My Therapist Ghosted Me - Champagne Broccoli & Horse Philosophy

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

If you've listened for this long, you might think you know what to expect, but this week, Joanne has some "philosophy" that will probably surprise you... Plus, find out all about Vogue's holiday in Scotland and both of their confessions, on the "worst things they did as kids". Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me Joanne McNally and this time she's north of the Scottish border again it's Vogue William. Yes, yes I am. It's a podcast that works on the basis of honesty, self-belief, and, wherever possible, worldliness. I love that. I forgot about that word, Joanne. Now, Vogue, you know the way I don't like any excitement about anything I do? Yeah.

As a little side note, my tickets for the London Palladium have gone on sale today. You can get them at Ticketmaster or jeromecknigh.com and it's London Palladium on May 21st, 2022. Anyway, this week we have philosophical questions about horses and affairs. Oh my God, Joanne, I am furious about something. Go on, hit me.

God, I sound so... No, but it is true, right? And I'd say loads of people have gone through this shit. So we booked a holiday, delighted, and then we decided, actually, you're not legally allowed to travel because it was orange. And so we cancelled it two weeks in advance. Now the villa company are telling us that the full fee that we paid, we can't have any of it back.

Because actually, you're still kind of allowed to travel in orange. And I'm raging because you're not actually allowed to travel in orange. You're like you're allowed maybe for work or something, but not for Hollybots. You see, you do have to isolate. Yeah,

you see, they're losing money. Like, they're losing their balls on this stuff. They're not going to make it easy for you to get your cash back. I'm sticking to the staycations.

Scotland is the place to be. Telling you. I think I'm going to be. I ran 14k the other day, Joanne. 14. That's disgusting. Spenny decided to run a marathon, right?

And he got the worst chafe. He's been using like all the pseudocreme I have for the kids. Like his bum is like that time that you went cycling. It's a bit. What happened to him? What's he training for? He's doing that marathon, the Saab, which is... Or Saabla.

I don't know what it's called. It's basically seven marathons in six days through the sahara why is he having a breakdown or something people like to do those things it's a it's supposedly a fun activity freaks i think freaks i read an article about some ultra marathon runner and he was saying that he was on his seventh i can't remember the details now because that's usually how i remember things you only remember bits of things that he was he was hallucinating and he was running and he looked to the right

and saw this lad's knee just blow out it just blew out just like someone had stuck a grenade in his kneecap I know it's disgusting

isn't it well it just exploded like a bomb just exploded his knee just went knee matter everywhere gone

I know because you're not we're not supposed to run like that. Like even in cave days, people weren't running for that length of time. It doesn't take you seven days

to catch a rabbit. And that's why we were running originally was to catch rabbits. So I don't know why. I just think I know he does that shit in the middle

of some sort of breakdown or recovery. Do you know, I think that it's like that's where they get their sense of achievement from. It's like when I clear out my middle drawer, drawer you know that one with all the shit in it i get such a sense of achievement i can only imagine that to be similar of how spencer's gonna feel after his seven marathons that satisfaction when you vacuum pack your ski boots away

clear space in the kitchen spenano's doing shit like this because he doesn't drink this is the work of a man who has too much free time and too much headspace that's what happens to people especially people who have addiction issues or had addictions or in recovery they all start doing ultra marathons when i did that show what's it what's it called what's it called what's it called guessability with sarah pascoe i was on at rick edwards and we had to guess who didn't drink anymore and I sensed Rick I was like

that man's been through a lot and now he's a he's a marathon man and I was dead right it's a different kind of person that likes to do them like I did 14k with Spence

so he went off and did the whole thing and more again and honestly for the last three kilometres I was like he probably just wants to cut me loose and get rid of me I wh the last three kilometers, I was like, he probably just wants to cut me loose

and get rid of me. I whinged. But every second, he was like, it's the last hill, darling. It's the last hill. It wasn't the fucking last hill. There was about 20 more hills

after that. And then eventually, I gave up because it was my bum that was so sore from having to go up the hill. It was like torture. Ow.

Torture. So that's what I'm doing this week on my birthday he has this knack right and it's have you noticed that on my birthday oh by the way by the way while we're talking about spencer do you remember the other night we were like we decided that i was going to block spencer and see how long it took him to notice oh my god i totally forgot about this i know I went to tag him in something here And I was like where's your Instagram And then I was like oh my god

Joanne and I blocked him the other night I totally forgot Why were we We were trying to test to see how long it would take him To notice that he couldn't look at your Instagram Or something what was it I can't remember what it was but I just remember we blocked him And do you know what another thing I was thinking about From the other night or something what was it i can't remember what it was but i just remember we blocked him and you

know what another thing i was thinking about from the other night so you know that we joanne and i went out on friday night and we actually went out out joanne how often you were terrified i was gonna go to bed when i and you did didn't you i know you left at like the same time we worked it out perfectly i was like theodore i was like where you going where you going mommy mommy where you going i was like following you Out to the toilets And everything You're like I'm fine

I'm not going to bed I know I've got a problem Like I get so needy When I'm drunk It's weird I know but at least You didn't linger You didn't linger

You went home You call it lingering I call it hanging out But thanks I call it spending Quality time With my friends She's still lingering here It's 5am

She's still lingering Why is she still here I know Two days later Joanne's making coffee Oh my god Joanne has a hangover cure So we're standing

In the kitchen And she puts a Barocca in her mouth Just the Barocca And then she didn't realise Then she puts it Intoaka in her mouth just the baraka and then she didn't realize she then she puts it into her coke zero now hold on i was hung over and spencer's like it's great if you just eat a baraka raw out of the pack so i did because i'm obvious i'm suggestible and i take direction well and then you were like what are you doing and then you were freaking out so much

that i spat it back out and put it into the can of Coke. But like, I can't believe you're surprised I need a raw Baraka. During lockdown on a Sunday, I used to put two salpidines in a glass of Prosecco and call it salpsecco.

