My Therapist Ghosted Me - Books, Bodies & A One Night Stand

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

After a bit of a false start on last weeks episode.... HERE IT IS! FINALLY! Vogue & Joanne reunited in the studio, to ensure that technology couldn't get in the way of a decent session. With a snippet from the "lost episode" (because you HAVE to hear that story), you'll also hear about dead bodies (you know what Vogue's like about this stuff) and a hilarious accidental purchase from Joanne. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me, with me, Bo Williams, and Joanne McNally. In today's episode, we have dead bodies and getting eaten by hippos. Okay, Joanne, I'm going to start by telling you about my week. Do it! Right? And I feel like you're rubbing off on me, even though we haven't been in each other's company. I read a book for the first time in four years, right? Go on!

Jesus! Now, I want to say it's something like about like the Russian history or something like that but it's not it's called The Chiffon Trenches

go on it was Andre Leon Talley right and I thought if I'm gonna now it sat on my bedside table for six months

I took it to France with me and I was like right I'm getting into this I'm obsessed at reading it is I forgot how much I loved it I feel and I was like right I'm getting into this I'm obsessed with reading it is I forgot how much I loved it I feel smarter

I'm like ew why is my phone in my room like I sleep so much better and then it's like the world

has come at me and I got home Jamie Lang had sent me his new book Catherine Ryan had sent me her new book so I have all these books to read

and I'm so excited I mean I know I should be going into something historical. I need to. No, because I think anything that gets you reading is good. Do you know what I mean?

Gets you going and then it's like training. I feel like you're a reader. Start small. What I guzzle is news. I read a lot of newspapers. I have subscriptions coming out of my eyeballs.

But I have a stack of books beside my bedside table that I haven't read yet either. I have loads of books, right, that I ordered. Someone told me to order. But I have a stack of books beside my bedside table that I haven't read yet either. I have loads of books that I ordered. Someone told me to order. They gave me a list. This is also going back

four years. Brand new. And they're right up your street like The Alchemist and all those really clever people books. Spencer. Oh my God, Vogue.

Tell Joe about the book you wrote. No. Yes. Vogue wrote, Vogue is a published author. Yeah. Really?

It's kind of like a picture book really. Do you remember? Joanne, excuse me, if you want to do a high pony tile, you can find that in the book. Messy bun in the book. Is it beauty tips? No, it's like,

you looking hot in various outfits. Me looking hot? It was me, I did a lifestyle book right and I had to do a gym shoot and it was one of those times I'd just done my knee in

and I'd put on a fair bit of weight like I don't usually put on weight I got to the point where my mum said to me listen Vogue you put on too much weight

and I'm in all these gym outfits and I was like oh my god I only realised after I saw the pictures in the book I was like

holy shit my mum was right do you not remember what the book was called? like, holy shit, my mom was right. Do you not remember what the book was called? Was it called Vogue? No, it's worse. It's worse. Everything.

It's so funny, everything, and there's literally nothing. There's nothing in it. Everything, but nothing. But nothing. So fashion. It was, it was, what's it called? A lifestyle book. A lifestyle book, yeah. I know. I mean, they're like, it was, what's it called? A lifestyle book. A lifestyle book, yeah.

I know. I mean, they're like, in fairness, I'm kind of jealous because they're so easy to bang out. Like, I would like to, will maybe write a book

and I was like, wow, you'd love to just do a colouring book or something. I'm a published author, you can just doodle in, like just doodle in between the lines all day. You could do a wellness book.

How could I do a wellness book? Joanne, you sage. You do all nice things like that. Yeah, because I'm not well. But actually, reading the books, right? You know the way you fall down a hole every week?

Couple of holes. I love a good hole, yeah. I fell down a hole. Go on. Karl Lagerfeld. Oh, yeah. Fell down a hole about him. Bit of an arsehole.

He doesn't have sound vibes. Is he alive? Sorry. No, he's dead. He's dead. Oh, I can't really say that. But anyway, he's dead. We can't say he's dead.

No, you can't say he's dead. You can't say he's an arsehole. For the podcast, we didn't upset anyone. Carl's fine. Carl is alive and well. He kind of looked dead a long time before he actually died.

Do you know that he survived solely on Diet Coke? So he put on a shitload of weight and then he lost it all and then yeah, he had Diet Coke and he wouldn't eat anything.

But, so he was really rich. I didn't realise how rich he was. Like houses all over the place and he used to like basically fund certain people's lifestyles.

He was friends with this woman for two decades and he like basically funded her whole life and then just dumped her at the drop of a hat because they could say something to him and this Andre Leontali said he dumped him after like 30 years of

friendship. So he would then ask for the stuff back. He would like decorate their apartments in these amazing furniture and antiques and then he'd be like, yeah I'm going to take them back now because he would just think that they were just a lend but they were a gift. So he was a little bitch basically. Bit of a little bitch. He was a little bitch. And I think he left all his money to his cat.

