My Therapist Ghosted Me - Cancellation, Solo Dining & An "Eye-Popping" Sofa

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

It's always a big week when Vogue has "put on a display" or "unveiled" something, so you can rest assured that this week was a BIG week. Meanwhile, Joanne has a new Sunday tradition and she's had an intense exchange on a tube train. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of sounding a gong of conversation and letting it ring out across the mountain range of shared experience, whilst laughing heartily at the summit of humour. In today's episode we have daytime entertainment, empowerment, laughing a woman into bed and solo dining. When I say I'm obsessed with a delicacy is what I would call it. It's wings. They are just divine and what I have to say,

I know I'm always big enough, Ireland, but the wings in Ireland are, they're out of this world. I go to, there's two pubs in Houth, three pubs in Houth that do a good wing. Three. And you can actually,

I've learned a trick. You can ask for extra wing sauce to dip the wing in. So they're literally like dripping in wing sauce. Did you say you learned a trick by asking for more sauce? Yeah, I never thought about

asking for more sauce. I thought, I thought a trick by asking for more sauce? Yeah, I never thought about asking for more sauce. I thought it was greedy. I'm like, okay, I'll just have the poxy blue cheese when I really want more wing sauce. Ask for more wing sauce. Got it. O'Connell's in Hoth.

Thank you. I always wondered about, because I'm not a big wing woman. How? But I always wondered, why don't we... I even like Domino's wings. Why don't we eat even like dominoes wings why don't we eat

the ass of the chickens so I googled it do we eat ass it goes into chicken nuggets do we eat ass do you eat ass that's a very personal question oh my god

sorry only when surprised that's what Samantha from Sex and the City said once do you swallow and she went only when surprised Oh my God, sorry. Only went surprised. That's what Samantha from Sex and the City said once. Do you swallow? And she went, only went surprised. The ass of the chicken has lymph nodes in it. Like, that's gross as well. I really don't want to eat chicken ass.

But you'd assume that the ass is the juiciest part. Like if we were in a playing... Like the bum hole. No, no. The cheeks. Okay, I'd eat ass cheeks like you know like the bum hole or like no no the cheeks okay okay I'd eat ass cheeks I would not eat bum hole but I was like

no god only in my spare time I don't do that by the way what if there was like a what if there what if there was a PR opportunity up there or a tube of Bear by Vogue

you had to get it out what if Gigi got sucked up a bum hole and you had to get her back out if we were in an airplane crash did you ever see a live yeah I do I would eat people

oh I would eat people too but you'd be absolutely useless to me because you've no body fat so I'm never going to fly with you I want to fly with like a darts team

or a darts team something meaty like that you'd just be like spare ribs that's all you'd be I would if I was to eat you

first, I would eat. My ass. Yeah, I probably would. But not the bum hole. Stop bringing up that part of it. Just the cheeks. I've got a great ass these days. You do have a good ass. We've been working on the ass. Working on the ass. It's really kind of

raising it. It's kind of like coming up the back now. And we've got our weight sessions now with John. The thing about chicken wings though I don't like to think of where they came from because I think chickens

are dangerous looking motherfuckers. What? I don't want a chicken anywhere near me. They're so weird even the way they walk around. Weird. But yeah they have to do

but they do have a bit of an attitude problem. Do you think their wings are held in little guns? They do. I reckon they would go for you peck the eyes out of you if they could. Ducks do. Ducks peck the eyes out of you.

I have to flag this. So I was on the Tube this morning. Bo, we've explained the Tube to you. What is the Tube, sorry? Remember the Pringle system? Oh, yeah, that place. Yeah. In the ground.

Where everybody goes at the same time. Where the peasants go. Yeah, no, no, no. Not for me. So I was on the tube and Jo you you are a man of public transport

yeah do you know sometimes because of the tube you face each other so sometimes someone will come on and you kind of catch

you kind of like clock each other like man woman clock and you all move on with their lives I know that doesn't happen to you

but they clock you and then they like are obviously probably obsessed with you my level of attractiveness they clock I clock, we all move on.

I love doing that. It's like flirting. Well that's exactly what it is. Yeah, it's great. Well it's almost an instinct of you're like clock, you're kind of reading the signs of what you're into.

Like male, my age. What's he wearing? Oh no, he's wearing spangly jeans. Do you know what I mean? You kind of veto them as you go down. But anyway,

this lad got on and I looked at him and he looked at me, looked at me. And that should be where it ended. Did he keep looking? Oh! He kept looking? Oh my God.

Like, to the point where he took his top. There was only him and me on the tube. And another lad down the edge. He was leaning over like this, trying to get in my eye. He took his top off. Oh no. It was, yeah! No, he was wearing a t-shirt.

Took his top. I was actually so embarrassed, I started off. Oh, no. It was, yeah. No, he was wearing a t-shirt. Took his top. I was actually so embarrassed. I started laughing. Oh, no. I was laughing because he was good looking. But I was like, dude, this is too, it's too much. No. It's Monday morning.

