My Therapist Ghosted Me - Buffet Breakfasts, Fish Myths & Face-Licking

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

This week, Joanne is in Dublin, debunking myths and Vogue is France, embarrassed about her teeth. Get all their thoughts on The Met Gala, "golf" holidays and laughing at your own jokes. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome, welcome, welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of communication, listening, understanding, processing, analysing and unpacking. In today's episode we have face licking, swollen testes and breakfast buffers. Joe's actually got the best light of all of us and he doesn't need it. Now Joanne you're lovely flashed out, you look like a newborn baby and I am in France where the sun has decided to hide forever. Sorry there's music on in the background I can hear like oh sorry that's my ambient

that's the stuff that stops me having a breakdown hold on oh my god you listen to that Joanne you have to get the car map

I listen to rainy night coffee shop relaxing jazz and rain sounds to start off my day because do you know I'm just

well I've told about this but Jo I had to pull out of the Apollo because I had another one of those turns. The Apollo. I know.

Jo. I know. So now I'm under medical investigation. No, I'm not really. They're just like, you're just stressed. But do you know what? I miss my sage. They do sell sage in Ireland.

I know, but I just haven't really managed it. Do you know what? I do think sage smells like piss. You couldn't be more wrong. Now, in saying that, my housemates in Clapham. really managed to you know what i do think sage smells like piss you couldn't be more wrong now in saying that my housemates in sage sage and pork mince smell like piss no you're you're completely wrong about that um what i would do in clapping though for ultimate sage i would put my fan on in front of the sage and then it like it's like it's like the house is on fire

um and my housemates don't appreciate that because the smell does travel down to the bottom room that's when i need to sage like that's when it's a crisis emergency staging situation that's when you're drinking the cbd oil that's when i'm literally pummeling rescue remedy into me by the rescue remedy do you remember that when you're younger we've got exams let's take our rescue remedy what was that other thing that like absolutely useless there were tablets that would make you study not pro plus although i wasn't a fan of that speed no no farmatin do you remember some people would take farmatin no what's that oh my god it was a big thing my school i don't know it was meant to be good for your brain or something i was just not

very a very good studier i was really i'd like to say i was clever throughout the year and then when it came to exams I just flopped but I'm not sure that's fully true either. I got an A. Joe, what were you like in school? All right.

Got on with it. Good, good chat, Joe. Yeah, good chat. That's why Joe's not on the pod. Yeah. Absolutely useless. Oh my God, I have to tell you something

Theodore said to me yesterday. So mean. So you know the way I'm getting, basically I got my front tooth knocked out when I was younger so I've had I've always had a cap on one of my front teeth and then my brother used to like start slagging it because it would go yellower than the other tooth because it was half a fake tooth and you'd have to get it changed all the time so I got veneers on my two front teeth because they're they're they're not they're not sisters they're twins so you have to get them both

the same and um and obviously now I'm waiting for my new veneers with this amazing dentist by the way george who uh who has a tv i can't wait i can't wait to go back because i'm just gonna lie there for two hours and watch tv it's above your head but anyway so he told me that my semi-permanent ones would go a bit yellow but i was only meant to have them on for two weeks but then the good veneer guy went away so i've kind of had them on for five or six weeks. Now they've gone, they haven't just stained, they've gone fully luminous,

luminous. And yesterday, T turned around to me and he goes, mommy, I don't like those yellow two teeth. I was like, oh God, it's gotten,

no, it's gotten so bad. Look, look. You can't beat a child's honesty. Yeah, they actually, I can kind of see what you're talking about. I know.

They are glowing yellow. They're like someone took a little highlighter to them. I know. And my brother used to do that when I had my half fake tooth. He would Photoshop in a yellow tooth on all of our family pictures and send them around to me like,

like thinking it was really funny when actually it really upset me. And now here I am again with the yellow teeth but only for another two weeks until my stunning veneers arrive that's great you can glow in the dark think about it like that folk two little teeth glowing in the dark like a bunny like a little rat we love to see it I find myself going around like I used to when I had the big gap in my teeth and just covering them with my top lip speaking of teeth I've gone down a massive Freddie Mercury hell this week don't know why yeah and you know that he had four extra teeth that's why he thinks he could sing so well he had such a good range yeah he had a large mouth he had a lot so there was four extra teeth out the back and

that's why they made him booked and that's why he wore the little mustache to kind of cover it up so anyway went down this massive Freddie Mercurydie mercury hell i say massive i watched the netflix film and like did a bit of googling but i know that's big that's big that's big um he no doc goes on him no doc goes did i watch any docs on him no i didn't he snuck princess diana into a gay club in the 80s like oh we really missed a trick there apparently he used to have he used to throw these parties where he'd have fish bells full of cocaine that's the 80s. Like, oh, we really missed a trick there. Apparently he used to have, he used to throw these parties where he'd have fish bells full of cocaine.