I hate when people do that. I know. Cat as well. A dog, maybe, but a cat. I mean, send it to Yemen. Like, do something useful with your money. Fucking cat. What's a cat going to do? A cat doesn't even want to buy it. Like, cats don't even wear clothes. What was a cat's name again? It actually had a nice

name. I thought that could be a nice kid's name again? I actually had a nice name. I thought that could be a nice kid's name maybe. Cat. Two holes I fell into. Carl puts his face do you know what I've realised when I was doing a bit of shopping recently

and I was like why am I paying money to advertise like clothes like do you know Like that Adidas top you're wearing. Yeah exactly.

Exactly. Like why am I buying Kenzo top and I'm just walking around wearing this huge big Kenzo logo. Why? It's so you're like it's actually so rude. It's so cheeky Kenzo? I'm just walking around wearing this huge, big Kenzo logo. Why? It's so, you're like, it's actually so rude. It's so cheeky of them.

I'm not wearing any branded shit anymore. I know, but like some people want it for the branding, like polo sports. Like people buy it for the horse. No. I know what you're saying. I kind of like the horse. No. Listen, you're sitting there in a big Adidas thing.

Choupette. That's what his cat was called. Stupid. Stupid, stupid. We're little rich bastards. Give me a lens, Choupette that's what his cat was called stupid stupid Choupette little rich bastard give me a lens Choupette Choupette's still gone we'll be mates with it eating truffles

and diamonds in his cat bed of diamante crystals ridiculous but it's quite fun to fall down a hole like that I wonder who

I'll leave my money to toilet mushrooms toilet mushrooms Joe Joe's putting his hand up Joe wants the money I think it goes to your mom if you die if you die first or then your brother maybe I mean I wonder who I'll leave my money to. Toilet mushrooms. Toilet mushrooms. Joe. Joe's putting his hand up. Joe wants the money. Yeah.

I think it goes to your mom if you die. If you die first. Or then your brother maybe. I mean, I'm kind of hoping I live my mother. You never know. It's a pretty pessimistic attitude. If you're going to eat quavers and wine and that's all,

you can't expect to live for very long. Quavers are such a shit crisp as well. I live. I'm such a basic bitch. I was thinking when I die I was actually I'd love to be No would I? Yeah I would

Cremated and then scattered On top of a chicken salad And then fed to people on the day Gross Yeah My friends ate their mom's ashes By accident? No they did it on purpose

They were all really pissed one night And like They put a bit of the ashes Into their drinks And all She listens to the pod as well, they all drank the mom's ashes.

I just wouldn't want that. What if he got a foot? I don't know what I'd want to do. Maybe I'd like to be mixed with people so I'm not on my own so I could be in an urn. I don't know if I even

want to get cremated but I don't want to rot either. I'm just worried I'd still be alive. Apparently that whole getting buried alive thing was massively over exaggerated. I think only one person has ever been buried alive. Back that whole getting buried alive thing was massively over-exaggerated. I think only one person

has ever been buried alive. Back in the day, they used to put little bells on their wrists so they could ring. I think it only happened to one woman. I imagine that was you.

That'd be enough. One person's enough because, I don't know, people come back from the dead. Who has come back from the dead? The woman with the bell. She did. The woman you just spoke about.

But this was back in the day when they couldn't tell if you were alive. I remember my auntie Joan was terrified of being buried alive. I was like, it's like she thinks if she just took a nap.

Like, it's very clear when someone's dead because they look like they've been vacuum packed. They don't look great. I hate that. They don't look great. When they walk in,

it's like, oh God, they look very peaceful. It's like they look like they're in bits. Their mouth is all sewn together and shit. It's fine. She never wore that in bits. Their mouth is all sewn together and shit. She never wore that much lipstick.

She looks like a little tart. What have you done to her? She looks like a little tart on a hen party. I want to be tanned to the max. I want to have a bouncy blow dry. I don't want funeral home makeup.

I've seen the makeup they use. I want like a proper makeup artist. Yeah. I asked my friend Ashley to do my dad's makeup when he was dead so obviously and she wouldn't do it. Yeah, like that's makeup artist. Yeah. I asked my friend Ashley to do my dad's makeup when he was dead. So obviously,

I shouldn't do it. Yeah, like that's quite a big ask. Also, it's not just like a bit of Charlotte Tilbury. Like it's, don't they spray paint them? Isn't it like spray? It's not like a bit of Rimmel mascara.

It's like special dead person's makeup. No, I saw regular makeup in there. Just really thick, like probably stage makeup. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, just really thick. Like, probably stage makeup. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, because they start crusting. I don't like talking about dead bodies. I read this article the other day about this woman and her mother

who went and made each other's graves out of wicker. They're coffins. Sorry, coffins. So it's this kind of like retreat thing. You go and you build your coffin out of, is it wicker? No, willow. Like the St. Bridget's Cross. Yeah.

I think it's willow. Oh, gross. Do you know what? She made, they made it for each other and then they lay inside it after and had a photo taken. No, thanks.

Like not a hope in hell when I do something like that. That's disgusting. But I actually fell down a second hole, which this brings me into the hole. I don't know how.

I look up weird news stories. That's the kind of news I read. I know you read the Times and shit like that. Well, I read weird news stories on the Daily Mirror. And there was six countries marked death in different ways, right? In Tibet, they put the deceased on a mountaintop to decompose and have to be eaten by scavenging animals. So they chop them up and leave them there. And then if get eaten all up it's like a really good sign. Gross. Scandinavia

they bury you on a boat and give grave offerings. That could be quite nice. Like what you see in the movies and they shoot an arrow of burning fire.