Calm the fuck down. He was putting his labello on his lips, trying to get my eyes. Oh, my God. Just don't be too desperate. Just look at me and never speak to me again. Then I'll know you like me. God. Ignore me and then I'll know you like me. Come on. Ignore me

and then I'll know you like me. Anyway, when I got off I actually had to say bye because it was like we'd really been through something. It was a lot. It was very weird. Good place to pick somebody up, I think.

No. What do you say? I don't know. I've had some messy moments in the tube as well. Yeah. As in, I've seen some messy moments in the tube as well. Yeah. As in,

I've seen some amazing scraps on the tube. I've never seen a scrap on the tube. Just like, what are you looking at, mate? Sorry, that was so bad. What are you looking at, mate? No, that was even worse.

Yeah, that's racist too. Is it racist if we do it to you, Jo? No, but it's racist if you do it to us. Yes. No, I don't think so. It is. Listen, everyone slides off the Irish. It's just like, it's No, but it's racist if you do it to us. Yes. No, I don't think so. It is. Listen, everyone

slags off the Irish. It's just like, it's a thing. It's actually just the most shittest joke as well. Do you like potatoes? No. Do you know what, actually?

I don't really like potatoes. No. I'm not a huge potato girl. No. And everyone thinks I am because I'm Irish. Well, anyway, what did you do this week?

What did I do this week? Oh, yeah. So my friend Oni was over. I went to see Les Miserables. Les Miserables. Which is definitely four hours too long. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

How long was it? Like three hours? I went in there at half seven. I fell out of that place. Half ten. I was like, happy new year. What else have I missed? I was literally in there forever

when he was bawling crying I couldn't keep my eyes open at one stage there's a lot of cuts could be made to Louisa Rapp don't get me wrong it's fantastic but at one stage

there was a lad singing and I was like who the fuck is he like who is he what point what is he adding to the story I don't have you as a musical person

oh I love a musical really yeah but I like a tight musical hour, hour and a half tops. None of this three hour shit. I'd cut Cosette. You don't need Cosette.

Who the hell is Cosette? I've never seen it. I'm not going though. Cut. It was too long. I went to a Charles Dickens museum. How much did you pay

for those tickets then in the end? Oh, we got, I think, what did we pay in the end? Twenty, twenty-one ninety or something? Were you sitting in the urinals

no actually twenty one ninety that must mean it's shite no one wants to go no do you know what I had to pay for tickets

for Bob Marley recently not cheap oh go on and I invited everyone because I was like it won't be that much I invited five people

damn it you can't invite people and then say oh actually I didn't realise the tickets were so expensive you're not coming no but you not just invite them and then make them pay no actually, I didn't realise the tickets were so expensive. You're not coming.

No, but you not just invite them and then make them pay. No, it's my auntie's birthday. I kind of have to pay. And I've also booked lunch. For who? For my auntie Gina. She's great. No, I mean, for Bob Marley.

Bob Marley, yeah. Is he not dead? Yeah, he's dead, but they're doing a musical about him. She loves Bob Marley. No wonder the tickets are so expensive. They had to resuscitate him.

Yeah. Bring him back from the grave he's like I'm not coming back to life for less than 60 grand I'm obviously doing a matinee a matinee with the girls Amber's going

she's going to start drinking at 12 Jesus nice I know I'm looking forward to it though do you know what I did this weekend I cancelled a lot of plans

and I know I was one of them you were one of them my god do I love thrilled thrilled that's what I was going to them you were one of them my god do I love thrilled thrilled that's what I was gonna say

I love cancelling plans sometimes I just make them to cancel them and when Vogue so I was like Vogue I'm not gonna come down and she came back she messaged back

she goes I'm so delighted you're not coming down and it's so amazing when you find someone else who loves cancelling plans it's like finding someone else with the same fetish as you

you just really you're like oh my god thank god excuse me I still owe you though for that that's why I loved it so much because you cancelled on me yeah

so I owe you a cancel yeah okay great like if and when I eventually get cancelled by cancel culture I'll be fucking delighted I'll be like

I love getting cancelled love cancelling love getting cancelled on love a cancel there's nothing that you could cancel on me that I'd be annoyed about. Not one thing.

No. Except I was a bit annoyed about the Pride of Britain. Yeah, you were annoyed with the Pride of Britain. Yeah, because then I had to go with Spencer. I know.

No one wants to go with Spencer. But my friend Michelle DeSworth was the same. I was supposed to meet up with her and I cancelled and she was like, babe, love it. No one actually wants

to meet me it turns out. Everyone's absolutely thrilled when I cancel. You've just got good friends friends I've just got good friends good friends who like cancelling I had to go to the Steph show this week speaking of Spencer

and he came with me I didn't realise how much I enjoyed one of the reasons I enjoy the Steph show so much is because I get to go alone he honestly

I didn't I couldn't even put my headphones in I couldn't even look at my laptop and do any of my work on the train he was