That's the 80s, baby. That's the 80s. That's why I think the suggestion is Princess Diana liked a bit of a set. Also, well, I mean,

she's hanging around with Freddie Mercury, Prince, Elton John. Come on! What I was going to say was, this brought me down another hell. I was like, because obviously,

assuming Freddie took the fish out before he put the Coke in the bowl, it got me thinking about fish. Yeah. And their memory. And I was like, maybe that's why their memory's so shit, because they're all off their tits on Coke. But anyway, I was like, do you know what?

There's a lot of conspiracy theories going around. And I thought, wouldn't it be fun if we started debunking them I mean not Nicki Minaj Trinidad level But So I was like Let's debunk

Fake news On a slightly smaller level But equally as important Okay So do you know the way There's a myth Or there's a There's a story going around

That fish have a Two second Three second memory Yeah Lies Is it Twelve days Which actually is longer than me so no nothing but respect for fish now yeah yeah let's debunk it all here 12 days and I used to get

called dory in school because I forget everything they've got a 12 day memory and I was thinking quite impressive actually but like I mean what is their memory like I'm here I am in the fishbowl swimming around again and just fishbowl fishbowl fishbowl that's it that's all they do no they can they can recall

events so they know when do you remember you used to pick them up when you were little I don't think they can recall like historic events

and stuff but like they can recall things you know I don't get into the details I just skim read okay they have a 12 day memory I'm not going to be

debunking vaccine facts I'm just going to be debunking vaccine facts I'm just going to debunk like facts like fish facts and stuff I did like Nicki Minaj's little vaccine chat

that she went on this week did you see it come that man clearly rode someone on a stag party got an STD

and it's now blaming the vaccine like I've never seen anything as obvious and why did it swell up he obviously rode a beehive or something. I, you know the way my housemate, my housemate's a sexual psychologist.

She said like the lies lads tell, and women I'm sure, to get out. Oh, tell us some, tell us some. To get out of having STDs. One guy, a patient of hers contracted HIV. Oh no. Yeah, he went on this sex holiday to Thailand. You know, you know the way they say they're going golfing. Oh no. Yeah, he went on this sex holiday to Thailand.

You know, you know the way they say they're going golfing? Oh no. And then they come, and you know the lads who get to say they're going golfing.

And came back, HIV positive, told his girlfriend he sat in a syringe. Oh. Did I tell you the story about, I'm sure I did, I'm sure I said it on

Let's Solve Nothing because I'm obsessed with this story. Not the Froob one. You'd have to go back. Oh no, no. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not the Froob one you'd have to go back oh no no I'm not I'm not I'm not that's the worst story

you put me off many meals with that story I know I'm sorry not just one now I've remembered it I'm not going to enjoy my French croissant

later because I've remembered but there's another there was another story where this guy was having an affair and he got the clap and

he didn't want to tell his girlfriend he didn't know he had given it to him but obviously chlamydia it can really affect women more so yeah whereas it can lie dormant in them and then women it can affect their fertility so he had to tell his girlfriend he just wanted to be caught no no no so basically my housemate was like you have to tell her because she has to be treated so we came back for a follow-up checkup and she let's call her Rachel Rachel Rachel was like did you treat did you tell your girlfriend she has to get treated he goes I didn't tell her but she's been treated and he's like what do you mean and he's like well I crushed up the meds and put it in her breakfast so basically roofied her with anti-clap med Oh my god

People are awful I thought it was kind of romantic I was like The man doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship He's made a mistake Yeah He doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship But he cares enough about her

To have her Let her get treated I mean I thought it was quite sweet Fuck Spenny went golfing the other day Do you want He went golfing Alarm bells

Alarm bells That's That's code for sex holiday. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Unpack the golf bag. It'll be full of condoms, lube,

chains, and some sort of gimp mask like something Kim K would wear to the Met Gala. I'm telling you now. Just on the vaccine thing though, right? I was like,

is this going to be the new Ambien? Like, are now. Just on the vaccine thing though, right? I was like, is this going to be the new Ambien? Like, are people going to blame the vaccine for everything? On everything. It's like when we say,

oh shit, sorry, I didn't mean to do it. I was premenstrual. Now people are like, oh sorry, I was post-Pfizer. I was just like

having a night of, but do you know that back in the day they used to let women off murder if they had their period when they did it? Really?