Yeah. That's a good idea. That'll take the edge off you. I can tell you, that'll take all the edges off you. You'll just be a circle lying in the bed for the day. Salpsecco.

If I go into merch, I'm going to bring out my own range of the bed for the day Salp secco It's like If I go into merch I'm going to bring out My own range of salpo secco Salp secco You have to advise people Not to do that Sorry I apparently Have to advise people

Not to do it Once I put salpadeen In a glass of red wine But I think I was just Showing off No That's not great Well my salposecco

Is like an alcoholic Dib dab basically It's the fizz Everyone wants Everyone wants a bit of fizz On the tongue Don't they Joe? No.

Dirty bitch. No, the only thing... I'd say Spencer ejaculated dib-dob. What is that Sherbert stuff? He wouldn't be able to get you off. Every time I come into the house. Folks, what a fucking dib-dob in her mouth. He's rich enough He could probably

Make it happen There's probably a clinic In Vienna or something Where you can swap Your semen for a sherbet I'm sure he'd do it Sherbet I hate that I'm known

For dip dabs That's what I'm known For liking a dip dab As reputations go I think that's pretty good Yeah true I think that's I'm known for being degenerate

so I would take it for being known to be have a love for tip-tops you're so innocent I don't want them to write about Svenny's witty and tip-tops coming out of it this is what keeps happening poor Theodore got absolutely nailed

he got nailed in the papers this week like every article was like folks on Theodore is highly aggressive. He got nailed in the papers this week. Like every article was like, Vogue's son Theodore is highly aggressive. And it's like, oh my God. Like if my mother reads that, like she's going to be like, what is she saying about that child? Someone sent me a screen grab though of the chatter.

They were laughing. Cause you see, anyone who listens to the podcast knows you have to take it all with a pinch of salt. Like take it all with a giant spoon of saksa, like a huge, big spritz of Himalayan salt. But she sent me the screen grab of someone underneath being like, this child needs to be evaluated immediately and might need psychiatric help.

And then all these women underneath going, would you shut up? I was threatening my whole childhood that if I didn't shut up, the man would take me away and i'm grant the man would take you away do you remember do you remember the man would take you away but this woman actually sent me a link to these things they were so funny she was like tell vo to use these on theater they're called toddler tamers where they're basically leg weights for your toddler so they can't throw a tantrum.

I can't tell if they're real or not. It says put the weight in weight right here and they're by a company called Kindex. And then someone wrote underneath going

why would I want to make my child's legs stronger than my own? So next time it throws a tantrum it's just going to kickbox me to the face. Yeah, well Theodore does not have anger issues

he's not aggressive he's a lovely little boy as long as he gets his way yeah like all babies for God's sake it's Gigi

I have the problem with oh Gigi she was so sick this week and then she was just clinging on to me like a koala all night long

I couldn't put her down she had to lie on my tummy all night on my chest it was very cute you would have loved it she's sick I don't know what was wrong with her.

She was having a bomb and then she just wasn't feeling well. She's hungover. So I haven't slept properly in two days. Spencer literally, right? Our plan was to put Gigi and Theodore in the same room for the first time. Gigi was sick, so I was like, she has to be in our room. Spencer made it till half ten the first night before he went up to Theodore's room. And then quarter past eleven last night, he was like, I'll just go up to Theodore's room.

I'm like, OK, great. You go have eight hours sleep. He just doesn't want the kids in the bed. No, because she was awake most of the night, the first night. I mean, I wear my weeps. I've got 19 disturbances. She's got me awake. I had four hours sleep. So he went upstairs to get like a decent night's sleep and fucking left me in the trenches

I would have done the exact same the tea in Scotland is delicious right but the milk up here

is so creamy which you also think would be delicious that it's leaving like oily stuff at the top of my tea. Oil fat. Fat.

It's fat. Good fat, I hear. That's like the avocado. They're always trying to tell me it was good fat when I was deranged in that asylum. I was like, there's no such thing as good fat. But of course, now that I'm saying it again, I realise there is. Guess where I went to Friends Fest Yes

I went to Friends Fest Where is it? Well obviously it's on In Clapham Common That's where Because I went That's why I went Like Clapham Common's so handy

I'd go If there was a beheading In Clapham Common I'd go Because I'm just like It's so local I would just go for the crack I'd be like fuck it

Come on Someone's getting beheaded Come on It's only across the road So we went and come and I'd go because I'm just like, it's so local. I would just go for the crack. I'd be like, fuck it, come on. Someone's getting beheaded. Come on. It's only across the road. So we went. Now, I was a big Friends fan. Were you a big Friends fan?

Huge Friends fan. Yeah. Joe, were you a big Friends fan? Yeah. I mean, everyone was a big Friends fan. It was like the biggest show ever. And so I was dying to go. I didn't know what to expect.