I kept asking why I was eating porridge. He just, he never stopped. He is like the third child. He was like in about three centimetres away from my face for the whole time and I was like, listen guys, I'm going to actually have to mail the producer and say I'm not doing it

again. He's not going to, it's my thing. What was he doing on it? He was making his non-alcoholic booze cocktails oh okay have we talked about the fact that I completely ruined the staff show on myself

have we discussed that you didn't though they thought you were good and then you said you didn't want to do it did we talk about this it was really bad I'm not

even Rick my agent was like Rick's always pretty positive even Rick was like do I think your future sorry I'll talk about the accent he's like you've got to pick a book I'll talk to you my accent is so bad Rick was like do I think your future sorry I'll talk in the accent he's like you've got to pick a book I talked to

my accent is so bad he's like do I think your future's in daylight entertainment no light entertainment mate no it was alright

do I think your future's in light entertainment no yeah it was really bad I'm sorry you were not that bad at one point it's live and Steph is just so relaxed

and she was so relaxed and I was, we can't be live yet. We were. And I was just kind of chilling. And then she kind of just looked at me, and I was like, oh, it's my bit. Because I'm so blind, they had to move the whole studio around so that I could read the autocue. Why don't you get glasses? Laser, or therapy are giving me laser.

They do eye laser as well? They're starting eye laser now, yeah. What? Yeah. I mean, what do they not do? They do eye laser as well? They're starting eye laser now, yeah. What? Yeah. I mean, what do they not do? Everything. They'll be doing mortgages soon. Fertility everything.

Fertility, eyes, yeah, laser. Anyway, they're giving me the gift of sight, which I wasn't prepared to pay for. No, you're dead right. You can put a price on anything. Priceless. You could ask for extra sauce Did you know that? It's like she cured cancer

Did you know you could ask for extra sauce? Joanne, it's a bit rude To ask for extra wing sauce When they're giving you the blue dip The blue cheese dip Which I could live without I went to see the fireworks last night

poor Amber she's come over my sister's moved over from London and she's come over she went out on Thursday night and she got like I could see

where she was going like the tunnel was there and she was halfway down by the time I left her and she went to a club with my cousin Gillian and I was like couldn't wait

to hear the gossip because she'd gone out and Lewis Capaldi was there andian and I was like couldn't wait to hear the gossip because she'd gone out and Lewis Capaldi was there and everything and she was like she was like no I don't remember not one thing she doesn't remember getting home she said she remembers sitting in the beer garden thinking laughed to herself and thought I can't believe they're going to let me back in

I was like they probably thought you were Lewis Capaldi's mate and she was like he was just looking at me. She's had the fear since Thursday because Cillian hasn't texted her back. And she's like, all she could think about was like Lewis's face. She just has a flashback of his face, like really looking at her like, what is up with her? I had thought exactly the same situations with Gerald Thomas. That's the worst.

I said something and I'll never forget that I have the visual of his face contorting in absolute horror or whatever I

said to him. When I think of things I did I'm like oh God. I can see Joel's face in my sleep.

Do you ever get those zzzz? Yes. I just had one there thinking about something awful. Electric shock from the memory you're like oh God ever get those zzzz yes I just had one there thinking about something awful electric shock

from the memory you're like oh god oh god Jesus stop oh my god I used to go into deep dark chats

about my dad and I'd wake up the next day and I'd be like I'm not even upset about it well I was only bringing that up for attention it's like oh no

I was crying oh oh my god I can't go back to those days. I feel sick. Do you know what I did? So I have a new tradition where I take myself to dinner on a Sunday. I saw that, John.

It's like the first time you did it. It's not your tradition. Let me find that story where you said, I have this tradition where if I'm not gigging on a Sunday, just this one Sunday ever. No, you're absolutely wrong, Vogue. So I've started this tradition where if I'm not gigging on a Sunday, just this one Sunday ever. No, you're absolutely wrong, Vogue. So I've started this new tradition where I take myself to dinner on a Sunday if I'm not gigging. Because Sundays,

I used to hate Sundays as a single person. You did. I used to find them very lonely and I'd get very upset and I would assume that everyone else in the world was in a relationship having orgasms and eating falafels every Sunday and that I was on my own it was just me right

but then I kind of snapped out of that I got out that was coming out of that breakup and then I just started all the saging and stuff and now I fucking love Sundays

I'm like single gal Sunday do whatever you want take yourself to on the town take yourself for dinner do you know how jealous I am when you're speaking

about single gal Sundays Sundays are the hardest day of my week I know you think I've been sitting at home living it up on a Sunday well you've hardest day of my week. I know. You think I've been sitting at home living it up on a Sunday? Well, you've got

your family around you. I know. I'd like if they went somewhere else on Sundays. I could not agree more. Okay, so I was dining alone in a very... Like home?

No. Joanne, please. I don't want to be in there. Of course you do not. I have to go to Purple Dragon and go swimming and I'm absolutely knackered by the time I get home. They never stop. Look, I'm not going to lie. I have fucking go to Purple Dragon and go swimming and I'm absolutely knackered by the time I get home.

They never stop. Look, I'm not going to lie. I have fucking no interest in spending my weekend on monkey music. I can tell you that much. Shit buzz. Stinger.