Yeah, Game of Thrones. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Korea, death beds aren't a fashion trend. They're aware of honouring the dead in South Korea.

After 60 years they removed the person's grave because they've got no space. I also read about these, because graveyards and dead people do actually take up a lot of space. But you can fit six people a grave. Well, that's if you've bought a six-person grave. Like, I'll be buying a single woman's grave.

No, you can be buried with me. You can come with me. Thank you. No one else has offered. Actually, I'll be buying a single woman's grave. No, you can be buried with me. You can come with me. Thank you. No one else has offered. Actually, everyone else has turned me down. I asked my friend Nicola and she was like, no.

Oh my God. In the Philippines, they dress up their deceased in their best outfit and sit the body in a chair. The body remains there for several weeks with a lit cigarette

placed between the lips. Corpses are also buried sitting up. And women have their hands tied to their feet to prevent their ghosts from roaming. That just sounds like a session.

That person's been sitting straight up saying nothing for three days. I think that scares me. I wouldn't want my body like that. Do you remember that story of the session

and that fella who fell down the chimney? Do you remember that story? No. It was like James Kavanagh's mate. Did he fall? They were sessioning on the roof and that fella who fell down the chimney. Do you remember that story? No. It was like James Kavanagh's mate. Did he fall? They were sessioning on the roof and this fella fell down the chimney

and no one noticed he fell down the chimney and luckily he fell with his hands in the air and then it was like someone had taken a picture. How did he fall down? So he must have been

on the roof of the house. Yeah, he fell. I can't remember. Someone fell down the chimney anyway. They did get saved. But that was, I'm actually being absolutely hammered he fell down the chimney. Are you sure you weren. But that was, I'm actually being absolutely hammered.

Are you sure you weren't watching Mary Poppins? No, I didn't make that up. Honestly. I know James Cavanaugh fell off the roof of the house. God, it was some party. One lad down the chimney, James off the roof. Bloody hell. Yeah, I think he had to have a wire.

He did have a wire put in his jaw or something mad. Did he? Yes, maybe they're like, maybe it's time to turn the tunes off. Jesus, the session's over, the session's over. Last one of the dead people, right? In Madagascar, every five to seven years, they dig up their dead relatives

and share stories with them for a general catch-up. Surely it'd be bones by then. Ah, that's, that's, where are you getting, Vogue, are you sure these are real stories? These are real, it's from the Daily Mirror, right? I quite like that one.

At least you wouldn't be alone. You are alone, you're dead. I know, but. You couldn't be more alone. Listen, I'm going to heaven. Oh yeah, but you'll be up in heaven doing your own thing. You won't care.

Not purgatory, Joanne. No one's going to purgatory only Gigi. Do you know they got rid of purgatory? We're christened now. Did they cancel purgatory? Yeah, purgatory no one's going to purgatory only Gigi do you know they got rid of purgatory we're christened now did they cancel purgatory

yeah purgatory's actually gone I only found that out they shut it down did they yeah yeah yeah they shut it down

purgatory's out of business fair play I kept the same one because I thought it was such a shame to lose it Joe writes our little intros and

outros for us and he likes to, well, this is the shit he writes for me. It's the podcast that works on the basis of striking a match of humour, igniting the fire of conversation

and toasting the marshmallows of friendship in the process. Who's writing these for you, Joe? The other day when Joe fucked up the podcast, he didn't actually fuck up the podcast, by the way.

I just sounded like I was in a fishbowl and it didn't sound very good. So hence the reason we're back in again because we're very good. And Joanna had a gig last night. She's still in here at nine o'clock in the morning. Yes, I was gigging in Windsor last night. It was great crack,

but four women had to be removed individually. Why? It was wild. Because they were lost. I just wouldn't shut up. Do they remove people because they're too loud? Oh, wild. Because they were lost. Just wouldn't shut up. Do they remove people because they're too loud? Oh yeah.

You have to. They're disrupting the entire show. So the worst type of heckling is the ones where they try to have a conversation with you.

Oh no, no, no. So it's one thing someone's shouting one thing or whatever but it's different when you're like so I met this guy and they're like

where did you meet him? It's like this kind of conversation. Oh no. And they think they're like on a one-on-one and you're like we're met this guy and they're like where did you meet him it's like this kind of conversation oh no and they think they're like on a one-on-one and you're like we're not at brunch so what do you do

ignore them you try to calm them down like I find just ignoring them works better I think if you talk to them it gives them oxygen and then they kick off more and they feel like

they're part of the show and then they get like they want more attention like the audience there's always a couple of attention seekers in the audience says you're one on stage,

but like... I'm like, this is about me, bitch! Get her out! How does Scarlett being kicked out? Yeah, one woman actually kicked herself out.

