would say he's on holidays DMing 19-year-old lingerie models while she's tanning herself and squatting in the gym. That's my prediction. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston,

whatever her name is, J-Lo, are not in a relationship. They are friends. I'm telling you that name is J-Lo are not in a relationship they are friends I'm telling you that she's J-Lo and no 19 year old girl can get between

Ben and J-Lo I'm telling you you're fucking deluded okay we'll see and what I'm saying is P.S. we'll get back to that not all men

hashtag not all men blah blah blah blah blah blah blah but famous men like Ben Affleck who've women tossing their knickers at him digital knickers I wouldn't throw my famous men like Ben Affleck who've women tossing their knickers at him

digital knickers I wouldn't throw my knickers at Ben Affleck sorry if Alex Rodriguez that gargoyle he's a gargoyle he's in bits if he

I remember when he called you gargoyle I asked Spencer for something one time and he goes of course my little gargoyle and I went

excuse me and then I looked myself slowly in the mirror and I was like fair one time and he goes, of course my little gargoyle. And I went, excuse me? And then I looked myself slowly in the mirror and I was like, fair. Don't be sad. He calls me a pig. Hello pig. Gargoyles are great. They hold a great position of height on buildings. They do. I like a gargoyle.

Better than my friend Davey saying that he was whispering with his girlfriend now wife and Sarah was like Davey, don't say with his girlfriend, now wife, and he was like, and Sarah was like, Davy, don't say it, don't say it. And it was like he just couldn't keep it in anymore. And he's like,

Joanne! And she was like, Davy, no, no, don't say it. And I was there, oh my God, what is coming? What is coming? And he was like, you are the absolute image of Princess Fiona from Shrek.

And I was like, which version? When she's the princess or when she's an ogre? The pretty version. He was like, when she's an ogre. That's mean. He was like, when she's an ogre. That's mean. I was wearing a lot of

plaits at the time. Listen, I know my own face. Well, it kind of offends me too because you look like part of my family. Some people think we're sisters. I know. That leads us nicely

into our next topic. Wow, that was skills there. That was good. Who heard that? Do we have any jingles around? Get your tambourine joke, man. We got our first ever headline together. Vogue Williams reveals she once stole money from sister

as comedy queen Joanne McNally says she robbed from charity box. Vogue recounts fun childhood cute memory. Joanne admits to being moral deviant. Joanne is stealing from the poor again. We were talking about this last week. We touched on it last week that basically I have a friend who has a folder of nudes ready to go.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's clever. And she takes them in a certain bedroom, not her own, because the light's better in there. And she has ring lights, different positions, all ready to go in a folder. And this was just news to me because I just haven't,

I just didn't know that that went on. Like, I'm not completely naive. I have scent nudes, but I mean, when I think about it now, I fucking put my whole head in it. My whole head's in it. And the size of my head so my head's bigger than but come here to me right supposed to cut your head out like that is basic that is like the the main basic thing you do in a nude oh no what's the point what's the point then you could

just be downloading but i would just if i would just download bodies off the internet and just like what does it matter but i sent one of just boobs though just boobs and like they're not even that big so it could be just pecs but like my whole face isn't in it's covered by a camera but right I've never sent like a proper nude so like what are you sending you're obviously just sending front on you're not sending like invasiveness no I'd say you're trying to be sexy or attractive or whatever yeah so you're not like getting a flap shot no i don't think so i did a bit of research into nudes yeah and there's always been a fascination with the naked body so back in the day the olympics were originally

naked athletes were they yeah the ancient greeks they used to do sports completely naked and then the sin and shame of the body came in with the Adam and Eve stuff but up to that point everyone was absolutely like delighted

to be naked playing sports naked I wouldn't want to be going cycling no are you cycling cycling very

I like to get an extra padded seat for cycling I wouldn't want to be on it Like Do you remember the time That I cycled Over to East London