Yeah. That was a tanned little loophole the week before is when I go full crazy and I like yeah nothing but everyone's men's hormones go up and down and in and out as well it's not just women like men it's this absolute this is another myth that we can debunk that men are just solidly at one level of hormonal like hormonally balanced and that women go up and down like banshees not true men go up and down as well we all go up and down we're all in a constant cycle i don't think they hit banshee level though they absolutely do there's a lot of murder suicides going on it's

not women doing it that's so depressing joanne tell you now it's all there's this idea that when women have their period they can't be trusted to do anything and that we're all out of our minds we're not we just use it as an excuse it is a good excuse as well and actually the vaccine thing is an excuse for anyone who got their second vaccine they're like oh god the results of my second vaccine i feel terrible i can't i can't go to work i thought about using it myself when i had to get up early in the morning i was like will i say i got my second vaccine and then i felt great i just felt guilty about it so I sent 68 messages to my ex it's the vaccine it's the vaccine it's like the new remember when people would ask people out

they get rejected they're like sorry I was hacked like really you were oh I know just by that one person bonjour hi I'm in question yeah do you want to just throw it over the gate? Would you just throw it over? It's fine. Yes, I'll throw it over the gate. Yeah, just throw it over. She's trying to get Gigi back from a babysitter. Do you know there was a man came to my show the other night in his 60s, I would say.

Now, sorry, sir. I think it's Aidan was his name if you weren't in your 60s it was dark I couldn't really see but he was of that ilk yeah and he was there with his partner new partner they're only seven weeks together she was a lovely looking woman and um I always assume because I guess I'mist, that on some level that the women bring the men. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. When I see a man like him at a show, I'm like, oh, this poor fucker now is being dragged here against his will. He's not going to have a good time.

Anyway, I was like, I basically was like, what are you doing here? I like to just flag who's there against their will. And he's like, no, it was my idea. He's like, I listen to the podcast. I was like, what? I just didn't expect men to listen to it why do you listen

do you know when I met him the late late do you know your man Paul O'Connell the rugby player yeah so I met him anyway he's sound

but he said his wife listens to the pod and he's like she you know she suggested I listen to it before because I was always going to meet you or whatever and he just looks so bemused

and he's like it's just kind of just kind of you guys laughing at your own jokes really isn't it and I was like yeah pretty much that is pretty much

the height of it like yeah Spenny sometimes sees me watching the videos Joe sends and I'm sitting there laughing my ass off and he's just like

that's not that funny and I'm like get it that was contagious listen if okay tell it no I'm not going to tell you to tell a joke

if you tell a joke and you don't laugh at your own joke no one else is going to laugh at it tell a joke. If you tell a joke and you don't laugh at your own joke, no one else is going to laugh at it. You have to laugh at it. But funnily enough, you can laugh. We laugh at stuff we say on here. But if I was on stage laughing at everything I said,

I would not have a career. Yeah, that is very true. How self-indulgent is this woman? I'm like, guys, I can't even get my own punchline out. I am going on holidays in October and I don't actually know where I'm going, right? Which sounds bananas. It's all been booked and everything.

I'm going with my friend Audrey. But the reason, someone was like, where? And I was like, I think it's Greece or it could be Croatia. I thought you told me Croatia. It's apparently, I think it's Greece. Anyway, the point is, I don't know where I'm going because it doesn't matter

because I'm going to one of these all inclusives and I will literally not leave. Like, I could be going on holidays to Afghanistan for all I know. Like,

I literally have no idea. I could be literally going, I could literally be going to a hotel in Kabul and I'd be like, yeah, Grant. And I'd land,

I'd be like, things seem tense, get me a cocktail. I don't care. Like, I'm never going to leave the hotel and I'll be rolled out of the place do you know Vogue do you know what would be do you know what would be a great travel show for us what you know the way there's talk of us doing this travel show yeah if we literally pretend we were so thick we went to Afghanistan and traveled around and we called it tanning with the Taliban tanning with the Taliban sponsored byning with the Taliban sponsored by Bareby Vogue.

Sponsored by Bareby Vogue. I'm in. I'm in. Okay, Joanne, tell me about your week. I'm staying in the Hard Rock Hotel in Dublin.

I'm treating myself. Now, they have given me a bit of a deal but I'm in the Hard Rock Hotel. It's right beside the venue because I'm doing the Dublin Fringe and... Hotel life is the best life.