She just got up and the defense was like, listen, you're going to have to keep it down because I know I'm just going to have to leave. And she just left herself. I've never seen anyone remove themselves

from a comedy club. I wouldn't say Amber would last long. Amber's going to a few of your gigs. She'll be kicked out. Oh yeah, no, I have no patience for it. Like once in Edinburgh, there was a bit of that going on. There was a bit of like this group

and I gave them a bit of airtime and then they thought it was their show and they were blah, blah, blah. And I could have done something very kind of fun and cool with them. I just went shut up I just

I was like I don't want like I'm not going to try and turn this into some fun bit just shut up and then the whole room was like ooh

it took me a couple of minutes to get them back shut up and get out I was just like shut up who's your favourite comedian?

ooh I've no one favourite I like there's a selection Top three I love Kevin Bridges Okay yeah I love

Amy Schumer I've never seen any of her comedy She's like the OG and I love Des Bishop Do you?

Yeah He's a very good friend of mine Is he? Before you start rolling your eyes Excuse me I didn't roll my eyes at Des Bishop

I've actually never I kind of just forgot about Des Bishop until you reminded me there he's married to some he's married well he's engaged to some young one

from a reality show over there New York America God I remember Des Bishop he was massive in Ireland for a period of time he was huge so he did 41

Vicar Streets one year in a row 40 how many are you on 20 Jesus 20 do you remember you thought you

wouldn't even sell out one I know but because you know the way you deflect compliments someone's like so if anyone says to me about the 20

I do yeah I'm really bad at it someone says 20 Vicar Streets I always go Des Bishop sell 40 every time 20 shite

yeah 20 is nothing it's pathetic pennies thanks pennies Des is nothing it's pathetic pennies thanks pennies 9 euro pennies oh come here to me what I was trying to say to you

when I was saying that Jo messed up the pod so basically I said that the French don't like wifi do you know what the French really don't like they really don't like

you saying they don't like wifi to be honest when you said that I did think to myself see I've still got a pior brain from my pior days and when you said that I did think I was like she's gonna get shit for that see I did think to myself, see, I've still got a pior brain from my pior days.

And when you said that, I did think I was like, she's going to get shit for that. See, I like the French though. I know, but saying French don't like Wi-Fi, it's quite a sweeping statement. I just, I was like, she's just, I know. I was in three different houses in France, right? Terrible Wi-Fi.

Well, I couldn't get Wi-Fi anywhere in France. It's basically what happened. But I do love the French. Yeah, but like, yeah. I'm not eating any more bread though. Jesus. Sorry, I have a complaint. I'm sick of Pret-a-Manger's bullshit.

Pret-a-Manger don't even pay for ads on this podcast. They're always on. I'm sick of their shit, right? I cannot find a hummus and chipotle wrap. Like, give the people what they want. Clearly, it's a very popular wrap. It's always sell-dates. Order more. Order more. I don't want a and chipotle wrap. Like, give the people what they want. Clearly, it's a very popular wrap. It's always sell date. Order more.

Order more. I don't want a Hoisin duck wrap. Hoisin. Whatever. I don't care to know the name because I do not want it. Do you know what Amber

said to me yesterday? She was flying back from France and she actually rang me and she's like, oh, guess what? They've got a press in the airport in Nice. And I was like,

oh my God, she was so excited. It's the most exciting thing. That's why I got out of bed this morning. And that's not even a lie. Oh, you went to the one over there and they didn't have one.

I was obviously at the border being a press. It's too early for that. No, they don't replenish the wraps on a Sunday, right? I know the system. That's fine. But like,

I could go in there on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, any time after three o'clock, no hummus and chipotle wraps. Yeah, because no one eats lunch after three o'clock. The meatball wrap's quite nice, by the way. If you wanted to'clock, no hummus and chipotle wraps. Yeah, because no one eats lunch after three o'clock. The meatball wrap's quite nice, by the way.

If you wanted to venture out. You're not really a meat eater. I don't eat meat. I don't eat meat. Oh, chicken. You eat chicken. I don't eat chicken because I don't know

what's best for me. They're weirdos. Chickens are fucking weirdos. Have you seen the way they just wander around? Someone actually corrected me because someone actually messaged me,

what do you mean to watch when they're driving around? I don't know. They just have no purpose. They don't do anything. Someone actually messaged me saying you mean what do you mean to be driving around I don't know they just have no purpose they don't do anything someone actually messaged me saying chickens

because I had said before that I don't really connect with chickens emotionally or fish and she was like no no no chickens can be very affectionate

and can be very popular as household pets oh my god did you hear about the hippo who ate his owner no this hippo which are apparently

the most dangerous animals. Oh the most dangerous in the animal kingdom. More dangerous than lions or anything. I didn't know that. Vicious. They kill the most

amount of humans every year. But they look so cute. I know. Big fat head. Imagine I'd hate to be killed by a hippo. So this one's not ideal. This lad

adopted this hippo I think the hippo must have floated away from its family or something I don't know the details as usual. Adopted this hippo. I think the hippo must have floated away from its family or something. I don't know the details as usual. Adopted the hippo and six years later was riding the hippo's back into the river where he'd found him and the hippo

turned him and ate him. Ate him all up? Ate him in the river that your man had rescued him out of and adopted him. Who adopts a hippo firstly? But he was keeping the hippo as his own pet and he was doing all these interviews about how connected they were and how close they were. The hippo ate him. They're very close the hippo as his own pet. And he was doing all these interviews about how connected they were and how close they were. The hippo ate him.