Now we went up and they're playing the theme tune. You know, the Rembrandts, I'll Be There For You. They're just playing it over and over and over. And the girl taking her tickets, I'm not messing when I say, I just said to her, do they play that on repeat? And I thought she was going to start crying. And it reminded me, it's like anything relentlessly like that. You know, in Guantanamo

Bay they used to use music as torture they would play music really loud apparently they used to play Westlife because I read up about this because everyone at the time was like oh it's like it's so shit it's not it's because they used to play Westlife really loud and then this like love song to lull the prisoners into full sense of security or I don't know romance and then they play rock and roll to really like psych them out so basically

it's what they do to get terrorists to tell their secrets and I honest to god this woman looked like she would have admitted to bombing Big Ben

just to get them to stop her eyes were literally weeping so they just played so loud so the staff can't scream at each other and cry anyway

went in and it's all just queuing queuing queuing queuing queuing To have your picture Taken on different things Like I was in Central Perk

And I How much How much 30 pounds Now 30 pounds Oof What I mean

Can you put a price on Being in the friend set Well You can if it's not Actually the fucking set So I said I honestly thought It was the actual stuff

And I said to this woman thought it was the actual stuff. And I said to this woman as I was a queueing again to sit in the fucking yellow taxi or whatever it is. And I was like, this is the real stuff, isn't it? Because Siobhan, who I went with,

we couldn't decide. And your woman was like, no, no, no, no, no. And she saw the look of disappointment on my face. And I was like, what? She goes,

hold on, yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. I was like, I've been had. It was like that moment as a kid when you realize why is Santa's grotto in Dublin and Scunthorpe at the same time? Do you know what I mean?

You realize there's like multiples friends. Yeah, it's like that disappointment. Anyway, so they're replicas. So at that stage, I was like, for fuck's sake, I could literally get into Toot and Camoon's tomb in London.

Like they actually flew all Toot's shit over to London. But I can't be trusted with Chandler's foosball table. That is ridiculous. Plus, I was like, they should have had... You were had. I was had. Some of the cast or something. I was like, even if they'd had, like, Marcel running around

or Fun Bobby. What the fuck is Fun Bobby doing? Probably nothing. Remember Fun Bobby? What is Fun Bobby? Yeah. Nothing. Remember Fun Bobby? What is Fun Bobby? Yeah. Nothing. Do you know what though?

I didn't even watch, I have to be honest, I only watched a bit of the Friends reunion. But when they were talking about a Friends reunion, I was like, oh my God,

they're doing more episodes. And then it was all just them talking about Friends. I know, it was very odd. That's not what I was hoping for. It was very odd. Very odd. Anyway, the whole thing,

it had serious Guantanamo Bay vibes off it. I can't say. So you had a great time? I had a great time Had a great time And like There was interesting Memorabilia there Like they had

Rachel's vows And Ross's vows You could look at All that stuff But it was just Oh and they just Kept telling us Not to rob anything

Which after half an hour Is like Jesus Like it's a bit offensive Like they just kept You have luck though. Putting on the tannoy going please enjoy

the sets. Please don't accidentally borrow something forever. All this stuff. Were you wearing your sandals? Is that why?

These were going out over the tannoy. It was a general announcement. A general announcement. You can literally lick Tutankhamun's death mask

and you can't touch Joey's Huggsy. Do you remember Huggsy? Yeah. And there was all these women going around with Huggsy's that they paid for like 30 pounds. Five stars.

Highly recommend. Oh, you did enjoy it. Doesn't sound like you did. I just don't want to slag them off, you know. They're doing their best. I went home then and Googled Marcel

because I was like, that monkey should be there. Oh, that's Marcel. No, he's dead. Is he? He like oh that's Marcel no he's dead is he? he's not dead how is he not dead? I looked

him up it's actually a her her name is Katie and she has a more impressive IMDB than you or I put together Vogue she has a proper career

and has featured in many many shows what's her name she was in Pretty Rock and now I think she's a like a what are they called what are they called?

What are they called when you're part of a football team and you cheer them on? A cheerleader. Mascot. Oh yeah. No, Katie the monkey is not a cheerleader.

Oh, excuse me. Why did Marcel the monkey leave friends? Apparently, he was unmanageable. Marcel had a trainer and he had scratches all over his face.

He was screaming instructions to the monkey while we were shooting our scenes and in the end we said, there are six of us. We're quite decent. Kill the monkey.

Ross, apparently David Schwimmer did say he found it impossible to work with. Yeah, obviously. Monkeys live until they're 40. It was one of those shows, do you know where you go

and you're like, the nostalgia wears off after about three seconds. I'm allergic to queuing. It was one of those shows, do you know where you go and you're like, the nostalgia wears off after about three seconds. I'm allergic to queuing. It's like gluten to me. Like, it just brings me out in a rash.

And I was, I was like, you know what, I'm glad, look, as I said, I'd go to anything in Clapham Common,

so I went, it was fine, whatever. Speaking of queuing, I remember we went to Euro Disney, my cousin Siobhan was with us and she has Down Syndrome,

so they put her in a wheelchair and we didn't queue for a thing. It. My cousin Siobhan was with us and she has Down Syndrome. So they put her in a wheelchair and we didn't queue for a thing. It was great. Siobhan was the golden ticket. Should have brought her to Friends Fest. Siobhan was your queue jump. Yeah. So we went out for dinner on Friday and

when you go out with Spenna's friends, they're pretty flash. So we ended up having very flash they're flashy bastards these are the guys who are like

the Lobos it's the Lobo it's the Lobo lads so they ordered all this delicious food this duck thing so I was scraping like the peasant

that I am I was like what's that weird frog spawn shit and I was like scraping it off and then Vogue was just like

spooning it into her mouth I was like scraping it off and then Vogue was just like spooning it into her mouth as I was scraping it off. I did so well out of that. Yeah, because I, as we know, like you know, I have a very undeveloped palate. Like I have a lot of respect for things like spam,

alphabety, spaghetti, because A, it's resilient and B, when the apocalypse comes, which it will, Vogue, which it will, and I'm ready to go. You want to organise yourself a bunker? I'll be in your bunker

with a cooler full of canned alcohol. Oh, I'll be in your bunker, bitch. I'll be in your bunker before you're even in the bunker Okay You're probably living there already I know where the panic room is Yeah

Me and the staff Will be in there first And if there's room for you You can come in We'll put Gigi in the safe Joanne won't even bring Any of her own belongings She'll leave her mother And everything If there's room for you, you can come in. We'll put Gigi in the safe. Joanne won't even bring any of her own belongings. She'll leave her mother and everything.