So anyway, but I was like, so I was dining alone in a very high-end restaurant called Pizza Express and I was... I love Pizza Express. I fucking love it.

It's divine. And I was sitting there stuffing my face with peanut and pizza and I was looking around and I was I love pizza express I fucking love it it's divine and I was sitting there stuffing my face with peanut and pizza and I was looking around and I was like I'm on my own

totally okay with it like completely totally grounded and I was looking around to the families around me and I was like I actually feel kind of sorry for them

the mum's trying to feed the kids the kids are screaming the kids are being a pain to the hell the dad's on his phone couldn't be less interested in what's going on

I feel like you were at my dinner last night couldn't really yeah what happened to the dinner that's what it was like she was just chucking

stuff on the ground screaming because Theodore would take something like shouting at me because I didn't get her carbonara in her mouth quick enough

it wasn't a nice time no I don't even remember eating the pizza I had I just know I had it I inhaled it I was like I was looking around

I was like actually you have this idea that people around you with families and all they're just like connected all the time and just having such a good time all the time and just connected to the world then you look at the actual logistics and the reality of it and you're like fuck that oh my god you're scaring me i have another one on the way i fucking i told you not to do that but you didn't listen listen to you and i'd rather be i'd rather be fucked for 10 years and then get my life back okay i was trying to whip spencer out of her i was like get my life back, okay? I was trying to whip Spencer out of her.

I was like, get out! If she won't use condoms, I'll pull them out. Oh my God! Sorry. I had to say to Amber today because she's moved over and we don't want another repeat

of what's already happened. I don't need my siblings seeing what I get up to. And I just said, okay, Amber, when you close the front door at night and you leave, just know that like

you shouldn't come back. Don't come back. Yeah yeah because we know what i'm like when i'm pregnant very horny yeah so just don't come back and she's like that's disgusting and i was like well the same for you i won't come down here this is your lair yeah your lair this is your sex den yeah you do what you want i know leave me alone in mine i know she's very horny relentless but sorry back to the single eating thing. Yeah. I love that you do that. That's nice.

I love it, yeah. Last Sunday when I was gigging, last Sunday I was gigging in Top Secret and I went to a Vietnamese place after and treated myself to dinner. I'm fucking loving

my own time at the moment. Did you read the papers? I listened to a podcast that I'll read. Yeah, I had the papers in Pizza Express last night. That sounds lovely. It's absolutely delicious.

How long were you there? For two hours? Yeah. Wow. I know. It's absolutely delicious. How long were you there for, two hours? Yeah. Wow. I know. It was absolutely glorious. So the Sunday, the day of the week

that used to scare me and terrify me and make me feel like shit is now my favourite day of the week because I'm hashtag healed. Well, that's nice.

Nature is healing. This is what I will say, okay, I'm now raising awareness for eating alone. Don't, can I just say. Okay, I'm now raising awareness for eating alone on a Sunday. Don't. Can I just say? I'm raising awareness.

I used to be raising awareness for Pinot Grigio. Now I'm raising awareness for women dining alone on a Sunday. Don't sit me in the middle of the fucking restaurant. If I come in on my own and I'm feeling empowered,

okay, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling confident. Like give me the decency of a wall or a corner. Or a window. Give me a window. Give me a window. Do they put the two seaters in the middle and you're like, I don't want to sit in the middle like an ornament. Like I'm, you know, I'm empowered, but I'm not that fucking empowered. No one wants to sit in the middle anyway ever. No, you're just being watched like an ornament. Like you're like, you're like, um, uh, what are they called? one wants to sit in the middle anyway, ever. No, you're just being watched like an ornament. Like, you're like, what do they call it? Like a water feature

in the middle of the room. It's too much. But don't turn into one of those people that starts, like, pushing that shit. Like, oh, I'm here for empowering

single people. Okay? I can't take people like that. Don't be jealous because you have to spend your weekends in monkey music. I'm out empowering women on a Sunday

getting pissed on my head. You're not empowering jack shit. Do you know what annoys me? That shit. The two things that really have started bothering me. Oh my God, Joanne.

I couldn't believe it. Wow. Jamie's birthday last week. Jamie Lang. Yeah. He reposts birthday messages. He's one of those people. Oh no.

I couldn't believe it. I'll have to cut him out. I mailed him and I was like, happy birthday. I sent him a voice and I was like, happy birthday.

Hope you have a great day. Actually I just wanted to say I can't believe you're one of those people that reposts all your birthday messages. Yeah reshares them all. Like no. Someone messaged me saying my friend's mum was in Fitzpatrick's the other night when you were there sitting on your

fella's lap. Oh God. And her friend had to leave because of your laugh. She has hearing aids and apparently the shriek set them off. So they had to leave.

Stop! Obviously not your fault but thought it was gas. I mean, I knew I was annoying but that's next level. Your laugh makes me happy. Oh my God. I have a dirty ass laugh.

It's dirt. Yeah, but I like it. My laugh has changed over the years. Laughs do change. Oh, they defo change. I might try a new one. I might try...