They're very close now. Very close. Very close. Oh my God, that's a hideous way to die. I know. I'd rather be mangled by a lion than like eaten by a hippo and dragged underwater.

This girl actually recently saved her sister. There was a crocodile fight, so I was going to say. So a crocodile started eating her sister, her twin, and she saved her sister from the crocodile. How?

I don't know. Listen, details. I don't know the details. I just know. Did she shoot it? Did she wrestle it? And I told Spenny a story about the giant squid. Did you hear that story?

No. So my friend Lynn, you know Lynn, her family friend got eaten by a giant squid. I thought she got taken off the boat, but actually she was already in the water. Spenny would not believe it. It's true. Imagine all those suckers, all of it.

And giant squids are huge. This is why I do not go into the ocean. No. My one fear, the one thing that freaks me out is deep water. Deep water and crabs. Not knowing what's going on down there underneath me. Like, no, not for me.

Even in a pool, it freaks me out where you can see what's going on. I like to wear, that's why I like water shoes to go in the water because I don't like my feet going into the sand. They disappear

and I don't know what's under there with them. There's crabs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are crabs. I had to sit, we were in Lanzarote and Martin made me do a piece.

Martin's my friend. He's my producer. He made me do a piece of camera sitting on this rock that was infested with these huge black crabs that moved at the speed of lightning. And honestly, I didn't know how frightened I was about

crabs until I actually sat on that rock with the crabs. Yeah, I mean, anything that moves with speed is quite scary. Anything that moves faster than I do, which is pretty much everything, but like spiders, they scuttle across, or I remember once, I was having a cigarette out my bedroom window

when I was, whatever, six, and I was like, you know as bedroom window when I was whatever six and I was like you know as a child when you're smoking and your parents are downstairs and you think you're cool as shit you're like God I just really need a fag right now

with the worst head rush my life is so stressful fucking colouring in so I was smoking out the window and I stubbed it out on the windowsill and I'd obviously

stubbed it into a spider's nest oh fuck and they all just came rotting in my hand it was horrible oh my god I know

I would die would you rather sleep on a bed of spiders someone asked me this question a bed of spiders or a bed of snakes definitely a bed of snakes yeah

a bed of snakes yeah spiders would go up your nose because their skin is quite soft hence the handbags. So he's like, I'm going to leave the room now. Put on something nice. And I literally am sitting there with a yogurt.

What does he mean, put on something nice? He thinks I have these stores of nice underwear, but I just sit there in my pajamas. I've got lovely jammies. Did you see? I don't have the details of it now, but I do want there in my pajamas. I've got lovely jammies. Did you see? I don't have the details of it now, but I do want to talk about it. Wouldn't me like it?

Who needs deets, Jo? Megan Fox and Kourtney. Is it Skims? Is that the name of Kim? Skims is Kim's. Yeah. Skims and Kim's. Skims is Kim's knicker brand. In fairness, I want the Skims. I want the Skims? Is that the name of Kim? Skims is Kim's. Yeah. Skims and Kim's. Skims is Kim's knicker brand.

In fairness, I want the Skims. I want the Skims. But the fake lesbianism of the whole thing. I was like, did you see it show? They're like licking each other. It's all very sexual.

It reminds me, do you know when you're a teenager you used to pretend to be a lesbian in nightclubs to get boys' attention? Yeah. Yeah. And you'd just be like gyrating up and down your friend,

Nicola. Like just, yeah. Trying to like eye--ride some lad. Oh, God. It's so pathetic. And that's literally what they're doing. I don't know why

they're doing it, though. It's so, like, Fake lesbianism. It's clit bait. That's what I'm calling it. Clit. It actually revolts me. I was going to call it

c**t bait, but I was like, it's a bit much. A lot to be said about a nice drink I've gone off tea some of the shit that comes out of your mouth I know because I love

a nice drink I have to have nice drinks all the time so I need to have I had a gorgeous drink down in your basement the other day what?

when you were gallivanting around I'm very disappointed in the basement it's really it's pissing me off you know Amber's going to live down there soon.

Where's Alzo going to go? And you can be like twins down there together. Where's Alzo going to go? He's delighted. Alzo just wants to be on his own. He doesn't, like, he literally... He's done his time in that house now. He plans his day around

not being anywhere near the children. I'm like, when are you home today? He's flying back from Spain. He's like, don't know. I'm like, yeah, you do. What time's your flight at? I'll get the kids to meet you. Yeah, want to pop out

and take the kids for a walk? He's like, no, I'm studying. You're not. Hates it. Yeah. What did you drink in my basement? I don't know about it. Some like cucumber infused.

A dash. Yes. They're delicious. They have these raspberry ones as well. Nice with a vodka. Very nice. We had a bit on the episode that we lost about One Night Stands,

which we've managed to salvage, so we're going to squeeze that in here now. The sound quality is a little bit off, but you'll get the gist. I was in Dublin for two weeks. I rowed nine lads. No. No, you. Okay. I rode nine lads. No. No, you didn't. I did.

Do you want to know you didn't? I'm only messing with... Oh, come on. Jo, is it? We don't even get the time. Jo, how could you think she'd even be arsed doing that? I was like... I know.