The only thing she'll drag into the bunker is the Peloton. Peloton, yeah. The Peloton. And a rucksack of canned wine. And a triple witch home alone candle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all she needs.

Oh my God, I'd love to have a bunker I'd have loads of nice things In my bunker That's why you want to come And excuse me Joanne You don't get it That was nice food We also had champagne cod

No that was an accident Is that not because Becky spilt the bottle Into the plate No that was Becky spilt it Into the broccoli Oh yeah sorry

With champagne broccoli as well By accident Fucking delicious Which was quite nice actually. It's just champagne soup basically with a load of shit thrown in. Anyway, it's so nice because I would just never order

that kind of stuff and it is delicious and I do need to work on developing my palate because it is quite unrefined. Like the palate of, like a pregnant Labrador I'd say. I'd eat anything.

Off anything. What do you make yourself for dinner? I'd say I'd eat anything or if anything what do you like what do you make yourself for dinner I'd be I'd love to I'd love to put a camera in your house and just watch you

for the day just going about your day I'd love to see what you get up to what do you have like you wake up what do you eat well I was eating

stuff out of your freezer a Roy of the Rover bar that's you with your bar. That's you. With your sweet toots. That's you. I was actually eating, your cleaner gave me a load of food out of your freezer the other day because it didn't fit anymore so I've been eating that.

Poor Dora. I want to know a regular day in the life of Joanne What do you have for breakfast When Dora hasn't given you anything Breakfast I have yogurts Lunch I have Some sort of tuna situation And then dinner

Would usually be Some sort of chicken situation And then I eat About three packets Of low fat crisps a day And half a bottle of red There is no Point of doing

Three Prozac Two cod liver oils And a vitamin D packets of low fat crisps a day and half a bottle of red. There is no point of doing... Three Prozac, two cod liver oils and a bit of MD. That's it. And look at me. Absolutely grand. Absolutely grand. Vogue you you had a list of weird foods you were going to read out

well it all actually came from because we were talking about we got edamame in the restaurant the other night and we were talking about a guy someone's ex who went and sat down

at a table with them and started eating the edamame skin that everyone had in their mouth and pulled it out and then my friend was telling me that her boyfriend was going to a business dinner and they're all sitting having drinks first and he grabbed what he thought was a bowl of nuts and chucked them into his mouth and they were all the old olive pips disgusting made me feel honestly, I couldn't think of anything worse. I don't like sharing drinks.

If I had someone's... Like, not just one person. You've got six people's olive pips in your mouth that have been in their mouth. But, folk! It's the most... You drank your own piss and ate a tarantula. Oh, my God, what are they called?

A tarantula. A tarantula. Was it an early morning piss because in the morning it's quite it's quite intense and we like

we like to dilute it throughout the day like I would drink evening urine not a bother to be honest in fact I do pretty much

wine and Tesco pretty much tastes exactly like my own piss no it was like so I had done my morning wee did my morning wee and then I drank two litres of water and then I did another wee and then it was the third I had done my morning wee Did my morning wee And then I drank Two litres of water

And then I did Another wee And then it was the third wee That I went for I'd say your wee After being hungover Joanne is like Literally

Weeing honey No You're absolutely wrong On that I'll stop you there Vogue I'll stop you there look at her delighted with herself

now I'll stop you there I'm not going to have that said about me on a public platform I wee it's like sparkly water it's like sparkly water It's like sparkly water Because of all the fizzing

You want to get that checked From the salt patine It's thrilling It's thrilling It's thrilling Now I will say My urine's clean as a whistle I want that on the

I want that Officially out there Don't even lie to me Your hangover wee Is like No it isn't Well because of my Decrepit pelvic floor

I wee throughout the night So there's never a build up Yeah There's never a build up Gwyneth Paltrow Would sell my urine On her On her website

If she could Not because it's gloopy Goop What's her What's her account called Gloopy Honey Agave Syrup No it's gloopy goop what's her what's that's her account called gloopy honey agave syrup no it's like uh but we were we were we were talking about weird things that people eat yeah so here's the top weirdest things birds nest soup in china it's like birds

basically spit and they make a nest with this spit and that's it they eat the bird spit it's like snogging so like when you're snogging someone you're eating their spit i know it's gross it's a bit gross do you remember do you remember when you're younger and you used to play like how many people can you score in a night yeah i got glandular fever imagine doing that i got glandular fever in irish college and my mother tricked me into saying there was no other way of getting glandular fever only from scoring strangers basically so i had to admit that i had scored, I don't know how many I had scored.

It was really bad. Like, it was next level worldly. But it was all very innocent. You'd be in the high 20s. It was all very innocent. Only on the lips. Yeah,

it was only a quick lick. Yeah. Quick dip at the tip of the tongue. What other weird foods? Come on, I like weird foods. Fried tarantulas

in Cambodia. Now, I ate a tarantula. You can only actually eat their legs. It just tastes a bit like a crab. What's weird foods? Come on, I like weird foods. Fried tarantulas in Cambodia. Now, I ate a tarantula. You can only actually eat their legs. It just tastes a bit like a crab. Yeah, it does. It does. It tastes like a crab.