Hotel life. Okay, so this is how I know I'm moving up in the world nothing is nailed to the wall like I could just steal the iron like everything's just free everything's just out

like usually I'm in hotels where like everything you're like can I take the pillow down it's kind of nailed to the wall can I use the pillow or like do you know when you're like

they put a lot of trust in you Joanne they put a lot of trust they put a lot of trust in you, Joanne. They put a lot of trust in me. It's crazy. You should take the bed home with you. You've thrown out your furniture. Take the bed. Definitely take the robe. They're expecting it.

The telly kind of comes up out of this cupboard. Like it rises up. It's very fancy. And I was actually looking. Do you know what I kind of find interesting? Do you remember they used to put Bibles in all the hotel rooms? Yeah, I remember that in the drawers. But I was like, if your book,

I'm not being bad, but like if you have to kind of brainwash people into reading it at their lowest point of boredom in their lives. Like I'd rather watch paint dry. It needs an edit. Well, I was like, because the telly rises up out of like from the dead,

it's kind of like Jesus anyway. So I am having a slightly religious experience in the room. But yeah is and even the shampoos and all I'm in the hotels where they're like glued to the they're like oh yeah yeah living my life living my best hotel life and obviously I didn't want the breakfast okay so you didn't want the breakfast hotel breakfast is the number one best thing about the hotel. No, because I would spend a week trying to get my money's worth and then I'd be rolled out of the place like a bowling ball. I'm not going to spend an extra 20 quid on a hotel breakfast

to go down and eat a bit of melon. Do you know those mad bastards? You're like, you're having a bowl of grapes. That's like a pound of grape. Like, if you're here, we're here to stockpile. And that's why the all, I'm actually concerned about the all-inclusive. Last time I went to an all inclusive was in the Canaries

and again we were like look at this I was literally putting Haribo on my omelette in the morning like we just

were obsessed with getting our money's worth we just walk around with a tray all the time just queuing for food it's like something

out of Orange is Going to Be Black do you know what I used to do I used to make my lunch now this is when I was like interrailing when I was poor and I used to make my lunch. Now, this is when I was like interrailing when I was poor.

And I used to make my lunch at breakfast and take it with me as well. So I basically, yeah, I got two meals out of one. I'd come home brown and full of lard. Like I looked like a sausage in a bikini. Like they might as well have flown me home in a breakfast row. It was so full on. You just eat and drink all day. It's relentless. And then you need to nap because you're so full on You just eat and drink All day It's relentless

And then you need to nap because you're so full all the time You're going to have to warn the hotel bar that you're coming Because they're going to have to stock up Joanne will be unstoppable And also I'm not going to, listen You know what's going to happen, you're going there for a week Accept your fate and don't come back whinging at me Because you've put on Forrestown

I'm going for 10 days Oh fuck I think the saddest thing, one of the saddest things about Corona And don't come back whinging at me because you put on Forrestown. I'm going for 10 days. Oh God. Oh fuck. I think the saddest thing, one of the saddest things about Corona, apart from the loss of life,

is the loss of the buffet. Because now they seem to think that Corona lives in the, like, firstly, have you seen how much oil is in that?

Like I had, I went to a breakfast party. In the omelettes. In the omelettes. Corona couldn't survive in those eggs. Are you mad? No, no. the omelettes in the omelettes Corona couldn't survive in those eggs are you mad no

no you think you're getting an omelette and being healthy well you can forget about it because you're basically drinking chip fat and you're drinking oil

the last buffet I was at there was so much oil I was surprised America hadn't invaded the hotel I was like this is dripping I was expecting

a fucking tank to turn up any minute and allow them to come in and take all the troughs of mushrooms away. I can't stand now because the breakfast buffet, because they spend a lot of time in hotels,

they won't let you drive it yourself. So they're like spooning out one mushroom at a time. I was just, give me the fucking trough of mushrooms. That is only in England and Ireland. I have been away to foreign countries and I have dined out on buffets. Breakfast, lunch and on buffets breakfast lunch and dinner buffets

and they were magnificent you're allowed to go around and take whatever you want the buffet's back I hate to tell you it means that we don't have that much class because we love buffets

so much oh yeah it's like eating out of an oil slick I don't just go in with my mouth I don't even need the spoons I'm like

I know like a trap Spenny could Spenny if we were at a hotel and they were having a buffet dinner he'd probably say to me I don't want to have

the buffet dinner that could cause big fights in our relationship because I love a buffet so much it's the most exciting it's so exciting you're like