First of all, I was really offended that you hadn't told me. now there was there was a lot though there was there was a lot so basically okay so I mean I mean I say more worldly I'm probably putting away one a month now whereas before I was putting away like two a year anyway look it's a phase I'll probably become frigid next month and just start knitting violently like I don't know what I'm doing I'm just having a good time I used to put so much value on sex and now it seems to have absolutely no value for me whatsoever I don't know what I'm doing I'm just having a good time I used to put so much value on sex and now it seems to have absolutely no value for me whatsoever I don't know why I say it's actually so easy now like you could just go out and meet somebody if you wanted to and you're just a bit like meh I'm busy with my mates I've just outgrown that whole thing of like oh I can only have sex with men that I'm completely obsessed with although that never

stopped me before because I was I would get obsessed with men within seven minutes. So that was grand. But I used to just think of it as this huge, it had such value. And I was like, oh no, you know what I mean? He has to love me. Now it's coming to the book. I also think I ride for the pot.

Like we can't talk about monkey music every week. Do you know what I mean? No. I think that you have to. I'm doing it for us, babes. Yeah. And I like the gossip. And I actually hold out in hearing the gossip until we do the part.

I'm like, don't tell me, don't tell me any more about it. Yeah. But I think it's very important because you know what? I will be honest with you, right? I had one, well, it was only about six months of my worldliness, right? Where I broke up from one person and then it was before I met Sven. I think that you need to really like get around. Get around. I'm in the need to really like get around. Get around.

I'm in the prime of my life. Kind of. According to the lies I tell about my age. I'm in the prime of my life. So I should be enjoying myself. So I went and had to rage her in Dublin. And then the last night I was at the local and there's this lad at another table

and he's like all the things I like. Big bearded, built, all that shit. We've been having it. I had him over at the table and he's like all the things I like big bearded built all that shit we've been having I had him over at the table and my friend Onya has a photo we were in the beer garden

and I'm flat out on my back on a bench with my legs wrapped around his neck apparently I was getting him to lick my shins

that's what Onya said I don't know if she's saying it to give me the fear but she was like you were asking him to lick your shins one two skip a few

I'm in a taxi on my way to wicklow not realizing he lived in wicklow i'm now on i'm now on like a like a fucking car journey i'm crossing county lines oh no too far i was going on a one-night stand not a road trip i'm gonna need to get my password stamped when i get there and it's important i go into it's the most single man house you've ever seen right like I went into the bathroom like there's nothing in the house the house is it the only things that for survival there's not even like a live laugh love swinging out of the place there's nothing okay some classic single man house just like some light fixtures and a fridge you know what i mean but and i like a

clothing horse in the back i go into his bathroom and on his on his bathroom towel hand towel holder is a jay cloth folded oh no and i i took a photo of it obviously but i was like look i'm just letting you know i've taken a photo of this And he's like I think the cleaners is that And I was like Yeah My hell Oh my god So anyway

What age was he? What age was he? He's old Age appropriate Anyway So the next morning I think he's like 36

He's too old To have a J cloth As a tea towel If he's 36 years old I'm not asking If he's slapping a minor I'm not asking if he slept with a minor. I'm just wondering about the J-cloth. No, you get one minor.

You get one minor in your life and then you just have to park it. Put it down as experience and move on. So next morning, anyway, there's all this drama because he's late for work. The car is still in the pub. We're in the middle of nowhere. Well, for me, we're in the middle of nowhere. And he was like, look, we're going to have to get the bus. And I was like, do you think i'm bringing

this situation onto the 145 to bray you are out of your fucking mind like once the curtains are open like you can't do that to a one-night stand you can't you can't be all like woman you're like and the next minute you're standing at a bus stop going so like have you any siblings or like you just can't like the the only thing more domestic I was like why don't we just go and do a food shop while we're at it knock over to your ma's for tea like now once the curtains are open the chemistry is gone like that's the real I think that's the way once you step out of the bed that's it it's done because basically it's kind of fake intimacy do you know what I mean anyway

I wouldn't be able to I wouldn't be able to stay the night myself I would have been out of there like within seconds after I wouldn't I couldn't I couldn't

but so then he was like look we'll share a cab and I was like I'm not I'm not actually not gonna do that either I was like I think I said I just

I didn't want to be in a cab he signed and everything but I was like it's just so awkward do you know what I mean I was like no I'm not actually not going to do that either I think I said I just said he's sound and everything but I said it's just so awkward do you know what I mean I was like no I'm going to get I'm going to get my own cab right

and he's like alright cool but then with the timing of the cab he realised I know it was a big commitment to get a cab

because I was in another county I woke up I was no longer in Dublin but anyway so then we realised with the timing of the cabs he realised I was going to be in his house

while he wasn't there. So he was being really weird about it. He was like, well, don't rob anything. And I was like, I'm good for J-Claus. I've got a bumper,

back it out. And I was like, unless they're literally taking out your light features and your curtain rails, there's literally nothing to take in this house. I was like,

that's why I can't get a bus because I'm going to be dragging on a dung bell and a fucking clothes horse out of your gaff do you know what i noticed about one night stands i think when when you're having sex with men if they're not romantically connected to you i have this theory joe you could back me up on this that once a man ejaculates he kind of hates you No I don't agree There's a repulsion there Like he's kind of He's so Like you finish having sex