Why don't you do one like this? Let's practice now. Oh God. Some people laugh. Do your best fake laugh. I can't. I actually can't fake laugh. I do at your gigs all the time

so I know how to do it go that's why you're not invited I'll stop the hell show be like sorry guys vote that's fake vote get out

oh my god sorry how good are we going to talk about how good my couch is there I was looking for look trying to get my news.

What's going on in Afghanistan? What's going on China? The Chinese are coming. What's going on there? How's Joe Biden going? Oh, here we are. Vogue Williams unveils, what was it? New orange sofa.

This is under news, Jo. Can I just say something about that couch, though? It's changed my life. Joanne, you know I've had a real problem with couches over the last couple of years. Sorry, this is just as I was scrolling through looking for information on the refugee crisis. Pregnant Vogue Williams unveils eye-popping orange sofa

and it's perfect for her third baby. What are you going to birth it on the fucking couch? I only got the sofa because this baby wanted it. Why do you think that sofa's there? Your unborn child has now had more press, English press than I have had. Your unborn child.

I actually didn't see that. I only saw it on your page and I was like, I feel like if I even comment I'm slagging off the sofa company or hello I'm staying out of it

staying out I was like what next she's going to be unveiling tea cups forks she literally takes she'll be emptying her dishwasher on Insta

they're like Vogue Williams unveils silver spoon oh no that's in Theodore's mouth that's in

Theodore's mouth oh no sorry that kind couldn't believe spoon. No, that's in Theodore's mouth. That's in Theodore's mouth. Oh no. Sorry, that cage. Couldn't believe it. Has that cage not changed your life? I said on Instagram, I could have rung up

Palau and said, hello, I've joined ISIS. They'd be like, really? What does Vogue think about that? I've unveiled a terrorist plot. Do you want to write about that I've unveiled a terrorist plot

do you want to write about that no you want to write about your sofa okay that is too good that is too good

you should post a picture of the mushrooms and they might post about them hello magazine I mean come on shut up you I love hello magazine

I know you do they're very good to you they are very good to me and my sofa they are I went down I met the couch Grant excuse me the couch is not Grant I love you, I love Hello Magazine. I know you do. They're very good to you. They are very good to me on my sofa. They are. I went down, I met the couch. Grand. Excuse me?

The couch is not grand. That's changed my life, that couch. Do you know how long it took me to get my couch right? Years? Two years? Two years. Two years. And everyone was like,

why is the couch different again? I was like, well, do you know what? Because I've made bad choices. I've made bad sofa choices. It was like the coffee table. It took me six months to get a coffee table. Couldn't choose one. I haven't had a coffee table since I put it all out in the It was like the coffee table. It took me six months to get a coffee table. Couldn't choose one. I haven't had a coffee table

since I put it all out in the street. We never replaced it. John, that's not right. I know. Are you just going to start throwing out their beds and stuff? I don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't know what I'm going to do next.

I've got to do something. You wouldn't be living with me. I'd lose all my bits. I wouldn't be throwing... Anna's raging about that denim jacket she keeps bringing her up. No, she's not. I swear she's thrown it up three times. She wouldn't wear it. I, she's not. I swear she's brought it up three times.

She wouldn't wear it. Wouldn't suit her. Would not suit her. Sorry, Jo. What happened was Vogue, because we all live off Vogue, basically. No, we swap clothes. We like have a like

clothes swapping service. Yeah, but I mean, it's pretty heavy traffic one way and that's from your wardrobe to mine. Excuse me. I try not to be offended when you wander over and turn your nose up at most of the stops.

Your traffic to me is like an M50. My traffic to you is like a little grass lane. I think one jumpsuit went up at once. Her line is to not offend me. No, that was the old Joanne, not the new Joanne. That's just more you. Should I tell you, Louisa, your manager. No, that was the old Joanne, not the new Joanne. No, that's just more you. Did I tell you, Louisa,

your manager was like, asked me, she was like, can I gift you something from Vogue's clothesline? You're an arsehole. Do you know that? There were bits in that,

in that round. You told me there wasn't and I went, this one's not for me. She said the next one's for me. No, that was, the summer one wasn't for you. Like, I'm going to chuck you

in a floral wrap dress. There was leather trousers and stuff for you in this one. I didn't know that. No, you know what, you've missed one wasn't for you like I'm going to chuck you in a floral wrap dress there was leather trousers and stuff for you in this one I didn't know that no you know you've missed out not for you

I'm going to make sure I'm blocking you no gifting for you I basically wouldn't take any of her clothes from her clothing but like all I saw

was the floral wrap dresses which as we know I'm lesbian chic it's not my style they were last season well then why are you wearing them I'm not wearing it bitch

I've got that's it she's getting blocked you're not having one thing not one thing and the upcoming one you're going to be raging you're going to be sick

I do love a leather pant and there's another pant in there with zips at the front of the trousers but you know what you know who's not getting them

you Louise never wrote back to me she's like hey can I gift you something can I gift you know what you know who's not getting them you Louise has never wrote back to me she's like hey can I gift you something can I gift you something will you wear something from Vogue's clothing line

and I was like it's a no from me Louise also there was a zebra print jumper in there not for you No one wants to dress me Like nobody wants to dress me

I'd love to dress you But you just turn your nose About everything I give you No one wants to dress me at all I've become obsessed with something Now Is it Alice Evans? Have we finally got on board?