I can have everything a teeny teeny teeny amount of absolutely everything you're like how is there 28 ways of eating sausage in the morning in Germany like it's crazy

and you know I don't eat pigs you know I don't eat them but I am I'm always kind of fascinated how they get so many shapes out of them I actually have to tell you I'm going off pig myself good girl going off pig definitely don't like pork I don't like don't like pork belly and even now I don't know if I'll ever be able to give up the sausage I The sausage is a lifelong love affair. I was thinking, because, you know, I was thinking of pitching a TV show to get people to stop eating pig called Pictionary,

where we'd actually show how smart pigs are. We'd get them to draw and stuff. Ah, yeah, but Joanne, cows are smart too, but like, they are so delicious that they've brought it on themselves. They have. If I had to choose a cow you're victim blaming animals

so one of the best buffets you'll ever have right I love Chinese food love like real shitty Chinese food as well and when we were in uni in Aberdeen

do you know Jimmy Chung's Jo I'm not familiar with Jimmy Chung's you've never heard Jimmy Chung's it's like this huge buffet chain of chinese restaurants no oh my god i love it jimmy chungs i once went when i was in college in aberdeen and like we were broke broke broke then and i ate so much that i ended

up puking in the toilet that's how much i ate yeah buffets are a bulimia's wet dream i will say that well i wasn't bulimia it was literally just over I've over expanded my stomach sat up stood up and then I was like oh my god I've gone too far

there was like no room it was awful so that was my last two weeks full of chug full of chug ah yeah it was so fresh though it felt like I was eating it twice

it had literally just gone down oh fuck rotter Twice. It had literally just gone down. Oh, you... Folk! Rotten. If we're going to say that the vaccine causes swelling, this is the time to get my tit job. And then just... Your tits are very enlarged.

You'll be like, yeah, it's the vaccine! I'm joining you. Yes! I've started watching Married at First Sight Australia and I really think that you have to get into it. Everyone loves it. Everyone's talking about it. And it is so, not Australia, sorry, UK. It is so good, Joanne.

You will love it. So that's just something I was watching that I want people to watch. And I started watching Nine Perfect Strangers. And this is when I started thinking about you. So Nine Perfect Strangers, they've all gone to this retreat where they're like they they find themselves and like they like saging and stuff like that i don't give too much away it's a great program but we should go to one of those retreats and drink like special smoothies

and get facials and get colonics and do kinesiology oh well i'm going to end up in a retreat called the betty ford clinic at some stage i'd say she's waiting for you some sort of mental health clinic i mean the retreat is on its way i don't know if it'll be one of those fancy ones but i'll definitely be taking some time out and drinking juice that's definitely we'll do the retreats on the way to the betty ford but i was thinking you should get into kinesiology it's all about that sagey shit I used to go you speak to a kinesiologist who's like a normal person and then they go through things on your body and like you just feel really good after it and they sage and she's just into all that mad shit you've now decided that you're into yeah okay I give it a go I like a bit of reiki yeah me too I like people touching my feet so another

thing that got on my nerves this week right I don't know if I've just noticed it or it's always been going on do you ever see some people's instagrams and they put up a post and they're like this week I got up at four in the morning to go running and then I did nine hours of work and then I did like they put out your whole week to almost shame you because you've been doing fuck all that day. And it drives me nuts. Why do people have to tell me everything that they're doing just to know that they've had a really full, productive, happy day?

I don't need to know that. I know it's, it's all the, it's all, it's very smug, which we don't like. We don't like. Smugness is my least favorite thing in the world. Smugness is a, ah, it's not your least favorite. And tomato is a breakfast are my two least favorite thing in the world smugness is a it's not your least favorite and tomatoes at breakfast are my two least favorite things I

and those lists I haven't actually seen them but as someone who suffers with crippling procrastination problems like yeah yeah do you know that I once

I was supposed to be writing my Edinburgh show and I avoided it so much I went online and did a certificate course in the cholera epidemic in London in 1854 now that is

next level procrastination I have a I have a qualification in cholera so that I didn't have to do my job true that's fair enough

I'd literally be like oh maybe I should iron my bras for the day rather than do what I'm actually supposed to do I did go down a big

obviously with the 20 year anniversary I went down a big 9-11 hell there's so much going on the moment that Netflix or the turning point on Netflix is absolutely fascinating so good so good but I have to say I was on a flight the other night and I don't know what got into me I wasn't even watching it on the flight because I knew that that was a bad idea but then like from watching it I just was shitting myself I was like looking around and everyone I was like who's gonna hijack this plane and then shitting myself. I was like looking around at everyone. I was like, who's going to hijack this plane? And then I was texting Sven.

I was like, I know that don't tell anyone that I'm texting you this, but I'm really freaked out. I think somebody's going to hijack this plane. I just have a feeling. And honestly, I was like, will I get off the plane? Like, when's the next plane to Nice? Like, will I just wait till tomorrow? And because I'd waited in the airport like six hours already, I was like, no, I'll just have to risk it.