What's in their belly? It's because they're so big. It'd be like eating the stomach of a horse. It'd be like, I don't know, it'd be all like pus or something, I imagine. You're not meant to eat any. Fertilized eggs in the Philippines. Have you seen them?

So it's basically like the chick Is ready to hatch And then They boil it So it's still attached To the yolk And then so you get Like The bird

With all its bones And its beak And the yolk Oh my god I don't think I'd like to eat that Do you know The only thing I won't eat

Well apart from caviar Whatever It's just too fancy Is Runny egg yolks Oh I fancy is runny egg yolks oh I love a runny egg oh the yellow shit

why don't you just cook all your food in yellow glue it's gross and it's delicious in London it's impossible to ask for you're like

can you put rock hard eggs rock hard and they go and they just can't do it because it just goes against their hipster DNA to not give you some sort of egg porn

I wanted I want my egg cooked like a like a golf ball like I want to be able to like bounce it off the walls and shit but they're like but you can't slice it gently open like you're performing surgery and tacos in it we won't do it it's so annoying I've sent back many an egg yeah but you see there's that's as well I wouldn't do someone's egg like that and i also if anyone gets a steak like i'll accept a medium but if you started saying well done medium well that's it you're off my list you're not coming to a dinner party in my house do you know the first time i ever ate caviar obviously it was with spenny um but i was at a boot camp and we were leaving a boot camp for two days because we had to go To somebody's birthday

I'm not going to say who But we had to go To somebody's birthday And we got there And like So I was like Oh my god We have like a break

From this hellish Boot camp Of like eating nothing And like running around All day So I was like I'm going to have Like so much bread

And blah blah blah Got there It was a caviar party It was only caviar And nothing else I know I know I know Does it not feel

I think it would feel like You're kind of Like going down On a frog or something Well I don't know What that's like personally But It just tastes like

Salty balls So I would like Some of your finest Salty balls please It's delicious So another disgusting thing I shouldn't really say disgusting

Because this is what people eat so surstromming in Sweden is fermented Baltic herring and can be found on supermarket shelves

and it's meant to literally like stink when you open it you can eat live octopus in Korea so I think this is terrible

so they basically like chop up the octopus and it's still wriggling around so it's actually quite hard to pick up with a chopstick. Then it starts sticking to your mouth

and your teeth and you have to chew it loads before swallowing it in case it sticks to your throat on the way down. Now I couldn't do that after watching my octopus teacher.

They're like humans. I won't even open a bag of cheesy popcorn on the bus because I don't know what tracked attention for the smell. Genuinely, as a rule,

I won't do it. Like I think it's really rude when other people do it. So I want to know what tracked attention for the smell. Genuinely, as a rule, I won't do it. Like, I think it's really rude when other people do it. So I want to know what's the worst thing that you've ever eaten? Obviously, I had to eat a live tarantula,

drink piss, no, not a live tarantula, a live scorpion, drink piss, and eat a tarantula. They were my worst things. What's your worst thing? One time,

I was walking through the woods and I had a thing, a bubble gum, and I blew it, like I blew a bubble and then I sucked it back in and I had a thing of bubble gum and I blew it like I blew a bubble and then I sucked it back in and I sucked in loads of flies on it and I chewed

them. That's rank. Yeah, still prefer it over that caviar shite. Also, if you were on death row, what would be your last meal? Okay, this is easy for me. I would have chicken wings with loads of blue cheese dip, chips, ribs easy for me i would have chicken wings with loads of blue cheese dip chips ribs and for dessert i would like a fluffy but chewy and crunchy pavlova cake

what are you having so the wet salad sandwich the reason i asked was because i was asking my mom i was like what would your last meal be if you're on death row and i can't what she said like casserole or something and then she was like and a skinny latte and i was like i think you can afford the calories a skinny latte like she's gonna be like oh i've got a chair to fit into she's full fat latte full fat milk a skinny latte it's too late mom it late. Okay, you're going down the size you are, whatever you are. I would have, well, as we know, I love coleslaw and chips and lasagna.

So I would have lasagna, coleslaw and chips. Or I would insist on a picnic so that I could try and leg it. I'd be like, can I eat it? Like, I want a picnic. And then they'd have to let you outside as your last request. And then I'd be like,

sketch, let's go. Something else I was looking at during the week, which was funny, but also kind of sad, but funny, was this 11-year-old. Did you see this joke? He was, his teacher

reported him for radicalism because she said, if you were, what would you give to the oppressed? And he said, arms. And she thought he said you were, what would you give to the oppressed? And he said, arms. And she thought he said arms and he was a little Muslim kid.

And she reported him to some system they have called Prevent, where teachers are said, they're told to like report kids that they think are showing signs of radicalism, basically. Anyway, all hell broke loose. I know, the poor kid.

I was blown away at the fact that the child knew what arms were. Yeah, all hell broke loose. I know the poor kid. I was blown away at the fact that the child knew what arms were. Apparently he's a bit. Yeah, what are arms? They're like food and drink and money basically, from what I understand. Basically, the kid's a little genius. Oh my God. I know. But anyway, it got me thinking and I was like, when I was a kid, A, I would never have given arms to anyone. But I was, I wasn't bold. I actually wasn't that bad. I was kind of grand until I hit about 18. But I was, I wasn't bold. I actually wasn't that bad. I was kind of grand until I hit about 18.

Then I kind of lost the run of myself. But up to that point, bad things I did do, when you look back, you're like, they're not really that bad. Well, the troker box

got rinsed every year. For anyone not in Ireland, troker box is this little box they give us. It's in the shape of a house. We're supposed to fill it with cash and give it to the kids in Africa.