Sorry Just to say I know we can't talk about Alice Evans in every podcast however I will say now I'm like okay now write her down she started doing this thing

because she's getting oxygen off people she said she's doing interviews in America and the UK next week I'm like poor Alice but at the same time

I'm like what's she going to do next now she started going into so the people when he put up his announcement that he was in a new relationship you know mutual friends of theirs the people when he put up his announcement that he was in

a new relationship you know mutual friends of theirs or people that he knew went through and liked it like you know put a heart on it or whatever

and she's now going through all the people that liked it and then publicly saying like if you only knew what he said about you behind your back if you only knew the way he spoke about you

at Christmas if you only knew what he said about your acting on the set like yeah we had an email from Katrin it's Yoan Griffith Yoan

yes Yoan what were we calling him Loan couldn't remember Katrin's from Wales Loan Joan

Yoan Griffith Yoan Griffith Yoan Yoan now it's just going a bit it's OTT it's scaring me it's OTT now

she's changed her Twitter bio to I'm not a homewrecker oh no she didn't she did oh god but you know it's because everyone

has given her a bit of yeah she's getting kind of she's being looked after online as such she's getting validation people are looking after her she offered a sarcastic

sorry to husband Lohan Gruffydd's new girlfriend Joan Joan Jesus for fuck's sake could he just put a J in there

it's Welsh Yoan Yoan oh my god stop know what I can't get over this is Christmas I don't even know

if she's American she's not she's English that was my English accent he was already with her. He had do you know what she was saying? She was like, when he announced that

she basically was like, we can work through this. You just have to dump her. And it's like babe, like he's announced a new relationship. I know. He doesn't want to work through it. No, I know, but she's obviously in denial. She can't get over the fact that she's with

this lad 20 years and how in love they were and how it's gone so sour and everything she thought about her future and reality is completely gone and completely changed and

she can't process it. She just can't process it. Do you know who she should be talking to more? Her therapist. I know.

I give my therapist an old whack every so often. I'd say she's talking to everyone. I'd move the. I give my therapist an old whack every so often. I'd say she's talking to everyone. I'd move the therapist in. Like I would just move them into the house. Or I'd move in somewhere.

She should move somewhere. I know. God love her. It's like, do you know what? We're so not used to seeing celebrities or whatever kind of admitting heartbreak

like that. Usually they just kind of go quietly into the night. Oh my God. I think that like that is the only way for me. Quietly into the night. Don my God. I think that like that's the only way for me. Quietly into the night. Don't bring it up.

Yeah. Swallow it down. Even though sometimes you're like, oh, she fucking. I know. A few tweets ready to go. Oh, it's only you now. A few tweets in the draft folder.

Yeah. It's better to keep it above board. Do you know what surprises me? The use of the C-U-N-T word that comes so freely with some people on social media c*** yeah I can't believe it

it's not acceptable I did it once yeah you did it once and then you regretted it didn't you no I didn't regret it I asterisked out the U and I didn't regret it

because your man who I called a c*** was an absolute you'll bleep these won't you Jo it's the only one I bleep c*** here come here to me we need to talk about something because I don't get it I've been googling it I've been trying to was it an absolute? You'll bleep these won't you Joe? It's the only one I bleep. C***. Here come here to me we need to talk about something

because I don't get it I've been googling it I've been trying to understand it I'm actually Hit me. I'm on the verge of writing it down on my notes for my therapist because I don't get it.

Oh Jesus. Right Kim Kardashian you know I love the Kardashians. I love the Kardashians I'm a bit disappointed I've never been sent any schemes but you know what whatever I'll buy it.

Fine. What is the crack with Pete Davidson has he got like the biggest dick in his pants ever but there's a level

of big dick that I'd want I wouldn't want it to be too big but like there must be something in his trousers so apparently not on his shoulders

not great head not great here's the scoop on Pete Davidson here's my hot take on it go on I'd say he's pretty well hung Ariana Grande did kind of

suggest he was but then he everyone's well hung to her she's tiny I know he's actually hung like a wasp I'm so big I need to go like

extra extra large on the willy he's hung like a wasp she did say she did say she did say, he then came back and said she did that on purpose so that I'd disappoint everyone I'm ever with again. So maybe, we don't

know if it was being sarcastic or not. But the thing with Pete Davidson is, and I've given this a lot of thought, and even though he looks like he, I mean that's why he's ejaculated all the blood out of his system, which is why he looks like he's got an iron deficiency. I know, I have those black eyes too when I have no concealer on. No, he's so white, he's ejaculated all the blood out of his system, which is why he looks like he's got an iron deficiency. I know, I have those black eyes too when I've not conceded on. No, he's so white, he's so pale.

He's so white and so pale. I know what it is. I know what it is. What? Hollywood are starved of soundness. So he's just ultrasound. Pete Davidson's sound. He's funny.