But like, it does make me terrified. Well, of course, because at the time, it It does make me terrified Well of course Because at the time It's kind of bringing back All those memories Of at the time Everyone was terrified We didn't know What was going on

Like that's the We're still That's the reason I still can't bring A fucking mascara Onto a plane Now it's like Remember your mountain

Because one lad Tried to bring in Some petrol in a shoe Do you remember him The shoe bomber Jesus Christ I don't even remember that And then we couldn't do lighters

No lighters I've had pots of face cream taken off me. That's why everyone's cosmetics in a sandwich bag. These are the long lasting impacts. I am sorry, can I just discuss that as well? People who get to the front of the airport queue when you're in security, why is your shit not in the sandwich bag?

And why are you asking them what you can take through? This has been going on for 20 years now you've got it you've got to pick it up and stop wasting my time there's nothing more frustrating except actually this woman by the way in the airport the other day I uh I actually said it to her as well so you know the way your trade comes through and everyone politely puts their tray back where they got it because otherwise there's a backlog and no one can get their shit I watched her right and she'd four trays because she was in front of me and I thought that's excessive four trays but whatever who am I to judge so her two come along and the thing is filling up and she just stands there looking at

the trays and I was putting mine away so I picked up her two trays and I put them in and then I was waiting for my next one and then her other two trays came and she walked off and I literally picked up her two trays not in a very kind way and I slammed them down in the thing and I was like you know you're meant to put these away but like what a dick what a dick I think that does cause a lot of controversy in airports as well Amber said that sometimes she leaves her tray my own sister but they don't make it very clear I mean I look I'm not gonna pretend I probably left a tray rolling around but what I I will say, and like, look, who am I to

crest in the etiquette of airport security? What I will say is I don't think I could blow up a plane with a labello. I'm not MacGyver. Not MacGyver. Why are you taking

my labellos away? What I obviously found slightly fascinating was, well, I mean, it's not even fascinating at this stage. Conor McGregor had a go at Machine Gun Kelly. Gosh.

Conor McGregor. What is wrong with him? Like, okay. I don't know. At this stage, he's fighting more, like, just casually for free than he is professionally, which seems insane to me. Like, I'm not going to go out in the street

and start shouting jokes for no money, but this is literally what he's doing now. I don't get it. It's like, it's bad business. It's bad business it's bad business supposedly he asked Megan Fox for her

for a picture with her and Machine Gun Kelly said no Machine Gun Kelly oh he's just such a smelly looking little toilet brush but like

I mean she is so amazing I mean everybody would want a picture of her the only thing about her right I've been thinking like looking at her

being like fucking hell she looks so good but actually she says really weird shit she was like a better outfit for the VMA

VMA she's like machine gun whatever his name is told me that he was gonna dress me naked and I said

okay daddy like they make you sick why are you like we get that you're writing everyone's writing get over yourselves we know so i wonder if she wake up and she's like morning machine like is that like maybe she goes morning because they're so all over each other at the time i'm like licking each other's faces and shit like no offense but i have been there where i'm scoring the face off people when I was younger.

But licking people when you're 35 years old, it's, I'm not being ageist. I think it's too much. And it makes me think, right, that they probably have a shite sex life. You think they're overcompensating? I think they're overcompensating. Like, look how good we are together. We bang all the time. Spenny and I don't lick each other's faces off and we do pretty well in the bedroom.

Yeah. Okay? I know. he told me he does like to discuss it he does like to discuss it back to the Conor McGregor thing his partner Dee I don't know what she's on

but I want it how she all she does he is Conor McGregor is flat out kicking the shit out of people

getting people knocked up like punching people in the face and every photo she's just smiling away like nothing's going on i don't know how much staging that woman like i've never seen someone so zen like he's literally ruining lives and she's at home catching flies with chopsticks i've actually met her she's actually really nice i'm sure she's lovely i'm sure she's absolutely sound but I was like

imagine dealing with a man that that's he's that aggressive like how I'd say she is flat out drinking champagne fleets full of rescue rounds oh she's gotta be

she's on she's on the so when you get to drink two you're at your happiest that's your best time ever she's on drink two all the time she has to be

to put up with that shit but even when Conor McGregor was telling his son to like his son was like this boy Bushman he's like go punch him

in the mouth and it's like what the fuck is wrong with you dude he's just he used to be a national treasure not so much anymore