On your bike And I was very uncomfortable The way over I arrived there It had Burnt through the crotch Of my knickers My knickers were in two bits

To the crotch Gone Unbelievable to the crotch gone unbelievable I had to ice myself down it's the first time I've had chapped lips not on my face it was awful absolutely horrific do you remember I sent you the photo with the knickers I know so anyway I started googling and kind of learning about nudes and the I couldn't stop laughing at this message or you're gonna kill me because I didn't um didn't say but but this girl message saying that she has a folder of nudes that all her friends have sent her all the nudes that they've gotten and she keeps them to whip them out when they're in inverted commas feeling low so they all just look at this folder of like dick pics feeling low if I was feeling low the last thing I'd want to see is a dick or not a dick I think think they just look like me with

no mascara they're terrifying things they're feral ferret males so I got some uh started reading these articles about nudes on the internet yeah and uh this girl's like when i was single i always had a rule not to send nudes until they've seen me naked in real life first now i just send to the group chat so when our boobs look good we just send liz 32 new york i don't get that to what group chat basically if i have i have an urge to send a nude i send it to you instead of a man no thanks exactly i was like that's a bit odd now now in fairness if a friend needed a fire emoji that bad i fucking i'd give it to her oh god i was showing my birth video again the other night when i'd had a few drinks i think i'm gonna have to delete that it is like there's a lot of people that i've seen that i was like i might show you i

might everyone's seen it show everyone's seen it now everyone's seen it I saw it I don't think he'd even had a drink it was like 11am or something oh no I'd had a few drinks

come on I just ammed a nude sender I remember someone sent me dick pics I'm not going to tell you who it was

yeah and he sent me dick pics and there was tissue paper all over his knob i was like what is that it was like he'd wiped the wee off his willy and then little bits of tissue paper had gotten stuck and sent to me i was like oh my god that is the most unattractive thing i've ever seen i used to get loads of like uh

when i had snapchat the amount of dick pics you get sent on snapchat is shocking and wanking videos it's actually disgusting people are weirdos why would you send stuff like that to somebody you don't know i honestly think people are absolutely bats fog you know that this is as far as i'm concerned a humble brag because I have yet to receive a single dick pic despite having done three call outs for them yeah but you won't get one on Instagram

it has to be Snapchat open up a Snapchat I guarantee you within a week you'll have a dick pic I hear girls and they're like oh my god

so sick of getting dick pics I'm like who's that like what oh my god are we past it I've never had a single one i feel like they'd probably be scared to send you one in case you gave out to them i mean look my instagram it's

not exactly it's quite a hostile environment for men i do realize that when i'm like when i'm thinking of someone to set set you on up but they're like let me see your instagram i'm like i don't think so really I know it's terrible it's not really a dating place to show people your Instagram

other women talking about their nudes one said her sister takes them for her imagine Amber taking your nudes gross

that'd be weird this may be quite sad one time I sent one to a guy and he blocked me like is there a bigger rejection is there a bigger he blocked me and she so I showed my friend and she said it wasn't flattering so now I always

check with friends before sending Catherine 42 Virginia I just think there's some things you need to do alone and that's take nudes that's like an isolated that's an isolated event that's something you do in your own time on your own some of my gay friends say when they tell me about what they send on grinder they're vicious with each other they'd be like oh no you look too small for me and like they'd be that mean and you know the way they they hold a can of coke or something to give it perspective to make it look bigger imagine us holding a litre of milk beside our vagina

to make it look bigger or smaller as we're sending nudes disgusting disgusting disgusting if I was going to take nudes I would do it

I think I'm a bit old now I would have to do it like in the dark maybe with a candle something kind of now I would do it my room here in Hoth I'd definitely do one

here in Hoth I might do one I might send Spencer one later because the lighting here is just too good to miss out on. We need tit-tune instead of phase-tune. We need tit-tune. I don't know how to make it bigger. Thank you.