You turn around And he's already in the garage Fixing a radio Like he's gone He's out Perhaps he's just He's just tired Sometimes he's just tired

No I looked it up It's called Post coital dysmorphia It's like this Expelling of this Like this sexual chemistry And then the reality That you don't know that person

You're in no way Invested in them at all that you don't know that person you're in no way invested in them at all do you know what I mean and you're men in particular I was saying to my friend Simon I was like I think when men ejaculate

they kind of hate you on one extent and he goes yes once men ejaculate they have absolute clarity and I was like oh thanks

oh that's really kind of you this is an actual article it's like women don't seem to realize that the loss of vital life force energy from male ejaculation is the culprit many women want to experience the afterglow of lovemaking by staying emotionally connected they seek a short circuit itself abruptly by his untimely discharge that it must seem to her that he turned off the

television while she was still watching the movie i know know, yeah, but you don't just walk out and say nothing. You're like, okay, see you later. I have to go and do this. I couldn't wake up beside somebody I didn't know. I'd feel so uncomfortable. Like, even their breathing would bother me. The weird thing about one night stand is, if someone had said to you,

do you want to come home with me and I'll spoon you for the night? I'd be like, no, that's too intimate. But he's like, do you want to come home? I'll like penetrate you. And the night i'd be like no that's too intimate but he's like do you want to come home i'll like penetrate you like and you're like yeah cool let's go where we go nice is it all right i'll get the cat it's bizarre imagine he was like do you want to come home with me and i'll kiss your face for the evening i'd be like fuck off i don't even know you you're fucking weirdo john sorry i think it's worse that you you went home with this guy and then

you're like sorry to get my own taxi you're not getting my taxi i just didn't want it's too it's too domestic it's too much of it's too jarring from the position you've been in to be in the real world then in the like anyway then i got my own taxi back from wicklow right and the taxi driver like i'd look like I'd been dragged through a bush I was using my knickers as a hair bobbin I'd no bra on I was wearing a see-through top it was very clear what was going on this taxi driver didn't pick up on it at all wouldn't stop asking me questions so do you live in Wicklow I was like um yeah where are you going going to work and how is it we're living in Wicklow I had to create this whole life for myself in Wicklow

in the taxi just so that he wouldn't think I was on a one-night stand because I was so embarrassed. She's asked me about local businesses in Wicklow and I was like, yeah, I love Molly's Bakery. Like, I was like, I don't know what to say. Like, it's clear what's going on here. Joe broke the last one. So we can re-record it.

Yeah, my fault. Yeah, Joe broke the last one. My fault. Letrecord it yeah my fault yeah Joe broke the last one my fault let's go with that go global at 9am on a Sunday I should be eating falafels another thing that happened to me this week right people have a real issue with me playing Nintendo

right I had to I worked with Nintendo and you know I only work with people that I love working with me playing Nintendo right I worked with Nintendo and you know I only work with people that I love working with I had the same thing with Coke and people were not happy

it was like I was actually dealing cocaine that's how annoyed they were that I was working with Coke because people

have a real issue with Coke did you know that? Yeah there's some there's a lot of political shit going on with Coke they're kind of

barred from certain shops in Dublin UCD don't sell them I love I drink Coke every day and actually now lot of political shit going on with Coca-Cola. They're kind of barred from certain shops in Dublin. UCD don't sell them. What? I love, I drink Coke every day and actually now, like do I need to be worried about myself?

I had a fancy zero though yesterday. I would say you need to be worried about yourself because they also use Coca-Cola to clean blood off streets after traffic accidents.

That would be more concerning rather than their politics. I'm drinking Coke Zero, not full fat Coke. It's healthy. Yeah. But I got loads of shit over Coke,

like a crazy amount of shit. And then people were like, you don't play Nintendo. You're not playing Nintendo. I know. You don't have the vibe of a gamer. Like gamers are usually kind of like, you know,

men in their basements, that kind of vibe. But I know you, Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. And I know you Vogue Vogue Vague Vogue and I know that you do play games

yeah yeah not just psychological I'm surprised you don't no I play sometimes if I'm on the tube

I'll play that word game where you try and like Sudoku no Sudoku is that not maths I don't know

Scrabble no Scrabble Scrabble no Scrabble Scrabble no it's like no no I was going to say Pictionary it's just kind of this

word generator word thing but no I don't play games psychological games yeah you play psychological games I play video games I play physical games

but also what I was going to say was that's a part of your life that people don't know about and people are surprised when they find out parts of our lives that people don't know about because we pretty much tell everyone find out parts of our lives that people don't know about

because we pretty much tell everyone everything. I suck my thumb viciously. I've never seen you suck your thumb. Yeah, it's something I do privately in the privacy of my own home

like when you're gaming. When you're gaming I'm just at home sucking my big thumb. You're not goofy. Goofy? Well, I always associate thumb suckers

with goofy people. I'm looking at Gigi and I'm like, is she goofy? Oh, I got away. I used to have a gap in my teeth. Me too. I'd love a gap again.