I would say they're the only house in Ireland whose oil tank is full of essential oils and she's like sleeping in a mud bath at night

what I would do for him like I'd say she's pumping whale music into the the other thing is they're probably so rich I was like just'd say she's pumping whale music into the the other thing is they're probably so rich i was like just get a whale just get a whale into the house d and then when connor starts kicking off like connor go speak to the whale go speak to the whale go to the whale room go and speak to the whale he needs some saging i've never seen a

person more in need of a bit of saging and a bit of ambient jazz what conor mcgregor why do you think he's got like i'm gonna say so aggressive obviously he's aggressive because he's a fighter but like he needs that kind of stuff in the ring why do you think he has gotten like like he's so much money now he was really successful doing really well why do you want to sabotage yourself like that and make people not like you it's just really disappointing maybe he thinks it's like maybe he's just like this is my job maybe it's like me going to a dinner party and telling a joke maybe that's what he thinks it is other ones that I was looking at yeah so Gwyneth Paltrow

and Martha Stewart so she said if she were confident in her acting she wouldn't be trying to be Martha Stewart well you know what I bet you Martha Stewart

is eating her own words because obviously Goop is amazing but Martha Stewart is a half a billionaire do you want to hear about any more scraps yeah go on

okay right Lisa Armstrong and Ant and Dec I don't know her second name so obviously billionaire do you want to hear about any more scraps yeah go on okay right lisa armstrong and aunt and deck i don't have a second name so uh obviously they had their divorce and aunt got married something i didn't know so he got married to her assistant and they had loads of puppy they had they had gotten two new puppies but aunt still wanted the dog off l but Ant's PR person basically put up a picture saying well done on you winning your NTA and she wrote under it and you don't care who you screw over in the process well done and I just thought uh-oh there's been times where I've wanted to say things and I don't and actually it is it is great to be on that higher road bitch about it to your mates

don't put it out there in public. You're going to start looking. I'd say, like she got, in my opinion, she got completely shafted there. Yeah, definitely. And I actually think she's been, she has showed a lot of restraint.

That to me bangs of, she's had a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and she's gone on Twitter. Yeah. I've done that before. Do you remember when I, remember I had that little run in with your man,

that trail and that was me. I was half a bottle of white wine down. It was like, no, I'm not fucking having it. Not today. You wake up and you're like,

la la la la. Oh shit. Oh no. You're like, something bad happened last night. What was the bad thing? Another email I had during the week

was from someone who literally said the term Hollybox is not acceptable. It is. I'm on my Hollybox. And he's like and I will now crawl

back into the woodwork and never bother you again. I have to tell my three year old son that he can't say Hollybox anymore because Angie Joanne thinks he's a loser.

like does that like church just go off all the time trying to get you to go to mass god i haven't been to mass in years i was only thinking about getting gg um christened and i was like like we've kind of passed the date like because of all of it's gone and like it's so ingrained in me that she's going to live in purgatory that i have to get her christened I'm like can't have her living in purgatory it's too cute oh god no she'd hate purgatory she wouldn't like purgatory at all flying around those headless babies with the wings no that's not for Gigi she's got great legs you need to keep them on her get her christened she's got my legs for sure i went to my nephew's my godchild's communion the other week and i have to say i was incensed by the lack of performance on the part of the priest like i was incensed i was like are you literally giving us nothing like

i was like you could you're not even selling the stuff anymore and i like that's because they know they've got an audience who, if they want to get into the afterlife, he's not competing with anyone else. No, I have to disagree. Some priests put on a great show. Yeah, this lad didn't. And I was enraged by it. And then, first thing I said, I couldn't hear him.

And then he did say it halfway through. He's like, look, I've had my vocal cords removed because they had cancer okay fine but there's there could be a bit more physicality on the selling of the prayer use your hands more use what you have like anything something even a change of tone like did you love that smelly shit that they start waving around in that lovely jar the cat bell the giant cat bell with the incense yeah yeah i love it what did you give as a godmother present cash the child they just want cash now the children they all want cash i don't know like that child has more money than i do uh another topic that we were absolutely loving joanne the met gala i mean we're kind of similar you and I in things that we like don't want to do

the Met Gala I'm sorry it's so up its own arse so up its own arse it's like Hollywood giving itself a colonic that's the only way I can describe the Met Gala

it is so up its own arse and this performative nonsense of wearing these statement t-shirts or dresses with like tax the rich when you're at an event

that the ticket's like 35 grand to go to oh god I see the thing about that girl t-shirts or dresses with like tax the rich when you're at an event that the ticket's like 35 grand to go to oh god I see the thing about that girl please I know but like I suppose she got the dress for free and she got that but I mean it's just the wrong way to try and make a political statement about something like that but then everyone was talking about her but um but I just think it's like it's just imagine how judged you'd feel going to something like that like I'd be like a nervous wreck I don't want to have to go there and like stand in my outfit and get judged by everyone and like that's probably why Kim Kardashian wore that gimp suit