Sorry, he's funny. Women get laughed into the sack that's true that is true men wear women like a watch they wear women for something to be admired

they want people to think their partner their girlfriend is hot we want people to think our partner's sound yeah

but you know what else everyone's I'm starved of soundness and clap them I can only imagine what Hollywood is like I know but there's another thing as well. Like, okay, so he's been with Kate Beckinsale.

Absolute ride. Would she be that sound? I don't know. She is. Is she sound? Yeah. We have a mutual friend. She's sound as well.

Yeah. She's such a ride. She doesn't age. And she's sound. Okay, well, then there goes that theory out the window. Yeah. Kim Kardashian. I'd say she'd be a bit annoying. But I mean, it's like, it's like, it's sound. Okay, well then there goes that theory out the window. Kim Kardashian, I'd say she'd be a bit annoying.

But I mean, it's like, it's like, it's like, whose level is that? If Bradley Cooper wanted to have sex with me and he was really not sound, I'd do it anyway. You're underestimating the power of funny. But supposedly there's other attributes to him. Like he's got like puppy dog eyes that people seem to be attracted to. He's got like, he's tall. He's funny. He's got like puppy dog eyes that people seem to be attracted to he's got like he's tall he's funny he's got a nice

jawline he's got lovely lips but like he's gone out with Margot Quaidy absolutely love her Ariana Grande Kim Kardashian

Kaya Gerber I know like it's just outrageous it's outrageous he's got the best track record I've ever seen

yeah well the one we know about because he's kind of public about them. But he says he treats every girlfriend like she's an absolute princess. He's raised,

I think he was just raised very well. He's really close to his mum. Anyway, so I read about it because it was like, I see laughing, I've always thought this, it's like,

each laugh is like a drawbridge of the knickers coming down. Yes, it is. Which is how attractive women end up riding gargoyles. That's true.

It's so true. There's been a lot of gargoyles in my life. How many? Like you never see, it's so rare that you see a man with a significantly less attractive female partner.

It's almost, like Jo, I'm not being bad, I bet your fiancé is hotter than you. Yeah, I'd say so. Exactly. Like standard. It rarely happens and when you do see it,

it's kind of shocking. It's kind of shocking. Yeah. You think, oh, he's gay, she's a beard, is usually what people think. Yeah, yeah. Imagine someone looking at you

being like, you're clearly a beard for your husband. I wouldn't like to go out with somebody who's way better looking than me though. I'd feel uncomfortable. Oh yeah, Jesus, no.

Anyway, so the drawbridge of the knickers comes down as we laugh, we laugh, we laugh. Ah. Right? Knickers are down. So I was reading into it because i was like is it the same so this lad did a study because there's a theory that humor is a sign of intelligence and this guy didn't agree he's like no i think it's a sign of social ability but not necessarily intelligence anyway he did all these studies he's put these people in a room the more times a man tried to be funny and the more times she laughed at his jokes,

the more she was romantically interested. This was not the case for women who attempted to be funny. He calls them humor producers.

So if you're producing humor, like you, I'm a humor producer, yeah. But I get, like, look at me. It's fucking tumbleweed out here for me. I know. If I was a male

comic Jo I would be literally getting sucked off under the desk right now yeah you would I would be beating them off

with a stick but I'm a female comic it's a very different very different state of affairs I laugh them out of bed yeah that is true though

yeah I know a male comic who had knickers thrown at him at a gig knickers Jo gross sweaty knickers thrown at him at a gig. Knickers, Jo. Gross.

Smelly knickers. Oh, it says, sense of humour evolved through sexual selection as an intelligence indicator. Women tend to prefer men who make them laugh and men tend to prefer women who laugh at their jokes.

Now, the only weird thing... Pathetic. The only weird thing about this is, right, I am 100% funnier than Spencer. Yeah. I am. Oh, I know, but I...

He's not that funny. So what happened there? Why did I end up with him? I don't know. Not that funny. I mean, I have asked you that before. Charming fella. He's a very charming fella.

I've been with lads that I'm definitely funnier than and still had a really nice time with them. But if I meet a guy and he makes me laugh and I make him laugh it's like a it's like a connection you connect yeah that's laughing is like a connection isn't it laughing laughing is the best cure but like no being happy and laughing or is like the best thing ever and apparently that's what you remember the most laughing and being happy so you know the way if you break up with someone and then you kind of just go through all the nice times apparently laughing you hold on to that memory much more than a regular memory I don't So you know the way if you break up with someone and then you kind of just go through all the nice times. Apparently laughing,

you hold on to that memory much more than a regular memory. I don't know why. Well, yeah, it's kind of nice though when you think, but when you think about anybody, you think about fun, happy times you've had.

Yeah, I went to that out with the lad once I laughed, so I used to wet myself. Great crack. Anyway, as a, I am a humor producer. Hang on, hang on. She went,

he went out with that one from Bridgerton as well. Another ride. I know. What the fuck? I tell you what, if I was ever single again, I'd go out with that one from Bridgerton as well. Another ride. I know. What the fuck? I tell you what, if I was ever single again, I'd go out with loads of rides.