It's in the shape of a house and it has a picture of poor children in Africa on the box which is probably put there to prevent you stealing from the African children. Not Joanne McNally.

That's really bad. Africa's one well down because of me. I can tell you. Africa would have had an extra well if it wasn't for me. But if that wasn't bad enough

because it was just a little paper box and anyone could just dip their paw in and get it out. But then I remember being given a tin that was sealed for a disabled charity. And didn't I fucking crack the thing open with a can opener? There's some poor kid in the hospital who couldn't get wheeled to the garden

because they couldn't afford the chair because Joanne McNally ate the money. And I wouldn't mind, but I just went up and spent it in the shop. It wasn't like I was investing in anything. I was nine or whatever. Cracked the whole thing open with a can opener. Then I also remember we used to bring in selection boxes for the kids in St. Vincent de Paul every Christmas. You know, the kids in the house.

And then I eat that on the way to school every year as well. Every year. Like, the sweets weren't enough that I bought from the disabled can. I had to eat the... I had to eat the selection box as well. can i had to eat the selection box as well like if there's a hell it's shaped like a tin can and i'm going into it and they're going to seal the lid but anyway oh my god i was laughing about this and i just i did a shout out about like the worst things people did as kids like the naughtiest things They did as kids

And mine are pretty good I was not as bad Like I did not do bad shit Like you Oh my god Stealing from charity I used to do stuff like Beat the absolute life

Out of my sister And stuff like that But like I never stole from charity We used to go around Doing carol singing And actually We were quite nice

Hold on I stole money Out of a trope box You were Doling out domestic abuse from charity we used to go right into a carol singing and actually we were quite nice hold on i stole money out of a choke box you were doling out domestic abuse and you think mine's worse yours is way worth i remember my dad right he used to give us a load of cash for christmas and he put amber wasn't there on cash giving day and we had exactly the same amount it was actually 500 quid which is a lot of money so i should have been happy with my 500 quid and this is like I mean I was 16 at least at the time and he put ambers I even remember what the vase looks like he put ambers in this vase with a really thin neck and I was like he's like I can't get it out I was like dad it's stuck you can't get that out and I went and got a full work and got out

100 quid and nicked it on top of the 500 quid I'd already been given and Amber got her 400 quid and nicked it on top of the 500 quid I'd already been given and Amber got her 400 quid and she was like that's a bit of an odd number for dad to give us yeah so you were a little Robin Bastard like myself

so you have yours like honestly I tried to reply to as many of these as I possibly could we're all violent monsters

as kids, basically. Yeah. Like these make me look like cracking open that disabled tin. That makes me, it makes me look like Mother Teresa, even though I heard she's an asshole. We'll get to that another week. Yeah. I think she was an absolute dickhead.

Okay. So this one I posted, it just made me laugh so much. I was a vindictive kid. So one time my brother was asleep on the couch and I was jealous of how relaxed he looked. So I smashed him in the face with the fire tongs love the podcast

oh jeez there's like a thumbs up at the end he looks like he's having a nice time my brother knew I was claustrophobic so he used to throw me

in a sleeping bag and tie the top and then throw me down the stairs. Oh, no. My one pushed my cousin into a bed of nettles the day before his Holy Communion. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Do you remember?

Oh, falling into nettles. That was the worst. That's why I got a scratched retina because someone threw a thistle in my eye. I had to wear an eye patch for six months like a little pirate. Here's one for you, Joanne. This might be from you. I took the money from the church collection when I knew it had notes.

Everyone stole from the church collection. In hindsight, they deserved it. God knows they were up to a lot worse. When I was a baby, my mum left the room for one second. When she came back, my brother had set a pillow over my face and then he just went to bed playing again. He clearly wanted to be an only child. From then on, my mum left the room for one second. When she came back, my brother had set a pillow over my face. And then he just went to bed playing again.

He clearly wanted to be an only child. From then on, my mum had to bring me everywhere when she left the room. Arrested for being drunk at a bus stop. Got taken home in the back of a policeman. Oh, there was no worse shame than when you'd get caught drinking. God, you'd be in so much trouble. My one's better. Me and my sister both had a goldfish.

My goldfish died and I was devout. So I took my sister's one out of the fish tank and put it on a small skateboard key ring and railed him down into the kitchen

where she was. Kids are awful. Here's another one. Robbed all my mom's tampons and sold them in the kids' playground and seen seen infants telling everyone they were firework rockets.

A lot of them were like stealing and literally nearly killing your sibling. I won't say any of their names, just in case. Hi, Joanne. The worst thing I ever did as a kid was fairly gross. My mum took me to dunn's to do the weekly shop and i was bursting for the loo so instead of holding it in or saying i needed

to go i pulled my pants to the side and shot on the carpet in the clothing section i have zero recollection as I was only five or six. My mother maintains that I fully knew what I was doing. Oh, that is... I'd be more mortified.

Here's another one. My sister has really, really, really bad hay fever. When she was younger, her eyes would properly swell up. So I used to go around gathering loads of grass seeds in my hands

and then just blow them into her face. Here's another one. My partner Shane he loves the podcast. Thank you. Robbed two camels when the circus visited and brought them to his back garden. His dad woke up, saw them and freaked him out and then he had to drag them back up to Kulak. He was nine.