but you do do that kind of stuff that is your I know it gives me I know but it kind of gives me like I I was meant to go to the NTAs this year and I didn't go because I actually was a bit like but then I feel like sometimes I'm missing out on fun it can be nice to go and get dressed up and everything like that but the Met Gala I wouldn't pay 35 grand for a ticket for it absolutely no way do you see the shite food they're eating as well she won't be invited back Anna Wintour the editor of Vogue I think she still is uh she decides on the guest list and she's barred a few people. Gwyneth Paltrow barred because she said she didn't want to go back anyway. Donald Trump, never going to be invited.

Kim Kardashian only was cool enough to go when Kanye was there. And I have to say, this year's guest list, a lot of people I wouldn't have invited. Anna Wint, so two, couple of things. One, Kim Kardashian's outfit. Yeah. Was, I Kardashian's outfit. Yeah.

Was, I mean, she's been kind of fanning around with that Gimp stuff for a while now. It feels very Kanye-led to me.

But she honestly looks like she was just coming from stealing a lot of plasma tallies from somewhere. Or, she was just going to

run in, steal a lot of plasma tallies from the Met Gala and just go straight out the back. She looked like a banshee. The other thing I would say

is Anna Wintour, you know that she approves some of the outfits of the bigger guests like they have to be approved by her she's basically the Kim Jong Un of fashion

yes when she dies people will be the people will be free they will be free one more thing we never just we said about Travis

and Courtney the photo taken at them of the VMAs she's she's not into it anymore. Courtney does not want her face licked anymore. And she, because she knows her kid Mason is online. He sees that shit.

And he's like, why is my mom licking? Oh my God. He's sticking his tongue in her mouth and getting her to suck it. She's recoiling. She's getting the ick. I'm telling you. She looks slightly repulsed. All her body language is suggesting she's not into it.

He, like, he icks. I know it's so mean, but he icks the life out of me. And it's because of his weird behavior of licking. And, like, he reminds me of a serpent just going around, like, all the time. It's like, just shut your mouth and put your tongue back in there. I don't want to see it. And she's literally like, but, you know back in there i don't see it and she's literally like but do you know what i'm gonna say it's pathetic there that's what i think i at this

i honestly think at this stage there'd be more dignity in them just releasing a sex tape just be done with it just do the sex tape okay do the sex there's more dignity in it i bet you'd be shit again i bet you'd be shit what are they getting up to in the bedroom? Come on. If you have to put it all out there in front of us, I don't believe you. You've got a shit sex life. Oh, gross. It makes me sick. I don't want to know. It'd be really weird if they're sucking each other's tongues and

thumbs in public and then went into bed and had three seconds of missionary. That would be strange to me. I feel like that's what they do, Joanne. No, I think they're trying to let us know two in and outs and they're done that there's a serious case I don't know what's going on like there's obviously do you reckon do you reckon the four of them get it on because they're always licking around each other oh yeah I'd say my tongue has to go in the wrong mouth at some

points there's too much tongue out there yeah I just leave it hanging I'd say there's a lot of keys and bells a lot of keys and bells I wonder if I'll ever get to that stage in my life but you've so many cars you'd end up taking your own keys home and going home with yourself oh no I took the Ferrari

instead of the Porsche it's like I'm I'm pouring myself again stop trying to make me unrelatable right I've got one car that's leased and the bitch on the late late

says she starts talking about my housekeeper I don't have a housekeeper I've got one car that's leased and the bitch on the late late says she starts talking about my housekeeper i don't have a housekeeper i've got a cleaner i was doing you a favor by calling her a housekeeper a housekeeper is like somebody who doesn't actually clean your house you just sort your life out so you'd have a housekeeper and you'd have a cleaner dora is a housekeeper joe did you hear what i said about her on the late late a fleet a fleet of cards I'm gonna get

I'm gonna get you back you little posh snobby bitch a fleet of cards a fleet of cards I said to I said to Ryan

I was like I'm very because he was like how does it work you know Vogue like being so rich and you just like not being rich

and I said I'm really good friends with her housekeeper I said like me and Dora kind of have a bartering system going on underneath in the basement where I hand her

she cleans my clothes and then she gives me excess food that Bo won't know has gone missing which is true so that's all for now and remember

if you'd like to send us an email you're more than welcome to just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com also i'm on tour tickets are at joannmcnally.com i've added another belfast and another everyman gig in cork jesus i'm definitely going to loads of your gigs Bye.