I asked Audrey for one, because you can actually make them. Oh, you asked Audrey, did you? Yeah. Okay. You can make them. She was like, no. Do you know what?

I've good news. Tomorrow at two o'clock, George the dentist is giving me my teeth. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. And I had to put up this video the other day and I was like, fucking hell. It's like two highlighters in my mouth. It's so. I don so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed and I had to put up this video the other day and I was like, fucking hell, it's like two highlighters in my mouth.

It's so... I don't think, I can't, I don't notice it. Come on. No, it's just because you're so perfect that it feels like it's kind of teeny tiny. When you're a three-year-old, it's slagging you off, you know it's bad. Yeah, he's like, mummy, you're keeping me awake at night, shut your mouth. I can't sleep. The light's coming in.

It's too much, too much. Hideous! but loads of people do random collabs that like we were talking about sorry yes my favourite one

was Justin Bieber did nail polish imagine all the girls that would buy that exactly but it's so sinister it's like it's so dark

like Justin Bieber doing nail polish. These poor girls. Khloe Kardashian did a flat tummy shit. She's always doing that. And it's like, Khloe, you don't drink that stuff. Did you ever have those skinny teas?

I remember I did a batch of skinny tea years ago when it first came out. No one really knew what it was. Well, I know you don't like toilet humor, but like you just spend all your... It's like, it's like... What's that called? like you just spend all your it's like it's like but what's that called?

It's a diuretic. No it's like you just shit yourself. It's a diuretic. It's terrible. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. So basically that's why you weigh less because

because you can't keep anything down. Yeah. What's it called when you take those things? Laxatives. It's like a laxative. She does not take that

crap. And she did didn't she do toilet paper? Kim Kardashian did toilet paper. Kim Kardashian did toilet paper. Kim Kardashian did toilet paper. We all use toilet paper. Yeah, I know. I don't know if I put my face to it though.

No. I mean, how much money do they need? Like, how much money do you actually need? She would have got like... Listen, if someone offered me a million for toilet paper, I'd do the toilet paper. I'd sit on the toilet with the toilet paper. I'd do the toilet paper.

Would you? A million. I use toilet paper. Especially Charmin. That's a very nice toilet paper. I'd do the toilet paper. Would you? A million. I use toilet paper, especially Charmin. That's a very nice toilet paper. I know. Do you remember I went into your house once and there was like six crates of toilet paper and you're like, yeah, I over-egg the pudding there.

I didn't really mean to buy that much. And this huge big bag of pasta. It was like this industrial size bag of pasta. Oh, that was a mistake. Yeah, that was a mistake. We're still going through that. That's a kilo. A kilo of pasta.

I'm really bad at measurements as well. Did I tell you about the time I bought the whiteboard? No. Oh my God. I don't understand size. Neither do I. I don't understand it.

I don't. I've never had a measuring tape. Twice, so one time I went into a second hand shop and there was a desk there,

this huge big desk and I went home and I went up and I measured it with a book. I was like, okay, so it's, the book was, I can't remember, say it's War and Peace. No, it wasn't it with a book I was like okay so it's the book

was I can't remember say it's war and peace no it wasn't but it's like okay so it's seven words and pieces long and 18 words and pieces this way and then bought it couldn't even get in the front door it was like a desk for the white house it was so big and then the second time I had to end up going down to my aunt's for lives down in the thigh now then the second time was I ordered a whiteboard it's like my aunt's where it lives down in the Thigh now. Then the second time was I ordered a whiteboard. I was like, I just need to get it organised. I just need to get it organised. A little whiteboard for my walls. I could do da-da-da-da-da-da.

It arrived. I didn't even look at the measurements. It just went bing into the basket. It arrived. My mother's like, what do you want? Get down here. This university-sized whiteboard.

It's absolutely ginormous. Arise. There's a photo of me. There's a photo of me posing with it. My mom ended up having to sell it on eBay. Like I couldn't even, I couldn't even figure out how to sell it. It was gigantic.

It was like the whole size of that wall there. I tell you, you're very organized. Just for my thoughts, you know. Just to do the damn thoughts. Little girls for the day. Yeah. So I have no concept of size. No, neither do know. Just a doodle down my thoughts. Little girls for the day. Yeah. So I have no concept of size. No, neither do I.

I always do that. I can't measure anything out. I hate doing it, actually. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I actually don't know how to use a measuring tape. I had to Google it. Joanne, my first job on the building site that I went to work in after uni, they put me on this job to go around and measure out all the toilets

and where the sinks would go and everything in all the bathrooms. And I came back and your mum was like, have you ever used a measuring tape before? No. She was like, these are all like completely wrong.

I haven't got a clue. Still don't know. Yeah, there was a lad who was fixing a shelf in my room. That sounds like he wasn't, that he genuinely was fixing a shelf in my room. Shut up, Jo!

I'm like, what are the little lines? What are the big lines? But why can't there just be one set of lines? I bet you there's bloody toilets on the ceiling in that school I did in Lewisham.

That is it for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. Make sure you subscribe so that you get every episode the moment it's available. P.S. I'm on tour, Ireland and the UK.

All the tickets are at robmccartney.com. See you next week. Bye.