This was great. It was eight years in all of this. Eight years between me and my youngest sibling. We used to pin him down, mash food into his ears and then let the dog

eat it out while he screamed. It was glorious. Oh my God. I had such a good time reading them thank you for everyone who sent them in they were amazing amazing do you know that like i honestly if i come across somebody who doesn't eat a yogurt that's also i was i was only i heard someone say that's theodore this morning yogurt i think it was his nanny and i just don't say yogurt i say yogurt but if someone doesn't eat yogurt like i have a yogurt a day and i can't believe some people wouldn't eat yogurt so weird you've come out with some clangers,

but I think that's probably the best. Bogie, I know you've been doing some horsey stuff. Oh, well, do you know what? She put a spanner in the works there. She kept me up all night. I couldn't go to the horses. Well, I... I've been hanging out with the horses.

I know that you love a good horse. I can't tell you how much I love a horse. I cannot tell you. Well, I'm about to test that love. Because I accidentally came across I was up very early this morning. I was just reading all these articles about stuff. And I read this. What can only

be described as, I think it was actually kind of a philosophical article. A woman called Zina O'Brien did a tweet with graphic detail about what she'd like to do to a horse sexually if the horse was willing. Now, the consent is key, okay? So then everyone started going mad

and going, you can't shag horses, blah, blah, blah. And then she came back. She said she wants to shag a horse. Yeah, she was quite graphic about it. She since deleted it going, that horse shag horses blah blah blah and then she came back she said she wants to shag a horse yeah she was quite graphic about it she since deleted it going that horse tweet was a mistake not before it went super viral her name's zina o'brien she's just a very open-minded woman she did she was just talking about a fantasy she had with the horse if the horse was willing which is the most important point here okay anyway? Anyway. They are good looking. They are good looking animals. She made a valid point

that I was like, this is very interesting. She said, unless you're a vegetarian, you're being inconsistent if you're saying it's fine with killing and eating an animal, but you're opposed

to having sex with an animal. Because surely if you're the animal, you'd rather just get ridden than be chopped up and put in a burger. So Vogue, I say to you, your favourite horse. I'm trying to find her horse tweet. Oh my. What?

So this article is actually fascinating. It's on a website called Unheard and they're talking about, like, I mean, this is my idea of philosophy. I don't know if this is actually philosophy, but they were saying, who's worse, the person who kills and eats a chicken or the person who takes that dead chicken home and shags the chicken? Ah, the person who shags the chicken. Why? Because it's more, it's more,

socially, it makes you feel disgust. But ultimately, the chicken's lost, the chicken's dead already. Vogue, I'm asking you. Do you fancy, do you fancy the horses I've been hanging out with? There's a lot of horse chat from you here. Vogue, I'm asking you. Do you fancy the horses I've been hanging out with? There's a lot of horse chat from you here. Vogue, I'm asking you, and this is something I would like to be picked up by the papers.

Your favourite horse, if you had to choose, to ride it or kill it and eat it. Kill it? I'm killing it. Rather than have sex with it. So you would end its life. Imagine everyone, would you rather be the person that ate the horse or the person that had sex with life imagine everyone would would you rather be the person that

ate the horse or the person that had sex with the horse well which would you rather be i would recommend having sex the horse and just not putting it on insta i don't know if either of us are physically capable of doing that if you secretly find out do you reckon yeah of course i would but actually speaking of horses, so there's three horses over there. They're absolutely amazing. And I go and see them

a few times a day to pet them because horses are actually very good for your mind. They make you feel less anxious. They're just really nice animals to be around.

But I had to ask Julie who's up here because I was like, listen, Julie, their Willy Wonkas keep coming out like big, huge Willy Wonkas. And I was a bit scared that I was going to get humped by a horse I swear to god and I was like that would kill me

I would die if I got like humped mounted by a horse but I was really scared but supposedly when they're really happy or just really relaxed their Willy Wonka falls out we need so I'm obviously a relaxing person to be around when you say they're Willy Wonka for that are you saying they get an erection you're watching too much peppa pig you're watching too much peppa pig it's just this whole thing just falls out there it's bigger than my arm to be honest what's gross those tweets those tweets will stick with me by the way now i've read what she said and i actually feel so disgusted that there's people like what's wrong with with her? She would say that. But I just can't believe now that I'm on board with this philosophy.

So let me ask you the question. Yeah, I would. What would you do? Your favourite horse, let's say that nice black horse that we have here, would you kill it and eat it? Or would you have sex with it?

I'd shag it. You are. I'd shag it. I mean, crimes are tough. They are not that hard. I'd quietly take it off to a little barn somewhere and shag it. You are. I'd shag it. I mean, crimes are tough. They are not that hard. I'd quietly take it off to a little barn somewhere and shag it.

Rather than... I'd bring it into Pete's... The privacy of a barn. Bring it into Pete's East. Table for two, please. I'd wine it and dine it. And then I'd take it off and I'd shag it.

I think it's less violent. Just because socially it's more disturbing. Look, neither situation is ideal, okay? But, you know, it's just an interesting conversation. She just said, unless you're a vegetarian, you've no right to be horrified by me having a fantasy about a horse if the horse is consenting,

because it doesn't consent to getting killed and eaten by you. I know, but Joanne, the level of detail she went into about the horse is pretty disgusting. It's a bit weird. Humans don't fancy animals. That's a conversation for another day. I'm watching a lot of documentaries on Celts at the moment

and bestiality was a huge part of their culture. It's just a perception. Some people are into blondes. Some people are into dogs. It's just the way it is. It's true. You can't deny it.