Loads of rides. And I'd want people to question why all these rides were going out with me. This is the horniness talking. Look at her eyes. I know. You're scaring me, Vogue.

I know, I know, I know. You're scaring me. I can't stop. How is it that you get more dick than I do when you're married? I know. It goes on quite regularly in our house. She's got men falling all over for her.

Excuse me, like who? Loads of people fancy you. Nobody, nobody, nobody. No, I haven't heard of anyone fancying me in ages. I don't get any dick pics. It's that time of the month again. Yeah, it's that time of the day again. A dick pic a day makes all my troubles go away.

Yeah, so basically I'm feeling very sorry for myself because as a female comic I don't get anything like this attention that the male comics are getting. Nothing. Like nothing. No, but you know there's actually no male comics I fancy.

Really? None. Not one. Hmm. I mean, I wouldn't say they're a... They're not a very reliable group. They're not a 10 out of 10 looks wise. No, but they don't...

They don't have to be. no but they don't have to be no they don't have to be because they've got great personalities but I can't even think of one that I fancy not one do you think I'm

more attractive or more funny I think you're very pretty but you're also funny I can't say you're not funny no if you have to choose am I better looking or am I funnier than looking

or am I funnier than better looking no I'd say you're better looking better looking than funny because I don't know, like, because I've never, I don't, you don't tell me

any jokes. Tell me a joke, go on. No, I'm not down there with you again. Tell me a joke. No. About the chicken crossing the road.

No. He couldn't cross the road, you ate his wings. Aww. Wait. Aww. Pete Davidson, I still don't get it. I'm sorry, I just Davidson, I still don't get it.

I'm sorry, I just still don't get it. I say he must be great in bed. He has to be great in bed. But you know what, I don't think that like, I've dated a lot of lads

who were not traditionally attractive, didn't even look human really, but they were absolutely hilarious. John, I have to be honest, I don't remember

any of your boyfriends being good looking. Exactly. Yeah, well, I don't mind to talk. I don't remember any of your boyfriends being good looking. Exactly. Yeah, well, I don't mind to talk. I don't think I've ever gone out with an attractive... I don't think I've ever really... Not a classically attractive guy. Spenny's probably the hottest guy I've ever gone out with.

Yeah. The rest? It's a no from me. No, I think I could see myself fancying Pete Davidson. I don't think I could. No, I don't see you to be saying... Although, to be honest, whatever he's doing,

he's like the vagina whisperer. I'd say you'd end up... I'd say you would end up with him. Listen, I'm in a delicate spot right now. I could end up with anyone. You could end up with anyone. Yeah. It's the podcast that works on the basis of sounding a gong of conversation and letting it ring out across the mountain range of shared experience.

Hold on. It's the podcast that works on the basis of Joe being a dick. Another thing that I was looking at this week because it was in the papers and I thought you absolute hypocritical bastards you're one from Hollyoaks she's been working there

like 10 years or something Sarah Jane Dunn she got fired because she wouldn't quit OnlyFans and I was having a look at her content I mean it's not even that bad I'm not being bad

but like Hollyoaks and the calendars they come out with with the girls and they're firing her for that and now they're coming out with all this other crap

of stuff that they can't do or can't promote it's like diet pills well that's fair actually that is fair yeah diet pills

are fair enough because that's a load of shit but she's worked with them since 1996 actually and she was earning she was earning 7200 quid or something a week from only fans and she wasn't doing anything that bad she was in her knickers but like who

cares that's 22 grand a month for standing is she on 22 or sevens or 28 let her live her life let sarah jane don't live her life don't do that on the mic sorry joe people hate that that's that's what that woman the email i got from that woman People hate that. That's what that woman, the email I got from that woman. So she literally, I got an email and it was at about four in the morning on Instagram. Which was locked. And it was, no, no, no. It was like. Sorry to interrupt you, Vogue.

We'll come back to that. Do you know what locked means, Jo? Yeah, a lot of people when I say it on stage they're like, they don't know what it means. You've just, yeah, you've just acclimatised now. Locked. Anyway, she mailed me about four in the morning and she goes, They don't know what it means. You've just, yeah, you've just acclimatised now. Acclimated me. Yeah. Locked. Locked. Anyway, she mailed me about four in the morning

and she goes, I can't believe how disgusting you are. Something along these lines. I've just been woken up by the sound of you eating crisps on your podcast. I fell asleep listening to it and got woken up by that.

It's absolutely revolting. I used to love you and Spencer and now I'll never listen to the pod again. How rude and disrespectful of you. And I was just like, oh my God, I just wrote back,

no, that message made me laugh. And then she wrote back like two days later and she was like, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I don't even remember sending you that message.

It's just one of my least favorite things to hear people chewing and it woke me up in the middle of the night and I thought, she is gassed. That's so funny that she came back. Well, that is it for this week.

Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com Why don't you subscribe? No pressure, but that way you get every episode the moment it's available. We shall't you subscribe? No pressure, but that way you get every episode the moment it's available. We shall see you next week. Thank you.