I'm not saying I agree with it, but it's not up to me. Some people are like, I like women with large breasts. Some women are like, I like Alsatians or stallions. That's the way it is. The world is very complicated

and full of nuance. I'm going to have to block you from my stories for the remaining time in Scotland because I don't want you seeing those poor horses with your filthy little eyes. You're like,

Joanne, stop plaiting her hair. She's not into it. Shut up, folk. Jenny, look at Joanne. She's been over there at Mino for ages. Joanne, leave Mino alone. Just saying.

It was actually a really interesting article. It was something called Something About Bestiality and it's on Unheard, which is my new favourite website. Roscoe! Roscoe, Joanne's coming! Run!

She's been drinking! She's horny and drunk! Go, animals, go! Where's Winnie? Where's Winnie? Our last topic for conversation this week, which we're obsessed with, is the Matt Hancock affair.

Oh my God. My only thing about the whole thing is I feel sorry for his poor kids who are seeing all those memes that are... I just don't understand why everyone is still shocked at people having an affair. Like, everyone's having an affair and everyone has an eating disorder.

That's my mantra. I work back from those two truths. We live too long to stay in monogamy with the same person these days. Everyone's at it. I work back from those two truths. We live too long to stay in monogamy with the same person these days. Everyone's at it. I think the reason... That's not why people are annoyed. That is not why people are annoyed.

People are annoyed because he broke social distancing. Oh, come on. It sounds like he was socially distancing from his wife. So I think he got to take... Yeah, but he's the one who made up those rules about like that if you can't have sex with somebody outside of your bubble you can't blah blah blah

so he made up all those rules and then he went off and he did it yeah but the way they were snogging she's in his bubble like they're they're bubbled they were kissing like

drunk teenagers it was it was passion I know and he had his hand on her bum I know it was like do you know when you fancy

someone so much it's like they put popping candy in your knickers and you're just like fizzing all the time that's what they're like it was so cute it was how can you're the only person in the whole uk who looked at those pictures and thought oh that's so cute like no it wasn't it was so gross it was like seeing i don't know my

parents scoring exactly so this is the thing people seem to think that affairs are only for the sexy and they're not affairs are for for the sexy. And they're not. Affairs are for everyone. Boring looking people can also have affairs, which is what's happened. That's why everyone's so horrified by it. They're like, but he looks so boring. He looks like he should be in a gardening centre, not fingering someone in his office.

That's why everyone had such a visceral reaction to him. They were laughing at it because they don't think he's sexy enough to have an affair. Well, I think Matt has proved us all wrong on that. No one went, When people saw Angelina and Brad having an affair, no one was like eww. Do you know what I mean? People were a bit annoyed about that because they liked Jen. Well, that's different. And I don't think everyone is

having one, by the way. Speaking to a married woman. I'm looking at Gigi in theatre outside with Spencer and Gigi's literally bawling her eyes out trying to get away. He's trying to get her so she lies on my chest. I to get away. He's trying to get her so she lies on my chest. I can see him. He's trying to get her to lie on his chest and she's having none of it.

He has to strap her in, doesn't he, on that little leopard print thing. Okay, not everyone's having affairs. I understand that. But monogamy is, you know, it's a tough call for people who live as long as we do. But monogamy is, you know, it's a tough call for people who live as long as we do. And then I was looking at animals who are monogamous penguins. But I'm like, I'm not going to take romantic advice from a penguin. Swans.

Swans, again. But like, that's because they have nothing else to do. Like, what are their options? Lobsters. Owls. Someone said owls are monogamous. And I was like, well, you couldn't cheat on an owl They never sleep Their head spins around

Like you couldn't cheat on an owl If I want a monogamous relationship I'm going to have to have them with an owl Where a dead mouse is an engagement ring That's my only option Oh bald eagles are monogamous as well Because they're in bits Because no one wants them Eagles are monogamous as well because they're in bits.

Because no one wants them. So what are bold eagles? If you stuck a hairpiece on a bald eagle, I'd say they'd be getting more action than someone from Jersey Shore. It's the baldness. It's off-putting.

I've said it a million times. Oh, this is the other thing. It's all about chemistry. Chemistry, chemistry, chemistry. And that's why people have affairs in work because they get to know each other. And when people give's all about chemistry. Chemistry, chemistry, chemistry. And that's why people have affairs in work because they get to know each other. And when people give people shit

about having affairs in dancing shows, what are you going to do? You're fucking gyrating up against them all day. Of course you're going to shag them. It's ridiculous. I didn't. I did a dancing show and I didn't shag my partner.

But if you've someone that there's any sort of attraction with, like anything at all, and you're in those little sparkly outfits and all. Come on. If I did a dancing show with an owl. No, I have to stop talking about shagging animals. You know what I'm trying to say.

You know what I'm trying to say. That is all for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. One more thing. It has come to our attention that we're not eligible for any awards this year

because we're too new. However, we can slip through the back door via the British podcast BBC Sounds Listener's Choice Award if you would care to vote for us there. Do you know what my dream is, folk? To be claimed as British because then I'll know I've made it.

So far, they've denied me like a Judas. That's true. That is true. They're very clear that I'm Irish. I'd guarantee if you asked him what he would do, he would agree with me. Okay, okay. Svenny, I have a question for you. Joanne obviously came up with this question. Right. Me, no

The horse over there No, no, no, hold on You either have to kill him and eat him Folk, folk, hold on No, we're talking about It's a philosophical question If you had an emotional attachment to an animal Right, so say you had an animal

That you really loved Okay Yeah Would you Do you think it's more ethical To have sex with it If the animal was consenting Or to kill it and eat it

Thereby ending the animal's life Kill it and eat it thereby ending the animal's life kill it and eat it obviously it's because you just don't attach to animals bestiality on the podcast it's too late bestiality

bestiality bestiality is a vile thing